Being Alone Finally Feels Worth It...

Being alone use to terrify me. I was always so wrapped up in my partner's life, that without him, I was lost. I always put someone else before myself, so the absence of that distraction forced me to focus on me...and THAT me was obviously not a happy girl. I didn't want to think about myself!

The best thing that ever happened to me was to be single for 3 years! Sure, it is scary to transition back into being alone, so I never in a billion years thought I would think this way!

That being said, it has been a very long time since I spent any more than a few hours with a guy where I wasn't counting down the seconds where I could get back to my comfortable "single existence".

This is the curse, or blessing of living alone for over 10 years!

Two weekend's ago I actually had a really great time with HS friend, and I wasn't even counting the moments until he left. A night out turned into spending a lot more time together than I thought we would. 

He took me to lunch the next day, where I watched an entire football game, and  tried to like it! And I hate football!! And if I'm being honest, it is kind of fun to watch how bent out of shape people get over a sports game! They act like it's "The Bachelor" or something!

I even wanted to see him again at the end of last week without giving it too much thought. I mean, usually I prefer to be alone..I am alone so much, I really enjoy the time I spend with me! I'm kind of awesome. 

Am I in love? No, silly! It's really OK to like a boy's company without wondering how well his last name will suit your first name!

And for the time being, I'm OK with that. Being alone for so long has taught me that it isn't the end of the world if someone decides they don't like you. Or if you decide that, as it turns out...things wouldn't work out in a serious relationship. I can finally understand that if things don't start to progress, it wasn't meant to be. It was a stepping stone, a lesson... a means to get you from one place to the next.

But necessary, nonetheless!

I'm confident in my ability to decide when something has gone on long enough without a commitment. I'll know when I feel like I want more, and if I ask and don't receive...I am just as confident in my ability to walk away.

Even though being alone for such a long time felt like torture at times, it turns out it was a blessing in disguise!

I'm Still Swimming in the Dating Pond..

I was called over to a coworkers desk during a lull today. She started asking me about dating. Since I'm the only single girl in the department that is actively dating, its fun for them to keep up with my goings on.

"Have you heard from schoolfriend after breaking it off?"

No.

"What about..?"...(making a gesture to signify someone I dated..)

No.

"Have you heard anything more from that one guy you met recently?"

"No, but he did tell me to call him if I was still alive, since I had to cancel our date due to the flu, but I didn't feel like calling him back"

"What about TDH?, anything more from him?"

"No, I quit responding to his texts, because any opportunity for conversation turned into wanting to know why I didn't want to date him exclusively, no matter how many times I said it wasn't happening for me."

"Has (an ex from a gazillion years a go that has recently turned up again, along with his fiance and 3 kids....some things never change) called you again?"

"No, I told him that I have more self esteem than to stoop to screwing around with someone else's baby-daddy."

After my inquisition, I thanked coworker for reminding me of my long strand of bad dates this this past year.

Isn't this suppose to be fun? Aren't your 30's suppose to be your PRIME?

I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to find the future Mr. Me while I still have all my teeth, and the ability to hilight away any gray hairs. Before I lose my charming girl next door looks, and the ability to wear a tank with a built in bra....without a bra.

I havn't given up on love. Quite the contrary. I am actually, just a woman that knows exactly what she wants. Looking for her little tadpole in the dating pond, who knows what he wants too.

The tadpole, that wants to swim around with me in the scummy dating pond, until we decide to become frogs...together.

And besides, what I want can't be put on paper. It can't be explained. I don't even know what to say to people when they ask me.

It's a feeling....

A knowing....

A spark....

As long as I don't settle, I know that it will come into my life.

Here's to endless optimism, and a true belief in happy endings!

The Day before the day my dreams will come true...

On this moment in history....I have done the unthinkable. What....until now, I have only hoped and dreamed of. A dream I have had since I was just a young girl, before the evils of having boobs, and periods got hold of me....

I am the proud owner, of a lower level ticket, to see my all time most favorite person in the world.......MADONNA!!!!!! This is the best $192 I've ever spent. And if I'd had more time to plan (or available credit) I'd have gotten floor seats, but guess what? I'm going! And I paid with cash money!

Sadly, my friend that was going to go with me tried to talk me down to the nose bleed seats, and cheaped out....which um, was not happening. I told her nocando! So I made the big girl decision, to go to the big city solo, and see the show.

Even sadder still...our company suite was NOT available so a suite upgrade is not in the stars. But guess what? I'm going!

I figure, anyone else willing to shell out that kind of money for a concert, is going to have one thing in common with me.....a life-long love of the Material Girl, and I'll make a friend or two! I'm already perusing cute tops at Madonna.com to buy and wear!

