"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Message from the universe...

Draw upon all of your patience to deal with a friend who is feeling moody and slow today. Even if you are getting a bit fed up with her or his attitude, you have to be sympathetic. Imagine yourself in this pal's shoes for a few hours today. You'll soon see that if you had to deal with what this friend is dealing with, you'd be in a very similar type of mood. Bring more empathy back into your life -- it will help you understand.

*woa* This is dead on....I totally need to work on my empathy!

Ask, And Ye Shall Receive...

Remember back when I was complaining about how I had no compassion for people, and it was something I wanted to learn. And then I was even looking at tattoos about compassion. I guess I should've really thought about that before I put those words out into the world. Because that is just what I got, lot's of ways to learn compassion.

On one hand, I've got my brother who I just want to shake until his head is so rattled, he get's some sense. He really is so far down in his life right now, that I think coming back up seems impossible to him. I talked to him a few times about it, to no avail.

CP, on the other hand, is still the same old CP he has been since I met him. I mean, he has changed some aspects of his life, but he is still an addict. He got into some trouble for stealing, for drugs. He claims he "slipped up" thinking he could handle doing it again. I really have no pity for him whatsoever. He already got into trouble this past winter, for drugs, and so this time, he has to go to rehab for 90 days. There were signs, but I knew he was being tested each week so as usual I doubted myself. Everything I said was "off" was truely "off" because he was using drugs again. He would've been caught with the test eventually, it was only a matter of time.

Wednesday, I finally had a breakdown, and then a panic attack over all of this bullshit. It's only the second time I had one, and it doesn't get easier either. I'd spent the day trying to find some sort of short term disability, or financial help for my brother, because I can't afford to support him, my Mom and sister cant keep sending money. There is no help. If I have any advice for people in Ohio, get short term disability on your health insurance, because the state has no care for you unless you are 'disabled' at least a year. They actually asked me, if my brother could work sitting down. I said, um, probably, but he is attached to a machine sucking blood and puss out of his leg, and I don't think people would enjoy that. Then they said, well if he loses his job he can get unemployment then. Seriously? Encourage people not to work, and the sad thing is, he would be better off. He'd get FREE health care, and FREE money!

But.. you can run out and have 50 kids, and be in perfect health, but too fucking lazy to work, and the government will just hand you a check each month, and some food stamps. I'm seriously disgusted by this now. I never liked the idea, but, after dealing with this shit with my brother? Unbelievable.

This was all too much, I literally thought I was dying, my heart hurt, I couldn't breathe. Then, it all came out. I started driving in the car (my only privacy) and bawling to some Elton John song. But it didn't stop. I really needed it, because I've been holding it in for too long.

I have a lot to handle with my brother. He has a bunch of issues with his home that need fixed. he has no income while he is off work, he has no money period, no bank account. No sense of how to take care of himself at all. I remember being that way when I got divorced, I know it's scarey, but I told him that now, my independance is my biggest accomplishment. I did something I never thought I could do. I tried to encourage him to call his boss and save his job. If he gets let go, he loses his health insurance. But, he doesnt think about those things. So, I'm stuck worrying about it.

CP. I dunno what to say. In some ways, he is all I have in the way of help with my brother, in that he helps me clean the house, takes him places if I am busy, and of course, the financial part of it. Without his money every week, I'm not going to be able to afford to keep my brother with me. I mean, I can, but it will be tight, and I don't want to have to sacrifice for someone else when he wont even pick up a phone and call his boss to save his job. I'm working two jobs, worrying about CP and his drug problems, and my brother and his mental/health issues. I'm working two jobs to pay off my debt. I am so fucking sick of it. So. sick. Of it. I mean, I see no end in sight with my brother still at my place.

Maybe that is selfish. Maybe that's why he has to go away? Maybe my letting him stay with me, when his family disowned him is to show me that I am a good person? I have to learn to stand on my own again, not just financially. I think I have that part down pat. Maybe I work three jobs. Maybe I'll win the lottery? Maybe I'll believe people when they tell me I'm a good person for taking care of these two? Maybe I'll like taking care of my brother. Maybe I'll succeed in helping him, and it'll make me feel good, ala "My name is Earl" style. I know that I can see the problem with my brother, and relate in a way, because I had many of his issues when I got divorced.

The problem with CP? I take his problem way too personally, as usually happens when you are in a relationship with an addict. Even as a friend. I know I'm tired of being lied to. It seemed that everything he said was a lie. And, I mean...everything. I'm going to start to move on with my romantic life. Maybe not romantic, but I'm not closing myself off from other men. No matter how that makes CP feel. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. Just because he is stuck in the past, doesn't mean I'm going to be. He shouldn't have the luxury of me always being there. I plan to be a friend to him, and that's all it can be. I can't keep getting emotionally invested in this relationship. I have to be smarter than that. I've only dated alchoholics/drug addicts in my entire life, minus one guy. So, you would think I'd wise up by now.

