My Compassionate Heart....

Tuesday, on my normal route to work thru the city, I came upon some slowed traffic. The closer I got, I saw what at first appeared to be smoke billowing around an SUV, I thought someone's radiator must've blown. When I crept closer, I saw it was not smoke.

It was fur.

Someone struck a deer. Not the norm on the city streets at all. I only saw the horrible image for about 2.2 seconds, as the doe struggled to get up, only to fall again, frantically trying to find safety, but obviously not going to live.

I immediately shielded my line of vision with my hand, so I could pass by, and just as instantly, out of nowhere...I started to sob. I have never seen a hurt animal in the flesh, intentional or otherwise. Especially now living in the city.

And I couldn't stop crying. My heart ached for that deer.When I got to my desk. I kept sobbing.

When the girls came to talk to me and saw I was upset, I felt a bit stupid saying I was fine, and telling them what had happened. But I can't apologize for being me. I was really shaken.

Yes, it was "just a deer". One of millions that are hit by cars, or shot by hunters on a daily basis. But to me, it was much more than that, it was a wounded soul. I thought about it all night. When I went to sleep, I prayed to the universe for peace from the image of the deer, so that I could put it to rest.

Then, this morning I woke up early to let out the dog. And I saw the most beautiful sight!

Look who chose my backyard to take a rest in! A beautiful deer!

I believe in the universe, and karma, and how everything happens for a reason. I knew deep down, that this wasn't random. It was an answer to my prayer. This deer was there to make my heart feel better.

I left home feeling a sense of peace, and rightness in the world!

And I had the best day! 

What a Difference Two Years Makes...

One of the best things about being single, is the time you have to focus on yourself. At first this is terrifying. Being alone. Oh, the horror! It's scarey. It's lonley. No one understands.

It's been over two years.

This the longest I have ever been single since my very first boyfriend at 12 years old.

Dating? Yes. But without the strong need for being a "couple" dating forces you to be more choosy. In the past I'd have held on to someone who wasn't right for me, simply to be a "couple".

Two years of trying new things. Spending more time with friends and family. Discovering the greatness of Friday happy hours with my girlfriends, and early Saturday runs. Getting in shape....NOT just losing weight. Running races (I still can't believe this one!!) and simply getting to know myself.

Two years of finally having a savings, paying off debt, getting new furniture, and a new car. Learning that you are what you eat, and loving that journey, just as much as I hate it.

Being single forces you to enjoy your own company. Loving your alone time, and being in touch with your own thoughts, feelings, and dreams, without the distraction of what anyone else has to say about it.

Was I letting others hold me back until now? No. I just wasn't ready to be alone. But when you need "something" badly enough, the universe finds a way of making you find out what that "something" is.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was in love. But if I had someone else to focus on, I'd have never had the opportunity to learn my limits, or find out what I am capeable of, which is far more than I gave myself credit for.

The fact that I am still single doesn't mean I am horrible. Or unloveable. I won't wind up an old maid with 80 cats. To me, it simply means I still have more to learn. I'd rather take the time now, so that when love does find me, I am 100% ready.

I'm learning to embrace what life has given me, rather than fight it.

And what's to fight? Because honestly,  my life is really great. Instead of wallowing in self pity for two years, or needing the constant distraction of others, I've had the opportunity to appreciate who I am. I get to realize that while some people I know are in loveless, or unhappy relationships, I still have the opportunity to find my happily ever after!

And when the stars are aligned, that person with an equally great life is going to cross my path, and the possibilities will be endless.

Being at Peace...

One of my favorite quotes, hung prominently in my cubicle is.."Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart". -author unknown

I am at peace.

And it was a long road to get here, but I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

When I hear people complaining about their lives, whatever it is...jobs, kids, spouses, family, finances....I really take a moment to take stock in my own life.

My life is pretty amazing, and I thank the universe for the person I am today. 

It isn't that my life is without problems, or turmoil, or issues at all. We all have money problems, stress at work, family drama, relationship BS...What I am thankful for, is the fact that thru the years despite all of my setbacks, I have taken an active interest in learning how to be less concerned with controlling the outcome of any given situation, and more concerned with controlling how I react to them.

The understanding, that if I have given my all to anything, I have done my best. And I can recognize when something is out of my hands. I can't say enough about how amazing your own well-being is, when you make this realization. 

