"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, May 28, 2010

How To Avoid Dating...

I really need to change my dating sucks label to dating is fabulous. Only because as a person who believes in the power of positive thinking, I'm really setting myself up for failure there.

I have made phone and text contact with a man. I'll leave it at that.

I'm also really aware of people in the world. Like, wondering if they know me from the internet. I feel so exposed having a profile visible to the world. It's like cutting yourself open and bleeding everywhere, its so personal.

Speaking of single girls, margaritas and Sex and the City tonight! Yes!!!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Nerves of Aluminum foil...

Heres why I am not cut out for "dating". I'm chicken shit.

I am awesome in email, I am open, and myself. On the phone, yes, I can be, if you call me.
But I don't give out my number because, after 10 years w/the same cell number, I'm pretty lucky I get no solicitations. So, you can't call me.

And, I'm scared.

I think someone said I should break out of my comfort zone. Which would be, you have a detailed profile, are handsome, manly, funny, and seem amazingly taken with me thru our correspondence.

Then we can talk on the phone for a bit/text.

Then we can meet.

I got the digits of a boy today. His profile is short, and pretty nonexistant. But weve had some great emails. He's a sexmuffin, no kids, never married, and 2 yrs older than me. Owns a house.

I think I'll stew about the digits forever. I am so scared about calling a boy I want to poop. When I get nervous or scared, that's my bodys way of letting me know I am, in case the sweaty palms, and rapid heart rate didn't give it away.

I dont know if you remember back when I met exnotsomuchamanfriend, but that was the most torturous time of my life meeting a "stranger".

It all started here.
And heres a reason to pay attention to your dreams. I dreamt I was exnotamanfriends next victem before we met!

In coming up with some links to my last online experience, I realized, holey shit I've been blogging 5 years.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Where My Head Is...

I met some ladies last night at Wasabi for dinner. It cost $20 to eat dinner. For me. I never paid that much for myself to eat, like ever when drinks werent involved. But thats not the story.

I pulled up and got out of my car. I always check my purse twice for my keys. Once, when I was 16 I left the old Ford Grenada running, and locked my keys inside. You do that once you never forget. My stratus does have an annoying feature where you cant lock it if they keys are in the ignition, which sucks for warming it up in the winter time.

I'm halfway to the restaurant and I cant find my keys. I meet my girlfriend outside and say...I think I locked my keys in the car, and I don't even have a spare set at home. (who knows where they are) We walk back to my car and there they are in the ignition, I said thank god, it wont lock, so I go to open the door, and she says...

"is your car runnning?"

Yes....I got out of my car, with it running and went into eat dinner. Stone cold sober.

Sometimes I worry about me.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


It's not so bad I guess being single. I'm independent enough to not be devastated. But the worst part is the weekend days that I am use to spending with the person I love. I miss waking up smiling, morning sex, joking around and cuddling and making breakfast in our pjs. Being comfortable enough to do my silly dances, and laugh until I cry over the stupidest things. I am really good in a great relationship. But, I'm also pretty great on my own.

I don't know that guys miss the same things. But for me, he was more than a great love, he was a good friend, that I spent a lot of time with. That part is especially hard to let go. (I'm NOT going to cry) But the truth is he didnt deserve me. I know my worth. And I know that a good man will appreciate all I have to offer, and my generous heart, and not run for the hills at the first sign of potential happiness.

Prospects? Well, I wouldnt say that dating is like a job, but trying to find someone WORTH dating seems like so much work. I've never dated. I always find someone I click with and the rest is history. I've been pretty lucky that way, and I'm a really likeable girl. The thought of wasting my time meeting people really troubles me. But I guess thats how this whole thing works.

I'm talking to a bunch of guys, but just online in the first stages. This is after weeding out the 19 and 50 year olds, and all the wackadoo's from other states, who really want to meet me. Uh, yea, maybe on the web cam ya perv!

