"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Showing posts with label dating sucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating sucks. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I May Be an Official Re-Virgin...

I just love the dating scene....said no one over 21, ever!

I am not ashamed to say that while dating here and there, I have been celibate for 17 months. Good Godfrey in writing it seems even longer!!

I say celibate, because it sounds more like a decision vs. an affliction. Which...I guess it is, because if all I wanted was sex, I could certainly make that happen, right?

The last time was with exmanfriend. Someone that while I was not in a relationship with at the time, I once deeply loved, so it seemed perfectly OK. Now,  the thought of just tossing it away after all of this time seems silly. After you go for so long without being intimate, your goods turn back into a gift again.

While I have not lost the desire for sex, the thought of waiting gets easier the longer I wait. I have the most amazing dreams about sex with the most random people in my life, which is quite amusing.

That being said, I have yet to find those "fireworks" again, and I'm holding out until I do! (I think...)And despite the long cold spell...I still want it all. Nothing less!

Plus, it's going to take a very special man to understand that while I may love spooning, I would never make my Mr. Magoo get out from in between us in the bed.

I mean, just look at him. He's so completely worthy of a double spoon!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

If I'm So Awesome, Why am I Still Single...

I tell you what. Before I embarked upon my journey of self discovery, self improvement, and fitness, I sure had a lot more dates!

I certainly don't have movie star looks, but I'm starting to sympathize with them. You know, like when they are asked if they are dating and they say "I havn't been asked out in.....(fill in the blanks)".  And you think "boo-hoo, rich movie star, you don't have a date..I feel soooo sorry for you."

But then the average Jane can totally relate! When I felt like crap about myself, and barely had a pot to piss in, I got asked out all the time. Now that I am happy with myself, have money, and nice things...crickets!

I like to tell myself that it just means I am meant for greater things. The wait will be worth it. And sure, when I activate my online dating profile I get a ton of messages, but how many of them are from someone I would actually see myself dating? Zero.

My friends say I should take things into my own hands and initiate conversations with guys. As practice.

The thought terrified me, but recently I've had success with talking to married, non-threatening men who take classes with me at the gym. So I discovered, it isn't all boys who terrify me. It's just the cute ones!

So I decided at Earth Fare, I should ask a cute stock boy if they sold peanut flour. I learned this where I learn most things, from watching TV! It was on an episode of MTV's "Made" where the girl was also terrified to talk to boys.

In the end, I shared way too much information about my search for peanut flour. Where I'd looked, and what I wanted it for. And since they didn't sell it, I had no idea when or how to end the conversation.

I got the feeling he just thought I was weird. Or desperate for a friend.

I swear, internets, I am NOT socially akward. I just have zero game!

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

On Potential Stalkers...

I'd been messaging back and forth here and there since about December with a guy. Nothing major, but no red flags. So, when he gave me his digits I used the balls I grew last month, and called him.

Wow, what a great conversation! We talked for an hour and a half, laughed, the conversation flowed, everything seemed great. Lots of things in common. I was excited when we made plans to meet two days later for coffee. I even texted my Momma to let her know I may have met a dateable guy.

Luckily the crazy train pulled into town before that ever happened.

25 minutes after our first conversation he started sending me more pics of himself. Ok. Then he texted me fishing for compliments on the pictures. Then, he asked me to send  him pics. And asked me twice if I did it. Then asked if he should reboot his phone to see the pictures I didn't send.

When I didn't respond he called me. He wanted to tell me he was on his way to get dinner. And ask if I liked his pictures.

20 minutes later, he called to tell me he was done with dinner, and he couldn't wait to meet me. We talked for about 10 minutes.

In the next 20 minutes I got quite a few texts about how beautiful I am and how excited he is to meet me. And by the way, did I send him pictures?

Then, you guessed it. He called again!

This time I didn't answer. I mean, really? Mr. independant, OK with a girl having her own life, couldn't stand that I didn't text him right back within seconds.

Then after several more texts, he texted me that he was sorry if he was bothering me but he was so excited to talk to an amazing girl like me.

