"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, November 23, 2009

Moving Forward...

I talked to my current landlord this weekend. Finally. She is letting me out of my lease 3 months early. I have to pay for December, so I'm paying 3 rents this month. Though I'll be broke, I look at it as having a vacation home. Anyone want to stay at my vacation home in Canal Fulton?

Cus, I'm not gonna be there anymore.

My Momma helped me Sunday and by the time I went to bed you would actually think I did some packing. It's coming along nicely. It's my last Tuesday at my apartment. It's sad and exciting all at once. I am hoping the move goes off w/o a hitch, one of my school friends is suppose to come with a 24 ft truck to save me hundreds on renting one. I hope hope hope this all goes as planned.

And the snow stays away.

I wont miss the driveway, the crappy electric, mushrooms growing in my downstairs, being snowed in and out of my driveway, the ditch we all slide into trying to get up the driveway, the ugly cupboards, counters, and floors and tile.

I will miss leaving my doors unlocked and not freaking out. Sleeping w/the windows open, and hanging around outside having fires, and seeing all the stars, and having a friend right next door.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Packer...

I've been packing for days. Packing blows. I'm to the point now, that you hate when you unpack your stuff, and curse at yourself for being an idiotic packer.

"who puts maxi pads in with the digital picture frame, and extra silverware?"

"Oh, theres my water pitcher, in with the sheets, of course!"

You know, the 'I am so tired of running room to room, it all goes in one box phase'. I'm there.

After I packed my crapola in boxes, I moved them all to one room. Then, I moved them all downstairs and out to the garage.

Because when I have people to help me move, its going to be a well oiled machine. I'm outta there.

Oh, I'm far from being done. But I have at least made some visible progress.

I still havnt heard from my current landlord. She can....bite me. And so can that stupid city and their stupid freaking extra taxes!!

I just realized I've lived in my current apartment my entire blogging "career!" Sniff sniff...

You can win a computer over at alexas blog. But you should give it to me for housewarming if you win.

Monday, November 16, 2009

No Time for Thinking...

I've barely had time to think. I put off moving for so long, that once I finally put my mind to it, look what happened?

I'm moving.

In um, a week! A week to pack up 5 years of stuff, consolidate, and move into my new place.

I never heard back from my current landlord.

So I am leaving. She can suck it. I was going to pay for December at my place and the new place, but Now I can save $600 bucks.

Here are a few more pics. I am so excited and nervous and everything all wrapped up in one!!!

My new place is in West Akron. It's not in Cleveland. But it's halfway to Cleveland. If I was moving to cleveland, one of my paychecks would go to rent on a place like this. It costs more to live there.

Plus they have lake effect snow. Euw. If I move away from my familiar surroundings, it would be for the wrong reasons. I'm moving because I've been talking about moving since 2007 when I was promoted. Yes, it's closer to manfriend (if he is still my manfriend?) Yes I could move even closer to make things easier, but it wouldn't be for me. And I want to be happy with my decision, and I am.

He could move too you know. I moved cus I wanted to.

After a week of being sick to my stomach, crying, unable to eat, eating and pooping immediately, burning stomach, headaches, sweaty palms, crying, puking, did I say pooping? laughing, gurgly stomach, and not working out cus of said conditions....

I'm going to run today. It's gonna suck after a week break. But I lost 8lbs thru all this mess, and I don't want to gain it back when I start happy eating in my new apartment. lol.

Actually I can't wait to get back to normal. If that's possible. I'm tired of feeling sick.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Im Gonna Make it After All...

Boy what a difference a few days makes.

I'm moving. In December. I sign my new lease this Sunday. I am going to be a gal of the suburbs, no longer a country gal. I found a great apt for 85 more a month. Its completely redone, new furnace, hot water tank, electric, plumbing. I'll be the very first tenant! What I'll save in travel time (its 5.8 miles from work vs 27) and electric, will pretty much make up the difference in rent.

The area is a lot like Lakewood in Cleveland in that its primarily gay, not rich, but not poor. And diverse. The landlords therefore, are gay men. I really liked them. We connected, and had a great talk, and I said how much more is it for pets?

landlord: "Weeee don't really charge more for pets we'd just like to meet them once"

me: Huh?

Yea, so they are really cool. They called me to see if I wanted it still after I filled out the application and I said I was waiting to hear if I could break my lease (I thought I was month to month, when in fact its not up until March..whoops) and they said they'd waive the deposit for me. So I'd only have to pay my first months rent.

me: huh?

He said they really liked me and have a good feeling about me and think I'll make a great tenant. They want someone to treat it like their home. It's funny how things fall into place, and it all seems like it was meant to be. Its super cute, smaller than mine, but still a duplex, closer to work, everythings NEW, and its charming! Its not cookie cutter. Washer/dryer hook up but no garage. You win some you lose some.

Did I mention it has central air? I. Am. Gonna. Be. In. Heaven!

And even better news. Me and manfriend went to dinner on Wed and had a really good talk that resulted in the gist being, we had a fairweather relationship and were unable to be together for the rough times loss of job, loss of cat, car trouble etc.. cus of the distance. I would agree. So my point back was, that what we are going thru is a hard time, which will determine how we work together through problems, and in the end, thats what we are going to do.

