Out With The Old...But...I Didn't Mind The Old..

I have been "single" for more than just this past year, but for the first time in a very long time, I actually focused on me in 2012. I stopped waiting to do a lot of things I had always thought I would do, because I wanted "someone else" to catch up and be in the same "place" as I was. I stopped wishing for what might have been, and started embracing what "is".

I stopped using the phrase "when I met the right person I will...." and did whatever it was I wanted to do, on my own.

I can't say that I am completely over exmanfriend, but I have come to the realization that while I have continued to grow both in and out of our relationship, he is still stuck in the same place, unwilling to move foreward. I know that it's something that will not change, and that makes it easier to picture my future without him.

I had a fabulous 2012. From marathons, to buying new furniture, to realizing that I am in fact, a pretty amazing girl, who deserves everything her little heart desires, and settling is not an option.

I can't say that I'm happy to see 2012 go. I had one of the best years I've had in a very long time, and all it took was being true to myself.

I hope you all had a spectacular 2012, and if it was hard, I hope you can take away the lesson in the hardship.

Here's to new beginnings. Bring on 2013!!

What a Difference Two Years Makes...

One of the best things about being single, is the time you have to focus on yourself. At first this is terrifying. Being alone. Oh, the horror! It's scarey. It's lonley. No one understands.

It's been over two years.

This the longest I have ever been single since my very first boyfriend at 12 years old.

Dating? Yes. But without the strong need for being a "couple" dating forces you to be more choosy. In the past I'd have held on to someone who wasn't right for me, simply to be a "couple".

Two years of trying new things. Spending more time with friends and family. Discovering the greatness of Friday happy hours with my girlfriends, and early Saturday runs. Getting in shape....NOT just losing weight. Running races (I still can't believe this one!!) and simply getting to know myself.

Two years of finally having a savings, paying off debt, getting new furniture, and a new car. Learning that you are what you eat, and loving that journey, just as much as I hate it.

Being single forces you to enjoy your own company. Loving your alone time, and being in touch with your own thoughts, feelings, and dreams, without the distraction of what anyone else has to say about it.

Was I letting others hold me back until now? No. I just wasn't ready to be alone. But when you need "something" badly enough, the universe finds a way of making you find out what that "something" is.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was in love. But if I had someone else to focus on, I'd have never had the opportunity to learn my limits, or find out what I am capeable of, which is far more than I gave myself credit for.

The fact that I am still single doesn't mean I am horrible. Or unloveable. I won't wind up an old maid with 80 cats. To me, it simply means I still have more to learn. I'd rather take the time now, so that when love does find me, I am 100% ready.

I'm learning to embrace what life has given me, rather than fight it.

And what's to fight? Because honestly,  my life is really great. Instead of wallowing in self pity for two years, or needing the constant distraction of others, I've had the opportunity to appreciate who I am. I get to realize that while some people I know are in loveless, or unhappy relationships, I still have the opportunity to find my happily ever after!

And when the stars are aligned, that person with an equally great life is going to cross my path, and the possibilities will be endless.

What I Know For Sure...

 "Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort


I've had good relationships, and plenty of bad ones. Most of the good ones were only good, because the guy was nice to me, and not because I had the feelings I should have for them. The bad ones were abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both. And while any abuse is bad, I was not by any means, an innocent party in it.

What it taught me about myself as a 36 year old woman, is that this girl, is never again going to settle for less than she deserves.

It took me a lot of tears, heart to hearts, self help books, broken hearts, glasses of wine, highs and lows, friends, therapy, (legal) drugs, and miles and miles of running meditation to get here, but here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

I've made a ton of changes in my lifetime. At one time I felt defeated, and helpless, and then I felt empowered, and unwilling to lean on anyone else. It took a very special relationship to break down the walls I built up, and let me know that it is OK to be me, because I am loveable, just the way I am.

Of course, we now refer to this as "the great heart break" because for the first time I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and be vulnerable, and trust, and I was still hurt in the end. But what I learned and felt was worth it all.

