"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, November 30, 2007

Slumlord. Part 2...

I swear. You would think I live in the ghetto. I lost my power last night. Of course the first thought is....my bill's overdue, they shut my shit off! I work two jobs. Yet, am afraid my powers shut off? Is this sad or what? No one else lost power. I saw lights at the neighbors. But most people are asleep at 12:45 am.

It started Monday, when I had a space heater on, and I was drying my hair and flipped my power out in two rooms. Nice. I made my way to the garage and flipped the breaker. All by my lonesome. (I rock!) Poof, power's back!

Then, on Wednesday the neighbor called to tell me the whole building was without power. Nice. My lights had all been flickering off and on for a few days. Electric company came out, problem solved. Last night, about 12, I'm drying my hair, and the power goes out. All of it. I flipped the breakers. Nothing. After crawling around in the dark on all fours. Seriously, to find a small pen light I was playing with the cats with..I called the power company who took about an hour and a half to call me back. Meanwhile I envision my freezing to death with no heat. And wonder, how my brother can stand it, when he doesn't even have windows to close at his house.

They talk me through going OUTSIDE in the sub-zero weather, to flip my main breaker. It was kinda hard to do because the thing looks bout 80 years old. Neighbor said her power was half out last night, and the heat was off.

So, yea. The landlord moved to NC, and pretty much abandoned us. Remember when the power to my dryer plug went out? And she had some ghetto-ass electrician come and do this?

So, let's see if the landlord has our electric fixed. Just like she has our driveway plowed in the winter. Then the time I almost lost my car? I can hardly wait. Maybe this is more reason for me to move. I've been looking, but havn't found anything I can afford. And if I can afford it, there's NO PETS allowed. Bite me.

And another thing. I didn't get paid from the second job, in my bank account. They made me sign up for direct deposit 3 weeks ago. And I had a check last night...and no one told me. Fucking assholes! I hate that place!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Vibrations...

Ok, ok, so I might be a little crazy. The man and I had a great conversation last night about CP. And it wasn't the type where he was downing him, or telling me what to do, it was a real live conversation about what I could take away from the situation, and what I could ignore. I swear, that boy never ceases to amaze me. You know, I am going to marry him one day. I havn't said that in a while, so I wanted to be sure you all still remembered. It's insane how good for he is for me. I remember a coworker telling me that when we first started talking he seemed like the kind of guy who would bring out the best in me, and help me achieve my goals by supporting them. Seriously. She's dead-on! Oh, the crazy part. He fell asleep on the couch while we were watching Shrek the halls....and I took a picture of him sleeping. Does that make me crazy? I don't think it does. He had the most adorable sleepy face, and I had to capture it. I left him sleep too, since we DID have a great workout. Twice. P.S. I've looked at his sleeping picture about 5 times today. I might be crazy. Or, I might just be in love.

I spent the morning in a warm bed with a snuggly man, who I happen to also be madly in love with. I had car trouble. It was cold out you know. I also happened to get some awesome advice on my phone interview today. He gave me a great pep talk, and it really put me in the right frame of mind! He is an amazing guy. He also happens to have the nicest ass I've ever had the pleasure of looking at. I couldn't ask for a better person. I know how lucky I am and it's my goal to never let him forget that I know.

So, the interview? Fabulous! The recruiter was really easy to talk to, and I was able to be myself. I had all the answers to the questions he asked, like what I thought the job entailed...which he said impressed him. (I only read the description a bazillion times)At the end he said he thought I did very well and he wanted me to move forward in the process, and scheduled me an interview next Wed. Another phone interview. This one he said would be more specific. I got a twelve page application. Twelve. Pages. I have to fax it to the lady who will be interviewing me.

I have to do some homework for the next one. You have to work for what you want. So, it's worth it! The money is right, plus you get bonuses, and if you enter the mentoring program (mentor other people in your position) you make more money. Plus, there is like 8,000 branches of this place worldwide. I could go anywhere if I needed to. I told him I would travel up to 40 miles. I could work 1 job. Say what? Send me your positive vibes! I may start the new year with a new, more challenging job....where I use my brain and stuff, like, oh my god!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Letting Things Go..

So, I've been working on this whole enlightenment thing. Which, I think is going to be a long journey for me, but so long as I stay on the path, I'll be happy with myself. I said before that Wayne Dyer said to him to be enlightened, is when you realize everyone is on their own path. Basically you let people be themselves. Give up power over what you have no control over. This is hard for me. But I have found, that when I am happy in my life with myself, it comes natural.

When I let other people ruffle my feathers, and get under my skin, I would tend to turn anger outward onto them. When really, I need to look at how I handle the situaton. This is hard. But, I've been doing it for a while now. One thing I learned in counseling that has stuck with me, is that just because something is important to me, doesn't mean it's important to other people. I can't expect someone to fold towels the way I do. If I want them folded a certain way...I do it myself and don't complain. I know I got this part of my character from my Momma. Not that I'm blaming her, but you learn what you live. My Mom wanted things "just so" and I have a bit of that in me too.

What brings this up, is that CP sent me a link to his blog. So, naturally, I went to read it. Which is basically a place where he is writing his journal entries from when he was in rehab. I understand the purpose of blogging, and that his perspective is his. What bothers me is that I have let it tick me off. It's amazing how you can have such different perspectives in life. I understand, he is on his own path. His view, and opinion of our time together is his own. It's not right or wrong.

However, it was my understanding that I was helping him out, letting him stay with me. While he never paid me a dime. He wrote that I didn't like to help people financially because if I could make it anyone can. Well.....? I saw it as...why should I work two jobs while you sit on your high, unemployed ass and do nothing? I had every right to be pissed off. We agreed he would pay me and he didn't. He also wrote, that I would recover from his owing me $3-$400 because I'm use to being disappointed by him. Is there any question why we broke up last year? Most addicts are like that. They suck the life out of you. Take whatever they can from you and never think about how you are struggling. Only that they are hurting for drugs.

My being pissed off, and ultimately kicking him out? I think this comes with having boundries. I was learning what mine were this past year, and starting to stick to them. I guess he hasn't reached this point in his own personal journey, and so I have to let it go.

Letting him stay with me and my brother was my fault. Insanity. You know, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I'm learning. Little by little. I'm getting my shit together more every day. I can now understand my fault in the whole situation. A few months ago, I would have blamed him still. I'm over that part, and I am letting it go.

