"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, December 31, 2007

HAPPY 2008.....

Happy New year to everyone! I hope it's a wonderful new year full of new possibilities for all of you! I am not making resolutions anymore cus I'm old enough to know they don't last.

The only thing I promise myself for the new year and beyond, is to not sell myself short, and always keep my happiness in mind. 2007 was a really crummy year in the way of my personal life. But it ended on a fantastical note. And, I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Anyone making resolutions? I gained 8 lbs in 3 wks so if I were making resolutions I'd resolve to lose that 8lbs. But, I will anyway when I get back on track from feeling sick, and eating crap.

I'm going to the mans tonight for a par-tay. Hardly anyone I know is even doing anything this year. I feel a lot better, but I'm still exhausted. I was pretty shitty on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Took lots of meds. Felt high, loved it. We saw I am Legend this weekend. That was a really good movie! Sad too.


Friday, December 28, 2007

I Heart The Po Po's....

I'm on my happy (but sick) way home from the second job last night, on the phone leaving my brother a voicemail when out of nowhere, I see the flashing lights of a police officer, who passes the person behind me to pull me over with his spotlight blaring in my rear-view. I say into the phone "I'm getting fucking pulled over" and hang up. The person in front of me stops too. I'm thinking, wtf did I do wrong? I was going 50 in a 55 on a country road. He asks me if I know the people in front of me, I say no, so he goes to tell them to leave. Apparently, I'm the one he wants.

He was nice, and asked where I was headed from. I said "work, I work two jobs" he said "oh, that's rough" "yea, and I'm really sick" I say. He's looking at my liscense and says "the reason I pulled you over is because you have a headlight out, did you know that?" I reply with a "yes, I work 8-10 every day so I havn't had time to get it fixed, but I will this weekend". He asked if I still lived where my liscense says I do, and I said no, I live right over on such and such, which is the next street over. He let me go with a "get that checked out as soon as you can". "Thank you officer". Puke.

They should rename my town 'Mayberry'. You know..the only time I'm harassed by the police, is in my own town? Always on my own street, or in this case, the next street over? Seriously, what the hell! That's the third time I've been pulled over there. Know how many times I've been pulled over anywhere else? Once, for driving w/o my headlights on at like, 6:00. And I've been driving for how long? Another sign to move? The police have it in for me?

Someone was looking out for me last night, because firstly before that even, when I left the second job, I almost hit a deer. I've never gotten THAT close to hitting one. I didnt see it until it was in front of me, and you know all about that deer in headlights thing. They freaking stop and stare at you. "oh noooooes, a carrrrrr is coming". I literally came inches from hitting it, and everything in my car came crashing forward from its hiding spots as I squealed to a stop. (my cars kinda messy). It looked at me like "that's what I thought bitch!" And mosied off the road like it owned the damn thing. Deer are really freaking cute, but they're totally arrogant!

I'm downing Zicam rapid melts like their candy. Only, they don't exactly taste like candy. They taste like rotten chalk. Don't ask me how I know what that's like, other than I just assume. I'm friggin sick, and the new year is approaching! I need to knock this shit outta me so I can ring it in proper like. Tonight, I'm going home, and going to bed. Does my life excite you, or what?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Come Tumb-e-lin Down....

I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking right now. I have PMS. I'm getting a nasty cold. I barely got any sleep, and I really exerted myself physically yesterday...ifyaknowwhatImean. The man and I had the "where is our relationship going" talk last night. And at the time, I felt good about it. I guess I still feel good about it, but if I think about the future then I get upset. That is how I've been with our relationship for a while now. It's overwhelming to think about everything that will have to change for us to be together long term. And, I can't handle that sort of change all at once.

I thought he was dumping me. I really did. I mean, we had a good talk. He said he wants to see me more, and have me be more a part of his life, which is also what I want. But he said that there is no spontanaiety to our relationship, and it's so structured, and we can't deepen it by only seeing each other a few times a week. He started out by saying that the problem is circumstantial, and in no way a reflection of me or our relationship. I knew the distance thing would wind up being a problem eventually. And, I know where he's coming from. It sucks that we can't just hang out on a "school night" because there's a two hour drive (round trip) involved in seeing each other.

We don't get to hang out with each others friends, or stop by for the heck of it. There is a lot we don't get to do. But I also think that the time we do spend together is amazing. We talked about what could be done to make things better. I work a lot. I wont work a lot forever, that's not my intention. He will be going to school and working more, and we'll have even less time for each other than we do now. That thought scares me. I hate being apart from him as it is, for a few days!