I'm thankful for everything that happened to me. From getting divorced, and losing everything I had, and needing to be coached by my therapist on how to take a bath. "one day, run the water, the next day, sit in the tub, the next day, wash your hair"....and how to eat "one day, cook the food, the next day take a bite..." to making it on my own better than I ever thought I could.

From hating myself so much that I packed on over 100lbs, to finding my inner strength and happiness, and finally, changing the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

All of it made me who I am today. And I like this girl!


Once I took the time to be on my own for more than a few months, I stopped looking outside for love, and looked at myself. That is when I learned to be strong, vulnerable, forgiving, and kind.


Your life shapes who you are, but you don't ever get the luxury of knowing that, until you go through all the rough patches, better equipped to face the inevitable turbulance that still awaits you. There is always a lesson to be learned, as long as you see them as lessons.

And, after all that I have been thru in my life, I know when something feels right to me, and when it doesn't.

That being said I did have a really fun date recently, that didn't suck.. With someone that I think about alot. Some day, I will share more about this night, and perhaps future nights, should they arise.

Christmas Wishes...

I still believe in Santa. To me it is just in the form of the great and powerful universe. (or God, if that's your thing) And it is with us year round.

So, no matter your age, still make your wishes, believe your dreams, and don't settle for anything less than what your true heart desires.

I remember a time like that. When I was a kid. I think most of us can remember being footloose and fancyfree, as children. Before we knew any different than to care what people thought. When your favorite popsicle flavor made your week, not because it was a popular choice, right, or wrong, or because your friends chose it, but because it was what you really wanted.

Time sometimes makes us lose sight of these things.

My goal this year is to be more in tune with my inner self.

I want to appreciate all that I have brought into my life, intentional, or not, because I have learned from each and every choice I have made.

I want my heart to smile, so the rest of me can follow suit. I want my choices to be mine.

Whether this is a ridiculously expensive coffee maker, new shoes...a cell phone you don't think you can afford, a new puppy, or love....I hope everyone gets what they most desire this this year, not because it is right or wrong, because you want it.

"So in your Christmas prayers this year Alfie asked me to ask you to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood, and those that live there too..."

This video from the Muppets Christmas (John Denver) is by far my favorite childhood Christmas story and sums up my post perfectly.

..Alfie the Christmas tree...

Miss Self-Sufficient...Keep Your Distance...

I was in dress barn, utilizing my birthday discount (I'll be 35 again soon doncha know..) where I uttered these words to the sales lady in a totally serious manner...

"Yes, I'm looking for a cute holiday top, for pictures with Santa this weekend. So far, I think my dog is either wearing a red sweater, or a reindeer costume." She didn't even bat an eyelash, and we got a super cute top! Black, and sparkly, it'll match whatever we find Magoo!

What's more, Mr. Magoo and I both have hair appointments on Saturday, for said holiday photo. Score!

See, I don't need a romantic interest to be happy. I am a happy person with a tiny obsession with my dog.

Is this normal? Probably not!

I simply won't settle for less than the (as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently stated) "zsa zsa zu" and until that crosses my path....

I have lots of interests to take up my time, a core to strengthen, 13.1 miles to achieve, muscles to build, and friends, and family to enjoy laughs with!

I have a very blessed existence partly because I can recognize that I do.

Life...

I had a particularly trying day at work today, being the boss sometimes takes a toll on you. You spend your time taking on everyone else's problems, and its easy to get caught up in what they are thinking and feeling.

Mr. Magoo gave me a lesson in Zen tonight. With all his past struggles in life, he is perfectly content to lay on my couch, totally unaware of what happened to him in the past.

He is living in the moment, safe, and secure, as we all should be.

In this moment, he his healthy, and safe, and loved in his home.

And, so am I.

Peices of Me....

I get all sorts of messages from the dating sites. One thing I can say for losing weight, the quality of men (looks wise) has really shot up for me.

