Christmas Spirit...

I may have caught a bit of the Christmas spirit this weekend. I spent the weekend with someone super cute, putting up my tree. I havn't had a partner in Christmas crime in years. It's so much more enjoyable with help, flirting, laughing, and someone who has the patience to replace christmas light fuses, vs. just trashing them, as I was perfectly fine to do. Also, if not for my helper, my tree would be on the floor. It had the gangsta lean going on, and we ultimately had to screw it to the wall with wire. Now it's Beyootiful!

I got a text this weekend from the old new guy. You know the one who said it didn't "feel right" to date me, and said our relationship was too sexual. That's why he texted me at 3:30 in the morning. Do you think he realized he messed up and wanted to take me to dinner? What a pig. I didn't respond. I was busy snuggling with someone who doesn't think it feels weird to be with me.

But if he does it again, I will tell him I've moved on, and maybe he should work on finding his good christian baby factory. Cus I'm not her.

And I'm utterly smitten.

Wedded Bliss..

The rehearsal, and wedding were just perfect. Topped off by spending it with the cute boy I like, who was also in the wedding. Dancing, laughing, talking. Hearing everyone say how cute we are "together" (to which I'd reply...we aren't technically "together") And my friends that were there that hadn't spent much time with him, decided they just loved him, and his infectious smile, and fun personality. Even my MOM likes him and she's the pickiest person I know.

I kinda like those things too.

Too bad he is afraid of committment. This situation is screaming with undertones of the exassholemanfriend, and his fear of letting the past go. I mean, we talk all the time about how much we like each other, how much fun we have together...but the bottom line is, he always tells me he is afraid. We talk about how we want to be exclusive, but really the only thing different than what we have now, and being a "booty call" is we spend more time together before, and after.

I'm not a part of his life. He thinks about me when we aren't together, but we aren't together an awful lot.

How long does one wait around for a scared person? Last one I waited three years for, only to be dumped mid-move in! And new guy is all about starting a family, but we're not getting any younger, and he's not getting any less afraid.

Aside from all the fun I had over the weekend it was unfortunatly overshadowed by a really shitty turn of events, where the least of my worries was that my purse was stolen practically out from under my nose at a bar. New guy ran after the douche and luckily was coming back with my purse by the time I got to the door.

The cops were waiting on him outside, apparently he had been trying this on other people at a bar next door.

All I can say is that I know everything happens for a reason, and I'll get through the BS I am dealing with and live to enjoy another day. I can't change the events, I can only accept them, and move on with my life!

New is Hard..

I chatted with the new guy a bit last night. We were talking about the past, and he asked if I ever thought about it. I said yes I have, and he said he did too, but thats not all he wants "this time". I said its good to know, because I'm past that phase in my life, but I have no regrets. =)

Then he said he's excited for the game Sunday he's never been to a hockey game. And you know my neighbor was like, "We'll have to leave you two alone after" aaack. Alone!? I mean I feel at ease when we talk, so why am I so worried?

The physical part was easy. This relationship stuff, is the hard part. I can see why guys are the way they are to some extent.

It brings up a whole new set of questions. Because, obviously, we've been together before. Do you jump back in? Or wait? Or what???? It's different when you don't know what you are missing by holding out. But then I also don't want to jump right into something because i'm freshly out of a break up. I don't want it to be a rebound. We hooked up in like 2006. And it lasted almost a year.

But do rebounds apply when you already know the person? Why do girls over analyze everything so much?

What do I wear?

I'm also glad I moved. No more memories of notsomuchamanfriend in the new place. That also helps with forgetting him. It kinda scares me how easily things are flowing for me.

The universe may be paying me back for all my good deeds! Wish me luck!

Im Gonna Make it After All...

Boy what a difference a few days makes.

I'm moving. In December. I sign my new lease this Sunday. I am going to be a gal of the suburbs, no longer a country gal. I found a great apt for 85 more a month. Its completely redone, new furnace, hot water tank, electric, plumbing. I'll be the very first tenant! What I'll save in travel time (its 5.8 miles from work vs 27) and electric, will pretty much make up the difference in rent.



