"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Spider Monkey!.....

Katrina is still hanging around. I drove home at 9pm. in the downpours. I'm tired of being wet. (from the rain) Since Ohio is the construction capital of the world (I think it really is written somewhere) I had to drive thru construction, and about got lost in the water twice cus it has nowhere to drain in the construction. Scared the shit out of me! Everything you touch is wet. It's humid. When you have a billion animals, it doesn't smell the best in the humidity.

Ah, the spider monkey. For years, this animal has captivated a group of people that I know. But, what is so special about the spider monkey you ask? Several things.

It was a stupid thing that TWDSO and his friends said. Simply, "spider monkey". Usually as a toast while doing a shot at the bar. Usually a high-pitched mileaminute 'spidermonkeyyyyy' It was some big freakin' secret, that the boys in the group, kept from the girls. They would say it was something special about the spider monkey.

Oh, we've looked into it. Lots, and lots. Even watched shows on the stupid things. It is something 'special' about the spider monkey. I believe they said it was something special about the female.

One guy claimed to have told my friend the secret when she was drunk, and she forgot. I think they are a bunch of liars, cus she said she would've remembered something like that. Asses!

Here are the findings:

*They get drunk off of fruit, and fall out of trees and act like human men. (which is actually quite amusing to watch if you get the chance to see this on animal planet)
*Females are aggressive
*Females have an enlarged clitoris
*They use their tail as a fifth limb (could be like human men and their penis's)
*Live approx. 30 years.
*Travel in 'troops' of approx. 20
*Easily excitable (like human men) and will throw things at invaders of their 'troop'

We were told by another girl in the group that her husband spilled the beans. She said, they said spider monkey because the males will have sex any way they can with the females, all over, hump their head, it doesn't matter. If you were using it in a sentence, you would say:

"I got it on like a spider monkey last night"

I was quite disappointed that this was the big freaking secret? What a rip off! Leave it to men to think their secrets are funny, or worth keeping. I was let down. I expected greatness. Something worth taunting people over, and laughing about, and keeping quiet. Big deal, they hump a lot. I could hump a lot too, but it wouldn't make me a secret worth keeping now would it?

Last night I was telling WG how my cat was crying weird cus he was probably getting it on with his mother, they are perv's, those cats of mine. I told him how my vet said he still likes it even though he is fixed. WG told me that some monkeys enjoy sex even if they can't reproduce.

"like spider monkies?" you ask?

So I looked into it.

Turns out, this is true. I believe that I have finally solved the spider monkey secret.
They probably never wanted kids, and they still liked to get it on, so they said "spider monkey".
This is an equally gay reason as, getting it on like a spider monkey. But no one said these guys weren't stupid.

I don't care if I'm right or wrong, cus I don't have to hear their dumbasses anymore, but I just wanted to state, for the record, that I have solved the mystery.

(I would advise against being fooled into thinking that because one loves to have sex and not reproduce, it does not mean that they are worth having sex with. This has been my experience. Some people think their great, and they really suck ass. GROSS!)

And now children, time for a story.

There was a king, who lived in a big old house. He wasn't the king of anything. He wasn't old, but he really looked old. He was stupid and thought that his job as king of his big old house was important. But really, no one cared that he was the king. And, he smelled.

The king had no desire to find a queen, he was content living in his big old house with a maid. The maid loved the king, and longed to be queen, but he would never acknowledge her. He acted like she didn't exist. After all, he was the king, and she a mere maid.

Each day, she would pick up after the king, try to juggle her duties as maid, and jester for the king. Occasionally he would laugh at the maid, but never for long. He preferred to watch jousting, and racing. The maid also worked outside the big old house, to earn an extra income so that one day, she could be queen, perhaps of another kingdom.

Once in a while, the maid would fulfill all the kings wishes, and we know what this means. This was a chore, because the king of nothing, was a terrible lay. Perhaps this is why the king would never take a queen?

After years of service to the king, the maid could take no more. She demanded he pay her attention, ask her to be more than his maid, or she would leave, and clean her own big old house, vs. an ungrateful king of nothing's house.

The king was stubborn. He liked the maids services, but did not want to share his ""vast"" kingdom with her. He preferred to be the king of the big old house, all alone. The maid took her belongings, and found a kingdom of her own.

Now, she is the queen of her own kingdom. Where she makes the rules. She isn't reminded daily of how nothing in the big old house was hers. She actually met a prince, who does not treat her like a maid! He makes her smile, and feel loved.

If only she had known this was possible, she would have left the king of nothing years ago.

The distance between kingdoms is not long. News travels. And before long, the queen heard that the king had maybe taken a queen of his own. This did not bother her in the slightest. The maid knew, something was going on with the king and his new queen for quite some time.

Sadly, the king of nothing, is yet again, alone. His new queen wised up, and has decided she does not want to be the queen of nothing. Perhaps the king has pushed his power and importance onto her also. Perhaps, the king kissed her with his dead fish mouth. Or, the king may have pulled a spider monkey on his new queen, and she was out the door!

(this is the likliest of happenings cus you can maybe get over the dead fish mouth kissing, but if you get it on soon and it sucks, you can still get out. The maid was in service for the king for a long time before giving up her goods.)

And this story ends, with a happy ending for the maid, and new queen of her own kingdom. She has finally found love. She has longed for this for a lifetime, and never quite found it. She was too busy taking care of kings of other kingdoms, and not caring about how badly she wanted a kingdom of her own.

And secretly, she laughs inside, at the king of nothing. For he is all alone. He let a good maid go, hell, she even cleaned his TRACK marks out of the toilet!!!!!!


Today's Question:

What was the best arrival of your life?

I have only known WG for 2 months, but it was definatly when I got back from Columbus for work. I was only gone 3 days, but I have never, and I mean NEVER missed someone that much before, and NEVER felt so good to be missed equally!
I never felt a loss being away from someone before.


Ahnolde said...

Great story!! I love stories where the king doesn't get anything, unless it's about King Ahnolde, and then he needs to get everything he wants!! haha
The best arrival of my life was when Tayray came over to my house after our first date. She puked all over herself on our first date, so I wasn't sure she would come back around... EVER!! But she did, and that was probably the best. And the sex was good too!!! haha

Beth said...

Nice fairy tale Mon. I'm glad I shared that with you and you can laugh about the king being alone. Serves him right! ass!

Mon said...

ahnolde, i can no longer read yer comments w/o crackng up! I cannot believe you found that pic!!! how cute that you still liked tayray after puking on herself. Ill never forget what she looked like leaving beths wedding! lol! 'i puked all over myself' ha ha ha ha! classic!

Beth: thanks, ha ha ha! It made for a good story! everyone likes a fairy tale!

Tayray said...

Ahnolde, you dont get everything you want, until I get what I want.
The best arrival in my life was really waking up the morning after Beth's wedding and looking in the mirror and saying 'wow what a great time last night' and then realizing that asshole wasnt the answer and the fact that I did puke on myself and Ahnolde still gave me a kiss goodnight, and still wanted to see me again, I thought, yep he is a keeper!!

beth said...

tayray and ahnolde-i'm so glad you guys drank all our liquor (j/k)and became the couple you are today! 2 years later i'm still paying for that wonderful night! but seriously that was sweet of you to kiss her and have sex with her with puke all over. haha

The best arrival of my life was of course my beautiful healthy daughter!! (the husband comes second)

Ahnolde said...

Whoa, hold now, Beth, we didn't have sex that night!! Come on, sex with someone covered with puke, I was desperate, but not that desperate!! hahahaha