My Compassionate Heart....

Tuesday, on my normal route to work thru the city, I came upon some slowed traffic. The closer I got, I saw what at first appeared to be smoke billowing around an SUV, I thought someone's radiator must've blown. When I crept closer, I saw it was not smoke.

It was fur.

Someone struck a deer. Not the norm on the city streets at all. I only saw the horrible image for about 2.2 seconds, as the doe struggled to get up, only to fall again, frantically trying to find safety, but obviously not going to live.

I immediately shielded my line of vision with my hand, so I could pass by, and just as instantly, out of nowhere...I started to sob. I have never seen a hurt animal in the flesh, intentional or otherwise. Especially now living in the city.

And I couldn't stop crying. My heart ached for that deer.When I got to my desk. I kept sobbing.

When the girls came to talk to me and saw I was upset, I felt a bit stupid saying I was fine, and telling them what had happened. But I can't apologize for being me. I was really shaken.

Yes, it was "just a deer". One of millions that are hit by cars, or shot by hunters on a daily basis. But to me, it was much more than that, it was a wounded soul. I thought about it all night. When I went to sleep, I prayed to the universe for peace from the image of the deer, so that I could put it to rest.

Then, this morning I woke up early to let out the dog. And I saw the most beautiful sight!

Look who chose my backyard to take a rest in! A beautiful deer!

I believe in the universe, and karma, and how everything happens for a reason. I knew deep down, that this wasn't random. It was an answer to my prayer. This deer was there to make my heart feel better.

I left home feeling a sense of peace, and rightness in the world!

And I had the best day! 

Psychic Friends...

My girlfriend and I took an hour trip to visit with a highly recommended psychic, for a spiritual reading. I am open to all sorts of new age-y things, and I have been to one or two that told me the oddest things that happened.

So today I found out a ton about myself. I had an astrology reading, a tarot card reading, and it was innermixed with some oddly random, but true things she pulled out of nowhere. The strangest was the comment about how I can't sleep at night, (which I can't, especially not in my own bed..) and I know I should be journaling. I have journaled daily since I was 12. Just the previous night I pulled out my recent journal and noticed I hadn't made an entry since July.

I need to meditate more often (I didn't tell her that I do this) and start Yoga to quiet my mind.

I have sunshine in my relationship house, which means that I am at my best in a relationship.....very un-saggitarious of me..

Despite the two hours of information I had received, one thing was the screaming elephant in the room.... I had not gotten over ex-manfriend. I still hold on to material things, and therefore, emotional things. I know this.

As hokey as it may sound, I am to burn these things, and say a prayer on the next full moon, and release them. I'm all about it!!

I had a spiritual epiphany today, and I cannot wait to see what the future brings me on all levels.

I will definatley be going back. After I have done the work I need to do, to get to the next step!

The only thing holding me back from my happily ever after, is me.

Home Sweet Home...

Well, I believe if you put things into the universe, they find their way to you. I said I wanted to buy a house this year. But I kept saying I'm not ready because I havn't saved any money. What if something breaks? Etc...Mostly, I'm afraid to hear that I can't get financed due to my past...(foreclosure, but it was over 10 years ago)

And then I went to my girlfriends to pick up a candle order, and noticed two houses down was for sale.

I kept thinking about it. It's in the same neighborhood I bought my house in when I was married, very decent, affordable, non-crackheady.

I took mom out over the weekend to see what she thought. Two car garage, fenced yard, giant front porch for sipping cocktails in my porch swing. Central a/c, remodeled kitchen, new furnace, new roof. Three bedrooms, one bath. 3 glorious stories for me and the fur herd.

So, whatever happens, happens - I'm taking a "step" toward my future. No more waiting on someone else to decide what they want before I make a move and that feels pretty damn good! Especially since I know that someone else couldn't find such an amazing deal on such a decked out house in that big city he refused to leave.

Boo-ya!

Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

Soul Mating...

Back in July, when me and the manfriend were on vacay, we attended a lecture on soul mates at the A.R.E. I've also read the book "Soul Mates, The New Age Guide to Finding your One True Love". I read that book when I had the same idea most people have. That a soul mate is the one person in the world who is meant for you to love. Which, if you think about, is really kind of sad. Why only one person to love? If you had your heart broken, and havn't looked back to say the person was a total loser (which, does happen) what does that mean? You lost your one true love and you will never have another?