Hello, universe? Ok, I get it. Stop with the avalanche of personal criseses now. I'm working on it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

It's Only A Dream...

There's a lot of stuff going on with me right now, I know, suprising, huh? I'll blog about it all when I can get my thoughts together, but until then, enjoy this dream I had last night.

I was house sitting in this rich house. This is the second scary dream I had while I was house sitting a nice house. If you have a nice house, don't ask me to watch it. Well this time my brother was there, and Kat was there. There was this big ass 3 level deck on the back, and the yard was all woods. It was a nice breezy night and I was flickering the lights on to see which ones best illuminated the deck. When I noticed a bug zapper, and a fire pit, I thought we should all go out and enjoy the evening. I'd turn on some lights, and open the door to see what was lit up, and each time, a rocker on the deck would rock back and forth. The first few times I didn't think anything of it.

The people also had a dog. The dog started barking at the door. My brother and Kat didn't want to go outside on the deck, and I opened the door to get them to go out and then ALL the chairs started rocking. Vigorously. I yelled STOP!, and they stopped. I told them it was safe to go outside, and when we opened the door it happened again, and I was screaming STOP! STOP IT! And then Kat joined in yelling, and all the lights went on and off, and the chairs were all banging on the porch. Like little old unseen ladies rocking on crack or something!

In the middle of it all, I realized I forgot to feed the fish. This is something I dream all the time, forgetting to feed the fish. I'll have fish in an aquarium, and days go by and I think...FUCK! The fish must be starving! I read once it had something to do with fertility. But that was in my dream book, I've found many interpretations. Back to the dream...after realizing I forgot to feed the fish in the middle of inanimate objects moving on their own, I ate the fish food. It didn't taste very good at all. But I still ate it.

I'll interject here, that sometimes I also dream that I eat cat poop. I'm not kidding. I eat it right out of the litterbox. Now, you want to talk about some nasty shit! What do you suppose THAT means? I clean the box every day, so I'm not thinking that my cats are walking in shit or something.

Meanwhile, my brother and Kat holed up in a small room off the porch while everything was going nuts. I ran in there with them (fish fed) and we were all just screaming Stop! Go away! Leave us alone! We're not afraid of you! It never did stop, but I did wake up with a pounding headache. Like I was really screaming my lungs out. (that, or it's the bug living behind my eye)

The dream was really disturbing, though to read it, it didn't sound so bad. I'm thinking that I was trying to stop the madness in my life somehow. Because that is what I want to scream at CP all the time. JUST STOP! More on this topic with CP at a later date and time.

About an aquarium: (the fish are always in an aquarium)

To see fish in an aquarium, is indicative of small pleasures that last of short duration either in your life or to come. The condition and size of the fish tank or aquarium, is also an indicator as to the quality and/or quantity of the pleasure.

About the fish symbol:

The fish is an age old symbol and one which frequently appears within dreams. Within the dream the fish tends to represent that which is formed yet remains unconscious. Catching a fish is to pull from out of the waters of the unconscious onto the dry land of ones conscious mind. The fish and fishing can also represent the process of dreaming and dream analysis itself.

About fish:

To see live fish in a dream is very much good luck unless the fish was carp, in which case it is a warning against subjecting yourself by your actions to criticism. A fish swimming in clear water is an omen that you will acquire personal wealth and power. but to see a dead fish as in a market is an omen of disappointment. Cooking and eating fish, except carp, indicates your present endeavors will meet with success.

I personally like the idea that I am going to acquire personal wealth and power. That suits me, thankyouverymuch.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I'm pretty sure I have a bug living behind my eye. It's woke me up the past two nights out of a dead sleep. The pain.

I also have caught that old disease that gives you gray hairs. I found a 4 inch one. That's been there a while. I'm blaming it on running a home for wayward boys. It's stressful. They probably put that bug in my eye on purpose. Sorry folks, I have no life insurance.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Loyal To a Fault...

This Monday royally blows. Why you ask? Because I don't have a weekend to look forward to. Mine will be spent working. While I feel it is my duty to help my brother out, I sure can't wait to have my apartment back to myself. I am a girl who loves her me-time for which I have had none in weeks. What's worse, my brother can't even go back home until I help him get things together at his own place, and we know from my recent work bitching, I don't have a weekend off until July 13th. And by then, I'm going to want a weekend to fucking do nothing! Calgon? Take me away?

I'm always a sticker. A loyal friend thru and thru. A loyal employee, who sticks it out when the company is going to shit, only to be let go. A loyal wife who forgives abuse and cheating, only to be the one left one day. A loyal employee who gets screwed in her work schedule, yet won't quit for the guilt she'd feel in doing so. An ex-fiance that lets you move back in with her because for some reason she wants to believe all the bullshit you tell her. The most recent installment in my loyalty is my bank.

