Exes and Oh No You Didn'ts...

Some people think that it is flattering when an ex tries to come back into your life. You think they must still love me! They realize they were wrong in letting me go!? Surely, they have seen the error of their ways and want to be in my life again!!??

Being a wise 39 years old..I think it is mainly due to the sixth sense that the opposite sex seems to have, that knows you are finally trying to move on.

Nine times out of 10, they are the ones that tell you to move on! And, after being prodded to move on and see other people, you begrudgingly seek a new relationship, and then...you know how it works. It never fails, once you start seeing someone else, the ex always comes sniffing back around.

There have been a few times that I was all too happy to try things again with a guy, and break off a possible promising new relationship.

But it was only to realize that leopards don't usually change their spots. Or, more fittingly, people don't tend to change unless they really put their heart and soul into it.

My #1 guilty relapse relationship is with ex-manfriend. We've been broken up for real for like 2 years..and I can't count the number of times I tried to make things work with this guy, or how many potentially great guys that I dated that I tossed aside to pursue what was so obviously (in retrospect) broken.

Enter in 3 months ago when I finally realized after a turn of events that I probably really did need to shut the door on exmanfriend.  I realized that in fact, I was probably holding onto something that was no longer there.

And as with most relationships gone wrong...in time I realized...despite the feelings, we just were not meant to be!

He told me to delete his number, and I blogged that if it were only that easy to forget someone. But it worked out pretty well for me. I stopped thinking about us in the future. I finally shut the door on what could have been, and I started to see things for what they were.

While he kept contacting me sporadically..I came to realize, that if he felt 1/10th about me the way I felt about him, we would be together. No questions asked, and I finally started to realize that I am the one who deserves more!

So, you know, I have been spending time now and then with a guy that I have been casually seeing, friends...but who knows where it's going, and I'm enjoying our time together..It may not be an official boyfriend, but it is just enough to get the ex radar going.

And today I was out shopping with my Mom and I got the text.

From exmanfriend.

Who told me to delete his number 3 months ago.

Simply saying Hi...and asking how I've been..And for the first time my initial reaction wasn't a pang of the heart..or wondering if this meant we could rekindle our "romance"...I was kind of ticked off because he was the one that told me to delete his number. HE thought that it would make it easy to forget about me.

But I'm grateful for what happened, because I finally realized that I in fact deserve more.

I am tired of being with guys who realize what they lost after they lose me. I want the guy who realizes what he has while he has me...and never lets me go.

Is Timing Really Everything?....

You hear it all the time, right?..."timing is everything"....

Is it? When things never seem to go as you want them to go...this sounds like a bunch of malarky...but on that off chance things seem to fall into place...you can begin to embrace this as truth!

As I mentioned before, I had dated a guy a couple years back, and I was too hung up on my exmanfriend to give it a real go, and we just recently re-connected.

Great conversation, lots of laughing, and I felt 100% at ease from the moment he walked thru my door!

I felt like a lady the entire night...I can't remember the last time a guy took me out and made even the smallest effort to do so!

Even though we had a *cough* "history", he still kept it classy!!! He drove me home in the wee hours of the morning, and asked me on another date before giving me a hug and a few little kisses and went on his hour trek home....

I am kind of in love with the idea that he didn't assume that since we had gone further than this before, that "it" was not where our date was heading.

I didn't know guys like this even existed anymore?

He said the next day he wanted to see me again...SOON. I told him I felt the same way.

Dating mostly sucks...but sometimes you actually have a fun time!

Doggy Paddeling in the Dating Pool...

Dating is a lot of work in your late 30's! Especially online dating!

You email, you text, you talk, you decide not to meet.

You email, you text, you talk, you decide to actually meet, and then you decide to not talk to them again.

This whole process takes a lot of time! Lather, rinse, repeat! 

Turns out, I actually know this guy! And not in a "you shouldn't be dating this guy again" kinda way either!

He is a friend of a friend's husband, and we dated off and on a couple years back after one of my many ..many break ups with exmanfriend.

We met at a time in my life when I was not yet over the ex. we had fun, he treated me like a lady, we had great chemistry, laughs, the whole nine. At the time, I had expected to have the same deep feelings for him as I had for my ex...expected to jump right back into couple-dom and decided I wasn't getting "enough" even though I told him I only wanted to date casually

...plus, I was still hoping exmanfriend would realize the error of his ways.

