My Compassionate Heart....

Tuesday, on my normal route to work thru the city, I came upon some slowed traffic. The closer I got, I saw what at first appeared to be smoke billowing around an SUV, I thought someone's radiator must've blown. When I crept closer, I saw it was not smoke.

It was fur.

Someone struck a deer. Not the norm on the city streets at all. I only saw the horrible image for about 2.2 seconds, as the doe struggled to get up, only to fall again, frantically trying to find safety, but obviously not going to live.

I immediately shielded my line of vision with my hand, so I could pass by, and just as instantly, out of nowhere...I started to sob. I have never seen a hurt animal in the flesh, intentional or otherwise. Especially now living in the city.

And I couldn't stop crying. My heart ached for that deer.When I got to my desk. I kept sobbing.

When the girls came to talk to me and saw I was upset, I felt a bit stupid saying I was fine, and telling them what had happened. But I can't apologize for being me. I was really shaken.

Yes, it was "just a deer". One of millions that are hit by cars, or shot by hunters on a daily basis. But to me, it was much more than that, it was a wounded soul. I thought about it all night. When I went to sleep, I prayed to the universe for peace from the image of the deer, so that I could put it to rest.

Then, this morning I woke up early to let out the dog. And I saw the most beautiful sight!

Look who chose my backyard to take a rest in! A beautiful deer!

I believe in the universe, and karma, and how everything happens for a reason. I knew deep down, that this wasn't random. It was an answer to my prayer. This deer was there to make my heart feel better.

I left home feeling a sense of peace, and rightness in the world!

And I had the best day! 

Obligatory Half Marathon Recap...

I did it! I ran a half marathon! Not very fast, but I did it!! It was super hot, the heat index hit 100, and there was very little shade. I'm suprised I didn't die.

Allllll these names on the wall also did it with me. It was a record number of participants, over 20,000 people.

I didn't sleep the night before. Unless you count the hours from 11-2am. I layed in bed until about 4 am and decided to get up, and eat my whole wheat skinny bread, and too-ripe-for-me banana, and get in some extra hydration. It was going to be a scorcher. 85 degrees and sunny. I don't run outdoors in the heat. I was scared.

Who knew there were pretty views in cleveland? This was on a steep hill when we were going s-l-o-w!

Upon arrival at the race site...the toilet situation left much to be desired.  The wait was so long, we finally had to squat behind a not-so-private pine tree at the start line! It's a good thing we have no shame! When you gotta go, you gotta go!

I did not run this alone, I ran with one of my oldest friends, and only running partner, who has run plenty of halfs, but agreed to stick with me thru the race so I could get my first one under my belt. She was a good coach along the way! Telling me when to drink, and making me take inventory of how I felt, and asking if I needed to slow down.

Mile 1-3, I kept telling my girlfriend..."we're doing this!!!!!!" I was so excited!!

The first 8 miles was pretty easy. FLEW by! It was hot and miserable, but my body felt good. The sun was blazing, and it was kind of miserable.

After passing the 8 mile marker, my bff told me we only had 1 hand's worth of miles to go. (5) and that made me smile. "I run that every day" I said.
Some time along the course, we had about a half mile of street that was slanted, and that threw off my gaite, and started to make my foot hurt. But I soldiered on!

Mile 9 I was so excited to see the APL there with the doggies! It was downhill, but what goes down, must come up. By this point, my ass muscles hurt so bad we walked up the hill and stopped mid way to stretch. This is about when everyone started to walk the hill.
I started to feel pretty awful about this time.

At first, I was not a fan of getting wet to stay cool. But there were so many supportive people along the way with hoses, buckets and pitchers of water to throw on you if you wanted, and kids with squirt guns who probably had the time of their lives dousing us with water. The water stations hooked up to the hydrants and had those going for you to run through too. I did partake in the water after a while. It gave you that childlike spurt of energy, "weeeeeeeeee"!!!

Mile 10, everything hurt. My feet, my ankles, my shoulders, my butt, my calves. This is about the time some of the spectators were blaring "eye of the tiger" so we tried out our best "boxer moves" and laughed thru the pain for a bit.

Ohio City bridge was hard. All I kept hearing was after this bridge we are home free. But the bridge was long, and hot, and mostly uphill, with no crowd support. It was brutal! I had to walk the whole thing. This threw off our time, but my ultimate goal was to finish, uninjured, so I had to. The good thing about walking is meeting people on the course!