I've been with the same bank for 17 years. I paid off a car loan with them. Sure, I've had overdrafts, but I never closed my account to save myself the fees, I took it like a trooper. So, 7 years ago I filed bankruptcy, and included a $5,000 loan (for the marriage that failed mind you) from said bank. That shit bank has never given me anything. They wouldn't even let me open a savings account. A SAVINGS account. I could have another checking, but not a savings. So I got one at another bank.

For the past 7 years I've been building my credit back up. My score is past the mid-point, which if you ask me is pretty damn good for someone who has a bankruptcy, foreclosure, and reposession under her belt. I've since had 2 car loans which I pay faithfully, a couple credit cards, a washer/dryer loan that I paid off in 6 months same as cash, and I was approved for a mortgage 3 years ago. I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

I tried to get overdraft protection, at my bank of 17 years last week. This would be the second time I tried in three years. Guess what? I was denied. Denied, because it's only available as a visa card. I think it's time I break the cycle of loyalty with a lot of things in my life. And, I'm going to start with my fucking bank. Assholes.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Workplace Drama...

So when I got off work this morning, the dayshift wknd girl told me she thinks she got the other midnight girl fired. I said good going, now we'll get screwed into working the extra shifts. Know why she didn't give a shit? She works days. Who will get screwed? Me. As if I don't get the screw being the only one having to work midnights as it is.

This girl came into work one night I guess after drinking. Mind you she wasn't working, she came in to check her email she said. This dayshift girl decided to call the Major and tell him what she did. Why? Cus she is a dumbass. So I get to work today, after getting little, to no sleep all day because my fucking neighbor was out working on his 4-wheeler all day, and I had an email from the leutenant. He said I could have off 2 wknds I requested in July, but that I had to work next weekend, as they let this other girl go. Sayhuh? Make that bitch that squealed work it. Damn!

How's the saying go? I got fucked, without a kiss? I'm dead fucking tired. I went on a long bike ride with CP. He took us a picnic and we fed the ducks. He pulled me for a while too. I kept holding on to him. I crack me up. Lazy ass biotch that I am. I didn't work out Thursday, or Friday, so this kicked my ass! Plus the fact that I'm working round-the-clock doesn't help. Seriously, I'm getting too old for this. I kinda just want to curl up into a ball and admit defeat. The world is more powerful than me. I cannot keep trying to get ahead at the expense of my own sanity, and well-being.

Excerpt from an actual report I entered tonight:"I was delivering pizza's at the (enter hotel name) to room (enter room number). A man answered the door and a woman in the background asked "Is she hot?". He closed the door and came back. The woman kept repeating in the background "I want her to lick my pussy".

Now, the funny thing about this is, it was a dictation, and the officer actually had to say those words out loud. I got quite a kick out of this one.

Another actual excerpt from a report I entered. A lesson on the kind of fucking idiots I have to deal with."At (this person's neighbor's address), dogs were barking continuously from 6:00pm to 6:15 pm"

That's not a typo. A person actually wasted an officer's time to report the neighbors dog barked for 15 whole minutes.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Fun, You Stupid Idiot....

You know that part of that one song, "I'm the Man" by Anthrax? 'We really don't care, we just want to have, a festival, fun you stupid idot'. No? Ok, nevermind. The point is, there's a festival going on in the old town this weekend. I got no sleep. I fell asleep at 6:30, and CP woke me up at 7 in the kitchen and I never got back to sleep. I was 15 min late to work due to all the road blocks.

Finally, I had to call in and ask the sergeant what to do to get to work. He told me to pull the old "I need to get to work" routine with the po-po's. It just so happened to be the only cop that really talks to me, and I think is cute that let me thru. I felt like I had a back stage pass or something cus they let me go thru the road block. I'll remember that when I'm late again some time.

There is an "alive" festival also going on by my house. This is a christian rock festival. There's 3 calls in for complaints about the noise. I swear people have no lives. Working at the po-po's solidifies that. I'm hoping for a quiet evening. Tomorrow, there's fireworks. I plan to turn our outside camera around, and watch them from inside work. Of course, some dickheads will call and complain about the fireworks being too loud, and ruin my fun.

I found out today that Friday July 6th, instead of working 11pm-7am after working my 8-5 day job, I will be working 7pm-7am. 24 hours of work, because I fucking love it. I sure hope you don't plan on talking to me any time that weekend. Because the shit will fly.

I'm sure if something arises, I'll update with a good drunk story. I'm about ready to quit this God forsaken job.

P.S. This is only the cutest thing I've seen in forever. Otters are the most adorable animals.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A Day In The Life...

Well, apparently Fox took down the links yesterday to the news story I tried to post. One of the news anchors was talking about an upcoming story on the air guitar. He said to the other anchor "I don't know if he can play air guitar but I've seen him play the skin flute". The other anchor laughed and said he had no words for that. Classic. Nothing exciting ever happens in Ohio.