I finished the book with quite another perception. A twin soul, as taught in the lecture, is the division of the soul out in the universe (or heaven if you so believe) before taking human form. There is a yin and a yang, and one usually takes on male characteristics, while the other, female.

You are not necessarily incarnated at the same time on the earth, nor are you destined to find one another. The ideal "soul mate" most people describe is actually a twin soul.



Soul mates, are everywhere. They are whomever comes into your life to teach you a lesson, that you need to learn. Boyfriends, husbands, friends, teachers, Moms, Dads. It's whoever you feel connected to beyond this world, which is hard to explain, but it's a feeling. They are put in your life to teach you lessons, and then they are gone.



The idea that there is one perfect person that completes you in the world, is sort of like the ounce of hope in all of us, something to strive for. "I know my someone is out there". Which is true, but you can't waste your life thinking that you have to find that one person who will complete you. Because different people will complete you at different points in your life.



Which goes my favorite analogy as related to me by one of my many counselors. The shoes. If you wear a size 8 shoe, and try to put on a size 6, it isn't going to fit. You can want it to fit, and fight it to fit, but it just doesn't fit. If you force it to fit, it will give you blisters, and make you uncomfortable (and yes, perhaps bitchy). Who's fault is it that the shoe doesn't fit?



Yours? Or the shoes?



It's neither's fault. The fault is in that it's not the right size shoe, and therefore did not fit. It's the same with relationships. You try them on for size and sometimes they don't fit.

So, when you find the right size shoe. You should put it on, and walk around in it. Enjoy the fit! There's a reason for it.

Cry Me A River...

It's not really in my nature, to wish evil on other people, or revel in their sadness. I left all that long ago when I left the crazy 23 year old girl who was out of control, and hated herself in the past.

So, no..it doesn't make me happy to hear that notsomuchamanfriend is regretful of his decision and wishes he didn't do it. But it also doesn't make me happy that he seems to not want to fix the problem. Him. He has to work thru some issues.

And I wonder why I still love him. I sent him a looooooong letter today. In it I stated that I do love him today. And tomorrow I'll feel what I'm meant to feel. I also stated that I'm unsure what he knows about me, but cant help but wonder if he knows more than he lets on and in the words of Beyonce "don't be mad cus you see that he want it" ..knows that I am with someone else.

I don't hate him. I should, by other peoples standards. But I have no place for it. I'm a very loving person, and that's part of me I'll never change. Holding grudges and hate is not a way to live. It holds you down and only hurts you. I wish that same peace for everyone!

I told him how his friends have told me that he had what they all wanted (not ME per se) and they envied him for it. I don't know many people that can say that.

If only he were regretful, and showed me....if only. But I have to push aside wishing anything, and just "be". In the moment.

"Be still and know, that I am love."

This is how I get to sleep each night. Repeating this over and over until I fall asleep so I don't have a billion thoughts about him in my head.

I believe in karma. I can't help wondering when mine will all catch up with me. I thought I found it. I thought he was it. But he was not ready for me. This is me. It's the me I love very much.

"oh juliet..when we made love you use to cry, you said youd love me like the stars above you'd love me til we die. There's a place for us, you know the movie song. When you gonna realize it's just that the timing was wrong" (Romeo and Juliet, Edwin McCain)

Timing. Maybe like a car I can get my timing belt replaced. It always seems to be off. We started on a path of enlightenment together but only I kept going.

Alot was said between us, and it's between us.

I saw new guy last night. New guy doesn't seem so keen on committment either. Nothings happened, but maybe my lesson is to learn that nobody is perfect. You have to choose the faults in others that you will be ok with.

I had fun with new guy. But, have I mentioned he's not manfriend? And the distraction is only temporary?

I think I've listened to this song 6,000 times today.

Which is the ultimate you cheated on me you sonofobitch song.

You were my sun

You were my earth

But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no

So you took a chance

Made other plans

Bet you didn't think that theyd come crashing down, no

You don't have to say what you did I already know I found out from him

Now theres no chance for you and me there'll never be

And don't it make you sad about it

You told me you loved me why did you leave me all alone?

Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone

Girl I refuse you must have me confused with some other guy

Your bridges were burned now its your turn to cry

Cry me a river....

Crack Is Wack...