A part of me feels like if he wants to be with me, then we should live together. But then thats also the part of me that makes stupid decisions, and wants to do things right this time. That's what the old me would do. Rush into things. But I also think sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and you can't tell it what it wants, so until it gets it, it'll ache. I think thems the ropes. It's got a mind of its own. I also understand, the need to live on your own without a girlfriend/boyfriend. Everyone should experience that, and I can respect his want/need for that as well. Which is what he wants to do before living with a girl again.

All in all it was a good talk, and positive things came out of it. But the long and short of it is we both want to spend more time together. The only solution I could offer is I move closer to work, and I've been tossing the idea around for a long time now. It's half the distance to his house. It's not something that can even happen any time soon, because I can't afford to live near work. It's way more expensive, and I have to pay down my debt first, and get some money saved up. So then I worry that I am going to lose what we have in the mean time. Which is silly, because I really believe we are meant for each other, and nothing can change that. Not even circumstances.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Is It Over Yet?

Can the week be over? I mean, I don't remember the last time I got such a screw with work. Oh wait, I worked here last year, so, last year I also got screwed into working. I get vacation starting in January. This is the only place I've worked where the insurance costs so much you can't afford it, and you don't get vacation until you work a year. And, I have to clock in and out. How fucking retarded is that?

As you can clearly see, I'm in great spirits this fine morning. I am coming down with something, my ear's clogged, and my sinuses hurt. Obviously I'm getting sick. Nothing sucks balls more than being sick and working two jobs. I guess what would suck more is being sick and not working at all and living outside in a box. There you go, way to be grateful for what you have! Yay me!

Did everyone have a merry christmas? I picked up my brother, and made dinner on Monday. We ate around midnight. Seriously. I made turkey, and mashed potatos, apple dump cake, mac and cheese, and he brought rigatoni. It was pretty delicious if I do say so myself. We opened gifts with Momma and Sis on side by side phones. Me and my brother watched movies all night. I miss having family around for Christmas. It's just not the same at all.

So then I went to the man's house for Christmas Day, which was not exactly like being with my family of course, nothing will ever be the same. But, I was with him, and that's what's important.
We went to the neighbors for a while, and ate dinner, and watched Harry Potter. We just watched Harry Potter last week. So I left before the end of the movie, which was at 10pm. I was late to work this morning. But, I just don't seem to care.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Ho Ho!..

Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. I'm over everyones political correctness. Last night I read an old journal from when I met CP. This is where keeping a journal comes in pretty handy. God, from the first week we met, he was asking me for money, in a "kidding" manner. I questioned it and wondered what his intentions were. I actually called it red flag #1, and there were several more to follow. He also had mood swings from the drugs. And I began within the first 4 months to peice together how his drug use affected our sex life (or lack thereof). And..he peed the bed. He guilted me into letting him live with me when I wasn't ready. "Forgot" he was married.

Then, there was the porn. Not the occasional I'm checkin out the babes online, the hours upon hours of porn. The sick things I found like young girls. Which he denied was his, like, someone broke in and looked up porn on his computer. And the most important part, was all this time looking at it, and not doing it with a very willing partner, is also a freaking problem. I can vouch for the fact that it can do wonders on your self esteem. Like he was some prize, you know? I'm pretty happy for the way things turned out. Funny looking back at it all. I mean...do you ever look back and wonder, what the fuck you were doing with your life?

I also see everything I wanted, I've found. I'm where I'm suppose to be. I stop myself all the time from thinking about next week, or next month, because it's too overwhelming and I get too scared. Patience. I' m trying.

Merry Christmas, hope santa brings you everything you want! I'm opening prezzies tonight with my brother, cooking a turkey at midnight. And tomorrow I'm gonna visit with the man and his fam!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Makin a List, Checkin it Twice...

Wanna hear something pretty damn cute? The man usually stays on Wednesday's and he's off Thursday, and he straightens up a little before he leaves, cus he's so thoughtful! Yesterday, he texted me that he didn't make my bed before he left, because Tai (one of my cats) looked so comfortable he didn't have the heart to ask her to move. I mean...really, nothing melts my heart more than that. I guess it's like some women seeing a guy with their kids. Only, cats are better than kids, so this trumps it. Totally. He also thinks its cute that my cats pile on my pillow to go to sleep. I mean, I'm keeping him. We're gonna be 80 and in love. I just know it!

I'm really cleaning up at work with the gifts. Everyone's still laughing about my stupid clock. Which, I've decided to post a picture of so you can see it's gayness. It's only like, 5" long. It sorta looks big in the pic. I mean, these people make a buttload of money, you have no idea. One girl got a big ass Dooney & Burke bag she wanted. One got a diamond necklace. One got $250 cash, cha ching. I got this clock.