The area is a lot like Lakewood in Cleveland in that its primarily gay, not rich, but not poor. And diverse. The landlords therefore, are gay men. I really liked them. We connected, and had a great talk, and I said how much more is it for pets?


landlord: "Weeee don't really charge more for pets we'd just like to meet them once"



me: Huh?



Yea, so they are really cool. They called me to see if I wanted it still after I filled out the application and I said I was waiting to hear if I could break my lease (I thought I was month to month, when in fact its not up until March..whoops) and they said they'd waive the deposit for me. So I'd only have to pay my first months rent.





me: huh?



He said they really liked me and have a good feeling about me and think I'll make a great tenant. They want someone to treat it like their home. It's funny how things fall into place, and it all seems like it was meant to be. Its super cute, smaller than mine, but still a duplex, closer to work, everythings NEW, and its charming! Its not cookie cutter. Washer/dryer hook up but no garage. You win some you lose some.


Did I mention it has central air? I. Am. Gonna. Be. In. Heaven!


And even better news. Me and manfriend went to dinner on Wed and had a really good talk that resulted in the gist being, we had a fairweather relationship and were unable to be together for the rough times loss of job, loss of cat, car trouble etc.. cus of the distance. I would agree. So my point back was, that what we are going thru is a hard time, which will determine how we work together through problems, and in the end, thats what we are going to do.



And now, I'll be 26 miles closer.


Aint life funny?

When I called the new landlord to say i wanted to move forward he said ..."Yay!" how fun is that.

I am in fact breaking my lease. I tried to make a deal w/my landlord but she wants to put me off for a few days and get back to me. So, I'm moving regardless. Most people would just leave and not tell her, she lives in New Jersey not like shed know until the rent didn't come in the mail, and I didn't leave a forwarding address. Some people dont appreciate responsible people.

I'm moving in December. For my Birthday. Yay me! How long have I been complaining? And I have so many awesome friends who offered to help me!

Oh and BC actually asked me out on a date "in the future". geez.

Matters of the Heart...

I think I slept a couple of hours last night. In between crying. There was a period of time when i didn't cry, and that was when someone from the past called me. This time it wasn't an asshole ex boyfriend.

It was my booty call....This was all before I met my manfriend, it went on for about a year, thats all it was and thats what we wanted at the time. I started to miss being in a relationship, and it never came up. When I met manfriend online, and we started talking, I stopped communications with the booty call. I told him I was dating someone. And then that I was in love with someone.

There were a couple of times he would text me on a sunday, and id say, im good, im still with my BF, im in love. That sort of thing. He sent me a text first, and when i told him i wasnt doing well, and he asked if it was bad, and i responded "matters of the heart" then he called me.

My own manfriend never called me.

He did happen to see us together (me and the manfriend) at a mutual friends party. And I never said hey manfriend, there is the guy I use to bang for kicks. Because thats classless. But the BC said last night that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.

They always come back, don't they? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I seem to have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men who one day decide they are stupid so they try to get back with me. I know I'm someones perfect girlfriend and wife. I have that in me. I need someone to appreciate it, not throw it all away.

I talked to BC for an hour and a half. He told me he was sorry I was going through what i was going through, and it was nice to get a males perspective on it. Which was, its a cop out on manfriend's part. If he really feels the way he says about me then he wouldn't walk away. He also said sometimes girls are more mature and we seem to have everything figured out in our heads, and guys have a hard time catching up.

Then he told me how he always thought I was a really great girl, and we had fun together, but it didn't go anywhere. I said eventually I wanted more. He told me I never told him that I did, and I never gave it a chance to go anywhere. I said we saw each other for an awful long time for it to not go anywhere.