Only 3 more miles. I think I was dilerious. But being goofy was all I had. I kept repeating....only three more miles!! Even after the 11 mile marker, and my bff told me "NO! ONLY TWO MORE!!" Yessss!!! "Anyone can run 2 miles!!"


Being so close, yet so far was the hardest thing to deal with. It hurt so bad to run, but hurt even more to walk, and by that point I was singing Dories song "just keep swimming". Every step hurt. I think I said "fuck" with every strike of my foot, or "sweet jesus" I don't remember. Honestly, if it weren't for my girlfriend, I'd have walked the entire last 3 miles. I had never been in that much pain. She's a good friend, and she kept my eye on the prize!

Some time past mile 12, almost to the finish, I had a wave of emotion when I heard the finish line crowd cheering from a distance. I held back tears. Then we saw my girlfriends running team on the sideline, cheering us the loudest we had heard the whole time. It was awesome!

"We're almost there, just around the corner, we only have a little bit to go, you got this, you can do it, look at that guy he's running the full marathon barefoot, if he can do that we can finish this!!". All words from my friend that kept my feet moving. 

We decided when we started that we would cross the finish holding hands.

We rounded the last curve, my girlfriend said "there it is, the finish line, let's do this!" So I mustered up the last tenth of an ounce of energy I had and pushed forward. We grabbed hands, and crossed that finish the same way we started....together!

I immediately started to dry heave from my last bit of over-exertion but not until after collecting my prized medal!

Yea, the guitar spins, it's pretty awesome!! 

 

We finished at 2:55, at a 13:25 minute mile pace. I wanted to just finish, but secretly, I wanted to finish under 3 hours. Walking some parts threw off our normal 10m pace, but I'll take it. I still met a goal!  Plus, I've never even run 13 miles!

I had to sit in the shade and not move right after. My feet were pissed at me. There was no way I could walk another step. My friend left to find her husband, and I hydrated, and ate pretzels. And played with my spinny guitar medal. And smiled, because I was able to finish the half!

 Isn't Brown's Stadium pretty? I don't love foosball, and I'll never be here again but we got to use their toilets so I took a picture. 

I don't get out much, so I took this "rainman" picture from the ride home of our brand new, and first Cleveland casino!  

And..there she is. My beautiful pink 13.1 magnet proudly displayed on the fusion! I love it!

 

 

Progress...or...Not..

I run my first half marathon in 12 days. I havn't gotten more than 8 miles consecutive, even though this week I was to hit a 12, according to my training schedule.

Yesterday I was going to do my 12, and ran with a group my friend belongs to for their 6 mile goal, and at the end of the scheduled 6 miles I had to quit. As usual, when I run up a hill, I get nauseus. We did the entire 6 miles at an almost 12 minute mile (slow for me) in anticipation of doing a full 12, but I still had to stop.

I have tried to get the food and drink down for the last 8 weeks, but it doesn't matter when I eat, what I eat, how much I do or don't drink, if I hit a hill, I'm down for the count.My bff (that has done like 4 halfs, and is set to do a 50k this fall....)assures me, that she stick with me for the half, since my goal is just to finish without injury!

I don't like sports drinks, or anything gummy, or gel-y and this seems a hinderance to my stamina according to fellow runners. The coach on the run said that I need salt, and carbs to sustain my body for long runs.

Well, hello, salt and carbs are a girl that is on a weight loss diet's enemy.

For the next 12 days I am opening myself up to salt and carbs, for my own benefit. I'll get back on to weight loss after I kick that 13.1 miles' ass!

I got really down on myself after the 6 miles, because on a regular day, I run 4 miles at a 10mm pace, then before my hour of strength training, or kickboxing I jog slow (about 12mm for 30 minutes, and then I take a class. 5-6 days a week. I feel pretty bad-ass doing all of this stuff, until I can't run distances.

So, in honor of progress, I had to revisit how far I have come fitness-wise. Not knock myself for not being a top performer, and try to remember that this old girl, could not have even WALKED a mile, let alone, run for 13.1.

 Before, before...welllllll over 200lbs!!! (oh yes!)

After losing 45, and then after another 65, in the comfortable 100's.