On the same note, the cute ones are just as douchy as the sorta cute ones are. Instead of trying to get right into your pants (because this is obviously what chubby girls want, right?) they try to act slick about it. But, most of us can see right through this. It isn't that I don't want someone to get in my pants, cus that would be quite nice, thank you...but I'm not giving the milk away when the cow attached to it is a pretty good catch!

I got a really great message from this one guy, who actually read my profile, which is really detailed, and totally "me", and touched on so many of our "shared interests" including buddhism, which is a bonus for me.

I thought, wow, this guy might actually warrant a response.

I went to his profile, and it was all written like.."yes, I will bring you flowers for no reason, yes we can go to the dog park when its superbowl Sunday" etc....

The first No?

"No, the animals can not sleep in bed with us"

This is where I quit reading.

Seriously?

Then my Mom's voice is in my head "you're never going to find someone that is Ok with all those animals"

Well..then I don't want him. Especially if you have a human kid. My pets are way less baggage, and if they want to keep my feet warm, I'm OK with it. I don't want human kids but I'm not opposed to the possibility, and you have a problem with a cat on the pillow?

My future Mr. Me, is going to be super cute, a fabulous kisser, hilarious, awesome in the sack, and love everything about me. Including the fact that I am compassionate for all things, including cats, and dogs!

I didn't respond.

And he sent me several other messages, about how he was waiting to get to know me, and he couldn't wait.

So I just responded...

"You wouldn't like it in my bed, I have 4 cats and a dog"

This is the part where I am not needy and desperate, and I know what I want. And I am not willing to compromise.

Not anymore. I'm done with maybe this, and maybe that, and the "some day's".

The last 3 years of my life was spent waiting for a guy to get his head out of his ass and realize what we had. He only seemed to get that, when he dumped me. Three times. And while I really miss what we had, I remind myself that if he thought what we had was what I thought we had, we'd be living happily ever after. And the fact that I keep thinking about him is more about being lonely, than about us.

The future Mr. Me is out there, and until I find him, I'm not wasting anymore time on people who are not what I want. I don't need someone for "the meantime". I'm not a dater. I'm a relationship girl. I always have been, and this is who I will always be.

In the meantime, I have my family, my friends, and my own life and interests to keep me entertained. The future Mr. Me, is going to be worth the wait... the tears.. the times I miss being held at night, and the yeeeearrrrs of mis-steps off of my path, with people who now...I wouldn't give a second look, or a second thought to... and make me thankful that I finally found what I was looking for.

The future Mr. Me is going to hold my hand, and walk down the road with me. Not let go, and run away. Not try to drag me in another direction. We will walk together. Toward what we both want. Laughing, and acting like we are 17 the entire way.

Why did it take me 35 years to get here? Well...the universe has been throwing stones at me all my life. But I ignored them.

Then, I got hit with a boulder, and now....? I'm listening.

Where I have a guardian or something..

I had my brakes done Saturday. My girlfriends husband did them for me, the lights been on a while, like....months...but as I often do, I ignored it. Hi, see me, the bright red brake light? Yea, I'm on because your brakes pretty much suck ass, and you should probably replace me.

Last week I happened to not be jamming to the radio in the stratus, and I heard a terrible grinding when I stopped. And then, a terrible grinding when I drove.

When he took my pads off, he showed me that all that was left of my brakes was a piece of paper. Cus that's real safe. Having brakes that work is a whole new concept for me, obviously. How I didn't die from my own negligence is some sort of miracle.

The same day, I went for my Saturday morning run (which never ceases to amaze me...I am a runner?! SHUT UP!) and I have a routine. I wear my flip flops, and change into my sneakers in the front seat, and I tie the mobile lock to my shoe laces, lock the door, put my keys in my purse, purse in the trunk, and take off.

This time for some reason, I decided to put my shoes on, at the trunk and put my flip flops in the trunk, instead of my purse.... closed the trunk, and got my run on.

