"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, January 29, 2010

Insubordinate Subordinate...

So we remember how I have a coworker who annoys me and doesn't listen to anything I say and I've been systematically working on canning her?

I work for a company that like most companies has rules about what leaves the building in regards to financials and statistics. I work with a lot of sales figures, and percentages, as does my department.

We have spent the last two years streamlining our reports, and cutting out about half of what we do. This of course pisses people off because they can't get what they want from my department. Yes, we have access to it. No, you can't have it.

This has been made clear to my department over this span of time, by myself, my boss, and various emails and reports, about what reports we can and can not produce.

Annoying coworker, has a problem saying no to anyone. While I notice this and I am her boss, i tell her to always refer them to me. I can say no for you. I have no problem with it, because it's my ass if something leaves the building that shouldn't.

So new girl gets a call from the field. Wanting a specific report that we have not produced for two years, and twice a year it is always asked for and its something that is commonly known that we DONT do. I tell new girl, we no longer produce this report. She tells the field that no we don't have access to the information. He says his Vice President (whom we work for) wants it, still, sorry, no can do.

Five minutes pass, and new girl comes to my desk. "Guy from the field is on the phone, he said he doesn't now what me and my supervisor are talking about, he called annoying coworker, and got the report, so we can send it out"

Awe snap. I guess I always knew that given time, annoying coworker would hang herself. She violated company policy. I went right over and asked her what she sent. The look on her face was priceless. "oh shit how did she know?"

I told her she knows those reports arent to leave the office.

We've been audited over the last several months for just such things.

I shouldn't be happy about her getting in trouble, and being written up again. But she doesn't learn. She doesn't respect me, even though I respect her, and I'm a pretty awesome boss.

She's always felt sleighted because she was here a year longer than me. And I was promoted over her. There's a reason.

One of which being...I know how to follow company policy.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Soul Mating...

Back in July, when me and the manfriend were on vacay, we attended a lecture on soul mates at the A.R.E. I've also read the book "Soul Mates, The New Age Guide to Finding your One True Love". I read that book when I had the same idea most people have. That a soul mate is the one person in the world who is meant for you to love. Which, if you think about, is really kind of sad. Why only one person to love? If you had your heart broken, and havn't looked back to say the person was a total loser (which, does happen) what does that mean? You lost your one true love and you will never have another?

I finished the book with quite another perception. A twin soul, as taught in the lecture, is the division of the soul out in the universe (or heaven if you so believe) before taking human form. There is a yin and a yang, and one usually takes on male characteristics, while the other, female.

You are not necessarily incarnated at the same time on the earth, nor are you destined to find one another. The ideal "soul mate" most people describe is actually a twin soul.

Soul mates, are everywhere. They are whomever comes into your life to teach you a lesson, that you need to learn. Boyfriends, husbands, friends, teachers, Moms, Dads. It's whoever you feel connected to beyond this world, which is hard to explain, but it's a feeling. They are put in your life to teach you lessons, and then they are gone.

The idea that there is one perfect person that completes you in the world, is sort of like the ounce of hope in all of us, something to strive for. "I know my someone is out there". Which is true, but you can't waste your life thinking that you have to find that one person who will complete you. Because different people will complete you at different points in your life.

Which goes my favorite analogy as related to me by one of my many counselors. The shoes. If you wear a size 8 shoe, and try to put on a size 6, it isn't going to fit. You can want it to fit, and fight it to fit, but it just doesn't fit. If you force it to fit, it will give you blisters, and make you uncomfortable (and yes, perhaps bitchy). Who's fault is it that the shoe doesn't fit?

Yours? Or the shoes?

It's neither's fault. The fault is in that it's not the right size shoe, and therefore did not fit. It's the same with relationships. You try them on for size and sometimes they don't fit.

So, when you find the right size shoe. You should put it on, and walk around in it. Enjoy the fit! There's a reason for it.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What a let down...

I have gone back to splitting my workouts 30 min run, 20 min bike or eliptical. Why? Cus im tired of working out. Tired.

I'm also tired of eating the same thing all the time so today, I was excited to try a Robek's smoothie, with a boost of ginseng..instead of breakfast and coffee.

How'd that work out for me?

Well, I ended up eating my lunch before my 11am workout cus I was hungry. And um, not to mention tired.

Then for lunch, I had to buy a turkey burger and Broccoli from the grill cus I had my soup and crackers for breakfast.

Here it is, 2pm, and I'm not hungry at all.

But I'd kill for a reese cup.

I went so far as to count out the 85 cents (yes 85 cents!) to buy one in the machine.

A coworker stopped me. I'm trying to lose 15lbs in 4 wks.

Instead...I peeled, and ate a pink grapefruit w/splenda.

