"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy 2010!...

I wish I had the patience, or the home computer to put together a nice recap of the past year in my beloved blog.

But I don't. So the best I can do is refer you to yesterday's post. And let you know that I'm still laughing about that skank, and if I had to post right now what made me laugh the most, it would be just that. And if I allowed myself to act as childish as I feel about the situation, I would post her picture.

But I'm better than that.

Oh, annnnnd second thing that made me laugh almost as much was the 34 peices of advice I got for my 34th bday from my friends. Cus those were hilarious and my friends made my day extra special!

For 2009 I broke things off with new guy. Who took it really well and is such a nice guy he said its no problem, and we can be friends. And wished me a happy new year. I'm not over exmanfriend. He understood that. I felt worse than he did. But I also felt bad being with him and thinking of someone else. It wasn't fair for either of us.

With that said, I will enjoy ringing in the new year tonight, with a very special date. Welcome new year, and new possibilities!

Be safe everyone!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire...(or, another happiness is..)

Happiness is laughing until you cry.

You know what makes you laugh until you cry. And randomly burst out giggling. And then, laugh again. And feel great about yourself?

Seeing the girl your exmanfriend was interested in on facebook...

And she looks like:

1) She forgot she's ugly
2) She forgot shes fat and has cankles for arms
3) She forgot she has boring one tone black hair (lol yay for hi/lo lights)
4) She is wearing a dumpy long dress with beach sandals
5) She forgot to comb her hair
6) She likely got beat with an ugly stick, and thats why her face looks that way
7) She forgot to stay home and not go out in public
8) She has a horrible smile, not nearly as charming as mine

This skank is also involved in a relationship. She's super classy! I think they may have operated under the "two wrongs make a right" theory. Fail.

And the #1 best thing about her is that she aint me.

And now I'm laughing again. Why do guys always downgrade? Can a guy answer that? It always seems to happen!

As stated on my facebook status today, surely..I am being punked. Because its that bad.

Then I blocked the bitch so she can't stalk me anymore.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Screwed Up..

Funny how long it takes to realize you are screwed up huh?

I had a really nice date with the new guy Saturday. Except that I can't get over that he doesnt smell right. It isnt that he stinks and I can't explain it. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night because it smells like that too. And I can't smell very well.

The whole thing just feels wrong.

He's super sweet and it's obvious that I'm not ready to move on. Silly to think it would be so easy. I have to tell him how I feel.

All I do when we are together is think of notsomuchamanfriend. So much so that I cried when I stayed the night Saturday. How awesome is that? While he snoozed away. I feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong because my heart and mind are elsewhere. And that's not his fault.

(snoozing at 11pm, mind you. )

I'm the kind of girl, that's just going out at 9, 10, 11. I like to go out and see and be seen, and mingle with people I know. One of my girlfriends that he knows before I knew her, wanted us to meet her out and he didn't wanna go. So I was like, ohhhh keeee, we'll hang out here. On a Saturday night. And he was falling asleep by 9pm. He did tell me to call her and I said "you wanna go out?" he said no....

Like I'm gonna leave after he made me dinner and everything.

It's all a big fat mess. I can't watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything, think of anything, or be sober without thinking of notsomuchamanfriend. I guess i can't be drunk either and not think about him, but at least that way I can sleep.

All the while he's told me that he is sorry. I can't explain how I feel. I spent years shaping myself into the person I am today. True, hard work to honor and acknowledge my needs, and my feelings so I am able to get what I want/need. To act like I don't miss notsomuchamanfriend, is not honoring myself. Or being real.

I've been shit on plenty. But I've never had this experience where I was always so happy and treated well, and then poof its gone to no fault of my own. I've been through worse, with my divorce. Way, way worse. But that's just the thing. It was worse. The relationship was crap to begin with. And getting over him, not this hard. We were together 7 years.

Me and notsomuchamanfriend...two years. But two years of happy beats out 7 years of misery any old day.

Obviously there is a lot to be said, and I can't rightfully blog my entire life. But, I talked to him for 9 hours Sunday. From 11 at night til 8 monday morning.

And it was a good, good....talk.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

New guy is makin me my favorite dinner. He called 2 make sure i like my wine chilled. He's doin a good job bein sweet 2 me! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Cry Me A River...

It's not really in my nature, to wish evil on other people, or revel in their sadness. I left all that long ago when I left the crazy 23 year old girl who was out of control, and hated herself in the past.

So, no..it doesn't make me happy to hear that notsomuchamanfriend is regretful of his decision and wishes he didn't do it. But it also doesn't make me happy that he seems to not want to fix the problem. Him. He has to work thru some issues.

And I wonder why I still love him. I sent him a looooooong letter today. In it I stated that I do love him today. And tomorrow I'll feel what I'm meant to feel. I also stated that I'm unsure what he knows about me, but cant help but wonder if he knows more than he lets on and in the words of Beyonce "don't be mad cus you see that he want it" ..knows that I am with someone else.
I don't hate him. I should, by other peoples standards. But I have no place for it. I'm a very loving person, and that's part of me I'll never change. Holding grudges and hate is not a way to live. It holds you down and only hurts you. I wish that same peace for everyone!
I told him how his friends have told me that he had what they all wanted (not ME per se) and they envied him for it. I don't know many people that can say that.

If only he were regretful, and showed me....if only. But I have to push aside wishing anything, and just "be". In the moment.

"Be still and know, that I am love."

This is how I get to sleep each night. Repeating this over and over until I fall asleep so I don't have a billion thoughts about him in my head.

I believe in karma. I can't help wondering when mine will all catch up with me. I thought I found it. I thought he was it. But he was not ready for me. This is me. It's the me I love very much.
"oh juliet..when we made love you use to cry, you said youd love me like the stars above you'd love me til we die. There's a place for us, you know the movie song. When you gonna realize it's just that the timing was wrong" (Romeo and Juliet, Edwin McCain)

Timing. Maybe like a car I can get my timing belt replaced. It always seems to be off. We started on a path of enlightenment together but only I kept going.
Alot was said between us, and it's between us.

I saw new guy last night. New guy doesn't seem so keen on committment either. Nothings happened, but maybe my lesson is to learn that nobody is perfect. You have to choose the faults in others that you will be ok with.

I had fun with new guy. But, have I mentioned he's not manfriend? And the distraction is only temporary?

I think I've listened to this song 6,000 times today.
Which is the ultimate you cheated on me you sonofobitch song.

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
Made other plans
Bet you didn't think that theyd come crashing down, no
You don't have to say what you did I already know I found out from him
Now theres no chance for you and me there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it
You told me you loved me why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone
Girl I refuse you must have me confused with some other guy
Your bridges were burned now its your turn to cry
Cry me a river....

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Crack Is Wack...

This morning, a lady tapped on my window while I warmed up my car in my own driveway. She had silver duct tape on her mouth and motioned to me that she wanted my cigarette. I said "sorry last one" and rolled the window up. She removed the duct tape and said Please im desperate.

I backed out and left. I kept saying I have to go to work. Then I kept picturing the gypsy curse from "Drag Me to Hell". I don't think crack whores have gypsy demon powers though. Then I thought, what if it was Jesus testing my generosity. Then I remembered, I don't really believe in all that religion stuff. And if I thought there was a Jesus, he certainly wouldn't be asking for cigarettes. right? Your body is your temple or something? Seriously. Drugs make you a total fucking moron.

As illustrated by several of my ex boyfriends.

I msgd back and forth last night w/notsomuchamanfriend. We established a lot of things, except what he avoided was, my asking about the elephant in the room...what made him have an interest in someone else in the first place. All the breaking up may have been a mistake (duh) but what about the mistake of someone else? How bout that?

You know, ending a relationship with me for her? Remember? Hello? Cooking dinner for said skank, and not even taking me out for a drink anymore cus you had no money and I was understanding of your job-less state? Becaue you know, I love you, but she gets dinner?

So I told him today that until hes ready to have an honest conversation about it, theres nothing else to say. I don't know that it would help. But you have to be honest, right?

The new guy finally called me last night just to chat. Which was nice. But hes not the ex. And we've been thru all of that already. I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep thinking that people tell him to call me because he knows people I know. And it seems like whenever I'm fed up with not hearing from him he'll call. We have voice communication from time to time. Imagine that. He makes me laugh.

I really dont know what I'm doing. Did I mention that at all?

So.. I drank wine. I found the yummy wine that me and notsomuchamanfriend couldn't find together after looking and looking, that we had at a restaurant w/his parents. And I drank myself asleep.

Because, why does everything have to be about him? Every song. Every TV Show. Every movie. Every store. Every word. Every-THING.

I've been trying to think away thoughts about him, but I'm reading Understanding our mind by Tich naht hahn (also recommended by said notsomuchamanfriend. Every THING.) and it says you can't do that. You have to feel everything or it will always consume you.

I hate this.