I also emailed him and asked him (yet again) to change his address from my house, because I am tired of receiving his mail.

I get to see my man tonight, and I'm soooo excited! It's hard to go one day let alone TWO without seeing him. If you don't know the feeling. I feel for you. Seriously. Go out and get yourself a hottie like mine. Oh, I know it's not that easy. Trust me there!

I saw Saw IV Friday with Kat. Good. Fucking. Movie! I can't wait to see it again...the ending was sort of confusing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Bah Humbug...

I was way too busy to update Monday. You know, give people a couple days off, and the world seems to fall apart. Pffft. Today we have a three hour meeting. Three. Hours.

I have a phone interview Thursday with a major financial company. One that would give me the freedom to move around if need be. The office I'm interviewing for is in my old hometown. I'm sure the phone thing is a weeding process, and hopefully I make it through that one and onto the next stage. There were a billion times to sign up for when I applied. I think I may enjoy the job, its as a manager of sorts, and it sounds like I could use my skills, and move up with the company.

You know, my face is still a mess? Now, of course, it's not as bad as it was, but it was almost cleared up when I was on my last week of "the pill pack" because I wasn't taking the damn pill. The stuff I have to put on it to make it go away is about in the laugh lines spot on my face, and it's drying my face out so bad, I have permanent wrinkles! This, is war! If those fucking dicks at planned parenthood don't change my script, someone is going down! Fo' show! I mean, you can do a lot to me before I get pissed, but giving me wrinkles? That'll cost me thousands in the long run to undo! Bastards! I'm telling them I've been blowing chunks for weeks and I need a new script!

Because I like to share, here is what I witnessed at the second job. I'm sitting facing an open office, where this one girl scans jobs. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her cus I felt watched. Turns out she was watching me to see if I was looking at her. Because, I witnessed her dig her finger in her ear.....inspect her finger for a while....and then stick that finger in her mouth and eat her ear wax. Biting the nail and everything. She isn't visibly retarded, and they have her running this big scanning machine. So, I think she's just nasty with no excuse!

I booked a nice cabin for me and the man to stay at for my burfday! (Which..is in um, 17 more days people) I'm so excited, I get to spend TWO nights with him, that alone is a slice of heaven. The place I got has three bedrooms, so we have plenty of area to cover. A fireplace, full kitchen, and a jacuzzi! Guess who is going to have a memorable birthday? That'd be me! Yup! Mmm hmm! Guess who gets to remember it with with the sexy man who rocks her world? Yep, me again! The more I think about things, the more it kinda sucks to not be me. Unless you like your job. Then, maybe you have one thing I don't. And then again, it's just a job. I'd rather be happy in all the other aspects of my life. Which, I am. So, I'm not jealous if you and your stupid job. Piss off!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Well At Least I'm Not THIS Girl...

I leave you with this fun for the weekend. Before, and after 50 lbs. I really can't believe I lost
50 lbs. It looks like it when you compare photos. I still have 20-30 more to go, but I'm quite happy with the results so far. Be kind. I'm not this girl anymore thank god. I sure treated myself like total shit! It's hard to find fat pics. Cus I avoided the camera!

This was me in August 2006.

This is me This month, November 2007

This is winter 2006. Debatable if it is February or November.
(nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll)
uh, yea, horizontal stripes rock on a big girl!

This is October 2006. Nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll.

Some day I'll have better photos. Like, of me swimming in my size 18 pants. Yea. I said it. Cus it'll never be me again! But I was bored at work so I decided to get something up here. Especially since today I'm feeling lardy!

Post-Turkey Day

Well. I opted not to weigh myself this week. Since, I only worked out once. And, I ate quite a lot of bad things. It's a whole new week starting this weekend, so we'll nip 'er in the bud. Mostly I just feel bloated. Too much sodium. Bleh. I'm over it! I'ts only temporary. Moving on!

Who's working today? Anyone...? Anyone...? I am. Me, and the rest of the secretaries. Who has a phone interview next week for a financial company and a way better position? Me. Who applied to work at corporate for a major restaurant chain? Me. Who wants to make more money? Me. I'm so sick of being an hourly employee. Clocking in and out. Waiting a YEAR for vacation. A billion other things. With the size of the company I work for, you would think I'd make bank. But I don't.

I had a splendid time on turkey day with the man's family. Me and the man had a miscommunication I suppose. But of course I called my Momma upset, who told me that he has boundries, and I am forgetting mine, and I'm over reacting. When the hell did I become so fracking emotional? Seriously? I have never been like this. It's really strange to me. I guess I'm still getting to know all the changes in myself. Being so head over heels about someone doesn't help in the emotion department I guess. Talking to my Momma did help I guess. I just have to learn what advice to take, and which to ignore. *ahem*

And, everything was perfection on Thursday. I got there about 9 am, which means someone didn't get to sleep in on her day off work, and got up at 7am. The family was super nice, and I offered to help a lot so I felt more comfortable around them. I made my ever-popular peanut butter pie, and people ate it. Which was a good sign! The man's dad had me oil the turkey. Have I ever mentioned how I pretty much despise touching raw meat? Yea, cus it makes me wanna hurl. Now, that's love.

The turkey was yummy! Everything was good! I even got to spend some quality time with the man, and it was long overdue. I'm pretty high maintenance where the quality time is concerned. I just wanted to kiss his lips off! Well, we also went thru music, and he burned me some CD's which I'm listening to at work!

I didn't get any rest. I started to doze off around 11 watching a movie, and he was snoring ever-so-adorably on my lap, so I took off. I made it home in 45 minutes, which was pretty good for me. Then I was up til 1:30 reminicing about how cute my man is, and how I can't stand leaving him, and I can't wait until I don't have to anymore. I know things will happen as they are meant to. It's gotten me this far, so I just have to trust in that.

Did everyone eat buckets of food, and have a nice family arguement?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I'm thankful for the fact that I don't have to work tomorrow. At either job! I'm also thankful for the fact that I don't work the second job on Friday. So, it's almost like a vacation. Almost, but not quite. I wore a stupid-ass Brown's sweatshirt, so I could wear jeans. You know, like in Office Space. "Friday is hawaiian shirt day! So, you can wear a hawaiian shirt...and jeans". It's the little things that make us paper pushers happy. New ink cartridges?! Awesome! Jeans day?! Look! We got different colored kleenex boxes!