I think all these compliments work for people with no self esteem, but buddy, I know I'm awesome, and you are laying it on a little too thick in the first couple of hours.

Then, it was 9:00 and everyone knows The Walking Dead is on. So I texted him that I was busy with watching my show, it was my sacred time.

He texted me "oh, ok, enjoy your show, text me later if you want".

A few more of his texts came thru, that I ignored because, I'm busy...so then he sent "aren't there any commercials in that show?"

Then he sent me a youtube video by Kenny Chesney called "come on over".  Which I didn't even watch. Followed by a Rascal Flatts video "God bless the broken road". Ehh, you know me a few hours, and you thank god we met?

Um...it's too much!

Then he texted me "I can see you thru your window...boo! LOL"

LOL? Really, that's funny?

Followed by "did I scare you?"

This went on for a long time, until finally I texted him I was going to bed.

The next morning I had 3 texts between 7 and 7:25 when I got up. They were full of terms of endearment, hope you slept well beautiful's, and lots of "xoxo's" . Followed by a phone call at 7:30 am, that I did not answer, because a) you are crazy and b) I'm getting ready for my JOB!

Then, several more texts. After an "are you alive?" text,  I finally told him around 9 am, that my heart is beating, and I was in fact....working.

He said he was off work that day. And told me not to work too hard. Call him later.

I mean, this went on and on, and on and on and on and onnnnnn!

It was obvious, I had to block this guys number. So I texted I didn't think I was ready to meet someone off the internet.

And then I blocked his number from calling or texting me.

Then, a few hours later... I blocked 4 more numbers that kept calling me. When I googled the numbers, they were from his place of employment. Where, he was not working that day but was steady calling me like a champ. 

The following day was quiet, until 2pm. When I was on my lunch break, running...and got another call, 1 digit off from a blocked number from the previous day. From his work. So he was trying all the lines at the job.

I blocked it as well.

After the gym that night, I got yet another missed call from his place of employment and a garbled VM that I can't decipher.

I blocked that number as well.

And I had an entire day of peace. 

I mean really? All that mess because of an hour and a half conversation, and a potential coffee date? Even saying you are not into someone isn't enough. If someone told me that, I'd be over it in a second.

But then I'm not crazy.

The best comment comes from my Mom, who is addicted to the ID channel, and relates all stories back to being murdered and stuffed in a trunk. "Well, you know how men are crazy for sex and murder".

Thanks Mom!

Aaaaand....fade to the single girl who is perfectly content with being single.

This really pushed my recent 'no weeknight drinking' rule to the test!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Recycling Dates...and Online Dating...

So, it's been far too long since I've been out on a date with someone I havn't already dated, you know....someone I know it isn't going to work with, but I still want to get out, and have fun, and maybe have some, you know,  "time" together. This is always done under the assumption that it is what it is and it isn't going anywhere further. Old friends, I like to say!

Recycling old dates don't count toward your "number" and I am still in the business of caring how high my "number" gets. At least, this is how I justify going out with people that I know are not going to marry me. Whatever works.....right?

So, I re-activated my online dating account for about two months in hopes that maybe things will be different this time.

And that time was spent deleting dozens of "hi" and "you're cute" messages, while denying instant messaging from people with no profile pictures who wanted to chat, while I was online deleting messages.

A tip... if you are expecting a girl to be interested in you....send her a legit message, ask a question, refer to something in her profile....don't just say "hi". "Hi" screams "I just want the booty", and if you had taken the time to read my profile, you'd see, that is so not what I am looking for. You can get that anywhere! And upload a picture. What are you hiding? I have mine out there, why can't I see yours? That seems very fishy.

I happened to get a message from someone I dated last summer for a few months. Nothing was really "wrong" with this guy. At the time, I thought it didn't work out because I was still hung up on exmanfriend, and it was just bad timing, because I expected things to be with him how they were with exmanfriend. Wrong.

He asked did I want to go out again and give it another shot, he said text him and we'd get together. We exchanged numbers again. I messaged him the next day, just a lighthearted message.