Today I got a $20 to Wal mart, $25 to applebees, $25 to Max & Ermas, $50 to Macy's (from my favorite VP), and a tower of Harry and David treats, a big tote all from VP's. And, only one District Manager got me something, the newest one got me a pkg of hot chocolate, a mini whisk, and a Yankee Candle ornament you put scented oil on. I love Yankee Candle. I also got a buttload of food and chocolate. Today I ate three cookies. They were big fat chocolate chip too. I feel like such a lard. I'm over the whole weight loss thing til after Christmas. I'll only depress myself. So long as I fit in my clothes, I'll be happy!

Speaking of gifts I'm so unsure of what I got for the man. Everyone likes what I got, but it's hard to buy for someone the first Christmas! I really think he'll like his gifts though. But the nerves get me. Ack!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Another Day Another Dollar...

I was way busy yesterday. I had training for the 50th time on power point at work. As if one needs that much training on something we're not permitted to use at work. In my job, we use it for newsletters. Copy/paste info into it as pictures. Not real power points. So, what I'm sayin' is.. I texted dirty messages back and forth with the man, about how much fun it'd be if he were in class with me. In the back row. Wink, wink. It passed the time, and made me giggle!

We had a department lunch at Friday's. I rode with the girl in my department who likes to bitch about everyones imperfections, and spread general negativity. I called her on it, because she complains about another girl doing just that, and she is doing it all along. I've decided that I'm letting these bastards at work get to me. Ever since I've stopped with my positive thinking, shits gone down hill. I havn't lost weight. I have had no money. I hate work. I need to stop that shit and get back on track! Hello, it's freaking Christmas! Where's your spirit already?

The good thing about the lunch, is that it was two hours. By the time we got back to work, and I picked up reports, it was 3. And a mere two hours at the second job..Then, I got to see my guy!

Aaaack! That man drives me nuts. Nuts people. And I don't mean he makes me crazy and I want to kill him, but I mean he drives me nuts in that .....how can you like someone so freaking much way! Seriously! Like, you know how you get so super excited about doing something, or going somewhere, and all that builds up inside as a feeling like you're going to burst? Like butterflies and flashes of excitement and emotions? Yea, I get that all the time sitting next to him, like an explosion. It's pretty crazy. And..gawwwwd how I miss him today. It's like, totally freaking awesome, and so cruel all wrapped up in the same package. If I weren't me, I'd hate me too for being so freaking happy!

So, CP called me yesterday. He'd called a couple times and left msgs. but I never answered or returned the calls. He said he wanted to see if I was alive. Said he lives seconds from my second job. Wanted to come "get his stuff". I said I'm not going to be around this weekend, and asked what it was he wanted. He said his bike. I said well, I dunno if I want you to have it. Really, with all he owes me, how bad is it that I want to keep a freaking bike? Not bad at all. Then he got pissed and hung up. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa Clause is Comin...

So the snow's mostly melted from the storm we had. But you can't tell that to my dog, who gives me the "fuck you" look when I put her outside. She won't even go off the back porch, she has taken to pissing right there on the stoop. She has short dog syndrome or something.

I need new tires. But I've decided I can't afford them. I am going to save money hopefully have them by the end of January. I can't in my right mind charge another thing on my credit cards, when I've been working two jobs for years to pay the fucking things off. It defeats the purpose! And I would like the year 2008 to be the year I cease working my life away! It's good to have goals!

I got prezzies last night! Momma and sissy sent gifts. I'm pretty sure one of them broke. From frosty santa. It sounds like lots of broken glass. Unless my gift is broken glass, I dunno. There are also a lot of them unwrapped in spots, but I didn't peek. I've got restraint like that!

This is the second year that I havn't gotten gifts for people. It's kinda depressing. Not decorating is depressing. I havn't even made a cookie. Not one. I havn't rolled a buckeye. Bought a potato, or even thought about what I'll make for me and my brother for dinner. I don't like being responsible for him, because the man invited me for Christmas, which I'd love to be around a family for the holiday. Instead, I get to be around my ungrateful brother.

I got a few gifts so far at work. From one VP I got a card for the grill at work for $10, same from another and a big diamond ring keychain (how appropriate), one of my VP's got me a big basket of food and cheeses. One of my other VP's got me a stupid wooden clock. Trust me when I say it's stupid. I mean, why bother? I know it sounds ungrateful, but I don't care. It's a truck stop clock, and I am totally giving it away at the next white elephant I go to. This guy hates me. He's super critical, though he's nice. I just know he hates me. I might be more offended, if he didn't get my manager the same stupid clock. Everyone knows, the best part of this job, is gifts. I'm still holding out for some gifts from District managers. A girl can dream. So much for diamonds. *sigh*

I thought that after three days with the man, maybe it would be easier to be away from him, but no one ever said I thought right. Boy...I miss him. I wanna gobble him up! It hurts my heart to be away!