What I'm not thankful for, is last night at the second job? They had me doing a job the tards do. Shut it about being politically correct, I don't care. They get paid an hourly rate, to hit 1 button. I don't. The job scans into the system, but can't read numbers or letters and it "flags" them. You hit a button. "1"..."g"...You get about 200 keystrokes per job. Normally, i get about 15,000. This means that I made 5.89 per hour last night. And that was only because I did my regular jobs for 2 hours. I made $7 for the 2.5 I did the tard work. You know, I made like $3 an hour my whole shift. Is that legal? I was totally pissed. They were behind so they had a bunch of us doing it. That shit didn't even pay for the gas for me to drive out there, and it's gonna fuck up my average hourly rate too! But that's messin up my positive post about being thankful and stuff.


I'm also thankful for Tara who is going to feed my poochie for me tomorrow and give her med's so I can go to the man's tonight and be in manly bliss! We're gonna go out for a while, and then I'm spending the holiday with him. Ack! It may be less stressful on me if I'm already there. We'll see. But tonight after work(s) I have to rush home, bath the dog (twice) bath myself (once) get myself ready, make two pies, pack my shit, and get the hell outta dodge!

Then, I'm thankful for my life, which as much as I complain, isn't bad at all. I really am lucky to have the friends I have who support me even if I'm sometimes irrational, and they always want me to be happy. A family that I can be myself with and they still love me. The fact that I know myself, and where I've been, and where I'm going. And a boyfriend that happens to be the sexiest man to ever live. He makes me smile, and laugh, and gives me the butterflies and tinglies just thinking about him. When I'm with him, I feel like the most special girl in the world, and he's everything I've ever wanted. Forever wouldn't be long enough. Sniff sniff.. *sigh*. Yea, I've got it pretty good!


I'm thankful the fucker that rear-ended me on my lunch break, didn't smash up my nice new car. Or make me hit the guy in front of me. And, it appears the damage may just need buffing.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I've always had a great sense of responsibility. Pride. Great work ethic. Of course, it's not the same as it once was, after being laid off the last job, I realized, that work is work and I don't really give a shit about it like I use to. But still, it does come before most things in my life. Unfortnately.

Where does the sense of responsibility stop, and self preservation begin? It's very possible, that my brother will be going back into the hospital, for another skin graft. Not because he is a poor healer. Or, it didn't take right the first time. Because he did it to himself, by the way he lives, and what he does to his body. I think I am the only one who really see's this for what it is. I remember when my mom was going to Al-anon when we were growing up, and she was getting into "tough love" and we would tell her how mean she was, and she said it wasn't that she is being mean at all. She hung up this sign that said "You have the freedom of choice, but not of consequence".

This goes for my brother. He chooses to live the lifestyle he does. He chooses to go to the bar and drink all his money away. He chooses to not have a car. He chooses to work at a restaurant when he is really smart, and can do anything he wants. He chooses to not care about himself. Those are choices he makes, because they are easier than trying to better yourself.

I did all I can do for him, and I'm at a point in my life where I come first. I have spent the last couple decades, putting myself on the back burner, for the needs of others. It wasn't even in a healthy exchange. I was just taken advantage of, and I let it happen. I'm still young enough to be able to enjoy my life. And I plan to. I can't however enjoy my life, when I work 60 hours a week. Working from 8am-10:15pm 5 days a week. I can't keep doing it. These are suppose to be the best years of my life. Do I HAVE to do it? No. But I want things for myself that require me to pay my bills off. So I do it.

Having my brother stay with me, put me further into debt. Prevented me from paying off any bills for 4 months. I realize, he is family. I love him. I care about his well being. But while I struggled working two jobs, trying to support the both of us, he did nothing to help. Instead, complained about the food I bought. The fact that I had no cable channels. Didn't take him anywhere. He wouldn't even fill out paperwork to get food stamps to help us out. Had no desire to learn how to budget his money, and ran up our phone bill to over $200, and watched me have a nervous breakdown....without so much as an "I'm sorry".

I am 31 years old. I don't have kids, because I enjoy my freedom. I'm too busy working on myself, and bettering my own life, to be concerned with caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves. I know in my own heart, this doesn't make me a bad person. I know, that sometimes you have to hit the absolute bottom before you can come up. I had mine about 8 years ago. When I lost "everything" at once. No one could make me see what I did to myself. What I allowed to go on around me. When you are in your own bubble, you have to see it for yourself, and the same is true for my brother. He has to ask for help. He has to see that he needs it. And until then, I am going to live my life like I have been doing. I stressed all night about what to do about him. But you know what? I bet my brother was having a jolly time at the bar, not worrying one bit about what he would do. And, theres something wrong with that.

Until he decides he wants to better himself, and ask for the help he needs, I'm not responsible for him, and I'm ok with that.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Million Dollar Doggie...

I'm so tired. This morning, I tried to put deoderant on my toothbrush. I'm perpetually tired. I never get enough sleep. I guess it doesn't help that I spent time being upset last night. But let's not get into that, nothing bad happened. It's just my stupid heart. Motherfucker get's in the way sometimes!

Saturday, I woke up at 9am. When was my vet appointment? 9 am. I had to call and lie that I was running behind, and I made the 30 min drive to the vet in about 15 minutes. The dog, cost me $241. She had a total overhaul. I took her to the exotic hospital where I take the rabbit. Cus, they do their own testing, and my old vets nice and all but, old school. Anyway, they scraped her skin twice and made her bleed to see if she had bacteria, or mites or something. Because she stank. And when I say stank, I mean, my entire house has smelled like the dog for months. It doesn't go away.

The dog's new medicine arsenal is this, two shampoos every other day. So in addition to the billion other things I have to do after work at 11pm, now I have to give the dog a 45 minute bath. Love it. She's on antibiotics for a month, for her upper respiratory and nasty skin. Steroids for her itching. Wipes for her face/ears because, she has a yeast infection of the entire body, and some bacterial infection on her stomach. A new eye medication that she will be on daily forever in addition to her already daily eye medication. And fish oil capsules.

The good news is, after one round of all the medications, she feels better! Yesterday, when I got home she was doing her little doggie dance. And she was eating like a horse! She's worth it. I told her I had to work two weeks at my second job to pay for her vet visit but she could care less.

Basically all the plans I made with the man this weekend fell thru. We still had a good time though! We went to dinner, and went to see American Gangster. Yesterday we went to the store (aaaah) and got stuff to make yummy breakfast, which was fun, cooking with the man. Cus, you can do fun stuff like grab his junk, and bask in his many skillz. We cuddled all day and watched movies, and it was heavenly! I just want to be with him forever. I don't really think that forever even seems long enough.