I wish he would try harder to win me back. But maybe he'll make it easier to move on by not doing so. Why wouldn't he come see me? Or I dunno...call me on the phone? Write me a letter? Sing me a song? STAND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE AND PLAY IN YOUR EYES BY PETER GABRIEL ON YOUR 80'S BOOMBOX?? (of course, he might get accosted by the crackhead lady asking for smokes..)

He needs to make an effort, and prove he is sorry and that he wants more. Otherwise he's wasting my time, and preventing me from moving on. And being selfish! And I don't need any of that.

In the meantime I made a nice meditation area at home. I put my buddha head, and candles, and my living wisdom w/the Dalai Lama study cards there, and hooked up my mp3 player w/my speakers to play meditations. I get a card out and think on it each day. And it helps me a bit, at least for a few minutes I clear my head.

This week has been patience. Yea. Imagine that.

Time. Time. Time....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Like I said they always come back 2.0...

No sooner did I get a message from my ex husband, than I got one from notsomuchamanfriend.

Friday night I went out w/a girlfriend to have cocktails. Where I had free drinks all night because some guy spilled his vodka on me. It was down my back or I may have been suspicious. But he did buy me double vodka and sodas to make up for it! Score!

Around 11 we were talking and she said I should just call new guy cus I wanted to see him. So...I did. He was at home doing nothing. Kind of bothered me that he never asked me did I have plans for the wknd. Did I want to get together? But I was tipsy I didn't care.

I went over later, had some laughs. Stayed the night. In the morning he promptly woke up around 8 am and got up and started puttering around to start the day and said he had to go shopping.

I took that as my cue and did the walk of shame to my car. He did go see if he had salt to put out first, since it had snowed. But he didn't. Guess I overstayed my welcome. I dunno. I want to be wanted and needed. Maybe I'm just impatient.

When I got in my car, I had several messages on my celly from notsomuchamanfriend. How he made a stupid decision. He ended a good relationship. He was wrong. I'm a good woman. I only loved him and he pushed me away. Everything I, and you blog readers already know but he must have just realized.

He said he loved me.

Insert the waterworks here.

Insert confusion here.

Insert anger here.

Now, moving on. I told him that ironically I had just gotten a message from my ex husband about how he was sorry he let me go too. I said that he needs to find his happiness so when he is unhappy he doesn't mistakenly blame others for it.

And, if this had maybe happened in a few months, much easier? I don't know. I've kind of been ok with our break up, because I still love him. And I knew he would realize this sooner or later. But I don't like that we've been with other people you don't forget that.

Of course, I can't go running back. And..I am not a cheater. I don't like to hurt people. New guy deserves a fair shot. Notsomuchamanfriend has made no attempt to get back with me. Maybe he was just clearing his own conscience. Who knows.

I still don't know what happened with him and his interest. But obviously things didn't work out. And I couldn't just go back to the way things were with us. If he DID want to be with me he'd have to prove it. And he'd have to make some changes. Such as, not being afraid to move forward with me. I'm not going to run back and get shit on again. I really couldn't handle it.

All I do know, is that now I am back to that horrible panicked, stressed out feeling I had the whole time we got back together. Not knowing. And I don't want to feel that way.

I hope all this closure isn't pointing to something bad happening to me. gulp.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Like I said...They always come back..

So, I get this in my facebook inbox today. As written by my EX HUSBAND of over 11 years ago. Like I said, if you wait and bide your time, they get theirs in the end! It makes me a bit smug, because I know notsomuchamanfriend will be in this boat too one day.

I swear to all that is holey, I have not had 1 guy not realize they let a good thing go. Hopefully this means one day that one will not let me go!

Msg:

now that we have grown , i dont think getting married was a mistake at all but now i see the way things and peolpe are , it was a mistake(ON MY PART )to split .i really am sorry and know that its long over , but we as people get older and i see things different ,now .am sorry for the pain and confussion i caused ,but if its any consulation the pain that you get for hurting someone is worse when it comes back 10 fold .*stay happy and high ...ya high ..need to cope with it some how .

*You will note that obviously he is still a pot head.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Good Nights...

I happen to have had a fabulous date last night. The new guy invited me over to watch a movie. When we went to pick out movies together, he put me in the truck. I think out of all the things boys should do for girls, being put in the car is one of my favorites. It makes me feel looked out for.

We had fun looking for movies, and we got two. One was a movie supposedly about baseball..with Justin Timberlake. But it kinda sucked. But we talked through the whole thing anyway. We had a really great conversation, and a lot of laughs.

He has a giant fish, that shamu splashed me, and I really got soaked and we couldn't stop laughing. He of course got me a towel and tried to dry me off. It's like 2 feet long its huge. (the fish...wink)

We watched another movie but mostly talked, and cuddled and laughed. He was sleeeepy around 12 he is an early to bed person, I usually stay up til 12/1. So I had to bid him a good night. Did I mention that he's a reallllllllllly good kisser? Eeek...

But today I am smiling thinking about what a good time we had.

And rememering that even though Cher is kinda weird..she was right, there IS life after love. I am trusting the universe knows what its doing. So far, all the turmoil I've been through has turned out for the best.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

At Least I'm Not Betty Johnson...

Well I guess when you get into a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend who is totally in love with them, and they dump her for you, you might have some sort of issues with it. Although, you should know that going into it.

I had a party Saturday. There was a girl there who was a friend of a friend, who's name was lets say, Betty. The day after the party I posted pictures and had a friend request from Betty Johnson with no picture. I saw some of my friends had friended her, and I thought it was the Betty from my party. Maybe Johnson is Betty's maiden name. So I friended her too. Betty used one of my photos from the party as her profile picture. Then one of my girlfriends said..that's not Betty so and so, you guys friended the wrong person.

And mysteriously pictures of me and notsomuchamanfriend began popping back up on facebook. Pictures I had deleted but I suspect the dickface had not yet deleted cus he is lax in that sort of thing. I had to go thru all my "photos of me" which were retagged with both of us in them, and delete them.

It ticked me off so much I msgd dickface and said if you know who this Betty Johnson is, please handle it, you know I did nothing to deserve this, I'm minding my business, and I think its best everyone does. Blah blah.

He responded that maybe my account got hacked. The new privacy thing makes it easy to do. I said its funny that only me and my CLOSE friends were targeted, and only pictures of him and I were being tagged. Someone hacks your account, they mess with all your stuff. Not pictures of you and your ex that she stole from you.

I deletedBetty Johnson before checking her profile but Kat did...turns out she went to my high school, and was from my hometown, and cleveland and is in a relationship, and had similar hangouts from my area. Betty didn't have much else on her profile. But betty knew enough about me to try to make her profile similar. Betty wasnt a hacker. She is a jealous bitch who will never be me, cus me don't date boys with girlfriends.

I mean if she has issue with him, what does she expect? A good guy doesn't do what he did. You can't expect things to be peas and carrots. And if he's dating someone that blatently immature I hope he gets all that he deserves. Which is to be miserable because he spread misery into my life for no reason at all.

He didn't get that its the skank he's seeing. I think its obvious. He said "maybe its someone we know im not trying to dig". Yea, like my new guy would go thru all that trouble, and he has no access to photos of us cus he isnt notsomuchamanfriends friend.

I just strive to live a drama free life. And I was dumped w/o reason. I am the one who should be pissed, yet I'm minding my own business, and being harassed.

I reported the bitch to facebook and blocked her, and all my friends unfriended her, but it was a lot of undue stress for me. I'm trying to live my life, pick up the peices, and move on.

It's very difficult to keep positive thoughts in my head when I keep thinking how much I hate him and now this bitch. I have to constantly turn it into a positive, and its causing my mind to go numb. I am trying. I'm a good person, and I wont let this horrible situation ruin or change me back into someone I dislike.

Eye on the prize. Karma will get them. I don't have to do a thing to help it along. Ommmmm...

Personal Hell...

Sometimes I wonder, what Hell is to other people. I took a class at work and before it started I heard a woman talking about how "everything that is going on in the world is the beginnings of the rapture, especially since Obama was elected". Seriously? I guess I respect other people's views, because I expect mine to be respected. But we were at work, and I chose to keep my trap shut. I know all about revelations. I read it during the Gulf war, and it scared the living shit out of me. It's the only part of the bible I've read in its entirety.

That is why now I read so much about buddhism. It's hopeful. Optimistic. Introspective. I think God is god to all of us. Allah, jehovah, buddha whatever you call it. And people put too much stock in titles.

Hell to me, is right now. I think we are all in hell. I don't think hell is a place. Like, our bodies die, and our souls suck into the ground into the burning pits of eternal fire, stoked by a horned, and hooved red man with a pitch fork. Who would want to believe that? And you know what? I am a good person despite not having a fear of hell. I still have morals. I've discussed this with the manfriend, the idea of hell and Santa Clause being similar. It's a tool to make you behave. To us. You better be good or Santa won't come! Don't have sex or you (might enjoy it) will go to hell!