I said if there is one thing you learn in life, its not to bring up wanting more to a man, it scares them away. I am old fashioned and always thought it was up to the guy to make those decisions. (shouldn't I have followed my own advice, and not brought up the M word to manfriend?) He said do you think theres a reason I called? I said to complicate things. Everything happens for a reason. He made me laugh. We talked about life, marriage, relationships, kids (puke), and the future. It reassured me that yes, I am in fact a great girl, and that manfriend is making a huge mistake.

BC said he just wasnt ready for a realtionship when we were hooking up, and I said I wasnt either at the time, I was fine with things the way they were. He said sometimes he can be hit with a good thing and not know it. Sometimes he has to get hit a few times. He hasnt had a relationship for a few years, because he got hurt. And said he doesn't miss what I'm going through.

I told him how I feel about manfriend, and that I'm definately not ready to hook up, or try anything else more serious. I would only transfer my emotions onto him and who would know if my feelings were real. I know what I want, and if I can't have it, I'll get over it some day. And I can move on then.

I always seem to be what every guy I date wants. But the timing is off. BC said that he is 33 and starting to think about the future, and that makes him think about me. Words I wish I could hear from the person I love.

I sent manfriend a long email. Everyone said it was good. But it laid it all out there. We're working on this or we arent. I can't have an in between. And he said he agrees we should get together and talk. And thats the plan for tonight. There is no real hope in the "we should talk" aspect.

I certainly don't want to be begging for him to take me back. But I want to honestly know if he wants this to work out. If he is not sure, he can fuck off. If he doesn't know what he wants, too bad for him. I do, and that gives me the option of finding it one day. Him? I honestly think hes going to be one of the guys that realizes he screwed up, and calls me when I'm with my new boyfriend.

And then I get a text this morning. Of course, my heart flutters at the hope it would be manfriend. It wasn't. It was the BC. He asked if I got any sleep and had good dreams. I told him no i didn't sleep very well at all, and he said he knows its rough, and to hang in there, he'll leave me alone for a while. Which, is what I need. Casual sex is a nice distraction, but it also fucks up your head big time when you have a broken heart.

There was a time when my manfriend use to ask me those things, Did I sleep well. How is my day. And now. I'm crying again. Love is grand.

I am looking at an apartment closer to work today. Hopefully two. If nothing else I need a fresh start. Too many memories at my place that I can't get over. And I need a distraction. A healthy distraction, something to focus on. I've been taking up space at work between smoke breaks a.k.a ive been useless.

The kicker...several of manfriends friends have messaged me that they think he is stupid, and one in particular told me I'm better off. I think that one sticks with me the most. Because it is almost as if he knows something I dont, and I'd like to explore that more. I want to ask manfriend about it but dont want to throw anyone under the bus in the meantime. I like to think maybe I'm better off because he doesn't know what he wants. Not because he did anything to hurt me behind my back.

But honestly that would make more sense than the reasons he gave me.

Ummm..Like, No means No...

Friday, I didn't get paid from the second job. Nice. I had to call the landlord and ask her not to cash rent until today, and now I have to send extra money.

Turns out, the dickhead at work who turns in our "stats" didn't turn mine in. I've been clocking in and out, and "not working". Which not only means I don't get paid, it means it fucks up my productivity, which has to be at 80% to not get a write up.

Dude was raised in a carnival. Had rats for friends. You think that I made that up cus he's a creepy crawly dude, but that's the story he tells people. I told you I work with some real gems.

My brother loaned me a portion of what I needed, which was shocking, and nice. But now I'm in the hole already coming into my next pay. I figure, I'll be in debt to cash advance until at least after Christmas. How's that working 60 hours a week and getting ahead goin for ya? Fabulous thanks, pretty fucking fabulous. I could look back and blame lots of people for being in the situation I am financially, but really, I can only take responsibility for me.

Friday night, "someone" texted me. Let's refer to last week, when I told "someone" that I have a boyfriend, and that's that... right? Mind you I hadn't even seen him since before I went out with the boy, which is the longest we'd gone w/o seeing each other, so what the fuck?