You live and learn!

I've been relationship-less for a few years now, and I am finally open for something new! He said he had been thinking about me for a very long time. I admitted that the past few months I had been wondering about him as well.

He said he would LOVE to take me out, and to anywhere that I wanted. That is a lot of pressure! If someone is taking you out how do you decide the level of dining? Fast food? Retail Chain? Mom and Pop diner???? I left the dinner up to him.

He picked one of the nicest restaurants around. One I'd never been to. It was a lot of pressure!

No one has ever taken me to such a fancy place! Especially not for a first (or maybe 10th or so/second first) date!

I'm not complaining. It has been a very long time since I've been wined and dined!! I'm so excited to go on a date again, followed by a movie.. and I already know that we get along.

In true dating fashion, once I got another date, HS friend asked me out. I told him I was busy this weekend, and he asked if it was an internet date. I said "no, I actually know the guy in real life".  He wished me luck.

But in retrospect...that was kind of a mean thing to say after  not talking to me for a week, not seeing you for almost a month, and then asking me out two days before you want to go out with me! Right? I would love to go out again but I already had plans.

So..wish me luck!

On Realizing you really CAN let your ex go!...

So I had plans with exmanfriend to go see a band. I have seen him from time to time over the years after our break up. Yet,  I'm still "dating". Dating is what people who aren't in relationships do!

Exmanfriend had to cancel our plans the night before. We did talk about how we have been in contact over the years, and I mentioned how I never felt that he made any grand gesture to claim me, or try to get me back (for lack of better terms) and we did make plans to get together again the next time we were both available.

Being a single gal, not wanting to spend a Saturday night alone, I made other plans for that night  I planned to see the movie with a girlfriend because we both read the books, and I was available now!

Next morning, I had a text from exmanfriend way before I woke up it said he felt better and could our plans still go on, but if not, no big deal. The next text said something cryptic about opening my front door slowly, which didn't register. I was just honest and text him I had made alternate plans.

This morning I was rushing off to meet someone new for coffee.

When I opened my door, to rush off for my coffee date, there was a boquet of flowers!! First thing I think is...what the heck? Did I tell coffee guy where I lived, and if so, should I be meeting him after this?.

I'm halfway to Starbucks in the car when it occurs to me that exmanfriend mentioned something about opening my front door slowly. And I think...did he actually make the effort to bring me flowers? (he never got me flowers while we were dating so I was thinking...it was adorable)

So I sent him a text before I arrived..."did you come over here?" And he said no, why do I ask? So then I think, then who left me flowers? Maybe it wasn't him? If it was, why not say so?

Being courteous, I didn't check my phone on my date.

While I had a close to 7 hour phone conversation with coffee guy the previous night, the whole time of our meeting I was thinking..."do I want him to kiss me?" and the answer was No! So, the chemistry wasn't there for me at all. I was glad that I had plans with a girlfriend, and a reason to cut out early.

Upon leaving...I read a text message sent only about 20 minutes after the last one from exmanfriend, that bottom line said, that he knew I had moved on, and to delete his number, and he would delete mine.

eeeeh...Huh? 

After the fact, there is a billion things I wished I'd have said, and still want to say but wont.

My only response could be that I would honor his request. And he thanked me.

I never got a real confirmation on where the flowers came from, not like there are a million options,  but I  I am enjoying them, they are beautiful! Girls love flowers!

Wouldn't it be nice if all it took was deleting a phone number to make you forget about someone?

In the end..just like that, in a matter of hours, he showed me that still after all of these years, he cannot commit to me. Sure, he'd been showing me for years, but I only wanted to hold on to the way that he was super good at pretending that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, all the while skeeving around behind my back.

I didn't want to remember that he really crushed my heart.

Lucky for me, I finally have the closure I have always needed!

How My Date Went..

So, aside from my two one time dates with some internet winners, I haven't been out with a new guy in a really...really long time.

Sure, I have gone out with exmanfriend a few times over the past couple of years but I don't think that counts since did in fact break my heart via a letter.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous, but not the 2013 nervous...the 2014 me is suppose to be spontaneous, and try new things, and that...I did!