I'm pretty unhappy at the old J-O-B. Job hunting on my lunch. My ring came in however, and that makes me smile!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Assessing My Fit-ness...

It's Friday. Normally this is where I shock everyone with my weight loss. (silence) But, we see, I did that earlier this week because I gained the week before, and I couldn't wait to see if I lost. Anyway, I did maintain the 3lb loss, and am still at a 50lb deficit today.

I also got my December Fitness magazine in the mail. Which, was a gift subscription from Kat, and they keep asking me to subscribe to it. That happened when Heather got me a gift subscription of Glamour, and they quit sending it. Flippin' rip off, ok? Anyway, in Fitness, there is a assessment you can do, to test your fitness level. For the aerobic endurance, I was in the mid-level for that section. You did things like, time your mile (15 min, thankyouverymuch) do the stairs 6 times and take your heartbeat, jumping jacks timed etc..Mid level! I know skinny people who couldn't hang with that shit, I'm awesome!

Then there was a flexibility one, and apparently I'm quite limber..above average! The man said I am...*ahem* but seriously, I didn't think I was any more than average. Taking this test made me feel really good about myself, and how far I've come! Alot of the time I still see/think of myself as fat. I have to constantly tell myself that isn't me anymore. This whole weight loss thing isn't easy people. It's 95% mental. Everything else is easy, if you get that under wraps. The mind is the most powerful tool you have, and it can be used for good, vs. telling yourself you suck, your fat, etc... Try it!

It helped that yesterday a coworker left her badge at home so I let her use mine, and she gave it back to me and said "Oh, my, god I can't believe how much weight you've lost since that picture, I never noticed you were that big" Yea, I lived with myself and I didn't notice either. I've decided when I hit 60 lbs is when I'm going to do before and after, cus thats my goal weight. Of course, I want to lose 10-20 more after that, but if I don't that's ok.

One good thing about working two jobs? The work week flies by! Another good thing? Fucking paychecks, hollaaaaa! I finally got paid. One month to the day after starting there. A shitty thing? Exhaustion. I got to work 15 minutes early last night. I set my phone alarm, and slept for 15 min in the car. That 15 minutes was heavenly.

I only have one more day to wait til I can see my man in his manly man-ness. *angels sing*. I smelled him in my bed last night, and boy he smells goooood! We're spose to go to dinner w/Katie and her husband, and to Columbus for his friends bday. Good times. I'm thinking, there might also be some sex in there, but I don't want to pretend to be too sure of it, cus then the man might not give it up. Yea.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Love is a Many Splendor Thing...

I was sitting here at my desk daydreaming. Staring at my wall thinking about the man. Then I had to go outside and cool off. Pretty funny how that works. I don't know what it is with him, but he definatley does "it" for me, that's for sure. It was so nice to spend the night with him. Of course, I mean the sleeping in the same bed with him, not just the sex. (but it's the kind that when it's over your like...wtf just happened? Oh yea...like that!) I love to be close to him. God, I hope I don't scare him off! It seems to be a mutual thing, so I don't think he's gonna run off. But then, no one ever said that men make sense. I mentioned again how in the past I've been accused of being "over-sexed" he said he thinks it's perfect. I hope he means that. Then again, it was only with the last one that said that to me. And CP was a pretty strange bird. We had it out about that topic a lot. A man? Not liking sex? Like in this post. (which looking back at...makes me wonder what the fuck was I missing at the time, to not know something bigger was going on?)

Then, the man asked me an interesting question. He asked me what love was to me. I don't know that I've ever really tried to put it into words before, and it was definately not easy. I said it's a feeling more than anything..trust, not fearing what will happen. I guess it's hard for me to distinguish, because it's "felt" different with every person I thought that I loved. I've never felt as intensley for someone before. This one tops the list. If I had to describe it, I'd say it's like there is a string that runs from my heart to his, and when it's pulled too thin (when we are apart) it sort of hurts.

Of course, love is trust. And honesty. And not letting your own issues get in the way of those two things, isn't always easy. Sometimes I let bad thoughts get into my head, but the difference between how I am now, and who I use to be, is that I can see that it's just stinkin thinkin. It's my own issues, creeping up, and I have no reason to feel them, so I shut it off. The old me, would have created havoc over this sort of thing. Love is being your own person, and knowing that its OK. Love is not jealousy. Love is letting the other person grow, and be who they are, and knowing that their love is true. Trusting that it is. Not doubting it.

But ultimately, it's a feeling. A wonderful feeling. One that I havn't felt in this way before. A lot of this is all new for me. The only other time I was remotely close to having this, was when I was married, but I didn't love myself. Having self love, on top of being in love, is a feeling everyone should experience. I'm still a work in progress too. I know, things can only get better for me.

I didn't answer all this to the man. But if I had to do again, I would simply say love is what I feel for him. I'm a very lucky girl to have met him. And I thank the universe every day for bringing him into my life. And that's the truth.

What is love to you?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'd like a job where I get paid to sleep.....

I didn't get off early last night. I also, got a new log on since mine quit working at the second job. The "big" boss was there. I said, "now, is this going to affect my pay, because you know I havn't been paid in a month?" He acted shocked when I told him the story. Whatever. I busted my freaking ass last night, and made 11.57/hr. Not too shabby for a part time gig. I also wrote the # of every batch I did, and am doing this from now on. Don't be fucking with my pay bitches. I work too hard for the shit! And, my hand hurt like a motherfucker! (the jobs I do are 99.9% numbers)

Tayray went over and aired my place out for me while I was at work so I could go back in safely and let the pets upstairs after the flea bomb. Then I worked out. I only did 45 minutes, but for the half hour I was on the treadmill I was running. Normally I walk fast/jog. I was running. I probably shouldn't have done it, because I had a hard time keeping my breathing steady, but I did it anyway. Trying to change my workouts a bit. Lose my final 20. 20 is nothing. If I continue to lose weight, I might try to stop smoking next. After I reach my goal. One thing at at time. Inch by inch.

By this time, it's midnight...when, I stripped my bed, washed and dried the sheets, comforter, pillows. Everything smells like my dog every couple of days. It's great fun. I swept the furniture, vaccumed, cleaned the bath tub, and sink, swept downstairs, did dishes, wiped the counters, dusted, and got a bath. Made rice and beef for the sick dog too. I was up until 2:30 though.

