"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, July 29, 2005

Geek Sighting at the Concert....

The concert Wed. night ROCKED! It was me, Bubba, and Beth. We met at the bar. (suprised?) and had a drink or so. We missed most of Breaking Benjamin, but they still rocked!

I think we saw TWDSO at the concert. This is a picture of him. Oh, wait, thats another random dork at a rock concert! Oklahoma meteorology rules!!!!

Me and Beth love Staind, we rocked out! We waited all night to hear 'mudshovel' and they played it last, so we were psyched. (maybe a little buzz too) and she said we should make our own mosh pit. So, the 3 of us ran into each other and pushed each other and acted like fools. It was really muddy out from all the rain. We laughed and after a minute or so....sadly....were all out of breath. I blame it on the fact that we jogged for a good minute on the way in. We ARE the champions!!

We took rain ponchos! Beth had them. They came in handy when we wanted to sit down later. And Bubba made good use of hers on the way out. She was the comedic relief!

The night ended with a delicious meal at Swensons.....Chocolate PB shake. Hamburger mmm!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

How To Poop At Work.....

I was cleaning out my emails, and came across this great classic, which needed to be posted. My biggest annoyance, is the 'Uncle Ted' we have some of those here!
(We also have some Out of the Closet Poopers while I am not saying that I am or am not one, I am definately not out of the closet, at least not publicly ((I typed pubicly first)) until now)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.


A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where
abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an


A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.


A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Weigh Day!...

Well, It's Wednesday. What will I do on Wed. when I am all buff, and don't have anything exciting to report? It's good to have dreams! I really felt like I did good this week. Actually got some working out done. Only had a couple energy drinks (that I gave up long ago) too!
This time, I can actually say, I didn't do anything terribly wrong. I didn't eat bad, or drink bad (drinking is GOOD, good!) this week. And, the results? I LOST 5 LBS!!! Bringing my total up to 26lbs!!! ALMOST 30!! I am so proud of myself! Doing it the right way too! Not 'dieting' just eating when Im hungry and I still slip up. Thats life! The downside? We aren't 'officially' weighing in this week. The customer service department is stressed from the new computer system and eating junk so we are forgoing a week. Hopefully, I can lose 4lbs for next week, and I will have lost 30!!!!!! I'm so proud of me, did I mention that? I can't believe what you can do when you put your mind to it!!!!!!!!

It's also long about the time that I start coming down from my wknd. of rest! I am the walking dead. Bleh.
So WG is leaving me. He is leaving our job. He won't be WG anymore then, and my life will be in turmoil! lol! It will be an adjustment, it is nice seeing him every night at work. I will admit that it really sucks being close to someone you love and you can't touch them...well, not how you want! And, I don't mean THAT way, but thats nice too.
Funny thing about that is, I have to be to work at 7:45am, then again at 5pm, and I stay up til at least 2am to spend time with WG. Surviving on 5 hours of sleep, if that. He said when he has his new job, he has to be to bed by 11. This brings up an interesting fact, that rings true as always....Women, are way stronger than men. I suprise myself every day at the amount of stuff I accomplish, in my work and personal life. I am dead tired some days, and sometimes cranky. But, I can handle it, and I don't complain at all! (well sometimes I complain about work...but thats normal) I went home last night, worked out, and rearranged my downstairs furniture.
Showered, (didn't shave though) and spent time with WG!

Friday is girls night. I had totally forgot about it too. Were going out for Tiff's bday. Saturday is her party. Should be a good time! Bubba's man is gonna DJ it....it'll be a hoot!

Today's Question:

What invention of this century has had the biggest impact on your life?

Ummmm, let's see here, uhhhh, hmmmm, well....I dunno....TIVO???????!!!! anyone?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My Professional Beer/Music Review...

Today it is going to be around 100 degrees. I knew that we were living in hell, it's about time the weather caught up to us!! I have had it with this friggin heat! Nothing makes me go from 0 to bitch faster, than being hot. It is also, my #1 favorite thing to complain about. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I know it doesn't help, but I am a woman, and if there is one thing I know about, its complaining!!
I don't want to even think about what my electric bill is going to be this month!! Well over $100 I am sure!
I closed my windows, and gave my bunny his frozen bottles. He was doing binkies this morning up and down my hall. He even chased one of the cats! He is getting back to his cutie poop self!

One more day at work. At least at my first job. Tomorrow night is 3 Doors Down/Breaking Benjamin/Staind. Deeer neeeeerrrrr! Rockon! I can't wait!!! I hope that hell on earth has passed by then, so that I am not sweating my nuts off at the concert. Unfortunatley where we are going, is outdoors, with the mosquitos. And, they only have Coors beer accessible. If you want real beer, you have to go down the big hill and risk breaking a foot by falling off your sandals!!! Have a couple beers and forget it! Plus, pay $6 bucks for a 16 ounce cup of shit beer. Not my type of place!!

Aside from my Edwin (twice so far this year thank you) this is my first concert of the year!! The new HOB is really nice!! You gotta drink canned beer there. It's totally unsophisticated, and lord knows, I am high-class baby!!

Normally, I go to a lot more concerts, and the festivals. I love them! Nothing like hearing your favorites live and in person. It also determines a true band to me. If you rock live, you rock! (this excludes Britney spears who does not rock, or rock live, and though she is my ultimate idol, and I will still pay $200 to see her, Madonna does not rock live...MUCH)

It's hard to get off work at my second job, and get paid! I will miss going to Rolling Rock Town Fair this year. Ho-hum. There is always next year!! All they serve at that one, is....Rolling Rock. Not only that, but they force you to stay inside this stupid fenced in area called the 'beer garden'.
There is no garden to it. It is a bunch of friggin drunks, fenced in on the hot black top, with no trees, or shade, and about 20 port a pots! You spend your time drinking your beer, which you have to do while holding 3 beers at a time, or you waste your time standing in line for beer. You do this, while waiting to pee. When your done, you go back into the line to wait to pee again, cus its inevitable! You pay all that money, travel to another state, and have to down nasty shit beer in between good bands. Otherwise, you pay to watch them on the big screen. No thanks! Oh - and pray it doesnt catch up to you til the end of the night. Rolling Rock = gut rot, and the craps!

13 Bests for me to see live? (cus it's a lucky number)

1) Edwin! Edwin melts my heart, and gives me goosebumps, makes me sweat, dance, gyrate, squeal... and he mesmerizes me....and that is about as close as you can get to prostitution, without actually doing the deed! (plus, we are getting married, and if I keep him at #1, he will love me even more)Always #1 to me!
2) Metallica. If you call them sell outs, you arent a true fan. They freaking ROCK hard live!!! Saw them twice. Summer Sanitarium....aside from the sunburn, was the best concert ever! Can you say pyrotechnics? Who uses them these days? METALLICA DOES!
3) Godsmack. Can't get bored at a Godsmack concert! They don't allow it!
4) Linkin Park, who suprised me by sounding just as kick ass live as they do on disc, even with all their mixing, and rapping, and sampling. Good job!
5) Limp Bizkit. Because Fred Durst did a round at the entire stadium at Ohio State, so we
all got to see him. 'Behind Blue Eyes'. And cus he dissed Britney Spears. You rock!
6) Staind. While still my #1 fave 'rock band' I only saw them twice, once at Rolling Rock. They stopped playing a few times due to all the mud throwing going on, and hitting the band. So, while they rocked, they sucked for stopping. Excellent vocals Aaron! uhhhhhhhh........
7) Disturbed. Disturbed is friggin' awesome! I saw them at a small venue (they had plastic bottled beer, totally acceptable) in Cleveland. It was like the opening scene in 'Blade' I thought everyone would turn into vampires and suck my blood, and rip me to shreds. But, bitchin time man!!!!
8) Stone Temple Pilots. Not really a fan, but they did put on a good show, if you like watching crackheads dance around for entertainment....which, I sure as shit do!
9) U2. Just cus we had awesome seats, and they had a great show. Not many concerts like that nowadays.
10)Mudvayne. I put them this low, only because when I saw them they didn't dress up in their freaky scary face paint and outfits. I missed out on the freakish part of their fame. But they were awesome!!
11)Outkast. Cus there was so much going on, to look at and laugh at. And, how many times can you hear, 'sorry miss jackson' and never get sick of it? Thats what I thought!
12) Dave Matthews. Also, not a fan. But this is the one and only concert I have attended indoors, where no one bitched at you for smoking illegally. I think in part, because of all the marijuana being smoked. They didn't care. It was a good crowd. But to me, he sucks. Couldn't understand a word he said. BOOOOORINGGG. I like to rock out at a show!
13) Drowning Pool. While they rocked - I saw them with the original singer. I can't give them a glowing review, until I see them live with the new guy. But they tore it up man! And...plastic beer bottles. The beer counts! It really does!

And Since I had all my faves, I have to give the worst!

Creed. I saw them in their hey day. I say they are the worst because it was at Cleveland State University, which is a shit place to see any concert. #1 they do not serve beer, its a college, and they do not serve beer. (if this is changed let me know!) and #2 the acoustics there really blow!!!! Yea, Scott Stapp was still HOT when we saw them. But, it's a shame what drugs can do to you! Such a shame!