They really havn't gone anywhere. In the way that you can tell obviously these guys are talking to lots of people, and make the rounds once or twice a week. And so many guys have kids. I mean seriously? Usually dads have weekends, then what about me? I'm not kid friendly so I don't even know where to go with these guys.

I keep going back and forth with contacting the guy I was seeing after my last break up, because I really enjoyed spending time with him....we laugh and have a great time together, but then I wonder if thats moving back instead of ahead.

The only thing wrong with him (at the time) was he wasn't exnotamanfriend. I'm fighting the urge to contact him because I don't want it to be because I'm lonley. I can be alone, that was the biggest setback with me and the ex. I am ok alone, and he was not. If you dont enjoy your own company, somethings wrong there!

Meanwhile, I've been going out as much as I can with friends, trying to fill my wknds with activities, and reorganizing my apartment. I don't need someone to love, I just want one. I don't feel lost without it..but I do feel a hole. But then...I don't want to be a "insert ex assholes last name here" and jump into another relationship, before I'm over this one. That never works.

I'm 99% sure I'm going to start hearing all sorts of truths about him. Theres more to this whole story, changing your mind is pretty lame.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

How to Date Me...

You may want to know how to win me over, because let's face it, I'm a catch.

I'm not getting very far online dating. When I met exnotamanfriend online, it was unexpected. I worked night shift at a podunk police station answering phones, as a second job. I played online alot, and answered very few calls. We met at OK Cupid, cus I liked to take the tests.

I knew right away that I liked him, from the very first email. Everything with us was so easy, and unrehearsed, and effortless. We clicked. We loved. We laughed. The entire relationship.

So..now what? It's not that easy, so I think its wrong. Is that right? I don't want to be THAT girl that compares everyone to their ex. That's hella annoying.

I delete countless messages from guys because I dont instantly think they are cute, or their profiles arent as well thought out as mine is.

Or, they ask me to meet them at a hotel in Akron because they are in town for a few days. No strings.

I specifically say in my profile at the end, reasons not to message me. One is "don't contact me if you just want to know what color my underwear is"

I got a message from a guy:

Subject: Quick Question

"What color are your underwear?"

And that my friends....is how you reel me in. Humor me. I love it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Im OK You're OK...

Have you ever wanted to bash someones head in? I guess I don't take rejection very well at all. I mean, perhaps if I were a total bitch and treated people like crap I could say...well, maybe I deserved that for being a turd of a human being.

But, I'm spectacular.

I think its bad when one, you dont sleep for 2 weeks, and two, you start dreaming about chopping someones head off. All. The. Time.

It's gotten so bad, that I took it as a sign when I woke up this morning and the Dalai Lama was on the Today Show talking about happiness. I need to let it go. I've been holding on to anger, to keep from having a melt down. But the anger is causing me much more strife than sadness ever did.

Yes, I was happy. We were happy. What I will take from all of this is that I can have everything I want in a person. I had always settled before, this time, I was crazy in love, and would do anything for him, of my own free will. I was the girl I always wished I could be. I know I can be, and I can have everything, and that's what I take from it.

I havn't been ready to meet my Mr. Right yet, I had more to learn. But I believe I'm getting there!

I can't worry that he is going to date other girls, and eventually, blame them when he can't stay faithful, or happy because he has nothing in his life for himself. He has no direction. When he can't blame distance on a relationship not working, maybe he will finally start looking inside himself. But I doubt it. It's easier to blame others. I spent many...many years there myself.

Me? I'll be ok. I cry. I laugh. I daydream about kicking him in the nads. I'm confused, I'm disgusted. I hate the whole trying to date thing. But this is the life I've been given and I have no choice but to live it, and make the best of it, or be miserable. I'm not a miserable person.

But what I do know for sure (Oprah moment) is that if I came so close to having everything I wanted, the next step can't possibly be a bad one. I'm carrying on being the same girl I love, the silly, sunny, optimistic one that no one can change.

