"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Baby Steps....

I don't really know what baby steps are. I am big into rushing things. Balls out. Running. Falling fast, falling hard. It's hard for me to conceive this "taking it slow thing" is really good for anyone, but "they" always say its good to do something different. I guess slow means its thought out. Slow means not doing what scares you until you are ready.

Slow probably also means...not saying you will move in, bringing your crap, and then moving it out while I'm working either.

This past weekend I felt a bit snubbed by the new guy because things weren't as I had expected them to be. You know...spending days upon days together. Of course nothing was wrong, but I had to start thinking what if's. I wasn't nearly as jam packed with friends this weekend, I spent time garage saling (for my vacay drinking money) and at home...SOBER (gasp). I think that made the fact that we didn't talk much..even more prevalent.

I threw around the idea of telling him I missed him. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if it scares him?
I had to remind myself, that myself missed him, and myself would tell him, and I had to let me be me, and not worry about what people think or say, cus then I'm not being me, I'm being scared... and just send the fucking message already. So I did.

We got together, and..he said he liked my message. I told him the whole me being me talk I had with myself. He also liked that. We talked about some of his apprehensions with "us". He really wants a family, and while we're not there yet, he wants to be sure the person he is serious about wants a family. He was pretty cute describing how he always wanted to provide for his family, and that's what he feels he is here for. His parents are still married. (what?) And when I said how the whole birth thing scares me, and how it would interfere w/my boob job, instead of agreeing it was a good idea, he told me he liked them how they are.

Which reminded me of Bridget Jones Diary when Mark Darcy likes her just as she is.....I want a Mark Darcy!

I told him how I havn't had a good family model. Being a single mom scares me. Struggling. No sleep. (what?) I told him I've gotten to the point with two people where I thought about a family.

The ex husband.
And exassholemanfriend.

Only two people I loved enough to spawn their demon seed for.

We talked about how hard it is to go from having a sexual relationship, to a real relationship. Its backwards. We skipped the dating part. He kept saying we need to take baby steps. I'm ok with that. Moving slow is definatly something I should learn more about.

The night ended with couch snuggling, and forehead kisses (awwwwe) and I must say in that moment I was content, smiling on the inside and the outside.

So of course I had a dream that exassholemanfriend sent me a summons to court over stuff he left at my apartment like, night vision goggles, and sued me for 9 grand. Then decided that instead maybe we could talk, cus he thought I might be lonley.

Just like him, once I am happy, to come back and fuck it all up. Even if its in my dreams. The difference is, this time, I'm not letting him.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Suck Balls...

So I noticed since I've been mobile that my facebook updates are less and less. Well that is because exassholemanfriends friends all unfriended me.

Its really no love loss.

He's carting around that new skanky hoebag to his family and friends, and the kicker is they dont even like her. The truth is, I never solicited information about that hoebag and him, people tell me. So, they can unfriend me. I really understand, because you always lose something in a break up. What did she gain...a guy who is dating her, and lurking around on dating sites behind her back.

Classic. She's a classy chick so thats what she gets.

It does makes me smile on the inside. I know I am not missing a thing. A man who can't stay faithful, and doesn't realize a good thing when he has it. Who dumped me because he was afraid to be happy.

So things I guess are progressing with the new guy. He said hes been single for so long because he hasnt found someone he clicks with. To me, this translates into, when he finds what he has been looking for, he will hold on to it, and not toss it aside because she lives too far away and he's afraid to move forward. (I don't, by the way, live too far away, ten minutes...)

He knows love doesn't come around every corner, and when you make a connection with someone, it means something. Maybe.

Living with a good heart, and compassion will always pay off. It's the law of attraction, and I put my 100% belief into it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Being fat was better in ways...

Firstively..I'm mobile. I am working my way through adding all my fave blogs to google reader so I can now be on the up and up all the time. How awesome is being in the millenium 10 years late?

Pretty awesome!