He was running late, and as any respectable lady (with a DUI under her belt) would assume, I thought he would be picking me up. When we talked it was decided that I had to meet him so we could make it on time.

In about the first hour I already decided that maybe I liked him. He was easy to talk to, and made me laugh. We had a two hour window after the wedding before the reception, so we went to the winery. He seems to be just as open as I am, so of course, we had a  really good conversation. I was starting to think this was going to be a fun night.

At the wedding, I told him he is like a local celebrity, he seems to know everyone. I said "I think I know like five people in real life". The venue was on the lake, so we went down to the water and sat at a picnic table and had drinks, and talked for hours...turns out, we missed the entire wedding. Dancing. Dinner. Cake. Boquet toss...the whole nine.

I told him that I had expected to have fun, but in the back of my mind, I didn't think I would like him as much as I did. I had the same high school mentality that he was kind of a jerk, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised!

And then, there was kissing...and he is a really good kisser.

After the wedding we went out to some bars, and long story short, we were up until about 6 in the morning! Two days later, I am realizing, that a 38 year old woman does not stay up until 6 am because I am still feeling very rough!

What happened next? We did spend some time together the next day, and we went to lunch. But the moral of the story is, he has been hung up on his ex for well over 10 years. I think he is me up until a year ago.

I told him I know far too well what it is like to have trouble getting over an ex, and so I wasn't going to expect anything to happen in the future. Do I hope it will? Of course!  I would love to go out again, but what is meant to be, will be!

The 2014 me decided to be honest and tell him the next night before he left that I was thinking about him. I figure I have nothing to lose, except for regretting not saying what was on my mind at the time.

At the very least I put myself out there, I opened up, and had an amazing time.

I May Be an Official Re-Virgin...

I just love the dating scene....said no one over 21, ever!

I am not ashamed to say that while dating here and there, I have been celibate for 17 months. Good Godfrey in writing it seems even longer!!

I say celibate, because it sounds more like a decision vs. an affliction. Which...I guess it is, because if all I wanted was sex, I could certainly make that happen, right?

The last time was with exmanfriend. Someone that while I was not in a relationship with at the time, I once deeply loved, so it seemed perfectly OK. Now,  the thought of just tossing it away after all of this time seems silly. After you go for so long without being intimate, your goods turn back into a gift again.

While I have not lost the desire for sex, the thought of waiting gets easier the longer I wait. I have the most amazing dreams about sex with the most random people in my life, which is quite amusing.

That being said, I have yet to find those "fireworks" again, and I'm holding out until I do! (I think...) And despite the long cold spell...I still want it all. Nothing less!

Plus, it's going to take a very special man to understand that while I may love spooning, I would never make my Mr. Magoo get out from in between us in the bed.

I mean, just look at him. He's so completely worthy of a double spoon!!

Cinderella Had One Thing Right...

My record stay here in singlehood, (we're going on years now people) has really forced me to take a look at myself. I think that's probably why I'm still single. I haven't figured my "stuff" out yet.

Why is it you can know what you want...but lack the ability to find it?

When I want a good running shoe, I try several on, jog around a bit, and instantly know if it is a good fit. I make the decision rather quickly, with no hard feelings about all those shoes left behind. I don't second guess my choice, I know it's the right shoe. I leave happily with my new shoes, and life is good.

Why do we choose to try on relationships that we know don't fit?

I had a few boyfriends before I met the ex husband my junior year of high school. None of them were right for me. And I knew he wasn't right for me either. But I still married him. At that time, youth made me believe he would change....for me. Well, that was a dumb idea.

I went from a bad marriage to a worse relationship. It was even more abusive, and yet, I had a really hard time leaving it. A dear friend MADE me leave and put me up until I found an apartment. So, ummm..yea, that one didn't work out for me either.

The next one treated me like gold. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him, but I still moved in with him because he was the first man who was good to me. He seemed "normal".  His parent's were still happily married. He seemed to have his "shit" together. But, inevitably, we grew apart, and that didn't work.

The rest has been played out via my blog. I met another guy and by then. I  thought I had my shit together too. As in...I wasn't living with another guy until we were engaged. So he saved up enough money to get me a ring, propose, and move in to mooch off of me for a year, while I supported him. He worked and stole just enough to support his drug habit. Fail.