This morning, a lady tapped on my window while I warmed up my car in my own driveway. She had silver duct tape on her mouth and motioned to me that she wanted my cigarette. I said "sorry last one" and rolled the window up. She removed the duct tape and said Please im desperate.

I backed out and left. I kept saying I have to go to work. Then I kept picturing the gypsy curse from "Drag Me to Hell". I don't think crack whores have gypsy demon powers though. Then I thought, what if it was Jesus testing my generosity. Then I remembered, I don't really believe in all that religion stuff. And if I thought there was a Jesus, he certainly wouldn't be asking for cigarettes. right? Your body is your temple or something? Seriously. Drugs make you a total fucking moron.

As illustrated by several of my ex boyfriends.

I msgd back and forth last night w/notsomuchamanfriend. We established a lot of things, except what he avoided was, my asking about the elephant in the room...what made him have an interest in someone else in the first place. All the breaking up may have been a mistake (duh) but what about the mistake of someone else? How bout that?

You know, ending a relationship with me for her? Remember? Hello? Cooking dinner for said skank, and not even taking me out for a drink anymore cus you had no money and I was understanding of your job-less state? Becaue you know, I love you, but she gets dinner?

So I told him today that until hes ready to have an honest conversation about it, theres nothing else to say. I don't know that it would help. But you have to be honest, right?

The new guy finally called me last night just to chat. Which was nice. But hes not the ex. And we've been thru all of that already. I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep thinking that people tell him to call me because he knows people I know. And it seems like whenever I'm fed up with not hearing from him he'll call. We have voice communication from time to time. Imagine that. He makes me laugh.

I really dont know what I'm doing. Did I mention that at all?

So.. I drank wine. I found the yummy wine that me and notsomuchamanfriend couldn't find together after looking and looking, that we had at a restaurant w/his parents. And I drank myself asleep.

Because, why does everything have to be about him? Every song. Every TV Show. Every movie. Every store. Every word. Every-THING.

I've been trying to think away thoughts about him, but I'm reading Understanding our mind by Tich naht hahn (also recommended by said notsomuchamanfriend. Every THING.) and it says you can't do that. You have to feel everything or it will always consume you.

I hate this.

I wish he would try harder to win me back. But maybe he'll make it easier to move on by not doing so. Why wouldn't he come see me? Or I dunno...call me on the phone? Write me a letter? Sing me a song? STAND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE AND PLAY IN YOUR EYES BY PETER GABRIEL ON YOUR 80'S BOOMBOX?? (of course, he might get accosted by the crackhead lady asking for smokes..)

He needs to make an effort, and prove he is sorry and that he wants more. Otherwise he's wasting my time, and preventing me from moving on. And being selfish! And I don't need any of that.

In the meantime I made a nice meditation area at home. I put my buddha head, and candles, and my living wisdom w/the Dalai Lama study cards there, and hooked up my mp3 player w/my speakers to play meditations. I get a card out and think on it each day. And it helps me a bit, at least for a few minutes I clear my head.

This week has been patience. Yea. Imagine that.

Time. Time. Time....

Like I said they always come back 2.0...

No sooner did I get a message from my ex husband, than I got one from notsomuchamanfriend.

Friday night I went out w/a girlfriend to have cocktails. Where I had free drinks all night because some guy spilled his vodka on me. It was down my back or I may have been suspicious. But he did buy me double vodka and sodas to make up for it! Score!

Around 11 we were talking and she said I should just call new guy cus I wanted to see him. So...I did. He was at home doing nothing. Kind of bothered me that he never asked me did I have plans for the wknd. Did I want to get together? But I was tipsy I didn't care.

I went over later, had some laughs. Stayed the night. In the morning he promptly woke up around 8 am and got up and started puttering around to start the day and said he had to go shopping.

I took that as my cue and did the walk of shame to my car. He did go see if he had salt to put out first, since it had snowed. But he didn't. Guess I overstayed my welcome. I dunno. I want to be wanted and needed. Maybe I'm just impatient.

When I got in my car, I had several messages on my celly from notsomuchamanfriend. How he made a stupid decision. He ended a good relationship. He was wrong. I'm a good woman. I only loved him and he pushed me away. Everything I, and you blog readers already know but he must have just realized.

He said he loved me.

Insert the waterworks here.

Insert confusion here.

Insert anger here.

Now, moving on. I told him that ironically I had just gotten a message from my ex husband about how he was sorry he let me go too. I said that he needs to find his happiness so when he is unhappy he doesn't mistakenly blame others for it.