So, all day long I told every passer-by at work that I got tickets to the Madonna concert, a minimum of 10 times. Most of them didn't care. But I did! I broke out in random dances, and squeals throughout the day, and all in all...annoyed the living shit out of my coworkers. But this is why they love me.

I told them they only have to put up with it for 249 more days...it'll fly by!

And in closing, if you want to know what a sweet guy school friend is, he offered to drop me off and pick me up, so I wouldn't be afraid...which for him, would be over an hour and a half drive. He makes it hard to keep my heart on ice for sure.

If theres one thing I'm good at, it's getting dumped!..

Yes, yes. I got dumped again. I really am starting to get a complex. Sort of. I mean, honestly, I cried a little bit about it, but mostly, my heart wasn't in it anyway. And he was looking for a reason to stay with me and I couldn't really give him one.

What happened this time. Well "it's not you its me" would probably fit here. The guys been single for like 5 years and he just wasn't ready. When he mentioned that he didn't feel "100%" that things would work out w/us, asked what I thought...and I said "I just spent the last three years with a guy who wasn't sure he was ready, and we had a good relationship, we were in love...I can't do it again".

Furthermore, new guy said we had too much sex. Um. firstively, this isn't the first time I've heard this from a man, but it never ceases to shock the shit out of me. Secondly, I really don't remember having to force myself on him thankyouverymuch.

He admitted, nothing may ever feel 100% to him, and thats on him, I'm an awesome girl and he likes hanging out with me and we have a lot of fun, blah. bliddy blah blah.

When you give up the universe will bring you love, right? I dunno, but I give up. Not on finding love, but that love will find me, and I'm not going out of my way to find it.

Suck Balls...

So I noticed since I've been mobile that my facebook updates are less and less. Well that is because exassholemanfriends friends all unfriended me.

Its really no love loss.

He's carting around that new skanky hoebag to his family and friends, and the kicker is they dont even like her. The truth is, I never solicited information about that hoebag and him, people tell me. So, they can unfriend me. I really understand, because you always lose something in a break up. What did she gain...a guy who is dating her, and lurking around on dating sites behind her back.

Classic. She's a classy chick so thats what she gets.

It does makes me smile on the inside. I know I am not missing a thing. A man who can't stay faithful, and doesn't realize a good thing when he has it. Who dumped me because he was afraid to be happy.

So things I guess are progressing with the new guy. He said hes been single for so long because he hasnt found someone he clicks with. To me, this translates into, when he finds what he has been looking for, he will hold on to it, and not toss it aside because she lives too far away and he's afraid to move forward. (I don't, by the way, live too far away, ten minutes...)

He knows love doesn't come around every corner, and when you make a connection with someone, it means something. Maybe.

Living with a good heart, and compassion will always pay off. It's the law of attraction, and I put my 100% belief into it.

Getting The Last Word...

While at the Speedway, buying my nightly jug of carlo rossi sangria, and cigarettes, I got carded. "OMG, you look so much younger than this, I'm sorry"

I said "that's OK, I just got dumped so you made my night"

She pretended to care, when I told her thats why I needed the wine and cigarettes, I was having trouble sleeping.

When I walked out of the gas station, I realized...I'm becoming my mother. I always hated when she told strangers unsolicited bits of information.

After that I went to Moms to check my OK Cupid account. I met exmanfriend there, and despite his recent crazy episodes, I was the happiest in that relationship than I ever was with anyone. You just have to weed out some nutjobs. Some take 3 years to emerge....

There, in my matches, was exmanfriend. That sonofobitch. With a picture I TOOK of him at MY APARTMENT. Classy! Of course we were 85% match, and until my profiles done the highest I can get is 85%. So, I decided to read his profile. You know you would too.

Total bullshit. I figured he needed some help so I sent him this message, the subject was "mileage".

"You should probably change your mileage preferences, so you don't turn up in profiles of girls that live 31 miles away (you know we lived too far apart to continue our 3 yr relationship) Also, you probably shouldn't pretend you know what you are doing, and what you want (says he's in school....he isnt) And, you might want to add your cat to the list of things you can't live without, since she's a deal breaker.

You should also probably block me.

Oh, my Mom says hi"

Um, yea so if you havn't read the break up letter he left me, its 2 posts down. Which explains why this was necessary.

Everything he wanted in his profile, he had with me. Which makes him an even BIGGER DOUCHE than I ever thought possible.