So, since I'm too busy to do anything, here's what I've been up to, for instance, yesterday.

Got to work, got free breakfast, made a billion reports for a billion people. Worked on newsletters, more reports, answered a million calls. Gave all my piddly-ass work to the temp. We have a temp. Sweet.

In between working and answering phones, I made several calls to find out just why I wasn't paid for my part time job. Turns out, they never faxed my time sheet to the temp place. The woman who does it is on vacation so no one did it. Nice huh? I needed that money to pay my electric Tuesday as promised, so I charged the damn bill on my credit card! Now I have to pay that off before it gathers interest!

Left work, went to settle the matter with Movie Gallery. The matter in which they TRIPLE charged me for 1 transaction, and I had spent the previous two days chasing that problem down. That took about a half an hour. Then I went to the grocery store for my brother. Got home and went on a bike ride for an hour and a half with CP. We stopped to feed the ducks. I think this is the most rest I had all week. I'm totally gonna video the ducks next time, they come trucking up to you for food, and eat out of your hand. I love the ducks.

When we got home, I cleaned the downstairs with CP's help, then he did the dishes. I hung up some laundry, sat for 1/2 hour to watch a TV show, got a bath, and by then it's 11:00. I watched 1 program in its entirety, and went to bed. Now, you tell me, where the fuck is my ME time? I've had to clean every day. Normally I straighten up but not CLEAN every day.

Then I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Meanwhile, CP was up playing video games all night. He asked this morning if I needed anything. I said "yea, I need for you to get up every morning and go to work like me". He supposedly starts a job next week. And, let's hope for his sake he has the $ he owes me on Friday.

My Momma said it best. It's as if I am running a home for wayward men. Seriously.

Update. Katie said she thinks they found the body of that missing woman. Near where we grew up. Not far from my house. Where I ride my danged bike and walk all the time! I work for the police in that area. Guess I'll get the scoop when I work this wknd.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

TV Dad

I did the TITMT from Janet a day late. Because every time I watch Leave it to Beaver I think to myself, gee Wally, wouldn't Ward be a swell dad? Seriously, he was all business, and yet, when he got home, he'd put on his sweater and polo shirt and be "down to earth dad" too. I just love him. And he's always nice to June. And as long as I wasn't married to him doing all the damned work around the house, I'd like him just fine.

Anyone that would rescue their kid from a steaming cup of coffee, and not smack the shit out of him, is a bitchin dad in my book! Bill Cosby would be a fun dad too...but I don't watch much of the Cosby sow anymore.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Respect My Authoritah....

I don't have much time for writing. I'm quite the busy girl. We have our 120 district managers here for meetings this week. Tonight is our "outing". We are going to an Akron Aero's game. It's like the minor leagues for the indians or something queer like that. But it's a good time and it's close to home. Work rented out the restaurant so we get to be inside in the A/C or out in tents playing games, and winning prizes. This time I've got my eye on a digital camera with digital frame. Those things are pretty bad-ass! I'll have a glass or two of wine. And enjoy the evening, even if it rains and there is no game. Who likes sports anyhow?

I'm so busy cus my boss and the other mgr. in the department left to get things set up at the park, and my boss pulled me in the office to ask me to be in charge when she was gone. *Ahem* that's right. Me. She asked me to keep an eye on the girls, and see if they have any issues, or trouble, and intervene. Or, if there are any problems to handle them. If someones hair is on fire, call her cell phone. I'm trying not to let the power go to my head, but it's really hard to do. What with my measly 6 months with the company and all. I exhibit a cool, clear, and rational way about myself. Actually she said I'm level headed. Same difference.

Meanwhile I'm trying to get my money straight. I'm still suppose to pay $192 to the electric company today. Which, would be well and good as I got 180 from CP, and I get paid from the police station, right? Wrong. No pay. They can't even look into why, until Friday because technically Friday is pay day. My guess is the jackoff's at the police station never faxed my time card in. Cus, that's how they roll. Shady motherfuckers. So now I'm gong to have to charge my Electric bill because I wont have any money to live on if I pay the bill in full. Plus...I got online to check my account, and I was charged three times the last time I went to rent movies. That's 60 bucks! Spent my lunch at the bank trying to clear it up and it turns out I have to go to the movies place to fix it. So, I can't kickit too much tonight cus I have to leave early to fix my finances. So, the luck of it all is that my landlord moved to NC and has not yet gotten my rent check for June. If that cashes any time soon, I'm in trouble!

But, in the meantime, I'm in charge of my coworkers. Nah nah...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

It's My Day..

Today, is MY day. I'm having a day that puts yesterday to shame. Yesterday, is another story. Today, I got my ring! It's beyootiful. Well worth the wait. Sorta. If I liked waiting, which I don't. I also got a call from my hair stylist, who had a cancellation, and guess who gets to have her hair colored and cut tonight? Yep, that'd be me! So, today is good and I am carrying my positivity thru to the evening.