Forty minutes, and 4.8 miles later, I exit the trail and see my car is the only one left in the lot. And...my driver side door is hanging wide OPEN!

All the blood rushes from my face, the adrenaline kicks in, and I think a billion horrible thoughts as I truck it to the car, and notice, my purse on the passenger seat, my PURSE IS STILL THERE? I rummage thru it, all my credit cards, cash, blackberry...everything in tact. What?? My keys?? Oh, those are just IN the IGNITION.

As hokey as it may sound, I really did count my blessings that night. I got up, worked out, hung out with three of my girlfriends on three separate adventures, and felt really lucky just to have enough friends to fill up an entire Saturday. I ended the night with my new favorite wine...a moscato (where have you been all my life???) And to top it off? I saw my first rainbow of the year!

I was on top of the world, happy to be me, loving life, and if gas weren't so damned expensive, I'd have searched for that pot of gold!

Walking on Sunshine...

So tonight was my 8 week weigh in. My goal for May 31st was to lose 30lbs. After I started adding workouts to my boot camp commitments, I decided that 8 weeks was a better goal.

I am only 1lb short of that goal. So to me, I made it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost 29 lbs in 8 weeks, which means I averaged 4lbs/week.

That is 15lbs a month. (I even amaze myself!)

Done with hella hard workouts, (two a days 5 days a week) buckets of sweat, a score of dry heaves (which I have not had in the past couple weeks!) lots of hot spa baths, not giving into cravings, dedication, eating right, and eating ENOUGH and being stress free!

Having achieved this goal for me, has given me an indescribable sense of pride, and accomplishment!

Now, for the next 30lbs!

And if the world ends tomorrow, (which I do not believe in one bit) at least I'll go feeling on top of the world. With no regrets in any aspect of my life, and ready to come back to my cushy life as a fat pampered house cat, as reincarnation is my belief as a Buddhist .

Me-ow!

P.S. My latest "guilty" pleasure, is mashed cauliflower. Everyone says how it is a great alternative for mashed potatoes, and I concur!

1 head of cauliflower steamed
2 cloves garlic
1 sweet onion
1/4c spray butter (no calories)

Puree in the food processer until creamy and delicious! It's so filling, and you can season it so many ways!

Ketchup..

I love Ketchup. But what I love more, is my new soda stream drink maker! I spend a small fortune in buying seltzer water, (with sliced cucumber it's a dream!) so I think of it as an investment! It cost alot by my standards, but I'm worth it. And, I made an orange soda, you know, for mixing with the vodka when you just don't feel like a vodka soda! It's only 35 calories a liter, you can't beat that!

Other than this, I've been hellah busy, girl at work is in the hospital 2 months early trying not to have her baby at the busiest time of the year, so I've been working a lot of overtime, and time is flying by. Sometimes I forget to pee. I wish I could say I forget to eat..but that never happens. The price of being the boss, but I don't have to do it often, and I'm thankful to have a job I love. And, since I'm a hip boss, I texted her to "keep those legs crossed for two more months and not worry about work".

I also spent days sautee-ing, and steaming vegetables, brown rice, and chicken and froze it into serving sizes, in my attempt to drop my final 30lbs for summer time. In a month I can drive...(squeeee...) and I'll be headed back to boot camp (cross fit) and weekly meditation. I cannot WAIT! I have so much to look forward to.

I filed my taxes, and selling my stock didn't screw me over, and I actually got a refund. Soon, I'll bonus at work, and I'm going to be in the clear. Time to pay off more debt, and continue my savings (I actually have one after 35 years!!!!) get my car fixed, and (drumroll........) plan for home OWNERSHIP! A house for ME and the furkids!

My position at work is also growing, and I really feel like this is my year. For the first time in a long time. I'm not holding myself back in hopes someone will catch up to where I am, and where I want to be in life. I'm also planning to do something fabulous on the job, and win a spot on the annual trip to somewhere warm and beachy next spring!