Then I didn't hear from him for 11 days. At which time he asked me out on a Thursday for the following Saturday, and I just told him "I think we have incompatible communication styles".

I then realized the reason we quit talking probably wasn't because I was hung up on my ex. It was because he would only randomly respond to my messages. I mean, it only takes 2 seconds to respond to a text message. I don't expect a conversation, just an acknowledgement that you got my message. "Good to hear from you". "We'll make plans soon". Anything. Don't just ignore a girls text for almost two weeks, she will move on!

I mean, I did  read "he's just not that into you" years ago, so I know, that I deserve a response!

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Dating... Advice?

Dating. Not my top priority these days, but it's still in the back of my mind.

I don't feel like I'm missing out, I mean, I havn't been on a real date (with someone I havn't already dated before....ahem...) in a long while.

I've said a billion times I'm at the point where if you don't knock my socks off, keep it moving. I'm living my life just fine, thank you!

Being only one of two single girls in my social circle, I get a lot of advice as to why I'm "still single". (like it's the plague)

Here are just a few samplings of unsolicited advice I've gotten...

Apparently, I can't go shopping without getting done up. I never know where I will meet someone. So I guess it's unacceptable to go to the store after the gym. I should rush home, shower, spend an hour on make up and hair, (after already doing so for work in the morning) and THEN go get my wine...I mean, food, or kitty litter, or...whatever.

Aren't there any guys at your gym? I should frequent the weight room, ask a guy to help me.

Do you always wear that ring? Apparently, guys are dumb, it doesn't matter if I wear my beautiful antique inspired, self-bought diamond ring on my right hand, they probably still think I'm engaged.

I  need to hang out at Barnes and Noble, there are ALWAYS guys there.

I need to order food at a restaurant by myself and sit at the bar. Someone will pick me up.

I need to flirt more.

I should strike up a conversation with someone I think is cute! I need to practice!

I shouldn't meet someone online!

I should meet someone online!

I need to stop hanging out at the gay bar, how will I ever find a man that way?

I need to get out more often.

I should join a social group. (what is a social group?)

Buy this dress for a date!!! (that I don't have) It will inspire me to be more open to dating because I already have an outfit.

I can't expect a guy to always make the first move I need to go for what I want!

I should be more outgoing, guys love confident girls!

I should meet a rich guy, he will take care of me!

What ridiculous advice have you gotten? Or am I the only single girl left in the world?

Monday, December 31, 2012

Out With The Old...But...I Didn't Mind The Old..

I have been "single" for more than just this past year, but for the first time in a very long time, I actually focused on me in 2012. I stopped waiting to do a lot of things I had always thought I would do, because I wanted "someone else" to catch up and be in the same "place" as I was. I stopped wishing for what might have been, and started embracing what "is".

I stopped using the phrase "when I met the right person I will...." and did whatever it was I wanted to do, on my own.

I can't say that I am completely over exmanfriend, but I have come to the realization that while I have continued to grow both in and out of our relationship, he is still stuck in the same place, unwilling to move foreward. I know that it's something that will not change, and that makes it easier to picture my future without him.

I had a fabulous 2012. From marathons, to buying new furniture, to realizing that I am in fact, a pretty amazing girl, who deserves everything her little heart desires, and settling is not an option.

I can't say that I'm happy to see 2012 go. I had one of the best years I've had in a very long time, and all it took was being true to myself.

I hope you all had a spectacular 2012, and if it was hard, I hope you can take away the lesson in the hardship.

Here's to new beginnings. Bring on 2013!!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Dating is Ok...

As I like to tell my only other single girlfriend....when we feel sad about not being in "a relationship" or "where we thought we would be" at this point of our lives....our married, and or friends with kids are far more jealous of our single girl status, than we are of theirs. So, we need to embrace every moment while we have it!

I've been on a few dates with a guy over the last couple months. I have been keeping it low-key so as to not be like "the girl who cried love". Not that the "L" word is a factor. But you get to dating people, and get your hopes up and start jumping to conclusions, and I'm trying not to do that this time. Slow and steady wins the race.