Last night, however, was an evening straight from hell. When nothing goes right. I had planned to get some stuff done at my brother's house with CP, and turns out, my brother was released from the hospital. I had nothing ready. No money. No food. House still a mess. It was hours of cussing, and running, and calling Mom to get it all together.

My sister Western Union'ed (is that a word?) me some money for food for my brother and to get his scripts. I went to pick it up and apparently they forgot to give the woman working at Rite Aid a brain that day. I mean, serioulsy, I was there for half an hour while she fumbled through, called another manager, and had two other associates attempt to help her. I was such a bitch to that woman, that I can never go back. It's the only pharmacy near my house too. Nice.

I was there so long I had to go home to pee, steadily cussing and driving like an asshole, so much so, that my neighbor tried calling me several times as she witnessed my erratic behavior. I went to another store to pick up the money, get inside, go to three places in the store, and they don't do Western Union. Only money gram. What the fuck is the difference? So then I call my brother to have him brought down to the car so I don't have to go up to get him and go get my car, and waste another hour. By that time it was 8:00 and we still had to get money, and get his scripts.

Did I mention I have some raging PMS? Worth noting. Finally get to a place to get the money, get him some food, go get his prescriptions, and I was finally home at 9:00. I did not work out. I despise changing my routine. I get what your saying universe, the world isn't mine for the taking or some shit, but hello, I'm not going to change how I am.

I'm super busy at work. We have a huge meeting next week, and I've got three VP's to prepare for it. Plus my normal month end shit which is plenty thankyouverymuch. I got an irate customer today. You know if a customer is calling the Vice President, they are beyond hope, and utterly pissed off. Turns out this was the woman we got an email about telling us "do not engage her in conversation, transfer her immediately to customer relations". You've got to be a pretty big bitch to have an email dedicated to you. Asking people to not even engage you in conversation. Too bad, I did, long before getting her name. Now, this bitch has my name and extension. Lucky me.

So, I woke up this morning, tired as fuck because I couldn't sleep. And told myself I am going to have a fabulous day. I was at work early. Got a hair appointment when there was a month wait, and my ring came in. I seriously don't ask for much. I don't know how the rest of the coming weeks will work out for me, but I'm trying not to think about it.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Material Girl...

I visited my brother at the hospital last night. Ya, he's still in there. The hole in his leg is considerably smaller, but they are trying to regulate his blood to send him home. He's doing good though. The point of this was about me of course, that even though I got home after 8, I still worked out. Cus I'm freaking awesome like that! Normally, if I don't go right home after work, and get right to working out, I find 10,000 excuses not to do it. But my reason last night was that I'd be pissed at myself if I went another week without my 6 days. I'm the only one in control of my own life. And since we know I love to control stuff, there you go. I make me happy.

Plus CP bought me some beer. I havn't had it's icy coldness for quite some time, and I thought I had to definatly work out if I wanted to partake in a frosty one. Note to all: beer is an excellent motivator.

So, like...ummmm, three weeks ago I special ordered a ring from work. I had my eye on it, and it was never in when I wanted to buy it. So I ordered it. Then when it came in last week, I had to have it sized. I've been waiting three weeks, and up to five for my damn ring. I'm feeling lucky this week. Hopefully it'll be in tomorrow.

I can't find a picture of it even to post. That's how special it is. Well, maybe not, but it's different. It's just white gold, and diamond chips made to look antique. It'll tide me over, until I buy myself a big fat diamond ring one day.

I entered a drawing today to win some jewelry. I'm telling you the company is smart. You invest most of your money back into it buying shit. Anyways, it's for cancer, so I'm helping people out. I entered to win a Seiko watch, white gold with a pink face, cus it's cute, and twice to win a tanzenite ring, cus it's pretty sweet. The drawing is on Friday. Wish me luck.

I havn't had my hair done since April. April people! I have roots, and my hair is all scraggly. I can't get in for three weeks. I need to start pre-booking my freaking appointments a month in advance. If I was good at dealing with change, and trusting people, I could go somewhere else. But, I'm not.

I wonder if it's warm enough to go to the lake yet? I'd love to go swimming this weekend.

Send Help...

Hello, like, the year 1807? How did you live without air conditioning? Is this why people died in their 30's back then? Seriously? I'm just wondering. I'm ready to move into a cave or something. It's worth putting up with the bugs and bats for. I'd bathe in a stream, and the cats would keep the mice away. Shit, it's totally free too. Might not be a bad idea! Ok, with the shitty stuff going on with me, I had better not tempt fate. Hello, universe? Don't make me homeless to prove a point, K?

I was trying not to put the A/C in yet, cus I 'm too poor to afford my elevated electric charges. Cus my bills still too high. Ok, most dumbfucked thing ever happened. ...(so stupid I spent 5 minutes rewriting the word dumbfucked to find a more appropriate one, btw: impossible).. My electric bill is $262. Not for the month, but total.