This concludes my beer tour for today.

Today's Question:

What are your most/least favorite concerts?

Monday, July 25, 2005

Karma is a Bitch....

I remember the days of yesteryear....when I would tell my sister, (who is only 7 years older than me) that she was old. When I was in high school, I would stay weekends with her and I just remember thinking she was old! She had her own place, a job, a car, thats OLLLLLD!!!!
I can't help it, I think it was my duty as a little sister or something. Of course, NOW I don't think she is old. (she is the same age as WG!)

Well, my bones crack and creak. Which is normal. The first thing that happened to me, after 25, was my boobs dropped. I use to love them, now their ok. Soon, they will be too far gone for help! Losing weight is making them worse. I am getting a boob job, that can be fixed some day! (a lift, I dont need implants!) I guess that was what I got for calling her old.
I am getting vericose veins, since I spend my life sitting at a desk! (granted they are not bad at all I have 2 spots with little teeeeeny veins but thats not the point!)

And, the kicker, is this weekend, I found a hair where there shouldnt have been one, and it was long, and black.

My mom (who may kill me) had a hair on her back, that would come back whenever I pulled it, and yea, she asked me to pull it cus she couldn't see it. It grew in the same spot. I always gave her a hard time about it. Now, I have my own stray hair!!

Another instance of karma, would be my dog.

The backstory:

My friend katrina dated this guy, who we will call Ram Rod. 1) because its funny, and 2) because a guy use to call him that. He lived with his grandma. He had a dog named Missy. She was a chow. Now, those who know me, know I tolerate a lot from animals and they can do no wrong. Not Missy, she was evil. She would bark non stop. If you sat on the floor she would bite you, if you were on your knees or anything, she would bite your butt.

Kat and I had fun with Missy when Ram Rod would go away with my ex (husband). If you said 'Fuck you, Missy' she would go insane, and growl. The dog stank. She had some nasty skin condition, and she smelled, no matter what Ram Rod did for her. And she only really liked Ram Rod. Once, we fed her soap. We couldn't stop laughing at the time, about what if she pooped bubbles. Well anyone who thinks I was cruel to Fuck You Missy, karma got me.

I always wonder why my poor dog has so many problems, that must be it. Because we were mean to Missy. Now, Little Hill lives her own life as a stinky dog. And, she has been known to bite a couple of people. And she stank no matter what I do. I'm sorry pupper, I am trying to be a better person!

Be careful out there!!

Love is in the air......

Monday morning, so soon. All I know about this Monday morning, is that I can't stop smiling. I wouldn't say that it is because I am super happy to be at work, though I love my job and am thankful to have it.

I Think im in super like!

I said it. I am not even ashamed to say it. I can't help but say it, and I feel better having said it.

I keep wondering, if this or that is right, or if it is meant to be. Am I wasting my time? Is there a future? And if so, is this the whole package? I have no choice but to stop thinking so much, and let my feelings lead me. I am listening to my inner voice. Normally, I tell her to shut her trap, but lately, I have been letting her speak.

She seems to be pretty smart,

WG did my brakes yesterday. I told him that he looked hot, but I don't think he knew what I meant lol. There's just somethin' about a dirty man lol!!!! (Well, that could go either way!) And, not just any dirty man, my dirty man! I also met his family this wknd. I was sick to my stomach over it, nerves. It wasn't so bad! I survived, and I feel better having done it.

Then last night he met my brother. It was cute! My brother is happy for me. He says as long as I am happy that is all that matters. I wish he could be happy too. He also met Tayrays boyfriend, and he liked him too.

Some day, I am going to say that I found the right size shoes. Right now, I have tried them on, and they feel pretty good. Once I start walking in these shoes, I will know if they give me blisters. Even then, I can put band aids on the sore spots, and keep trying them. Sometimes, even the right size shoes, are tight at first. Until you wear them in.

Today's Question's:

What is the worst example of betrayal you have experienced?

Adultry. At least 3 people. Hearing the girl tell me it was 'just sex' with my husband.
Forgiving him, for that and other things, and HE left ME in the end. That was my ultimate
betrayal. But I learned I will never tolerate that again. Ever. period. End of story. No questions asked, dont let the door hit you in the ass, never again!!!!

How do you waste the biggest chunk of time each day, or week?

ummmmm, work much? yea, cus I do! lol!

Friday, July 22, 2005

All I Got Was This Stupid T-shirt.....

We changed our computer system at work. It was a big fiasco, and ordeal, and continues to be.

I am lucky, I do not use the system for much at all, I work in Microsoft programs mostly.

We just all got T-Shirts that have our logo on the front.

The back says "I survived :insert company here: SAP Implementation July 18, 2005"

So the saying goes:

I survived the new system upgrade, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt??? People literally were losing their marbles this week. This place was hopping, and I mean hopping!!

I dunno 'bout you all, but I'm wearing mine!

I just thought it was funny, I didn't say it was stupid! I love free stuff! lol.

Dave's not here....

I have had this sound on my computer, forever. I share an office with a guy named Dave. He runs a lot of reports for people, and is in high demand. We just upgraded our computer system, so he is particularly busy lately.

Everyone.... comes looking for Dave. While, I am always willing to help others out, and be nice, and smiley at the office, it does get a little old, when the same person asks me 10 times if Dave's here, and each time I say "I don't know" or "I havn't seen him" or "Yes, he is here somewhere" (my most popular answer)

Dave in today?
Seen Dave?
Dave around?
Dave off?
Dave on vacation?
Dave around somewhere?
and the most annoying "Isn't it your turn to babysit Dave?"

So, yesterday and today, Dave is on vacation. I think I am smart, and I post a sign on my desk. My desk faces our doorway, so I am the first thing you see, a bright ray of sunshine lol. I put the sign right where my face is so if you look in to ask me "Where's Dave" you will not see my smiling face, you'll see my sign 'Dave is on vacation Thursday and Friday'

You know, that hasn't stopped people from asking me where Dave is? Because now, people think it's funny to ask me, just to be smart asses!

I have a hard enough time remembering when I am at work, and what I am doing when I am here. I have to write my shit down so I remember each day what I have to do...I can't remember where someone is!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Different is good....

Ever get to thinking, how different you think you are from others, and realize your not really all that different at all? Or, that you have it bad and meet someone who has it worse? It is interesting, to ask people how they perceive you in different aspects of your life.

Strange thing, that is. For instance, for the longest time, I thought everyone had that thing when you drift off to sleep and dream you are falling, and jump awake. Not everyone does!! Weird!

Or, that other people dream about losing their teeth. It means you fear loss of control. I have not once....since leaving TWDSO had that dream. I use to have it all the time. I'd pull them out, or they'd fall out on their own. I think knowing that I don't 'need' him to survive, is the reason.

I also had irratic heartbeats when living there. Usually at night before bed. My guess would be, because I was thinking of how I could avoid having sex with him, yet again. It sounds really bad, but I would just think, ok, tomorrrrrrrrrow I will give in. Give in??? Yea, it was bad! lol! At least I can say I wasn't using him for it! LOL!!!! No more irratic heart either, the Dr. said it was stress related. More like, its TWDSO related! And I am healthy! I also have not had to take sleeping pills since I moved out. I sleep like a baby. I use to get up on average 10 times a night and never felt rested without the pills. This is something you should keep an eye on, sometimes your body knows when your mind is in turmoil and you still dont listen.

I will start calling miracle, if when I go to the GYN this year, my ueterus has gone back where it should be. (it is falling, not tragic at all for me)

But speaking of how others perceive you, WG said he thought me and Bubba were (I forget the exact wording, forgive me..) well-to-do.
I said "US???" yea, that's why we work 2 jobs. It amazes me the more I think about it, how others perceive you. I had this problem a LOT in my younger days, because I am normally shy at first to meet people. Everyone thought I thought I was better than them, and that was why I didn't talk to people.

Or, you see someone who you think has a perfect life, at your counselors office. (that's akward) It helps to think that everyone has problems. I have to pass these extravagent houses to get to 'town' where I live. I look at them, and say some day, I will have a house like that. I really do want a big beautiful home, and I know I can achieve whatever it is that I want, if I work for it.
But I use to say I wanted that life. You don't know what someone's life is like at all.

I am really into my work. I wouldn't think it is something other people notice. But people do. I don't really thing I go above and beyond, and others say that I do.

I also want the entire package, minus the kids. The nice house, nice cars, nice husband, great jobs. But then again people say if you meet the right person you want kids. I don't see 'the right person' carrying around the kid for 9 months. And men don't stick around like they use to. The world is already full of father-less kids, and it really screws kids up! Especially girls. I mean, look at me! And my dad in no way abandoned me. He was an alchoholic, and we didn't have the best relationship. But, it messes with you. I feel I would rather not contribute to filling the world with more kids. They, will be taking care of us when we are old. All those father-less children, desperate for love, making more babies.....

My brother is finally out of the hospital! Yayyy! And, the receptionist said "I didn't realize your wife was here" we must make an adorable couple, since, we look the same. I said "I'm his sister!" Why do people assume you are married cus you are there? Stupid!