It was not until I took an interest in believing that I was the only one in control of my happiness, that things turned around for me. I discovered inner peace, and self love. What an amazing accomplishment!


Had I not thrown caution to the wind, and just tried to live a life more in tune to the way I talk to myself and perceive things, I would have never believed it was possible to be the person that I am today.

I am calm. I am happy. I am present, because I choose to be.

Change your thoughts....change your life!! What have you got to lose?

Scenic Running...

I am very lucky to not only live close to an amazing metropark, where I like to run..but  I also live close to the Buckeye Trail. People travel for miles to experience what is in my own backyard. Sometimes when you just "don't wanna run", this is exactly what you need!

I've been running on trails before, but this was my first one that was so daunting. It was more of a hike given the extreme hills, and water crossings, but we did run the flats. (probably only 2.5-3 miles of actual running) and I got some amazing pictures along the way.

I did 6 miles here with my girlfriend, who is training for an ultra this fall. She is doing 30 miles. I think she is insane, as she has not even done a full marathon yet, but I admire her tenacity!

Sometimes you have to stop and drink in the beauty! I tripped over about 5 tree roots, one time so badly I came inches from face-planting into my girlfriends ass....

We saw several deer scaling the huge hills with such ease. I decided then, that running up and down those hills is surely easy when you have four legs!

We talked about me pacing her on her 30 miles for maybe 5 miles. They allow someone to run with you for portions of it. I think it will be great fun to go in all energetic, and do a measely 5 miles and tell her to kick it into gear!!

Yet another water crossing. Luckily it hadn't rained in a while so we were able to get across these all on rocks, and not get wet. I had on my new Adidas running shoes, I'd have protested!

I just thought this was beautiful...

Our destination, and treat after 5.5 miles, was stopping after a short detour to enjoy Blue Hen Falls before the end. I scaled my way to the top of the waterfall for this picture and my girlfriend said "don't fall, I'd feel really bad if you did"...uhhh....thanks...for that!

Another waterfall shot from the top!

More up close Blue Hen Falls..

The view from a "set up" vantage point behind a fence....fence, schmence...

Last, but not least, 87 steps that were so easy to go down, but after 5.5 miles, going up these was quite the undertaking on our way to 6 miles! They go well into the top of the hill...on and on...And the hills we scaled were even steeper than this.

It was nice to get out of the gym for a run, and off the towpath running trail, and see some nature! Plus there was a group of hot male bikers doing the same trail (how they scaled the hills is beyond me!!!) We passed them on our way out, and again on our way back. One guy said "you girls on your way back already? you are strong!!"

Yea. A stranger said we were strong. It was a pretty awesome moment for us!

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort


I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!


Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.


Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

Psychic Friends...

My girlfriend and I took an hour trip to visit with a highly recommended psychic, for a spiritual reading. I am open to all sorts of new age-y things, and I have been to one or two that told me the oddest things that happened.

So today I found out a ton about myself. I had an astrology reading, a tarot card reading, and it was innermixed with some oddly random, but true things she pulled out of nowhere. The strangest was the comment about how I can't sleep at night, (which I can't, especially not in my own bed..) and I know I should be journaling. I have journaled daily since I was 12. Just the previous night I pulled out my recent journal and noticed I hadn't made an entry since July.

I need to meditate more often (I didn't tell her that I do this) and start Yoga to quiet my mind.

I have sunshine in my relationship house, which means that I am at my best in a relationship.....very un-saggitarious of me..

Despite the two hours of information I had received, one thing was the screaming elephant in the room.... I had not gotten over ex-manfriend. I still hold on to material things, and therefore, emotional things. I know this.

As hokey as it may sound, I am to burn these things, and say a prayer on the next full moon, and release them. I'm all about it!!

I had a spiritual epiphany today, and I cannot wait to see what the future brings me on all levels.

I will definatley be going back. After I have done the work I need to do, to get to the next step!

The only thing holding me back from my happily ever after, is me.

How Mixed Martial Arts will change my life...

After class, I was singing this song. True Story...




First of all, we don't wear the traditional uniforms of karate. I do however have to wear a uniform consisting of no shoes (someone should have told me this, I'd have gotten a pedi first....) gloves, black pants, and a bad-ass tshirt with the dojo name, and the words "MMA train like a champion" on the front and back. Heck. Yea.

