"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, March 30, 2007

The Weight Is Lifted....

It's Friday. And even though, I have to work until 7 in the morning, I feel so fantastic, all my bills are paid! I think it is a huge load off knowing I have nothing pending to be paid, and I'll get a paycheck in two weeks all to myself! I
can save again! I was still a little behind from not working the week I was on my deathbed.

Speaking of my deathbed, I'm calling the hospital later to set up payments. I technically, can't get health insurance even if I could afford it, for another week. So, I'm going to try for some sort of assistance. It doesn't hurt. I paid enough taxes in my lifetime for some freaking help. I aint too proud, ok?

I've been cleaning a lot of things. You would be amazed at how much junk I have. Just me. The back of my garage is stacked with boxes, and outdoor furniture. Every closet is jammed. I have a two bedroom, two story apartment with barely any space. I think it's time I simplified my life. So, I decided to move the computer downstairs into that living room, I never wanted it in my spare bedroom to begin with, that was CP's idea.

Unfortunately, I forgot when he brought it over, it fell apart, and it was nailed together. The peice of shit fell apart again, only worse, and it's being held together now with wood glue, and finishing nails. That's all I had! For my next trick, I'm going to throw out my old sofa downstairs, and get two or three bean bag chairs. It's not like I ever go down there really. It's basically a huge bed for the dog and cats to get their hair all over.

I have a dream. That I will own matching furniture. I don't think that's too much to ask. Like my end tables should match my entertainment center, and bookshelves. You know what I mean. Oh, oh oh, and I vow to own a couch, that has never been owned before! It's the little things! I really don't ask for much at all.

I watched "The Paris Hilton Tape". The funniest part is, I borrowed porn from my brother! I guess it's way more than what was online, from what I hear. I wont say who I hear that from, to protect their identity. All I have to say about it, is that she sure is a lousy lay. I dunno, I'm not a man, but she acts bored with it the whole time, never moves, gives an "mmmm" here and there, and jokes around. Sure, she may look hot, and have some oral talents, but when it comes to getting it on, I was hardly impressed.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Ms. Brightside....

Spring has Sprung! It rained a torential downpour, and what do I get? A stank downstairs. It smelled so musty and gross, I had to stay up Tuesday night cleaning the downstairs carpets, and putting two fans on them, and the de-humidifier. When I get my next place, It won't be in the middle of a river. I got enough problems with pets, let alone water stank!

Speaking of flowers, I had to order flowers for one of my VP's wives this week. I guess I thought that stuff only happened in the movies. And, I know he had nothing else going on for hours when he asked me to do it. I don't mind, Bubba's mom works at the florist, so it was a fun call for me to make.What'd she get? 21 red roses, for 21 years of marriage. Sent by the secretary. Ha! It cost $125. For flowers. *Sigh*

When I meet the man of my dreams, he wont think twice about doing things like that. Or, having his secretary do it. It's the thought that counts! At least he picked out what he wanted, right? And, can you imagine how wonderful 21 roses would smell? *sigh* I'll buy my own fucking roses. Better yet, I'll buy my own sunflowers. Their way cuter, and smell delish!

Speaking of work. Everything that comes to work, is opened in the mail room. No trading of business secrets, or shipping merchandise in our out of here. So, when I get my VP's mail it's already opened. I open it, and file it in folders. Anyhoo, someone I work for got a card from one of the field employees, saying that their hot and cant wait to see them in May. Nice huh? Men are all the same.

So, you remember how I said CP stopped calling me? Apparently, that's cus he was in the hoosgow. The slammer. The pen. Behind bars. Locked up. Nice, huh? Felony. A felony. I mean seriously, laugh if you want about me and all my thought changing practices with "The Secret", but I have been asking for a sign on what to do with the whole relationship thing.

I just Don't know about that boy. He said it's from back in November, which it very well could be. I've always been like a magnet for this sort of thing. I'm turning it off. No more addicts. I can't handle it anymore, it sucks your freaking energy, and makes you forget about yourself. It's too easy to blame them for everything, and forget that you have your own problems. I'm trying so hard to get myself put back together. I'm done giving myself away. Being told that I wasn't 'there for' someone, when clearly, I was the only one there. He was too busy worrying about his next fix to see it. I deserve more.

He is the one who made the choices that got him where he is. Not me. He was too busy breaking the law, while I moved on with someone else, and I am the one who is blamed for moving on. Forget that he broke the law. And lied to me. For ummmm....the ZILLIONTH time. And disappeared for two weeks. I'm the bad person for what I did. I'm done thinking that myself, and I'll be damned if I let someone else try to make me feel bad for my choices. I made them. It's my life. That's all I really wanna say about it.

Like a ray of sunshine I got a call from a girl at the po-po station, wondering if I wanted to give up any shifts. She's off next weekend, maybe she doesn't realize it's Easter? Whatever, sorry about your luck! So, now instead of working every wknd, I work every OTHER weekend. Which rocks. Yay me!

Kat got a new car that she is picking up today. She got a Mazda Miata 5 hardtop convertible. Have I ever mentioned how she sucks with her trips to Italy and Amsterdam, and her brand spanking new car? I can't be jealous, cus there is enough
for everyone. Jealousy comes from the thought that there is not enough good fortune to go around. See, one day, I'm going to have everything I want too. So, I can't hate her for it. Bitch.

Is there anything better than Cheez-its? I think not. Except maybe a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. But they are completely two separate things. So they can both be awesome in their own way.

Did you watch Lost? OMG. Loved it.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Like Attracts Like.....