Reminder...I have enough money. I need to shut the fuck up and stop bitching about it, my negativity is bringing me down.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Snowcap Recap...

So, I survived my birthday weekend. Survived, meaning, we had a horrific snowstorm, and we were in the middle of Amish Country, where they have hills and valleys, and horses to get you where you need to go. Wasn't the easiest thing to do, drive home in the snowstorm. What am I saying? I didn't drive, manfriend drove us. He said my tires suck, and we had a hard time getting up some hills. Worse yet, when we got back to my house on Sunday...it took 5 people and about an hour to get up my driveway.
You know what though? I'll take a handful of these shitty ass storms over sweltering heat any day. I really don't mind them much at all.

The cabin was super nice! Everything was clean, and well taken care of! We had some beers Friday night and watched a movie all snug as bugs by the fireplace! There was a cute cat outside that kept us company for smoke breaks. Cats=just like home!
We got up far too early Saturday, but it was a good thing cus we were able to hit the flea market, and the winery and make it back to the cabin by about 7. The man is quite a skilled driver, I must say. I wasn't nervous at all, and trust me, it was freaking BAD out there. We wished we had a horse and buggy like the amish, they were trucking on past us!
The snow does make for some fun, like snowball fights. And I made a little snowman on the porch at the cabin. He melted the next day though.

Manfriend got me some delicious wine, strawberry and red raspberry. Which is like, if you could drink jelly, and it got you drunk, that's how yummy and sweet it was. Deee-lissssh! We made breakfast for dinner, it was a treat, that he cooked in the nude....I quite enjoyed it, like my own little Bday suprise!

Saturday night I lit 25 tea lights in the bathroom around the jacuzzi and we hopped in and had some wine and relaxed. Not long after that, the man passed out on the couch. It was a stressful drive, and we ate a lot, and drank.
Yesterday it snowed some more, and we went shopping. The man stayed with me since the storm headed to his house, and it was bad. I got to spend THREE nights with him. *squeal* I liked it an awful lot!
I loved getting away for a couple nights. I wish I had longer to go, but theres always another time, right?

Here's the fireplace


View from our porch. This was Saturday morn before it snowed

The bed we slept in. Didn't get one of it made up.

I'm so romantic

Winery. And snow. This wine is delicious!

Friday, December 14, 2007

My Burf-dayyyyy...

It's my birthday. I don't feel any older! I got a gift card to Starbucks from my coworker, which is friggin awesome!

I'm outtie in an hour to get my stuff together for my getaway with the man! Here are some pics so you can all be jealous of me. I'm all about making folks jealous! Byeeeee!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Nothin' But Mammals....

I was out on break this morning. Talking to two girls. And being happy with the person I am. I listened to them complain about sex with their husband/fiance. Say what? I'm glad this isn't me. You wonder why there is so much infidelity in the world. How about trying to enjoy sex? I mean, what's so friggin bad about it? If it's so bad you have to complain about it, maybe you're with the wrong person. It's meant to be a mutually gratifying experience.

I could never in a bazillion years (thats a long time) say I didn't wanna have sex with the man. I mean, it frustrates me that someone can make me feel the way he does. He's got that kinda control. It's that good. I just wanna scratch out his eyes. And, I mean that in a loving way.

Back to my break..one girl was complaining because since having her baby in May she hasn't been able to do the deed. She hadn't done said deed for several months prior, due to being hella pregnant and uncomfortable. So, almost a year. With. No. Sex. And, it's too painful after having a baby. I piped in, that this is one of 10 billion reasons I have no desire to have children. They ruin your va-jay-jay. Wanna know what she said? It's not the baby that did it. I think it's the misery loves company club, because people with kids say "it's no different at all" but let's be honest here. When I buy pantyhose, I have to struggle to get the fucking things on my legs. Inch by inch. Pulling, stretching. Once I take them off? They are stretched out and the next time I put them on it's way easier. You can't tell me that pushing out a baby doesn't stretch your insides out. I'm not that stupid. If it didn't happen, there wouldn't be vaginal rejuvination surgery.