And now, I'll be 26 miles closer.

Aint life funny?

When I called the new landlord to say i wanted to move forward he said ..."Yay!" how fun is that.

I am in fact breaking my lease. I tried to make a deal w/my landlord but she wants to put me off for a few days and get back to me. So, I'm moving regardless. Most people would just leave and not tell her, she lives in New Jersey not like shed know until the rent didn't come in the mail, and I didn't leave a forwarding address. Some people dont appreciate responsible people.

I'm moving in December. For my Birthday. Yay me! How long have I been complaining? And I have so many awesome friends who offered to help me!

Oh and BC actually asked me out on a date "in the future". geez.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Matters of the Heart...

I think I slept a couple of hours last night. In between crying. There was a period of time when i didn't cry, and that was when someone from the past called me. This time it wasn't an asshole ex boyfriend.

It was my booty call....This was all before I met my manfriend, it went on for about a year, thats all it was and thats what we wanted at the time. I started to miss being in a relationship, and it never came up. When I met manfriend online, and we started talking, I stopped communications with the booty call. I told him I was dating someone. And then that I was in love with someone.

There were a couple of times he would text me on a sunday, and id say, im good, im still with my BF, im in love. That sort of thing. He sent me a text first, and when i told him i wasnt doing well, and he asked if it was bad, and i responded "matters of the heart" then he called me.

My own manfriend never called me.

He did happen to see us together (me and the manfriend) at a mutual friends party. And I never said hey manfriend, there is the guy I use to bang for kicks. Because thats classless. But the BC said last night that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.

They always come back, don't they? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I seem to have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men who one day decide they are stupid so they try to get back with me. I know I'm someones perfect girlfriend and wife. I have that in me. I need someone to appreciate it, not throw it all away.

I talked to BC for an hour and a half. He told me he was sorry I was going through what i was going through, and it was nice to get a males perspective on it. Which was, its a cop out on manfriend's part. If he really feels the way he says about me then he wouldn't walk away. He also said sometimes girls are more mature and we seem to have everything figured out in our heads, and guys have a hard time catching up.

Then he told me how he always thought I was a really great girl, and we had fun together, but it didn't go anywhere. I said eventually I wanted more. He told me I never told him that I did, and I never gave it a chance to go anywhere. I said we saw each other for an awful long time for it to not go anywhere.

I said if there is one thing you learn in life, its not to bring up wanting more to a man, it scares them away. I am old fashioned and always thought it was up to the guy to make those decisions. (shouldn't I have followed my own advice, and not brought up the M word to manfriend?) He said do you think theres a reason I called? I said to complicate things. Everything happens for a reason. He made me laugh. We talked about life, marriage, relationships, kids (puke), and the future. It reassured me that yes, I am in fact a great girl, and that manfriend is making a huge mistake.

BC said he just wasnt ready for a realtionship when we were hooking up, and I said I wasnt either at the time, I was fine with things the way they were. He said sometimes he can be hit with a good thing and not know it. Sometimes he has to get hit a few times. He hasnt had a relationship for a few years, because he got hurt. And said he doesn't miss what I'm going through.

I told him how I feel about manfriend, and that I'm definately not ready to hook up, or try anything else more serious. I would only transfer my emotions onto him and who would know if my feelings were real. I know what I want, and if I can't have it, I'll get over it some day. And I can move on then.

I always seem to be what every guy I date wants. But the timing is off. BC said that he is 33 and starting to think about the future, and that makes him think about me. Words I wish I could hear from the person I love.

I sent manfriend a long email. Everyone said it was good. But it laid it all out there. We're working on this or we arent. I can't have an in between. And he said he agrees we should get together and talk. And thats the plan for tonight. There is no real hope in the "we should talk" aspect.

I certainly don't want to be begging for him to take me back. But I want to honestly know if he wants this to work out. If he is not sure, he can fuck off. If he doesn't know what he wants, too bad for him. I do, and that gives me the option of finding it one day. Him? I honestly think hes going to be one of the guys that realizes he screwed up, and calls me when I'm with my new boyfriend.

And then I get a text this morning. Of course, my heart flutters at the hope it would be manfriend. It wasn't. It was the BC. He asked if I got any sleep and had good dreams. I told him no i didn't sleep very well at all, and he said he knows its rough, and to hang in there, he'll leave me alone for a while. Which, is what I need. Casual sex is a nice distraction, but it also fucks up your head big time when you have a broken heart.

There was a time when my manfriend use to ask me those things, Did I sleep well. How is my day. And now. I'm crying again. Love is grand.

I am looking at an apartment closer to work today. Hopefully two. If nothing else I need a fresh start. Too many memories at my place that I can't get over. And I need a distraction. A healthy distraction, something to focus on. I've been taking up space at work between smoke breaks a.k.a ive been useless.

The kicker...several of manfriends friends have messaged me that they think he is stupid, and one in particular told me I'm better off. I think that one sticks with me the most. Because it is almost as if he knows something I dont, and I'd like to explore that more. I want to ask manfriend about it but dont want to throw anyone under the bus in the meantime. I like to think maybe I'm better off because he doesn't know what he wants. Not because he did anything to hurt me behind my back.