Monday. Not much to say about a Monday. It's hot outside. I slept with my window open and I was still hot. It's either snowing, or hotter than hell. I can hardly wait for it to get hotter. I'm lying of course. I had a nice weekend. Friday I swept and cleaned my carpets. Its a regular occurance for me. This time I scotch guarded them mofos.

Oh, I failed to mention that I got my tax money! I've been willing it to arrive. Know what I got to do with it? I bought stuff for my dog at the pharmacy. Not fun stuff, eye stuff, ear stuff, skin stuff. A girl gets some extra money, and she has to buy practical things. Something doesn't seem right here. But you know, I'm reading "The Secret" so I have been focusing on being wealthy. So, when I checked out at Rite Aid, I got a number to call and enter to win $10,000. I took this as a sign from the universe, and I promptly called.

I forgot to mention that on Friday while reading The Secret, I came to a part that said to use the book to find the answers by asking for it, and flipping to a page. I did. I wanted to find the perfect relationship, I opened the book right to the part about loving yourself, and having a relationship with you. Imagine that.

I've been spending my 10 G's in my mind. With my new wealth, I'm going to pay off my car, and my credit cards, put maybe a grand away, and put the rest down on my house or condo. I might buy myself a new computer too. Since I'll be able to afford the internet. Saturday it was beyoooootiful out. I drove to Best Buy to get a CD. I have misplaced my Edwin McCain Scream and Whisper CD but you know how Best Buy blows balls and never carries anything out of the ordinary. So I got Three Days Grace instead. I freaking love "Pain" and now I can listen to it forever. (Pain, without love, Pain, I cant get enough, Pain, I like it rough, cus I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all)

Upon my checkout from the store, I got a survey to win a $10,000 shopping spree to Best Buy. Since I'm suppose to be visualizing things as though I already have them....I've had so much fun. Oh, I won't forget the little people. When you think about it, 10 grand isn't a lot of money. Saturday night I went to see the new Hills Have Eyes with Kat. It so fucking rocked. They sell beer at the theater now. $4 a bottle, but nonetheless, it's beer. We went to meet my brother after the movie for drinks, and ended up getting home at 4:30 a.m. I can still rock it.

I got my schedule for April at job #2, and guess what? I work every weekend. Lucky me. The money will be nice, but I told them I needed the 28th off and they scheduled me. I called a coworker to see if she wanted any shifts cus she got only 1 weekend. She took one, but not the 28th. No one wants to trade midnight shifts. Cus we all have full time jobs, and we all fucking hate them.

It seems though, that I wont end up needing the 28th off anyhow. CP has decided in only his own true fashion, to stop calling me again. No explanation, just no contact. Well, whatever. Maybe it's for the best. I just think a girl deserves a goodbye, piss off...something! That's usually my problem, I hang on til the bitter end. You know, getting kicked in the face only to ask for another kick. This is sorta like when I lost my job, and he was 'there for me' for a day, and then disappeared, the same goes with the death of my pet. He was there that day and I havn't heard from him since. I'm over it. I'm moving on. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not going to keep going thru this and going back. It's just not cool!

P.S. I finally saw 'The Departed' that movie was freaking awesome! I didn't expect to like it.

Friday, March 23, 2007

She's Like The Wind....

Has anyone heard the new cover, of Patrick Swayze's fantastic one hit wonder, She's Like The Wind? I'm hearing this for the first time, thinking to myself. Um, this sounds familiar. Yet, it's so different, it took the chorus to hit me. No. Fucking. Way. That is just wrong. Some things, are better left alone. If you havn't heard it, you have to. Oh no they didn't.

And, speaking of songs. I'm enjoying my new Chiller station on Direct TV. I've watched the original "Shining" commercial-free. "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane", a classic! "Demon Seed" the book that I loved by Dean Koontz, like all his movies was really shitty. "Cat People". "Cat's Eye". And, I now have "Tales from the Crypt" on my wish list. Which brings me to the music part. I thought..am I just senile, or did the Crypt Keeper have a rap? I seemed to remember it, but I could have been confusing him with Max Headrom.

I found the video this weekend on You Tube, where all good things from your past are resurrected! Remember this little ditty?

Why does it take my dog 2 seconds to shit on the floor, but an hour to sniff out the perfect spot in the yard? I busted her ass in my bedroom trying to drop a load, and took her outside, where she sniffed, and sniffed, and sniffed before she could let 'er rip. Why?

I'm going this weekend to see The Hills Have Eyes 2 w/Kat. I'm not living like I'm poor anymore, The Secret says to act like you have money, to bring more into your life. Besides, I have a free pass from Christmas. I am pretty excited.

Wish good luck to Tayray as she embarkes upon a new phase in her life, and leaves the loser ass company that "eliminated the job" of her friend. Good for her. Their going down anyways!

I'm off to a meeting. Lucky Me. Happy Friday everyone.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Not a very fun post today. My Chelsea bunny died yesterday. She was just as much my baby as my other pets. It's really sad. The way she looked when I got home I knew she was gone. She didn't look like it was an easy death, which made it worse to look at. Luckily CP came over, and he got her out and wrapped her in a towel for me.

From work, I called my vet, who is closed on Wednesdays. You'd think I would learn that after all this time. Theyd have to call her into the emergency hospital for me. I did pray yesterday for her to go on her own if that was what was meant to be. I didn't want to have to take her to emergency, go through all the hoping, and end up having to put her down. I feel really guilty that I havnt been able to keep up with her monthly visits for her ear since losing my
job in November. I don't know what it was that killed her, but I'm sure that didn't help. She also had a chronic respiratory infection, it flared up and she'd be treated, and it would subside.