I got online, as I do every month, to schedule my electric payment of $120. (which if you ask me is a very ample payment when my current bill is only $70!) I can't. I have to pay $192 or nothing at all. So, instead of taking some of my money, they'd rather get none of my money.

When did they start denying payments? I don't fucking know. So I tried 15 times to submit my payment. Fifteen times. I have to act like Fred Flintstone now, and use a paper, and pen, and write out an actual check, lick an envelope, and pay 40 something cents to mail them a payment. As if them saying I had to pay 192 is going to make me magically materialize that extra 72 bucks. "Oh, well...now that you mention it, I did have the money to pay my whole bill, and I was just bullshittin...here you go".

Yet again I state, if I ruled the world, I'd take your money no matter how much you gave me. Money pays the bills, dickheads.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

School's Out For-Ev-Er!...

Boy, you can sure tell that school's out. There is just too many people out in the world when school's out. Does it make me old that I don't remember what the hell I did when I was out of school forever? I mean, I remember going on my "senior parade" where you write "94 rulz" and "Seniors" on your car windows with a bar of soap, tie toilet paper, and streamers to your windshield wipers, and drive around your school, beeping your horn with friends hanging out the windows and screaming. I just don't remember anything else. How sad is that? I know I didn't go out and toss my friends into street signs. That's for sure.

You think I'm making that up, don't you? Saturday night's been busy at the old police station. I had some guy come in for a domestic violence charge. Did you know, it's not domestic violence if you aren't married, divorced, have a child, or living together. Otherwise it's an "assault" charge. Had a hit and run, A couple bar fights, some mischeivious teenagers terrorizing a neighborhood - throwing each other into street signs. I think the kids are hopped up on the crack, or Oxy, or whatever the kids are doing these days. I mean picture it. "Ok steve, now, I'm gonna run, and you grab me, and throw me into that stop sign! It'll be bitchin!" And this was all before midnight! I can hardly wait to see what kind of drunks they haul in.

Friday night some dick was brought in on a DUI. He drove over the median left of center, crossed traffic in the opposite direction, off the road, and into an embankment, and into some woods. Dude was drunk. They had him in the back forever. A cab came for him, and had to wait around for him. When they brought the dude out, the officer told the cabby that if he drove him home, he'd have to sign a paper taking responsibility for him. When he said he was willing to do that, the dick didn't say anything. Personally, you'd never catch me signing custody for some drunk-ass stranger. But, whatever.

Dick's Mom shows up. Dick's like, 30 something, OK? When Dick tells the cabby he'll pay him for his trouble, he turns to the cop and calls him a liar. Dick proceeds to fight with him, because Dick claims the officer told him, a family member had to pick him up. Cop put the smack down on Dick, and told him to shut up, and not to act like he's bad because his Mommy was there now.

If he wanted to continue with his attitude, they could discuss it behind bars. Oh, snap! Dick didn't take the hint, and kept saying stupid shit like, "yea, it would be a pretty good night if you hadn't lied to me." Apparently the guy was retarded or something, I don't know. Cop told his mom that he has been acting that way all night and that he needed medication for his mood swings. Told Mom how he could have killed himself, and the people he cut off on the OTHER side of the road. The whole time Dick is insisting that the cop is a liar. Meanwhile I'm trying to pretend to be busy cus it's a little akward to be witnessing fights and doing nothing about it. When they finally left, the cop turned to me, shook his head, and said "what a prick". Well-said copper, well-said.

This reminds me of that section in People magazine where they put pictures of celebrities picking their noses and stuff.

"Cops, they're just like us"

Edit: The night brought in some drunk dude who's driver was arrested, and he had to find a ride. He hit on me for a freaking hour until his dad came to get him. He thought I was 22. He kept saying how cool I am and that I looked good, and wanted to know if I could take him home when I got off work. As if I would give some random drunk guy a ride home, to Springfield. Ok, cus I have nothing better to do. Is this the new way I have to look forward to meeting men?

My $10 Subscription Made My Day...

Fun Trivia! Friday, in the matter of an hour it did which of the following? A -It rained. B-Downpoured. C-Hailed. D-Sunny and clear. E-Torrential rain, with 70 mph winds. F-90 degrees and humid. G-Sprinkling rain. The answer is "H" all of the above. Our state motto is "if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes". Although, I think that "construction capital of the world" might take over as the motto real soon.

Have I mentioned how I got Entertainment Weekly for $10 this year? Ok, maybe I did, but still, you have to admit, that is a steal! They love their past subscribers! So, I got two in the mail so far. Oh..how I missed thee. Let me count the ways. Well, let's not, but Hot summer TV 50 shows to watch. Hello- 50 shows I've practically never heard of? Stuff that's coming back? I remember a time when nothing good was on in the summer, and it was a HUGE deal when 90210 did their "summer seasons".