So, yes, these pictures hang on my refrigerator, and inspire me in terms of how far I have come on my journey to being healthy, and to keep working out, and eating right, but I need inspiration to go the distance for this half!! I have almost hit my weight loss goal, now I want to hit a personal fitness goal!

So I have been googling tips, and tricks, and things to do for your first half, like crazy!

What are your best suggestions? 

Livin High On the Hog...

Hi new sofa, you are beyoootiful!!

Happiness is...buying your very first brand new pieces of furniture. Something no one else has sat their ass on, or now I lay me down to sleep'd in!

I put more thought into the purchase of my furniture, than I ever did any of the cars I have owned! I took this very seriously! I researched brands, stores, fabrics (having pets, makes this very important!)

I've sat on many couches, and lay on many beds. And when I found "the one" I bought all available warranties, and even asked questions about what the warranties cover, to the "T".

Gone will be the days of my sleeping on the couch, and welcome are the nights of enjoying my beautifully brand-new, sealy posturpedic plush bed!

Just like my sister said, I would regret not getting the matching overstuffed chair and ottoman. But to do this, I'd have to buy a flatscreen TV, and new TV stand, and get rid of my entertainment center to make room. Hmmm...

The rest of my bonus is going to be spent on new bedding for my gorgeous bed, and an air purifier, and starting a savings account. (for a trip to see my sister in VA Beach, and yet another vacay Key West!!)

This weekend, I am going to be sleeping on a cloud, and lounging on a couch that doesn't sink to the side when I sit in it. Or have rips in the cushions or arm. I'm even embaressed to take my old couch to the curb it is so awful, and have lined up curb service with a friends husband under the guise of nightfall!

I kinda like this independent grown up thing I have going on. I'm so tired of waiting for someone else to get me where I want to be.

And getting there on my own, is even better!

Feeling Bad-Ass...

This week has been crap for running, I ran twice, instead of every day. And, I am a horrible stress eater, and works been hella stressful. It's amazing what eating shit can do for your ass in a pair of jeans in a matter of days. I feel it growing!!

I couldn't face another second at work, even in the gym. So, instead of the old me way of thinking and ignoring it, I ventured out for an outdoor week day run since the weather has been great, and it doesn't get dark now til after 6pm!! YES! (BTW...February in Ohio...in a tshirt and long pants!! I love it!!!)

About 2 miles in, it started to rain. And, instead of the usual 4 miles, I did 6. I didn't turn around at the 2 mile mark, I turned around at 3!

Instead of over an hour for 6 miles, I did it in 50 minutes.

That's just the sort of thing one needs, to get their mojo back. And remind yourself...I still got it!!

The body is an amazing thing, when you master the mind that tells you, "you can't" and you push past your comfort level....its all sorts of inspiring!

New Year...

It's a whole brand new year! I spent my New Years Eve far different than any other in the past.

Which was fitting, because I ended the year as a whole new me. Certainly physically, but also, mentally.

I went for a run. And, as usual, took in the beautiful scenery, appreciated my time to process my thoughts, and smiled at the deer eating on the trails. Finding the beauty in nature is something that calms me and brings me back to my center, each time. My meditation..



My menu was rotisserie chicken, a few saurkraut balls, and dawali. Washed down with pink moscato champagne. (which I hope to find throughout the year, as it is quite delicious) Far different from New Years past, where I ate whatever was available, because...it was.




I rang in the new year with my pets. I thought not having plans and being "the only single girl in the crowd" would be depressing. But that was the old me. I am my own best company. I really enjoyed cooking for myself, having my favorite drinks, watching my redbox movies, (omg, Warrior was a suprisingly touching movie!!) and not having to worry about driving. (Plus I had an 8 am appt with the internet guy to fix my DSL on NY day....)

I rang in my new year kissing my best man ever, my Mr. Magoodle.

I don't like to make "resolutions" but, I do vow to continue on my path of self improvement. Both mental, and physical. I set goals for myself every day and I often surpass them. It's way more fulfilling to me this way.

I may have suffered "the great heart break" in 2011, but as I often say, I learned so much from it, and I have set my bar high. I know how I want to feel when I am with someone again, and if not for experiencing all I did with exmanfriend, I wouldn't know it was possible to be so happy.

This girl, knows she is a prize, and she is done with settling.

"Doing Me" has turned out to be the best decision I have made this past year. Being "alone" isn't really alone when you love yourself. You find your own interests, and things you enjoy doing by yourself. The icing on the cake is having amazing friends and family to fill in the holes you sometimes need to jump over.