Enter exmanfriend. The end all be all of my relationship highs and lows. I'd never felt the way I felt about him,   about ANYONE and he made me feel cherished. I thought the world of that guy, and for the first time in 30+ years, I thought I'd found the one. I was myself. Nothing was forced. I wasn't pretending, this is what it is suppose to feel like! Except, he just  wasn't in the same place as me, and we all know how that one ended.  

It kinda messed me up for a long while. For the first time I not only knew what I wanted on paper, but I knew how I wanted to feel when I was with someone.

And now, here we are. Dating, and thinking I've found one good one after another, only to not have any of the feelings I expect to have. I still haven't found "it". And it's hard for the guys to understand. You know, the "feeling" part. We can get along, and have loads in common, but I am looking for fireworks And I'm not into wasting my time if I don't feel them.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being irrational, and expecting too much, but I've grown enough since exmanfriend to not compare people to "him" anymore. And simply hold the people I date to a higher standard.

And that's where the shoes come in. I have to believe, that just like I know what a good fitting shoe feels like, so will I know what a good fitting relationship feels like.

I'm tired of tight, pinchy shoes that give me blisters.

Just as I've grown as a runner to value my feet enough to put some effort into the perfect shoe...so do I value my heart enough to put some effort into finding the right partner for my life.

Accepting this scenerio, has made being single seem less like an affliction, and more like a choice.

I'm Still Trying to Move On...

It's taking me a lot of time for me to get over my ex. Like, 3 years long. Riddled with seeing him off and on here and there, and half-heartedly trying to date a couple of people. I was holding on to the delusion that things were as I perceived them. But, they weren't that way at all.

Yes, I thought he was really sweet to me, and made me feel like a million bucks when we were together, and I'd never felt that kind of connection before. But it took all this time to realize....he just didn't feel the same way as I did.

But, actions speak louder than words. If you really love and adore someone, you don't cheat on them. And you don't say you are going to move in with them, and start to move your things in, only to take them all back home while your girlfriend is at work, and leave her a note.

Duh.

So, I diverted my attention to me. Best decision ever!  I lost a lot of weight, and accomplished so many fitness firsts!

But what I gained was priceless. For the first time in my 37 years I have decided I'm done with settling! And Being single is far more attractive than being unhappy.

And, maybe I've  finally met someone worth mentioning..I still don't know where things will lead. But for the first time in a lot of years, and a lot of online dating mishaps, I am excited about a new prospect.

And all it took was letting go.

Out With The Old...But...I Didn't Mind The Old..

I have been "single" for more than just this past year, but for the first time in a very long time, I actually focused on me in 2012. I stopped waiting to do a lot of things I had always thought I would do, because I wanted "someone else" to catch up and be in the same "place" as I was. I stopped wishing for what might have been, and started embracing what "is".

I stopped using the phrase "when I met the right person I will...." and did whatever it was I wanted to do, on my own.

I can't say that I am completely over exmanfriend, but I have come to the realization that while I have continued to grow both in and out of our relationship, he is still stuck in the same place, unwilling to move foreward. I know that it's something that will not change, and that makes it easier to picture my future without him.

I had a fabulous 2012. From marathons, to buying new furniture, to realizing that I am in fact, a pretty amazing girl, who deserves everything her little heart desires, and settling is not an option.

I can't say that I'm happy to see 2012 go. I had one of the best years I've had in a very long time, and all it took was being true to myself.

I hope you all had a spectacular 2012, and if it was hard, I hope you can take away the lesson in the hardship.

Here's to new beginnings. Bring on 2013!!

Singular for Christmas...

It's my second single Christmas. My third if you count the time me and exmanfriend tried to get back together for 2 months...

All I can really say now, is it's kinda great.

I don't have to rush around, or split my time with my family up with time with someone else's. I don't have to stress out about what to get which members of the other person's family, or a boyfriend.. and I save a lot of money.

Unless you consider the fact that I spend that extra money on bottles of wine, and crash out drunk in my Moms spare bed with my dog. And... that extra time I have is spent taking stupid pictures of my pets.

Oh, well..I still think I'm awesome!