Remember when I worked these hours back in 2005/2006 and I did stupid shit like putting hair conditionor on for face lotion? I can see this in my future. I was sleeping at work again. It's an odd thing to do. Because I'm fully aware of my surroundings, and I don't stop typing, and I don't drop my head at all, but I jolt awake and think....."how long was I sleeping???" It's so freaking weird. I bet it's how people fall asleep at the wheel and crash, boom, bam! I get so tired on my way to the second job. But when I leave, I'm so happy... that I'm wide awake. Then.. working out so late, makes it nearly impossible to sleep no matter how tired I am.

I'm looking for a cabin or something like that to do for my birthday with the man. I wanna get away. Get the hell outta dodge. Have lots of sex, and drink a buttload of wine. What more does a girl need when she turns 32?

By the way. Officially, one month until my birthday. It's huge. So, you might want to start planning my suprise party, or, take up a collection to help get me out of the hole since I'm not receiving any pay for my work.

I also get to see that man tonight. I can't wait to give him a big hug, and kiss him, and smell him and touch him, and kiss him, and, well, you get the picture! I'm in love with this one!!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Flash Gordon...

I sat at work last night for half an hour not getting paid (notice a theme with the second job?) because my logon quit working. I asked if I could leave, cus they couldn't fix it. Why the hell I gotta sit there and not get paid? Hopefully they call me off tonight. Guess there isn't much work til one job is finished, and they called a bunch of folk off. I need a freaking break, wtf do I care? Not like I'm making any money.

So on my night off, I worked out, cut the dogs hair, mopped the kitchen, took trash down, carried a TV upstairs, mopped the laundry room, emptied (cleaned) the hot water tank, swept, cleaned litter boxes, had a bath, dishes, moved the pet food downstairs, and prepared for this morning. I was home for 3 hours before I went to bed. I'm the fucking queen of time management.

This morning, I set off a bomb. A FLEA bomb. Yes. I've got fleas. While I don't think it's quite an infestation yet, you can't be too careful when you have 6 pets. You have to nip that shit in the asshole. I bathed the cats over the weekend. That's a load of fun. I took a picture of one afterwards, and laughed at myself for the entire hour drive to see the man, because I couldn't wait to ask him if he wanted to see a picture of my wet pussy. Hee Hee...I'm so easily amused!

Did you know what a gentleman the man is? (I decided he's a man....so I should call him one) He opened my car door for me all weekend. I mean, seriously! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?

So, this morning, I locked everyone downstairs for the day which I'm sure they are going to just love. Fourteen hours of animal bliss. Of course the only one that's going to mind is Tai, she's the outcast.

I also achieved my goal of a 15 minute mile without dying. Normally, I do 3.6 miles in an hour, so it takes me over 15 min to do a mile. I was pretty proud of myself for getting there last night, and staying there the whole time, maintaining the incline, and form so I didn't hurt my knees or my back. I didn't feel like I was going to die. Though, if you were a fly on the wall you'd see that it wasn't so easy, and my whole body was sweating, and I said things like, "mother fucker" and "don't stop" along with heavy breathing. Yea... it was kinda like sex. On an incline. With sweat. Hell yea!

Then, when I weighed myself today, it happened. I hit the 50 lb mark. Angels sing!!! Let me state here, that 50 lbs is half of 100. Half of 100! That is a lot of weight. I don't know if I could even lift 50 lbs. I could almost lose 100 lbs and still be a functioning human being. Almost, but not quite. My goal, is only 20 more lbs, and 1 more size. I am so excited, I can't contain myself! All while working two jobs! I'm so fucking proud of myself. I rock. That's all there is to it. And, I deserve to toot my own horn, because I do a lot of shit every day, in addition to working 60 hours. Did I mention how I work all the time? Cus, I like to mention it. I'm also 100% drug free..unless you count my natural endorphines. And caffine. Lot's of caffine. But still.

Edit: I got myself this ring I had my eye on for the past year....for meeting my major goal. I said I'd buy me something. On my account. *gulp* It's tanzenite.

Monday, November 12, 2007

And Then, There's Monday...

Today is one of those days, that if you had super powers, you'd stop time, go back to bed, and forget happened. That, by the way is my super power of choice. Stopping time. For sleep. When you work all the time, that's all you think about. And sex. I could also stop time and work out, and clean my damned house. Perhapse even throw in taking advantage of the man while time is stopped. He'd never know the difference. Right?

My day? All I did was submit 5 travel requests for one of my VP's weeks ago. One came back needing ok'd. I didn't check it, because they never need ok'd 3 weeks out the way I submitted it. Turned out the guy called wanting approval last week or it would be canceled. My VP wasn't in the office. I got back to them Friday and it needed re-booked. Long story short, I've got both the dept managers, the divisional, and senior VP all involved, giving me shit about it because it cost the company more money. I really don't see what I did wrong, as I do this all the time with no problem. The travel guy claimed he left me 4 msgs and never heard back from me. Which is BS I contacted him twice.

It's apparently a huge deal. And, now, I'm going to get reemed about it. I've heard shit from everyone. Who needs this? Not me. I have enough stress. Like, how I work two jobs and still have no money to pay my car payment on Wednesday, because I still havn't gotten paid. I have no time to take my dog to the vet, who is now sick again. Nor do I have the money. Remind me again why I'm working 60 hours a week? Cus, it's kind of hard to remember. Seeing how I'm worse off than I would have been working 1 job.

The good news is that my physical health feels better. I have decided to blame it on lack of a healthy dose of the man. Because as soon as I saw him on Saturday, everything went back to normal. Why he gotta be affectin' my body that way? I dunno. I guess since it's fantastic being with him, it's worth the pain on the in between. *sigh*

We had a good time this wknd, we went out to eat with his friend and his girlfriend, and to the bar. I had this yummy draught cider. I could take a bath in it, and still drink the whole tub. It's that good. We just hung out on Sunday, and watched 1408. That was a good movie! We did have some time to ourselves which felt good. If you consider that I had to share him with two dogs, who also made themselves at home on his lap. How adorable is that? Pretty damned!

Also, Kat is back from Japan, which makes me happy because she will go out with me. I was so lonley without her. She's not allowed to leave me again. She did however get me some cool hello kitty stuff, and a bad-ass buddha! I also got a rock from the temple! I love my rocks man!

I'm going to look for another job.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Don't Hate Me Because...