Sabotage! This just in....a coworker told me another coworker means to sabotage my winning the weight loss challenge this month, and put food on my desk. Bring it on baby! It only makes me want to win that much more!!!! (it was all in good fun)

I have no big exciting wknd plans. It is kinda nice. I might go out tonight w/Tayray if she goes out. I am in the mood to kickit a bit! She hurt herself playing soft ball. Her second game. She said she is too old, but tayray is way younger than me, so she better stop with the old crap! She is hobbling around work, and I try not to laugh. She said she got some good drugs though! Bonus! Hopefully I get to see WG cus I need my fix. He didn't feel good last night. Poor guy. Sickipooooo! LOL!

And Katie sent me this today. Bitch stole my fish!

Today's Questions:

What is the best thing to do right after sex?

Depends. Catch your breath if it was off the chain....then smoke. Or, get right to the smoking, if it wasn't breathtaking.

What was the moment in your life when you felt most in love?

My wedding. Dancing with my (now) ex husband. My then-friend sang our song 'Because You Loved Me' (celine dion, i know, puke, but it was 1996 ok?) We both cried, and it was just a beautiful moment. She sang so well, and it made it that much more special to us.

It's all about Bubba!....Deal with it!

Bubba, has a mild addiction in life. It is, her cell phone. She has been known to carry said phone, to the bathroom to avoid missing a call. Voicemail, means nothing to Bubba, she likes it live and in person!

You talkin' bout me?

She also drops her phone all the time. (she spills at least 1 drink a day too but thats off topic!)
It finally started falling apart. She had it rubber banded for a while, to keep it closed. I made her a ghetto phone sticker, because I don't know many people who have to rubber band their phones.

She took 1/2 a vacation day, to get a new phone. Most people, save vacation days for vacationing. Not her!

She wanted to see how many more times she could've dropped it before it would've completely fallen apart. So It was fun to act like her and carry it around, and say "oh, a text msg" and drop it. LOL! And...throw it at walls in anger! Smash the screen....

Then, it finally came apart. We had a lot of laughs, talking into the parts, like they were walkie talkies, while sitting in the car next to each other. Sometimes, We are totally gay. This is one of the best pictures ever.

Broke phone no workie.

The phone has not seen its end just yet.....

You'll have to add anything to comments Bubba, I am not witty today and you didn't send your story.

And, here are some funny pics from last Saturday, when we laughed ourselves silly, or were so silly we laughed ourselves sick, or hacked to death from smoking, and laughing at the same time.

Parking lot antics.

Golden Corral is Good...Mkay?


Today's Question:

How do YOU best vent anger?

I don't think this is the BEST way, but I tend to turn into a psychopath. Throw a few things, talk to myself (and it is TALKING cus I answer)
example.. when hooking up my tivo:

"why does this stupid fucking thing have to be such a peice of shit?" (as I throw the book at the wall, not a person, see Im nice!)

"I don't know why it's a peice of shit, it just fucking is!" (as i go pick up said peice of shit tivo book)
(mess with peice of shit and it still doesn't work)
"Good lord, why can't I get anything to work?"
"I dunno!"
(mess with wires and plugs)
"there, you are all plugged in, this goes there, this goes there, why isn't there power?"
"who knows, it should work, how do you know you aren't plugged in right?"

At which point, I usually start to cry, and give up. LOL! That is my anger management!

Just Because......


And no, not even close.

It's like rain.......On Your Wedding Day...

They say that it is good luck when it rains on your wedding day. Don't buy that shit. It rained the morning of my wedding. And we all see how well that went!!! It's dreary. I think it rained cus my car was wet. Can't park in the garage since my ceiling could give at any moment and hurt Marissa......(who is my car).

I dunno what is going on in my head lately. I am just sorta down this morning. I just think too much. I was doing pretty good not thinking about things, but life happens. I can't stop myself from thinking or having feelings that I have. I am tired of not feeling my feelings, so I guess this is just what it is like? No wonder I stuffed them for so long! No wonder people become alchoholics and drug addicts! It seems like such an easy out. Easy, with a price of course. But nice to not feel things.

We are playing the mega millions. I really hope we win. I can't think of anything that would make me more happy right now. Well, besides if maybe God appeared to me and told me what I am doing here, and what I am suppose to be doing! Mom always says 'bloom where you are planted'. I try to live that way.

I think I'm blooming, I'm definatly planted.....Maybe I would rather be a weed, that grows fast and out of control, and takes over the entire bed for myself? This taking time to bloom crap is for the birds!!!!!! I feel like my poor plants that are neglected, and wilt. I water them and they perk right up. I think I need more water. Whatever that may be, I need some! Or maybe I am something suceptible to fungus and disease? I need to be sprayed with a fungucide, to stop the mutation! I work in an office with a technical (meaning plants in my industry)support person. Can you tell?

I don't have much more to say today. I don't feel smart, or witty, or creative. I don't mean it in a bad way, but men do change your life. You get to trucking along thinking things are hunky dory, then you have to consider another person and their feelings. It is hard. This is why I have pets. Their opinions don't matter, because they love me no matter what. They don't have to earn their keep, or do any housework. They don't talk back like children, and they require much less patience. I get mad about things and will yell at my poor dog...she doesn't hold it against me either, not in the littlest way. Why can't we all be more like animals? Myself included!

This morning my bunny boy Boo's came out of his cage when I got him up, and he let me pet him when I gave him his raisens. And he kind of did his little circle dance, that I havn't seen him do in a long time. I just feel awful for him. I had been making him come out, by trapping him in his cage. He didn't like it, he thumped at me. But he is lonley. I cuddled him and kissed him and pet him like Bitsy use to do. So he is making progress. He still hasn't come out of his room on his own, but he may soon with time. He hasn't Binkied in forever, I miss his cute little bunny runs and jumps. Those two together made me laugh so much.

Well I have successfully depressed myself further by discussing my sad bunny missing his little wifeypoo!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


Ok, Ok, it's the Wednesday weigh in. I was certain I gained weight, seeing how I never had but 2 days of intentional exercise this week, and ate a plethera of junk foods!!!! I can only think, to thank WG for extra curricular activities! Thank you! I think our experiment could work, we just need to apply it a little more to get better results! My advice to all who are battling their weight.

I dunno how much longer I am going to be able to work 2 jobs, have a life, have 6 pets, EXERCISE, and have a man in my life. It is rough! I have my days!! I did get to bed by 12:30...but I didn't get much of anything done! Washed laundry, dried, put away. Washed another load. Actually wrote in my journal. (have been slacking in this area too)
I was pretty down in the dumps last night. I dunno if it's PMS? I have been all jacked up in that department for a while now. Since 'The Breakup'... I havn't really had one at all. But fear not, I will not bear TWDSO's demon spawn, I'm on the pill. Not to mention, had no sex for 6 months, so I'd be about ready to pop soon. Just too much thinking!

I am not the spring chicken I once was! Back in the day, I use to go to work at the bank and still be hungover. When I got divorced I was a party animal. I also got fired eventually for missing so much work. But, the bulk of those days were missed because I spent a month in a dark depression. They didn't care that my world had fallen apart! So, then, I'd close the bars down, and get my butt to work! Sleep at my desk on morning breaks. Bubba came in later than me and would sometimes wake me up! Now, I really sound old, telling 'those were the days' stories!!

I just don't have time for anything. I only have 2 hours at home a night, and if I have cleaning, laundry, or anything to do but exercise, that is all I get done, and I get no exercising done!! I have to do it first thing at 10pm cus it makes me wired, and I have trouble falling asleep if I do it later...then I can't get up in the morning, and I am late for work.
My job, is, and always has been #1 to me.

I am going to have to talk to WG about this. I really enjoy spending time with him, and I am on the right track...I seem to be getting thrown off! I need to keep on trucking with exercise, it makes me feel really good mentally and physically, and this past week, bleh. I don't feel so good! Eating more junk than usual.....(I have had more cookies this week than I have had in 4 months, and that is the truth!) I have to keep myself first and keep on with my plans. This is my time! The time is now! lol!

I honestly felt ok with things, until I started thinking about the future, where WG is concerned. This is why I wanted to keep it easy. I didn't want to think of futures, and love, and being in a relationship. I can't help that it happened, because that is the natural progression of life... but I knew this is how I would react once those things came up. If there is one thing I know, its me!
Hopefully I'll get this all resolved (at least off my chest) tonight.

Bubba called off work today, because she sucks! I would say she needs some time off, because she is working my same hours, and spending each night with her new man. I have been taking days off from mine. So I sprayed her with air lift air freshener. A little thing we like to call payback!! Then, she threw a paperclip at me and it hit me in the temple. She could've killed me or poked out my eye! She is off the chain!
I surely wish I was at home in bed, sleeping! But, I'm too chicken shit to call off when I really don't need to. 4 years and counting....perfect attendance. It's ok to be jealous of me!