I didn't say goodbye to her until CP dug the hole. I couldn't look at her. Looking at her made it so much worse. I put her in a box with a towel, and marked her spot with a bunny statue. I will miss her funny little antics. Stealing dollar bills from my purse. Her incessant bunny kisses. Her and her slinky. Her whiskers in my face. It's one more soul to meet me when it's my time to go.

Here is a tip. When someone's pet dies, don't say "get another -fill in the blank-". Just because you think of the pet as not part of the family doesn't mean they don't. My bunnies were just as important to me as my cats.

I was happy CP was there to help me. I couldn't do all that stuff without being hysterical. He got my gas for me. Tried to make me feel better, which is hard when a pet dies. Then he pissed me off. Brought up the trip he wants to take me on in April, back to the cabin we went to in December. He asked if I was going to tell him I slept with someone else while we are there, like I did the last time. Basically asking me if I've been with someone recently, while I'm upset that my bunny died. It pissed me off. A lot.

I slept until 11, watched Lost, and went to bed. I wasn't even excited for Lost. When I watched it, I was less impressed. What the fuck is wrong with John? He pisses me off. Sounds to me, like the people on the Island, all know "The Secret" too. But I wont be blowing anything up.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Times Are Changing...

I don't think I'll ever adjust to the time change. And now I find out, my Tivo, being an extension of my soul, is in the same boat. I got online to pay my bill, and there are instructions posted:

New software is available for all DIRECTV DVR with TiVo® Service platforms. In order to install the new software, your DVR must be connected to a phone line. If your DVR is not connected to a phone line, you will need to connect it and force a phone call to the DIRECTV Service.

Need I mention again, that having a landline is otherwise obsolete, except where my fucking TV is concerned? I havn't done the stupid "daily call" thing with it for 617 days and nothing tragic has happened. I'm not even sure why they want you to go thru all the trouble of making a daily call.

For the three weeks that follow the new Daylight Savings Time start date 3/11), your DIRECTV DVR with TiVo® Service may display the incorrect time. Again, to be clear, this is only a cosmetic issue and should not affect your Season Pass™ and WishList™ recordings.
If you have any MANUAL recordings scheduled between 3/11 and 4/1, you will need to adjust those recordings as appropriate.

It's affecting my recordings. It isn't recognizing some shows because I have them set up as a manual record, not a season pass. This comes in handy when you are recording old shows that don't appear as first run...like Charmed. (shut it) Or Tales From the Crypt.
Otherwise, it'll record every time it's on, which is 15 times a day. They suggest you change them, and then change them back. Fuck all that mess.

You see they state that it will fix itself on April first. Am I a dumbass, or isn't April first also April Fool's Day? Does this count as a legal disclaimer?

So, I'm geared up yesterday to call my credit card company, that raised my limit another 1,000 as a "reward" for being such a "good customer". I tried to call, and ask them to lower my rate instead. It's 29%. For the past 7 years. The non-english speaking woman told me they would send me a letter, blah blah, blow more smoke up my ass. In 7 years they raised my limit almost 4 grand, but won't lower my interest? So I decided to transfer as much as I could onto my other card as I have been doing, I only had about $300 available according to my records. When I logged on to do this, they had raised my limit by $500!

Now I thought yesterday about paying off debt a lot. Not about being in debt like usual. Not asking how I'm going to do it. I thought about being debt free. I told myself I am wealthy. And, the universe made the path for me to fix the situation. It's not gone, but it's better. And that's something I can live with.

I don't think it works for bunnies though. My Chelsea is sick. I worked all wknd, and due to the schedule, and their usual 'play time' schedule, I didn't have them out of their cage much at all. Monday, Chelsea was acting her silly self. She seemed thinner, but I also havn't given them treats in a long time, and she was a big porker to begin with. Yesterday I fed them, and met Kat out for a beer, and to chit chat. When I got home to let them out, it was clear something was wrong. Usually she hops right out but she just laid there. I picked her up and she's practically lifeless. So I spent the rest of the night snuggling with her, and picturing her healthy. I couldn't leave her and wake up to her being gone, so I slept on the floor with her in the bunny room. I put her in her bed next to me, and she got under the blankets to snuggle with me all night.

Think good thoughts about my girl. This is the last time I replace Boo's mate. I think he has something he keeps passing to the bunnies. She has that recurring abscess in her ear, and an upper respiratory infection that comes and goes that she keeps being treated for. I'm heartbroken. I don't want to go home and have her be gone. I don't have the $100 for an emergency let alone how much it will cost for everything else. I'm hoping an appt opens up at her regular vet.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What a Difference a Day Makes....

This is one of those stories, you don't want to believe. Yesterday I wrote this somber post below, about how I needed a change in my life. I never had time to post it, because I've been busy. By the end of the day, I decided I just havn't been myself latley. I'm tired of being in a funk, and I remembered the only thing that seemed to inspire me in the past several months was The Secret. I used it to get a job, and money. So I thought I'll go to Borders, and see how much the book is. It was $24, but half off. I thought, if that's not a sign I don't know what is. So I bought it. I went home, and started reading. I watched the Tivo'd Oprah I saved on the topic. The Ellen. And then, it was the topic on The View yesterday. All signs lead to The Secret.

While I was reading, I thought about a girl at work, who is going through a similar thing as me right now. I thought about how I should tell her about The Secret, even though it didn't seem like her cup of tea. I started making my dream board. I wrote down phrases to remember. Like Believe. Have Faith. I made my polar opposite list. Then I started to write what I wanted. Well, duh, I dunno what I want. That's my problem. The book said to start with what your grateful for and it'll flow from there. And it did. I now have a list of what I want. On a sidenote I spent this past weekend at work looking up condo's that I couldn't afford, imagining myself living there. That's part of the secret, and I didn't even know it. Dream big. It will be mine. It all goes along with the motto I have right there in my sidebar.