I wont look back with regret. I didn't hurt that boy, he hurt me. And I am strong enough to start letting it go. So, I don't take it into the next relationship. I wouldn't want to be a "insert assholes last name here". (thats my new catch phrase for people who lead you on, or bring their baggage into a realtionship, or are crazy in general. It makes me feel better. Shut up)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Law Abiding Citizen....

As an upstanding citizen, I decided, that if I knew someone was breaking the law, I should most definatley report it.

Stealing cable is against the law. As stated on the cable website "You have to pay for it why shouldn't they?"

Yea. And I pay $75 a month. Living on your own, means, paying all the bills.

So I reported a cable theft. I mean, its been near six months of stealing.

Meanwhile, his stuff is currently soaking up four days of rain in my back yard. He knows its there, so, his bad.

Monday, May 17, 2010

(sing the Rocky Theme)

My girlfriend asked me to go here this weekend. It's where president McKinley is buried. I don't know my American history so I'm not sure which president he is but I did go inside and see his tomb. Actually, more like, used the tomb to cool off from being sweaty.

Is that against God or something? Good thing I have my own beliefs.

I did these steps 7 times up and 7 times down. It doesnt seem like much til you do it. And you are already sore from bootcamp. It totaled 1,440 stairs. My next goal is 10 up and down.

Oh and to find a place closer to home, this is too far. I think exdickheads distance phobia may have rubbed off on me. Did I mention he is a dick?

I also jogged around the middle area not pictured. I did this until I dry heaved.

This is a popular place and there was tons of people working out. Maybe I'll meet my future husband there.

In other news, the world is filled with perverted disgusting men, and I swear I will not let them make me lose my faith in love. I am so sick of people wanting to "chat" send me pictures of their dicks, or ask to see my tits. Seriously? If you saw me out in the produce section of Giant Eagle, would you do the same thing?

My generation really sucks. Reason 456,675,123 not to have kids. Dating will be 1,000 times worse for them.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Getting The Last Word...

While at the Speedway, buying my nightly jug of carlo rossi sangria, and cigarettes, I got carded. "OMG, you look so much younger than this, I'm sorry"

I said "that's OK, I just got dumped so you made my night"

She pretended to care, when I told her thats why I needed the wine and cigarettes, I was having trouble sleeping.

When I walked out of the gas station, I realized...I'm becoming my mother. I always hated when she told strangers unsolicited bits of information.

After that I went to Moms to check my OK Cupid account. I met exmanfriend there, and despite his recent crazy episodes, I was the happiest in that relationship than I ever was with anyone. You just have to weed out some nutjobs. Some take 3 years to emerge....

There, in my matches, was exmanfriend. That sonofobitch. With a picture I TOOK of him at MY APARTMENT. Classy! Of course we were 85% match, and until my profiles done the highest I can get is 85%. So, I decided to read his profile. You know you would too.

Total bullshit. I figured he needed some help so I sent him this message, the subject was "mileage".

"You should probably change your mileage preferences, so you don't turn up in profiles of girls that live 31 miles away (you know we lived too far apart to continue our 3 yr relationship) Also, you probably shouldn't pretend you know what you are doing, and what you want (says he's in school....he isnt) And, you might want to add your cat to the list of things you can't live without, since she's a deal breaker.

You should also probably block me.

Oh, my Mom says hi"

Um, yea so if you havn't read the break up letter he left me, its 2 posts down. Which explains why this was necessary.

Everything he wanted in his profile, he had with me. Which makes him an even BIGGER DOUCHE than I ever thought possible.

I swear he is going to be one of those dillholes that marries the next girl that comes along "to prove they aren't committment phobes". I cried for a week when my ex husband got remarried. It had been something like six years after the fact. And he was horrible to me.

This...will really....really hurt.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

When Life Hands You Lemons...

You buy yourself a nice diamond ring from work.
You stare at it and smile, and think about how awesome it is that you treated yourself to a rock and how your ex manfriend is a major cocksmoker, who will never be happy because he wont allow himself to be.