When I meet the future Mr. Me, he is going to be extra in love with me for getting all my little shit together, to combine with getting my big shit together. I'm not in a rush, because I have actually found my self worth in 2011. And that makes for setting your standards...way high for a partner.

I hope 2012 brings you all that you dream of. Because, everyone, deserves their dreams to be reality.

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

The first step is admitting you are powerless...

I feel fabulous, and I can't say that I'm not excited to be a mere 18lbs from my goal weight! (say what???)

But along with weight loss, come some things you don't think about when you are busy wishing yourself thin.

Like, how being addicted to junk food is like a drug. And, you really do have to take it one day at a time. I prefer, hour by hour. While over time, it does get easier, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about eating an entire cake until I puke. Or a box of cheeze-its. Maybe just one burrito won't be so bad?

More than making the right choices with meals, and sticking to 3-a-day work outs, not giving into cravings is also really hard work. I personally thought when you get to be thin, all your troubles just melt away along with your fat.

I'm a smart girl but that's totally retarded!

It's a 24 hours a day, 365 days a year life change, that I have to wake up each day and make the choice to live with.

Like most addicts, my drug of choice has to be avoided. Like a crackhead, I can't eat a little bit of junk food and think I'll be ok. Because, a little bit is never enough. Like an alchoholic, I can't have just one drink.

One phrase my instructor told us on day one that is my mantra is "you don't want to work out just to eat, losing weight is 50% diet and 50% exercise."

I did this for years. I worked out 6 days a week, and ate pretty much what I wanted. I lost a quick 45lbs that way years ago but for so long, I was stuck in a rut. Confused as to how I was not dropping more weight as much as I exercised. I ate healthier food, but still had indulgences, and over-ate on the good stuff too.

One day I want to conquer this, and be one of those people that can share a dessert and not wish I'd had the whole thing. Or have a couple pieces of pizza and not fight the urge to eat the entire pie by myself.

Ending on a positive note, while I wake up every day and have to talk myself out of having a breakfast bagel, the reward is my inner peace. I love my alone time running a trail, I listen to my favorite music, think about the past, present, and future, and reflect on choices I've made. All while enjoying the greatest gift we have in this universe....nature!

I'm happy to be alive. I'm thankful for the ability to challenge myself, and accomplish things I never thought I would. I love having cheek bones without make up, biceps, and the ability to hold a pencil under my butt cheeks. (I saw this on an infomercial, as a sign of firm buttocks, and when I tried it, I squealed out loud at 3am!)

Taking this past 6 months to MYSELF to be single, and work on ME has turned out to be the best decision I've ever made.

I've taken this time to change, and work on myself on the inside, and yes.....more noticeably, OUTSIDE!

Boy, the future Mr. Me is going to be one lucky sonofogun! I can't wait to meet him, and wow him with my awesome-ness!

Things That Make Ya Go...YAAAY!

It's Friday. Week 14. I lost 4lbs this week, which means I met my second goal of 50lbs! My total body fat loss is 14%! (so, in the past 4 years, I've lost 106lbs!!!)

How do I feel? Well, considering I am 21lbs from my personal goal, and a mere 26 from what Dr.'s think is my ideal goal....I'd have to say I feel pretty flipping amazing!

And tired, and well...my feet hurt!

I was walking into work this week, and passed by a girl in my department that I see probably on a weekly basis. I said "Hi coworker!" as she passed me ...and she ignored me, walked a few steps and turned around and said, "I totally didn't even know that was you, can we talk about your figure? You look amazing".

A couple of the VP's at work have taken to calling me "slim". Use that in a sentence.."hey slim, how's it going?" Are you talking to ME? Oh, yes, I guess you are!

Does this sort of thing get old? Well if it did I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it.

More than how it feels to wear cute clothes, and be comfortable hanging out at home naked (which is my uno #1 favorite thing about spinsterhood by the way) Accomplishing something I have failed at for so long is really what feels the most amazing.

I'm doing this. No one is making me work out. No one is punishing me for having a reese cup (or 5, so what?) or telling me that the world will come to a halt if I absolutely have to miss a work out. It's all me. What I do or don't do shows on the scale, I'm the one responsible for it.