I am looking forward to my Wed. salad. I get a grilled chicken salad each wednesday. It is good to have tradition in your life. (is this another sign of getting old??) It's big, and I eat half for lunch Wed, and the other half on Thurs, and it keeps nice! LOL - Now i really DO sound old ok?

Today's Question:

Who was the worst creep you ever dated?

I think I dated plenty of creeps. But hands down, the biggest creep would be Steve. He was also the shortest relationship in my history! 8 months! He has moved out of state and since married and had a kid, yea good luck to HER! He was a really good lay and thats about all I can say about him! I was on the re-bound and fell head over heals for no good reason. I let him move in with me cus he got kicked out of his moms (should've been a clue). He ended up living with me and never paying me a dime, bought food once. Disappeared a lot for days on end. One time, he disappeared and decided he was moving to Colorado. Nice. I soon realized he stole a lot from me, countless CD's (how he got money was by selling my CD's) my video camera, money, money from my SISTER which we didnt know for sure but in retrospect, Im thinking it was him!
Yea, Stevo was a creepo!

I believe you have my stapeler....

I am the proud owner, of an official Red Swingline Stapeler.

I am quick to jump to conclusions, and thought someone stole my stapeler today. Sent out an email asking if someone tried to pull one over on Milton, and take my stapeler.

I found it! Right on my desk. I am an ass.

Only because, someone always tries to take it, thinking they are funny. It might be funny the first 2 or 3 times.

(same with calling me lewinsky, which is similar, but not near close to my real name! that was what, at least 5 years ago, get over it!)


(Pssst...I am working under mounds, upon mounds of papers, and crap, and projects, and papers, and stuff)

It just hasn't been my week ok? Hopefully HUMP day will be my defining moment! (after I get weighed of course. bleh)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Book me a spot on Montel Williams......

Since I guessed that TWDSO was dating that monkey girl, without any real knowledge of the situation....I like to think of myself as a psychic. I said I would become one if I were right, and so, well, I was right!

Feel free to ask me anything. I will let you know your future.

The second thing was, I wished for all my exes to have kids, cus they didn't like kids.

It took Katie (my smartest friend you know) to point it out to me, duh, that "Z" did just that!

Of course, my ex-husband has about 4 kids by now. Bet it's fun living off $50 a week after forking over all that child support!

So, I am going to be more careful with my curses, and bad mouthing people. Apparently, I don't know my own strength!!

This could also serve as a warning - don't nobody be messin' with me!! Maybe I have mind control?!

I am the great and powerful Mon...fear me. (yea, my guess would be, push me over, if I had enough to drink, I'll go right down, and be out for the night)

My Most Embaressing Moment...

As promised, here is how I embaressed myself.

In my old apartment, I had a dufuss who lived there who had a CB radio. He put this giant antennae on top of the building, which interfered with everything I owned. I'd hear his big mouth on my answering machine, CD player, Tape player, TV, VCR, DVD. He was vulgar too, at all hours, talking about this and that to do with sex to other men.... I lived alone, and sometimes he would sound irate, and it would scare me! I complained to my landlord countless times about his interference. Supposedly he told the guy to take the tower down, but he didn't. I put a nasty note on his door once, and the next day I had one on MY door! lol! He called me a bitch among other things!
But...I even taped him being disgusting for proof! And I still have some of his conversations on tape! I had to call the FCC, the phone company, the makers of my tv/vcr/cordless phone/answering machine, and the cable guy. It was a fiasco!!!!

My embaressing moment...involves the cable guy. They had come out to test the settings on my box already. But, I still could hear this guy thru VCR (i could turn down my phone and answering machine, but there is no getting around the tv/vcr)
So, he comes in and messes with some codes, and asks do I have a movie to put in, to see if he can still hear the yahoo talking through it. I said yea, there is one in there already. (cus there was)

He pushed play, and loe and behold, it was a PORNO!!!!!!! Right at the good part, ok?
I immediately said, that's my brothers.....and turned bright red!!! AAAAH HAAAAA!!!!! And he laughed and pushed stop!

LOL! Cable Guy + Single girl at home alone with porn = embaressing.
I don't think I ever felt more stupid in my life! At least flooding my apartment, was done while I was alone!

Share your embaressing moment, its liberating!!!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Napoleon on Cinemax

In the midst of a bad day, when you have tried to cheer yourself up with dirty dictionary words. Try Napoleon Dynamite.

A favorite phrase

I hated this movie the first time. I never cracked a smile. I recommend watching intoxicated. With friends. Fun ones. Now, I laugh about it constantly.

Try it, you might like it! It's free if you have Cinemax! It will be on Saterday, July 30th.

Go. Watch. Laugh. Only if drunk. Or like stupid humor (which I only like if im the one being stupid usually)

Water, water, everywhere!...

So...what did you do this wknd.?

I flooded my apartment!!!!! Good one Mon! Good one!!!!

Saterday I took a nap after a long, tiring day. I got up, ran my bath. I also bought myself a new TV with my extra money in my paycheck. The bad part of the new TV is, Tivo was in and out for some reason, it is stupid, and you have to have it unplugged or plugged in a certain number of seconds, don't ask me why!! And I couldn't stand it, and had to mess with it forever. Well, about an HOUR later, I notice water coming in the living room. (My bathroom is right across from my living room, but I have a blanket in the doorway to keep the a/c in the kitchen, and living room.)
Yea, it was bad! I had to use a cup to get the water up out of the bathroom. All my towels. Thru the spin cycle. All my towels. Twice.

WG luckily called me and got a shop vac, and sucked up the water. I've had my a/c on, and fans running trying to dry it. Yesterday, I noticed my garage ceiling is bowed in, from the water upstairs!!!!!

Saturday morning we had a morning meeting for job #2. Bubba entertained herself during that, by pouring sweet 'n' low on my feet, and writing notes to WG about rim jobs, and texting on her phone. All I can say about saturday, is that we had lost our minds. We were really being obnoxious. Bubba started it! We are usually the only ones laughing in cases like these, but you know what? we laughed for about 5 straight hours, and I dunno many people who can say THAT! She made a mess at the Golden Corral eating her food up like a freak lol. The people sitting by us gave her dirty looks.

We went to get my TV (that I love) from the JC Penny Outlet. It is silver, and matches Tivo, and my DVD player. They are beautiful, my electronics!! My electronics, bought with my money, that I didn't need to borrow from anyone, or have anyone help me pay my bills with! I LOVE MY INDEPENDANCE!!! It feels good! I don't need nobody to depend on but ME!

We went to the Beir Haus Saterday night. Had some drinks. The DJ wasn't too exciting Sat, and Tiffany2 came and the one said she didn't think he was cute. (there are 2 tiffanies) Shot dowwwwwwn. LOL! WG joined the shot crew thing, so we all had strange shots. I got chocolate cake, which was disgusting, he had a creamy snatch and Bubba got a blowjob. Know what they have at the Beir Haus? Futons. And TV's. Fun shots. Sandbox. And Beer.

Yesterday, my ex "Z" called me. 2 months ago, he's sweating me to hook up, and now he is all fatherly, as if he has changed. He said he had a boy, looks just like him, I said congrats, and asked him if he felt different. It was a short convo....
Z: I have a son
ME: Did you??? 10 fingers 10 toes (like I really care)
Z: Yes, he looks just like me so I cant deny him
ME: Why would you want to?
Z: I don't
ME: So do you feel any different?
Z: Yes, I have to get up at 3a.m.
ME: Rough Life
Z: So, you seeing anyone yet?
ME: Yes, you could say that, he is here now (WG was sleeping)
Z: Who is it?
ME: Someone I work with, at my second job.
Z: That's not a good idea.
ME: You are the expert on relationships (very sarcasticly)
Z: You just don't know what could happen....hold on, I think my
girlfriend is home....

Then, in classic "Z"-dom "My girlfriends home...click" lol lol lol! Cus, you know, we can't talk I guess? I dunno why I am pleasant to him. I think it's cus he is the only guy who ever admitted to me that he royally fucked up losing me. It's a good stroke to the old ego I think? Cus he really doesn't deserve my friendship. We were both screwed up in the head in the relationship, I did my part, but he was the friggin maniac!!! Jealous, posessive, crazy!

When Eminem's last CD came out he called to tell me that our song was 'Crazy in Love'. Some people may be offended by that, but its true, word for word, every last sentance of that song is us. When I first heard it I laughed 3 times through it. Some people, just do not belong together. I am not like that anymore. And he claims not to be either. We make much better friends. We made pretty good Special friends too......but, that's all in the past. All that we really had, was incredible sex. Too much times gone by. We've both moved on! What's done is done!

(excerpt: You make me crazy/The way we act like two maniacs in the sack/We fuck like two jack rabbits/ and maybe that's a bad habit/Cause the next day we right back at it/In the same exact pattern/What the fuck is the matter with us/We can't figure out if it's lust/Or if it's love which that is attractin us to each other/They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother/Which would explain why you're such a motherfuckin bitch/But I stay and still stick it out with you/Even though I just hit you today /but you deserved it/You hit me first and provoked me to choke you/Just cause I came home late last night/Crawled in bed and I woke you/But if there's one thing about you that I admireIt's baby, because you stay with me/Maybe cause you're as crazy as I am/Cause when I look at youI can see an angel in your eyes/ but if I look deeper inside/I see a freakish little side, like a devil in disguise)

Did I say, that I got a new TV? To understand the excitement for me, I have been watching a 19" TV, that even w/my glasses on, you couldn't really read the menu options. Now, I have a 27" flat screen!!!! With surround sound built in!!! It's IN there! I just love it! And, I deserve it for working my butt off! It also has loud volume, and its smart and goes up and down when the movie does.