Oh, TV shows. I shall enter many of you into my TiVo to find and record you. And, we will see if our relationship will be magical or not. Let's see what I'm going to be watching this summer, Shall we?. Ahem.

Holey Shit!! They are bringing back The 4400. If you like heros, you should check this show out. Only, it's in season three and you might be lost. And since hero's totally stole their thunder I bet it gets canceled. But anyway they're like hero's, only the future stole them, screwed with their DNA, and brought them all back at once to save the future. But the present hates them. And wants them to all die. All 4,400 of them, just showed up one day! Poof! And they each have a power. For a season you thought it was aliens. But it isn't. It's flippin' awesome. On USA.

Big Brother starts in July. There is nothing better than having one of your shows on 3 nights a week. All they disclosed for the new year was they have to eat the slop again. Awesome.

Creature Comforts. This started already, and I'm pissed I missed it. It's claymation. I love claymation. It's a lost art. From the makers of Wallace and Gromit. Claymation. Ok?

Kyle XY. I started watching this last summer by accident, and turns out, it's a pretty decent show. I'm intrigued by aliens, even though I fucking hate them. Kyle isn't a known alien though, we just know he wasn't "born" cus he has no belly button. He's like a super human bred for murder or something.

My Life on the D List. I love this show. Mostly because if I had the ability to be funny for money, I'd totally be Kathy Griffin. She makes me laugh, and she hates kids. That's important.

World Series of Pop Culture. This is one of those shows you watch and say "I could totally win this shit" but you know if you really were on the show, you'd be just as idiotic as those schmucks are on TV. Anyhow, it's a lot of fun, on VH1.

Miami Ink. I love this show. When I first watched it I wondered how a show about tattoos could be interesting, but people have stories for their tats, and I love it! And how cool was it Kat got the boot last season? That's some good TV. Now she has her own show, that I'll be watching too!

One good thing about TV (ha ha ha like there isn't a billion) is that it gives me a reason to walk on the treadmill. Only, if I walked the whole time I watched TV I might not complain about being fat, now would I?

Friday, June 08, 2007

How Bout Those Cavs...

Ok, I really don't give two shits, hell, I don't give one shit about sports. But you can't exist without hearing about the stupid Cav's. So, they made history. For themselves. I think it just reassures that they sucked for what...40 years? And, I'm from Akron, where Lebron is from. It's even worse here. Get a life people. He's a man, not a king. I particularly hate basketball due to the squeaky shoe noise.

Due to me having a bad week, I visited the jewelry store at work. Being among the diamonds made me happy. I wrote down some stuff I want to buy when I have money. Good thing I didn't get anything else, because there was $47 out of my check today. Ouch.

Then today to make myself happy I got the ultimate grilled cheese special at work. Swiss, provolone, and american cheese on texas toast. It might have been the best thing I've had in a year, but I might be biased because I have PMS. And, I've not had cheese or carbs for so long. Unless you count the two donuts I had Tuesday. Kat came over Wednesday and we went for a walk. She made me laugh, and got me ice cream. Mmmm. Yesterday my friend Katie took me to lunch and we got grilled turkey panini's. I'm so glad that I deal with stress by eating. And only working out twice this week. I need to stop the madness before I gain the 17 lbs back and hate myself!

I have to work midnights tonight. So that means I'll be reading blogs. It's not my fault they make me work that shit shift, it's their pay back! Good luck to me getting any sleep before I work too, because it's 90 degrees. I sat outside on lunch and smoked and my ass crack sweated. There is no need for it to be so hot, that you can't sit without sweating!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

We Interrupt This Breakdown for an update...

I miss the rain. The rain makes puddles, and one could trip, and fall face-down into a puddle and find some peace. I'm having a bad existance right now. I was doing so well with myself. Upbeat, working out, eating good, feeling good, laughing and carrying on at work, having fun at home. And as is typical with me, it takes one thing to throw me off-balance. One "crisis" can uproot my whole flow. And throw me into a hopeless, depressed state. Well, to be fair this time, it's not just one thing. It's a bunch of things having to do with my brother.

Stuff I'm forbidden to even talk about publicly. The gist of it is, my brother's got some serious issues, and I'm soley responsible for him and his well-being. And even that isn't as bad as it really is. I spent half a day looking for ways to help him, only to have the ideas shot down by everyone involved. No one wants to find help, but they sure want to tell me the help I did find, wouldn't be good enough for him. The simple problem is, he is still in the hospital. Having to go visit him. Take him food. Worry about the procedures they do. Then, when he gets out, he's staying with me. I have to learn how to clean his wound, change bandages, and hook up this vaccume to it to suck out the pus and blood. You're jealous.