And now, when people say they wish they had my dedication, I have started saying "instead of wasting all my energy on assholes, I'm spending it on me". I don't have anything everyone else doesn't have. I just actually stuck to something and put myself first.

Ummm...Did I mention I lost 50 lbs in a little over 3 months? I did? Well, anyhow, I want to rent a billboard, and inspire the world!

I also want to dance to shake it for me cowgirl, by Luke Bryan, which I'm a bit ashamed to say that I like, but it takes me back to my early 20's, when a friday night was alabama slammers, and bud ice's, and lots of boot stomping at the boot scoot salloon with my girlfriends! I love it!

Now, bring on the celebratory Moscato!!!

Breaking the shell...

I'm shy. Which seems to come as a suprise to people who know me, because, duh they know me. But I have such a time talking to people I don't know, and if you are a cute boy? Fugetabout it!

I was at the dog park last weekend (where I'm 99% sure I'm going to meet my next husband, if I don't in fact, marry the security guy at work that I have the hots for) and it was like 100 degrees and there was 3 people there.

One was, a cute boy, and his cute dog, Charlie. Cute boy was like me, - following the dog around with his camera phone, and taking pictures of it. Anyone who does this in public, is destined to be mine. So I channeled my inner "mom" (my mom would talk the ear off of an ant if it sat still long enough to listen) and smiled at the boy. This was the day after buying new small clothes, and I decided to fix my hair before going to the park, so I felt pretty good about myself.

And, we began to talk. Until it was just the two of us at the park! (the other person left....) We got our dogs at the same rescue, both had previously had dogs from a pet store who lived lives of sickness. I thought, OMG we are totally getting married. I felt like I was witty when he was searching for his dogs poop to scoop, and he said all he could find was old poop, and I said "picking up old poop is good karma".... I bet later that night, he went over that line in his head when he thought about me.

I thought I handled the fact that his dog kept sticking his nose up my ass crack pretty well too, I mean, why don't you try being charming with a big dog nose in your junk! He told me he comes every weekend, and I said I do too, so I'm pretty sure his dog will sniff me out again!

I also went on a date this week. It was OK. I'm not in love or anything, and I got a free meal and drinks out of it. To me, this is all practice for when I finally grow a pair and tell hot security guy that I think he's the bees knees, and we live happily ever after.

I'm so horribly shy, so the more I talk to strangers, and force myself to go on dates, the better off the future "Mr. Me" will be when we meet!

Mr. Magoo, bringing people together since 2011.

P.S. don't look at his tinkler, he can't help it!

Things to do before...

Firstly, my official weigh in tonight is minus 5lbs. On the week I had three cookies, a small piece of your second cousins bday cake, a jo jo, potato salad, and cheesy potatoes at the family picnic! I of course, did 3 workouts a day to make up for it, I am kicking. ASS!

37lbs in 10 weeks. I'm creeping up on 40. Someone said they wanted my thighs at workout. MY thighs!!!

The best revenge is success. Even if you don't believe in revenge, the best thing to do is be your best self, because the person who benefits from it, is you. And the only person you hurt by having ill will, or hurtful feelings about someone, is you. And given a choice, why the hell would you want to hurt yourself?



Things I'm doing to make myself feel successful!

• Get skinny, because it feels amazing!


• Eat healthy without cheating at least one month, because until you do, you really don't understand the phrase "you are what you eat" I cheated this past weekend, and had to fight like hell to do workouts for three days, it made me feel like shit!
  


• Work hard, and get a super freaking raise, and secretly snicker because you never went to school and make more than most people you know who did.


• Have a crush. Even if nothing comes of it, it sure is fun to giggle and get excited when you see the person, and be shy and get butterflies! And be reminded that there is life after the manfriend. Even if it still hurts a little.


• Set goals for yourself, like doing 10 push ups, and then beat that each and every day! Even if its just by one, or doing two sets of 10 in a day.
  


• Start your mortgage loan process on a super freaking amazing house and know, that if it is in the stars for you to have it, you will. And that you deserve it!!!!!!


• Think to yourself "some day I'm going to have two cars for that two car garage, furniture for all the rooms, and two rocking chairs on the front porch for me and the love of my life!" And simply know that you will!
• 
  
• Remember, that even though Oprah is off the air, her words live on. Find your lifes purpose! Mine is animals, and when I have my very own home, I will be joining the foster list of my favorite animal rescue, and nursing a dog at a time back from puppy mill/abuse situations, and making them awesome pets, and watching them find their furrever homes! This makes me warm and bubbly inside!
  
