"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

You Might Have a Drinking Problem if...

The first thought in your mind after your third workout of the day is not going home and showering, and relaxing....but instead...."where did I buy wine this week?"

In an effort to not buy from the same place twice, and look like a wine-o-holic.

I think I need to take a week off.

I've also had a rotten work out week. I've been doing it, and challenging myself, but my heart isn't in it at all. What they say is true, the last little bit is a bitch!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hold On Loosley...

I neglected to update on last weeks weight loss, one because it was only 1lb, and two, I had a date Friday night!

The weight loss:

56lbs, 15lbs to goal! Now, I am faced with the dilemma of not being hungry. Which, I always thought would be a blessing, but working out 3 times a day means you have to feed your body, or it will hold on to weight. My body no longer tells me its hungry at snack times. Apparently, that doesn't matter. Even when my mind doesn't want to think about food, I still have to. Balls!

The date:

I had another fabulous date with TDH this weekend, that began with hanging with friends at a concert, and ended the next day with a late breakfast, including mimosas, and a great conversation! Minds out of the gutter people, I'm a respectable girl! Well, sort of!

The body:

I havn't been this small since I was 14, which also brings with it 14 year old boobs, after having been a double D for years and years. I don't miss them in the sense that they are no longer in the way of everything I do, I can buy adorable bra and panty sets, and super cute tops no longer evade me! I love the size they are now, but I do not love the location they have decided to reside in.

Not a pretty visual. Trust.

I consulted with a plastic surgeon, for advice, and to get an idea of what could be done to salvage what the years of fat have done to me.

The Advice:

A simple lift wont work for me because I have lost so much body fat, I will not be happy with the result. So despite my fear of having implants, it is probably where I will wind up being.

The scars are horrific, but will fade in a year or so. They look like frankenstein. They don't show you that on all those plastic surgery shows! They also don't show you the disgusting drains that hang out your boobs and collect "fluid" after your surgery. Yes, it's a real surgery. It's scary, and it is going to take a lot of thought on my part!

I always said I wanted to be pickled, so this is the first step in the right direction! But just like Bob in "What about Bob", I'm taking baby steps on this whole procedure. I'm terrified of the dentist, let alone having my boobs overhauled!!

Angry Skinny girl:

At work today, I was so jealous of a coworkers lunch of fettucini alfredo with extra cheese on top, breaded chicken strips, and light, and fluffy breaksticks, that I asked to look at her food. And then I actually let these words leave my lips

"mmmmm....mmm...well, enjoy your clogged arteries".

After taking a break, I apologized to her. I swear I need to get my food rage under control, it isn't her fault I can't eat that stuff. What the fuck is wrong with me? This is a regular occurance for me. I am always giving people unsolicited advice on what the crap they eat is doing to them. It's all out of jealousy too. I could really care less if people croak due to their arteries.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Right Stuff...

Wanna know how awesome my job that I can't speak about is? I mentioned how I wished I could see NKOTB today at work, and poof.....I got the upgrade passes to our company suite. I didn't get the tickets for free as they were all given out, but all I have to do is buy some nosebleed seats for 32 bucks, and use our suite passes, then I get to enjoy Donnie Wahlberg shakin, his groove thang a mere stones throw from my eyes in our lower level, stage left loge.

I love my life.

All my teenage girl hormones are on overload!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dating Etiquette...

My third date was a charm, and I had an absolutely amazing evening with a tall, dark, and handsome man that opened doors for me, made me laugh, saved me from falling into a hole in the parking lot, and whose kisses made my heart go pitter patter. Wait, maybe that wasn't my heart?!!

It's been many months since I have been excited about someone, and I'm trying not to let that whole thing your brain does when you first like someone, take over me. But it's hard. I mean, did I mention the kissing? Because I can't stop thinking about it.

We went to dinner, and then to see a band down the road, and ended the night at one of his friends' house (whom I know thru our mutual friends also..) with a fire, where every time we were alone we were kissing and laughing like teenagers. Ahhhh, to be young again! It was so much fun, and he is so easy to be with! We stayed up until 6 am and I think its going to take me a week to recover from it, but it was worth every wink of sleep missed.

And let's not forget that I had my heart ripped out pretty severely, and danced upon repeatedly by exassholemanfriend, only 6 months ago, and only recently stopped thinking about him every day, and started realizing what a total douchebag he is, and how lucky I am that I'm not with him anymore. So I'm not in any great hurry to be coupled up, even though ultimately, its what we both want.

For now, I'm enjoying the giddy feeling inside, and the smile that I can't seem to hide. And I don't owe anyone anything besides myself. And myself says, she doesn't want to date someone else because I personally think its skeevy.

And, we are meeting for lunch this week too. A lunch date. How fun is that? It's funny how things come together when you give yourself the time to get over your past, and work on yourself. I think I like how things are going in all aspects of my life.

So, now, what do I tell this other guy I have a date with next weekend, without being an asshole? I met someone?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Can You Take Classes on Being Smooth...?

Week 16. I got by with a 2lb loss this week, which is a squeaker. I blame it on wine, specifically Moscato....and the beautiful voice it has when it calls to me to drink it during the week.