If hell is being forced to repeat horrible things from our lives, then why do we have to go to a "place" for this to happen? Personally, I've repeated plenty of mistakes because I never fixed what was wrong with me. I was in several abusive relationships. I didn't value myself. I was miserable. So, I kept repeating the same pattern. I can apply this to a billion things in my own life. I have worked on many, and getting past them is what the buddhists describe as "enlightenment". I don't believe I am fully enlightened, but I know I am well on my way. Recognizing what I don't like about myself, and taking the steps to fix these things. The me today doesn't know the me 10 years ago. I was a complete and utter mess. I would describe me as crazy.

What is enlightenment?

"What is that state of Cosmic Consciousness, the ultimate awareness called variously - enlightenment, nirvana, satori, samadhi, self-realization, rapture, salvation, ascension, unity consciousness, voidness, and many other terms by many various religions? It is the goal of life, the ultimate destination of every individualized being. It is brought about when the individual personality ascends beyond the illusionary perception of self separateness to merge in the Universal Self from which it originated so very long ago. Spiritual evolution towards this goal takes place over ages but the final ascent of Spirit can happen in an instant of time. "

I believe that our purpose in life is to learn that we are all interdependant, and to practice compassion towards each other. Realize that there is no yin without yang. Good without bad, or love without hate. I think the lessons you learn while you are on this earth will help you in your next life. I also believe in reincarnation. And if you believe in "soul mates" and "soul groups" you can't not believe in reincarnation. There is not one without the other. I've heard so many people say they found their "soul mate" and then say that it's evil to believe in reincarnation. It's the same thing.

I believe one's incarnation is why some people have it easy, and some have it hard. We all have our own paths, and lessons to learn in each life. My life may have been hard in the past, but because of that I have learned so much. You don't learn without experience. You don't read how to live your life in a book, and have all the knowledge that you have to have.

What do you think hell is? And have you ever given it much thought? Or do you just dismiss it as a "place you go to when you aren't saved"?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Relapse...

I've had a very busy time off work. I got my old apt all cleaned out. Single handedly took down my hill of doom a floor model TV, treadmill, couch, chair, coffee tables, dresser, and a host of other crap. Plus cleaned, and lugged crap to my new apt and my moms. It was hell. Remind me of all this next time I want to move.

Especially in 2 weeks because I think it will help my relationship. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd had more time. That cocksucker can eat a dick and die. He didn't even plan on being with me and he let me move in two weeks. In retrospect, I'm happy I did.

I'm very happy in my new home though. It's so nice, and homey and so much bigger, and nicer and close to work, and I dont have to pay extra taxes. I spent my Friday at the tax dept. The latest is they are filing criminal charges against me cus I didn't file for 2007. I'm trying to work all that out by getting my w2s as I moved and cant find SHIT. Its always something.

My word of advice, dont move to canal fulton.

Saturday I had my first official party. It was a lot of fun! I did end up inviting the new guy. And he had plans to watch the fight, but he did come later =). One of my girlfriends got wasted and was hitting on him, and another married guy. And then decided to text notsomuchamanfriend.

Nice.

She then began reading said text from him out loud. I asked her to be quiet. I couldn't send her home though she was making everyone uncomfortable cus she was clearly too drunk to drive. The next day I asked her what she said to the ex, and she didnt remember but had one text that said something like...'i broke up w/her for valid reasons plus i was an asshole, shes a sweetheart why would she want me there anyway there is no way to repair the damage thats been done'

translation, im a dick that cheated on the best girl in the world. What pissed me off as I told her, is I dont want him to know about me and my life. He doesn't deserve to. I never did anything to hurt him and now I have to think he thinks I wanted him to come over. He hurt me. He doesn't get to know about me.

So i just texted him "fyi i didnt have (insert drunk friends name) text you, she knows what happened. I've moved on 2, i dont want or need a response from you just wanted that to be clear"

He responded "i didnt think you did, thanks for clearing that up"

Dick.

And, I saw pics posted over the wknd on his friends page that were taken at his house, and it was hard not to click on them to look. (facebook) But I didn't. I don't care what hes doing. It'll only hurt me more to see for myself. He can't be happy. He might think he is. For some reason its easier for guys to move on than girls. Because they never deal with things. Thus the reason he's haunted by his marriage from years ago. Sucks to be him.

I then had my date with the new guy on Sunday. I had a lot of fun, and noticed that he's super polite to people, and he did open the car door for me, which is a major plus. But a lot of the time I was distracted.

Because I didn't know if I should put my hand on him when he put his arm around me. I kept thinking about how easy it was with notsomuchamanfriend, and how happy I was. How I loved to swoon over him and flirt with him and it came so natural. I was smitten with him right from the start and he consumed my every thought. I miss that. And I don't know if its a good or bad thing I don't have that now.

I am questioning everything, because I thought I had a perfect relationship. Per-fect.

My hairdresser even wanted to cry for me. She had also never seen me so happy. After a while I made her change the subject. I'm like how many times can you go over the fact that you were completely taken by suprise and shit on? I'm trying to pick up the peices.

Break ups are so much easier when the relationship falls apart first. Being blindsided like this has really shaken me up. I spent my birthday crying most of the day. Over an asshole. And I had a nice guy take the time to wish me a happy birthday (among all my awesome friends).

I know I am better off. He was holding me back. I just wish things were different. I wish I could forget him easier like he can obviously forget me. If its meant to be this way why isnt it easier. I hate it.

And I don't want to be mean and wish bad on anyone, but I can't believe how much he hurt me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

OK..Maybe Sex in the City...

I am off work for five days. So last night I settled in with a paintbrush, which is what I do anymore. I paint my furniture white. It takes for. ev. er.

I got a text from the new guy asking what I was up to. I said I was just painting, what are you up to...

He responded he was going home from work, and coming to see me?

I told him I would like that. He asked could he bring anything. I said...wine?

He called me for directions, and the deal was made. My first company!

I had company last night. It took him 10 whole minutes to come over. We fell right back into things except they were different. We both knew that this wasn't going to be a casual deal, and that made it seem a lot closer. We talked about deeper things.

We kissed. He is a reallllllly good kisser. This is way important. Notsomuchamanfriend wasn't much for kissing. Neither was the last guy or the guy before that. Anyway he said kissing leads to other things, and he didn't come over for that. I told him I think we get a pass since we've been there before. Maybe I'm a bad influence? Maybe I know what I like.

We had a nice talk, a lot of laughs, and he asked me my favorite food. He's gonna make me chicken parmesean. Yum! I said you bread it and everything? Yes. He likes to cook. Aaaand he has a garden. I thought that was pretty cute.

I kept him up really late he had to work in the morning. He said he was a little tired today, but I said if its any consellation I slept really good. He was happy to have fixed my sleeping problem. I asked if I could get a prescription, and he said he would hook me up. I said I must be a lucky girl then.

It felt good to spend time with him. It's not like a stranger, and when we were talking, we knew a lot of the same people we were talking about. He remembers meeting my brother at a party, I went to school with some of his friends, he is friends w/my friends fiance, and another friends ex husband.

I think the universe works in mysterious ways. And we weren't ready for more when we were together in the past. And now that we are, the universe made way for us to be together. I'm gonna take it day by day but so far, I like it!

And, I have not even tried to dig for info on notsomuchamanfriend. Because I don't give a shit. I really dont. I think he is stupid that he let me go but as it turns out, it seems like it was to make way for bigger (yea, that too) and better things!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

No Sex in the City...

When I moved in there were some annoying kids from across the street wanting to help. Then wanting to sell me old broken box fans. Ghetto.

I don't like kids. Especially, annoying kids. I got home from work Monday night, and they were out on their porch instantly, I saw them in the rear view mirror. Ugh, I thought, leave me alone!

I went up front to get my trash can, and they were like "hey, hey, hey hi, hey" and I just waved.

"wanna see my new cap gun?"

"no" I replied

This is when the kid pointed a gun in the air and pop pop pop yes, it was a cap gun and he didn't point it at me...but I can see I'm going to have to call the cops on these kids some day.

Last night, I pull in and they are outside on the porch. I know they were waiting to talk to me. I sat in the car and messed around with my bags until they went inside, when I then proceeded to go in my back door to avoid contact.

Reason 567,893,091 not to have kids. You may resent them, and they will turn into hoooligans who terrorize the neighbors.

Other than that I'm happy at home. I am content there. I'm almost all unpacked, and I have to deal with my other apartment now. Which I am not happy about.

The new place is starting to feel like home. I'm sleeping in my bed, sleeping soundly, and get to work in less than 15 minutes.

Now....to stop drinking wine every night so I can sleep. Oh didn't I mention that part?

After much distress I friended new guy on facebook yesterday. And now he accepted. EEEK. Do I sound like I'm 17 or what?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

New is Hard..

I chatted with the new guy a bit last night. We were talking about the past, and he asked if I ever thought about it. I said yes I have, and he said he did too, but thats not all he wants "this time". I said its good to know, because I'm past that phase in my life, but I have no regrets. =)

Then he said he's excited for the game Sunday he's never been to a hockey game. And you know my neighbor was like, "We'll have to leave you two alone after" aaack. Alone!? I mean I feel at ease when we talk, so why am I so worried?