Novel idea, I am just dating the person for the sake of dating. Going out, having fun, and whatever happens, happens. For the first time in a very long time, I'm quite content with my single-girl status, so the idea of not being overly gung-ho is quite easy. I got my own thing going on, and going on dates are just a bonus to my already awesome life.

Welcome to your mid-thirties!!

When we are together, it feels like it is just us, and that's all any girl can ask for when just "dating" someone.

We went dancing a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember the last time I was dancing with a boy....probably several years back with exmanfriend. It was a blast. I didn't even care that I was so sweaty, it looked like I was caught in a rainstorm...and neither did he.

At one point,  Michael Jackson's "don't stop til you get enough"...came on..which I happen to have a dance routine to from my hip hop cardio class, and I sooooooo wanted to get out on the floor and cut a rug...but at that point, we were seated at the bar, and he said he was having fun flirting with me. Thank God, I don't know what would've happened had I tried to break it down on the dance floor, solo!! Vodka...I love it!

This weekend we took in a winery, and had our own table down on the lawn away from the crowd, and got to see some fireworks. (not just the ones we may have created from kissing....watchout!) 

I missed enjoying someones company, and not just looking forward to the moment when they leave so I can go about my business. I like sharing my business with someone else, if it's the right someone.

And, it was nice to tap into his god given talent as a man, to master my new DVR box for me, and got my remote to work on all my electronics. (I was unable to watch DVD's...I could NOT figure out how to toggle the TV...don't judge!!) (I'll never understand why this comes so easily to men....???)

We are going to see each other again, and are talking about planning a camping trip. I havn't been "real" camping in YEARS, and I SO love it!!

This weeks focus, however, is to get in all the miles I can, so I can get an awesome 5k time on my Friday night race downtown!! I can't wait!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Meddling Mother....

My mother cannot stand the fact that she has no grandchildren. I feel for her I suppose...but I also have given her 5 perfectly nice grandpets in the place of needy human children.

She feels it is her duty to marry me off, so I can produce said grandchildren. I'm 36, and my married, and or/with children friends far more envy my life, than I do theirs. Not that it matters...but I love to be so free!

Said meddling mother, has now taken it upon herself to try to get me to go out with someone I am just friends with. Friends, because I am just not attracted to him, and I don't fell it!!!

My Mother, has friended said friend on "FB", because he has a business, a house, a boat, and a sense of humor...but after their becoming friends, this has led to an even greater reason I will never date said friend!  They tend to team up against me publicly when I go on "dates".

I don't need my personal life laid out as a commentary between my own Mother, and a friend....on facebook!!!..ummmm....get a life!

Really? I'm finding my life of leisure is quite enjoyable. I have no strings. I can date whomever I want, plan my life according to what I feel like doing.....? I don't need the bullshit backlash, who does?

I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, until I find someone who makes me want to stop the keepin! I owe it to myself, afterall!

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Self Esteeem

I have kept in touch with exactly two of my exes in my whole life. One has been since we broke up back in 1999. It's been different thru the years, friends, friends with benefits, friends, we just never lost contact.

When I met exmanfriend, I changed the rules, it was 3 years of him wanting to see me, and my firm answer of no. Every few months he'd check in. and I'd say I had never been happier. I couldn't see myself without exmanfriend in my life, so the benefits are not on the horizon.

Now, said ex is getting married. For some reason his upcoming nuptuals, and my single-ness have spurred his interest in having friendly benefits with me again. "one last time" as if it is perfectly OK, because I am single.

I try to be a friend and tell him he shouldn't marry someone he doesn't think he will be happy with, and is trying so desperately to cheat on, but he thinks one last "hurrah" is going to make his lifetime of matrimony better, because, through the years, I've been there. 

But what about me? I am so not the girl that will settle for a romp with an ex just because they want to. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it anytime, with a single guy...hello, I'm a girl!

I am a firm believer in karma. What goes around, comes around.

I don't need that bad karma in my life, I have had enough bad luck in relationships!

Recently, said ex needed to buy a quick used phone from the same provider I have, and I happened to have a perfectly good phone, and the need of some fast money, so I said I'd sell it to him.