Anyway, this brings me to an even 55lb loss!

I'm averaging 3.4lbs a week. Respectable. I do however, need to start sacrificing a couple of cardio workouts and putting in more weights and toning, to fix the damage that years of being fat has done to my body. Which doesn't help my self esteem. I look great in clothes, but I don't love me naked just yet.

I'm horribly shy when it comes to boys. I caught that cute security guard turning around to check me out again today after he passed me. How's the girlfriend working out for you? I think he liked my new jeans. If I was the least bit a regular girl, I'd have the balls to ask him that myself. In the great words of that crackhead Whitney Houston.....How will I ever know if he really loves me? I'd try to phone but I'm too shy --can't speak!

I'm paralyzed by his hotness.

This past weekend I hit up chipotle. (in an effort to be a healthy cheater, I skipped the rice, cheese, sour cream, and GUACAMOLE and added extra lettuce, and salsa to my chicken bowl. I would personally suggest just not having chipotle because it wasn't nearly the same....)

While waiting to order, and pick up my food, I felt a cute boy checking me out. I caught his eye and got immediately terrified and looked away. Then, I felt him looking at me, and I told myself not to turn in that direction, act invisible.

Really? How the hell do I plan on ever meeting the future Mr. Me when I have no flirting skills at all? I mean it goes further than just strangers, I was nervous to even call my exassholemanfriend on the actual phone. I had to talk myself into it. What, the fuck is my problem?

With that said, I have a date tomorrow. It's a second date, and if I don't hear wedding bells, its the last with him. I don't have time for these shenanigans. I'm doing these horrible random dates to get use to talking to people, but I don't enjoy it. I have one for next weekend with someone else, and after that I'm on hiatus again.

Until someone excites me. I seem to be accepting dates with people I feel superior to, and don't really like. Why? I'm probably afraid of rejection.

For me to find someone that makes my heart pitter patter, I need to learn to make a first move and talk to boys that I actually like, and have an attraction to.

Universe, give me some go-go gadget mojo! Stat!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The first step is admitting you are powerless...

I feel fabulous, and I can't say that I'm not excited to be a mere 18lbs from my goal weight! (say what???)

But along with weight loss, come some things you don't think about when you are busy wishing yourself thin.

Like, how being addicted to junk food is like a drug. And, you really do have to take it one day at a time. I prefer, hour by hour. While over time, it does get easier, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about eating an entire cake until I puke. Or a box of cheeze-its. Maybe just one burrito won't be so bad?

More than making the right choices with meals, and sticking to 3-a-day work outs, not giving into cravings is also really hard work. I personally thought when you get to be thin, all your troubles just melt away along with your fat.

I'm a smart girl but that's totally retarded!

It's a 24 hours a day, 365 days a year life change, that I have to wake up each day and make the choice to live with.

Like most addicts, my drug of choice has to be avoided. Like a crackhead, I can't eat a little bit of junk food and think I'll be ok. Because, a little bit is never enough. Like an alchoholic, I can't have just one drink.

One phrase my instructor told us on day one that is my mantra is "you don't want to work out just to eat, losing weight is 50% diet and 50% exercise."

I did this for years. I worked out 6 days a week, and ate pretty much what I wanted. I lost a quick 45lbs that way years ago but for so long, I was stuck in a rut. Confused as to how I was not dropping more weight as much as I exercised. I ate healthier food, but still had indulgences, and over-ate on the good stuff too.

One day I want to conquer this, and be one of those people that can share a dessert and not wish I'd had the whole thing. Or have a couple pieces of pizza and not fight the urge to eat the entire pie by myself.

Ending on a positive note, while I wake up every day and have to talk myself out of having a breakfast bagel, the reward is my inner peace. I love my alone time running a trail, I listen to my favorite music, think about the past, present, and future, and reflect on choices I've made. All while enjoying the greatest gift we have in this universe....nature!

I'm happy to be alive. I'm thankful for the ability to challenge myself, and accomplish things I never thought I would. I love having cheek bones without make up, biceps, and the ability to hold a pencil under my butt cheeks. (I saw this on an infomercial, as a sign of firm buttocks, and when I tried it, I squealed out loud at 3am!)

Taking this past 6 months to MYSELF to be single, and work on ME has turned out to be the best decision I've ever made.

I've taken this time to change, and work on myself on the inside, and yes.....more noticeably, OUTSIDE!

Boy, the future Mr. Me is going to be one lucky sonofogun! I can't wait to meet him, and wow him with my awesome-ness!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Somebodies Watchin Me...

So I never mentioned where I work, because I like to stay semi-anonymous, but now, that's a good thing! With all this new fangled technology, we received memos at work about social media. Not just the usual, don't do it on company time (this was actually outlined as being ok as long as it is not excessive, but subject to change at any time) but that our privacy is not guaranteed.

Even on our own time.

I am hoping that it is mainly geared towards people who talk about getting drunk and calling off work, or doing stupid shit on the job like stealing, cheating, or cohabitating with forbidden peers.

