Exes and Oh No You Didn'ts...

Some people think that it is flattering when an ex tries to come back into your life. You think they must still love me! They realize they were wrong in letting me go!? Surely, they have seen the error of their ways and want to be in my life again!!??

Being a wise 39 years old..I think it is mainly due to the sixth sense that the opposite sex seems to have, that knows you are finally trying to move on.

Nine times out of 10, they are the ones that tell you to move on! And, after being prodded to move on and see other people, you begrudgingly seek a new relationship, and then...you know how it works. It never fails, once you start seeing someone else, the ex always comes sniffing back around.

There have been a few times that I was all too happy to try things again with a guy, and break off a possible promising new relationship.

But it was only to realize that leopards don't usually change their spots. Or, more fittingly, people don't tend to change unless they really put their heart and soul into it.

My #1 guilty relapse relationship is with ex-manfriend. We've been broken up for real for like 2 years..and I can't count the number of times I tried to make things work with this guy, or how many potentially great guys that I dated that I tossed aside to pursue what was so obviously (in retrospect) broken.

Enter in 3 months ago when I finally realized after a turn of events that I probably really did need to shut the door on exmanfriend.  I realized that in fact, I was probably holding onto something that was no longer there.

And as with most relationships gone wrong...in time I realized...despite the feelings, we just were not meant to be!

He told me to delete his number, and I blogged that if it were only that easy to forget someone. But it worked out pretty well for me. I stopped thinking about us in the future. I finally shut the door on what could have been, and I started to see things for what they were.

While he kept contacting me sporadically..I came to realize, that if he felt 1/10th about me the way I felt about him, we would be together. No questions asked, and I finally started to realize that I am the one who deserves more!

So, you know, I have been spending time now and then with a guy that I have been casually seeing, friends...but who knows where it's going, and I'm enjoying our time together..It may not be an official boyfriend, but it is just enough to get the ex radar going.

And today I was out shopping with my Mom and I got the text.

From exmanfriend.

Who told me to delete his number 3 months ago.

Simply saying Hi...and asking how I've been..And for the first time my initial reaction wasn't a pang of the heart..or wondering if this meant we could rekindle our "romance"...I was kind of ticked off because he was the one that told me to delete his number. HE thought that it would make it easy to forget about me.

But I'm grateful for what happened, because I finally realized that I in fact deserve more.

I am tired of being with guys who realize what they lost after they lose me. I want the guy who realizes what he has while he has me...and never lets me go.

I'm OK, You're Ok...

A post by a fellow blogger, got my wheels turning. I love to read inspirational posts, especially when I can so closely relate! Check out Urban Cynic! 

I've been single forever. Like, years forever. I've dated here and there, but nothing special. If I put too much thought into being single, it can be terrifying.

I take each day as it comes, and I am happy. Sincerely...happy on my own!

I spent the majority of my adult and teen life in relationships. My longest "single" stretch before now was 7 months. And that seemed like a lifetime at 25!

I was a relationship hopper, for sure! Being alone? Gasp!!!

Relationships are comfortable when you are use to being in one, and unless you pass through the uncomfortable part, you will never get to the good parts!

Relationships also require sacrifice. The longer you are on your own, and learn to embrace a single life, the easier it is to realize the things you are willing to sacrifice.

Being single, forces you to really understand who you are. Not just because you have all sorts of time to reflect on what was right, or wrong in said relationships..but more importantly, because you realize the things that truly make you "you".

The longer you are single, the more you are forced to face the idea that yes...maybe you will be alone forever. And so what? As long as you embrace the idea, you might as well start finding things to fill up your life. Plan for your future. Decide what makes you tick!

Once you give in to the idea, and start to appreciate your single life, it seems less like a "curse" and more like a "blessing".

Knowing how I prefer to live my life on my own, makes it easier to decide how another person will compliment my life, rather than "make my life".

I've never given myself the time to learn these things. In the past I thought I had it all figured out, but now I know who I am "on my own".

And even though, years back, I'd have rather been in a relationship than be single, as always, the universe gives us what we need, and not what we want.