All I have to say about that is what a let down.

A coworker just said that she needs to have a kid in 2 years because 30 is too old.

Too old? Shoot me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm not old....

I'm not old, but I remember cassette tapes. Actually, my Mom had a buick, with an eight track player in the car. And my sister bought an adapter when she inherited the car, so that she could play tapes.

Tapes were cool. I remember listening to them so many times that sometimes they'd break, and youd have to perform surgery on them, with scotch tape.

If you got it right, it just skipped and muffled the sound for a second. If you did it wrong, the damn player would eat your tape. Then it would get all mangled up, and ruin an entire song or something.

And, if you performed surgery you also had to rewind it. This required a #2 pencil which sometimes worked beautifully, or my personal favorite, the letter opener.

I use to wait all day while baking my skin in the sun to hear a song on the radio to tape it. Then, if a song was particularly awesome, you'd have to dub it on to another tape several times in a row because it took forfreakingever to rewind. And you'd pass it up, and have to fast forward.

At first, I had to use two boomboxes to accomplish this, and hope that my mom didnt call my name or anything and ruin my taping with the boom boxes face to face.

Then they got fancey, and "dubbing" was invented for the rest of us. Then high speed dubbing, when you could record a whole tape in like, an hour.

The first tape I bought was Madonna.."Madonna" incidently, my first CD was Madonna "Ray of Light" .

Madonna happens to be my favorite.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Anatomy of Facebook status changes...

When manfriend dumped me for no good reason (as we will now refer to this incident) I instantly deleted him from my friends list on Facebook. You know, as a little FUCK YOU, buddy!

He retaliated by deleting all of my friends and family. All but three.

Next I changed my relationship status to "single". This is all very important business in the facebook world. People take notice, there is a buzz in your circle of friends when things change.

We both blocked the ridiculously ugly skank he was hanging out with. (still shocked about that one!)

When manfriend and me got back together, I changed my status to "its complicated".

I friended manfriend again, and asked him to delete anything I didn't want to see.

About a week ago, I changed it to "in a relationship".

Yesterday I checked manfriends profile. It still listed his old job (from May) and he was single.

I sent him a msg.."you still have your old job listed, and also btw, your still listed as single"

Today I checked his profile. His job was changed. His relationship status...was not.

aww snap!

So, naturally, I changed my status back to single.

Then, I sent him a text..."ummm considering the circumstances (meaning dumping me for no good reason) the fact that you changed your job and not your relationship really bothers me, and seems intentional."

He responded that since we are both single now, did I want to go out for italian tonight? (manfriend thinks he is funny) and that it wasn't intentional.

Manfriend changed his status to in a relationship.

I changed mine back to in a relationship.

Q: Now...the question is... who initates the "with so and so" portion of the "in a relationship?" and why does it matter so much?

A: I think him since he dumped me for no good reason...and it just does.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I don't like fear. Normally I say, fear only fear! If it's my time to go its my time to go, why be afraid to do something.

Being afraid to lose manfriend, is slowly creeping into my daily thoughts. I'm trying my best to keep them at bay, because the old me in her early 20's...that was crazy...and codependant, let this type of fear control her life.

And it made me a miserable, controlling person.

I have to go thru it, to get past it.

I went out for drinks with my girlfriend last night. Going out on a school night is not so easy as it use to be. Especially when you're having vodka sodas, and three extra shots of vodka.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Little Things

Manfriend texted me he had a little suprise for me, but I had to find it. When I went over, I instantly saw what it was.

He had hung up a shadow box I made for him for Christmas 2008, depicting our first date. It had a wine label, and cork from the winery where we had our first date. Stars, because we star gazed before our first kiss(es), and some representation of fireworks, because there definatly was fireworks. And I cut out a little red heart that had our initials on it.

Totally cute. It was tucked away somewhere for an entire year. He never hung it up. So, the fact that he hung it up in the dining room, meant a lot to me.

Also, we watched the honeymooners...you know the new one. And at the end when he says he's sorry and wants a second chance, and he'd made a lot of stupid choices, but the best choice he made was loving Alice...someone might have gotten a little misty eyed, and it wasn't me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

In the city they like Jesus....

(i have no idea what happened to my template btw)

I'm still getting use to city living. No one ever came over to my house uninvited in the country, except maybe my neighbor from time to time.

Now, I have annoying neighbor kids, crackheads, and the latest..
"jesus freaks"*.

I mean, to each his own, if you love jesus, good for you! You gotta believe in something, and it isn't like I'm some god hater, I just have my own spiritual beliefs.

You know my ones that include practicing my own way, and don't include knocking on people's door at 9 am on a Sunday. Or, when I don't answer, coming back at 11 a.m. And then again at 2. he last time finally manfriend was up, and I asked him to answer it. But they had moved on to save someone else.