But honestly that would make more sense than the reasons he gave me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Remember when I said "i want to find my someone I can't live without?"

Maybe I wish I didn't get what I asked for. Cus living without someone you cant live without hurts.

I am confused. I'm tired of crying. I don't know how someone can talk to you about love and wanting to be together. But not know how to work through the issue we have. Together.

He's gone back and forth, and the truth is I need to decide what I want. Do I want to hold on to a glimmer of hope that he will want me? Wait, he wants to be with me and sees a future for us but he cant be with me cus we aren't together enough.

Its hard to get past this. I know he made a mistake and he will realize it one day but that doesnt stop the hurt.

I want to move so much to forget the memories we made there. I cant go on hoping, I told him we are going to work it out, or we're not. No in between with me. I can't take a break and start fresh.

I can't be away from the person who feels like my heart.

I think its stupid.

And selfish.

And undeniably painful. The problem with having such a deep love is the deep pain. I was never ever as happy as I was with him. And he sure fooled me.

There is something more to it. You don't leave what we had for a reason that can be fixed. We don't want to chang each other. It's geographical.

Unless you are completely stupid.

I think its not you its me, is the oldest one in the book. And I wasn't born yesterday.

If there is more, I would love to know. Getting thru this would be so much easier.

Monday, November 09, 2009


And just like that I lost the greatest love of my life. Maybe I would have expected this if I had ever given an ultimatum. I was patient. Understanding. I knew from the get go he had problems from the past he needed to deal with. I was willing to wait.

He didn't want to hurt me. So instead he ripped out my heart. Don't we know how painless that is?

You don't find a love like we had every day. Even sobbing, I can't think of one thing to hate about him, except for the fact that he is a coward, and took the easy way out. We were always happy. Always laughing. Happy just snuggling on the couch. The way I felt in his arms was indescribable.

I have asked the question before, do you end a perfect relationship because he isn't sure about the future? He would tell me he saw us together. I am everything he wants. He told me today I am so good to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He told me he is holding me back. He needs to deal with his past hurts. I guess he can't do that with me. He said he wishes there was something else we could do, besides end it. Well there is but he wont live with me. He told me he needs an in between. When I'm sick he wants to come over and take care of me, but living far apart stops that from happening. He thinks it would help him move forward with me.

But in the same breath, it wasn't even given as an option. No chance. Obviously hes wanted to do this for a long time. It was hard for us. We cried. We sobbed. And eventually, he gathered everything he had at my house, and walked away. Out of my life. The best two years of my life have come to an end.

I have been crying for almost 12 hours. My mom gave me xanax and a nerve pill so I stopped for a while. I think he is afraid to be happy. He told me that he would say to himself that I was everything he wanted, and asked himself what is wrong with him that he cant move forward. Is it him or is it me?

You could ask anyone who knew us, they were all shocked. I really saw myself married to him. Rocking on the porch with him. Still chasing him around in a walker trying to pinch his buns. The truth is, my saying I wanted to marry him scared him. But I guess if he is too afraid to be happy he deserves whatever miserable box he puts himself into.

It makes no sense, and I really am starting to think there is someone else. You dont throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared. I was the girl I always wanted to be with him. I felt so loved. And loved so much. I gave freely of myself. I loved doing things for him and taking care of him. I trusted him completely, and never held him back from having his own life.

I supported all his decisions and always had his back. We were the two cutest people I've ever known. And I will miss that. I hurt. I miss him with every ounce of my body. I cant wait to run out of tears.

I was blindsided.

I'm confused.

But worst of all I'll never fall asleep in his arms again and wake up being so happy. I'm holding on to hope that he will wise up and come back. But I wish I wasn't. It's making this so hard. I sent him a message and his response was that he wished that it didn't have to end that way and that we could have come to a solution. Hes happy he learned to love again.

It sounds like all I was to him was a big fat lesson. And as I said before, he will learn from this and move on with the next girl that comes along.

With what I had. I just want to die.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009


My new favorite thing is avocados


When I get a favorite thing, I pretty much am all about that thing until I find a new thing. .

I eat like one a day. Which is awesome cus I am always short like 500 calories a day and its a healthy way to make it up. .

I eat them cut up in salad. .

I eat them with a spoon. .

I eat them smeared on tortilla wraps with turkey and lettuce. .

I cut them up in chunks and eat them that way too. .

I have been hella busy on accounta I'm doing my job, cross training my entire dept, and filling in for one of the bigger than the wigs I work for's secretaries. .

I have to use my brain and stuff. That's hard. And I've been fighting off a cold. Me and the manfriend spent friday kicking it at a crazy cool party. .

Saturday we stayed in our PJ's, got cold medicines, made hot totties, and watched scarey movies from sunup to sundown. And ate pizza. (we had the best pizza, it was double crust.....omg..) And pretty much did the same on Sunday too. I'm a lot better. .

My manfriend is worse. I told him he needs to eat greens. He doesn't eat fruits or veggies. I need to find a way to sneak them into his foods. .