I wouldn't trade these past few years of being single for anything. Something that seemed so scarey, turned out to be a blessing!

I have accomplished so much, because I was forced to. I had nothing else to focus on besides me, and that has been the best blessing in disguise I've ever had!

Being at Peace...

One of my favorite quotes, hung prominently in my cubicle is.."Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart". -author unknown

I am at peace.

And it was a long road to get here, but I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

When I hear people complaining about their lives, whatever it is...jobs, kids, spouses, family, finances....I really take a moment to take stock in my own life.

My life is pretty amazing, and I thank the universe for the person I am today. 

It isn't that my life is without problems, or turmoil, or issues at all. We all have money problems, stress at work, family drama, relationship BS...What I am thankful for, is the fact that thru the years despite all of my setbacks, I have taken an active interest in learning how to be less concerned with controlling the outcome of any given situation, and more concerned with controlling how I react to them.

The understanding, that if I have given my all to anything, I have done my best. And I can recognize when something is out of my hands. I can't say enough about how amazing your own well-being is, when you make this realization. 

It was not until I took an interest in believing that I was the only one in control of my happiness, that things turned around for me. I discovered inner peace, and self love. What an amazing accomplishment!


Had I not thrown caution to the wind, and just tried to live a life more in tune to the way I talk to myself and perceive things, I would have never believed it was possible to be the person that I am today.

I am calm. I am happy. I am present, because I choose to be.

Change your thoughts....change your life!! What have you got to lose?

Self Esteeem

I have kept in touch with exactly two of my exes in my whole life. One has been since we broke up back in 1999. It's been different thru the years, friends, friends with benefits, friends, we just never lost contact.


When I met exmanfriend, I changed the rules, it was 3 years of him wanting to see me, and my firm answer of no. Every few months he'd check in. and I'd say I had never been happier. I couldn't see myself without exmanfriend in my life, so the benefits are not on the horizon.

Now, said ex is getting married. For some reason his upcoming nuptuals, and my single-ness have spurred his interest in having friendly benefits with me again. "one last time" as if it is perfectly OK, because I am single.

I try to be a friend and tell him he shouldn't marry someone he doesn't think he will be happy with, and is trying so desperately to cheat on, but he thinks one last "hurrah" is going to make his lifetime of matrimony better, because, through the years, I've been there. 

But what about me? I am so not the girl that will settle for a romp with an ex just because they want to. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it anytime, with a single guy...hello, I'm a girl!

I am a firm believer in karma. What goes around, comes around.

I don't need that bad karma in my life, I have had enough bad luck in relationships!

Recently, said ex needed to buy a quick used phone from the same provider I have, and I happened to have a perfectly good phone, and the need of some fast money, so I said I'd sell it to him.

We met up for the business transaction, and I got such a great satisfaction at the fact that he couldn't believe how well I've aged, and how amazing I looked. I don't care how it may sound, it never gets old to hear an ex talk about how they messed up by letting you go because you are such a great person, and how good you look, no matter how little interest you have in them. Score one for me.


I listened to the crap about how I deserved to be happy, and how some day I will be getting married too. I couldn't help but respond with "I know what I deserve, and I will marry the man of my dreams, and when that happens, I'll never for a second think about cheating on him".

For the first time in a long time, it felt good to make decisions based on what I want, and not what I thought I deserved. I know what is coming my way, so long as I stay true to myself.

In the meantime, I'll be over here, swimming in my crystal clear karma pool, waiting for the future Mr. Me to show up, and knock my socks off!

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort


I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!


Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.


Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

I'm Still Swimming in the Dating Pond..

I was called over to a coworkers desk during a lull today. She started asking me about dating. Since I'm the only single girl in the department that is actively dating, its fun for them to keep up with my goings on.

"Have you heard from schoolfriend after breaking it off?"

No.

"What about..?"...(making a gesture to signify someone I dated..)

No.

"Have you heard anything more from that one guy you met recently?"

"No, but he did tell me to call him if I was still alive, since I had to cancel our date due to the flu, but I didn't feel like calling him back"

"What about TDH?, anything more from him?"