And, if this had maybe happened in a few months, much easier? I don't know. I've kind of been ok with our break up, because I still love him. And I knew he would realize this sooner or later. But I don't like that we've been with other people you don't forget that.

Of course, I can't go running back. And..I am not a cheater. I don't like to hurt people. New guy deserves a fair shot. Notsomuchamanfriend has made no attempt to get back with me. Maybe he was just clearing his own conscience. Who knows.

I still don't know what happened with him and his interest. But obviously things didn't work out. And I couldn't just go back to the way things were with us. If he DID want to be with me he'd have to prove it. And he'd have to make some changes. Such as, not being afraid to move forward with me. I'm not going to run back and get shit on again. I really couldn't handle it.

All I do know, is that now I am back to that horrible panicked, stressed out feeling I had the whole time we got back together. Not knowing. And I don't want to feel that way.

I hope all this closure isn't pointing to something bad happening to me. gulp.

At Least I'm Not Betty Johnson...

Well I guess when you get into a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend who is totally in love with them, and they dump her for you, you might have some sort of issues with it. Although, you should know that going into it.

I had a party Saturday. There was a girl there who was a friend of a friend, who's name was lets say, Betty. The day after the party I posted pictures and had a friend request from Betty Johnson with no picture. I saw some of my friends had friended her, and I thought it was the Betty from my party. Maybe Johnson is Betty's maiden name. So I friended her too. Betty used one of my photos from the party as her profile picture. Then one of my girlfriends said..that's not Betty so and so, you guys friended the wrong person.

And mysteriously pictures of me and notsomuchamanfriend began popping back up on facebook. Pictures I had deleted but I suspect the dickface had not yet deleted cus he is lax in that sort of thing. I had to go thru all my "photos of me" which were retagged with both of us in them, and delete them.

It ticked me off so much I msgd dickface and said if you know who this Betty Johnson is, please handle it, you know I did nothing to deserve this, I'm minding my business, and I think its best everyone does. Blah blah.

He responded that maybe my account got hacked. The new privacy thing makes it easy to do. I said its funny that only me and my CLOSE friends were targeted, and only pictures of him and I were being tagged. Someone hacks your account, they mess with all your stuff. Not pictures of you and your ex that she stole from you.

I deletedBetty Johnson before checking her profile but Kat did...turns out she went to my high school, and was from my hometown, and cleveland and is in a relationship, and had similar hangouts from my area. Betty didn't have much else on her profile. But betty knew enough about me to try to make her profile similar. Betty wasnt a hacker. She is a jealous bitch who will never be me, cus me don't date boys with girlfriends.

I mean if she has issue with him, what does she expect? A good guy doesn't do what he did. You can't expect things to be peas and carrots. And if he's dating someone that blatently immature I hope he gets all that he deserves. Which is to be miserable because he spread misery into my life for no reason at all.

He didn't get that its the skank he's seeing. I think its obvious. He said "maybe its someone we know im not trying to dig". Yea, like my new guy would go thru all that trouble, and he has no access to photos of us cus he isnt notsomuchamanfriends friend.

I just strive to live a drama free life. And I was dumped w/o reason. I am the one who should be pissed, yet I'm minding my own business, and being harassed.

I reported the bitch to facebook and blocked her, and all my friends unfriended her, but it was a lot of undue stress for me. I'm trying to live my life, pick up the peices, and move on.

It's very difficult to keep positive thoughts in my head when I keep thinking how much I hate him and now this bitch. I have to constantly turn it into a positive, and its causing my mind to go numb. I am trying. I'm a good person, and I wont let this horrible situation ruin or change me back into someone I dislike.

Eye on the prize. Karma will get them. I don't have to do a thing to help it along. Ommmmm...

OK..Maybe Sex in the City...

I am off work for five days. So last night I settled in with a paintbrush, which is what I do anymore. I paint my furniture white. It takes for. ev. er.

I got a text from the new guy asking what I was up to. I said I was just painting, what are you up to...

He responded he was going home from work, and coming to see me?

I told him I would like that. He asked could he bring anything. I said...wine?

He called me for directions, and the deal was made. My first company!

I had company last night. It took him 10 whole minutes to come over. We fell right back into things except they were different. We both knew that this wasn't going to be a casual deal, and that made it seem a lot closer. We talked about deeper things.