Anyways, so I get to work and when my coworker comes in I show her my book, and I say "I'm learning the secret". The look she had was of disbelief. See...she watched the movie last night, and was equally as inspired. We took this as a sign for us to move forward. And now, how I felt before today........

I think I'm depressed. I've been down this road before, and it seems all-too familiar. I was diagnosed with depression oh, about 8 years ago, and have stopped medication because like most people, I thought I was fine...you know, because medication makes you feel fine. And, I have had a lot of distractions over the years to keep me from thinking about myself.

A three year relationship with someone who was abusive to me. After a seven year one that was equally shitty, that ended in divorce. Then, the two year carrying-on with the sex part of that relationship. Thinking, that's all I need. I seem to recall while it was nice to pretend I was a man and just have the sex with no emotions...there were definately still emotions there. Only worse. Why doesn't he want me? Why am I good enough to have sex with, but nothing else? For a while it was fun, and empowering. But in the end it made me feel reallly bad about myself.

A four year relationship with someone I don't think I really loved, but he loved me and that made me feel like I had worth. The bad part of that was, I felt unfulfilled for a long time. I was able to blame the way I felt on him. It's always easier that way.

Most recently, CP. His problems with money, and drugs served as a pretty good cover for my own problems. Much like my ex-husband. Letting someone continuously disappoint you, lie to you, and hurt you, leads to a lot of self-hatred. Yes, he did those things to me and they hurt, but I accepted it.

And now, I'm suppose to be OK with it. Forget about everything that happened, and start fresh with him? I can't. I've told him all this. I'm not ready for any relationship. I need a better one with myself. I worked hard over the years to put all the peices of my shattered self-image back together. Only to repeat old patterns, and wind up in the same exact place. I don't like myself like that. I don't want to be dependant on someone else. And like I told CP, I don't want to be with someone who is OK with me not liking me.

My ex-husband once told me, that the way I handled the death of his friend forever changed his feelings towards me. Nevermind the many family tragedies I helped pull him through. That one thing made a huge difference in his life. I never believed him. Until now. One thing CP said to me runs like a tape in my mind every single day. It was after he moved out. And after I lost my job. When I needed someone the most, he was not there for me. On top of everything I was dealing with in my own life, he told me he had been back on drugs for months. Yet, I still wanted him to be in my life. He told me that he knows now, no matter what he does to me, I will always take him back.

Always? I don't think anyone always does anything. It made me realize, how he saw me. Basically, I'm a doormat. I thought I hung that job title up years ago, but apparently, it fit so well, I like to keep putting it on. Of course, he says he didn't mean it that way, but it really doesn't matter what he thinks, it's how I feel, how I took it. The same way you can look at a person and see perfection, they can sit at home and hate themselves without anyone having a clue.

I need to find happiness on my own. I know I can, I've done it before. It's not easy, because being alone forces you to examine yourself. I've had a lot of time for that, and it's just what I needed. I've been feeling like isolating myself. I don't do anything I use to enjoy doing. And no one can save me. This is my thing, and I have to deal with it. Me and CP have been going back and forth over being together, not being together. Living together, not living together.

He doesn't understand that I can't just forget everything that happened. He may have changed a lot since being off of drugs, but I have too. He use to live with a clouded mind, and I did too. Addiction affects everyone you are close to. I can see clearly now. And I don't want to be the kind of person that allows people to hurt me anymore. I don't want to keep building walls around my heart, because I miss out on what I crave the most, and that's love. Passionate. Stomach flops, always on my mind, can't get enough. Safe. Secure. Love.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Luck O' The Polish...

For St. Patty's Day, I wasn't blessed with the Luck O The Irish, no leprechauns brought me a pot of gold. Being of polish descent, I usually get the big screw, and in turn, have a story. I worked at the police station until 11. I went home, let the dog out, fed the animals, and made the 30 minute trek to meet my friends in the valley. Everyone else was also in the valley so parking took forever. I got to the bar at 12:30. I had a couple drinks, and some drama started, so we all had to leave.

Now, I peed before I left, but that's a long freaking drive. I had to go *SO* bad. I live in the boondocks, and the expressway is desolate. No gas stations to stop at. But one. If I can just make it to that bright Citgo in the darkness. A few seconds more. Hold on...hold on..I pull into the only gas station for miles. And the inside is fucking closed. Dammit.

I get back into the car, and start thinking of what I can do. I'm 15 minutes from home still. It's getting increasingly harder to hold it. I thought, I'm going to pee in something, what do I have? Now, my friend Bubba was able to pee in a cup once while driving, so I thought there was nothing to it. I had nothing. Nada. Wait, there's this plastic bag.

So, I pulled down my pants and underwear, while driving, and positioned the bag underneath me. I thought there's no way I can hold myself up enough to do this, and it 's going to just run all over my seat, and my car is going to smell like piss forever.

Have. To. Pee. I start thinking of side streets I can get off, and relieve myself. No, with my luck, the second I pull over, a cop will catch me pissing outside. There was a guy hauled in last night at the police station for pissing in a parking lot outside the Irish Exchange. I didn't wanna be that girl.

I keep driving. At this point, I'm hugging the steering wheel. Positioned perfectly to avoide any accidental leakage. Almost home. Almost home. Breathe. I finally just tell myself, that I can make it, and it'll be ok, if I need to, I can pee in my driveway. I take the exit before my normal exit, because it runs the back roads to my house, and I didn't want to drive "thru town" with my pants and underwear down around my knees, and wind up passing a cop. My one-horse town has nothing better to do than harass late night drivers. See the last time they harassed me here.