You also get back out there on dating sites, and meet some like minded people, who actually know what its like to be happy, and have done the work it takes to love themselves, and put the past behind them.

It reminds you that there is more out there for you, and you are going to find it.

Isn't it amazing what diamonds can do?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Crazy Like a Fox...

Imagine you log onto your FB account and see that you are no longer in a relationship. It's gone. And so is your manfriend!

Then imagine you jokingly text your manfriend "did you break up with me on FB?" Then imagine it wasn't a joke at all, and he really did dump you on facebook! Who does that? Who doesn't give someone the decency to break up face to face. On the phone. Something, before ending your relationship on FB?

The best part, that I think should be viewed by the entire blog world, is the letter he left me, which was suppose to explain why this all happened, out of nowhere. Two days after moving stuff into my apartment, in a relationship where nothing out of the ordinary ever happened...

..I realize that I have become more and more hesitant about moving in with you over the last week or so. When I first asked you if you would like me to move in; I have had some positive reasons to do so & some negative reasons not to do so. I have spent plenty of time trying to prepare for how this move will effect me and I have come to realize that I do not want to move to (your city) to live with you because its too far from my family & friends. While it may not make much difference at this point; my reason for not wanting to move in has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the fact that I will miss my family and friends more and more while seeing them less and less.

My other reason concerns mojo (the cat) and her well being. I know that you have always had a good home for your pets as you do now, you are great with animals and i have learned a great deal from you. I still feel awful for putting mojo through the "blending" process for however long it takes for her and the other cats to mix. I fear that mojo will not be the same cat after that and it means so much to me that she does remain herself and happy. I am not attempting to say that she will become traumatized or injured, but I do know that my relationship with her will change based on circumstances and there's no guarantee for a successful outcome. I have come to realize that I do not want to move in because I will have to put her through that.

While it may make no difference, I am sorry that I have changed my mind mid moving in, because I realize that you have turned parts of your house upside down so you can make room for me and my stuff as I slowly brought it down. I am sorry that I wont be living with you because you've wanted it for a while. So one day I asked you, you said yes, and I agreed, and then; I changed my mind. I would be really damn upset if I were you too. I hate having to let you down but I realize that I'm not going to be as happy living with you as I'd like to be because I have to sacrifice a lot on my part as well, so I can move in.

I have enjoyed our time over the last 5 months (since we got back together) because you have been able to make a better effort and so have I. I have been very happy with you and only you. We have helped each other through a lot of tough times, shared many great memories and experiences. I am truly grateful that we both have chosen to share the last 2 1/2 years of our lives together. I really appreciate your moving to (your city) because you wanted to find a better place for yourself and be closer to me. I wish that I could overcome my inhibitions and move to (your city) to be with you, I realize that I cannot. So what do we do? How long are we going to drive back and forth hoping we can find a common place to live? You made a bold move to move to (your city) and I dont expect that youd be looking to move even further north. After all of this is there any point? (he never asked me to move anywhere else, it never came up)

I have a lot of things that I need to finish; such as school. (he isnt even in school) I need to clean up my apartment so I can finally have a chance to enjoy living there instead of just storing a bunch of crap and using a few of my things. I need to get part time work so I can have more help getting my finances straightened out. I need to find one or two things to do so I feel happier and more balanced in my life. I have not taken the time to do so and thats my fault; not yours. If you have already realized that you've had it with me, because of my decision to stay in (his city) then so be it. If you havn't come to that conclusion then I need to be on my own and want both of us to move on. Either way, this letter and these thoughts are between us, and if you tell people that you dumped me, then thats fine with me. (use me as the scape goat)

The sony dvd player is yours along with the planters to do w/as you please. I have picked up my tools, clothes, and a few of my packed boxes that I brought down the other day. The key that you made for me is on the table and I would appreciate if you would destroy/dispose of the key to my apartment that I made for you. I do not plan on using FB as much as I have been, I want to tell you upfront that I have no intention of sending you rude comments, messages, or reposting pictures that you no longer wish to have up and Im asking you give me the same consideration.