We kissed. He is a reallllllly good kisser. This is way important. Notsomuchamanfriend wasn't much for kissing. Neither was the last guy or the guy before that. Anyway he said kissing leads to other things, and he didn't come over for that. I told him I think we get a pass since we've been there before. Maybe I'm a bad influence? Maybe I know what I like.

We had a nice talk, a lot of laughs, and he asked me my favorite food. He's gonna make me chicken parmesean. Yum! I said you bread it and everything? Yes. He likes to cook. Aaaand he has a garden. I thought that was pretty cute.

I kept him up really late he had to work in the morning. He said he was a little tired today, but I said if its any consellation I slept really good. He was happy to have fixed my sleeping problem. I asked if I could get a prescription, and he said he would hook me up. I said I must be a lucky girl then.

It felt good to spend time with him. It's not like a stranger, and when we were talking, we knew a lot of the same people we were talking about. He remembers meeting my brother at a party, I went to school with some of his friends, he is friends w/my friends fiance, and another friends ex husband.

I think the universe works in mysterious ways. And we weren't ready for more when we were together in the past. And now that we are, the universe made way for us to be together. I'm gonna take it day by day but so far, I like it!

And, I have not even tried to dig for info on notsomuchamanfriend. Because I don't give a shit. I really dont. I think he is stupid that he let me go but as it turns out, it seems like it was to make way for bigger (yea, that too) and better things!

New is Hard..

I chatted with the new guy a bit last night. We were talking about the past, and he asked if I ever thought about it. I said yes I have, and he said he did too, but thats not all he wants "this time". I said its good to know, because I'm past that phase in my life, but I have no regrets. =)

Then he said he's excited for the game Sunday he's never been to a hockey game. And you know my neighbor was like, "We'll have to leave you two alone after" aaack. Alone!? I mean I feel at ease when we talk, so why am I so worried?

The physical part was easy. This relationship stuff, is the hard part. I can see why guys are the way they are to some extent.

It brings up a whole new set of questions. Because, obviously, we've been together before. Do you jump back in? Or wait? Or what???? It's different when you don't know what you are missing by holding out. But then I also don't want to jump right into something because i'm freshly out of a break up. I don't want it to be a rebound. We hooked up in like 2006. And it lasted almost a year.

But do rebounds apply when you already know the person? Why do girls over analyze everything so much?

What do I wear?

I'm also glad I moved. No more memories of notsomuchamanfriend in the new place. That also helps with forgetting him. It kinda scares me how easily things are flowing for me.

The universe may be paying me back for all my good deeds! Wish me luck!

Taste.....

So, would it be in poor taste to sell my American Music Awards Michael Jackson doll on ebay?

A mint condition in the box doll is up to $510 on ebay.

Mine has no box. No sunglasses, oh yea, and no pants.

He was my only "boy" barbie and he got around.

I could go on vacation on Michael. He owes me, because he never married me. I wanted to have his babies! Me!

Reason 456,785,234 not to have kids. Your baby daddy could up and die.

How sad!

Ow...

So I went to the dentist on Tuesday. I lived. As I am writing and breathing. I really didn't feel getting the shots, she numbed me, and then said she just had her fingers in my mouth. Then she said she was done. Huh?

Today I feel the shots. Ow.

I decided I'm the biggest investment I'll ever make. Some people say its a car, or a house. But, I'm more deserving of my money than any stupid house or car. So, I don't care if it cost more money to have my teeth look nice. I'm not putting crappy silver fillings in my mouth. I say crappy silver because as I've said, I can't stand metal in my mouth. If you have them its fine.

I opted to get resin fillings. Which she sealed, and she said I wouldn't have to go thru it again. This is what not going to the dentist for 16 years gets you. Modern technology. You can't even tell I have fillings. I have three on the right side now. And they don't get cold when I drink.

You know, I'm friends with my dentists Mom, so she kept stopping and telling me it looked like I was going to rip the arms off of her chair. After I found out I wouldn't be charged if I did, I kept holding on for dear life.

But it wasn't as horrible as I had imagined. I made them shoot me twice with novacain though. I told them I felt pain when they poked me. The assistant said, pressure or pain? I said I don't know, it feels pokey!!! Questions like that are hard to answer! I want to feel nothing, ok?