WG had war of the worlds on DVD. So, we watched it at my house, on the new TV! It was really good! Much better than going to the theater. We didn't break any laws whatsoever. Someone else did I think. lol.

Other than that, I spent any spare time cleaning up my water mess, and doing laundry. I lead an exciting life you know!! Katie came to get some rose bushes I got from work. And some geraniums. I had to replace most of my plants, with ones I brought back from the trade show, cus they all died while I was gone. I miss having time for gardening, it really makes me happy! I don't even get to enjoy my plants. Next summer, hopefully I won't be working 2 jobs and can enjoy more.

I am going to the eye Dr. today. YAY new eyes!!!!

And, I debated saying this tidbit, but it's best to document all occurances...lol.
WG said the big "L" word to me officially this wknd. I will say it when I am ready. I feel something. But I'm scared to admit to anything. I plead the fifth! I am afraid that once that is out there, it will go downhill. My momma says...."he can't help himself" ....she is my momma and she has to say those things about me!
We should see each other tonight. Hopefully. He has been busy helping his brother move. And I have been busy too. It was hard enough to keep my house in order just working 2 jobs.
Now I have a man in the mix.

I am trying to talk my mom into moving back to Ohio. She will love it here. We have a lot of fun!

Today's Question:

In light of my stupidity, make me feel better and tell me something dumb you did!!!!

Read post, I flooded my apartment ok????

Friday, July 15, 2005

2 Thumbs up with a twist goes to....

To the smartest person I know!! My friend Katie passed both her state teaching exams!!!!!!
YOU GO GIRL! I knew you have been in school for the past 11 years for SOMETHING!!!
She even placed in the top 15% on one!!

Now, you can learn me something smrt, er, smart!

If you ever want to know something, she usually knows!!

And an ICK for today...

If one more person at Barberton hospital refers to me as my brothers wife, I might puke! Every time he has been in there lately, they ask if I am his wife. Um, do we not look alike? Yes, we do! If any of them seemed worthy I would say, no, I'm not, but YOU could be!

The Packmule story is in here.....

It is Friday! First, I came to work, and the guy in my office w/me rearranged his area. It threw me for a loop! And, we got an extra $200 in our job #2 checks last night. Yea, EXTRA! For waiving our insurance! It was a suprise too! And, I got paid some overtime on my check from job #1. I am going to be out of the hole! Next pay, I can finally start saving!!!! Gee, it only took me working 2 jobs for 6 months! LOL! I blame TWDSO for ruining my plan. Which was, to work 2 jobs and live there cheap then skip town. I think he was on to me or something.

I'm working on the saga of Bubba's cell phone. This will be a Monday morning funny. Definately don't want to miss it. LOL! It will feature, Bubba's commentary.

I woke up not too happy today. I am well rested, but I was alone. Bleh. No WG last night. We got things to do, but I am still allowed to miss him!! I won't see him at work tonight cus he is going to the company picinic, and I am not going, cus it is while I am working away here. And, I'm not going to work tonight, cus I don't have to, and it's Friday!!!

WG wrote up Bubba twice at job #2. One we found last week, he said it was his writing, and he did it. It was for finger errors (how dumb is that to say?) And, we found another one in all her work crap last night.
Well, actually, I caught her cleaning out her bag, and shoving papers into my already messy purse, thats how it really went!!! So I said that looks like WG's writing.
She ripped it up and traced her hand and middle finger, and said
"This is what I think of your finger errors" and left it on his desk.
We laughed about it forever. We...are easily amused!! We were in pretty goofy moods at work. I was sick. I think just exhausted, but my body hurt, every part. I kept saying, "I don't FEEL good" you know, like Napoleon Dynamite. Which made us laugh at my not feeling well....so, the laughter helped. Bubba's good for a laugh.

My momma got another admirer. A guy at work said my mom is a very nice looking lady, and he see's where I get my looks. Actually, it was more like,
"Who is THAT?" while pointing to her picture.
If he weren't married, I'd be hooking them up, cus hes a nice guy! I dunno if he could handle the *packmule* though. LOL! Ohio guys are nicer Momma...I got contacts! I can hook YOU up!!! Please come home!!!! I might be getting a new bed! You can sleep on my 12 year old bed!!
Everyone says that about her though. I say, she gives me hope for gettin' old(er).

I'm going to visit my brother after work. He said they got the blood clot, and re-inflated his blood vessel. How painful does that sound? He also got a catheter, which he wasn't thrilled about! Hopefully he learns to take better care of himself. I can't do everything. I have had excellent blood pressure each Dr. visit. I don't want to start having problems due to stress!!!!

*The story of the packmule*

This isn't a really great story, just a history, cus we do call my momma the packmule. And it isnt cus she looks like one, or that she is stubborn. (which she could be, and if she were, I definatly wouldn't have inherited this trait from her at allllllll)
I think it was 1995, I went to Virginia Beach to visit my sister with Momma, and Bubba. We would park the car, and have to carry a ton of crap to the beach. Momma ended up carrying most of the stuff, cus that is just what Mom's do.

So finally, she just said, "what do I look like a packmule?" well, since you mentioned it.........

And it just stuck. Bubba and me laughed about it the entire trip. You know, Mom's, always have the big purse, zillions of keys and keychains, the nasal spray, a pill or a cure for anything, and the bug eye sunglasses, and the snot rags, and pens, and contact solution, nail files, nail polish, krazy glue, at LEAST $10 in change, etc.....so, since she already has that stuff, what's a few more things?

"Packmule, will you carry this in your purse?"

After a while, she just accepted her role as the packmule. Then she tried to mentor Bubba. She gave her a purse (from the salvation army) with a horse shoe in it when she abandoned us to move to South Carolina. She wrote a little tag out and everything and told Bubba it was her packmule training kit. Bubba doesn't seem to remember this at all, which means she no longer HAS her packmule training kit!
Packmule remembers this too Bubba, so that's 2 against 1! She also gave Bubba a big ceramic camel, that I think either my Aunt, or my Grandma made. It was from a nativity set. But all she gave Bubba, was the camel. ha ha ha ha ha. It's about 12" high, its a big camel! Bubba still has it. It is a family heirloom!

Momma tried to get 'packmule' on her liscence plates, but apparently, this is another term for a drug runner. They told her that at the BMV and she couldnt get it. Just to clarify, that while my mom may run, and carry *prescription* drugs on her person, she is not, in fact, a drug runner. She has a way harder job than that, and anyone who wants to whisk her away from her troubles, contact me! I'll hook you up! She's a fun person to hang with!

And now you know! And knowing, is half the battle!

Today's Question(s):

What turned out to be the most useful course you took in school?

Um, typing!! LOL! Seriously, I went to vocational school for Office Systems, and everything I learned in there, helps me every day.

Who is the person most similar to yourself in the world?


Thursday, July 14, 2005


Sorry I forgot the question today. I have been busy working. And, slowly being driven mad by technical mumbo jumbo, and my twitching eye, and my headache, and no sleep, and family stuff.
My brother has been moved to Critical Care. Apparently, he wasnt taking his blood thinners. They told him it was crucial he did that when they let him go the last time. He could have died this time. I don't understand why it is so hard to take care of yourself???? I asked him a couple times if he needed to go get medicine too, so he really had no reason not to be taking them.

He also has some deficiancy with his heart. My dad died of aneurysm. Poof.
My dad's dad, died of a heart attack. Poof. My brother, seems to not think this is a serious issue.

But, before my head explodes, something fun that requires no brain power:

Today's Question:

What is the worst weather you have experienced?

It was about 12 years or so ago. There was a tornado that touched down in my town. I think they called it some kind of wind tunnel, or some crap like that. But, it was a tornado alright! The sky turned yellow after a storm, and it got quiet. We lived in a trailer. I was home alone. Scared. My mom called me from Arby's and said to leave the trailer and go to the mail building, i said "whaaaaaaaaat?" crackle, crackle, leave, crackle crackle click. I was shutting windows and our neighbor was alone with her little boy crying and yelling at me to come over. I had to track down my cat who had decided to never leave under the bed for the life of her. I wrapped her in a blanket, and went to the neighbors. We ended up being evacuated that night, due to a downed powerline/tree in the yard. Roofs, and trees were ripped apart. But it wasnt a tornado. NOOOO!

Another time, last summer, the tornado sirens sounded, and I systematically ran up 2 flights of stairs (basement and floor level) to gather each of my pets....1....at....a....time. I called pseudo-weatherman TWDSO frantic.....as always he didn't answer my call.
Once I got all 5 of them in the basement, and sat down in a panic in the basement, TWDSO called to tell me I was safe. He was always so thoughtful of me and my over-reactions. (of course, I am being sarcastic!)