I'm off the expressway. I tell myself, you'll be home in one minute. I started counting to appease my bladder. One, two, three....Stop sign. Four, five, six...Oh god, by now, I'm shivering I have to go so bad. I make it to the last stop sign to the main road. Two blocks from home. One car passes. Another car passes, oh fuck, it's a mother fucking cop. I'm turning left. I have on my signal. I'm not doing anything wrong except trying not to piss myself.

I wait for him to pass, and I turn left. Now, I'm behind him. With my pants down around my knees. One block from home. He turns right into the church at the end of my street. The sight of my last pullover. Does a quick turn, and BAM, Now, he's behind me. I think FUCK! He's going to pull me over, my first thought is to try to pull up my pants, but then I think no, you'll swerve and he'll for sure pull you over. How can you explain how you are not drunk, but you have your pants down because you had to pee so bad you were going to pee in a plastic bag that you are now sitting on, in your car, while driving.

I thought I just got off work at the police station, I can tell them that, they can call if they want to. I turn on my right turn signal. I'm on my street. Finally. I can pee. And honestly, all I can think is, if he pulls me over, I'm going to have to piss my pants. The bastard turns right behind me. I made a quick left into my driveway, and up to my garage, and quickly turn off my car.

Safety. The police car sat at the bottom of my hill, until I exited my car. I couldn't make it obvious I had no pants on, so I pulled them up enough to where my coat covered the gap that would be my bare ass. Put the key in the door, turned out the light, and they drove off. I ran upstairs to the bathroom. And listen people, peeing never felt so good.Seriously, in no other town, is driving at 2 a.m. such a horrible thing to do. I have no idea why he felt the need to turn around and follow me. He was behind another perfectly good late-night driver. What was so special about me? I followed all the rules.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Luck of The Irish?...

It's the weekend. And I get to work Saturday and Sunday. Woo hoo! Nothing like a 7 day work week to round out your life. Last night I was in getting my clothes ready for work and I thought, is tomorrow jeans day? (Friday) Yes, Grey's Anatomy was on tonight, and yesterday was Lost. I'm so pathetic. My life revolves too much around the boob tube. But how awesome was Grey's? George and Izzie? I'm glad their finally giving her a story line that doesn't involve crying over Denny. Anyone catch the new show October Road? How about I freaking loved it?!

And, I made myself dinner last night. This may seem like no big feat, but I never cook for myself. I eat bran flakes, or orzo (which Kat got me addicted to). Or frozen vegetables. Or whole grain tortillas with cheese and lettuce. Cooking is for the birds. I also did this while working out. Well, I checked on things while I was walking on the treadmill. And...it was pretty delicious too! I made a turkey meatloaf, with egg whites, not whole eggs. It actually turned out really good! I used onion soup mix that I use for hamburgers instead of the usual meatloaf seasonings. I also made a big pot of homeade garlic and parmesean mashed potatos. And green beans. Yumm-eee. I enjoyed my scrumptious meal, and remembered why I don't cook for myself. The whole ordeal took a couple hours, with clean up. But then, I have left overs for days. A huge perk of living alone.

Yesterday, one of the other VP's called me at work, and asked me to get one of my
VP's on the phone for him. My VP was on the road, so I called his cell phone. Nothing happened. It didn't ring or anything. So I go.."What the fuck?" and I hung up. I tried again. Same thing, 10 seconds go by and nothing. So I say "This is fucking weird". And I hung up. I tried again, same damn thing. So I say "This is bullshit" and I hung up. I decided to just call the district manager my VP was traveling with and try to get him that way. Meanwhile one of the other secretaries asks me "Were you trying to get your VP on the phone?" I said yes, she said he's on my line. So I pick up her line, and he's laughing. He said "were you trying to get hold of me?" I said "yes, (so and so) wanted to speak to you, but it was weird, it didn't ring or anything" he said, it rang on my end, I could hear you. So, we had a good laugh over it. I could just picture him answering his phone "Hello" then hearing "What the fuck" and being hung up on. Classic. You would think I'd learn to clean up my mouth.

I'm going to get a sweeper tonight. I always buy cheap ones, and let me tell you...when you have 4 cats, a dog and two rabbits, one thing you need is a good sweeper. The last one I got was a hoover windtunnel. I got it at an outlet store because it was cheap, and "refurbished". By "refurbished" I mean it was peice of shit. The belt melts, and the whole thing smokes. I have to always have extra's on hand. The filters need cleaned after every sweep, and for me that's every day. I have to unclog each hose by shoving a cat feather stick into it to dislodge hair balls and rabbit pellets that accumulate. (this is a tried and true tactic btw) I do this shit every day. This requires loosening a screw and taking the thing apart. I'm tired of it.

Kohl's is having a huge sale, and I'm hoping to be able to either get one really cheap with my measley second job check, or put a good one in layaway. The prospect of a new sweeper excites me. Hi, I'm 31 and getting old sucks.

In order to afford said sweeper, I will not be paying the cable bill. Have I mentioned latley how bad it sucks to now be poor? while I am not destitute, and I can pay my bills and have some extra, I can't afford to have health insurance. I did figure while doing my taxes, that I made 18,000 more a year last year, while I worked 2 jobs and had a roomate! That's no typo folks. That's like a whole other persons income. I made enough for two people to live and what have I got to show for it? See why I am so freaking depressed? Just another reason taxes are evil.

Then, to top it off, I owe the state $5. Fuck the state. It snowed five times and they can't even keep the fucking roads salted, but I have to pay them $5 above and beyond what they already stole from me? There is supposedly some hardship tax, but that doesn't apply to me cus I was rich last year. Of course, I wasn't really rich, but the state seems to think I was.