After my ordeal I got home at 4:30 and slept until 8. I was so stressed out. I go back in a week to have my last one done. Then it's time to start with the eye Dr. I don't like the eye Dr. either because they shoot you in the eye with air, and tell you not to blink 15 times when they do it until they finally get you right in the eyeball.

I really think I may have conquered my fear of the dentist. It's all in the mind. The mind is quite powerful.

Sometimes I like to be inspiring...

Sometimes, just for a minute...I think that no one can have everything they want. It's stinkin' thinkin, and I only let it in for a minute and I immediately thank the universe for all the good in my life, and I know I deserve every peice of it. I say out loud "I deserve to be happy". And let it pass.

It's hard to be such a freaking ray of sunshine all the time. No, it's not. But I wanted everyone else to feel better if they aren't.



"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer I love this saying. The more you repeat it out loud, the more sense it makes.



Your perspective changes when you make a conscious choice to do so. In a big way for me, this is relationships. Once I started being honest with myself about what I want and need, I started looking at my current and past relationships and evaluating them with a an outside perspective. Am I really happy? Or, am I simply accepting something less than what I deserve, to make it seem like I'm in control? Because I don't think I can have it all?


Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

This phrase has meant a lot to me on my journey of self discovery. Along with "we do not become what we want, we become what we believe"

You have to truely believe in something for it to manifest. If you want love, make room for it. Don't waste your time on things that are not benefiting you. Get to know yourself. What you like. What you don't like. Try new things. Enjoy your own company. Eventually, you can share yourself with another person. Because you know who you are.

I kept love away by being in shitty relationships. By being fat. Because to me...love hurts. It took me a long time to admit that was what I was doing. I thought I was just having fun, or being carefree. But really, I was pushing the possibility of love out of my life by not loving and respecting myself. Not my body, not my mind. If I pretended I didn't want love, then it was my choice. It wasn't that no one would love me the way I was. I didn't sit around and cry all the time, that's not the unhappy I was. I was an empty unhappy. I had to devote serious time to contemplate that.

Another negative thought I often have ...and turn positive, is "why did I waste so much time being unhappy?" Instanly I follow that with "I had to learn what happiness was". I don't wish away the years I was not happy. It just feels so good right now, to have a heart full of peace, and a quiet mind, that I only wish I had started sooner, and that I can magically give it to everyone who suffers too. It's so simple to be happy. The first step is choosing to be.

It's also no secret that I didn't find my cute manfriend until I started on this path either. We both met on a path of self discovery. I said before I want to hold his hand the rest of the way. We talk a lot about wishing we'd met sooner, and we immediately follow that up with "but you wouldn't have known me" because it's true. We were both different people. I wouldn't have appreciated him, and he, me.

Taking time to reflect on your past, allows you to see why you were led down the path you were. I think this also teaches you how to trust your gut. Usually, there were signs of things to come, that you stuffed away, and ignored. In the end, you can look back and say..."I was right!"

In the end...like attracts like. If you want love, be love. Love yourself the way you want to be loved, and someone will come in and share that love with you. Put out what you want to receive. If you are only spouting out negative. Doing negative. Denying yourself what you truley want...that is in fact, what you will get in return. I often say "no one loves me the way I do". (Usually, this is when I'm buying myself jewelry in the employee store at work...and justifying it. But it's true! I can't expect someone to buy me diamonds. I buy me diamonds, and then I'm not disappointed)

Bong! (that's the gong sound)

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While I'm full of inspiration, I recommend reading "The craggy hole in my heart and the cat who fixed it" by Geneen Roth. She has a humorous/relatable way of finding the you inside that you hide from the world.

The Craggy Hole in My Heart is a tale about the crucible of love. When we deeply enter into relationship with another being-a cat, a dog, a person-we are ultimately saying, "I am willing to go through the grief of being there when you die. Or of leaving you behind when I die." The book, then, is about opening the heart enough to love full-tilt, then losing what you love most and surviving. About coming to terms with what you believe will destroy you. It's about love like the Midtown Tunnel.

I posted an excerpt written by her cat back in 2006, and it still speaks to me. About how you can give a pet, a family member, a man (or woman) a beautiful life and never think to treat yourself that well. Read it here.

Anything with an Itis is bad...

So on and off I keep getting this horrible pain in the side of my foot. Mostly it's on but sometimes it's blazing hot. Last Friday I had to keep taking breaks from cleaning to rest it on ice. Well as any smart American would do, I googled it,in an attempt to self diagnose.