We met up for the business transaction, and I got such a great satisfaction at the fact that he couldn't believe how well I've aged, and how amazing I looked. I don't care how it may sound, it never gets old to hear an ex talk about how they messed up by letting you go because you are such a great person, and how good you look, no matter how little interest you have in them. Score one for me.

I listened to the crap about how I deserved to be happy, and how some day I will be getting married too. I couldn't help but respond with "I know what I deserve, and I will marry the man of my dreams, and when that happens, I'll never for a second think about cheating on him".

For the first time in a long time, it felt good to make decisions based on what I want, and not what I thought I deserved. I know what is coming my way, so long as I stay true to myself.

In the meantime, I'll be over here, swimming in my crystal clear karma pool, waiting for the future Mr. Me to show up, and knock my socks off!

Thursday, June 07, 2012

50 Shades of Oh. Mah. Gawd..

I was kind of against jumping on the 50 shades of grey bandwagon, despite all of my friends' urgings...because I know its a sincerely sexually charged series and I am but a poor single girl in the city, with no one to take out sexual frustrations on. Plus, I usually don't like popular things.

 Then I decided, what else does a single girl in the city really have to live for, if not for smutty books and unattainable romances?

Since being laid up with my tooth extraction, I've nothing better to do, because the life of a sickly spinster with no one to care for her is pretty boring.  I decided to pick up the series to keep my mind off of what else I couldn't do for one to two days (besides the usual "not getting any") I couldn't drink, smoke, or work out. I mean, really, that's the extent of my life.

So, I lost myself in the seedy yet oddly adorable world of Anastasia, and Cristian for a day and a half, and have moved on to book number two already!

I felt like I was buying pornography when I bought the books, and I felt the need to pair it with stuff I didn't really need but would run out of one day so it wasn't a total waste of money, like bathroom necessities. 

But I am really a fan, and I feel like these two are a staple in my day. I talk about them like they are my friends. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!

Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.

Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Inergalactic Planetary....

Everyone likes spooning!

I recently outed myself on facebook.

I post more pictures of my pets than most people do of their kids. (In my defense, my pets are far cuter than most people's kids...just sayin')

Operation, be more social, is on this summer's agenda. Really, I need to get out more!

I've filled up the next month with activities, in an effort to see, and be seen!

A trifecta of animals. I have the most awesome pet society...

Sometimes I wonder why I am still single, because, obviously, hanging out with your pets is pretty sweet right?!

You should watch this amazing rescue video if you love a good story!

P.S. I am not the least bit sad that in a few short weeks, this ragged ass plaid couch from 1990 is leaving my house, and I will have a brand new grown girl's couch in its place. I'm movin' on up!!

Monday, April 02, 2012

I'm Still Swimming in the Dating Pond..

I was called over to a coworkers desk during a lull today. She started asking me about dating. Since I'm the only single girl in the department that is actively dating, its fun for them to keep up with my goings on.

"Have you heard from schoolfriend after breaking it off?"


"What about..?"...(making a gesture to signify someone I dated..)


"Have you heard anything more from that one guy you met recently?"

"No, but he did tell me to call him if I was still alive, since I had to cancel our date due to the flu, but I didn't feel like calling him back"

"What about TDH?, anything more from him?"

"No, I quit responding to his texts, because any opportunity for conversation turned into wanting to know why I didn't want to date him exclusively, no matter how many times I said it wasn't happening for me."

"Has (an ex from a gazillion years a go that has recently turned up again, along with his fiance and 3 kids....some things never change) called you again?"

"No, I told him that I have more self esteem than to stoop to screwing around with someone else's baby-daddy."

After my inquisition, I thanked coworker for reminding me of my long strand of bad dates this this past year.

Isn't this suppose to be fun? Aren't your 30's suppose to be your PRIME?

I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to find the future Mr. Me while I still have all my teeth, and the ability to hilight away any gray hairs. Before I lose my charming girl next door looks, and the ability to wear a tank with a built in bra....without a bra.

I havn't given up on love. Quite the contrary. I am actually, just a woman that knows exactly what she wants. Looking for her little tadpole in the dating pond, who knows what he wants too.