On a happier note. I had a fantastical evening with my sweetpea. I just love spending time with him. We went to the store to get some stuff for the weekend, food and snacks. Fuel for in between our sexcapades. Did I just say that out loud? I am so totally excited, getting away with him is going to be the best time. He did screw my tree back in the wall for me. All manly and stuff. Yep. Boys are good at screwing stuff. That man does it for me alright. And as long as I keep doing it for him, we'll be perfectly happy!

I keep forgetting to mention my dream about the man. I dreamt I was in the hospital, and there was a serial killer on the loose, hacking up patients left and right. I remember thinking I was trapped and I couldn't leave and I was going to be murdered, and in on a white horse (well ok, there wasn't a horse) came the man, and he picked me up and carried me away. He totally rescued me from being murdered. How adorable is that? He's my heeeero.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Random Dream...1..

I use to dream a lot. I havn't much lately. I blame drugs. Sleeping pills. I've been taking them again so I don't wake up terrified.

Well, I had extremely disturbing dreams last night. I was in on killing someone!!!! I kept waking up and dreaming it again!!!! It all started with me being pissed at a citgo worker, who pushed me and didnt apologize, I went off on her and wanted to speak to the manager, and she was so freaking rude to me. The confrontation escalated and escalated....

Then I was at a friends house, and we "accidentally" killed this guy and hid the body by sitting in front of it. He was on the couch, dudes dad came home so we thought covering his head would disguise the fact that we had "accidentally" shot him in the head

Then I just ran and ran and thought I got away with it. Then later I got in my car and all I remember was a boom and not feeling anything....

I was dead, only I wasn't. I was injected with something to make me look dead Then, my car exploded. And I was running from someone. I dunno who. My friend Stephanie (that I havn't seen for like 8 years) drove me away fast, and rolled the car, so I was in an accident, on top of being shot, and playing dead. I remember feeling it flipping.

Cat Wrangling...

I woke up this morning, to a demolished Christmas tree. Fucking cats. What's worse, is the cats successfully knocked over the tree, and made it back into bed before I got up, to snuggle ever-so-innocently on my pillows, fooling me into givin them lovins in the morning. Cat's are hella sneaky that way! The whole thing was wrecked. The top fell off. Half the ornaments. The ribbon all mussed, and hanging. I mean, let's face it.. it's just not Christmas unless the cats can get the tree to fall over. I even wired the bastard to the wall with a big ass screw! I'm gonna see if the man can find a better way to secure it. Men are good at that sorta thing. Plus, I can maybe watch him flex his muscles and stuff, and that's freaking hot!

The cats, also climbed up onto a tupperware bin, and peed on my mail. Seriously. The bin is in the laundry room by the litterboxes. That's kinda how I feel about the bills too, but what the fuck did I do to piss them off? I worked out two nights in a row, giving me even less time to love and adore them. That's my only guess. I clean their damned litter every day! I can see them all plotting my demise while I sleep. "She's fucking neglecting us! We could starve or something! What if she forgets the food? What will happen if we aren't properly petted for hours? I havn't heard how adorable I am for several hours. We'll show that bitch! Meow..Purr..lick.."

I survived another night at the second job. I've been busting ass to make as much as I can. No more slacking folks! I also got Friday off. I might have had to make something up about an outpatient procedure. I don't wanna get canned over having a getaway with my man. Although..I suppose there's worse things I could get canned over.

Ummm, has anyone else kept taking the pill to skip a period? Cus, I did it before on the old pills, and no problem. With the pill from hell (Desogen) I still have sore boobs and crampage. What...the fuck? Can this pill suck anymore? Should I shut up before something else happens?

Tonight I get to see my super cute man. And we're gonna go get supplies for the weekend. So we'll have more time for fun this wknd. If you catch my drift. Ahem. Eeeek!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Checkin' Yer Reality..

Happy anniversary to me. I've been at my job for one year today. One year. All I get is a crappy certificate that says my name and one year on it. It's all not exciting at all. You know what would be exciting? A raise. But, I havn't even gotten so much as a meeting request to even hint at the fact that I might be having a review any time soon. I have PMS. I'm a downer. Even though, I started my new pill pack before having a period, so I don't have one. It's due right smack dab in the middle of my freaking birthday weekend. And..no one is stifeling my sexcapades with the man. Not even mother nature.

Last night at the second job, one of the girls comes in and says "I see you're still here". I said "why wouldn't I be?" I thought she thought I quit or something since I missed Thursday and Friday last week. She told me they laid a bunch of part timers off on Friday. I said maybe I just hadn't gotten my walking papers yet? They told me when I hired back in that it would be temporary 3-6 months. It's only been two. I need that extra month. At least! I havn't done one thing but try to get caught up with my money. Nothing. So I sat and waited all night and never got "the letter". I do know that some of the people that are gone, worked less hours than me...or less days. Your suppose to work 20 hours, in 5 days. We'll see.