I found a chart of foot pain, linked to a break down by area, and the only things noted in the specific area I am having pain (on the outside, NOT the inside/arch area) is tendonitis. (or a ruptured tendon) OR it could be a stress fracture, as the pain is also on top between my toes and top of foot.


Exciting excerpt for people who care:



It is a tendon that is used to stabilize the foot during the gait cycle. The problem occurs where the tendon makes the sharp turn. As the tendon moves it slides across the bone (cuboid) and therefore can be easily irritated. Of course this can happen in athletic people, also in people who do a lot of walking on hard surfaces. The one common denominator that most people do not realize is the shoe that they are wearing.



Shoes.



We're back to shoes?



I swear to the stars, I am going to go broke buying shoes. I buy expensive shoes, a couple months later, I have to get more. Why hasn't someone invented a shoe that lasts longer. 20 miles a week doesn't seem like many miles at all. How do triathletes, or distance runners do on shoes? Is there a secret someone should share with me?

I'm like, frugal. I save tins and containers cus some day I might use them. I have a ton of half empty shampoo and hand soap bottles cus one day I'll run out of shampoo and need to consolidate them (which when I lost my job, I totally did!) So, I can't see throwing away shoes that look perfectly new.

As a result, I'm acquiring quite a collection of useless, yet still stylish looking sneakers. I did bring some to work during earth week to recycle for the kids playgrounds. (cus you know how I care about the kiddies!) What else do you do with them? They are broken, so you can't really give them to people, cus then they'll get tendonitis too and probably sue me.

Injured. Down for the count. Manfriend (who...mind you is a cute paramedic..) gave me a hard time about it, after he set me up with my elevated foot, and ice pack and said you can tell its fractured cus its swollen. (cute) Then he said that even though I don't think a stress fracture is a big deal, that if you leave a windshield alone, the crack gets bigger.





Then I argued that unlike windshields, bones have the ability to heal.




Then he said I didn't want to be crippled when I get older, and he made me promise to call the Dr. Ugh. I hate the Dr. I guess until then I'm going to ride the stationary bike as a workout. There isn't a working TV for the stationary bike. Which makes working out less appealing. I don't like to admit defeat.

I promised the manfriend. Now I'm in deep shit. I'm a horrible liar. So....I have to go.



P.S. Speaking of Dr.'s 19 days until I go to the dentist. Help. Me.

You wont like me when I'm angry!...

This past weekend I was hanging with my manfriend and one of his friends, and for some reason, I said something would make me mad, and he said "do you ever get mad?"



Interesting question. We all get mad. But I really don't do it much. At all. Manfriend always mentions this, and says he wishes he could be more like me. I'm non chalant about alot of things. I guess I just realize, it's pointless to get bent out of shape over things I can't control. This took almost my lifetime to achieve though.

Which is funny because I use to be such an angry person. Like, full of rage, and so much that it contributed to my abusive relationships, sure, I can admit that much.



But even my boss compliments me on my even keel tempermant (I totally sound like a dog don't I?) all the time. I don't let things get to me. More work? We'll finish it! If I meet a challenge, I'll conquer it. If something happens that sucks, oh well, try again. There's always next time. And I'm not feeling defeated when I do it, I genuinly have a sunny disposition. I am not on medication either. I'm telling you, it's the secret.



I use to get pissed off that my ex boyfriend would leave the bathroom "a swamp". Or not hang up his towels. When I was in counseling she told me, things that are important to you aren't important to others, and I have no right to get bent out of shape about it. If it bothers me, clean it up, otherwise, let it go. Huh? The world doesn't revolve around me? I'm not most important to everyone else? What eves!



I once got so pissed off at my ex husband, that I took a butcher knife and stabbed the bed, inches from his cringing body. I wasn't trying to kill him...just scare him a bit. *grin* I let him treat me badly, and then blamed him for everything. I had a part in it. If I loved me, I wouldn't have put up with the years of shit he put me through. I would put holes in walls, or cut myself, or spend all my spare time crying, and wishing so and so would love me. I also have a million stories of stalking boys, or following them, (BTW, they were always caught with someone else when I did this...) I felt like, they treat me badly, so I'm a bad person. I treated myself badly as well.