Merry Christmas, internets! I hope it is filled with love, and happiness, and that you get everything your hearts desire!

Rockin 37...

I played this about 10 times while dancing around with my girlfriends...I'm totally an adult!


Well, helloooooo, 37!!! No longer in my early or mid-thirties, I'm hanging out on the "late side". But, as I tell my younger friends, life gets so much better with age! I wouldn't trade a number for how much more I get to know myself with each day, it's (maybe) worth the wrinkles I'm starting to get. (but I'm not above botox in the next couple of years....)

Alot was great about this birthday.

I renewed my license. And for the first time since I was 21, I gave my ACTUAL weight!! I also finally got a new picture to match the new me! I was so super excited about this accomplishment, it made all the sacrifices and trips to the gym so worth it.

The next day I had my girlfriends over to my casa for wine, cheese, and a hell of a good time! Not only did everyone bring their favorite bottles to share, but I got a pretty sweet private stock for my bar! I also got some other gifts, including, but not limited to, a hello kitty gingerbread house kit, and a fancy bedazzled wine glass that holds almost a full bottle. (my friends know me so well!)

I bought a bottle of the first wine that I had on my first date with exmanfriend. Because I loved it. And I wanted to associate it with a new memory. Best decision ever. We laid to rest a painful memory, and made a new one, complete with a positive toast!

I was so excited, and grateful that my girlfriends could all make it. Being a December baby means contending with holiday parties, and family, but my best friends always make time for me, and I feel truely blessed for that!

We spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to take group photos. Setting up the auto picture, after long deliberation about poses, was a billion laughs. There were mostly shots of my back running for my position in the picture. We got a couple good ones out of the 20 we took.

The night progressed with dancing at my favorite gay bar. We danced and sang to "Like a Prayer" like it was our jobs, which I later professed was just as fun as seeing my idol sing it live last month!

The moral of the story is, you are only as old as you feel. And I feel pretty damned good!  It's all about embracing your life, doing what you love, and above all else....laughter! That is what keeps you young!

And maybe wine helps. I think the alchohol content pickles you from the inside, and helps with keeping you look amazing...but what do I know?

Even Mr. Magoo was caught hitting the bottle...

 

We All Love...

Sometimes you have a bad day at work, and  then, everything starts to feel bad, and you can no longer keep up a strong front.

"I'm no spring chicken.  I thought I'd own my own home by now. Why don't I have a significant savings? What if I wind up alone and a ward of the state when I am old, without a hand to hold, or even my cats to comfort me? I am such a good person with a big heart, why am I still alone?"

And then I heard a song that made me remember feelings I thought I had forgotten, so then...I sobbed the entire drive home.





After my good cry...I came home. To an apartment that I love, and pets that I adore. I had friends to talk to, and a family that would listen to my endless tales about times gone by.

Mr. Magoo shows off his only front tooth alot. I also captured his one good eye in this shot. 

It's ok to still hurt. It only means I am still not ready to move on. Which is OK. We all have our own demons to face before we find our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I have not yet become bitter about love. I still love it and all that it represents. I still feel optimistic that I am going to have that amazing feeling again. I just refuse to settle for someone. I want "the one". I have plenty of prospects, and dates, and guys that like me, but really....it means nothing to me. I want so much more than that. I could settle down, but I refuse to "settle". None of them light my fire.

"Everyone says love hurts, but this is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again" -Greg Braden

Dating is Ok...

As I like to tell my only other single girlfriend....when we feel sad about not being in "a relationship" or "where we thought we would be" at this point of our lives....our married, and or friends with kids are far more jealous of our single girl status, than we are of theirs. So, we need to embrace every moment while we have it!

I've been on a few dates with a guy over the last couple months. I have been keeping it low-key so as to not be like "the girl who cried love". Not that the "L" word is a factor. But you get to dating people, and get your hopes up and start jumping to conclusions, and I'm trying not to do that this time. Slow and steady wins the race.

Novel idea, I am just dating the person for the sake of dating. Going out, having fun, and whatever happens, happens. For the first time in a very long time, I'm quite content with my single-girl status, so the idea of not being overly gung-ho is quite easy. I got my own thing going on, and going on dates are just a bonus to my already awesome life.