If you want a reason why I want to go my own way, heres mine...we're never going to find a place to share that will accomodate both of our needs. (even though he never asked) We've been at it for a few years already. (it never came up until he wanted to move in w/me but ok) I havn't stopped loving you, I don't have an eye on someone else, and I have been 100% faithful since we got back together. I just need to focus on myself and my goals for a while instead of driving back and forth to (your city) as you do so we can maintain what we have been. I know its been hard on both of us. (never complained)I had a few great years with you and have not come to this decision easily, I wish you the best,

Signed, Dickhead

Ummm...really? You start moving in with a girl and THEN you decide it's not for you?

Sunday, May 09, 2010


I was tagged by Dave.

8th folder, 8th picture, tell a story. Luckily it wasnt one of the 8 billion cat or ex bf pictures I have.

This is at a concert 3 years ago in Columbus, Rock on the Range. It was an awesome time, six of us crammed into this really seedy hotel room next door to a strip bar. But it was super cheap, and we could smoke in there.

But all we needed it for was getting drunk before, and passing out in after. One of the best memories of friends!

Thursday, May 06, 2010

It pains me to type this...

No, really. Typing this blog actually hurts. Seriously. The world should go to bootcamp. Because I thought I was hot shit running at a 4.6-5.6 5 days a week doing hill intervals. Doing 50 minutes on the bike or the eliptical.

But bootcamp is no joke.

It was nothing like the old bootcamp I went to...in that, there were periods of rest for about 30 seconds between intervals. Old bootcamp you never stopped. If you stopped you made everyone run in circles holding a ball over their heads and everyone hated you.

My arms, shoulders, hands, feet, toes, calves, oh...my calves, thighs, butt, back, sides, stomach. You name it it pretty much hurts today. I still worked out at lunch, only i just ran a mile, and walked a mile and no hills. Screw that mess.

I picked a fabulous time to start, what with manfriend moving in soon, and having to lug boxes and go up and down steps.

Did I mention that my bathroom is on the second floor? Last night I nearly pissed myself avoiding the stairs.

But, in a month when I can do side plank dips for a minute, instead of holding myself up for 2 seconds and falling over like a turtle on my back unable to move..it'll all be worth it.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010


Today, I ate 3 bagels with cream cheese, an egg beater, and 2 peices of bacon.*

Um, yes, I said three bagels.

And I wonder why I don't lose weight, even though I workout like a maniac?**

Bootcamp tonight. I think I'm scared.

*Hello...it's only 1pm
**Secretly, I know why, but I like to blame something unchangeable like my metabolism or something.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

This group must somehow form a family...

When I was recently listening to a coworker rattle on about how they were having her boyfriends kids fly out for the summer, and how it was going to work out them hanging around with her kid, and who would watch them while they worked, and what would they do for entertainment....my eyes glazed over.

All I could think about was that me and manfriends biggest woe about cohabitating, is our pets.

Of course my kids are perfect. I have a blissful utopia of animal love going on. They wouldn't even kill a mouse (no...really they wont)let alone be mean or bully a new arrival. Getting a new dog didn't phase them.

Manfriend has a cat. Mojo. You may remember I found Mojo in the woods at my old place, and she hated my cats, who acted like they had no idea what hissing was when she hissed at them.

I've successfully intermingled several cats in my lifetime, so I know I can do it. Like most things, it just takes time. Manfriend is really super worried his cat wont be part of the crowd. Thats one of the reasons I love him. He worries about his cats happiness.

See, Mom...a man does love me despite my four cats, stinky dog, and new addition. (Mom always said no one would want to live with me with my menegerie...I held to the idea that the right guy for me would. And, he did)

Monday, May 03, 2010


Determination is working out on your lunch break, even though you know you forgot a towel for your after workout shower.

And you had to dry off with paper towels.