First and foremost. I didn't hit 50lbs. In fact, I hit 47. Meaning, I GAINED two pounds. I blame my period for starting next week, and since I am a woman, and I have to deal with it every month I earned that right. Enough about it. It's not staying for long. Moving on.

I wouldn't consider myself a vain person. But, who the hell wants to walk around with scabby crusty shit on their face? And swollen lips? Not me! I've always been blessed with nice skin, and to have this stuff take over suddenly, has been detrimental to my self esteem. So I went to the Dr, without insurance (anyone want to adopt me? I do the dishes? Feed myself?) which cost me $60 bucks out of pocket for him to shine a light in my face for 5 minutes.

The conclusion? The pill can cause this sort of thing.

Dr: "can you live without it for two months?"

Me: "The pill??? Uh, no!"

Dr: "Right, I don't want you to get pregnant"

Me: "I don't want me to get pregnant either!!"

Then asked if my swollen lip could've been a cold sore. I said, I've never had herpes in my life! Gross!

So, I'm staying on the pill. Supposedly, if it's caused by the pill, it will subside by the second week into my next pack, which is in 3 weeks. All the crap should stop. Cramps, dizziness, headaches, ROSACEA! Nice!

Then I paid $79 for a prescription to clear it up. Yea, you heard me. I charged that shit. Massa-cawd say he don't care when I pay him back. Mmmm hmmm. Guess what 80 bucks'll get you? A 50% improvement on your crusty ass face, that's what! In a day it's better. Me likey!

The boy said the cutest thing, which is a total lie, but he said that the only thing he noticed on my face was my smile and his lips. Is this one adorable, or what? I am having other health issues. Like, my heart aches. And, to think about being in his presence again makes me squeal. Uh! And guess what? They wrote a song about him. Love the first line. Who wants to lock her man in the closet? Me!

I'm going to his house tomorrow, we're going out for his friends birthday. So, this means I'm not going to have my fill of him. If youknowhatimean.

I still havn't gotten paid for the second job. Calling the fucking assholes today. I am learning that to be an enlightened person, you understand that everyone is on their own paths in life. And they shouldn't bother you. That's where they are. This is where you are. Well...I mean, being nice and letting the world be the world is only ok for so long. Until it fucks with my income. Then we got problems!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Well, My Insides Don't Hurt Or Anything....

See me using positive thinking in my title? Thinking away the fact that I'm in pain? Yea, that's not working for me at all.

I won't bore you to tears with how sad I was last night that I didn't get to see my man cuz he is sick. And, how, for the first time since we started dating, it will be a week since we've seen each other, given we still see each other this weekend. *siiiiiiiiiiigh*. I might have cried, but I'm not seeing it as weakness. I'm seeing it as positive because I tend to hide and deny my feelings. So, having them is a personal victory for me. I would've taken care of him, cus that's how much I love him. I think this is a time where the distance thing really blows. And I'm over talking about it cus it's just gonna depress me.

Instead, I'll focus on the positive of the evening.

I got to go tanning. I can only go once a week, cus I work god-awful hours. It felt nice, and I had my quick nap which always seems to get me going! And I also got a real-live workout in! Meaning, yesterday I walked for an hour and a half total, and did a 1/2 hour of abs/weights. This made me feel fantastic. Not as fantastic as "working out with the boy". *ahem* And not quite as rewarding either. Oh well.

I have no cable. They shut my shit off. Sad, that I work so much and can't pay my bills. Oh yea, they didn't pay me at the second job. Silly girl. Yea, how's getting that paycheck going for you? It's not. End of discussion. I'm beyond pissed about it. But there is nothing else I can do to change it. So, what's meant to be will be. After all I went thru to get money to cover my rent, do you think she's cashed my check yet? No. Fucking. Bitch! I get paid tomorrow and I couldn have saved myself all the trouble of borrowing money. You live and learn!

I have horrid cramps. Which I will be discussing with the Dr. today. I didn't even have such bad cramps not being on the pill, and that's bad because I had baaaaaaaaad cramps! Want a pretty worthless birth control pill? Try Desogen. The only thing good I can say about it is I didn't gain weight. And that could just be because I work out regularly, I wouldn't give credit to that shit pill. Why oh why can't I get my tubes tied? Seriously....it's my freaking body!

I'm listening to a really good book at work. "Transformations" by Wayne Dyer. It's a lot of the same ideas as "The Secret" which if you don't know by now...I swear by. Only it's explained a bit differently. Same idea, in that you can change your life by your thoughts. But think of it like this. All we are, are our thoughts. Think about your past. You have feelings and memories about it...but it isn't tangible. You can't touch it. You can't hold it, they are thoughts. Only thoughts. But we deem them so powerful. Thoughts are powerful.

Think of people in your life. You don't have them in your mind, you have thoughts of them. Being upset about, or wanting to change the past in your own life, is just as useful as thinking about the Veitnam War, feeling bad about it, and wanting to change it. You can't change that, and you can't change your own past. It's pointless to try, a waste of energy. You should focus on positive thought, because it's all we have. Thoughts are that powerful.

He also goes on to talk about not fearing aging, because the only thing that ages is our "shell" not our spirit. And that we are not even in the same bodies we were in 7 years ago, all the cells have been replaced. Isn't that interesting? I am really worried about aging, so this is particularly interesting to me. But then, I'm only on disc 2.

And, to make myself feel better, with all the womanly crap I've got going on, and missing the man....I just visited the diamonds. Diamonds always make a girl feel better. But I am no longer putting anything on my employee account, so I have to wait until I have the cash for stuff. You know, after I pay the cable bill. And then, it's Christmas time.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Adverse Reaction....

I've decided that I'm having more than just "a" side effect from my birth control. I've started cramping in my ovaries in the evenings. Dizzy spells. Nausea. Now, I have some sort of rash on my face, it's not just acne...It's a full blown rash, and it's affecting all my skin. I've never had a problem my entire life. This morning? I woke up and my upper lip is swollen bad enough that my coworkers can tell, I can barely smile, and its hurting my gums. What......the fuck? This is the only thing different I have done in the past 3 weeks.