An End to my love affair with Energy drinks....

I think that my new found love of energy drinks is going to have to stop. I like them, they taste good. They are added calories I don't need...But they give me such a boost! I have resorted to such things as, mixing them with Mountain Dew. Rock Star energy and Mountain Dew Live Wire are the best combo. I started with an eye twitch last night, and now, sitting here staring at my computer, all I can think about is my twitching eye, as it throbs....and throbs...and throbs. From the moment I woke up til now. Nothing is helping it.

This happens to me when I have too much caffine. Keep in mind, I gave up caffine months ago. I would have 1 drink now and then. Latley I have had it daily. Yesterday, I had a cappucinno, and an amp energy drink! I am out of control!

So....as I sip on my Full Throttle, I will remember it fondly...you pick me up when I'm feeling down, turn my whole world upside down, give my heart and soul to you, to let you know this love is true.....(THAT was old school! Tommy Page!!!! memories of 8th grade cloud my mind! lol)

Time to try for some good old fashioned sleep, to get my energy. I know if I start exercising it'll come back! It has been 1 week today since I worked out. And, I can tell a huge difference. My muscles ache. And I feel BLAH!!!!!!

Bye bye caffine sniff sniff. I will miss you terribly!!!! Twitch....Twitch...

Deep Thoughts....by...ME....

Sometimes, when I am outside, I will look at the clouds, in the blue sky, and feel the sunshine warm my face. I take a deep breath, and let everything go. Sometimes it is the tree's that make me stop. Sometimes it is when I am watching the birds at my birdfeeder. It is almost like an out of body experience, because everything is clear, everything is quiet, everything is still...I get tunnel vision, and I say to myself..."self, it is wonderful to be alive, the world is a beautiful place, I am a very lucky girl" and nothing bothers me for those few short moments....but I always come back to reality! Usually with a sick feeling that jolts me right out of it. Self! happiness! Danger!!!! Danger!!!!!

I wish that I could hold on to those times longer. They slip away too fast. I have a messed up head that doesn't allow me happiness. I am trying not to let it get the best of me but it's a struggle. I am my own worst enemy. I know this. Changing it, has not been easy. While I have come a long way with changing myself, this part still haunts me. I have fear of intimacy. Fear of abandonment. What do you do when what you fear the most, has found its way into your life again?

I think of it as any one else's fear. Burglary, murder...it can happen anywhere, and when you least expect it, as much as you may try guard yourself with alarms, weapons, or, ...trying to hide from feelings you might have. People don't invite predators into their homes. This is what it feels like to me. Or, playing with fire. Or, sticking you hand into a piranha tank. Whichever best visualizes it for you! lol!

I spent most of my life, seeking approval, and love from men. I learned from various sources, that this comes from not having my dad in my life much. I remember crying a lot thinking my dad didn't love me. I remember thinking I had to be the 'good' one and sought his approval. He would tell me when I was in the paper, or cut out articles for my accomplishments. I felt like that was my 'in'...success. I never had flings, I clung on for dear life, and it just turns out that most of the guys were useless. I played my part, I am at fault for a lot of things. But I don't belive there is any excuse for hitting a woman. I never deserved that part. I can say, I provoked a lot of things, but I was out of my mind for a period of my life. Normal people, don't stab beds when their husbands are in them....do they? LOL!!!!

But, somewhere along the line, I lost my way. I wanted to be loved so much, that I gave up myself to try to find it. I didn't know how to function on my own, as an individual. My life, was my man. At first, this was the case with my ex-husband, as we met at 15(him) and 16(me). We were each other's world. But when he started to get a life other than me I panicked. That was the beginning of my downfall. While I am sure these subjects will come up from time to time in the future, I won't go into detail about it right now. But I did whatever I could to prevent him from leaving me, and ultimatly I pushed him away.

Funny thing is, now, I am just like he was. I need my space. My space makes me appreciate everything that much more. It enhances every aspect of my life. I never want to be to the point where I feel sick thinking about going home to someone cus they are always there.

And then, there is control. It comes from my fear of change. Funny how my biggest fears are things that are inevitable. I use to have to control others. This made me a miserable person, because anyone who has been there knows, it's impossible. It took the same thing happening to me, to make me realize, what I had been doing to others. Not fun. No one has a right to tell you what you can or can't do. If you want to do things that might hurt others, then you aren't with the right person. That is how I take it. Everyone has thoughts, their normal. Actions, are where the lines are crossed.

So, having had another moment of clarity today, seeing the world through untainted eyes....has made me think a lot about where I am today. Maybe it was my horoscope from yesterday. Talking about following my dreams. I have a lot of dreams. And, I know that you do not become what you want, you become what you believe. I believe my dreams are worth reaching for. I am trying. I don't know how much longer I can hide under my tough exterior. I want so much to be independant. I am battling this right now. How to be independant, and have someone special in my life. I get a flutter when I imagine it. It is that scarey to me. Bleh!

Obviously, I am a caring person. I say I am selfish. I say I am difficult. I don't think I would be blessed with all the great people in my life, if these things were true. And I do like myself a lot. I am fun to be around. I don't think I'd enjoy my alone time so much, if I didn't like me. There has got to be more to me than that. WG told me that I am a caring loving person, and that my outlet has been my friends, and pets. I guess, I am more open to that being a truth than I have been before. I can see it. He tells me I do nice things all the time. Maybe I have always been this way, and no one appreciated me? Because I don't feel like I am doing anything out of the ordinary. (besides, not cleaning as much....or sleeping...lol)

This song makes me think of this portion of my life whenever I hear it. It really holds true, for this post, because it is what is happening to me. I am struggling with my feelings, I feel them. They scare me. I havn't run away yet...They are there. I want to spit them out, divulge my secrets. I honestly think that he knows how I feel. I do feel connected, and yea, I know that sounds weird. It is an actual feeling this time. They are not just words. I am projecting my fear onto him. Afraid, that when he knows, he will leave. Because this is my fear.

I am determined not to let myself give up on what I deserve. Which, after this long and steep road, is ultimately happiness.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move 'til you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

You never know, what can happen. I keep saying I am not worrying about the future. I am not labeling anything. I am not going to let anything happen, so nothing can end, nothing can change. Yet, I am not actually doing these things. I slipped up and labeled him when talking about him with Bubba last night. It just slipped out, that I called him my boyfriend. I said, I didn't say that. She is in the same boat. Scared. You just get too afraid to trust that what someone does and says is true.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wednesday Weigh In......

Ugh. So, I just weighed in. I gained a pound. BOOTY! At least it was just 1 pound. I am going to start my period any day. And I ate meat every day for the last 5 days. And aside from the physical labor I was forced to do, I have had no intentional exercise. So, all things considered, being down $1/1 pound isnt so bad. I told everyone, next week is a new week! I'm just trying to let them think that they have a chance to win. muh ah ah ah ahhhhh....
I gotta get back to it! I was doing good! I can get out of gaining 1 stupid pound! Me and Carmen have a hot date tonight!!

I am also, going to admit today, that I ate Taco Bell yesterday. I had been on a 3 month hiatus. I blame PMS. I have to blame something, other than weakness! lol! I had gone 3 months only having fast food 1 time, which was a McChicken...somewhat ok I guess!

I had a dream about TWDSO. I havn't had any dreams I remembered for a while. (I did dream about WG when I was in Columbus). Anyhoo, TWDSO read my blog in my dream. LOL. He wasn't very happy and we got into an arguement. I told him the truth hurts. Ha ha! Dreams are funny. I keep track of dreams that I can remember. Sometimes, their doozies!

My brother looks good. I went to see him after work yesterday. (4:30, yay!!!) He said they are hooking him up to the clot buster meds today and they don't think he will be in as long as he was the last time, almost 3 weeks. This one isn't as big. They also said they think his blood is thicker than most peoples. Must be a polish thing? Who knows! lol!

I got to spend day time with WG but all I wanted to do was sleep! I ended up falling asleep before the end of Big Brother!!!! So unlike me! But he got me reallllly relaxed, and I couldn't help myself!! He said I snored pretty good! lol! oops! That's me though. Long as he wasn't scared off!
I didn't want to waste my time with him sleeping, if I could I would hook up to him, maybe matrix style with all those tubes, and suck his life force! I don't mean in a bad way. But, you get the picture. MM HMM, not in a dirty way either, cus that sounds bad! People have dirty minds today! Or, maybe that is just me? (I'm innocent momma, you know me!) I can't say it enough that he just makes me "FEEL" good. I even have PMS and I havn't wanted to rip his head off yet. For me, this is a good sign! lol! (lets see if he runs for the hills now?)

One of our new Mgrs. is here today at work. I got to meet him in Columbus. He is a cutie poop. Yes, he is married with children, and he lives out of state, and I am spoken for, but I am still a woman and I have my own opinion!! It isn't just me that thinks so either. And it isn't like he is a stud muffin or anything, he is just so nice! And he helped us set up, unlike any of the other product managers, and he has a sense of humor. He did mens work! Bubba doesn't agree, but it's a good thing we have different taste in men. It's never been an issue with us. I tend to date assholes. Hopefully this has changed!