Welcome to your mid-thirties!!

When we are together, it feels like it is just us, and that's all any girl can ask for when just "dating" someone.

We went dancing a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember the last time I was dancing with a boy....probably several years back with exmanfriend. It was a blast. I didn't even care that I was so sweaty, it looked like I was caught in a rainstorm...and neither did he.

At one point,  Michael Jackson's "don't stop til you get enough"...came on..which I happen to have a dance routine to from my hip hop cardio class, and I sooooooo wanted to get out on the floor and cut a rug...but at that point, we were seated at the bar, and he said he was having fun flirting with me. Thank God, I don't know what would've happened had I tried to break it down on the dance floor, solo!! Vodka...I love it!

This weekend we took in a winery, and had our own table down on the lawn away from the crowd, and got to see some fireworks. (not just the ones we may have created from kissing....watchout!) 

I missed enjoying someones company, and not just looking forward to the moment when they leave so I can go about my business. I like sharing my business with someone else, if it's the right someone.

And, it was nice to tap into his god given talent as a man, to master my new DVR box for me, and got my remote to work on all my electronics. (I was unable to watch DVD's...I could NOT figure out how to toggle the TV...don't judge!!) (I'll never understand why this comes so easily to men....???)

We are going to see each other again, and are talking about planning a camping trip. I havn't been "real" camping in YEARS, and I SO love it!!

This weeks focus, however, is to get in all the miles I can, so I can get an awesome 5k time on my Friday night race downtown!! I can't wait!!

Self Esteeem

I have kept in touch with exactly two of my exes in my whole life. One has been since we broke up back in 1999. It's been different thru the years, friends, friends with benefits, friends, we just never lost contact.


When I met exmanfriend, I changed the rules, it was 3 years of him wanting to see me, and my firm answer of no. Every few months he'd check in. and I'd say I had never been happier. I couldn't see myself without exmanfriend in my life, so the benefits are not on the horizon.

Now, said ex is getting married. For some reason his upcoming nuptuals, and my single-ness have spurred his interest in having friendly benefits with me again. "one last time" as if it is perfectly OK, because I am single.

I try to be a friend and tell him he shouldn't marry someone he doesn't think he will be happy with, and is trying so desperately to cheat on, but he thinks one last "hurrah" is going to make his lifetime of matrimony better, because, through the years, I've been there. 

But what about me? I am so not the girl that will settle for a romp with an ex just because they want to. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it anytime, with a single guy...hello, I'm a girl!

I am a firm believer in karma. What goes around, comes around.

I don't need that bad karma in my life, I have had enough bad luck in relationships!

Recently, said ex needed to buy a quick used phone from the same provider I have, and I happened to have a perfectly good phone, and the need of some fast money, so I said I'd sell it to him.

We met up for the business transaction, and I got such a great satisfaction at the fact that he couldn't believe how well I've aged, and how amazing I looked. I don't care how it may sound, it never gets old to hear an ex talk about how they messed up by letting you go because you are such a great person, and how good you look, no matter how little interest you have in them. Score one for me.


I listened to the crap about how I deserved to be happy, and how some day I will be getting married too. I couldn't help but respond with "I know what I deserve, and I will marry the man of my dreams, and when that happens, I'll never for a second think about cheating on him".

For the first time in a long time, it felt good to make decisions based on what I want, and not what I thought I deserved. I know what is coming my way, so long as I stay true to myself.

In the meantime, I'll be over here, swimming in my crystal clear karma pool, waiting for the future Mr. Me to show up, and knock my socks off!

Rejoining the Real World after My "50 Shades of Grey Getaway"....

 I spent my weekend on zero sleep. 50 shades of addicted, I was. I don't remember the last time I was so tired, and sleep deprived, that  I could not sleep.  I kept waking up to thoughts of Christian Grey. So I read more....I finished the series this afternoon, (3 books in 4 days/nights) so I can now resume life in the real world! (and get some rest!)

I'm all about commitment...so when I set out on this fifty shades journey, I knew I would finish it. 

I never thought I would relate to so many aspects of this relationship, given the reputation of this series. (of course, not ALL aspects...ahem...)