Today's mission? Calling my old Dr. (that delivered me.....) and seeing what he can do about getting me a new prescription. Hoping he can get my records from PP. I am not going thru another exam. I was run thru the gammit with all the scraping and swabing for the tests I had done. My va-jay-jay is closed for that sorta business. I'll make payments, I'll pay full price monthly for the pills, whatever. I cannot live my life looking like such a freak. I apologize to the freaks out there, but I can't do it. PP doesn't have any of the other three pills I have tried with no problem in the 17 years I've been on the pill, and they don't write scripts, you have to buy from them. Wish me luck. Not like I can just stop taking the pill either, so until I get something else, I suffer. *sigh*

I'm at work last night, minding my bizness, as I always do, and I hear my name. CP was there. Waving at me. I gathered that he was there to visit my supervisor, as she was also his supervisor when he worked there. I know he isn't trying to get his job back, because that would just be silly, right? Not to mention, he up and quit one day with no notice, so I doubt they will hire him back. Then he emailed me today to say it was nice seeing me. Said something about being beautiful as ever and that he meant it in a friendly way. I dunno kids.... That doesn't sound friendly to me? I mean I'm only super duper, head over heels in love with someone else! So, no worries!

Got my stats for week before last. I made over $100 more in one week than at the police station. I smell financial freedom on the horizon!

I get to see that boy who invades my brain, and makes me crazy tonight! Yippppeeeee! I absolutely cannot wait to feel him. Ugh. Just the thought makes me nuts! I might have to jump him right away..... For some reason it feels like it's been for-ev-er! Let's see in 6 months, if the boy still has no problem with my sexual appetite, he said he has no problem with it. It's been my experience that boys tire of my sexual prowess.

P.S. My new favorite thing to eat is cottage cheese, peas, and sunflower seeds. I know it may sound gross, but it's actually quite good. One of my VP's eats the peas and cottage cheese every day. See if this helps me meet my 51lb weight loss goal on Friday! I've had way too much bread in the past few weeks, so I'm not having my delicious breakfast sandwhich. *sigh*

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I Plan to Have a Plan...

So, in an effort to kick 50lbs in the ass this week I have devised a plan of action. I brought extra shoes to work, and since it's not hot out, I'm gonna hoof it around the parking lot for half an hour on lunch. Yesterday, I walked in my friggin work shoes, and I think my feet might actually fall off. You know what though? I feel fabulous. Today I walked with a coworker, and guess what? It's freaking snowing. Not like a blizzard, but it's cold and theirs some specks flying around.

Ahhhh....gotta love it! I decided, no way can I get up at 5:30 after 4 hours of sleep, and workout for an hour and a half, then be ready to leave for work on time, be "working" 14 hours (actually 12, but including drive time...). It's just not possible, and I have to give myself a break. I also have to workout every day or I get down on myself, and that's a bad thing. It fucks up my whole positive outlook, and I'm not trying to do that, when I've been on the right track for so long. So, self, you are going to turn this shit around, got it?

I understand, I'm not indestructible. I have to give myself some time to rest at some point, but really, when is that gonna be? I have to keep up after pets, and myself, and workout, and work 60 hours, and have a (super hot & fantastic) boyfriend. Working out is really the only "me time" I have and enjoy!

Not to mention, I believe the new birth control is making me sick. I'm trying not to give into it, but I'm nauseus, I don't feel "myself" and it's making my face horribly broken out. I'm giving it to the end of a month on the new one and I'm trying something else. Looking as tore up as I look, I don't know that I need birth control. The boy might not want to touch me! Ack! That will be detrimental to my overall health as well!

I have to find a balance. Understand that I might not have time to do everything I think needs to be done, and be OK with it. Understand that some day I will be able to get back into a routine again. Until then, I need to not be hard on myself. The money will come. The weight loss will come. Everything will happen as it should. I need to stop trying to pretend I have control over it.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Ummm..Like, No means No...

Friday, I didn't get paid from the second job. Nice. I had to call the landlord and ask her not to cash rent until today, and now I have to send extra money.

Turns out, the dickhead at work who turns in our "stats" didn't turn mine in. I've been clocking in and out, and "not working". Which not only means I don't get paid, it means it fucks up my productivity, which has to be at 80% to not get a write up.

Dude was raised in a carnival. Had rats for friends. You think that I made that up cus he's a creepy crawly dude, but that's the story he tells people. I told you I work with some real gems.

My brother loaned me a portion of what I needed, which was shocking, and nice. But now I'm in the hole already coming into my next pay. I figure, I'll be in debt to cash advance until at least after Christmas. How's that working 60 hours a week and getting ahead goin for ya? Fabulous thanks, pretty fucking fabulous. I could look back and blame lots of people for being in the situation I am financially, but really, I can only take responsibility for me.

Friday night, "someone" texted me. Let's refer to last week, when I told "someone" that I have a boyfriend, and that's that... right? Mind you I hadn't even seen him since before I went out with the boy, which is the longest we'd gone w/o seeing each other, so what the fuck?

Anyhow, Friday he texts me and asks when the last time I thought about "us" was. Huh? Was there an "us" to begin with? No! I said "it's been a while, I told you I have a BF now, and I am quite happy, I have everything I want. Not the kind of girl who does that sort of thing." /message.

Does having a mutually non-commited relationship make you a friggin' slutbag, or what? Seriously?

I'm just gonna stop responding, cus I told him what's up twice!

I didn't get to see that boy til about 9 on Saturday. Needless to say it was long overdue. *Ahem.*... We went to see "30 Days of Night". Cree-eepy! We met my brother for a couple drinks after the movie, it was like 1 am. Brother likes the boy. Like I said before, what's not to like? Seriously? You'd like him too. He right off the bat didn't like the exes.

Guess what the boy did for me on Sunday? Besides the wake-up, which goes without saying? wink wink. He put a door on for me.Yea, so not only did he do that, he put the door knob on the right way cus it locked from the downstairs and not the upstairs. He's smart about manly things! He was pretty good with a screwdriver too. And he's so good to me. I love it!

Then he took me to eat, and we went shopping. We went to Joann's to find baggies. I suggested looking in the wedding aisle cus they'd probably have them for favors. He said it was slick how I got him to the wedding aisle.

After all that business we rented movies and chilled out. I surely love him. Of course when he left I cried. I stopped even trying to figure out why I do that. Cus it isn't the being alone. I don't mind being alone....I just wish it never had to end. *sigh* And today I miss him terribly. I don't want to sound hokey and say that he 'completes me', but he definatly makes me feel 'right' when we are together. I always knew there was someone for me in the world, that would make me this happy. Who knew I just had to believe it, and be patient?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Breaks Are Nice

You may notice that I didn't weigh myself this week. This is for my own good, don't question it. Catch me next week when I am certain I'll be down. I'm not so sure, and I don't want to know because I am easily discouraged! I do know, I only worked out 3 days this week so far. I'm just not feelin' it.