The physical part was easy. This relationship stuff, is the hard part. I can see why guys are the way they are to some extent.

It brings up a whole new set of questions. Because, obviously, we've been together before. Do you jump back in? Or wait? Or what???? It's different when you don't know what you are missing by holding out. But then I also don't want to jump right into something because i'm freshly out of a break up. I don't want it to be a rebound. We hooked up in like 2006. And it lasted almost a year.

But do rebounds apply when you already know the person? Why do girls over analyze everything so much?

What do I wear?

I'm also glad I moved. No more memories of notsomuchamanfriend in the new place. That also helps with forgetting him. It kinda scares me how easily things are flowing for me.

The universe may be paying me back for all my good deeds! Wish me luck!

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Beat goes On...

Darndest thing. I'm ok. Like I said I'm sad and I have my moments. So when I have my moments, I replace that with, "he's a miserable motherfucker, and it's his loss" and I move on! I don't want to be with someone who can't move forward with me. I've done a lot of work on myself. I'm not letting someone ruin my future because of their past.

I've been fighting contacting new guy after setting a date. (really, its a group date, he's friends with my old neighbors and we are all going to the game together as I have 4 tix) He hasn't had a relationship in years. He hasn't been ready. Some people, take time to be ready. Unlike notsomuchamanfriend (thx Damsel for that name lol) So, I am trying not to push my relationship ready self into it right away. It would be easy to slip right into something again.

And, it paid off, he sent me a message last night to say goodnight, and wish me a happy monday. So...he's obviously been thinking of me too. =)

I stopped seeing him back in the day because I started to like him. And at the time we had an understanding. The understanding was we didn't want anything more, and we were both OK with that. He said I never told him I wanted more. Which I didn't. Very shortly after I met notsomuchamanfriend, and I told new guy that I've met someone. And that I'm in love. Because though he contacted me from time to time throughout the two years.....

I'm not a cheater.

But, everything happens for a reason...we'll see what that is.

I hung w/my old neighbors Friday. Turns out, the male counterpart told new guy that me and notsomuchamanfriend had broken up. So it wasn't exactly coincidental that he called me that night. He said he always thought we'd be good together. Another of my girlfriends said that too. Time will tell. I mean, I do like him and he makes me laugh...

Saturday I got CABLE, and I have CABLE in my bedroom! Yay! I also had my washer hooked up and I got a ton of stuff unpacked. I'm moving right along. Still have stuff at the old place I've been getting it little by little. And painting all my furniture white to match the new place.

I slept in my own bed. Forever, I had to sleep on the couch cus I missed sleeping with that asshole. I only slept in my bed w/him. Which I cannot say the same for him.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Clear Conscience...

I am OK. I know this, because I'm confident in my efforts in this relationship. I gave everything I had. I treated him like gold. I supported, complimented, loved, craved, and valued everything about him. All the time. I never disrespected him. I never put him down. Didn't control him. I never made him feel like any decisions he made were wrong. I'm almost always upbeat and happy, and the one to make you laugh when you have a bad day.

I'm the perfect girlfriend. Seriously.

I was 100% myself with him. I never waivered from who I am. I trusted him completely. I let him have his own life, and was always there when he asked me to be.

Trying it again to me meant trying. So I tried. I did everything I could to make it work. Who else moves in two weeks? And makes all the effort to save something? I didn't want any doubts. No room for question. So I tried.

I cry now and then. But mostly, I'm ok. I cry because I hurt, and I miss him and things we did. And the cute things we said to each other. And when I see old people I cry because I use to see us in them. I cry and I feel my feelings and then I'm done.

I don't have those "if only I'd done this" or "I didn't give it my all" or "if only I were better". No "what if's". Nothing like the 24 hour crying bout when he dumped me, for no real reason.

The key to all of this, is that I was happy with my life when we met. I am a happy person. I know who I am, and I know what I'm worth. The fact that he met someone else or lost interest in me? Isn't my fault. I am a great person, who picks not so great people.

I'll never change me. I'll never "be a bitch" to keep a man. I'm not one, so why change. Someone will love and appreciate me for what I am. And they wont let me go, or run away scared because I'm everything they want.

I've done so much work to get where I am today, and I wont let anyone take it away from me again. Men have berated me and treated me like shit my whole life. I would get deeper and deeper into depression, and self hatred. Normally I'd have blamed myself for this falling apart. He doesnt love me whats wrong with me?

But knowing myself and doing all that work allows me to know with confidence, I love me. I am a hell of a person, and I have so much to offer. It truely is his loss, and that's not lip service. I have absolutely no doubts that he will if not now, eventually come to terms with what he lost.

And despite the outcome of this relationship, it was the happiest 2 years of my life with a man. I had never felt more loved and appreciated or important to a person in my life. I know it was real. I know what I wanted, and it was him. Of course, minus the inability to commit to me, everything was perfect. It was my first happy, loving relationship free from abuse.

And I know that he will be the one doubting his decision some day. He's the one w/questions. Why he isnt happy. Why things didnt work. What went wrong. How could it have been better. Why did I hurt her. Why can't I find "the one"? I tried to help him all the time with his "issues" but he isn't ready for change. He'll move from person to person...wondering...why am I not happy? For his sake, I hope he can one day turn that finger around on himself.

If he can get "bored" with our relationship, I feel sorry for this girl.

Well, I actually feel sorry for him. I know I'll be OK. My friends support me. They aren't behind my back telling him he is better off without me. (i cant get over that one...his friends secretly support ME. It speaks volumes about a person and their choices when their friends do that)

I'm not the best thing in the world, but I'm pretty damned special! And I'm gonna take my special ass to the next level, and be everything I am and more.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Ugly Truth...

So the real truth behind why notamanfriend dumped me....he's a stupid fucking pussy that can't decide what he wants, and is dead to me.

Did I get your attention?

We've been seeing each other you know. Sleeping together. Going places together. Ya know, back together? But lets first point out some things I've noticed over the last couple weeks.

Three days after we broke up, we went to dinner and had our talk. We're gonna work it out. I'm gonna move, and be closer to you, and we will see each other more, and I can try everything I can to make this work because I love you.

All along hes told me that he loves me, sees a future with me, we can be great together, if only the distance were shorter.....what a crock of shit.

We went back to his house that night, and I noticed a lasagna pan in the sink and I asked if he made dinner. He said he made lasagna. "For yourself?" Who does that? Nobody!

That night we had make up sex.

Two days later he invites me to his friends bday party. Three days later, an OSU party, and we spent the whole night w/his family. Meanwhile you know, things are pretty normal.

The next time I was over, I noticed he had lettuce in his refrigerator. He doesn't eat lettuce. Nor has he ever bought lettuce for me come to think of it. "Joe was over and we made sandwhiches"

Oh....ok. Saaaandwhiches.

He also got rid of my body wash and slippers. I thought well we did break up. But then, why so fast? Three days later? I still had all his crap. And he was the one saying we could work things out.

Thursday I spent thanksgiving with his family.

Friday he told me he didn't know if things w/us were going to work out. He thought we would take some time apart and have a "fresh start". A fresh start from what? As far as I'm concerned (and anyone who knows us I'm not delusional) we were the happiest couple around. We ended up having a long talk that night. And I stayed over. In bed with him you know, because we're back together. Got up early Saturday to move me.

Saturday, he stayed with me after we moved. The whole night he helped me, hooked up my TV and whatnot. Told me he loved doing those things for me. Kept saying maybe Chantix was making him depressed. Can't put his finger on why he couldn't shake this bad feeling he had. We went out for drinks.

Sunday we went to breakfast and he kind of darted off right after. He sent me a message on facebook since his phone was shut off, saying how he enjoyed helping me, sent me hugs and kisses.

I was sick Monday. He had a drug test for his new job, and I didn't hear from him until 10 when I happened to text him to see if his phone was back on. I think its a sign when someone doesn't fill you in on their life, that they don't want you to be a part of it.

Tuesday he didn't want to see me. He had to work til 10. We use to see each other at 10, 11, 12. It didn't matter. So, i told him that hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, he wanted to talk.

He tried to dump me again for all the same bullshit reasons. Only, this time distance didn't cut it. Because remember, I moved closer to him. I asked him why a friend would tell me im better off without him. One of his friends? If one of my friends said that about me I'd feel like crap. I asked him about the lasagna, and the lettuce, because as I explained, I'm a girl and we pick up on these things. I wanted to know the truth about all of that, and he owed me.

So, he came clean with it.

"I never did anything behind your back, but one of the reasons we broke up was because I have an interest in someone else"

An interest. Which all makes sense, because he kept saying he wanted a break. See how things go, and maybe get back togther. A break from what? What's wrong with us? Why do we need a fresh start?