"No, I quit responding to his texts, because any opportunity for conversation turned into wanting to know why I didn't want to date him exclusively, no matter how many times I said it wasn't happening for me."

"Has (an ex from a gazillion years a go that has recently turned up again, along with his fiance and 3 kids....some things never change) called you again?"

"No, I told him that I have more self esteem than to stoop to screwing around with someone else's baby-daddy."

After my inquisition, I thanked coworker for reminding me of my long strand of bad dates this this past year.

Isn't this suppose to be fun? Aren't your 30's suppose to be your PRIME?

I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to find the future Mr. Me while I still have all my teeth, and the ability to hilight away any gray hairs. Before I lose my charming girl next door looks, and the ability to wear a tank with a built in bra....without a bra.

I havn't given up on love. Quite the contrary. I am actually, just a woman that knows exactly what she wants. Looking for her little tadpole in the dating pond, who knows what he wants too.

The tadpole, that wants to swim around with me in the scummy dating pond, until we decide to become frogs...together.

And besides, what I want can't be put on paper. It can't be explained. I don't even know what to say to people when they ask me.

It's a feeling....

A knowing....

A spark....

As long as I don't settle, I know that it will come into my life.

Here's to endless optimism, and a true belief in happy endings!

Bird or Statue, They Both Kinda Suck...

I heard recently, that in break ups, you are either the bird or the statue. You either do the shitting, or you are shit on. (conversations at work are just awesome!)

I broke things off with school friend. Not very easily, and with much thought, mind you. All of the reasons were feelings' based. He did nothing wrong, couldn't have been any different at all. He's an honest-to-goodness amazing guy!

But, when we weren't together, I didn't think about him much. I didn't wonder when I would see him again. My heart didn't "ping' at the thought of his phone call, or a date. While we had amazing conversations, and tons of fun together, I didn't have that longing feeling about him, that I didn't want him to go home at the end of a date. I tried to wait it out, and see if feelings developed, but as time went on, I felt more like I was leading him on, and lying to him.

Did I expect to be in love after a month? No, but I did expect to have the first stages of dating excitement about someone, and that never seemed to happen.

I know what makes my heart sing. And while he was pretty ticked that I ended things, I felt I was doing him a favor. He can find someone who will appreciate him, and that just wasn't me.

I do want to share my life with someone, wholeheartedly...but I want it to be because I am excited about it, not just because "he is the kind of guy I should be with". Or because "I don't want to be alone".

This is all a part of the dating game I guess, it's still all new to me. I know what I want, and I don't feel like I need to waste time on anything I feel is less than everything.

Some would argue that I am missing out on a good thing by having unrealistic expectations. I don't see my expectations as unrealistic. And honestly, at this point, I'd rather be alone, than to settle for less than what I know for sure, I want.

Being true to myself and my feelings, is pretty refreshing!

And just as the many times before, I have my own life, and my own interests to keep me occupied until "what happens" .....happens!

Way More Shocking than the "F" bomb...

I kinda like school friend. But then there is the fact, that  he is better at showing that he likes me. At this point, I don't know and I don't have to.

I think, I'm so not use to being the one that is cherished in a relationship that I'm cautiously optimistic in this case. And on the night in question, I actually felt myself let go a little bit more. I let myself be vulnerable. And, nothing bad happened.

The only complaint I can say I have is that I'm not head over heels for him. He makes me say "awww" a lot,  we laugh all the time, have amazing conversations, and I do think about him sometimes when we are apart.....but I don't have that loving feeling.

One particular night we were cuddled up watching wolverine, kissing during commercial breaks like kids do when their parents leave the room....because you ONLY have a few minutes! (sidenote: #1 flaw? NO TIVO! who watches commercials?)

I was giving him shit about something or other for about the 10th time that evening..... when it happened.

In a "I just love when you roll your eyes at me" ...non-chalant...said it a billion times kind of way, while we were both laughing about what I'd said......he blurted out "I just love you".