I told my girlfriend, I'm totally wearing this out, it's a conversation starter!

The class, well they paired me up with a 13 year old. I was afraid to kick or punch him too hard, until the instructor had me hold the shield, and pounded my side a few times really good to show me that I can't hurt the kid. Did it hurt? Yea, a lil bit. But, it'll strengthen my core!

I even got so into it I got nauseus when we had to "kick our partner" across to the other side of the room and back, and then knee them to the ribs.

I was slow, and always forgot to block my head. And if I were in a real fight, tonight I'd be brain dead, I can't count the number of times the instructor came to "hit me in the head" to remind me I was open.

The round off of my fabulous experience with MMA is that me and my girlfriend are the only girls in the class. Yea. A sea of men that are bad-ass. (ok and some kids too...) Chances are high that I just may meet the future Mr. Me in my MMA class. Imagine the stories. "we fell in love after she kneed me to the ribs". And, if you are mad at them? Take it out in class!

Having been single for a while now, this is also a good way to get out any "frustrations" that may arise from, well, being single.

This is an all around fabulous addition to my life! I got a good workout, had fun, and I have a new goal! Breaking a board! Yes!

Don't eff with me people I'm training to be a Thai fighter!

I wore my Medal all day!...

This is my, "I've been up since 5 am, no poop in two days, boobs smashed, sweat in the contacts all morning, 52 degrees, walking all over the marathon route to meet my relay partners all day so my feet hurt, and then and sweating and sweating some more since I did have more clothes on, and having 4 beers, but look I got a medal so it's all good" look.

How did I do? I ran at a 10.8 mile an hour pace. This is a good outdoor speed for me. I started with the 11:17 pace group, and ended up leaving them after the first mile. I wish I'd have done more miles. Because I felt pretty bad-ass, especially when I smoked people running uphill!

Next, I'm doing a half marathon in November. Who'da thunk? The exciting part about it is that it's at a winery. (mmm wine!) Stomp the Grapes! The very same winery I had my first date with exassholemanfriend at, and a couple subsequent dates with said asshole, and have been avoiding like the plague.

So, in the spirit of being awesome, and moving on with my life, I am going to make a new memory. Maize Valley will go from "where I first met that asshole and had the most amazing first date ever, and then he later ripped out my heart" to "where I ran my first half marathon, and then got drunk off free wine".

The latter sounds way better anyways. Everyone loves free wine!

It's a Small Drunk World After All..

Tonight I trekked it down to my local Circle K to buy cigarettes, and a nice bottle of Moscato, for my Friday night enjoyment. (Firstly, I'm helping my fancy friend pass out literature at our alma mater football game on Friday, cus she is running for council!) And...when I get home on a Friday night, I need Moscato.

When I hear a loud voice....."You've lost weight since I saw you last" .

I think, who the hell knows me here? This can't be good! I live in a sketchy neighborhood!

I turn to the counter, and I see her.

You remember, how I got a DUI last September. Among maaaany other things I had to go to jail. You don't want to get a DUI in Ohio people. If I am good for nothing else in this world, I should be a shining example to you all. One drink is too many. Even a sip of alchohol, is enough to land you in a heap of trouble in our glorious state. You don't think it is but trust me, I went to jail. I heard everyone's stories! I had the laws shoved down my throat for days.

I don't know many people who follow that no drink and drive rule, but if you got a DUI you'd think the same thing!

So anyway, I turn around, and oh yes, it registers instantly, there behind the counter sporting a red Circle K shirt, is a girl I was in jail with. Jail!!!

I said "OMG, yes, I have, look, I'm here I am buying alchohol"! (laughter)

She told me how she gave up drinking and is now smoking pot. Ok, cus I think that whole under "the influence" also pertains to drugs. We were locked up with a girl who was driving on vicoden, so ummmm.....yea. Good luck with your new found substance there lady!

Hello, universe, I get that you may want to remind me not to drink and drive, but unless people go out within a 10 mile radius because the cab rides cheap, or, if a cute boy drives me *wink*, I am like George Thorogood, and I drink alone. Yea, with nobody else. It's pretty sad actually. I might cry myself to sleep tonight.