• Enjoy something every week! For me, its my Friday nights. Where I celebrate a week of ass kicking workouts, and an excellent weigh in! I get a bottle of wine, a redbox rental, and an Acme rotisserie chicken (I feel bad for those who don't have an Acme!) and share the dark meat with your loving and faithful companion....your dog!
• Be thankful every day. For waking up. For doing what you set out to do. For the friends you have, and your family that loves you. Put love out into the universe, and wait for it to come back to you!
  

And, post a picture of the house you want, because you believe in the power of the universe, and thinking things into reality! (when it's mine, I'll show you more! Trust, it's amazing!)

Hello future home de la moi! Please don't be haunted!

Like Forrest...

I have been working my ass off (literally!) trying to get in shape for my 5K. By shape I mean beating my best time.

Which seems silly because 3 miles is nothing really, when you do 4 every day. But the good thing about goals is I have been pushing myself from my 4.25 miles in 50 minutes, to 3 miles in 35 minutes. I want to get to 3 miles in 30 minutes, and then add hills, so my outside run can be around 30 minutes. Oh and not die.

I have a really slow start when I do 50 minutes. I walk at a 15 minute mile for about 10 minutes before I run.

Lame. So, I'm weaning myself off of that.

I'm pretty good on the nice even padded deck of a treadmill while watching the View. I suck at outside.

I've been working out twice a day and I can say that the only things that don't hurt on my body are my eyelashes, and my hair.

But you know what? I feel awesome!

Be Careful What You Wish For...

You know, I'm all about thinking yourself happy and visualizing the end result of what you want in life, and seeing the good, and blah blah, you know you wanna be me, blah blah.

Well, you know the universe works in strange ways. I have for a long time hated my fat arms and started and stopped working them out with weights, because its too hard and "I work out enough dammit!".

So, in order to make my dream a reality, (awesome arms ARE on my vision board) the universe made my power steering go out on my car.

Now, every day I have sore arms from trying to steer my way to and fro. (I said fro) And I imagine in just a few short weeks I'll have fabulous looking arms at this rate.

Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

The Lloyd Dobbler Effect...

So, I'm going along, minding my business. Getting use to the idea that I'll likely be alone until my cats eat my eyeballs out. *Or, the mice overtake my house. I still pine for exassholemanfriend, and it pretty much annoys me, because it's not getting me anywhere. Wishing him back wont make him come back. And why should I wish for someone who obviously doesn't want me?


*(Yes..I have mice again. I've caught two...me two, my four cats...ZERO! They are lucky that they are cute fluffernutters! At least they do that job right.)



And I get a message from exnewguy. Just friendly chit chat. Why? He was overly concerned that we were "OK" after the dumping. I was assuming, just because we have many friends in common. I told him sure, I know we'll run into each other again one day. It's not like we were IN LOVE or anything, so whatever. Yes it hurts and I don't look forward to one day seeing him w/someone else...



But don't boys understand that it's not easy to hear from you once you dump us? Like, don't rip out my heart, and send me a message all about regretting it. Because what does that do? It makes me hurt for what we had all over again. If you wanted to do the right thing, you would get your shit together, and stand outside my window blasting "in your eyes" by peter gabriel on your retro boom box just like Lloyd Dobbler. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen" That sums it up.








Yes, that is definatly a signal, that you cannot mix. Especially since I live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm sure they'd love hearing it just as much as me. I think that like Cinderella ruined most girls, Say Anything ruined me.

Where is my prince charming with a boom box? Oh, I can believe it will happen one day. Because it gives me hope. Instead of a white horse, it'll be a beat up blue hoop-t!

Oh heck no. After friending Lloyd on FB...I was turned on to this video on youtube.

What's Normal...

I duno who gets to decide normal. But Oprah had a show all about it. Like it's normal to pick your nose 5 times a day, because so many people do it. Is normal what most people do? What if all those nose pickers are retarded? Are they still normal? I mean, who decides these things?

I think its us. We are our own survey of normal.

I'm trying to determine when I make the turn from...

"I'm just feeling my feelings"

to....

"maybe I'm pathetic"

Of course, this stems from a miriad of things. Much which I havn't blogged about, but I'm goin thru some giant crap other than man/relationship things, and spending a lot of time on my own as a result.