Hope everyone has a happy St. Patty's day. Think of me working away while you enjoy your green beer and irish whiskey. Sniff sniff. But then, I'll be thinking about all of you while I'm hearing all the DUI calls on the radio at the police station, and hoping I don't see any of you pop up on the screen. Or better yet, I hope none of you get hauled in and I have to watch you on the freaking screen. And next week, I'll get a measley little paycheck for sacrificing my weekend fun.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Ice Ice Baby.....

First Let's talk about Lost. Go to the *** to pass up the Lost goodness. I'd like to point out that I called Jack's dad being Claire's Dad last season, when they showed his back story. I'm so fucking brilliant. It was pretty awesome that Locke pushed that eye patch dude into the electric trap. You know, it was because he was going to out him as having been paralyzed when they got on the island. That's totally what he was going to say before the French chick cut him off.

And again, with the list. At least we got a little more insight, people that weren't on the list are flawed. I suppose that explains them taking the kids, but pretty much we all knew that already. I think the birds mean something more too. Because of last season with Charlies vision of his Mom and Claire, and those white doves. It's just a hunch, and you see I'm pretty right about my show. What I had to watch three times, was Jack frolicking with gray beard guy at the other's living quarters. Ummmm...has he just accepted that he wont be let go? Is he acting? Is he on drugs? Did they stick him in one of those rooms with the wacked music, and the disturbing images?

How about the previews with Benry? How he knows John was paralyzed. And how he got that way? Benry is a freaking
It's snowing. Actually, it's an ice storm. I had my windows open til 8:30 last night. It was such a nice night. I was 26 min late to work. My body hurts. I have just done the usual walking for 30 minutes on the treadmill, and weights and abs on the ball, but I've doubled the abs. Not like I do a lot, its only 30 minutes combined with weights. Still, I feel like I was knocked down, and run over by a truck. I also have a nasty blister. I think cus I took 2 wks off when I was sick. My body is retaliating against me. I dunno why it has to be so freaking hard. Like life isn't hard enough.

At work, in an effort to save the world, and make money off of us I suppose, they are selling these spiffy mugs that are copper, and have the name of our grill on them, and the logo. They were five bucks, but anything you ever get in it is now only 50 cents. So you save like 50 cents on your coffee or pop, and my water will now be free. It costs me 10 cents for a *gasp* styrofoam cup. Free is always nice. And, why let us bring our own cups that we didn't have to pay for?

I've been so busy at work with the end of the month stuff. People in the stores get an award for everything. I really hope they appreciate the fact that it takes me 5 hours a month to do their awards. We have to keep track of all that stuff too. So, I know it's 5 hours. I'm also in the midst of coordinating 3 regional meetings for each of my VP's. The girl that had this job before me, has no record of ever doing it. No contacts. No hotel info. Nothing. The folders on the computer labeled regional meeting, are empty, and there are no files. I so love when people suck at their job. And my VP's travel Tuesday thru Thursday, so communication is via voicemail,
and it's kinda annoying. You gotta be the right hand for 3 people, and I only have 2 hands m'kay? But...I love being busy and frazzled. I dunno why. I just do.

Speaking of work, I saw a guy down the cubicle way from me who is named "Lumbergh". Ok, don't pretend like you don't know who that is. Ummmm...yeaaaa. From Office Space? I want to be his friend just so I can call him "Lumbergh". I'm pretty stupid sometimes.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dream Weaver....

Everyone Envy Me. I had the most fabulous dream last night, that I was just hanging out with Johnny Depp, you know like we're buddies. When I had to get a bath, he decided to get one with me. Yea, I was in the tub with Johnny Depp. I had the side by the spigot, so the tub kept dripping cold water on me. I think it was a sign to simma down. Too bad I woke up 50 times last night because it was like 100 degrees, and it ruined my potential sex in the tub with Johnny. I love dreams. Without them, what is life?

Like how me and a coworker spent $16 on the mega millions lottery last week, because I had the notion to play for 350 million. I took it as a sign, because I never think to play on my own. I was so sure I was going to win, I spent my lunch break going to various places for tickets. Then I drove thru Bath....which is a rich fucking place to live out here, and dreamt of owning one of those fabulous homes. I thought all my ducks were in a row. I came back and dreamt of what I would do with the money with my coworker. We took turns discussing our dreams. I'd of course start an animal rescue, and devote my time to helping the cute fluffers of the world. I'd buy a
house on the beach in South Carolina, and I'd buy one of those old historic homes in Charleston on the Battery. Of course, I'd go to Australia for a month. Eat Chicken on the barbie til I puked. Avoid the dingos in the outback, and drink all I wanted.

The mere thought that there was a possibility of becoming a millionaire filled me with such joy. What would happen to us all if there were no dreams? It'd be a sad fucking life, thats what!

It was so nice yesterday! It was 69. That is like, summer to us folks. I opened the windows at home. CP came over after I worked out, and we went for chicken salad sandwhiches and ice cream at the shop down the road. Everyone was out enjoying the nice weather. Too bad it's going to snow this weekend.

When we got back to my crib, I crapped for about an hour. I swear I am going to just officially become a vegeterian. Every time I eat meat, I get the craps. Every. Time. I don't eat it every day, or even every week. I'm not a big meat eater in the first place, but now, it is ridiculous.
Plus, I'm poor now, and meat costs too much. But, uh, what the fuck. This is only a recent thing for like the last 6 months or so. Getting old really blows. Really.