Secondly, I've decided I need a tummy tuck. But not yet. Maybe after 20 more lbs. Because here is my when I was fat list:

I didn't have nearly as many wrinkles.
I didn't have cellulite
I didn't have boys i don't like, hit on me
I didn't have a stretched out stomach that looks like i gave birth to sextuplets
I didn't have incredible shrinking boobs
I didn't have boobs that I fear will become pancakes

And on the other side:

I couldn't run 4 miles a day
I didn't feel as happy
I wasn't the me I know and love

Which list is better? Maybe my pro fat list is too superficial?

This all came about because I was hanging with new guy last night (who brought me a bottle of the Rossi..my favie wine mmmmm that boys racking up points not to mention he has the most kissable lips in the...) and we were talking about the progression of our relationship.

I said you know when we first hooked up, I was really fat? He claims not to remember, but you don't forget when someone was 75lbs heavier. I was pork and beans, cus I'm not slim jim right now.

The cute thing was he pretended that he didn't notice. But I know better.

I do feel better losing weight. But the physical aspects of it are hard to overlook. Its sickening that you can treat your body so bad for years, and it isn't forgiving at all when you get on the right track.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Simply, happy, and thankful for my place in this world. So many good things come disguised as bad. I am where i'm meant to be.

Friday, July 16, 2010

And suddently..it's serious...

Wednesday I attended the open house, and meditation for the Shambhala group, and bought a book to read on that particular type of buddhism, and I will definatley be back to learn more.

After that .....I met up with the new guy.

I told him all about my night at the center, and he said he'd never judge me for my beliefs and was open to listening to me, and it spiraled a huge discussion about religion, which turns out we are both passionate about different things, but not in an over the top I'm right kind of way, which is awesome. During which, we laughed, and were serious, and laughed, and kissed.

My favorite thing about a person, is the ability to make me laugh, and make me think all at once.

It then sparked a conversation all about how he hasnt had a girlfriend in 5 years, and it isn't because he isn't a catch, but because he hasn't found a girl worth dating. No one he is interested in talking to, or able to hold a conversation. He thinks theres a reason we've been in each others lives the last 4 years and have tried "dating", and I agreed.

So, I came out and asked if he was seeing anyone, I'm not, should I take down my online profile, yes, you should. (I wouldn't want to be a ((insert exassholemanfriends last name here)) and actively peruse my profile while I'm dating someone)

And just like that...it got serious. And exclusive. And honestly, I couldn't be happier. We both like the direction its going, and the pace, which is slow.

Everyone else in our lives thinks this is it for us, and have been telling us that all along. But our timing was always off. One of us wasn't ready when the other one was. At first, neither of us even wanted to be ready, it was strictly a FWB type deal.

This time, we both are.

I hairdryed his pants someone spilled a drink on at a party last weekend, and he mentioned to me during our talk how awesome that was for me to do. Awesome? That's nothing. This boy is gonna fall head over heels for me, cus I'm one hell of a girlfriend!

I bet it's kinda like that Survivor song, the search is over, love was right before my eyes....

How's that for taking it slow?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Data Flirting...

Boy: So..I was wondering if I still make you nervous?

Girl: You do, a little, But I never said it was a bad thing.

Boy: I know, I remember you said I made you nervous... because you liked me..so, it's just a little?

Girl: The nervousness is just a little, the rest is more than a little. =)

Boy: I'm glad it's more than a little.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I advocate drinking...

I had a pretty fantastic weekend. Friday I went to the river with the girls for the only "authorized" (whatever this means) Aerosmith cover band. We pregamed at my homestead which turned into my drinking a bottle of wine, two shots of vodka, and a pucker shot (bleh). When we made our way down to the stage and started dancing, we got two giant beers, canned.

After the show we hoisted one of my girlfriends on stage to get her pic taken with the fake steve perry, and tried to get the roadies to come up off some scarves from the mic stand.

Obviously, I had too much to drink, so it sounded like a great idea to go to this sub place by my house for a yummy cream cheese, turkey, and bacon bagel, oh...and a side of saurkraut balls. I mean if you are going to blow a diet go all out. And if you are going to drink...don't have saurkraut balls. It didn't sit well.

Saturday, I went to my old neighbors house for a party, and festival, which included fried cheese on a stick, and froze mudslide pudding shots. Um...yea, those are pretty much my new favorite thing in the entire universe besides cheese, bread, sex, and cats.