The tadpole, that wants to swim around with me in the scummy dating pond, until we decide to become frogs...together.

And besides, what I want can't be put on paper. It can't be explained. I don't even know what to say to people when they ask me.

It's a feeling....

A knowing....

A spark....

As long as I don't settle, I know that it will come into my life.

Here's to endless optimism, and a true belief in happy endings!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Bird or Statue, They Both Kinda Suck...

I heard recently, that in break ups, you are either the bird or the statue. You either do the shitting, or you are shit on. (conversations at work are just awesome!)

I broke things off with school friend. Not very easily, and with much thought, mind you. All of the reasons were feelings' based. He did nothing wrong, couldn't have been any different at all. He's an honest-to-goodness amazing guy!

But, when we weren't together, I didn't think about him much. I didn't wonder when I would see him again. My heart didn't "ping' at the thought of his phone call, or a date. While we had amazing conversations, and tons of fun together, I didn't have that longing feeling about him, that I didn't want him to go home at the end of a date. I tried to wait it out, and see if feelings developed, but as time went on, I felt more like I was leading him on, and lying to him.

Did I expect to be in love after a month? No, but I did expect to have the first stages of dating excitement about someone, and that never seemed to happen.

I know what makes my heart sing. And while he was pretty ticked that I ended things, I felt I was doing him a favor. He can find someone who will appreciate him, and that just wasn't me.

I do want to share my life with someone, wholeheartedly...but I want it to be because I am excited about it, not just because "he is the kind of guy I should be with". Or because "I don't want to be alone".

This is all a part of the dating game I guess, it's still all new to me. I know what I want, and I don't feel like I need to waste time on anything I feel is less than everything.

Some would argue that I am missing out on a good thing by having unrealistic expectations. I don't see my expectations as unrealistic. And honestly, at this point, I'd rather be alone, than to settle for less than what I know for sure, I want.

Being true to myself and my feelings, is pretty refreshing!

And just as the many times before, I have my own life, and my own interests to keep me occupied until "what happens" .....happens!

Monday, March 05, 2012

The Day before the day my dreams will come true...

On this moment in history....I have done the unthinkable. What....until now, I have only hoped and dreamed of. A dream I have had since I was just a young girl, before the evils of having boobs, and periods got hold of me....

I am the proud owner, of a lower level ticket, to see my all time most favorite person in the world.......MADONNA!!!!!! This is the best $192 I've ever spent. And if I'd had more time to plan (or available credit) I'd have gotten floor seats, but guess what? I'm going! And I paid with cash money!

Sadly, my friend that was going to go with me tried to talk me down to the nose bleed seats, and cheaped out....which um, was not happening. I told her nocando! So I made the big girl decision, to go to the big city solo, and see the show.

Even sadder still...our company suite was NOT available so a suite upgrade is not in the stars. But guess what? I'm going!

I figure, anyone else willing to shell out that kind of money for a concert, is going to have one thing in common with me.....a life-long love of the Material Girl, and I'll make a friend or two! I'm already perusing cute tops at Madonna.com to buy and wear!

So, all day long I told every passer-by at work that I got tickets to the Madonna concert, a minimum of 10 times. Most of them didn't care. But I did! I broke out in random dances, and squeals throughout the day, and all in all...annoyed the living shit out of my coworkers. But this is why they love me.

I told them they only have to put up with it for 249 more days...it'll fly by!

And in closing, if you want to know what a sweet guy school friend is, he offered to drop me off and pick me up, so I wouldn't be afraid...which for him, would be over an hour and a half drive. He makes it hard to keep my heart on ice for sure.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Way More Shocking than the "F" bomb...

I'm happy as a clam with school friend, aside from my inner voice asking me, is this THE ONE??.

I kinda like school friend. But then there is the fact, that he likes me a whole lot more than I like him. Or, he is better at showing that he likes me. At this point, I don't know and I don't have to.

I think, I'm so not use to being the one that is cherished in a relationship that I'm cautiously optimistic in this case. And on the night in question, I actually felt myself let go a little bit more. I let myself be vulnerable. And, nothing bad happened.