My heart stopped, and I just continued laughing and said "I love giving you shit". I wanted to get up, gather my things, and run home. But I acted like it never happened.

But it did happen.

I was sort of freaked out about it. I told "the girls" in the morning. And school friend texted me the usual "good morning sunshine" and I texted him back.

A few hours passed, and he said something was bothering him. He couldn't sleep the night before. He was stressed out about something he said that came out wrong, when he said it he "saw the look on my face". (hello, I thought I totally played it off, but I guess not.....)

I knew what he meant, and I tried to play it off by saying "I took it as a playful gesture, if that was how you professed your love for me, I'd ask for a re-do".

Instead of packing up and running for the hills, I tried to think of it in a friendly way.

And just like that, I returned to the moment. The one where I like a boy, but I'm not in love, and I can be myself with him.

I don't have to figure it all out right now. And what is meant to be, will be.

I know everything happens for a reason, and just because I don't see myself walking down the aisle with him, doesn't mean we shouldn't see where it leads.

Right?

Where there are still gentlemen..

My date was pretty nice this past weekend! We went on over an hour trek to a delicious winery. Our dinner reservation was at 6:30 so he picked me up at 4.

He brought me beautiful yellow roses. Do guys still do that? Yes....yes they do!

I don't remember the last time I got flowers, but it was probably at least as far back as 2005. I'm sorry...I did get a rose from exmanfriend's brother one night at a bar from the rose guy. Yes...his brother.

But, it made me smile that he went to the extra effort to do something like that. And, from a real florist at that, wrapped up with a bow and everything! Not even gas station flowers!!

Super sweet.

We did a wine tasting before dinner, where we got to try a list of 8 wines! Then, we did another list! You got to keep your glasses too, so now I have a nice set of four from our first date, and a slew of new wines to like!!

We were seated by the fireplace, overlooking the water, it was pretty romantic! We got a bottle of wine that I got to choose for us, and had an amazing meal, and great conversation! I got chicken, broccoli, and a side of fettucini (oh how I missed fettucini!) I did limit myself to just "tasting" the bread and oil...but it was soooo worth the taste!

It's been so long since I had any man treat me as though I am a valuable lady, that I almost didn't know how to act. I was very shy. Getting to make choices, without worrying about what he would think about it, because it was "whatever I wanted", because "you deserve to be treated this way".

Huh?!?

Choosing my next path...aka becoming an ass kicker...

All the running I've been doing solo, got me thinking about self defense. I mean, I have a can opener (old school) and a whistle, but really if someone tried to steal me, I have no idea what I'd do. 99% of my outdoor runs are done solo. What does one do?

I still can't believe its January in Ohio...I could get use to this. Especially since I am trying to keep up running thru the winter! I took the city side of the towpath this past weekend.


This is my beautiful city. Sure, we have crackheads, but we also have a nice picnic area too!



I had to stop when I, for the first time in my 36 years, traveled over a hi-way overpass. This kinda scared me to take this picture.


And, because he's handsome..Mr. Magoo

So, I joined an MMA (mixed martial arts) class. I start next Tuesday. Helllls. Yea. I'll be learning the self defense art of Muay Thai. I'm going to be so bad-ass it isn't even funny! I'm also certain this will help me develop my core strength which has been my winter goal for the upcoming beach season! I originally called about kickboxing, but this sounds way more interesting!


I've been looking for something I will enjoy doing, for weight loss maintenance, in addition to running. because I gave up boot camp for many reasons, but mostly because It's becoming monotonous.

I am so excited to not only learn how to take someone down, but learn how to not be taken down! The best part for me, is you can earn your black belt. So it's something to work towards, to keep it interesting!

As a bonus, I look forward to some male type eye candy as well...can you blame me?

The Ex..

Latley, I have been wondering when "I'm still getting over my ex" stops being what protects people from my hurting them by letting them fall for me, and then unjustly comparing every little thing to how it doesn't feel nearly as good as it did with exmanfriend....and when it becomes something that is only hurting me, by keeping people out of my heart.