I also spent a lot of time with my old male friend, that I have been seeing here and there, and we had a great time together, and got some misunderstandings cleared up, about where we were/weren't/headed/been. Communication!

Then he msged me Sunday what a great time he had with me. I knew he liked me as more than a "friend", it was totally obvious that night. And, yes, I do too, but I'm afraid to rush into anything, and we arent.

I have so much fun with him, we make each other laugh, and he's so easy to be with, and he's super sweet. We'll see.

All in all a fantastic weekend. Where I think I only thought about that asshole ex of mine when I was swinging a giant axe at an end table at the party. Ya know, making firewood. It was very refreshing, I highly recommend it!

Friday, July 09, 2010

I love fairy tales!!...

Once upon a time there was a girl, who was putting her laundry away, not terribly long after having her heart ripped out by a MASShole. (I'm bringing this back!)

She came across a pair of his boxers, that she use to love to wear, and had since their very first week of dating.

Then, she went out of her way to wipe her ass with them before she threw them away. True story.

That girl, might need a lesson on...moving on, but I bet inside she felt pretty good for a second.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

You might not be "over it" if...

1) You picture bashing his face in

2) You picture running him over with your car

3) The thought of him fills you with rage

4) You wish his dick would fall off from some non disease realted issue (unless said issue was acquired after you broke up)

5) You come up with many -isms, and relate every bad person, or bad situation to his name in some way.

6) You dream on more than one occasion that you may have stuffed him in a trunk

7) You are happy he is dating someone, and cheating on them

8) You want to bash his face in. I said that? oh....

9) You found a pair of his boxers in your underwear drawer, and you actually went out of your way to wipe your ass with them before throwing them away.


I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad...

So, I should open up a pet sitting business. Seriously.

You know I booked my flight to the beach right? Oh, I havn't mentioned that?

Well you know, the universal law of attraction means, that you are suppose to not worry about things, and just do them, and the universe will make it "how" happen for you. So, once I got the money saved for my flight to see my sister at the beach (girls vacay-shun!!!) I thought oh, the rest will work itself out.

By "rest" I mean... who the hell is gonna watch my 6 pets??

Normally, I had a neighbor to let them out, but I have since moved away and trust no one in my apartment. Or, my Mom would take my dog...however, my evil Mom (hi mom, thanks for the free a/c for my bedroom *smile*!) has opted out this time, and that leaves me with no other choice but to hire a pet sitter. Because, boarding... is even more ridonkulous!

Its going to cost me more to hire a pet sitter than it is to fly my ass to the beach. In the air. On a giant plane, you know, that moves and uses jet fuel and everything, a petsitter costs more!

I have no idea what to do besides start calling in favors from all my friends and maybe try to have to hire a petsitter only a couple of the seven days.

Wish me luck. Cus my tickets are nonrefundable!

In closing, if you want to make a buttload of money, go into the petsitting business. I wish I would've hopped on that train a long time ago!

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

The Universe According to Me...

Long ago, I was lost. I wasn't who I am today, and I wasn't happy. Once I started on a path of self improvement, positive thinking, the law of attraction, and buddhism, things all changed for me.

Maybe we all just need something to believe in?

I really believe the mind is the source of all of our trouble, joy, and sadness. The one thought that opened me up to the power of the mind was of course, Wayne Dyer (whom I heart as a spiritual teacher) talking about memories. How powerful a memory can be that it makes you laugh, or cry years later, or makes you feel attached to a moment. Memories are nothing more than thoughts, yet they evoke those emotions.

Think about it. So is love. You can't hold love. It's a feeling, a thought, and is quite powerful.

So, bad thoughts have just as much power, this started me on my path towards positive thinking. Why waste time on negative thoughts? For the most part, I do well with this. I'm always complimented at work on my upbeat, positive outlook, and my ability to motivate others. I love that about myself.

But since the dumping, something has been missing. The love I felt for exmanfriend hasn't been replaced with love for anything else. And while I've always read about improving, I've always been alone on the journey.