The only complaint I can say I have is that I'm not head over heels for him. He makes me say "awww" a lot, and we have definite chemistry, we laugh all the time, have amazing conversations, and I do think about him when we are apart.....but I don't have that loving feeling.

One particular night we were cuddled up watching wolverine, kissing during commercial breaks like kids do when their parents leave the room....because you ONLY have a few minutes! (sidenote: #1 flaw? NO TIVO! who watches commercials?)

I was giving him shit about something or other for about the 10th time that evening..... when it happened.

In a "I just love when you roll your eyes at me" ...non-chalant...said it a billion times kind of way, while we were both laughing about what I'd said......he blurted out "I just love you".


My heart stopped, and I just continued laughing and said "I love giving you shit". I wanted to get up, gather my things, and run home. But I acted like it never happened.

But it did happen.

I was sort of freaked out about it. I told "the girls" in the morning. And school friend texted me the usual "good morning sunshine" and I texted him back.

A few hours passed, and he said something was bothering him. He couldn't sleep the night before. He was stressed out about something he said that came out wrong, when he said it he "saw the look on my face". (hello, I thought I totally played it off, but I guess not.....)

I knew what he meant, and I tried to play it off by saying "I took it as a playful gesture, if that was how you professed your love for me, I'd ask for a re-do".

Instead of packing up and running for the hills, I tried to think of it in a friendly way.

And just like that, I returned to the moment. The one where I like a boy a lot, but I'm not in love, and I can be myself with him.

I don't have to figure it all out right now. And what is meant to be, will be.

I know everything happens for a reason, and just because I don't see myself walking down the aisle with him, doesn't mean we shouldn't see where it leads.


Monday, February 20, 2012

Being Woo'd....

I think nice guys finish last, because girls who get their hearts brutally smashed, are so afraid to fall in love again.

I'm guilty of that.

But it helps when the guy trying to woo you, is understanding, and patient. My being honest about having to take baby steps so far, has been a very good thing!

Too much too soon is scary! Enough, in small doses, is perfect!

I have never ever been put on a pedestal before, and it's kind of weird. But that is where I am right now. I am trying to enjoy the moment, and go with the flow. When someone sees the real you, when you are trying to hide it from the world, it's kinda scarey.

I don't want to look for ulterior motives. Or pick apart every sweet word or gesture....but he certainly treats me like a lady, and I am enjoying every minute, at my own pace.

I do know that I deserve to be happy, and treated well...but allowing it to happen, is oddly challenging.

Why is that?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Things Girls Like...

1) Flowers from a really sweet guy, who understands that you just need to take baby steps to learn to open you heart again.

2) A great guy that is willing to take those steps with you.

My favorite conversation about my beautiful arrangement went something like "you got flowers like that after one date?" I said "I also got flowers for our first date". She replied "I'd marry that one....." Oh, if it were only that easy, right?

3) Making others jealous. I also kinda liked, that my flowers are in full view when hot security guard walks by to check me out 5 times a day, but never talks to me. It's weird the things that make a girl smile inside.

4) Random texts that say cute things like "I just wanted to tell you that I thought about you alot today, I hope you feel better!"

5) Listening to your Mom....when she says "not giving it all up" will make a man crazy, she knows what she's talkin bout!! Who knew?

6) Girl dates! I spent Valentine's with a fellow single girlfriend, people watching (which was great on Valentines!) sipping carmel appletini's.

7) Girlie movies! After drinks, we caught a super cute girlie movie together! We saw This Means War, and it was awesome! (btw: we had plans far before I started seeing school friend, and he understood...)

8) Hot guys!! Aforementioned movie starred "Warrior's" Tom Hardy, he is sssssmoking!!! I've added him to my list of future husbands. (P.S. Warrior made me cry, and stand up and cheer, and I had no interest in even seeing it....goood rental!!)

9) Nice friends! I might add, that my girl date was pretty generous, she bought my movie ticket, and my um...five drinks...gulp!