On another work note....I finally am relieved of my job doing pricing. My old mgr. is taking over it. I feel for her. But, I'm on to bigger and better things! We are going to revamp our website! I get to take some more HTML training. I am really excited to learn more about it. And, it makes me feel a little relieved to have something else to add to my resume. There has been talk around here forever about shutting down and moving to Florida. And we all know the economy isn't that great...Plants are not a necessity. Websites are!! How will I get to Australia when I have no job? Don't ask me!!!

And, finally. Old people. Now, I don't mean all old people, because there are some OK old folks out there. I just havn't met any. And the only reason I don't like old people, is because they need to be taken care of. This might not make sense, since I live to take care of my babies (furbabies) but it's true. I think I don't like them cus I fear getting old. (DUH) But, their slow, and have a sense of entitlement. (to name a few) I never claimed that I was a saint. This comes up from time to time. But I went to the hospital last night. There is an info desk, always manned by women, who are at LEAST in their 70's. (I'd venture to say 80's but I'm being nice) I stood there, in front of these 2 women, for a minute. I thought they were doing something and would help me in a minute. No. They were each reading a magazine. I said excuse me, 3 times, before I was acknowledged. She was really helpful, Edna at the hospital.

Today's Questions:
(since everyone has dirty minds today, here's a dirty one!)

What is the shortest amount of time between orgasms you have experienced?

It has been my experience, that if you are really having them, you have no idea, when, how, why, how many, or how often you have them, but you know for damn sure, that you feel good!!
If you take the time to count them, or think about them, poof! The moment is gone. (this is a hint for men to not say 'did you?' cus you ruin the moment!) But it's been pretty short from time to time. For those who cannot---> SUCKS TO BE YOU! (sorry)

What is the most meaningful compliment you have received?

I really appreciate when someone notices my character. If someone notices that I am responsible, hard working, or helpful, I love it. Recently, I have been told how well I handled leaving TWDSO. This means the most to me, because 5-6 years ago, I couldn't leave someone who hurt me on a daily basis. I had no self worth. For people to say I am strong, for doing what I did, makes me feel good, because I feel that myself, and that others notice it makes it that much better!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Tonight, I get to have a normal persons life!....

If you call going to the hospital 'normal', but you catch my drift!!

WG called me. He got me out of work tonight. Who the heck doesn't like that? So I can go see my brother in the hospital! It was slow a couple nights last week, and they let volunteers go home.

He just called me, and said he told our supervisor about my brother and she said to not come in!! Is he not a keeper? Sweet!
So, now I don't have to try to rush to the hospital after work at 9:30, I can go, visit, get his keys, visit his cats, go home, rest, and hopefully see WG! ALL DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS!

Bubba still has to go and she is pretty pissed. She was mean to me, and I think I might cry. (not really I'm dramatic) I have a sick family member plus, she got off 2 days last week. Not my fault! Bubba, one day when I'm dead and gone you will feel bad for hurting my feelings! WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! LOL!

Our computer system, that they have been upgrading for months upon months (ie: paying consultants out the wazoo, a whole room of them) and it has been pushed back several times as to when we would start using it. Today, they said on our PA system...it was corrupt. Not something you want to hear! Luckily, we in marketing are sheilded from the system. I use it on a minimal basis, mostly looking up customer addresses! Sucks to be the rest of the fools here, that's for sure! I fear change!

HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA........! I'm out. It's daylight! Did I say that already? I am going to run outside and scream for my freedom!!!!!! 6 months folks................I've been working 2 jobs, 6 months, with perfect attendance!!!!! (called off 1 time at job 2) Actually, I have 4 consecutive years here at job #1. But I'm not bragging. (yes I am!)

We are Family....

My brother, is back in the hospital. He is only 31! He broke his ankle back in February, and he had surgery and bars put in it.
He was back in the hospital in April, when I first moved because he developed a blood clot in his leg. He was in the hospital almost 3 weeks over it. He has to take blood thinners forever probably, there was still a clot in his leg after they went in to remove it. He also had to wear this sock thing on it. He called last night to let me know he is back again. This time, it is in between his shoulder, and collar bone. On the left side. Near his heart.
I am going to see him today on my lunch break, and get his stuff to feed his cats. Hopefully I dont have to bring them over again. I have 4 cats. He has 2. His aren't fixed. They pee and poo a lot and have fleas. But, their my neice and nephew so I don't mind.
Of course, my momma is going out of her mind, but I don't know anything else. I can't make them tell me what is going on. He is pretty sure they have to go in to remove the clot again like the last time.

I feel so bad for him because I am his only family here. And, I work 2 jobs. It is nice that he is only a few blocks from work, but I still have to work, so I can't visit that often. It is hard to find time to do anything working 2 jobs. You end up staying up til 4am like I did last night!
When he first broke it I was living with TWDSO. That was actually the last fight we had, or lets say, the last time he stopped talking to me, was over this.

It was superbowl Sunday. I had plans to go to Tayray's with TWDSO. My brother was staying with us for a while so he could get around better. I had to take him home that day, and he wanted to go to the bowling alley where he spends a lot of time, they were having a party. I asked TWDSO...

Me: "Do you want to go to the bowling alley tonight instead, there is a party?"
TWDSO: "I thought we had plans?"
Me: "Things change, Bro got hurt! I have to take him home first"
TWDSO: "I really don't care what we do"
Me: "fine"

I left, and when I got to my brothers, I helped him clean so he could get around on crutches. He is not the neatest person in the world. So I didn't get home for a couple of hours. Yes, we had plans, but, my brother didn't plan to get hurt. TWDSO tried to make me feel bad for taking care of my brother!!!! He has only child syndrome. He would always say it was my world, and he lived in it, but I think it was the other way around, I rarely got my way! Not that I think I'm entitled to it, but don't say I do when I don't!

When I got home, I asked did he want to leave to go to Tayrays. This fell on deaf ears. His M.O. was to ignore me when he was mad. Fine if you don't like to fight (his excuse) cus neither did I. But, you can effectivly open your mouth and say " I don't want to talk right now" or "I am mad but I don't want to discuss it yet" anything! Actually, I believe it was more like, he was pissed, because I work 2 jobs. He would get mad if I had to clean on the wknds. Because, I had to clean up after all my pets, and the big fucking baffoon that was TWDSO. I hate cleaning up after people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Huge pet peeve! I don't mind cleaning up after myself. I made the mess. I don't mind having my own messes around, cus guess who picks them up? ME! But having piles of trash all around, is unnecessary! So, anyways, not only did I work 2 jobs, and do the yard work (minus mowing) I had to keep the house clean too. He would say "I didnt ask you to move in to be my maid" But yet, would refuse to do things if a room was dirty. God forbid he lift a finger to help. I don't miss him at all in any way shape or form!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe I work 2 jobs because I needed money. I was in cash advance for years, and he would """help"""" me by allowing me not to pay """"rent"""" out of a pay. Well, he didn't let me go without paying, I just got to put it off til next pay. So, I was always behind no matter what!! So, He was being a child because I work all week, have no time for myself, my friends, him, or my pets, and I had to take care of my hurt brother. I am the biggest bitch alive am I not???? ASS!
This went on thru valentines day. We had plans to go to dinner with friends of his, and we never went. The day we were going, he came home from work and I was getting ready and he said "oh, I forgot to tell you we aren't going" okkkkkkk. thanks! The rest is history. We talked for a couple weeks, then I asked where it was going. So, any ways!!!

This goes to show, that when things go along happening the right way, something comes along to screw it up! I was getting to be too happy with things lately.

Keep my brother in your thoughts, he is all I have here as far as family goes!!!!

And, in closing, I would like to say that the force was with me last night....and the force was goooooood. Very good.

I was up til 4am. (well maybe 3:45 or so) I had company! WG brought me coffee this morning! He is so thoughtful!! I love it! He also wrote me a sweet poem, that I read in the bathtub. I don't know what signifigance that has, other than that I carried it with me from room to room and ended in the bath tub. Pst, WG your cure worked BTW!

I am off to bask in what little glory I am able to have today.
Translation: I am going to pack up and lug about 15 boxes of literature for another trade show and it has to be ready to be on a truck in 40 min!! I am so glamorous!!!! I so picked the perfect day to wear a skirt!

Today's Questions:

What do you feel Most guilty for in life?

I really do feel bad about some of the people I picked on in high school. I was mean and hateful!

What is your biggest self doubt?

My ability to make the right decisions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the worst trouble you have gotten yourself into?

Lying. I am a terrible liar, so anytime I would try to lie, I got caught. I would forget what I said or to whom I said it, and how. So, I did get caught cheating (I was being cheated on and he was an abusive fucker so spare the drama) because I couldn't lie when he flat out asked me. shit happens!

Monday, July 11, 2005

I'm Baaaaaack! ...

Well, although I did miss writing, I still wrote a ton in my journals over the past few days. I really love to get my thoughts out that way. It helps. And I had a lot going on up there!