I'm doing a 3 mile outside run tomorrow. I do 4 indoors, but I'm not good outside. This is in preparation for my first 5K in May, and hopefully....a half marathon this summer! It feels so good to have goals!

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone!

Do I miss "him"? I miss what I wanted him to be. But I realize now, that was all in my head, simply dreams, fueled by words he told me to keep me around until he decided what he wanted to do with his life.

The dark cloud is that my uncle shot himself. He had cancer, which he suffered from for years, that came back. He couldn't take it anymore. That makes my Grandma, Grandpap, two uncles, and an Aunt on my Moms side with cancer.

I think that in my awesome new year, I need to add quitting smoking to the line up!

Doncha Know I'm Loco...(Not really)

I don't know that I've mentioned how completely and totally at peace I feel in my life after 6 months of constant anxiousness, sleeplessness, and heartache. I'm happy to be out of that spot for sure! And I hope to continue to do so!

On to better things. Like, the Four Loko ban in Ohio. (and other states that I don't live in so therefore could care less about) Can I live my life without this delicious $2 drink? Sure! But that should be my choice. Not the FDA's. Do the ingredients kill people? I have them all the time. I'm sorry people drink too much and died, but I guess then I'm also sorry that the homeless guy at the intersection near home is homeless because he probably drinks too much too. Only I bet its not Four Loko. It's probably something way stronger! Like whiskey.

I am also sad that countless people die in alchohol related deaths, and accidents each year, but that is all a result of people not knowing their limits, making mistakes. People die, but until we are all walking around in bubbles, thats the way this life goes.

You take your own life into your hands every time you step out the door. Birds could poke your eyes out! You could fall down the stairs! A wild dog could attack you! Vampires could stalk you! So, should we have birds' beaks cut off? Pad all the stairs? Kill all the dogs? (not the puppies!) And battle vampires?

My beef with this is mostly that more and more choices are being taken away from us. I'm not really political, but I'm also no dummy. I have to pay an extra tax to tan, because its not good for me. The 1500 warnings posted in the salon didn't tell me that, so I have to pay more ...to drive the point home. It has nothing to do with making anyone richer.

I smoke, so I pay like $5 in taxes per pack of cigarettes, but thats my choice. I know they are dangerous. Kids are going to take the new reformulated Four Loko, and add red bull to it. Probably more than is already in the pre packaged drink, and more will die. And then who's fault is that? Red bull? Or the kids? When do things become a persons responsibility?

Is it the Honda's fault Joe Schmoe lost control and crashed into a family? Or is it a horrible mistake made by Joe?

You know what they are doing these days? Besides buying up all the sudafed, and making ME feel conspicuous when I have to sign for this LEGAL drug at the pharmacy counter, and wonder how many times is too many before I'm flagged as a meth head?

Their huffing fermented poop to get high.

Look for poop to be banned soon. You will all be ordered to stop pooping, because kids could steal your old poop and sniff it until they are in such a poop stupor, that they probably die. When I was a stupid kid, we took cold tablets. I bet if you take enough cold tablets you can die. So everyone should have to suffer with colds, and have them banned? Please.

Too much of anything is bad. I think you learn this the first time you eat a whole package of zero bars in a day. Or a whole gallon of ice cream. Or a whole two liter of coke. Or drink beer, and wine, and vodka, and pucker, and you get so sick first you eat some guy on the streets chili cheese fries in the flats of Cleveland of all places....and then your Mom has to pick you up cus even your own husband abandoned you to wallow in your own puke. What? You havn't done those things?

Wounded...

You know that crappy saying people think helps you get over someone when your heart is wrenched out of your chest? "Time heals all wounds". What. Ever. Time doesn't heal anything. Not even a yeast infection.

I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.

I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?

I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.

Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.

And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.

You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.

And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.

I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.

I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.

I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.

The wonderful wizard of oz....

I wish you really could make people walk a mile in your shoes. And feel your feelings, and live your life.

It seems I'm met with a lack empathy, and compassion. Too often people relate their own experiences to what you are dealing with, and often those are bad ones. Well this is what happened to me, so thats what will happen to you.....