Add to the stress of my brother, which is a truck-ton of bullshit, the fact that I havn't slept for days. When I do I have nightmares about me, about my family. I havn't had time to workout. for 3 days. Pile on a super-busy-shitty week at work. Then give a few dashes of your roomate not getting paid for their job. Freak out, and wonder how are you going to care for your brother, when you can barely support yourself? How can you pay the increased bills, when your roomate isn't helping, but sucking up the energy? Think about the mess you have to get your brother out of. Call yourself a fucking idiot, for trusting said-roomate. Beat yourself up, as only you can do with such precision. Let all of this soak in, and then leave the house to have your nervous breakdown. In private.

Go to work after spending time at the hospital, unpacking brother's wound machine, wash 4 more loads of his laundry, dry, fold and hang them. Steam clean your carpets, because now, the dog has also taken to not giving a shit about life and she's pissing everywhere she can. Argue with your roomate about not having the money he owes you, take a bath at 11:30 and go to bed. Toss and turn, and realize that you think you threw away your $300 earrings. Yea. Last week. I turned the house upside-down last night.

Go to work and have to re-do a project 16 times because your boss gives you the wrong info. The whole company uses said project, and no one does anything to take responsibilty for the fuck ups off of you. Then, have another manager get in your shit cus you didn't FILE A CONFERENCE CALL LOG. Seriously. This was the breaking point for the day, at 9 am, I proceeded to lose my shit at work. So, I had to tell my boss everything that's going on. She feels super bad, and said to take whatever time I need. Sure. Go ahead and have time off work, just don't expect to get paid. No thank you.

My brother needs more help than I can give him. I have a long list of things that need to be done to help him. He's not working obviously, while he is healing. He'll be relying on me. Me..who feels overwhelmed and unable to handle the task. When did two wrongs make a right? When did we start letting the blind lead the blind? Have I mentioned, that my dog is partialy blind too? Because I can't count on her to lead me anywhere. I'm not mentally stable myself. Obviously.

It's a hopeless situation. There is no possible way 1 person can fix the problems he has. Have I ever mentioned, how I don't want kids? Um, I think I have. Why? Because they are too much fucking work. Because if it's ok for my brother to live how he does, and we still love him, and bend over backwards to help him, why can't I get some handouts?

I get really sick of hearing how hard life is. People who think life is hard are fucking idiots. I have no compassion for them. All you have to do is live. How hard is living? Really? Your body does it for you. Feed me. Let me pee. I have to shit. Phew I stink. I'm tired. Oh yea, is that beathing I detect? I don't even have to remember to breathe? Damn! Life is easy. It sort of just happens.

It's what YOU make of it YOURSELF, that makes it difficult. Get a job. Go to work. Live somewhere that makes you happy. Have some fun. Surround yourself with people you like. I mean, seriously, what's hard about it? You don't make enough money, but you want to enjoy yourself sometimes, and have nice things? Get another job. Can't get another job? Get a second job. Quit complaining about what you dont have, and learn how to get it for yourself. Stop expecting other people to support you and your lack of ambition for your own life. If you dont give a shit about yourself, no one else will. I've been down. I've been out. I can certainly see how PEOPLE and CHEMICAL IMBALANCES can bring you down. But life? It's not life. Get some mental freaking help, and move on.

And that my friends, is the mood I've been in latley!

Friday, June 01, 2007

I never Said I didn't have control issues....

I'm off this weekend. I get to clean my house. And try to break into my brother's house and clean his shit-hole. He doesn't want anyone in there. For a reason. Like I said it's a shit-hole. You can't imagine the meaning of the word, and if I didn't think it would embaress him (hell, it would embaress me) I'd post pictures. But, I wont. He'd for sure make good on that childhood promise to kill me. We were real close can you tell?

He made it thru surgery. Mom called to talk to him, and mentioned that a Dr. Pervy had gone to see him in to one of the nurses. They said who? We call this guy my brother knows, Dr. Pervy because he is a Dr. and in fact, a pervert. Mom thought that was his name. For real.

So, I like my structure, to do what I want on the occassion I have a day off. I planned to clean my closets and maybe have a fire. I have to get all that shit done this weekend because my brother is going to have to stay with me a few days. I might be a super-betch because, I don't want two men's up in my crib. Messing things up. Leaving their shit all over. Eating up all my food. Of which I'm on a strict $30 a week budget. Invading my space, so I can't workout comfortably in my sportsbra. Or watch my TV. Or, be comfy on my own couch. Well, the exes couch that I stole. Same difference.

I think most people would think it's horrible of me to say that, but I don't care what most people say. I have control problems, and having two people in my house sucking up my electric while I'm steadily working two jobs pisses me off. Mostly, me not being around to tell them what to do and what not to do pisses me off. I'm a freaking mess. Wish me luck with this whole situation. The universe is testing me. Because I don't like to care for people, yet I say I want to have compassion. I figure I'll do it on my own time. I think people are mostly dumb fucks who don't try to do anything for themselves, so why should I do it for them? No one does it for me.

See why you're so glad I'm not YOUR sister? It's not that I don't want him there. It's just that it's too many people. And I'm not there. Um, like I said, controlling things.