I had issues. I didn't start turning it all around until I started reading/listening to Wayne Dyer, and read the Secret, and started meditating. I can hardly believe I'm me too. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm so happy, it's sick. I am the person I want to be. When you are happy with yourself, everything else has to logically follow suit. It seems so simple. And...well, it is!



I'm thankful every day for what I have. If I park far away, I enjoy the walk, and see it as exercise, and that I have the legs to get me into the store. I learned to give up control. You can't control people. (hard one to learn) I learned to accept my responsibilty in certain situations, "my bad". I chose consciously to look at the bright side. Eventually, this becomes second nature.



Some people may view this as being a door mat, but I think that is what happens when you lay down and let people harm you, and do nothing about it. I have learned to genuinley let things go, and not fester. I'm not going to explode one day from not being angry. (I use to explode when I was an angry person!) Yes I get mad. Yes, when I have PMS, or a bad day, I'll scream "fucking asshole, eat a dick" at you in the car. Or, if you hurt my feelings, I'll cry. But the only thing I have control over in this world is me.



And I can also recognize being more in tune to myself, that the first thing I want to do when I'm frustrated at work (besides throw my computer into the wall) is eat.



Before, I'd have just eaten and never known why. It's the first instant thought in my head. Food! So, I can let those situations stay with me all day...or month, or year....or I can feel the anger, or the sadness, and then let it go on my terms, when I am ready. That's completely my decision.



It all starts with a choice. Choose to be happy. Constantly work at being positive. See the good in everything, even the bad. And it will become second nature to you. But starting, and staying on this path is a very hard, concious, and constant thing to do. I can only say it's the best thing I ever decided to do. I'd rather laugh at life, than cry over it.

P.S. Remember how bad-ass the incredible hulk was? When he was actually incredible, and not CGI?

Mental Dental...

So, sometimes bloggers inspire each other without knowing it. I was at work listening to coworkers talk about the dentist. For, like 2 hours. (why they weren't working, I dunno, they don't work for me) I kept thinking OMG, I'll end up losing my teeth too if I don't go to the stupid dentist. Root canal? Crowns? And abcesses.....oh MY! How long as it been you ask?

Six. Teen. Years.

I had a horrid experience at 17 which was, I had my wisdom teeth pulled while I was awake, and just had numbing shots. Until I talked to more and more people, I thought this was normal. I remember the blood gushing down my throat, him bracing my head against his stomach and pulling my tooth and hearing the crrrrruuuuuunch of my tooth being ripped from my head. I had to be re-xrayed during the procedure, blood all over myself. Nothing short of atrocious. I have since been traumatized, and refused to go to the dentist. I don't know how else to describe this. Except, did I mention the blood?

Since having my teeth pulled, I have had one tooth way in the back next to one of the wisdom's that were pulled, that didn't heal quite right, the gums never grew down my tooth. I'm pretty sure its half rotted away because it hurts like nobodies business, and I can feel a jagged edge at the top. Probably not good. Plus it sends pangs of torture through my body if anything food like touches it.

I realize no one enjoys the dentist. But...I am terrified. So, I'm all about being gassed. Who will gas me? I need drugs, I'm sweating now thinking about it!

So, I called the dentist. Me. I think I had an out of body experience because I was looking up the number, and dialing the phone in a matter of seconds. It occurred to me, that I use to work with a woman, who's daughter was going to dental school. This was a long time ago, and I remember she said that she had a practice the next town over from me. DUH! Then I read this blog about someone else terrified of the dentist, who is going SOONER THAN ME. (bless you) And before I know it I called the dentist.

Who answered the phone, but another person I use to work with, who is the dentists sister in law! Small world! So at least I have a friendly face before I am whisked away to the torture chair! I'm scared. To. Death. To have them cleaned. I don't want them to be touching my sore tooth, I know how they are! Poking around with their metal sticks. Have I told you I don't even like metal forks touching my lips. Bleh. I know they will touch my sore tooth! I'm also pretty sure all my bottom teeth are cracked. For serious!

I'm going to take a valium. It helped me fly. It can help me not be hysterical at the dentist! I need to put on my dream board, a happy person at the dentist! Dreams really do come true. Gulp.

Lost.

Anyone watch? What the hell? Miles' dad is Marvin Candle? Baby miles and grown up miles are in the same place? He was contracted to speak to the dead on the island by Naomi and Widmore? Hurley is writing the Empire Strikes Back before George Lucas does? That cracked me up.