Everyone is different. We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions. And while it is nice to get advice when you ask for it, sometimes, you just want to be heard. You want someone to say, "I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry....." You don't need the extra garbage that goes along with it. You know, the "get over it-s" and the "you're better than him-s". I don't blame myself a tall for the demise of the relationship I can't get past.

Usually by now, I am able to see my fault in what went wrong. But that's just it....nothing went wrong with it.

I've been dying on the inside every day for the last 5 months. And its time to start dealing with it, vs. stuffing it away, and turning it into hate.

Close your eyes, and imagine your perfect match. From the first communication, to the first time you meet, a spark and connection that you've never had. That you didn't know existed.

Imagine enjoying every second you are with that person, and loving the feeling of closeness you have when you are together. A warm feeling when you think about them. Imagine laughter, silliness, and a caring that you've never experienced before. Think about how you can't stand to be apart, and love to hold hands, and snuggle up together. Feel the butterflies in your stomach you still get at the thought of him after almost three years.

Imagine having everything you ever wanted, and not wanting to change one single thing about a person. Not a thing. Think about being able to accept every habit, and quirk they have....Then, imagine that person feels exactly the same way, and people actually envy what you have. YOU!?

Then..imagine it ends because that person is scared. Not because of anything wrong with your seemingly perfect relationship, or the fact that you cant get along, or the love has died... but because they are scared.

Now, try to get past that and move on. When everything is a disappointment, because its not him. Try to forget how it felt when he held you, and try to forget that the one person you fell so hard for, is no longer in your life. For no real reason.

Time. Yes. I've heard it all before. I'm 34, I've had my heart broken countless times, suffered depression during my divorce so bad, I had to be coached for several weeks into how to take a bath and wash my hair, because I simply didn't want to exist anymore.

So, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been on this ride many times, and survived. But its the hardest one. And I wish I knew when the ride will end.

Free Bird...

Something I havn't talked about in a long time is that I'm actually a certified Reiki Practitioner. I was attuned around 3 years ago. I've only practiced on exmanfriend, and my dog, who dislikes it, and wont allow me to do it.

It's something that I lost track of, and as of late, have been talking with the person who attuned me about spiritual healing. When I meditate, I picture myself in white light. When you do reiki, you have to visualize the white light coming through your hands and into the person, and you have to have nothing but love in your intentions. With all the negativity in my brain, I can't even surround myself with light. He asked if I'd tried to heal myself. I told him that seemed impossible at this point.

I feel broken, so he put me in contact with a spiritual healer. I am thinking seriously about meeting with her, so I can get back to my old, positive self. I would love to practice reiki, and put it to good use. And let go of the negativity that I'm letting consume me.

In other news, I have works travel department working on booking me a flight to see my sister in Virginia Beach in August. I need to get away, and if I wait until I can "afford" it, I'll never go. A trip is just what I need.

Like most things, I've been avoiding it, because in order to leave town, I will have to put my 14 year old dog to sleep, and I've been in denial about it for a long time. It's to the point where I'm embaressed to even take her to put her down because she looks so bad, and I don't know how they will even find a vein to do so.

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.

Ode to corey haim...

I'm not a poet. So this isn't really an ode. But really, its about me.

Growing up girls have dreams. Dreams of getting married and living happily ever after. Of course, these dreams are usually to princes, that don't exist, but we seem to think they do.

Or, celebrities, that we never think will let us down by having real life problems. Like...drugs.



So, to that end, I will miss Corey Haim. He was my favorite Corey. But it just goes along with the fact that I always go for the druggies and alchoholics.



Maybe this finally has freed me from the chains?



I wonder sometimes if a real live boy will ever realize that I am an awesome catch, and want to marry me? I feel like I'm standing still. Then I tell myself to enjoy the ride. I'm starting to think the ride is long, and my ass is starting to hurt.

Clear Conscience...