Jail girl also happens to live on my street. Talk about a small world after all.

Where Work Gets in the Way....

I was pretty sad today, when during workout #2, I see on the 5:00 news that my future husband #3, (Right behind Edwin McCain, and Jason Stathom) Matthew Fox (Jack Shepherd, and Charlie Salenger!!!) was a mere stones throw away from my very own apartment, filming with Tyler Perry in the new movie about a series of James Patterson books I love about Alex Cross! Perry is Alex Cross? ( I always pictured as a sexy Blair Underwood, and in the past was played by Morgan Freeman...really, movie makers? Didn't you read these books??)

This is a sign that I should read the local paper like a real adult.

I could have totally taken vacation. I have a week left with nothing to do, and no promising proposals on the horizon. I could have innocently walked Mr. Magoo down to the cemetary, and peeped some celebrities, if even from afar. I could have walked the same street he walked.

Sure, they also filmed at Stan Hewitt, which I attend once a year in October for the craft fair, and enjoy hot cider, and hot fresh gingerbread cookies. Or on the occasion that a friend gets married there. But, I can't walk there in minutes like I could at the cemetary. Just thinking they were so close, makes me want to cry.

Yes, Clevelanders, most of this is filmed in your city, but nothing ever happens in Akron. This is the biggest thing since that one rock lady opened the vegan restaurant downtown!

Sigh.

I'm just not meant to get married yet. I think he'll wait for me.

But, I swear, if I see the lunatic lady that lives across from me, and wears duct tape on her mouth in the movie, I will just die.

Can You Take Classes on Being Smooth...?

Week 16. I got by with a 2lb loss this week, which is a squeaker. I blame it on wine, specifically Moscato....and the beautiful voice it has when it calls to me to drink it during the week.

Anyway, this brings me to an even 55lb loss!

I'm averaging 3.4lbs a week. Respectable. I do however, need to start sacrificing a couple of cardio workouts and putting in more weights and toning, to fix the damage that years of being fat has done to my body. Which doesn't help my self esteem. I look great in clothes, but I don't love me naked just yet.

I'm horribly shy when it comes to boys. I caught that cute security guard turning around to check me out again today after he passed me. How's the girlfriend working out for you? I think he liked my new jeans. If I was the least bit a regular girl, I'd have the balls to ask him that myself. In the great words of that crackhead Whitney Houston.....How will I ever know if he really loves me? I'd try to phone but I'm too shy --can't speak!

I'm paralyzed by his hotness.

This past weekend I hit up chipotle. (in an effort to be a healthy cheater, I skipped the rice, cheese, sour cream, and GUACAMOLE and added extra lettuce, and salsa to my chicken bowl. I would personally suggest just not having chipotle because it wasn't nearly the same....)

While waiting to order, and pick up my food, I felt a cute boy checking me out. I caught his eye and got immediately terrified and looked away. Then, I felt him looking at me, and I told myself not to turn in that direction, act invisible.

Really? How the hell do I plan on ever meeting the future Mr. Me when I have no flirting skills at all? I mean it goes further than just strangers, I was nervous to even call my exassholemanfriend on the actual phone. I had to talk myself into it. What, the fuck is my problem?

With that said, I have a date tomorrow. It's a second date, and if I don't hear wedding bells, its the last with him. I don't have time for these shenanigans. I'm doing these horrible random dates to get use to talking to people, but I don't enjoy it. I have one for next weekend with someone else, and after that I'm on hiatus again.

Until someone excites me. I seem to be accepting dates with people I feel superior to, and don't really like. Why? I'm probably afraid of rejection.

For me to find someone that makes my heart pitter patter, I need to learn to make a first move and talk to boys that I actually like, and have an attraction to.

Universe, give me some go-go gadget mojo! Stat!

Where I have a guardian or something..

I had my brakes done Saturday. My girlfriends husband did them for me, the lights been on a while, like....months...but as I often do, I ignored it. Hi, see me, the bright red brake light? Yea, I'm on because your brakes pretty much suck ass, and you should probably replace me.

Last week I happened to not be jamming to the radio in the stratus, and I heard a terrible grinding when I stopped. And then, a terrible grinding when I drove.