But, what can I say? I. Just. Love. Love!! Unattainable, unrelenting, and unrealistic? Maybe, but that's why we have books and movies, isn't it??!! As the tale unfolded, it caused me to revisit old feelings that I have kept bottled up. Not just  the spicy sex stuff...more so, the being "so in love you would do anything for a person" stuff.

I shed more tears while reading these books, than I have in a very long time. We are all damaged in some way. Sometimes when you are in love, you understand that more about the other person than they do. I so related to Ana's frustration with her fifty shades.

Anastasia, to me, is a heroine. I just loved her unconditional love of fifty, and her gentle understanding, and patience with him, despite his posessiveness, and need for, well....um....control.  I loved to watch this relationship change, as they both gave way to compromise, to be together.(true fiction!)

A woman after my own heart, indeed!

These books allowed me to mourn for what I miss so much...my love..I needed that, after all this time without him.. Who knew that a practically pornographic love story would bring up all my junk that I've tried to stifle??? And for most people who "get" this trilogy, it is just that...a love story.

I did, however, leave the house for  2 hours, for a much needed smoothie (my gaping tooth wound is still sensetive, so I can't really eat much) and I went to visit the local pet adoption expo.

I got caught up at the greyhound rescue, petting these sweet creatures..when...

 Mr. Magoo helped himself to their inviting pool.

And then he decided he was staying. 

I'm off to sleep after a mid-afternoon martini. I have been without sleep for so long, that I stopped being tired! I am hoping the vodka may take over, and guide me to sleep..

This song is a beautiful remake. It was on the playlist for 50 Shades series, compiled by the author. And it just tugs at my heartstrings...over, and over...

**You can find the complete youtube playlists for all three books at the Author's website under Music.

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort


I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!


Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.


Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

I'm Still Swimming in the Dating Pond..

I was called over to a coworkers desk during a lull today. She started asking me about dating. Since I'm the only single girl in the department that is actively dating, its fun for them to keep up with my goings on.

"Have you heard from schoolfriend after breaking it off?"

No.

"What about..?"...(making a gesture to signify someone I dated..)

No.

"Have you heard anything more from that one guy you met recently?"

"No, but he did tell me to call him if I was still alive, since I had to cancel our date due to the flu, but I didn't feel like calling him back"

"What about TDH?, anything more from him?"

"No, I quit responding to his texts, because any opportunity for conversation turned into wanting to know why I didn't want to date him exclusively, no matter how many times I said it wasn't happening for me."

"Has (an ex from a gazillion years a go that has recently turned up again, along with his fiance and 3 kids....some things never change) called you again?"

"No, I told him that I have more self esteem than to stoop to screwing around with someone else's baby-daddy."

After my inquisition, I thanked coworker for reminding me of my long strand of bad dates this this past year.

Isn't this suppose to be fun? Aren't your 30's suppose to be your PRIME?

I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to find the future Mr. Me while I still have all my teeth, and the ability to hilight away any gray hairs. Before I lose my charming girl next door looks, and the ability to wear a tank with a built in bra....without a bra.

I havn't given up on love. Quite the contrary. I am actually, just a woman that knows exactly what she wants. Looking for her little tadpole in the dating pond, who knows what he wants too.

The tadpole, that wants to swim around with me in the scummy dating pond, until we decide to become frogs...together.

And besides, what I want can't be put on paper. It can't be explained. I don't even know what to say to people when they ask me.

It's a feeling....

A knowing....

A spark....

As long as I don't settle, I know that it will come into my life.

Here's to endless optimism, and a true belief in happy endings!

A Boring, Domestic Post...

I didn't win the Mega Millions. So didn't about 800 billion people. I guess that's OK, because having to work for things, and struggle at times, has made me the person I am today, and I kinda like her....(insert cheesy smile)

Plus, knowing that I get to see Madonna in November....kinda makes every crappy thing in life seem less crappy!

I am feeling better since my brush with the near-death flu. I didn't work full days when I did go back to work. I tried, but they sent me home, because I looked too sick. Gee... thanks?

So I sprung into action this weekend. I had no plans. Sometimes this is just what the Dr. ordered. I spent my Saturday purging my house of crap I had held onto needlessly. For instance, I threw away exactly 15 pairs of running shoes.

I have the hardest time letting the shoes go, simply because they have met their mileage. They still looked perfectly new!