Mostly it was to say they hired a company to track all of us. I get that their concern is protecting the brand, the company name, and information. But also in the memo was a blurb about how we were not to say anything about anyone being pregnant, racial slurs, or a slew of other things that may be deemed as "harassment". It didn't specify just coworkers, so I take this as anyone.

Do I work for the CIA? Heck no, but I do love my job, my coworkers, the awesome perks I receive, the oppurtunity for advancement, and oh yes....my paycheck. So I simply wont mention the j-o-b again in any capacity. So yea, I have a job! And it's for-serious!!

And oh yea, I love everyone!

It simply amazes me that I am alive in a time where things like this are relevant to employment.

My how I feel old.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

I'm Even Fun Sober...

This weekend I did a lot of wine drinking. At home, and at my moms. Where we had a fire, and my dog, who is terrified of fireworks tried to end it all, and walked directly into the fire, escaping being burned alive by seconds. My drunken reaction time is awesome if I do say so myself. We eventually gave him a box to hide in, where he dug his way to china and felt at peace with the buddhists I think.

I ran twice, once with my girlfriend, and once with her and a male friend who couldn't keep up with us. Holla! I bought running shoes separate from my cross trainers, which made me feel pretty awesome, and my feet are still thanking me!

And then, I attended a fireworks party spectacular, where they spent over 5 grand on fireworks, and put on the best display I have seen in years, including city shows. The lights went on for over 40 minutes, and we couldn't believe the orchestration, and sheer nerdiness of the preparation!

This party was a long hour drive away for me, so I couldn't "cab it" home, and in light of my mark as a drunk driver, I didn't drink but for my one glass of moscato 7 hours before departure.

And I had a really good time sober. Go figure!!

I didn't eat bad, I had a few delicious kettle cooked salt and vineger chips (the only kind of chips worth having if you ask me) and a hamburger minus bun, a slice of cheese, and veggies. I gave a lot of stink eyes to people having brownies, cookies, and festively decorated cupcakes. Sure, I could have had one and not blown my diet, but I know myself enough to know that one bit of sugar opens up hells gates, and for me, hell is paved with donuts, candies, cookies, and um, well...cupcakes!

I didn't feel the least bit deprived, and still laughed a lot, and can't wait until next years extravaganza!

I felt a sense of accomplishment as I arrived at Mom's to pick up my dog (who had to be babysat so he wasn't afraid of fireworks displays) at 3 am, and drove home secure in the knowledge that if someone pulled me over, they weren't taking MY ass to jail!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

For Fats and giggles...

Well someone always has pictures of you fat, that you don't know about. So, here is a before and current. The before is from years back I had lost around 45lbs or so and had kept it off, and then recently lost the 50.

I'm not done yet, but until I compared these, wasn't so sure about how far I've come. Mom sent me a picture and mostly, I said holy boobs! Then I said holy stomach is bigger than the boobs!

I would also like to thank my friends for letting me go around with hair like that, and ridiculously stupid glasses, too. Payback is coming your way!

P.S. doesn't my foyer look jungl-y?

Friday, July 01, 2011

Things That Make Ya Go...YAAAY!

It's Friday. Week 14. I lost 4lbs this week, which means I met my second goal of 50lbs! My total body fat loss is 14%! (so, in the past 4 years, I've lost 106lbs!!!)

How do I feel? Well, considering I am 21lbs from my personal goal, and a mere 26 from what Dr.'s think is my ideal goal....I'd have to say I feel pretty flipping amazing!

And tired, and well...my feet hurt!

I was walking into work this week, and passed by a girl in my department that I see probably on a weekly basis. I said "Hi coworker!" as she passed me ...and she ignored me, walked a few steps and turned around and said, "I totally didn't even know that was you, can we talk about your figure? You look amazing".

A couple of the VP's at work have taken to calling me "slim". Use that in a sentence.."hey slim, how's it going?" Are you talking to ME? Oh, yes, I guess you are!

Does this sort of thing get old? Well if it did I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it.

More than how it feels to wear cute clothes, and be comfortable hanging out at home naked (which is my uno #1 favorite thing about spinsterhood by the way) Accomplishing something I have failed at for so long is really what feels the most amazing.

I'm doing this. No one is making me work out. No one is punishing me for having a reese cup (or 5, so what?) or telling me that the world will come to a halt if I absolutely have to miss a work out. It's all me. What I do or don't do shows on the scale, I'm the one responsible for it.

And now, when people say they wish they had my dedication, I have started saying "instead of wasting all my energy on assholes, I'm spending it on me". I don't have anything everyone else doesn't have. I just actually stuck to something and put myself first.

Ummm...Did I mention I lost 50 lbs in a little over 3 months? I did? Well, anyhow, I want to rent a billboard, and inspire the world!

I also want to dance to shake it for me cowgirl, by Luke Bryan, which I'm a bit ashamed to say that I like, but it takes me back to my early 20's, when a friday night was alabama slammers, and bud ice's, and lots of boot stomping at the boot scoot salloon with my girlfriends! I love it!

Now, bring on the celebratory Moscato!!!