Oh, but now you see he really wanted to see what happened with this other girl. Who, I suspect is someone we both know. Otherwise, a new girl would wonder why he isn't spending weekends with her. And if things didn't work out he wanted an open door to come back. And, when I asked who it was he wouldn't tell me. I said I would find out and he said go ahead but I'm not gong to tell you. Dead giveaway that I know the bitch.

Meanwhile, it was perfectly ok to let me get sick each day wondering what went wrong with us, rather than tell me he's just a peice of shit who is fucked in the head and doesn't know what he wants.

He's so very sorry for that. He should have stayed broken up with me and not tried to work things out. You think?

I took the liberty of letting him know that this girl too, will want to get married one day. And that he has a lot of problems he needs to deal with, that wont just go away. He kept telling me nothing happened and he doesnt know if it will even go anywhere. As if that is suppose to make it all ok.
He pretended to be so independent, yet obviously he needs someone up his ass 24/7. Maybe instead of wondering why he has no real job, or money, (hes been laid off since May btw) he should have spent all his time looking for a better job. Or a second job. Instead of another girlfriend.

Ya think?

I am smart enough to know you make yourself happy. I didn't make him unhappy. I did nothing but treat him like gold. You can't start relationships when you aren't happy. So I can say with confidence his little excursion is not going to blossom. She's not me. Plain and simple.

He knew he had another interest, when we went to dinner and decided to work things out. He failed to mention it. He knew when I decided to move. He knew when I was worried how I'd get out of my lease, or pay two rents. Sure, It kicked me in the ass to finally move...but I didn't have to move IN TWO WEEKS! Maybe it was something you think he would have mentioned out of respect for me.

He knew this, when he took me home, and had sex with me that night. Took me out with his friends who all obviously know something is going on. And when he pretended to be trying to work things out with me. He knew this when he "couldnt figure out why he couldnt let me in, and be close to me" Duh, you cant be close to someone you are cheating on! (oh he didnt cheat on me, he has an interest that may not even go anywhere but hes not sure he wants to put in the work it would take for us to make it. And he lost interest in us towards the end)

You usually lose interest in someone when you cheat on them. Also, I let him know he was an excellent actor, and I hoped his new girlfriend appreciated that trait in him.

I also let him know that someone was interested in me, but I didn't pursue anything because I'm IN LOVE WITH HIM. I can't just move on with someone else like that.

As much as it all hurts, it is a relief to know the truth. I've been cheated on so many times, it seems par for the course. I'm almost more relieved about this than its just over because I live too far away. Right now I'm in shock. And a little bit of pain. I know the rest will come on in time. But I'm suprisingly at peace with it. I've been such an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.

So, in the end..cheaters get theirs. They always do. He cant just forget about me, I know he loves me and he will try to drown all that out with another girl but it wont work. You cant move from person to person like that.

Plus, I gave him a cat. And I named her. And he will have to think about me for the next 13+ years. Fucking bastard. I never saw this coming.

So I then promptly made a date with someone who was interested in me, for my birthday in two weeks.

Touche, motherfucker. Stories over.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

One is a Lonley Number...

Well, I'm back to work after the big move. I got almost everything out of the old place. Lots to take to the curb to trash still.

As soon as the truck backed into my new driveway two kids came running over from across the street wanting to help. You may think, how nice, but for someone who doesn't love kids, I thought great! Just like stray cats if you're nice to them they wont go away. They then tried selling broken box fans to my friends. Luckily they havn't come back.

I don't feel settled, I'm still living in boxes. My first night in the apartment, my dog fell down the steps and broke a bone in her foot. Sunday night I got violently ill around 2 am and spent the next 6 hours puking and pooing, and worrying about my dog that I couldn't take to emergency since I had to pay two rents for December.

I stopped throwing up in the morning, and got my dog to the regular vet, she's got a splint on, and hopefully it works because I can't afford xrays or surgery. How depressing.

I've been super lonley in my new place. Which is weird because I'm use to being alone all the time, and nothings changed there. Maybe its not having cable and being connected to the "real world?"

I really love it, I have so much space, and my kitchen table looks so dinky in my huge dining room. I have enough stuff in my kitchen for three kitchens. My Mom helped me put stuff away and wash dishes. But I need more storage.

Have to call the landlord today because they couldn't hook up my washer/dryer, i guess some valves are missing and there isn't a plug for the washer. That's fabulous.

I don't feel fabulous physically. I'm sore from throwing up. I am however going to go home for lunch and check on my puppy. It's nice that I can do that now!

I hope to have everything at my old apartment done this weekend so I can start living life again.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Moving Forward...

I talked to my current landlord this weekend. Finally. She is letting me out of my lease 3 months early. I have to pay for December, so I'm paying 3 rents this month. Though I'll be broke, I look at it as having a vacation home. Anyone want to stay at my vacation home in Canal Fulton?



Cus, I'm not gonna be there anymore.



My Momma helped me Sunday and by the time I went to bed you would actually think I did some packing. It's coming along nicely. It's my last Tuesday at my apartment. It's sad and exciting all at once. I am hoping the move goes off w/o a hitch, one of my school friends is suppose to come with a 24 ft truck to save me hundreds on renting one. I hope hope hope this all goes as planned.

And the snow stays away.

I wont miss the driveway, the crappy electric, mushrooms growing in my downstairs, being snowed in and out of my driveway, the ditch we all slide into trying to get up the driveway, the ugly cupboards, counters, and floors and tile.

I will miss leaving my doors unlocked and not freaking out. Sleeping w/the windows open, and hanging around outside having fires, and seeing all the stars, and having a friend right next door.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Packer...

I've been packing for days. Packing blows. I'm to the point now, that you hate when you unpack your stuff, and curse at yourself for being an idiotic packer.

"who puts maxi pads in with the digital picture frame, and extra silverware?"

"Oh, theres my water pitcher, in with the sheets, of course!"

You know, the 'I am so tired of running room to room, it all goes in one box phase'. I'm there.

After I packed my crapola in boxes, I moved them all to one room. Then, I moved them all downstairs and out to the garage.

Because when I have people to help me move, its going to be a well oiled machine. I'm outta there.

Oh, I'm far from being done. But I have at least made some visible progress.

I still havnt heard from my current landlord. She can....bite me. And so can that stupid city and their stupid freaking extra taxes!!

I just realized I've lived in my current apartment my entire blogging "career!" Sniff sniff...

You can win a computer over at alexas blog. But you should give it to me for housewarming if you win.

Monday, November 16, 2009

No Time for Thinking...



I've barely had time to think. I put off moving for so long, that once I finally put my mind to it, look what happened?

I'm moving.


In um, a week! A week to pack up 5 years of stuff, consolidate, and move into my new place.

I never heard back from my current landlord.







So I am leaving. She can suck it. I was going to pay for December at my place and the new place, but Now I can save $600 bucks.

















Here are a few more pics. I am so excited and nervous and everything all wrapped up in one!!!














My new place is in West Akron. It's not in Cleveland. But it's halfway to Cleveland. If I was moving to cleveland, one of my paychecks would go to rent on a place like this. It costs more to live there.

Plus they have lake effect snow. Euw. If I move away from my familiar surroundings, it would be for the wrong reasons. I'm moving because I've been talking about moving since 2007 when I was promoted. Yes, it's closer to manfriend (if he is still my manfriend?) Yes I could move even closer to make things easier, but it wouldn't be for me. And I want to be happy with my decision, and I am.

He could move too you know. I moved cus I wanted to.

After a week of being sick to my stomach, crying, unable to eat, eating and pooping immediately, burning stomach, headaches, sweaty palms, crying, puking, did I say pooping? laughing, gurgly stomach, and not working out cus of said conditions....

I'm going to run today. It's gonna suck after a week break. But I lost 8lbs thru all this mess, and I don't want to gain it back when I start happy eating in my new apartment. lol.

Actually I can't wait to get back to normal. If that's possible. I'm tired of feeling sick.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Im Gonna Make it After All...

Boy what a difference a few days makes.





I'm moving. In December. I sign my new lease this Sunday. I am going to be a gal of the suburbs, no longer a country gal. I found a great apt for 85 more a month. Its completely redone, new furnace, hot water tank, electric, plumbing. I'll be the very first tenant! What I'll save in travel time (its 5.8 miles from work vs 27) and electric, will pretty much make up the difference in rent.



The area is a lot like Lakewood in Cleveland in that its primarily gay, not rich, but not poor. And diverse. The landlords therefore, are gay men. I really liked them. We connected, and had a great talk, and I said how much more is it for pets?


landlord: "Weeee don't really charge more for pets we'd just like to meet them once"



me: Huh?



Yea, so they are really cool. They called me to see if I wanted it still after I filled out the application and I said I was waiting to hear if I could break my lease (I thought I was month to month, when in fact its not up until March..whoops) and they said they'd waive the deposit for me. So I'd only have to pay my first months rent.





me: huh?



He said they really liked me and have a good feeling about me and think I'll make a great tenant. They want someone to treat it like their home. It's funny how things fall into place, and it all seems like it was meant to be. Its super cute, smaller than mine, but still a duplex, closer to work, everythings NEW, and its charming! Its not cookie cutter. Washer/dryer hook up but no garage. You win some you lose some.