Anyhow, Friday he texts me and asks when the last time I thought about "us" was. Huh? Was there an "us" to begin with? No! I said "it's been a while, I told you I have a BF now, and I am quite happy, I have everything I want. Not the kind of girl who does that sort of thing." /message.

Does having a mutually non-commited relationship make you a friggin' slutbag, or what? Seriously?

I'm just gonna stop responding, cus I told him what's up twice!

I didn't get to see that boy til about 9 on Saturday. Needless to say it was long overdue. *Ahem.*... We went to see "30 Days of Night". Cree-eepy! We met my brother for a couple drinks after the movie, it was like 1 am. Brother likes the boy. Like I said before, what's not to like? Seriously? You'd like him too. He right off the bat didn't like the exes.

Guess what the boy did for me on Sunday? Besides the wake-up, which goes without saying? wink wink. He put a door on for me.Yea, so not only did he do that, he put the door knob on the right way cus it locked from the downstairs and not the upstairs. He's smart about manly things! He was pretty good with a screwdriver too. And he's so good to me. I love it!

Then he took me to eat, and we went shopping. We went to Joann's to find baggies. I suggested looking in the wedding aisle cus they'd probably have them for favors. He said it was slick how I got him to the wedding aisle.

After all that business we rented movies and chilled out. I surely love him. Of course when he left I cried. I stopped even trying to figure out why I do that. Cus it isn't the being alone. I don't mind being alone....I just wish it never had to end. *sigh* And today I miss him terribly. I don't want to sound hokey and say that he 'completes me', but he definatly makes me feel 'right' when we are together. I always knew there was someone for me in the world, that would make me this happy. Who knew I just had to believe it, and be patient?

Burning Bridges...

You know, I've never been the type of person to burn bridges. This is why when my stupid ex bf's call, I don't just tell them to eff off!!

That's why CP still contacts me.

And, that's why 'NEW GUY' has contacted me from time to time since I've met manfriend. The first time he texted me was after my first date with new manfriend, and I told him I was tired. At the time, I didn't know where things were headed for me and the boy. I knew I liked him...but, why burn that bridge? Right after sending him that message, the boy texted me something cute. Signs.

I told him I had company. Last night he texted me at work. He said it was his birthday and asked what I got him. I said nothing, but happy birthday. Me=friendly gal. Then he asked what I was doing, and I said working. In the back of my head I was like, what's my problem? I should just tell him what's going on, and not think twice about it. I thought he'd just leave me alone if I kept blowing him off. Then he said I should come over after work.

So, I just responded that I have a boyfriend for about a month now, and I'm not the kind of girl that does that sorta thing. And that was that.

We weren't in any sort of relationship. It was clear what we had was just sex, as was defined by the times we had fun hanging out, then we didn't talk for weeks.

I am always greatful for what I have I am thankful out loud to the universe for bringing me the second job I've wanted, and the man of my dreams. The weight loss I have tried to achieve for years, and I have a place to live, and food to eat, and family and friends. The more you are thankful, the more you will receive, right?

Now, I'm waiting for this to work with money.

Getting The Hell Outta Dodge!.....

So, I'm getting the hell outta dodge. I leave at 5:45 a.m. for Virginia Beach. Vrooooooooom. Think of me flying over in a plane and how safe I'm going to be from everything that can be unsafe on a plane! I'm pretty sick over it. Bleh. But, I'm really excited to get out of town for a few days, of course I GET TO SEE MY EDWIN TOMORROW!!! And, I met my weight loss goal of 35 lbs for the trip, and exceeded it by 1 pound. Yay for me.

Last night I finally met up with someone. We'd been missing communications for a few days and it was getting old. I had the best time, because that was just what I needed. And by 'that' I think you know what I mean.