When he took my pads off, he showed me that all that was left of my brakes was a piece of paper. Cus that's real safe. Having brakes that work is a whole new concept for me, obviously. How I didn't die from my own negligence is some sort of miracle.

The same day, I went for my Saturday morning run (which never ceases to amaze me...I am a runner?! SHUT UP!) and I have a routine. I wear my flip flops, and change into my sneakers in the front seat, and I tie the mobile lock to my shoe laces, lock the door, put my keys in my purse, purse in the trunk, and take off.

This time for some reason, I decided to put my shoes on, at the trunk and put my flip flops in the trunk, instead of my purse.... closed the trunk, and got my run on.

Forty minutes, and 4.8 miles later, I exit the trail and see my car is the only one left in the lot. And...my driver side door is hanging wide OPEN!

All the blood rushes from my face, the adrenaline kicks in, and I think a billion horrible thoughts as I truck it to the car, and notice, my purse on the passenger seat, my PURSE IS STILL THERE? I rummage thru it, all my credit cards, cash, blackberry...everything in tact. What?? My keys?? Oh, those are just IN the IGNITION.

As hokey as it may sound, I really did count my blessings that night. I got up, worked out, hung out with three of my girlfriends on three separate adventures, and felt really lucky just to have enough friends to fill up an entire Saturday. I ended the night with my new favorite wine...a moscato (where have you been all my life???) And to top it off? I saw my first rainbow of the year!

I was on top of the world, happy to be me, loving life, and if gas weren't so damned expensive, I'd have searched for that pot of gold!

Things to do before...

Firstly, my official weigh in tonight is minus 5lbs. On the week I had three cookies, a small piece of your second cousins bday cake, a jo jo, potato salad, and cheesy potatoes at the family picnic! I of course, did 3 workouts a day to make up for it, I am kicking. ASS!

37lbs in 10 weeks. I'm creeping up on 40. Someone said they wanted my thighs at workout. MY thighs!!!

The best revenge is success. Even if you don't believe in revenge, the best thing to do is be your best self, because the person who benefits from it, is you. And the only person you hurt by having ill will, or hurtful feelings about someone, is you. And given a choice, why the hell would you want to hurt yourself?



Things I'm doing to make myself feel successful!

• Get skinny, because it feels amazing!


• Eat healthy without cheating at least one month, because until you do, you really don't understand the phrase "you are what you eat" I cheated this past weekend, and had to fight like hell to do workouts for three days, it made me feel like shit!
  


• Work hard, and get a super freaking raise, and secretly snicker because you never went to school and make more than most people you know who did.


• Have a crush. Even if nothing comes of it, it sure is fun to giggle and get excited when you see the person, and be shy and get butterflies! And be reminded that there is life after the manfriend. Even if it still hurts a little.


• Set goals for yourself, like doing 10 push ups, and then beat that each and every day! Even if its just by one, or doing two sets of 10 in a day.
  


• Start your mortgage loan process on a super freaking amazing house and know, that if it is in the stars for you to have it, you will. And that you deserve it!!!!!!


• Think to yourself "some day I'm going to have two cars for that two car garage, furniture for all the rooms, and two rocking chairs on the front porch for me and the love of my life!" And simply know that you will!
• 
  
• Remember, that even though Oprah is off the air, her words live on. Find your lifes purpose! Mine is animals, and when I have my very own home, I will be joining the foster list of my favorite animal rescue, and nursing a dog at a time back from puppy mill/abuse situations, and making them awesome pets, and watching them find their furrever homes! This makes me warm and bubbly inside!
  
• Enjoy something every week! For me, its my Friday nights. Where I celebrate a week of ass kicking workouts, and an excellent weigh in! I get a bottle of wine, a redbox rental, and an Acme rotisserie chicken (I feel bad for those who don't have an Acme!) and share the dark meat with your loving and faithful companion....your dog!
• Be thankful every day. For waking up. For doing what you set out to do. For the friends you have, and your family that loves you. Put love out into the universe, and wait for it to come back to you!
  

And, post a picture of the house you want, because you believe in the power of the universe, and thinking things into reality! (when it's mine, I'll show you more! Trust, it's amazing!)

Hello future home de la moi! Please don't be haunted!

Obligatory weight update..