Today, my Mom even said, "if you love him so much you should just be with him". As if it were all up to me. Plus, I haven't forgotten his aversion to committment, a.k.a the great heart break of 2011. I haven't.

So, I have been operating under the assumption that I will simply know when it is ok to move on. Not that I haven't tried.

Maybe my heart is just not ready to let go, even after all this time.

New Year...

It's a whole brand new year! I spent my New Years Eve far different than any other in the past.

Which was fitting, because I ended the year as a whole new me. Certainly physically, but also, mentally.

I went for a run. And, as usual, took in the beautiful scenery, appreciated my time to process my thoughts, and smiled at the deer eating on the trails. Finding the beauty in nature is something that calms me and brings me back to my center, each time. My meditation..



My menu was rotisserie chicken, a few saurkraut balls, and dawali. Washed down with pink moscato champagne. (which I hope to find throughout the year, as it is quite delicious) Far different from New Years past, where I ate whatever was available, because...it was.




I rang in the new year with my pets. I thought not having plans and being "the only single girl in the crowd" would be depressing. But that was the old me. I am my own best company. I really enjoyed cooking for myself, having my favorite drinks, watching my redbox movies, (omg, Warrior was a suprisingly touching movie!!) and not having to worry about driving. (Plus I had an 8 am appt with the internet guy to fix my DSL on NY day....)

I rang in my new year kissing my best man ever, my Mr. Magoodle.

I don't like to make "resolutions" but, I do vow to continue on my path of self improvement. Both mental, and physical. I set goals for myself every day and I often surpass them. It's way more fulfilling to me this way.

I may have suffered "the great heart break" in 2011, but as I often say, I learned so much from it, and I have set my bar high. I know how I want to feel when I am with someone again, and if not for experiencing all I did with exmanfriend, I wouldn't know it was possible to be so happy.

This girl, knows she is a prize, and she is done with settling.

"Doing Me" has turned out to be the best decision I have made this past year. Being "alone" isn't really alone when you love yourself. You find your own interests, and things you enjoy doing by yourself. The icing on the cake is having amazing friends and family to fill in the holes you sometimes need to jump over.

When I meet the future Mr. Me, he is going to be extra in love with me for getting all my little shit together, to combine with getting my big shit together. I'm not in a rush, because I have actually found my self worth in 2011. And that makes for setting your standards...way high for a partner.

I hope 2012 brings you all that you dream of. Because, everyone, deserves their dreams to be reality.

Backslide...

So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

How Communication helps...

Things are still going well with TDH. But it's kinda like he is a friend I like to make out with on occasion.

It's hard telling if I am just comparing the spark I had with exmanfriend to the lack of an instant spark with him. Sometimes I don't like to give things a chance. Sometimes I get so caught up in "meant to be" and forget just living in the moment.

I'm good at that. Mostly because the last time I was in love I got burned. Alive. At the stake. With some added fuel. While the burner pointed and laughed.

TDH is moving alot closer in a couple of weeks. It doesn't seem to excite me, I'm just not that into him I guess?


Where this goes, only time will tell. In the meantime though...I vow to enjoy dating. To stop trying to make everything fit into a perfect little box. Let myself like someone. See where things go. Let loose. If he turns out to be an asshole, not like it's something new to me, right? If it turns into more, bonus! I'm not married. I'm not yet an old haggard cat lady. I'm in the best time of my life, and I just need to go with it.

Dating Etiquette...

My third date was a charm, and I had an absolutely amazing evening with a tall, dark, and handsome man that opened doors for me, made me laugh, saved me from falling into a hole in the parking lot, and whose kisses made my heart go pitter patter. Wait, maybe that wasn't my heart?!!

It's been many months since I have been excited about someone, and I'm trying not to let that whole thing your brain does when you first like someone, take over me. But it's hard. I mean, did I mention the kissing? Because I can't stop thinking about it.

We went to dinner, and then to see a band down the road, and ended the night at one of his friends' house (whom I know thru our mutual friends also..) with a fire, where every time we were alone we were kissing and laughing like teenagers. Ahhhh, to be young again! It was so much fun, and he is so easy to be with! We stayed up until 6 am and I think its going to take me a week to recover from it, but it was worth every wink of sleep missed.