Once I took a group meditation in Virginia, and it was the most amazing experience (almost orgasmic...true story) of my life.

Monday I was upset, and crying to the universe, that I am ready to let "this" (the exmanfriend bs) go, and I am open to love. I am ready to move on and put it behind me. I couldn't sleep, so I repeated these things over, and over as a mantra.

The next morning the first thing I googled was Akron Buddhism. And I found a local center close to my house, where I will be attending an orientation tonight.

And thus begins my new spiritual path with Shambhala buddhism, and Shambhala training.

Exmanfriend and I shared this interest, and read about it extensively, but we never followed up with it. He's a good bullshitter, and talker. I'm a doer, and I guess in a way I let him stifel that in me.

This is something that can come out of the wreckage of the break up. I can find my spirituality, and inner peace, and like minded people.

Without him.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Beer Goggles...

I had such an amazing weekend. Friday the drive in and dinner with the girls. Saturday shopping for myself (a size smaller top!). A spa party where I had my first manicure...ever (im so deprived). And a girls night out in the valley.

Sunday and Monday, recuperate. I didn't even go out Sunday night, I spent it with my Momma.

I woke up Sunday morning thinking I had so much fun. Me and a girlfriend were up until around 4 am after the bars, chatting. (eating taco bell...bye bye no carbs for 3 wks grrrr) Then I got a text message. From a number, I didn't have in my phone book.

"hey fizzgig, I hope you had a great night, I really enjoyed meeting you, have a great fourth" Oh yea, I met a boy. When we first got to the second bar, "jimmy" greeted us at the door. I'm pretty sure "jimmy" was like, 21 or something and kept bragging how buying us drinks was nothing to him. Whatever, Jimmy, thanks for the vodka and soda! Jimmy invited us to a party at his buddys amazing house, but we passed.

Later, an old coworker showed up with her boyfriend, and a friend. Ah, yes. This said friend, is the boy who texted me. His name? Still escapes me. I remember him mentioning coming home with me, even if jokingly, I didn't find it funny, and told him I'm not that kind of girl. He was nice, he walked me to the bathroom and stuff to make sure I was "safe". Obviously we had fun, and had some laughs. He bought me a couple drinks. But I didn't remember much else.

Pictures! I had my camera!

I'm not like, Jessica Alba or anything, but this guy? Uh....all I can say is beer goggles are a real and true thing. I'm all for dating people I don't find attractive, I'm not that shallow...but there has to be something. I think he was probably like in his mid 40s, and people think I'm 25.

On top of this guy, one of my brothers high school friends asked me out. The fact that none of this excites me, is a sure fired sign that I'm just not ready to move on yet. I don't want a rebound. I don't want a "right now". I want that feeling you get when someone you love, loves you back so much you can feel it through each others skin. I know it exists. I had it for a moment, but it was a lie.

I still cried over that asshole yesterday, for what he did to us. Mostly, because I had no idea he was such a complete and total shithead, and thought he loved me as much as I loved him. He fooled everyone, not just me. Completely and totally bamboozled.

How does one trust their judgment ever again? I don't want to be closed off from love, but it scares me.

Friday, July 02, 2010

As If I needed another reason...

So, obviously I dated a sociopath for years. They are good liars. This is my new word, thanks to Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. (Hi, I'm exmanfriend...Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Grandiose Sense of Self, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions, Need for Stimulation, Callousness/Lack of Empathy, Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature, Irresponsibility/Unreliability, Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity, Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle, Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them, Extreme narcissism)

Another reason to be thankful exmanfriend dumped me with that lame ass letter, is the fact that yes, he is dating this skank that he cheated on me with. (shocker!) who also had a boyfriend at the time. (she's one classy chick....obvy!) Who if I were childish, I'd post her picture so you could see how uncute she really is. (boys...why do you never trade UP???)

Even further, he is still active on our mutual dating sight, while parading said girlfriend around his friends and family.

If I didn't think she deserved to be strung along, and pummeled in the stomach with her own dear john letter one day when he finds what he "really wants" I would warn her.

But then, no one warned me. Sorry bout your luck!