He also asked me what I wanted out of life. I didn't hesitate to mention, that I wanted a boy who loves and adores me. Cus, well...who doesn't? I think he was wanting to know if I wanted more than a booty call. I do. But I also want the person to want it just as much as I do. You know..... some day, I'll be swept up by another boy and he will be sorry he didn't marry me or something. Cus, girls like me don't come around that often. Wink wink... See how I am learning my own value?

No further developments with my brother. I'm putting that drama on hold until I get back from vay cay. I can't let anything ruin the ride I'm on right now. Cus it's pretty nice. I am however, going to miss my Mommy. My leaving only means I'll see her one more night when I return from the beach, and then she's gone again. I tried talking her into moving back to Ohio...because it IS the heart of it all. (Ok so that was totally cheesy)

Goodbye cruel world.....I'm off to join the circus!

Sunny Side Up...

I had a decent weekend, despite the fact that I had to work the whole time. And slept through most of our beautiful weather. I did get to see someone on Saturday. This made me happy. I don't talk much about someone cus theres nothing much to say, at this point, but there is someone. If there is ever a special someone you'll be like, the 5th to know. I promise. And get this, someone isn't one of my exes!

Moving on. CP had court Friday, he goes again in like a week, so we still don't know what's going to happen. He still has no job. He owes me money. He has 2 days to pay me. I'm pretty much all he has left. Unless of course, this was also a lie. Personally, I'm not convinced that he isn't still on drugs. I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Went on a bike ride yesterday, only an hour and 15 minutes. I also ate lots of carbs this weekend. I also crapped them all out. I'm not sure if CP did something to the food, or if it was cus I'm not use to having them, but whatever. I havn't seen much change in my weight for a while, so I have to do something different. I'm already working out 5 days a week for an hour, so I am compromising, and working out longer for 2 of those days. I don't think I should have to, but what the fuck do I know?

The universe sent me an angel to come and work for me this Friday, 7-11 so I don't have to work for 21 hours in a row with no sleep. I'll work 11-8 or 9 vs. 7-7.

P.S. I only owe $156 on one of my credit cards!

Back To Reality...

My Momma and sissy left this morning. I'm once again all alone and on the hunt for a J-O-B. I'm sad. Panicked. It's pretty much inevitable, that I will have to be on unemployment come January. Nobody is hiring at this time of year. I can't afford to take any old job, because I'll make damn good money on unemployment seeing how I worked two jobs forever, I get a pretty decent wage. More than most places are willing to pay me to do actual you know, work. It just sucks not having any real security. Ho Hum.

I had a really good time with the family. I ate like a pig and did no exercise so I feel like a lard now. Bleh. CP called me starting the day the family arrived, and has called every day since. Apparently after four days he decided he missed me. And fucked up letting me go. It took four days.

I told him there was "someone" else in the picture, even though there is no commitment with the someone else, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I still think about the new guy constantly. That's the trouble with men. They invade your fucking mind. Well, at least with me they do. I have too many other things to worry about with my life right now, I don't need to think about a man. But my my, what a nice distraction!

With CP....it's nice to have company, and attention. But that's all it is. He did bring me flowers the other night. Not that it erases anything he's done. It's still nice. It's even nicer, to feel like someone actually wants you. Which I don't have with CP, and got from the other guy. Do I sound like a hussie or what? I don't fucking care. I'm young. Apparently, I have no idea what the hell I want. Once I tell CP that, I'm sure he'll quit coming around. With him, it's all or nothing. Screw letting me figure my life out.

Heather spent Friday night trying to hook me up with some boy they know. She thinks we would hit it off. She pretty much told him everything about me, so there is nothing left to tell. We may go out this weekend, but that sorta thing makes me nervous. I did win tickets to the comedy club for Saturday. I guess we'll see how it all pans out. One thing is for sure, I don't want to be the girl that goes out and 10 guys in the room have all slept with me, mkay?

We had a lot of fun out to dinner on Saturday night. Kat and Heather went with me and the family. We had sangaria but we weren't drunk. You would have thought we were, we laughed so hard we cried.