And let's not forget that I had my heart ripped out pretty severely, and danced upon repeatedly by exassholemanfriend, only 6 months ago, and only recently stopped thinking about him every day, and started realizing what a total douchebag he is, and how lucky I am that I'm not with him anymore. So I'm not in any great hurry to be coupled up, even though ultimately, its what we both want.

For now, I'm enjoying the giddy feeling inside, and the smile that I can't seem to hide. And I don't owe anyone anything besides myself. And myself says, she doesn't want to date someone else because I personally think its skeevy.

And, we are meeting for lunch this week too. A lunch date. How fun is that? It's funny how things come together when you give yourself the time to get over your past, and work on yourself. I think I like how things are going in all aspects of my life.

So, now, what do I tell this other guy I have a date with next weekend, without being an asshole? I met someone?

Can You Take Classes on Being Smooth...?

Week 16. I got by with a 2lb loss this week, which is a squeaker. I blame it on wine, specifically Moscato....and the beautiful voice it has when it calls to me to drink it during the week.

Anyway, this brings me to an even 55lb loss!

I'm averaging 3.4lbs a week. Respectable. I do however, need to start sacrificing a couple of cardio workouts and putting in more weights and toning, to fix the damage that years of being fat has done to my body. Which doesn't help my self esteem. I look great in clothes, but I don't love me naked just yet.

I'm horribly shy when it comes to boys. I caught that cute security guard turning around to check me out again today after he passed me. How's the girlfriend working out for you? I think he liked my new jeans. If I was the least bit a regular girl, I'd have the balls to ask him that myself. In the great words of that crackhead Whitney Houston.....How will I ever know if he really loves me? I'd try to phone but I'm too shy --can't speak!

I'm paralyzed by his hotness.

This past weekend I hit up chipotle. (in an effort to be a healthy cheater, I skipped the rice, cheese, sour cream, and GUACAMOLE and added extra lettuce, and salsa to my chicken bowl. I would personally suggest just not having chipotle because it wasn't nearly the same....)

While waiting to order, and pick up my food, I felt a cute boy checking me out. I caught his eye and got immediately terrified and looked away. Then, I felt him looking at me, and I told myself not to turn in that direction, act invisible.

Really? How the hell do I plan on ever meeting the future Mr. Me when I have no flirting skills at all? I mean it goes further than just strangers, I was nervous to even call my exassholemanfriend on the actual phone. I had to talk myself into it. What, the fuck is my problem?

With that said, I have a date tomorrow. It's a second date, and if I don't hear wedding bells, its the last with him. I don't have time for these shenanigans. I'm doing these horrible random dates to get use to talking to people, but I don't enjoy it. I have one for next weekend with someone else, and after that I'm on hiatus again.

Until someone excites me. I seem to be accepting dates with people I feel superior to, and don't really like. Why? I'm probably afraid of rejection.

For me to find someone that makes my heart pitter patter, I need to learn to make a first move and talk to boys that I actually like, and have an attraction to.

Universe, give me some go-go gadget mojo! Stat!

Peices of Me....

I get all sorts of messages from the dating sites. One thing I can say for losing weight, the quality of men (looks wise) has really shot up for me.

On the same note, the cute ones are just as douchy as the sorta cute ones are. Instead of trying to get right into your pants (because this is obviously what chubby girls want, right?) they try to act slick about it. But, most of us can see right through this. It isn't that I don't want someone to get in my pants, cus that would be quite nice, thank you...but I'm not giving the milk away when the cow attached to it is a pretty good catch!

I got a really great message from this one guy, who actually read my profile, which is really detailed, and totally "me", and touched on so many of our "shared interests" including buddhism, which is a bonus for me.

I thought, wow, this guy might actually warrant a response.

I went to his profile, and it was all written like.."yes, I will bring you flowers for no reason, yes we can go to the dog park when its superbowl Sunday" etc....

The first No?