So, I turned my heat down last night, and lurked in the darkness again. I have to save money. It's pretty sad. I'm trying not to let it get me down. Looking for yet another part time job, doesn't thrill me. The thought of getting a roomate? Thrills me less. Even more when I consider my brother. *cringe* The only bad thing about that, is that I'd be stuck with him until one of us died. And, as mean as that may sound, it's totally true

On the way home from the second job I thought for sure I was going to win the lottery so I bought $5 in scratch off's. I won $1. *Sigh*. When I get down I workout. Even though my house is a wreck, and I still feel a little like ass.. I opted to work out last night. I only did 35 min/2 miles. I did a deep incline, and jogged the whole time. When I was done I felt like I was gonna barf. Not such a great idea I guess. But I felt better.

I have been at the 50lb mark (give or take 3-4lbs each week I gain it, and lose it) for about a month now! It's depressing, but at least I havn't gained, seeing how I sit on my ass for 14 hours a day, I'd say that's a pretty good accomplishment. I just have to trust that everything will work out with a job. If I get let go from the second job, then I do. I can afford to live on one job. It'll just be super tight, and my credit cards will not be paid off. If I just had those gone, I would have over $100 in my pocket each month. I'm holding on til February, when I get three paychecks from the first job. I will be able to get ahead. And then...I have to pray I don't owe taxes again this year, and maybe I can have some savings. I really believe my time will come. I've been struggling financially for over three years. Trying to pay my bills off, so I can buy a house and live comfortably. Dreams? I got 'em!

I guess the threat of losing the second job so soon, has put things into perspective. Stop trying to figure everything out right now. I'm not moving. And maybe that's a good thing. I will just stay put, and let life figure itself out. I'm kinda sick of doing it anyway.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Im surviving...

Today is my Momma's bday. Her best gift ever, is that 4 days after her birthday, she had a bouncing baby girl, named ME! What an awesome belated gift I am. Right?

I was a bit out of it for a few days. I felt sick on Thursday, thought maybe I had strep throat, and wasn't going to go to the Dr. until the girls at work told me I could get scarlet fever and die. Well I went, and it turns out I have tonsilitis. Who the hell gets that? The Dr. looked at my throat and said "OMG you have tonsilitis have you seen your throat?" I said yea. It was pretty nasty. He said "do you work with kids?" I said "I work with the mentally handicapped" and he said "they probably don't wash their hands" I said "probably not". I mean, if you pick and eat your ear wax, chances are you don't wash your hands after picking your nose.

My neck was visibly swollen. The entire tonsil was packed with white and gray puss. The right one was swollen so bad I could hardly swallow pills. WTF? Mmmmm. It Felt like I was chewing on glass. Friday I called off work(s). I slept all day and popped about 16 Ibuprofin. Plus my amoxocillin. Today I feel a lot better, but I'm freaking tired, and my throat hurts. Bleh. So much for watching what I eat this past week. I had a 32 oz milkshake, tons of popsicles, and ice cream. And I did nothing but lay around on the couch and sweat.

I still kicked it on Saturday. Not as much as I'd have liked to, but I still had a killer time. I went out for my birthday to the bar. Kat got me a cake! And, hello kitty plates and napkins! I also got hello kitty string lights, and towels from her and Amster...and..wine. Bubba got me some yummy candles. I loves presents! Of course...I got to spend the evening with my man as well. I also had a visit from an olllld friend I hadn't seen in so long! Good times!

Yesterday me and the man watched Harry Potter, and cuddled on the couch and then went to his house for dinner, and to trim the tree. I had a good time as usual. We had lots of laughs. Which hurt my throat, but who can complain? It still sucks to leave him, and I hate it. But, maybe one day I'll get use to it. He said if we stop missing each other, it's time for us to move on. I dunno, I kinda think it's cruel to miss someone this much.

P.S. Lost comes out tomorrow on DVD. Can a Tuesday be any more exciting?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

They Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage...

All day yesterday? I thought about having sex with the man. It's his fault. When I got home, he was there already, we kissed, and the rest is history. I mean, seriously folks, this is what coming home is suppose to be like. First of all, I couldn't wait to see him. Second of all? We have amazing sex. I can remember a time when I dreaded going home, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. What I also don't want to feel again? Like I don't want to have sex. I quite enjoy it. CP and me had a pretty crappy sex life. If you can even call it that. Now that I know how it can be, I'm forever spoiled.