We had an earthquake in Ohio. I didn't know anything about it until I heard it on the news. I don't get into the news much. Unless it's like Dateline.

Wanna see something gross? My sister sent pictures From the accident. This is my Momma's arm. The other ones in a cast. I'm not sure if that's her pee container in the picture. Whatever. I spared her the embaressment of putting her face on the net. I warned you, it's disgusting. Here's the car.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Maybe It'll Knock Some Sense Into Me...

I hate this early time change. Why on earth do we have to get up when it's dark out, when last week it was
bright and sunny in the morning? Whoever thought up this idea is a fucking moron. I hate it. I had a horrible nights sleep. I Had a dream I moved into this huge freaking house, and it was haunted. This is because one of the shows I watched where they renovate houses, was a haunted house. Anyway - it wasn't a good haunting, and I remember waking up and telling myself it was a dream, and I'm in my apartment that is not haunted. Safe and sound. But it was so real. I thought I could keep the ghosts out with cardboard on the windows.

This is way different than the year 2000 change. I don't remember any problems then. This time shit has screwed up my TV, and all my VP's calendars at work. They are all in different time zones. Only, we're all here in Ohio. Know what else this time change screwed up? My friggin Tivo. Not so much my Tivo but Direct TV. All day yesterday, it's the wrong time. When I tried to record things, it would tell me it was in the future, only it was really that time. And, everything was off by an hour. I bet I have to connect to the telephone line to fix it. And, who the hell still has a land line? Not me. Bastards better fix their shit, before it effects something important. Like, Lost...or Hogan Knows Best, or Real Housewives of Orange County. My contract with them is up, so they better not piss me off. I'll take my business elsewhere.

Oh, except for the fact that they just added a new channel. It's called Chiller. Guess what it is? ALL HORROR ALL THE TIME! Next to the reality network, I really don't think they could have come up with a more perfect channel for little ole me! It has tales from the crypt, Twin peaks, Alfred Hitchcock, Nightmares, and all sorts of old movies. Like The People Under the Stairs. And Swarm. The Blob, and Cat People. C'mon, this is a genius idea!

I did some spring cleaning yesterday. If I die, this is what happened. I was sweeping the garage, and out of nowhere, one of my stupid bikes came crashing down off the hooks in the wall, and hit me square on the side of the face. Sure it hurt when it happened, but only for a minute. Today, my head feels like it is going to explode. My right eye hurts, and that whole side of my head feels like its pulsing. Probably just the blood clotting in my brain. No biggie. Just so you know, if I like, drop off the face of the earth or anything. I moved a picture and realized that I had to wipe all my walls down again. I just did it in November. Smoking isn't only bad for your health, it's bad for your environment. Maybe that bike knocked some sense into me?

I really want to quit the second job. I really hate it. It isnt so bad working midnights, but next wknd I work afternoon shifts, so I'll have to deal with people. I so wish I could make money other ways. I just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's yesterday. You know...like trips to the powder room for $50. Only, I'm worth more than $50. And I suppose if I think I'm worth more than $50 I shouldn't joke about selling myself for trips to the powder room. Ho hum.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Mom's surgery went well. She's still in the hospital and from what my sister says, she's not happy about it either. You know they want to keep you in there to charge you an arm and a leg. It's the American way. Sis said she is going to take time off work to help Momma, since she has pins in her one hand and the other is in a cast. She'll need help with her hygein. I'm glad it's her and not me. Sorry Momma. And in my Mom's true form, she is of course concerned about how her eyelashes look, and how she is going to curl her hair.

At work I met with one of my VP's and my manager to go over his expectations of me. It was pretty interesting. He asked if I thought his job was more important than mine, and of course, I was like uh, yea. I am but a lowely secretary. He said he doesn't think that at all, and that we are a team, and he can't do his job without me. I guess it made me feel a little better about my job and all. He said he wants to depend on me more, and in turn, I'll learn more about the company, and we both win. I like that sorta thing. It's hard being new, not knowing who to ask for things, or where to turn when you have questions outside of the department. That is something that only comes with time.

I have to friggin work St. Patty's day at the police station. If I wasn't poor and getting a 13 hour pay check next week, I'd just call off. I only work 3-11 so hopefully I can still go out and kickit with my homies. St. Patty's day is an excellent day for drinking.

Don't forget we turn our clocks ahead on Sunday. It's going to save us all a load of money on our energy. I really don't believe that, but whatever.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I Bought My Best Friend Today...

I've been a bad blogger. I hate people like me. It took me an hour to get to work today. An hour. It snowed like three measley inches. The traffic was stopped on the expressway. I had to get off, and go in the back way. Traffic was stopped that way too. Don't ask me what the fuck the deal was with that, cus I dunno. Now I have to work over 37 minutes to make up for it. Have I mentioned how I don't get paid for not working last week? I'll get a 13 hour paycheck. I'm gonna be so screwed!

It's hump day. The only fun thing about hump days, is that it also happens to be Lost day! Lost..the show for which my sun rises and sets. I was lost last night, CP rented some weird movies. One was the Prestige. It had big people in it, but the movie was wack. The other was Stranger than Fiction with Will Ferrell. Uh, I didn't get that movie at all. I saw a Stranger than Fiction years ago, with some not so big actors, I highly recommend that movie, not the Will Ferrell one.

Mom and sis were in a car accident yesterday. Im hundreds of miles away, and helpless. Mom is having surgery today on her wrist, I guess its shattered, and they don't know if she might lose a finger! I didn't really get to talk to her, cus she was doped up on morphine last night. Guess what? My sister just paid off her car. Doesn't that figure? It's totaled. Moms hand got caught in the door it opened and shut on impact. Sis hurt her ankle, and is sore from the air bag, but she stayed the night with Momma in the hospital. It's sad! So keep them in your thoughts. I hope everything goes ok! You shouldn't move away from your family cus then it causes them undue stress.