Today at work I sported a fitted T-shirt, and a size smaller jeans. I got a lot of comments on my weight loss. The pounds aren't astronomical, but I am definatly shrinking, and my old clothes just don't fit, at all. It was a sort of "coming out" for me. I felt amazing!

I love having a waist, muscles, and a pep in my step!

So far, I'm down 24lbs in 6 weeks after my official weigh in tonight.

A mere 16lbs to goal!!!! I'm over half way there! After that, I'm aiming for a size, not number, so whatever happens, happens.

I will say, that I can't wait until I am on maintenance, and I am not doing double workouts each day. Two showers a day, two make up applications, two blow dries, two flat irons, two workout outfits to wash, it's all a hassle. (the second wouldn't be so necessary if I didn't have a super duper crush on a security guard that patrols my area at the office....swoon.)

Tonight after bootcamp, I didn't want to shower and primp AGAIN before shopping, so I just spritzed some of my dog's powder fresh cologne in my hair and blew it dry. Classy!!! Don't knock it til you've tried it!! (and I have Jonathon Anton's "redo" spray, it has nothing on my dog's spray!)

I started weight training two weeks ago (P90X, and Jillians 30 day shred) a few days a week, so my weigh ins have gone from 6lbs a week to 2, and then 3 the past two weeks.

I was disappointed at first, until I reminded myself, that to lose 3lbs, I had to burn off 10,500 calories in 5 days to achieve it. And then I kinda feel bad-ass instead!

Tonight I was told to eat MORE. How awesome is that? I'm doing 10 workouts in 5 days, so I need to up my calorie intake in the form of another small meal. Never in a billion years did I think what I am eating now, would ever fill me up or sustain me, but it really does.

Just like everything in life, weight loss is a mind game. Happiness, success, you name it. If you get your mind to believe you can achieve it, the rest just falls into place.

I continue to feel the happiest I have ever felt, and believe the universe knows what is in store for me, so I don't stress.

Whenever anything is meant to happen, it will happen. And I my friends, am open, and ready!!

Tomorrow? An eleventh workout for the week, a four mile run with my girlfriend...as I plan on imbibing some delicious, sweet, ever-friendly wine in celebration of being the best me I can be!!

Be Careful What You Wish For...

You know, I'm all about thinking yourself happy and visualizing the end result of what you want in life, and seeing the good, and blah blah, you know you wanna be me, blah blah.

Well, you know the universe works in strange ways. I have for a long time hated my fat arms and started and stopped working them out with weights, because its too hard and "I work out enough dammit!".

So, in order to make my dream a reality, (awesome arms ARE on my vision board) the universe made my power steering go out on my car.

Now, every day I have sore arms from trying to steer my way to and fro. (I said fro) And I imagine in just a few short weeks I'll have fabulous looking arms at this rate.

I don't wanna die...

I'm really suprised that more people are not completely freaked out about all those dead birds and fish in Arkansas and Louisiana.

I mean, don't you people watch movies? Birds are always the first to die when we are attacked by aliens, or chemicals, or nuclear warheads. And remember how miners would take birds into the mines, and if the bird died they had to hightail it out of there? Birds are kind of important. Maybe I should quit making fun of my mom for having one....(pause for contemplation)...nah, she's still crazy for having a bird.

Havn't you seen The Seventh Sign? The bird flu? Aren't dead blackbirds your first indicator of a West Nile Virus breakout? What about The Happening??? Werent there a bunch of dead blackbirds in the beginning of "The Event" this season???

Ummmmm...yea. I think birds are kind of important. I don't like the BS they are feeding the world about fireworks. Um, why arent there more mass bird deaths in July then? Anyone? Or, the weather, or HAIL or RAIN got them? How many birds do you see flying around out in the freaking rain?

Call me silly but when I was little that was how we knew to go inside from playing when all the birds were gone and the wind picked up. They know its going to rain so they hide assholes. By 'assholes', and 'they', I mean the government who is trying to cover up some big horrible thing that is happening!!!!!

Since I'm well versed in movies and heresay, I also know that there have been many times when the world was ending, and one of the safest places to live was Ohio. I believe even Nostradamus said that.

So, while all the rest of you will be fighting off zombies, and dead birds, I'll be holed up safe and sound in my house. Don't even think about coming to my house and eat my cats either! I wouldn't eat your kids, leave mine alone! Plus they look big and fat but its all hair!