As usual we had a pretty good conversation. Marriage. Kids. He said that he's dated girls that say that's what they want right off the bat, and he would ask them why they wanted that and they had no response. I can relate to this, people want it because you're "suppose to" want it. It's exactly the reason I got married. It was the next "logical" step. We were together for five years, so depsite the fact that our relationship pretty much sucked, we decided it was a good idea to get married. Cus that is what was expected. Same reason people think I'm nuts when I say I don't want kids. "But...but, you're suppose to".

I can say that I know I want to be married, but it's not that if it doesn't happen I will be devastated. I guess I should say, I want the kind of love that will bring marriage without a second thought, it shouldn't be a question in my eyes. And kids? I doubt I ever decide I want them. But I also know that I've never loved anyone enough to want to have their children. The idea scares the crap out of me. Everything from the pregnancy, childbirth, to 18 years (plus) of being responsible for another life.

But I have looked at the man, and thought....I could have his babies. Don't freak out. I'm not stupid. Nor have I completely lost my mind. I've just never thought that. The ex husband wanted to make me want to have his babies, but luckily I didn't fall for it. To me, it's only a sign of how much I love him. I still don't think the kids thing is going to change. And, I sure as hell didn't tell the man that I had those thoughts. Boys have a way of hearing what they want. And I think he may get the wrong idea. Or stop having sex with me. Both, could be horrific!

So, in the long run, I told the man that I think he hasn't been divorced long enough yet. I'm pretty sure I had the same feelings about marriage for a while. You have a bad experience, and that's what you remember. Like bad service at a restaurant. The food could be great. And, that waitress could be long gone, but you still remember that one time you went there, and the service really sucked. When people ask you to go there it's the first thought on your mind "oh, I had really shitty service there, no thanks". But in time, you go back, and have a positive experience. I think if it's meant to happen for us it will. When the time is right. What I do know, is that I am madly in love with him, and that's enough for me.

One of the billion things that relationships have taught me, is that you have a right to be picky. I dated several people who were not good to me at all. And instead of standing up for what I wanted for myself, I somehow rationalized it into being OK, simply because I was afraid to be alone. On the flip side of that..there is always another guy. Sometimes you think there will never be anyone else. But they always come along. And as long as you learn from your mistakes, they are progressively better. I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I found a "prince".

BTW...I think the man has cured the mess on my face. He told me the medicine the Dr. gave me was for something else and if I was allergic to the pill I should use an allergy cream, so I got one, and its almost gone! It's not puffy and peeling like it has been. Imagine that. He's pretty handy. I might have mentioned that.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Take Me Home, Country Road...

Whoever thought up that song was a total fucking moron. A moron, who obviously lived somewhere it doesn't snow. Which is a lie because it's about WV. I know all about driving through the snow in WV. Not fun. So, yea it snowed. It probably snowed like, three stinking inches. Nothing major. You would think that knowing the forecast called for snow, they would have maybe plowed or salted the roads, but you have a brain. I love the fact that where I live, they try to make me pay taxes even though I pay taxes where I work. No other place does that around here. I bet the fact that I don't pay my taxes, is why they havn't maintained the streets. It's probably all my fault. I'd love to send them a letter with their monthly bill that says maintain the god damn streets and maybe I'll pay you. I probably wouldn't but that's besides the point.

Most of the time I enjoy rural living. The peaceful cornfields. The amish. The lack of traffic, and sirens. I don't miss the crowds everywhere you go. But today? Today makes me want to move to the city. Even more than I have been thinking about. Honestly, as soon as I crossed the county line, the roads were fine. On the way? About 10 cars off the road. Three of which were on the way to the interstate, I live 2 miles from the highway. It took me an hour to get to work. I work 20 min from home. Half hour with traffic. Hour with snow. I'm so over this bullshit. Yet another sign to get the fuck outta there. I've been looking. Seriously - as soon as I find something, I'm out. That bitch landlord can shove it up her ass.

Bonus? First snow trip in the new car not too bad. I was worried because my old car had the auto traction thing to prevent slipping. I think the newer tires on the new car make up for that loss.

Good news. I lost 2 of the 4lbs I gained at Thanksgiving. This is due to the fact that I actually got off my ass this week and worked out Monday. Then, I worked out last night at 11:30. What sucks about working out at 11:30 is I was up til 2:30 like it was nothin. This morning, I'm freaking exhausted. No pain no gain. I want to lost 5 more by my birthday. I don't ask for much.
My second interview is at 3 today. I'm going to "make some copies" or something while I'm "missing" from my desk. I'm sorta nervous but I think I'll save that for if I land an "in-person" interview. Another coworker had an interview yesterday. And two other girls are actively looking. My department in a few months? Totally fucked.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Even Spell Check Hates Me...