In the end, I wound up with a ginormous trash bin full of crap that I had been afraid to throw out for one reason or another. Some of it was exmanfriend related. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was multiplying! It seems like every time I do laundry there is a sock, or each time I clean a drawer, there is a pair of boxers.

If I knew why I (maybe subconsiously?) held on to these useless things of his, I'd be selling books, instead of still being single, and searching for my happily ever after!

In spite of it all, I wiped down walls, baseboards, scrubbed the fridge, cleaned cabinets, pantry, swept the basement, and shared back porch...and finally, got rid of 7 sizes of clothes I'll never, ever, fit into again!! This is about the third purging of clothes I've done, and I hope it's the last.

I feel so free now!

My cash money bonus at work, is on the horizon... so...a new bed and a new couch will be mine in no time!

Not to mention new summer clothes for the new summer me, to fill up all that empty space!

Spring is all about new beginnings.

Man...I feel like a woman!

Woodwork...

I'll never understand that boy radar. You know, the one that they have that goes on red alert when you are either happy, or seeing someone else?

Surely someone could harness this power for some sort of good? Instead of making it cause them to remember "oh...I fucked up....she seems to be doing really well, I should totally call her!"

I got some texts today from some exes. One was of oh....13 or so years, to tell me that he saw me on FB, and obviously I had been hitting the gym pretty hard, and I am looking really good. I won't lie, it did make me smile a bit. In the "you're loss, buddy" category.

What didn't make me smile, was that he is now living with his fiance, and has 3 kids with her. I see some things never change. Still seeing whats out there while pretending to be happy.

I just responded "yes I have, thank you, say hello to your fiance, and kids for me!" And ignored all future texts in response.

Maybe I am not fully together emotionally, but I will NEVER be "THAT GIRL". That girl ruined many of my relationships, along with the assholes that partook in the "thatting" of the girl.

I may not have found him yet, but the right one is out there for me, and he sure as hell does not have a fiance, and kids at home.

Then, TDH texted me today to "see how I was doing" and "did I want to get together to talk" or "am I not even interested anymore". It's been a few months since I broke things off with him, "to get over my ex".

When I broke things off, I told him I needed time...to "do my own thing"....the least I could do is talk to him and explain where I am at this point in my life. He didn't do anything wrong, other than fall for a girl who didn't have an available heart to give.

I think until I can be with a guy that is seemingly awesome, not afraid of committment, and is super sweet to me....and not think about how he isn't exmanfriend, I'm no good for anyone.

I've also pumped the brakes on the development with school friend for the same reason. Yes, things are going well, but no, I am not ready for a full on relationship yet. I don't wanna end up being someone I hate, that hurts people. So we are dialing it back a bit. We are still going to talk, and date.

I'm trying...but with baby steps.

The best part is that he is so understanding of that, and not wanting to mess things up with us, that it doesn't even phase him.

Where there are still gentlemen..

My date was pretty nice this past weekend! We went on over an hour trek to a delicious winery. Our dinner reservation was at 6:30 so he picked me up at 4.

He brought me beautiful yellow roses. Do guys still do that? Yes....yes they do!

I don't remember the last time I got flowers, but it was probably at least as far back as 2005. I'm sorry...I did get a rose from exmanfriend's brother one night at a bar from the rose guy. Yes...his brother.

But, it made me smile that he went to the extra effort to do something like that. And, from a real florist at that, wrapped up with a bow and everything! Not even gas station flowers!!

Super sweet.

We did a wine tasting before dinner, where we got to try a list of 8 wines! Then, we did another list! You got to keep your glasses too, so now I have a nice set of four from our first date, and a slew of new wines to like!!

We were seated by the fireplace, overlooking the water, it was pretty romantic! We got a bottle of wine that I got to choose for us, and had an amazing meal, and great conversation! I got chicken, broccoli, and a side of fettucini (oh how I missed fettucini!) I did limit myself to just "tasting" the bread and oil...but it was soooo worth the taste!

It's been so long since I had any man treat me as though I am a valuable lady, that I almost didn't know how to act. I was very shy. Getting to make choices, without worrying about what he would think about it, because it was "whatever I wanted", because "you deserve to be treated this way".

Huh?!?