Today I bought myself some jewelry at work. I am able to put it on an account and pay for it up to 6 paychecks. I bought myself these earrings. Of course I got them at cost...plus 15%. Muh ah ah ah ahhhh. There are a lot of things that I want to buy. But I'm happy with my purchase, now I have real diamonds for both my peircings. And we all know that diamonds are a girls best friend. This is when it's ok to buy your friends.

Speaking of buying and selling friends. CP and me are giving it a go with the living together thing. On a part time basis. He wants out of his brothers and I need money to pay off bills, so I can save for my condo. If I pay off 2 credit cards, I'll be sitting pretty. It's only two grand. That's not bad at all. And next year my car will be paid off. And even if I get another car loan, it'll be considerably less of a payment since my credit was bad when I got the one I have now.

I didn't work this past weekend at the police station. Because I was still freaking sick. But that means I don't get a paycheck. I still want to quit that joint, but I need the money. I need a job where I get paid to not work. Know of any? Yea, me either.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Even Typing Hurts...

I'm still on the road to recovery. I have been in a haze for a few days. I lost a week of my life, and I'm not quite sure where it went. I remember sleeping. I remember Nick at Night. Growing Pains. Cosby Show. Coughing. Peeing on all my clothes, and blankets. Starting my period. Hacking up a lung. Going to emergency. A painful burning shot. Oprah. Feeding the dog. A rabbit in my face.

Then it's like I woke up, and there was spilled puke on my carpet, trash everywhere, 24 popsicle sticks, and several empty water bottles. The puke wont come out with the steam cleaner. I also found several dog accidents, along with a few of my own accidents too. I think it's the fact that my dosage was one teaspoon of cough syrup every 6 hours and I was taking 2 every four hours. The codine knocked me out. It's the only sleep I could get. What the hell is one teaspoon going to do, when I am coughing so hard I'm peeing myself, throwing up, bursting blood vessels, and getting hemorroides? Have I mentioned the lady-like fact that my asshole is on fire? From coughing so hard? Hello?

I've got blood coming out of every orafice, my nose, my lips, my ass, my you know who cus it's my time of the month. I feel like absolute hell. Yet, I got up and drug myself into work today to make up some hours. I don't get paid for being sick. I'm still 'new' and I have no sick time. I'm so screwed with 1 weeks worth of pay to cover a months worth of bills. It's always gotta be something.

Last weekend me and CP had a talk about seeing other people. He feels that it's why I'm holding back moving in with him again, and it's part of it. I wonder what else is out there, if I'm meant to be with someone else. I dunno that I want to be tied down. I don't want to have him move in and then have to have him move out again, its not fair to either of us. I like living alone. I would also like to be able to go out with other people, and see if that's what I feel I need to do. I'm not getting any younger. I think I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Seeing the ex husband also helped kick me in the ass. There is no reason I can't have everything I want, I just have to work towards it and stop expecting it to happen to me, and make it happen for me.

Until next time..... watch out for that norovirus. It's a mother fucker.

Friday, March 02, 2007

It's Alive!...

Well I was down for the count. 5 days and still counting. I caught a virus. A Norovirus. Which means I had the shits, and pukes, and a hacking cough for days on end. Most of my department, and the managers that came in from out of town, caught a virus. An epidemic.

It started Sunday night with the sweats, then cramping, then body aches. Then I got up about 5 am and got a super hot bath to warm myself up. I ended up calling off work all week. I had a fever of 102. I couldn't believe it was that high I kept taking it. It wouldn't go down because I kept puking everything back out, and I couldn't take anything to relieve it. Then of course, taking hot baths really helped. I took about five hot baths. I can't wait to see my electric bill for that.

Mom got wind of my being sick so her and my sister were calling all my friends trying to get someone to take me to the Dr. I didn't want to go, I have no insurance! Finally Kat braved sickness and brought me chicken soup, OJ, crackers, and a trip to Stat Care. She even filled out my little patient slip for me. I looked like a total freak, I mean I'd be embaressed to be seen with me. I had way messy hair, bloodshot puffed out eyes, mismatched PJ's and no bra. I was hacking so hard, I was peeing myself when I didn't even have to pee. I got hemorroides too. Isn't that a treat? All from coughing. I couldn't stop coughing or puking. On top of all that I started my period. What could be worse?

At emergency they gave me a shot in the buttocks, and I passed out with my little puke basin on the table for a while then they let me go home with some meds. I just wanted to sleep so Kat took me home. The next day Bethie came to get my scripts for me and fill them, and got me popsicles. If not for my friends and family I'd be dead in a pool of my own urine. Seriously. It just goes to show once again, how you really don't need men for anything as long as you've got good friends, and I'm lucky enough to have that.

CP came over and brought me some Ginger Ale after a couple days. He helped me to the potty. I seriously had trouble with my balance. It was the danged medicine they have me on. Now, I have to call off the second job. They scheduled me 11p-7am tonight and tomorrow. I have been at work 3 hours and I can barely keep my eyes open. They can screw right off if they think I'm coming in that place. I have still yet to be paid for working an 8 hour shift on 2/17. Their shady mofos. Here's to living again.

The good thing is I havn't smoked in 5 days. The sad part is I've actually tried to make myself. I can barely breathe, my capacity was at 85% when they tested me at the dr. My throat is raw and scratchy so it's near impossible to do. I'm hoping to just be done with it after this is all said and done! The worst part is supposedly over.