Last night someone had the night off. That someone was ME! I got to work and there's all sorts of parking. I go inside, not a soul at the computers. So I found my supervisor and she said she tried to call me. Whatever. The computers were down, so I got to go home on my merry way!! This use to happen last time I worked there, or the work is slow so we have the option to leave. The shitty thing about it is I dunno if I got paid. I know there's no direct deposit in my account today. I better have a check tonight, or my rent check is going to bounce! I don't get paid from my real job til next Friday. I've been working 3 freaking weeks. I need a paycheck! Can't wait until my new found wealth kicks in. "I am wealthy, money comes easy to me, I have an abundance"......But it wouldn't hurt if you all sent me money thoughts. This is the first time in 3 years I havn't had the money for my rent. It's sorta scarey! I've never not had extra money.

You might think that a girl who falls asleep sitting up while working, after two redbulls and a 5 hour energy supplement, would go to sleep on her night off, but you don't know me very well. I had too much to do. When I got home, I noticed that the boy had done some stuff! He took back the movies we rented on Sunday. Emptied ashtrays. Put the dishes in the sink. Even the glasses from my bedroom! Made the bed! Seriously, it doesn't get any cuter than that people. He said he knew I didn't have much time to do anything. *swoon* It melted me. I'm so lucky! No one has ever been so nice to me, or thoughtful of me. Able to recognize that yea, I do work a lot, and I have a lot to do at home. He doesn't even live there, and he did that! We wont get into how I had to do all of the above in the past plus pick up after someone who wasn't even working "a" job. You live and learn.

So....back off, he's mine. Don't be trackin' me down and stalkin' me to try to steal him. I mean, I can understand why you would want to, I personally want to lock him away myself! It just made me miss him even more, if that's humanly possible. This brings up the whole butterfly story my mom told me and my 6th grade boyfriend once. She actually sat us down and told us this story about how butterfies are beautiful, but you can't keep them locked in a jar to enjoy only for yourself. It was pretty deep for 12 year olds. But we really thought we were in love. Gotta love her.

I got to bed about 11:45. That's early for me. I'm still pretty tired, but I'm not exhausted, and there is a big difference.

What I did get done was...I got a real workout in! A full hour and a half!!! I actually jogged for more than 10 min! It'd been weeks since I did that, I have had to cut them in half plus I'm too stiff in the morning! I was still able to do it. What else did I do? Washed the sheets and comforter, swept, steam cleaned the billion piss spots on my floors, 2 loads of laundry washed, dried, put away, bathed the dog, bathed 1 cat, did the dishes, got a bath, and still managed to watch Grey's Anatomy! And make a list of the trillion other things I still have to do before the wknds over. One of which is put all my lawn furniture away. In order to do that, I have to re-organize the garage. This will be probably the fourth time this year. How does a garage keep getting dis-organized? I have no idea!

It was frosty this morning. Brrrr. But guess who didn't have to melt her car? I moved the couch I've been keeping for my brother to the back of the garage so I can utilize its comfy warm-ness for my little car. I love having a garage.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

When I got home from work(s) last night, there was some cute guy hanging out at my neighbors house. Oh wait, that was MY cute guy! Tayray and her man were passing out candy for Halloweener. She was a clown, which is funny cus if you remember, she hates them. Thus, my leaving her various clown suprises when I cat sit. I'm a good friend like that.

Ok...soooo, last night the boy was like, maybe I found your blog, and I'm like, maybe I'll die of embaressment. Then hes like, Id never embaress you..I didn't mean it that way. Not like I have anything to be embaressed of. Right? Other than the fact that I said we're getting married he he he. I'm a funny girl though. You can't go and believe everything I type, k...I mean. Maybe I was just joking or something. Or....fuck, well - it must have been meant to happen, and I can't change it. Oh well. I have no reason to fret over it, it's how I feel. So, I'm gonna pretend like it never happened. And press on. I can't just erase the last almost three years of my life on the internets.

I'm in boy bliss last night, and my friggin phone rings at 10 something...private. I didn't answer it. It's never good news at 10 and private. I got an email today from CP, saying he called me but I must have been working and his number comes up private. I responded that no, I wasn't working, that my MAN was over, and I didn't want to be INTERRUPTED. He said before that "if God wants us to be together down the road, then we will be". I say, if "God" wanted us to be together, you wouldn't have fucked up so much, and "God" wouldn't have given me my perfect match wrapped up in the cutest package. How's that burning bridge going for you? I should just be bitchy to him, but that's not me. And...I have to stay true to myself. Here is where my Mom and Sister say that he is going to wind up killing me and then I'll learn.

So, I'm feeling off this morning. As is my Thursday and Monday routine anymore. I'm not depressed, or sad...it's just kinda empty. And I don't mean that in the way that I need the boy to feel like a whole person, but yea, kinda I do mean that. I am me and fine, and happy normally. I guess I can say that he makes me more me. That might sound less pathetic.

Say, like...maybe you are living your life to the fullest, and you're a good runner. And you have some decent running shoes, that you wear every day. One day, someone gives you new running shoes, and you get to feel how well they fit you. You seem to go faster, and longer with these shoes on, so naturally, you want to wear the new shoes every day, but you can't. You can only wear them a couple days a week. So on the days you wear your old running shoes, sure, you still run, and they don't give you blisters, but you think about how good it felt to wear the new shoes. How much further and longer you could run. And you wish you could just wear those every day, and it makes no sense why you have to be given the ability to be greater, but you don't have access to it.

Damn, that was the most perfect comparison. Sometimes I even scare myself.

Last night didn't make it any easier. It's pretty clear that he feels the same way, and that makes it even more frustrating. Frustrating? That's not even the right word. The only thing I can say is that I just want to chomp off a hunka the boy and eat him. Does that sound disgusting.....or what? He makes me feel so good. Just being there. I can't get enough of him, and I love it. Sometimes I hate it. Like today. And tomorrow. And whenever I have to wait to see him. But I'm thinking it's my lesson in patience or some crap like that. Which, hello...not working. I love the way he kisses me, the feeling I get when he hugs me, or holds me, and that I can't stop smiling. Writing this is making me tear up. I'm such a sucker for this love stuff. Who knew?