I am OK. I know this, because I'm confident in my efforts in this relationship. I gave everything I had. I treated him like gold. I supported, complimented, loved, craved, and valued everything about him. All the time. I never disrespected him. I never put him down. Didn't control him. I never made him feel like any decisions he made were wrong. I'm almost always upbeat and happy, and the one to make you laugh when you have a bad day.

I'm the perfect girlfriend. Seriously.

I was 100% myself with him. I never waivered from who I am. I trusted him completely. I let him have his own life, and was always there when he asked me to be.

Trying it again to me meant trying. So I tried. I did everything I could to make it work. Who else moves in two weeks? And makes all the effort to save something? I didn't want any doubts. No room for question. So I tried.

I cry now and then. But mostly, I'm ok. I cry because I hurt, and I miss him and things we did. And the cute things we said to each other. And when I see old people I cry because I use to see us in them. I cry and I feel my feelings and then I'm done.

I don't have those "if only I'd done this" or "I didn't give it my all" or "if only I were better". No "what if's". Nothing like the 24 hour crying bout when he dumped me, for no real reason.

The key to all of this, is that I was happy with my life when we met. I am a happy person. I know who I am, and I know what I'm worth. The fact that he met someone else or lost interest in me? Isn't my fault. I am a great person, who picks not so great people.

I'll never change me. I'll never "be a bitch" to keep a man. I'm not one, so why change. Someone will love and appreciate me for what I am. And they wont let me go, or run away scared because I'm everything they want.

I've done so much work to get where I am today, and I wont let anyone take it away from me again. Men have berated me and treated me like shit my whole life. I would get deeper and deeper into depression, and self hatred. Normally I'd have blamed myself for this falling apart. He doesnt love me whats wrong with me?

But knowing myself and doing all that work allows me to know with confidence, I love me. I am a hell of a person, and I have so much to offer. It truely is his loss, and that's not lip service. I have absolutely no doubts that he will if not now, eventually come to terms with what he lost.

And despite the outcome of this relationship, it was the happiest 2 years of my life with a man. I had never felt more loved and appreciated or important to a person in my life. I know it was real. I know what I wanted, and it was him. Of course, minus the inability to commit to me, everything was perfect. It was my first happy, loving relationship free from abuse.

And I know that he will be the one doubting his decision some day. He's the one w/questions. Why he isnt happy. Why things didnt work. What went wrong. How could it have been better. Why did I hurt her. Why can't I find "the one"? I tried to help him all the time with his "issues" but he isn't ready for change. He'll move from person to person...wondering...why am I not happy? For his sake, I hope he can one day turn that finger around on himself.

If he can get "bored" with our relationship, I feel sorry for this girl.

Well, I actually feel sorry for him. I know I'll be OK. My friends support me. They aren't behind my back telling him he is better off without me. (i cant get over that one...his friends secretly support ME. It speaks volumes about a person and their choices when their friends do that)

I'm not the best thing in the world, but I'm pretty damned special! And I'm gonna take my special ass to the next level, and be everything I am and more.

Titleless Post...

Firstevly, Go here and enter to win a contest! I love contests! Someone has to win and that could be you! You can win the pictured necklace! While you are there you may find you want to buy some jewelry, you didn't think you would buy! I am going to buy "laugh" because I love this message! Now, go and enter! All you have to do is look!

They canceled that incentive trip to Mayacoba at work due to the pig flu. Honestly, I pictured the outbreak like, in the crappy areas where people live in boxes in Mexico. Not the fancy resort areas.

I witnessed this box living a few miles from where my ex husband and I were on our Shitheadmoon (can't call it a honeymoon when he isnt my honey) in Cancun. We ran out of money, and had to have my Mom and sister wire us some. The trip to pick it up was a memorable one. They live in boxes with carpets for roofs. And we went back to our air conditioned hotel room with marble floors, and free bottles of alchohol. America really is the land of opportunity, you can't blame them for wanting to come over. Though I think it should be done legally. (that's another story)

Cancun! Oh how I wish I would have went with someone I loved, instead of someone I thought I should marry in order to start a family by 25. My how things have changed! I thank the universe for knowing better what I needed than I did!