Oh and Pee, ess....holeyfuckingshit did you see that Hurley's numbers from lost were almost the exact mega million winning lottery numbers?????? Did you know that I miss Lost? Sigh.

Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

Better Than Pennies From Heaven...

I believe in the paranormal. Not all of it, I know people make things up, and dr. evidence to make good TV. But I am a member of a ghost hunting society (so what if I havn't gone out on any "hunts" in several years) and I have gone on many overnight trips to find ghosts, including spending the night in the woods to explore Rogue's Hollow, the cells of Mansfield Reformatory, and a haunted mansion. It fascinates me. Nothing really out of the ordinary has ever happened to me. I love scary movies, it doesn't freak me out to watch the Amityville Horror (which this real story is way more interesting than the movies) alone, or poltergeist. I spend weekends watching the haunted marathons.

So I don't overreact to situations that may seem strange. And realize most things do have an explanation. I don't believe in orb photography, because the Dr. in our ghost hunting group did a whole test about orbs vs. dust, and insects.

With that said...

Last night I was cleaning my apartment, jamming out to the new Nicki Minaj CD..Pink Friday (which btw contains some jams!) on the Blackberry via my headphones. I cleaned off my coffee table, dusted, emptied the glass ashtray, cleaned it, set it on the table beside a lit candle. Nothing else was on the table with it.

I sat in my foyer sorting tru a truckton of mail that's been piling for months. Mostly bills. Mostly court and BMV crap. When I heard it. A loud enough to get my attention through my headphones, "TINK". What it sounded like, was one of my damned cats when they knock over a glass of water I have on the table, because their water doesn't taste as delicious.

But I didn't have a glass of water on the table. My next thought was, maybe my candle broke the glass because it got too hot, no hot wax melting all over the table. No cats running away as if they'd just caused a ruckuss. No nothing. I sat perplexed for a minute or so scanning my living room for the source of the noise, but eventually went back to sorting my papers.

When it became time for a smoke break, I sat on the couch, and saw it, right in the middle of the ashtray, was a quarter. Face up. In my clean ashtray......

I picked it up and dropped it from about 12" and that "TINK" was the exact tink I heard while sorting my mail! Where this quarter came from I have no idea. Not that I think my pets could've picked it up and dropped it, but even if they could, where the heck they found it is another story.

This is the first time in all my time searching for the paranormal that I was actually a bit freaked out, because I could not explain how this happened. I set the quarter next to the ashtray and asked if there was more where that came from? (can't hurt to ask, right?) and said if you are a spirit and you are mean you have to leave. I also asked it to happen again. Which it didn't.

It was a 1991 quarter which bears no other signifigance to me other than that is the year my best friend in the world died. I had a dream about her shortly after she died that she got on the school bus and I was so shocked to see her, and I said "I've been looking everywhere for you" and she replied "I've been here all along". I remember that dream almost 20 years later like it just happened.

Apology...accepted?...

What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.

I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad...

So, I should open up a pet sitting business. Seriously.

You know I booked my flight to the beach right? Oh, I havn't mentioned that?

Well you know, the universal law of attraction means, that you are suppose to not worry about things, and just do them, and the universe will make it "how" happen for you. So, once I got the money saved for my flight to see my sister at the beach (girls vacay-shun!!!) I thought oh, the rest will work itself out.

By "rest" I mean... who the hell is gonna watch my 6 pets??

Normally, I had a neighbor to let them out, but I have since moved away and trust no one in my apartment. Or, my Mom would take my dog...however, my evil Mom (hi mom, thanks for the free a/c for my bedroom *smile*!) has opted out this time, and that leaves me with no other choice but to hire a pet sitter. Because, boarding... is even more ridonkulous!

Its going to cost me more to hire a pet sitter than it is to fly my ass to the beach. In the air. On a giant plane, you know, that moves and uses jet fuel and everything, a petsitter costs more!

I have no idea what to do besides start calling in favors from all my friends and maybe try to have to hire a petsitter only a couple of the seven days.

Wish me luck. Cus my tickets are nonrefundable!

In closing, if you want to make a buttload of money, go into the petsitting business. I wish I would've hopped on that train a long time ago!