Monday, February 13, 2012


How much did Katy Perry rock the stage at the Grammy's? This song says "kick rocks, bozo", and I love it!!

I'll never understand that boy radar. You know, the one that they have that goes on red alert when you are either happy, or seeing someone else?

Surely someone could harness this power for some sort of good? Instead of making it cause them to remember "oh...I fucked up....she seems to be doing really well, I should totally call her!"

I got some texts today from some exes. One was of oh....13 or so years, to tell me that he saw me on FB, and obviously I had been hitting the gym pretty hard, and I am looking really good. I won't lie, it did make me smile a bit. In the "you're loss, buddy" category.

What didn't make me smile, was that he is now living with his fiance, and has 3 kids with her. I see some things never change.

I just responded "yes I have, thank you, say hello to your fiance, and kids for me!" And ignored all future texts in response.

Maybe I am not fully together emotionally, but I will NEVER be "THAT GIRL". That girl ruined many of my relationships, along with the assholes that partook in the "thatting" of the girl.

I may not have found him yet, but the right one is out there for me, and he sure as hell does not have a fiance, and kids at home.

Then, TDH texted me today to "see how I was doing" and "did I want to get together to talk" or "am I not even interested anymore". It's been a few months since I broke things off with him, "to get over my ex".

When I broke things off, I told him I needed time...to "do my own thing"....the least I could do is talk to him and explain where I am at this point in my life. He didn't do anything wrong, other than fall for a girl who didn't have an available heart to give.

I think until I can be with a guy that is seemingly awesome, not afraid of committment, and is super sweet to me....and not think about how he isn't exmanfriend, I'm no good for anyone.

I've also pumped the brakes on the development with school friend for the same reason. Yes, things are great, but no, I am not ready for a full on relationship yet. I don't wanna end up being someone I hate, that hurts people. So we are dialing it back a bit. We are still going to talk, and date.

I'm trying...but with baby steps.

The best part is that he is so understanding of that, and not wanting to mess things up with us, that it doesn't even phase him.

He's pretty cute.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Where there are still gentlemen..

My date was pretty nice this past weekend! We went on over an hour trek to a delicious winery. Our dinner reservation was at 6:30 so he picked me up at 4.

He brought me beautiful yellow roses. Do guys still do that? Yes....they do!

I don't remember the last time I got flowers, but it was probably at least as far back as 2005. I'm sorry...I did get a rose from exmanfriend's brother one night at a bar from the rose guy. Yes...his brother.

But, it made me smile that he went to the extra effort to do something like that. And, from a real florist at that, wrapped up with a bow and everything! Not even gas station flowers!!

When he helped me into his truck, he told me the water in the console was for me...since it was a long ride, and he knows how I have to always have water.

Then, we have different music tastes. I like everything, particularly, hip hop, and pop...he likes rock...And he told me to pick out a station on sirius. I of course, picked out a pop station, and got to hear Madonna's new song for the first time! Score! He didn't make fun of my squeals, and car dancing either, he totally appreciated it!

Then, he let me plug my phone in, and play my own music. I was probably in heaven at that point. Jamming out to "work out" and "talk that talk" and the like. It's the little things!! I am always the giver, its so different to have a like minded person to hang out with!!

Super sweet.

We did a wine tasting before dinner, where we got to try a list of 8 wines! Then, we did another list! You got to keep your glasses too, so now I have a nice set of four from our first date, and a slew of new wines to like!!

We were seated by the fireplace, overlooking the water, it was pretty romantic! We got a bottle of wine that I got to choose for us, and had an amazing meal, and great conversation! I got chicken, broccoli, and a side of fettucini (oh how I missed fettucini!) I did limit myself to just "tasting" the bread and oil...but it was soooo worth the taste!

It's been so long since I had any man treat me as though I am a valuable lady, that I almost didn't know how to act. I was very shy. Getting to make choices, without worrying about what he would think about it, because it was "whatever I wanted", because "you deserve to be treated this way".


I am so not use to that, but if things continue to progress, I think I can certainly get use to it! I just have to get out of my head and stop worrying about the end game, and enjoy the moment.