Is anyone else worried that we are catching animal sicknesses? Remember that book Animal Farm? We had to read it in school. I always knew they could talk, it's probably their way of taking over the world, first birds, then pigs, next cows. Except, I really think cows are adorable. It makes me cry when they show them with mad cow disease on the news. It literally pains my heart. So, instead of cows, flu, can you infect snakes? I could kill a zombie snake I think!

What scares me worse than some flu, is that flesh eating bacteria. Saw it again on Oprah yesterday. A woman lost her whole side of her body cus she cut her finger with a chef's knife! Eeek.

I havn't lost weight latley. But Kat sent me a picture last night of me 2 years ago (before losing 72lbs) and ummmmm....besides being horrified that I thought I looked cute, I remembered that I have made progress, and it's taken 2 years. Patience. I just want to lose 20 more. Isn't the last 20 the hardest? Ugh.

Rest assured though, I am still doing my 50 minutes at lunch treadmill/eliptical, sometimes both, and a couple days a week walking after work. I also added core work/weights 3 days a week with the balance ball, which I can already tell the difference in my balance. I'm getting there. I just have to get my food right.

It's hard to balance working out and eating, because you have to eat more when you work out, or you're always hungry. And that leads to eating 4 bananas a day and while this may sound good, they are high in calories and sugar. If you don't feed the hunger, you don't lose weight, despite working out 2 hours a day. IF you eat too much, you don't lose weight cus you had too many calories. Sometimes I want to scream and give up. But then a friend sends you a fat picture, and you remember why you are doing it.

P.S. Maybe if you think about me losing 10lbs I will? Anyone? Help?

My Shit Don't Stink...

I'm going to relate the dumbest shit I ever heard. Besides asking me if boys have a colon....(new girl) . I use to work with a girl who said she didn't believe in the courtesy flush, because poop hits the water, therefore the smell is trapped in the water, no need to flush during a poo so your neighbor doesn't pass out from noxious fumes.



I bet you can guess who always got blamed for stinking up the shitter. I mean seriously. If this were true, no one would stink up a bathroom, doesn't all of our poop land in the water? Does that mean the reason a crapper is still fuming, because someone decided to take a poo on the floor? I'm sure it wouldn't help, but come on. Poop stinks. Period.



I'm helping the world be harmonious. Why we should all love each other: We all bleed red. Put our socks on one foot at a time. And all our poops land in the water. And stink.

Speaking of harmonious this was on Oprah....and I can relate to this 100%....

"Spirituality is an individuals waking up to a dimension of their being, or soul. It is the most real part of us. When one starts to really feel into the spiritual part of their being, they bump into love, they bump into compassion, they bump into beauty, they bump into real peace and real joy. And that begins to be where they live their life from. Real, authentic beings that have a tremendous amount of meaning in their life. Begin to notice what you have in your life that you are grateful for. When you look at life through gratitude you dont see as many obstacles or hinderences, you see potential, you see possibilities, then you become an open vehicle for inspiration, or wisdom, or guidance coming from the spiritual part of your being."

They suggested to start meditation, by sitting quietly for 1 minute each morning. I say this, it's a fantastic suggestion, because you become connected to your thoughts, and learn what your inner voice is, and what inner noise is. I had a very hard time getting past this, and I still struggle at times. Trust your gut.

Listen To Me...

If you ever listen to anything I say, listen to this. Lucky for you, you can watch Dr. Wayne Dyer's (my biggest inspiration for change!) "Power of intention" seminar online, right HERE! Do it now! If you want a change in your life, this is the perfect first step to prove to you that you can. He is inspirational, and you do have the power to change your life. If I can, ANYONE can. His book "Change your thoughts change your life" did just that, changed my life.

Theres a reason I told you to watch it. So do it. Now. Go. And most importantly, believe it.