Did I mention it has central air? I. Am. Gonna. Be. In. Heaven!


And even better news. Me and manfriend went to dinner on Wed and had a really good talk that resulted in the gist being, we had a fairweather relationship and were unable to be together for the rough times loss of job, loss of cat, car trouble etc.. cus of the distance. I would agree. So my point back was, that what we are going thru is a hard time, which will determine how we work together through problems, and in the end, thats what we are going to do.



And now, I'll be 26 miles closer.


Aint life funny?

When I called the new landlord to say i wanted to move forward he said ..."Yay!" how fun is that.

I am in fact breaking my lease. I tried to make a deal w/my landlord but she wants to put me off for a few days and get back to me. So, I'm moving regardless. Most people would just leave and not tell her, she lives in New Jersey not like shed know until the rent didn't come in the mail, and I didn't leave a forwarding address. Some people dont appreciate responsible people.

I'm moving in December. For my Birthday. Yay me! How long have I been complaining? And I have so many awesome friends who offered to help me!

Oh and BC actually asked me out on a date "in the future". geez.


















































































Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Matters of the Heart...

I think I slept a couple of hours last night. In between crying. There was a period of time when i didn't cry, and that was when someone from the past called me. This time it wasn't an asshole ex boyfriend.

It was my booty call....This was all before I met my manfriend, it went on for about a year, thats all it was and thats what we wanted at the time. I started to miss being in a relationship, and it never came up. When I met manfriend online, and we started talking, I stopped communications with the booty call. I told him I was dating someone. And then that I was in love with someone.

There were a couple of times he would text me on a sunday, and id say, im good, im still with my BF, im in love. That sort of thing. He sent me a text first, and when i told him i wasnt doing well, and he asked if it was bad, and i responded "matters of the heart" then he called me.

My own manfriend never called me.

He did happen to see us together (me and the manfriend) at a mutual friends party. And I never said hey manfriend, there is the guy I use to bang for kicks. Because thats classless. But the BC said last night that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.

They always come back, don't they? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I seem to have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men who one day decide they are stupid so they try to get back with me. I know I'm someones perfect girlfriend and wife. I have that in me. I need someone to appreciate it, not throw it all away.

I talked to BC for an hour and a half. He told me he was sorry I was going through what i was going through, and it was nice to get a males perspective on it. Which was, its a cop out on manfriend's part. If he really feels the way he says about me then he wouldn't walk away. He also said sometimes girls are more mature and we seem to have everything figured out in our heads, and guys have a hard time catching up.

Then he told me how he always thought I was a really great girl, and we had fun together, but it didn't go anywhere. I said eventually I wanted more. He told me I never told him that I did, and I never gave it a chance to go anywhere. I said we saw each other for an awful long time for it to not go anywhere.

I said if there is one thing you learn in life, its not to bring up wanting more to a man, it scares them away. I am old fashioned and always thought it was up to the guy to make those decisions. (shouldn't I have followed my own advice, and not brought up the M word to manfriend?) He said do you think theres a reason I called? I said to complicate things. Everything happens for a reason. He made me laugh. We talked about life, marriage, relationships, kids (puke), and the future. It reassured me that yes, I am in fact a great girl, and that manfriend is making a huge mistake.

BC said he just wasnt ready for a realtionship when we were hooking up, and I said I wasnt either at the time, I was fine with things the way they were. He said sometimes he can be hit with a good thing and not know it. Sometimes he has to get hit a few times. He hasnt had a relationship for a few years, because he got hurt. And said he doesn't miss what I'm going through.

I told him how I feel about manfriend, and that I'm definately not ready to hook up, or try anything else more serious. I would only transfer my emotions onto him and who would know if my feelings were real. I know what I want, and if I can't have it, I'll get over it some day. And I can move on then.

I always seem to be what every guy I date wants. But the timing is off. BC said that he is 33 and starting to think about the future, and that makes him think about me. Words I wish I could hear from the person I love.

I sent manfriend a long email. Everyone said it was good. But it laid it all out there. We're working on this or we arent. I can't have an in between. And he said he agrees we should get together and talk. And thats the plan for tonight. There is no real hope in the "we should talk" aspect.

I certainly don't want to be begging for him to take me back. But I want to honestly know if he wants this to work out. If he is not sure, he can fuck off. If he doesn't know what he wants, too bad for him. I do, and that gives me the option of finding it one day. Him? I honestly think hes going to be one of the guys that realizes he screwed up, and calls me when I'm with my new boyfriend.

And then I get a text this morning. Of course, my heart flutters at the hope it would be manfriend. It wasn't. It was the BC. He asked if I got any sleep and had good dreams. I told him no i didn't sleep very well at all, and he said he knows its rough, and to hang in there, he'll leave me alone for a while. Which, is what I need. Casual sex is a nice distraction, but it also fucks up your head big time when you have a broken heart.

There was a time when my manfriend use to ask me those things, Did I sleep well. How is my day. And now. I'm crying again. Love is grand.

I am looking at an apartment closer to work today. Hopefully two. If nothing else I need a fresh start. Too many memories at my place that I can't get over. And I need a distraction. A healthy distraction, something to focus on. I've been taking up space at work between smoke breaks a.k.a ive been useless.

The kicker...several of manfriends friends have messaged me that they think he is stupid, and one in particular told me I'm better off. I think that one sticks with me the most. Because it is almost as if he knows something I dont, and I'd like to explore that more. I want to ask manfriend about it but dont want to throw anyone under the bus in the meantime. I like to think maybe I'm better off because he doesn't know what he wants. Not because he did anything to hurt me behind my back.

But honestly that would make more sense than the reasons he gave me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Remember when I said "i want to find my someone I can't live without?"

Maybe I wish I didn't get what I asked for. Cus living without someone you cant live without hurts.


I am confused. I'm tired of crying. I don't know how someone can talk to you about love and wanting to be together. But not know how to work through the issue we have. Together.

He's gone back and forth, and the truth is I need to decide what I want. Do I want to hold on to a glimmer of hope that he will want me? Wait, he wants to be with me and sees a future for us but he cant be with me cus we aren't together enough.

Its hard to get past this. I know he made a mistake and he will realize it one day but that doesnt stop the hurt.

I want to move so much to forget the memories we made there. I cant go on hoping, I told him we are going to work it out, or we're not. No in between with me. I can't take a break and start fresh.

I can't be away from the person who feels like my heart.

I think its stupid.

And selfish.

And undeniably painful. The problem with having such a deep love is the deep pain. I was never ever as happy as I was with him. And he sure fooled me.

There is something more to it. You don't leave what we had for a reason that can be fixed. We don't want to chang each other. It's geographical.

Unless you are completely stupid.

I think its not you its me, is the oldest one in the book. And I wasn't born yesterday.

If there is more, I would love to know. Getting thru this would be so much easier.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Broken...

And just like that I lost the greatest love of my life. Maybe I would have expected this if I had ever given an ultimatum. I was patient. Understanding. I knew from the get go he had problems from the past he needed to deal with. I was willing to wait.

He didn't want to hurt me. So instead he ripped out my heart. Don't we know how painless that is?

You don't find a love like we had every day. Even sobbing, I can't think of one thing to hate about him, except for the fact that he is a coward, and took the easy way out. We were always happy. Always laughing. Happy just snuggling on the couch. The way I felt in his arms was indescribable.

I have asked the question before, do you end a perfect relationship because he isn't sure about the future? He would tell me he saw us together. I am everything he wants. He told me today I am so good to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He told me he is holding me back. He needs to deal with his past hurts. I guess he can't do that with me. He said he wishes there was something else we could do, besides end it. Well there is but he wont live with me. He told me he needs an in between. When I'm sick he wants to come over and take care of me, but living far apart stops that from happening. He thinks it would help him move forward with me.

But in the same breath, it wasn't even given as an option. No chance. Obviously hes wanted to do this for a long time. It was hard for us. We cried. We sobbed. And eventually, he gathered everything he had at my house, and walked away. Out of my life. The best two years of my life have come to an end.

I have been crying for almost 12 hours. My mom gave me xanax and a nerve pill so I stopped for a while. I think he is afraid to be happy. He told me that he would say to himself that I was everything he wanted, and asked himself what is wrong with him that he cant move forward. Is it him or is it me?

You could ask anyone who knew us, they were all shocked. I really saw myself married to him. Rocking on the porch with him. Still chasing him around in a walker trying to pinch his buns. The truth is, my saying I wanted to marry him scared him. But I guess if he is too afraid to be happy he deserves whatever miserable box he puts himself into.

It makes no sense, and I really am starting to think there is someone else. You dont throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared. I was the girl I always wanted to be with him. I felt so loved. And loved so much. I gave freely of myself. I loved doing things for him and taking care of him. I trusted him completely, and never held him back from having his own life.