They were nice enough to leave me a card saying that Jesus loved me.

Maybe I should tell them about the crackhead who likes to pee in the church yard in broad daylight across from my house. I think they should spend their time saving him instead of me. I wonder if this has to do with the fact that I have this on the back of my car. Or this. Or this?

The only thing I dislike about "jesus freaks*" , is they don't have much tolerance for any other beliefs.

I've decided to make my own pamphlet about buddhism. And when they come back, we'll swap information. Actually, I look forward to this!

*this is not the same as being a run of the mill christian

I made a brochure. I included info on christianity vs. buddhism. You know, like how buddha doesn't threaten you with hell and whatnot. That outta burn em.

Friday, January 15, 2010


I ran into a former coworker last weekend at the Circle K. I had been to the Pet store attached just before and was waiting on manfriend at the register, gazing happily at the kitties playing in the store bins next door.

I heard my name, and there she was. She wasn't sure it was me. She'd been gone for several months, but we kept in contact via email.

Coworker: "I almost didn't know that was you, you lost so much weight"
Me: "ah, it's break up weight, I'll likely put it all back on"

I think scientists should devote their energy to figuring out why your body does those things like make you not hungry, and lose weight when you break up. Sell that, instead of magic diets, and pills. It's obviously the bodies natural reaction.

No wait...that's my million dollar idea. Stay tuned. How to lose weight on a wine and ramon noodle diet, and very sporadic, half hearted exercise. Obviously...it's possible.

Now that I'm back to working out all the time. I'm gaining weight. Imagine that.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Do Frogs Become Princes...?

My mom got me a frog prince once for xmas. I put him by the bed, and I'd kiss him, and think about the perfect guy. This was around the time I made out my check to the universe for 10 grand, and read "the secret". I was full of hope. Well, I still am that way. I'm an eternal optimist.

I met the perfect guy. And I had a perfect two years with him. I still think he was my frog prince dreamed into reality. Because I have had such a crappy time with men. Things with us clicked form the first email. The first phone call. The first text. Our first date...amazing. You don't find that every day. The instant spark and chemistry, disgusting love and affection, and being connected on so many levels.

When you are not use to such a thing, it can be scarey I imagine. There were times I thought it was too good to be true, but I squashed the thoughts with "I deserve to be happy".

Manfriend and I were apart for a month to the day. We didn't "talk" for 17 days. But after that the texting began. Then we had a 9 hour conversation. Then we met in person. Then we spent New Year's together. And the rest as they say...is history.

I've been back with him for 17 days now and I really have no qualms about it. I always pictured us together. I didn't talk him into coming back, he apologized to me out of the blue, and confessed what he did was stupid, and wrong, and he was a complete idiot. (and...?) If I didn't feel he was genuinely sorry, I wouldn't be wasting my time. He didn't have to tell me the truth, we were broken up already. And he wanted the opportunity to earn my trust.

He told me he is happy he realized what he lost when he did, rather than 11 years from now. (like my ex husband) Only the universe knows what will happen with us. But honestly the break up has done nothing but make our relationship better. We lacked verbal communication, so we talk on the phone. (we always texted!) We didn't see each other enough, so we have been spending 5 days in a row together. We held things back from each other, so we talk about them.

I can't express how much better things feel with us. I never thought they were bad, but I guess we didn't communicate very much at all. And it will bring us even closer together.

It is sad to say, but I really think we had to go through all of this to strengthen our relationship. We got back together thinking it couldn't be "the same" but it really is even better. And that, my friends, is the reason for my recent happiness.

Each day seems to be even better than the one before. We are both looking forward to our future together. Which we are sure will be very bright.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Cheaters Never Win..

I think everyones opinion of cheating depends on their experience with it. What's yours?

Some say, once a cheater always a cheater.

Some say, different circumstances, different people.

Some say lesson learned, doesn't mean it will happen again.

Some say it depends on the conditions of the "affair" was it love, sex, or companionship?

My experience has been this. I'm 34. I've had roughly...8 serious relationships. By serious I mean, the "L" word was used.

Out of my 8 serious relationships, 7 of them cheated on me. I am not for sure about one, its never been confirmed, but that one wasn't *circumsized so if he got someone else to do him, kudos!

One of the cheaters was my husband. We were together 7 years. There was never a day that went by that we didn't have sex. We had good sex. Sex he even came back for long after we were divorced...alot (euw) and begged me for. (yea...he did..once he even broke in my apt at 3 am and tried to get in bed w/me, hes lucky he didn't get killed!)

Cheating isn't always about sex. It's about the cheater. He was a peice of crap so he needed to feel good by being wanted by other women I guess. I duno, cus he sure wasn't a prize. Yet, he found skanks to do him. Several.