I swear he is going to be one of those dillholes that marries the next girl that comes along "to prove they aren't committment phobes". I cried for a week when my ex husband got remarried. It had been something like six years after the fact. And he was horrible to me.

This...will really....really hurt.

Crazy Like a Fox...

Imagine you log onto your FB account and see that you are no longer in a relationship. It's gone. And so is your manfriend!

Then imagine you jokingly text your manfriend "did you break up with me on FB?" Then imagine it wasn't a joke at all, and he really did dump you on facebook! Who does that? Who doesn't give someone the decency to break up face to face. On the phone. Something, before ending your relationship on FB?

The best part, that I think should be viewed by the entire blog world, is the letter he left me, which was suppose to explain why this all happened, out of nowhere. Two days after moving stuff into my apartment, in a relationship where nothing out of the ordinary ever happened...

..I realize that I have become more and more hesitant about moving in with you over the last week or so. When I first asked you if you would like me to move in; I have had some positive reasons to do so & some negative reasons not to do so. I have spent plenty of time trying to prepare for how this move will effect me and I have come to realize that I do not want to move to (your city) to live with you because its too far from my family & friends. While it may not make much difference at this point; my reason for not wanting to move in has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the fact that I will miss my family and friends more and more while seeing them less and less.

My other reason concerns mojo (the cat) and her well being. I know that you have always had a good home for your pets as you do now, you are great with animals and i have learned a great deal from you. I still feel awful for putting mojo through the "blending" process for however long it takes for her and the other cats to mix. I fear that mojo will not be the same cat after that and it means so much to me that she does remain herself and happy. I am not attempting to say that she will become traumatized or injured, but I do know that my relationship with her will change based on circumstances and there's no guarantee for a successful outcome. I have come to realize that I do not want to move in because I will have to put her through that.

While it may make no difference, I am sorry that I have changed my mind mid moving in, because I realize that you have turned parts of your house upside down so you can make room for me and my stuff as I slowly brought it down. I am sorry that I wont be living with you because you've wanted it for a while. So one day I asked you, you said yes, and I agreed, and then; I changed my mind. I would be really damn upset if I were you too. I hate having to let you down but I realize that I'm not going to be as happy living with you as I'd like to be because I have to sacrifice a lot on my part as well, so I can move in.

I have enjoyed our time over the last 5 months (since we got back together) because you have been able to make a better effort and so have I. I have been very happy with you and only you. We have helped each other through a lot of tough times, shared many great memories and experiences. I am truly grateful that we both have chosen to share the last 2 1/2 years of our lives together. I really appreciate your moving to (your city) because you wanted to find a better place for yourself and be closer to me. I wish that I could overcome my inhibitions and move to (your city) to be with you, I realize that I cannot. So what do we do? How long are we going to drive back and forth hoping we can find a common place to live? You made a bold move to move to (your city) and I dont expect that youd be looking to move even further north. After all of this is there any point? (he never asked me to move anywhere else, it never came up)

I have a lot of things that I need to finish; such as school. (he isnt even in school) I need to clean up my apartment so I can finally have a chance to enjoy living there instead of just storing a bunch of crap and using a few of my things. I need to get part time work so I can have more help getting my finances straightened out. I need to find one or two things to do so I feel happier and more balanced in my life. I have not taken the time to do so and thats my fault; not yours. If you have already realized that you've had it with me, because of my decision to stay in (his city) then so be it. If you havn't come to that conclusion then I need to be on my own and want both of us to move on. Either way, this letter and these thoughts are between us, and if you tell people that you dumped me, then thats fine with me. (use me as the scape goat)

The sony dvd player is yours along with the planters to do w/as you please. I have picked up my tools, clothes, and a few of my packed boxes that I brought down the other day. The key that you made for me is on the table and I would appreciate if you would destroy/dispose of the key to my apartment that I made for you. I do not plan on using FB as much as I have been, I want to tell you upfront that I have no intention of sending you rude comments, messages, or reposting pictures that you no longer wish to have up and Im asking you give me the same consideration.

If you want a reason why I want to go my own way, heres mine...we're never going to find a place to share that will accomodate both of our needs. (even though he never asked) We've been at it for a few years already. (it never came up until he wanted to move in w/me but ok) I havn't stopped loving you, I don't have an eye on someone else, and I have been 100% faithful since we got back together. I just need to focus on myself and my goals for a while instead of driving back and forth to (your city) as you do so we can maintain what we have been. I know its been hard on both of us. (never complained)I had a few great years with you and have not come to this decision easily, I wish you the best,

Signed, Dickhead

Ummm...really? You start moving in with a girl and THEN you decide it's not for you?