I supported all his decisions and always had his back. We were the two cutest people I've ever known. And I will miss that. I hurt. I miss him with every ounce of my body. I cant wait to run out of tears.

I was blindsided.

I'm confused.

But worst of all I'll never fall asleep in his arms again and wake up being so happy. I'm holding on to hope that he will wise up and come back. But I wish I wasn't. It's making this so hard. I sent him a message and his response was that he wished that it didn't have to end that way and that we could have come to a solution. Hes happy he learned to love again.

It sounds like all I was to him was a big fat lesson. And as I said before, he will learn from this and move on with the next girl that comes along.

With what I had. I just want to die.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Green...


My new favorite thing is avocados

.

When I get a favorite thing, I pretty much am all about that thing until I find a new thing. .

I eat like one a day. Which is awesome cus I am always short like 500 calories a day and its a healthy way to make it up. .

I eat them cut up in salad. .

I eat them with a spoon. .

I eat them smeared on tortilla wraps with turkey and lettuce. .

I cut them up in chunks and eat them that way too. .

I have been hella busy on accounta I'm doing my job, cross training my entire dept, and filling in for one of the bigger than the wigs I work for's secretaries. .

I have to use my brain and stuff. That's hard. And I've been fighting off a cold. Me and the manfriend spent friday kicking it at a crazy cool party. .

Saturday we stayed in our PJ's, got cold medicines, made hot totties, and watched scarey movies from sunup to sundown. And ate pizza. (we had the best pizza, it was double crust.....omg..) And pretty much did the same on Sunday too. I'm a lot better. .

My manfriend is worse. I told him he needs to eat greens. He doesn't eat fruits or veggies. I need to find a way to sneak them into his foods. .

.

.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Clear. Crystal.

What if I drink water all day (64 oz the recommended amount) and then have at least 32 more oz at home each night, and my pee is still stinky?

Dr. Oz said you drink enough water when your pee is clear. It use to be clear forever. Then bam for a months now its been yellow again.

I know there are bigger problems in the world, but you can die of water intoxication, and how much is enough?

I sweat. A lot. When I work out. But I always work out. Nothing new.

I'm not eating anything different than i always have, I always eat the same, boring food every boring day.

I am starting to think somethings wrong with me.

I was quite proud of my clear pee.

Does that make me weird?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

If I had a million dollars...

On Oprah yesterday I learned two things. One, I am right to say that I'll win the lottery one day. Because that's positive thinking, and the winners on the show did just that.

Two, how to make million dollar double delight peanut butter cookies. They are on the oprah website. I'm making them for my work party tomorrow. I vow not to eat them all.

I vow to remember that I do not workout 2 hours a day to eat a dozen cookies.

I workout so I can watch TV.

I jacked up my template taking out some sidebar things. There was a time when I could have recoded the whole thing. Now I don't much care.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Over You, get over me...

So like, a few Saturday's ago, my phone rang at 8 am. Who calls me at 8am on a Saturday? I dunno, I answered it. Suprise, it was my ex BF. Z.

Now, he's called me plenty over the years. I told him a bazillion times that I'm happy now. For a long time I just ignored the calls. Always caller id blocked.

Last time I talked to him, he wanted me to write a letter to the prosecutor to get his felony esponged (sp?). "I paid my dues" His felonly? Breaking and entering into my house while I slept, waking me up, and terrorizing me.

Maybe he didn't attempt to murder me. But he did hold me against my will, and threaten to kill me, and push me around for a couple of hours.

Since then he has called a lot. Left me msgs telling me to answer the phone. And called some more.

I was caught off guard, when he said he just called this time....to see if I'm married.

Are you married?

I asked. Why do you care if I am? I am very happy now.

As if he wants to demean my happiness, because I'm not married yet. It pissed me off. He wanted to let me know that he is finally having his felony esponged from his record.

"good for you. "

"It is good for me, you know i have been unable to get a real job because of that."

I think he was unable to get a real job because he lacks any non manual labored skill. And he's a drug addict, but whatever.

He wanted to act like what he did wasn't wrong. I reminded him that he broke in my house, and hurt me. He seems to remember it very differently. But the grand jury didn't.

Even though, I may have changed my story, as most abused women do, so he wouldn't go to jail, the state still found him guilty.

And he still calls me.

At first after we broke up I liked it that he called me. It felt good that he thought he messed up with letting me go. I talked to him for a lot of years. I even saw him "casually" a few times.

Of course he messed up, he didn't even deserve me in the first place. I am not that same girl.

I've so moved on. I love me now. I didn't then.

Some good news is that this weekend, that man and woman I mentioned may have come to an agreement. By agreement, I mean that the man also said he would marry the woman....

(They are not engaged.....)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yea, I still workout....

I havn't complained latley about working out. I'm still doing it. Every day. Five days a week. I joined that spark people website, which is hella fun. You track your nutrition, and your fitness. Set goals, and it will tell you, woa you have burned too many calories for you diet eat more. It gives you bar graphs and food reports, to show your progress.

Tells you that you have run 92 miles in the last month. (yayyyy)

Or, you need to eat more carbs. Yes, I had to eat more carbs! Awesome!

But then its frustrating too, because I have to increase my calories to accomodate my workouts, which seems easy. But you need 500 more calories, what do you eat? Well sometimes I'll eat a block of cheese. (embaressed grin....)

Or you can workout less. If I cut my workouts, I can only eat 1200 calories a day. Who wants to do that? Thats only 400 calories a meal! Good luck! I eat a salad with cheese, light italian, and turkey meatballs, and thats 400 calories. I'm not eating less, thank you.

I need more fat, so i started eating avocados. I start to love them. Guess what? They are hella fattening. It's seriously a job to balance everything. I don't understand why either. I guess the first 70lbs was kinda easy considering I didn't really try other than working out. Now its like my second job.

I run 4 miles a day on my lunch break. To me its running, it's a 12 minute mile averaged over 50 minutes.

After work I do a half hour sometimes thats 3 miles of running, sometimes its a half hour on the eliptical, or stationary bike.

Then I do a half hour of abs/weights. Since I've been doing the abs/weights over the last month, I've gained weight. Of course one would say this is muscle. I don't care what it is. I don't like it.

Last week I did the double workout only twice because I have been burning double the calories I need to burn to lose weight.

I need to hire a personal trainer. I need Bob or Jillian. Fo realz.

Good news! My manfriend got a new job at a really important hospital around here that I wont mention but if your from here you know what it is. It's pretty exciting for him, and I'm really happy because its a foot in the door, and something he really wants!

Then I'm sad for me cus its all kinds of weird hours, and every other weekend, and we dont see each other much as it is, and I feel awful for mentioning it, but its true.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Halloween Party....


Theres me in my fabulous paper doll costume. I made it myself. As if it looks difficult, but still. I did.
















My manfriend was a priest with an inflatable stiffie. The inflator was this testies. He liked putting it in my drink. Boys.




















I made manfriends cat, Mojo an afro, and I think she looks pretty bad-ass!






About 99% of the party threw up, or got hurt, or doesn't remember the night. We finished a keg. But still, whats up with that?

I'm happy to say that I neither vomited nor got hurt. Score for me!


























Friday, October 23, 2009

Halloweener...

Tonight, I'm going to Scare Creek with some girlfriends. Where there is two haunted houses, hayride, and forest, followed by a bonfire. Muh ah ah ah ah. Luckily some of them will be nurses in case my heart stops beating. Just kidding. I don't get scared scared. I get startled scared, but I'm at the point where I know its not a monster.

I mean, I'm 33. Should I even be going to this event? Hells yea, cus its gonna be so much fun!

It better stop raining.

Did I mention I saw Paranormal Activity a couple wks ago? I drove allllll the way to independence (kind of a haul) to see it, and it kinda sucked. It was a really good red box $1 rental! Saw 6 will not disappoint me!

Tomorrow is manfriends halloween party. Where I'm going to dress up like a paper doll, have the most original costume, and have some cocktails.

Manfriend is going to be a priest with a stiffy. Go figure. There's a reason I love that boy. And its not about religion. Oh I guess its not about stiffy's either. But thats a bonus!

Im making buffalo chicken dip that I had at a party once and is now my favorite thing. It has cheese, cream cheese, ranch dressing, canned chicken, and red hot, all melted up in the crock pot. It's quite delicious.

I'll have to blog about how my ex bf called me last wknd. I swear its been over for almost 10 years.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Truth or Fiction...

Man: where do you see our relationship going?

Woman: I want to marry you, not tomorrow but in the future.

Subject is changed to something like, being in love, and liking to hang out with each other or something similar.

If this were true would it be a bad thing?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not so Glowing Review...

Yesterday I gave annoying coworker her review. In said review, I made mention of something I had verbally counseled her on back in May. She was rude to the mail room and asked for her own mail box because she thought she was important or something. She gets confidential bonus information. What. Ever.

The supervisor called me. I talked to annoying coworker, she apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I keep a "performance log" on each person, its very detailed. I use this for reviews. So I don't forget what happens. So if someone denies something, I have proof.