His cheating resulted in a child. Guess who still went to counseling to save their marriage? It is definately possible to save if there is 1)genuine regret, and remorsefulness (he never really apologized...) and 2) willing to work on things (mostly he thought it was funny)

Still, it never crossed my mind to cheat on him. After that, I dated another asshole who treated me like even bigger crap, and he cheated on me, alot. I did cheat on him. Not just once or twice. But a lot. And, the person I cheated on him with was also cheating on someone.


I use to think this was horrible! That was the one and only time I ever cheated on anyone. But I sort of felt like I wondered what the big deal was. What was so exciting about it? I found nothing exciting about it at all. This was in my mid 20's. Before I knew who I was. Now I know, that is not a part of who I am.

So, from personal experience, I know cheating doesn't make you a cheater. I've never done it since, and it's never even crossed my mind. Even when guys buy me drinks. Or ask to come over in the middle of the night, or say how much they miss me because they screwed up in the past and want to come back. It doesn't occur to me to cheat. It doesn't make me want to hurt anyone because I've done it before.

So, in my experience, people can learn a lesson, and not do it again. I've been on all sides of this issue.

Speaking of. New guy msgd me this wknd. Wanted to hook up. I've since moved on from that and on to something else. And again, it didn't cross my mind even though it would be easy to do, logistically speaking.

I'm a changed woman. Why don't you think people can change?

*I know, gross...I'm sorry it wasn't the best for me either.

Friday, January 08, 2010


It's sucking my will to live.....

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Quote This....

"I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to do and wondering what life had been like if I'd only just been myself. "

I have a problem with forcing myself not to do what I feel I should. It's not being true to myself. And, I'm nothing if not true to myself. Otherwise I will only look back with "what if's".

I am not a fan of regret.

Today I feel fulfilled. I am happy. I am hopeful, and I don't feel like my heart is missing. I'm going on 10 days. I have my quick, panicked moments, but they pass. And the good far outweighs the bad.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Snow Business

Who lives where it snows? Well, when you live where it snows, you know that every year its the same thing.

It snows for the first time, people freak out, accidents happen, assholes in SUV's speed by you and then spin out 50 feet in front of you and cause everyone else to spin out.

In other words, its awesome.

But for years, we've had like 2 or 3 bad snowstorms, and the rest of the winter its just frigid. I don't mind frigid. I mind snow. Mostly, cus of other people. Other people suck.

This year, it seems they have forgotten that it's the state/city/dept of transportations job to keep the roads safe for us to drive on. And by safe I mean, plowed. Like, at all. We got a couple inches each day it isn't like the past when we get 10 inches crapped on us and there is nothing they can do.

Instead we have to drive on the expressway bumper to bumper at a speed that doesn't even register on the spedometer. It makes driving to/from Cleveland (for whatever reason. ahem) an hour and a half instead of a half hour.

I've decided someone is to blame, so why not blame the president. He is trying to pay off the national debt by not keeping the roads safe, and why not throw in his stupid health care plan too.

1) stop salting/plowing roads.
a) save money not paying workers to plow
b) save money not buying salt for roads
2) all employed people will be either:
a) late for work and be fired
b) killed in a car accident due to negligence (which can be blamed on the 'economy' somehow)
3) unemployed people will take dead peoples jobs
4) unemployment benefit payouts cut at least in half
5) kill off old people with new healthcare plan by not paying for stuff cus "they dont need it"
6) pay off debt with dead peoples benefits
7) Get richer, and laugh at the rest of the idiots who voted for you.

I'm one of those idiots.

Reason 785,583,234 not to have kids. The state of the world kinda blows.

p.s. I'm still super duper happy...

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Meeting The New Neighbors...

My new neighbors aren't my old ones. My old ones were my friends. You know like, in real life, not in apartment life. So, I didn't worry about making a ruckuss..(of any sort) or sweeping at midnight.

My new neighbors smoke outside. From time to time I run into them whilst taking my stanky dog out to "go potty pants" (shut up thats makes her take a tinkle).

Girl neighbor: "aww, when does she get her cast off?"

Me: "after the new year"

Girl neighbor: "poor thing, I can hear her thumping around"

Me to myself: she hears the thump of my dogs cast...what else does she hear? gulp. Is this a subtle hint to tell me she knows that I don't always sleep alone? Do you think she can hear anything?

Normally I wouldn't worry but as stated my old neighbors were my friends and not shy about telling me they could hear some shenanigans from time to time.


Monday, January 04, 2010

So Far...

2010 has been pretty awesome.

Actually, my last 6 days have been stellar.

I'm smiling from the inside out. I feel whole and at peace with the world.

Hard to explain, but take my word for it!