"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, November 25, 2011


So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Nice Guys Always Finish Last...

I dunno that I believe in the saying "Nice guys finish last". I also don't believe that when we die we all float into the clouds and meet up with family members, but don't get me started on all of that mess.

I don't know what it is that makes a woman question her own sanity, because a "nice guy" is into her, and she isn't into him. I don't think it has anything to do with being nice. Or, needing drama in one's life. (which, some people do, "hello, my entire 20's.....? anyone?!")

By a woman, I mean me. Yes, I have a nice guy who really likes me a whole lot, and puts a lot of effort into seeing me, and wants to take me out and spend time with me, but I'm just not that into him.

I don't know why. And I don't know that I have to know why? Do I? I'm just not! And I am leaning towards that being enough. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling.

I keep thinking, oh its going to just come along, I'm going to realize that, and he's going to blow my mind some day. I'll realize that he's good for me. But, I don't think I'm the kind of girl who wants to settle for "he's good for you". I mean, I still have all my teeth, my looks, and good health. I think that's the sort of thing you settle for when you are pushing around an oxygen tank, looking for someone to change your diapers.

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they settle. They lie to themselves. They let other people decide what they want. They sell themselves short. Deny what is deep in their hearts. Take what they have, and try to believe its all they want. Or, foolishly believe that by not falling in love, they are not getting hurt.

For me, love may still be in the form of exassholemanfriend, but ultimately I want the kind of love I felt when we were together. I still have no idea if this means him, or if I am holding on to these hopes because I want to feel like that again.

Having had that, makes me want to strive for it that much more. And makes me even less excited to spend time with someone I only like in a friendly way. I know what I want, so why waste my time?

I want the electricity. The butterflies. The passion. The giddieness. The sillyness. The closeness. The feeling that everything will be ok. Feeling like in that persons arms is where you belong, and the feeling of contentment that comes with it, still brings tears to my eyes.

I'm not afraid to put my heart out there. Because despite how much it hurt to fall so far from that high, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, to feel those feelings with someone again. I'm a hopeless romantic.

I think we all can have what we really want. If we just dare to believe, that we can.

*Hello, universe, take the hint, and bring me my future Mr. Me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Meek...

My laptop died. So I am contemplating making possibly one of the stupidest moves in the universe, and going to Wal Mart on Black Friday at midnight for a new one. I have never, ever....even been near a store on Black Friday.

If you never hear from me again, I was pummeled to death by some horrible woman wearing clothes that don't fit, dragging around 5 screaming children, trying to snatch up my HP laptop deal!

I'm terrified of Wal Mart on a normal day. So I am not sure what I am thinking. I am not mean. I am not aggressive. Those people will chew me up and spit my laptop-less butt out on the sidewalk!

I keep imagining how nice it would be to just go to HH Gregg, and finance a brand spanking new flat screen TV, and laptop 6 months same as cash, and not deal with the Black Friday mess at all.

The latter is sounding more and more exciting.

Are you going to shop on Black Friday?

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


What's new and exciting for the (soon to be) 36 year old single gal?

Well, um, I've got a trash can full of (the giant sized) moscato bottles that I'm not entirely proud of, more like embaressed, and slip 1 or 2 a week into the trash. Because for some reason, I care what the trash man thinks of my clinking bottles.

At this rate, I'll be on hoarders in a year. I'm drinking way more than 1 or 2 (giant sized) bottles of moscato a week.

I got the company suite this weekend for a Lake Erie Monsters game. "But don't you hate sports?" Yes, but I really enjoy sitting in that cushy room enjoying free beverages, and pretending to be better than the other 15 people at the game that night. And maybe....just maybe....getting to see a fight! (Hockey is not a big thing in Cleveland, which is why I always seem to get the tickets to the suite....)

Plus, you won't find the future Mr. You, sitting at home drinking Moscato and passing out by 10pm on a Friday night. You have to get out. See, and be seen! Go home disappointed, like every other person in the world.

I had asked TDH to go with me a few weeks ago, but I have since decided it to make it a girls night, and invited friends. Kind of a douche move, but hey, I sort of enjoy this "male type" behavior. I'll have way more fun anyway. I am wondering what I should tell him if he asks why I changed my mind. I'm not really wondering at all. That's a lie.

The ladies and I are also going to eat at Mongolian BBQ. Another one of the places plagued by memories with exmannfriend, and avoided at all costs whenever making the big trek to Cleveland..now it is going to be reinvented with my awesome girlfriends!

Look at me! Embracing singlehood!

One bottle at a time.......

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Technology has beaten me...

So I got my adorable Ford Fusion almost a month ago. It came with the Microsoft Sync system, which in short allows you to talk to your car. You tell it to make calls, read texts, and play your music using your cell phone.

I have spent every free minute of the past month trying to figure out how to use it. I've come to the conclusion that while it may just be a novelty to talk to your car and make calls, and read/send text messages....I still want to listen to my freaking music stored on my phone.

I have read the manual. And spent countless hours watching you tube how to's on syncing your phone with your car.

The woman that speaks to you, whom they call "Samantha" has become a horror dream voice in my head.

Since when is owning a car something that you need to hire a geek to figure out? I made it as far as to realize that my blackberry only accepts a 4 digit pin number, but the Fusion wants to give me a 6 digit number for my bluetooth. Supposedly there is a workaround, but I'm thinking in 2013 I'll finally go hands-free.

In other news, Mr. Magoo just loves the new car as it comes with a perfect puppy head rest.

And, I may have spent the best $1.97 on this clearance chicken costume for him...even if it was only for one picture.

P.S. he may not be my biological son, but I'm pretty sure he is the only one I'll have, so this makes dressing him up OK.

Friday, November 04, 2011

It's rough being so cute...

We attended a pet party this past weekend at One of a Kind Pets rescue, where I adopted the handsome Mr. Magoo two years ago.

Magoo just loves all things animals, and he makes fast friends wherever he goes. He was once, in this very same dog pen. Sitting all alone, sullen, and scared.

After getting photographed, sniffing butts, wagging tails, play bowing, and peeing on the toy display, he promptly went over to the excited beagle puppies, and laid down next to them, while they very excitedly howled, pawed at, and kissed his sweet little face.

I like to think that in his own little shih-poo way he was saying...."hey guys, just be patient, after being abused in a puppy mill for four years, getting adopted and returned twice, I finally got my furrever home, and you will too".

He's pretty much the love of my life. And, as sad as it may sound, I'm totally ok with it.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.


Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)