So when I come to that part on her review she says "that didn't happen". I said "annoying coworker, it did happen, we talked about it, and you apologized, I documented that conversation"

She came up with a totally different story. And wrote it on her review. She's delusional. Seriously.

She got a lower score than her last supervisor gave her. She got almost the lowest score on all her "interpersonal skills" areas. My boss's boss has to sign off on them. He signed and returned it to me with this note:

"I'm really suprised the score was so high w/the counselings and other issues I would have given her a "1" in (notes interpersonal skills sections) This was a gift."

Yea the boss's boss doesn't like you. You're in trouble.

Her score was in the middle section of the scale. I mean she does a great job, she just has no personal skills. The rest made up for her mediocre score.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

ups...

I had a great time this weekend. Last Friday I had a much needed girls night. I met my friends at All Fired Up, a pottery place, to make spoooooky halloween plates, and drink wine. Then we went to have cocktails at the bar nearby, and some laughs.

And left to another bar, and had more laughs. Two of my girlfriends had never heard shewolf by shakira. What is their problems? I really enjoyed my cherry vodka and club sodas at the Firehouse cus they gave me cherries in my drink. Life is a bowl of cherries you know.

Saturday I picked up my new glasses, which made me feel woooozie cus its a totally new script. I went shopping with my Mom and her sisters, had dinner with them all, and backed into a telephone pole like a total asshole. I didnt see it even after I hit it. At first I thought....."omg I hit someone, and they are dead".

You cant even on my super car. Dodge. Like a rock. Wait, is that ford? I dunno....

That night I went to see my cute manfriend. When I'm with him it doesnt seem to bother me that we have no future. We went to a nerd convention at a hotel, and one of his friends in a nerd group called "barfleet" (yes, after starfleet from star trek...) had a party. It was a lot of fun but I'd catch myself laughing as I looked around at all the costumed people and thought....this isn't a halloween party.

They enjoy dressing up. Its their thing. It was a Live Action Role Playing thing. Did I mention there was free liquer, and dancing? Yea, um, dancing.

So, the manfriend and I have talked about "us" many times and he says stuff like "if we lived together....." and "im not ready and i cant say when i will be" " i see a future with you but im not ready now" and refers to us being old and grey together.

But its all talk. I understand being burned, but havn't we all? I dont like having conversations where nothing changes and to be honest, I'm afraid to end an amazing relationship because we may just want different things. I've never done that. Ive had shitty relationships that ended cus they were shitty.

Obviously, I'm dating a commitment phobe. I was with my ex husband for 7 years. He did a lot of crappy things to me, and we were volatile at the end. But I don't punish manfriend for it. Its in the past. I'm still paying for what his past has done to him. That's not fair.

I love him and hes good to me, and the fact that I want something he says he isnt ready for....scares me. So I keep stalling. I don't want to push him away. But seriously, after two years, I think you know where it is going. And we have had an amazing two years, it isn't like it's been questionable.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Rain and Snow...

When I get down in the dumper I think about things like how you date someone forever, and they don't want to commit to you ie; live together or discuss marriage, and then they dump you and move in with ..another girl.

Or how you're married and your husband says I just dont love you anymore. And has knocked up another girl. Or how he says "marriage isnt for me" ...and then gets married. To another girl.

As was my facebook status today, when a guy doesn't want to get married, he just doesn't want to marry you.....

It may have happened to me a time or two.

I don't know if I'm projecting or what, but I have a feeling this is going to happen to me again.

Nothing has happened and I'm fabulously happy. As long as I'm happy living apart from the man I love indefinately.

And don't want to get married one day. Perhaps forever. Which I do want.

And as long as it doesn't matter to me that when people ask about our future in front of me he shrugs and says eeeehhhhh.....i dunno.....

I'm ususally a strong unflappable person, but I do have needs, and wants, and from time to time if you read me you'll know this gets to me. There's a reason it keeps coming up.

And...then you blow off your second workout for the day to go home and cry.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Another One Down....

Another swine flu case in the dept. I sat with this person yesterday. I have a headache today thats how it starts.

Only I'm not getting it. I have way too much to do in October. And I live alone. I'll die alone. Who will want to come bring me fluids when I'm contageious. Who will feed my animals. And bathe my stinky dog. And make her take her pills. And clean my catboxes.

Bleh.

Last time I was deathly ill, I peed myself. And I didn't care. I had no one to make me change cus I stank. Luckily My friend Beth got my scripts for me, and Kat took me to the urgent care. Or I very well may have been cat food.

Speaking of sick, I went to the eye dr. yesterday. My insurance pretty much blowed...it covered a whopping $110, for glasses and/or contacts, and I had to pay $10 for the exam. Glasses, which were only $99 frames, cost me 200 something, so I still had to pay over $100 for my appointment.

I pay more than that for my insurance. Then, they changed one of my eyes, ive always had the same vision in both, so im able to get 1 box of contacts and save money. Nope, now I have one slightly different.

I'm glad I have insurance, but it's cheaper to go to walmart w/o insurance.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Saturday was a beautiful day! A perfect day for canoeing!

A lot of people bailed because they all suck and dont know how to have a good time, but that's their bad.

We ended up only going with manfriend's high school friend and her husband. And the party ensued thereafter around 7.

We were up until 6 in the morning. You know I'm going to be paying for that for the next week.

I get to go to the eye dr today and finally get new contacts its only been forever I've had one pair left.

And my glasses blow.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Sofa King...




I'm back to work and fabulous. Not in that order thought. I had a great time in Columbus with my manfriend. Who at like 6:00 realized the wedding was not at 4:30 but at 12, so driving to columbus in our wedding clothes wasn't an option. We pulled together a hotel, got to my house, fed the kids, and settled in our hotel by around 11:30 Saturday. Not too shabby.





The wedding was outside Sunday. Freezing cold. On the water. Isn't that picture pretty? It is if you like the city. I guess. Oh, but they had their dog at the wedding w/a bowtie on. CUTE! And it was vegan. Which I liked, but manfriend is a meat eater. So the cabbage peirogis werent his favorite. I think he ate two potato ones. We had wine instead.



And then ate at the bar afterwards.



On my agenda was to clean my garage, and I took cushions off my couch out there thats been there like 5 years. And, there was a mouse nest! Eeeeek! So I screamed and went inside. My mom came the next day to help me drag it out to the curb. We got a lot accomplished too.



I'm all kinds of excited to be back at work. My annoying coworker annoyed another department in my absence. I already talked to her about it once. While meeting with my boss and bosses boss today, bosses boss said "coworker is not pleasant to interact with, I asked her how she was in the hall yesterday and she growled at me....she actually made that noise"



It doesn't suprise me. She's a mental case. She makes weird noises. I said "oh she didn't feel well yesterday, that's how she expresses herself"



And I have to manage that betch!



P.S. on my spark people site, it told me to increase my calories by 500. I'm spose to eat a MININUM of 1700 calories to support my workouts. I think I might just work out less. That's too much food. I am tempted to fill that 500 with a ding dong or something.



I got to spend 4 nights with my manfriend, which was pretty much a slice of heaven. And I get to see him tomorrow, where I'm having a party.



my landlord said im a good tenant and not to worry about paying the penalty money! Yessss

Friday, October 02, 2009

Outtie!...

I'm off work for 3 days! That's exciting to me. Five total, but you know!



In the tradition of taking vacation I had to do double the work all week in preparation for leaving, and will have double the work when I get back. grrrr...



I'm going to Columbus to a wedding on Sunday with the manfriend. (who gets married on a sunday?) We may stay two nights, we may not.



Manfriends birthday is Tuesday, and like everyone else he gets a gift from work, which means its either precious metal or precious stone! Its cheaper for me cus I don't have to pay interest. And I get a discount. Cha ching!



You know its been 455 days since I took vacation? That's almost un American!



Oh i had to email my landlord and tell her how I can't pay my rent until next friday....Its only my second time being late. But I hate it!

I lost half a pound this week since joining spark people. Although I had two people comment that I look like I lost weight, randomly. Who knows. I have been working out twice a day for weeks now, somethings gotta give!

I'm going to play beer pong with my manfriend tonight. And meet his friends new fling. You know I don't like having to get to know new significant others. I kinda liked the old one. Hmf.




Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Addictions....

My latest most fascinating addiction is to this website:

Spark People

It's a free sight for tracking weight loss. You go there, and make a profile, and it keeps your food diary. You can search for your food you eat online on the site, or you can add your own.

I've been adding my own so I know the brand-specific things I use, are on there. You add all the nutritional content in yourself if you add your own.

Then you enter a start, and end date, and your weight loss goal. For instance, I want to lose 30lbs by April. So it told me to do that, I have to burn 384 calories a day, and consume 1400 calories a day.

BTW I burn on average 1,000 calories a day. I think thats why I get to eat 1400 calories.

It will also track your measurements for you. But I havn't measured myself.

It's pretty bad-ass, and I'm way excited that this will get me out of my slump!