"No, the animals can not sleep in bed with us"

This is where I quit reading.

Seriously?

Then my Mom's voice is in my head "you're never going to find someone that is Ok with all those animals"

Well..then I don't want him. Especially if you have a human kid. My pets are way less baggage, and if they want to keep my feet warm, I'm OK with it. I don't want human kids but I'm not opposed to the possibility, and you have a problem with a cat on the pillow?

My future Mr. Me, is going to be super cute, a fabulous kisser, hilarious, awesome in the sack, and love everything about me. Including the fact that I am compassionate for all things, including cats, and dogs!

I didn't respond.

And he sent me several other messages, about how he was waiting to get to know me, and he couldn't wait.

So I just responded...

"You wouldn't like it in my bed, I have 4 cats and a dog"

This is the part where I am not needy and desperate, and I know what I want. And I am not willing to compromise.

Not anymore. I'm done with maybe this, and maybe that, and the "some day's".

The last 3 years of my life was spent waiting for a guy to get his head out of his ass and realize what we had. He only seemed to get that, when he dumped me. Three times. And while I really miss what we had, I remind myself that if he thought what we had was what I thought we had, we'd be living happily ever after. And the fact that I keep thinking about him is more about being lonely, than about us.

The future Mr. Me is out there, and until I find him, I'm not wasting anymore time on people who are not what I want. I don't need someone for "the meantime". I'm not a dater. I'm a relationship girl. I always have been, and this is who I will always be.

In the meantime, I have my family, my friends, and my own life and interests to keep me entertained. The future Mr. Me, is going to be worth the wait... the tears.. the times I miss being held at night, and the yeeeearrrrs of mis-steps off of my path, with people who now...I wouldn't give a second look, or a second thought to... and make me thankful that I finally found what I was looking for.

The future Mr. Me is going to hold my hand, and walk down the road with me. Not let go, and run away. Not try to drag me in another direction. We will walk together. Toward what we both want. Laughing, and acting like we are 17 the entire way.

Why did it take me 35 years to get here? Well...the universe has been throwing stones at me all my life. But I ignored them.

Then, I got hit with a boulder, and now....? I'm listening.

Breaking the shell...

I'm shy. Which seems to come as a suprise to people who know me, because, duh they know me. But I have such a time talking to people I don't know, and if you are a cute boy? Fugetabout it!

I was at the dog park last weekend (where I'm 99% sure I'm going to meet my next husband, if I don't in fact, marry the security guy at work that I have the hots for) and it was like 100 degrees and there was 3 people there.

One was, a cute boy, and his cute dog, Charlie. Cute boy was like me, - following the dog around with his camera phone, and taking pictures of it. Anyone who does this in public, is destined to be mine. So I channeled my inner "mom" (my mom would talk the ear off of an ant if it sat still long enough to listen) and smiled at the boy. This was the day after buying new small clothes, and I decided to fix my hair before going to the park, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And, we began to talk. Until it was just the two of us at the park! (the other person left....) We got our dogs at the same rescue, both had previously had dogs from a pet store who lived lives of sickness. I thought, OMG we are totally getting married. I felt like I was witty when he was searching for his dogs poop to scoop, and he said all he could find was old poop, and I said "picking up old poop is good karma".... I bet later that night, he went over that line in his head when he thought about me.

I thought I handled the fact that his dog kept sticking his nose up my ass crack pretty well too, I mean, why don't you try being charming with a big dog nose in your junk! He told me he comes every weekend, and I said I do too, so I'm pretty sure his dog will sniff me out again!

I also went on a date this week. It was OK. I'm not in love or anything, and I got a free meal and drinks out of it. To me, this is all practice for when I finally grow a pair and tell hot security guy that I think he's the bees knees, and we live happily ever after.

I'm so horribly shy, so the more I talk to strangers, and force myself to go on dates, the better off the future "Mr. Me" will be when we meet!

Mr. Magoo, bringing people together since 2011.

P.S. don't look at his tinkler, he can't help it!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

“When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.” - Iyanla Vanzant>

Me? I'm getting there....