I spent 45 minutes trying to talk a coworker through updating our website via cell phone from Columbus. Turned out, that its royally screwed up, and says page cannot be displayed. I don't have a back up person. And, it isnt my problem! That is what I am trying to fix today. It should be easy. It isn't something you can walk someone through over the phone very well! It shouldn't be too hard to fix! But, connecting to our FTP site, is the problem!

The trip was fun. I was only there for the actual trade show for 1 day. The others were set up. My feet, are still pounding! My arms, back, neck, hands, toes hurt!! Next time you attend a trade show, even the smallest booth, took those people at least 1 day to set up! You just dont realize all the work that goes into it for people to walk by and say hm, plants. nice. Whatchu got for free? (which, was nothing for us BTW...cheap!)

My room kicked ass, one of the very few places you are able to smoke in Columbus. Funny, how they tax the shit out of us, make us pay for arenas, and concert halls, then ban us from smoking there! How about taxing the drunks since you can still legally annoy people while drinking alchohol....but not smoking! Go ahead and get shitfaced and grope women, and make an ass of yourself...Oh, heaven forbid someone smell your smoke, but go ahead and get sloshed and drive home and kill somebody!!

But, my point was, I could smoke there. It was my haven from the heat and smokeless world!! I got a big king bed at the Hyatt, and 4 pillows! A feather bed, down comforters, and cable TV. I turned my a/c down to 55, so I was COLD cus I LOVE IT! My room, My rules!

I missed my Bubba....I think she missed me too, she said she did! lol. We still talked a bit on the phone, but it's just not the same. *sigh* We were reunited yesterday too. We spend so much time together, it's funny.

I had some good times, lots of laughs, not so much drinking, but there was drinking. Mostly, I missed WG. I know, coming from me, this sounds so pathetic!!!!!

Talking to people who I havn't already bored to tears with my talk of WG these 4 days, gave me new perspective. Everyone has noticed how I go on and on about him. I can say that yes, in the past when I first met someone, I would be excited, and miss them, and talk all about them. I know all things start out great. (this is what scares me most....CHANGE!)

Mostly, in the past the way I acted, with men, was mostly reaction to how they were acting towards me. If they were being affectionate, I reciprocated. It was rarely because it was an extension of how I was feeling at the time. I can say that now it is. WG keeps telling me that while I don't want to label what we have, that we are in fact in a relationship. Which, we are. I said I was spoken for this wknd.

The "L" word has slipped out. And, it was caught, before the whole word came out..., and the second time was in reference to the future, so it wasn't a big deal. I agree that not saying it doesn't mean it isn't there. I know I feel something that makes me sick when we are apart, and it isn't a jealous sick, like I think something will happen. Although, I do still think he or I will die in a tragic accident. Because I have never been able to have everything I wanted. I am sure I still won't. I am trying not to pursue happiness...I am trying to just let it happen!
I have a tendancy to run for the hills. My feet aren't moving though..oddly.

Sad, that I think being treated badly is normal. There are so many girls out there stuck in that same spot, and I wish I could give them hope. You really don't know how great life can be when someone is holding you down. Because they feel bad about themselves, they don't want you to be happy either. It's sick! But, that's life!

It took forever for me to get home yesterday I just wanted to see WG and not let go of him. I don't want to say I felt complete, because thats been overdone, and I am already a complete person on my own! That took therapy! lol!

I will write more about that in time. Right now, things are good!

My pets missed me. How cute it was, that Little hill whimpered when I was kissing WG. And he said that he understood they missed me too. TWDSO would've been pissed if I so much as said hello to my pets first. But then again, WG met me at work so we didn't have that problem =) Loves it!

Tayray took good care of my pets in my absence. Everyone was present and accounted for, and well fed and watered! Bubba came over to dry laundry cus her dryer is broken. She said she was at Tayrays and came to get her clothes and Hill was in her clothes.. How cute!! She was comfy cozey and lonley!!!!

I developed a 'tumor' on the trip. I think something bit me. I had a huge lump on my eyebrow. It was in a good spot so you couldnt really see it, on my brow bone, and my bangs could cover it. It started on Wed. and on Fri, it was bad! My right eye swelled shut twice in the morning and crap oozed out the corner of my eye overnight. My eye hurt constantly even if I didn't touch it. Pounding pressure! Hard as a rock. It was as big as a dime at one point!I have no clue what it was. I iced it and put hot compresses on it! And the swelling went down after being up about 1/2 hr. Today it is finally smaller and not nearly as painful, and no swelling this morning!

I learned a new word which is cattywampus. I am unsure of the spelling, but 2 people I work with actually used this word separately. I told them each the other said it, and the rest is history. It means askew. I think! That's cattywampus. Er, something!

We had great food. I am not a big meat eater. I eat meat usually once or twice in a week, if at all. I just don't crave it. Then, I only like chicken or turkey. Tuna sometimes. Once in a while hamburger but thats the extent of it. I had meat every meal, very unlike me. I ate enough of it to last me for 2 months! Bleh. We went to this really neat italian restaurant, I think there was around 12 of us. They ordered a meat plate. It had pork chops, some steak or something, and sausages. 2 big, fat sausages. people actually cut it up and ate the meat. It was all weird things, and by weird I mean things most people would love and consider a delacasy. Calamari? blah! Salmon? blah! Caesar salad? Ummmm, do you have iceberg lettuce? thankssssss!!
Everything was weird, I am easy to please. I like a chicken breast, and some broccoli, thats good! Even the pizza was weird there! But, the atmosphere made up for it.

And the wine was excellent!!! I don't normally like chardonnay either, I guess I just didn't have a good one! I'm a blush, or white zinfendel girl. There is a winery here, that makes the best desert wine, which I can down a bottle of in no time!!! It is the best! It's called Vignoles, from Wolf Creek Winery. MMMMM! We use to go to the winery a lot after work. Now that we work 2 jobs we dont have much time. You drink a bottle of wine and don't know it and go pee and get sick! lol!

Anyone who has had one, knows that nothing is like a wine hangover! NOTHING! I made it almost home, and TWDSO said to hold my puke, but I let it out all over the side of the car. At least I made it out the window! Long story short, I let the dog out in my drunken stupor, and when i opened the door to let her out, i went out too. I woke up outside on the sidewalk, I had fallen down 2 steps. TWDSO woke me up and got me inside. I woke up w/a tshirt on, no idea how my clothes got off. My head pounding, band aids all over my knees and elbow. And I lost an earring! I stayed in bed the entire day and threw up. I never stopped. Id drink, Id throw up. Id drink, Id throw up. Id wake up, throw up. Pee, throw up! Horrid! At least TWDSO took care of me in my drunken state. I wouldnt be suprised if he took advantage of me too! Asshole!

All I can say, is luckily I was hauling, and moving, and working, because I have a contest to win, and I ate more than I normally do in a week!!!! Bleh! I just feel crappy! I need to get back on track! I barely had time to work out working 2 jobs and having 6 pets! Now, I have a man in my life too! Not that I'm complaining!

Those jerks at my second job, got Thurs. and Fri. off cus it isn't busy, they could take it off!
Ummmmm, I used my hard earned comp time to go away for my job!!!! Booty!
I do however, get 2 days off for going, which I am happily taking week after next!
I'm going to see Staind, 3 Doors Down, and Breaking Benjamin, with Bubba and Milk that week.

I LOOOOOOOOVE Staind! Gimme some Aaron Lewis any day of the week, I wouldn't complain!
Their music helped me out of my slump. I went from Country to alternative as top choice! Some people, think that kind of music is dark, and hateful. But if you can appreciate music, you can appreciate the lyrics to any songs, and realize that singing about things you understand makes you feel you aren't alone. It doesnt make you kill people! Or hate! It's more like an outlet for those feelings. That is today's lesson!!! So, they mean a lot to me!!! I especially love


You take away
I feel the same
You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me
you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again
Cause you can’t feel my anger
You can’t feel my pain
You can’t feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can’t fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can’t take away
Make me whole again
I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can’t deal with shit anymore
I just look away
Cause you can’t feel my anger
You can’t feel my pain
You can’t feel my torment
Driving me insane

And..."For You"

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you’ve said
The silence gets us nowhere,
Gets up nowhere way too fast.
The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don’t know how to listen
And let me make my decision
All your insults and your curses
Make me feel like I’m not a person.
And I feel like I am nothing.
But you made me so do something.
Cause I’m fucked up because you are
I need attention, attention you couldn’t give.

Rock on! I can't wait to go! I have more to say as always, but I have to save more for later!

Today's Question: (for all!)
(btw I think my FAMILY (over there) should be required to answer these. More for your book momma! More for your book!)

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in a relationship?

Good lord, how do you pick one when your life is riddled with bad relationships? LOL! I guess I would say looking back, staying in situations that were bad for me, because I felt like no one else would want me. I bought into the BS they told me. But, I can also appreciate the person I am today, which I wouldn't be, w/o having walked in those shoes for a while.

What makes you most content?

Time to myself always lets me get in touch with where I am in my life, where I am going, and where I have been. I need that time, to function like most people do normally. ME TIME!