"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Wedded Bliss..

The rehearsal, and wedding were just perfect. Topped off by spending it with the cute boy I like, who was also in the wedding. Dancing, laughing, talking. Hearing everyone say how cute we are "together" (to which I'd reply...we aren't technically "together") And my friends that were there that hadn't spent much time with him, decided they just loved him, and his infectious smile, and fun personality. Even my MOM likes him and she's the pickiest person I know.

I kinda like those things too.

Too bad he is afraid of committment. This situation is screaming with undertones of the exassholemanfriend, and his fear of letting the past go. I mean, we talk all the time about how much we like each other, how much fun we have together...but the bottom line is, he always tells me he is afraid. We talk about how we want to be exclusive, but really the only thing different than what we have now, and being a "booty call" is we spend more time together before, and after.

I'm not a part of his life. He thinks about me when we aren't together, but we aren't together an awful lot.

How long does one wait around for a scared person? Last one I waited three years for, only to be dumped mid-move in! And new guy is all about starting a family, but we're not getting any younger, and he's not getting any less afraid.

Aside from all the fun I had over the weekend it was unfortunatly overshadowed by a really shitty turn of events, where the least of my worries was that my purse was stolen practically out from under my nose at a bar. New guy ran after the douche and luckily was coming back with my purse by the time I got to the door.

The cops were waiting on him outside, apparently he had been trying this on other people at a bar next door.

All I can say is that I know everything happens for a reason, and I'll get through the BS I am dealing with and live to enjoy another day. I can't change the events, I can only accept them, and move on with my life!

Friday, September 17, 2010


Here I sit a day before being stuffed into a very fitted bridesmaid dress (after having it sized down 5 sizes. I didn't lose that much weight, they ordered it that big cus their awesome) with some sort of fake and bake sun induced rash all over my mid section.

It's spread to part of my neck, which I've satisfied not itching, by itching the rest of my body.

I suspect large amounts of vodka will make it all tolerable at the wedding.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


While discussing favorite scarey movies at work:

Me: I really like the scream trilogy

Coworker: What's that about?

Me: What? You havn't seen it?

Coworker: When did it come out?

Me: 1996

Coworker: I was nine

Me: I was married

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Weight a minute...

Happiness is...dreading going to the Dr. because you know they will make you step on the stupid scale, and finding out you GREW.

I grew a quarter inch! I have always been 5'4.5" and now I'm 5' 4.75"!!! And I didn't have to get those leg extenders like in Gattica. Maybe I'll make 5' 5".

I guess growing is as awesome same as losing weight. I guess!

When the Dr. came in, the first thing she said to me is "You maintained your weight an entire year!!! Hardly anyone does that, usually they gain some or all of it back!" So, I guess that made me feel good about not dropping another pound since my last visit.

She suggested what everyone does. Weight training. Reluctantly, I started this up again a few weeks ago. I just hate it. It hurts. I also started doing more eliptical than running. I'm ready to lose the last 30lbs once and for all. I am in very good shape, I just have more weight to lose. I have great endurance, and strength, and you would probably never guess it from looking at me.

Gawd! I'm sick of it!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Who's that knocking on my door?...

Saturday night, I was having a glass (or two) of wine, and watching some of my 25 episodes of "Who's the Boss", when there was a knock at my door. It was midnight. I live in the city. With crackheads. And ladies who wear duct tape on their mouths. And, um, shady characters. I looked out my side window and no one was in my driveway, I had been texting with new guy, but he wouldn't just show up. Plus, he'd park in the drive. No car.

Knocking again...

I left my front blinds open so clearly whoever was knocking, saw me sitting there ignoring them..drinking and smoking when they came up on my porch.

More knocking...

I snuck out of my own living room and upstairs to see if I could determine who it was from the bedroom. I didn't see a thing. I went back downstairs. I watch too many horror movies so by this time, I'm pretty scared.

Knock knock...of course, no dog barking from my attack dogs!

You would think, that at midnight, at someones house you obviously don't know, if they aren't going to answer after the first time, maybe you should just give up?

Knock knock...I had to look up the police number on google, because who has a phone book anymore? This took forever!

And by the time I found it, they had left. And I fell asleep (passed out) on the couch. The next afternoon, when I left to go tanning I noticed my sunroof was open. And my car windows were down. It had rained. My car was flooded.

I thought, what if it were just a concerned neighbor telling me I left my car open in the rain? I'm such an ass. Clearly a crackhead could've taken the valuables (CD's or cigarettes) out of my car as it was wide open.

But a single girl can never be too careful. I never open the door even in daylight, if I don't know you!

*Thats a pic of my little rescue, gooder (Magoo) desperatly waiting for me to wake up and play with him which is his new most favorite thing to do. Both wake me up at the butt crack of dawn, and playing.

Which you can watch a clip of here. I may or may not have been on the toilet for that. Don't judge.

Heres another one.

It's taken him 5 months to play!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

And Just Like That...

I'm done with my new job. When they called me they said it was for a specific project my guess was, this was to let me know what the job payed. Mind you its been about two years since I worked there, and I didn't remember. I also didn't think to ask, because I'd always made between 10-19 an hour averaged out.

I spent my first night working, typing my fingers off, almost up to my full capacity of typing speed, and I made 9 bucks in 4 hours.

This is fabulous for someone else, but not for me after working 9 hours.

It's hardly worth my time.

So, I'm cashing in my stock savings plan at work next month. I'll also get an extra 80 a month in my check as my employee account will be paid off. (no more buying jewelery boo hoo) And my friends uncle will fix my car for cost.

Maybe the second job came along to remind me how lucky I am to not HAVE to work it, and to be more thankful, and SAVE money.

I got home from working two jobs, to the lady across the street who I call "duct tape lady" cus...she wears duct tape on her mouth, obviously, begging passers by for money or cigarettes.

I also had an offer from the new guy to massage my fingers for me. He can be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll keep him.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Maybe jobs aren't like exes....

I don't know that I really have been up to anything exciting. Other than the bachelorette party for the wedding I'm in come September 18th. And, you know those are top secret. We had a lot of laughs, lots of drinks, tons of dancing, and ended the night at my new favorite place, the gay bar near my house.

The gay bar is awesome cus its swanky, they play awesome music, and you can dance with anyone on the dance floor and not get dirty looks, or drinks spilled on you. It's like a happy family. If I didn't love boys so much, I'd be gay too.

What else is super awesome in my life is that my a/c compressor is going in my stratus. While you may say good thing its winter, unfortunatly the belt that spins on that part also runs my power steering so even though a friends uncle disconnected the compressor, it still "free spins" and makes noise, and eventually it will seize up and I'll lose power steering.

This means I have to fix it. This also means, that starting tomorrow I'm working my old second job again. I'm hoping that going back to old jobs isn't bad like a stupid ex boyfriend.

pause for disgust.....

What's different this time, is I don't need the job to survive, so quitting will be much easier. I'm only working 12 hours a week vs. 30. Three days vs. five, and I'm hoping to only do it for two months. They actually called me out of the blue last week to see if I'd come back as a temp for a project. So, I took it as a sign.

Until I learn how to grow money on trees, I gotta do what I gotta do!