Alone gives you time to think. Unless you drink your thoughts away, but I think my liver says that's not normal, and the first three months of me and exassholemanfriend's break up is proof of that.

Things I've tried:

1. Crying. Lots.
2. Sobbing and crying. Lots.
3. Turning sadness into anger. Replacing I miss him, or I love him with I hate him, and he's dead to me.
4. Drinking wine.
5. Revenge ie; keeping things he left at my house that he asked for back but doesn't deserve.
6. Drinking vodka
7. Revenge ie; maybe someone took his grill from his house, that I know nothing about.
8. Drinking a 6 pack of beer as shots. which is awesome
9. Thinking he died
10. Imagining feeding him poop. I think of this alot. And really, its the only thought which brings me joy when it comes to him
11. Crying
12. Dating someone else
13. Drinking. Lots. Until I pass out. this works for a while but you get tired of hangovers, it costs a bundle, and eventually, you gotta be drunk all day to not think, and luckily I'm gainfully employed.
14. Ignoring that I have feelings
15. Positive thought...."I use to turn the right blinker on to turn right when exasshole manfriend was in the car" *sob* into..."someone else will appreciate the way I signal my intent to turn"
16. Giving up everything "we" did together. Besides sex. Because, I'm not stupid.
17. Revenge ie; wiping your butt with the boxers you gave back to him.

Honestly, I have no clue what else to do. I've never been in this predicament. I've had plenty to hate about my old boyfriends. Plenty to look forward to, because let's face it they were all losers.

But I guess if after 5 months I'm finally starting to question if my missing him is bordering on being a little obsessive, maybe it is.

Maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad.

And Just Like That...

I'm done with my new job. When they called me they said it was for a specific project my guess was, this was to let me know what the job payed. Mind you its been about two years since I worked there, and I didn't remember. I also didn't think to ask, because I'd always made between 10-19 an hour averaged out.

I spent my first night working, typing my fingers off, almost up to my full capacity of typing speed, and I made 9 bucks in 4 hours.

This is fabulous for someone else, but not for me after working 9 hours.

It's hardly worth my time.

So, I'm cashing in my stock savings plan at work next month. I'll also get an extra 80 a month in my check as my employee account will be paid off. (no more buying jewelery boo hoo) And my friends uncle will fix my car for cost.

Maybe the second job came along to remind me how lucky I am to not HAVE to work it, and to be more thankful, and SAVE money.

I got home from working two jobs, to the lady across the street who I call "duct tape lady" cus...she wears duct tape on her mouth, obviously, begging passers by for money or cigarettes.

I also had an offer from the new guy to massage my fingers for me. He can be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll keep him.

Singled Out..

I'm not the only single girl in the world. I know this. But at 34, it gets increasingly harder to be single. Not that I'm dying on my own, or I just cant function..but its different for different social circles.

All my friends are in relationships, or married, or have kids. Or, they all have some reason not to like one another, so getting everyone together is no longer possible either. I have to divy up my time with different groups of people. Which...sucks.

This leaves little girl time. I try to fill my time up with available friends whenever I can, but those times are few and far between.

My life consists mainly of work, working out, and cleaning up poop, pee, and pet hair. And rearranging my furniture and plants. I mean, I went through my self discovery time a few years back, and I'm happy with the result, so um. Now what? I'm always learning about myself, I meditate, I listen to self help books, so what am I suppose to do?

I don't see anything wrong with meeting people. I don't think my Mr. Right will come to my door and knock to get in. I have to get out, see and be seen, and when the right one comes along I'll know. I told the universe, no more frogs. I've had enough. I want my prince!

How I'm becoming my mother 45,678 I'm going to tell you that I started drinking fiber, which is my new attempt at appetite control, and its working swimmingly. It fills you up so you eat less.

Project? Lose the 30 lbs I've been trying to lose for years.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

You buy yourself a nice diamond ring from work.
You stare at it and smile, and think about how awesome it is that you treated yourself to a rock and how your ex manfriend is a major cocksmoker, who will never be happy because he wont allow himself to be.

You also get back out there on dating sites, and meet some like minded people, who actually know what its like to be happy, and have done the work it takes to love themselves, and put the past behind them.




It reminds you that there is more out there for you, and you are going to find it.




Isn't it amazing what diamonds can do?

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.