My scope for today: There are too many elements of your life overlapping right now. The lines between separate social groups could be blurring, a coworker is suddenly making moves to get together outside of work, or a family member wants to come work where you work. When you concentrate on fulfilling your purpose in life, you end up helping out loved ones in the process. Learn to take care of yourself and you won't end up resenting others for not meeting those needs.

How true is that? This is definatly my scope today, and something I need to focus on. So, um,
hello, me? Leave me the hell alone already! I swear, my biggest gripe about me, is that I am so hard on myself! Seriously. I get home at 11 every night. Feed the pets, try to clean something, because there is always something to clean. Get a bath, and it's time for bed. I'm always exhausted, so I hardly ever get up in the morning to work out. I can't work out at night, I'm either too tired, or it makes me too awake so I'm up til 3 am then I get 3 hours of sleep to work 14 hours. I can't do everything I want to do. Yet, I'm the first to tell myself I am lazy for not working out. I simply have no time. When will I ever learn, I'm not superwoman? I think I must have been in another life. I hold myself to too high a standard.

On top of that, I'm trying to save money, pay my bills off, find a new job, and move. I'm still behind on everything from not being paid for a month from the second job too. I have my second interview tomorrow at the financial place. I got another call yesterday for an advertising firm as an assistant. The money seems way too good to be true, so it probably is. It's three times my current salary.

The power at my house keeps flickering. The electrician came out Saturday and didn't really fix anything. My brother said he thinks I can call the BBB to have an inspector come out for free. Landlord needs to do something about it. If the place burns down I'm sure she has insurance, and she wont care. She's trying to sell it anyway. So, I've been on the lookout for a new place. I am not having any luck. I pretty much need a house, and I can't afford one out where I work. I figure, once I get another job, the rest will fall into place. I have until March to move, but working two jobs, that will be hard to pack everything and find a place. But then again you know what? When I left the exes house, I was working the same hours, and I managed to pack up and move.

I keep thinking what would be involved in owning a cabin rental? Or a duplex, and living in half? Of course, I'd need a handyman...I might know where one of those is. But seriously, it could be fun, it's expensive to rent those cabins....hmmmm.

While spell checking a report I typed up, I notice it's catching every word as an error. I'm like, what is wrong with 'each'? What's wrong with 'we'? What's wrong with 'talked'? Somehow my fucking spell check turned to Spanish. Now, everything really IS mexican. What the fuck? I set the default to English, and it's still checking in Spanish. Why, does spell check hate me?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Fa La La La La....

I trimmed the tree on Friday. You know what's mildly depressing? Putting up your tree by yourself. That was a first. I did however, do so while watching a Beavis and Butthead marathon, and drinking wine. So, it could've been worse. At least I laughed. I wired the tree to the wall. Last year, it fell over twice. Screw that mess. I only put up one tree. And, I only put out a few decorations. I have tubs of stuff, but I don't feel like messing with it all. It's too much work, and I have no time. I was up til 4 am as it was.

I got my hair did on Saturday. Where my hairdresser and I discussed boob jobs. She met the man last time I went, so she proceeded to tell me that we'd have adorable children. I told her to shut the fuck up, that's not happening. You don't joke about those things. If you let that info out into the universe, that's bad news!

Saturday night I went to the man's family function. It was a grand opening of a store. It was pretty nice, the food and wine was yummy, and I like any time I get to spend with him. No shit? However, it did snow ice, and I had planned on going home due to the dog being on medicine, and I didn't feed the pets in preparation, and my neighbor wasn't home to do it. The man wanted me to stay cus it wasn't safe to drive home. Then he said he'd follow me if I wanted to go. It was kinda cute, I don't remember anyone really caring about my well being like that. I dated some real assholes mkay?

I wanted to go cus I felt guilty abandoning my pets that way, but I didn't want to leave him. I don't even know why, but I got upset. Girl at work told me it's cus I'm so in love and everything is magnified. I dunno, it's so unlike me, but it seems like I'm forever crying over stuff. Not like I'm sad, but I just didn't want him to be upset with me I guess. And, it was sort of the fact that he cared enough about me to not want me to leave. One thing is for sure, it certainly does suck living far apart. He asked me why I was crying yesterday. I felt like an ass.

Anyway, it all worked out in the end. He got me clothes to wear and made me little cups for my contacts. I fell asleep on the floor, and his friend was on the couch, so I ended up leaving around 8 am Sunday, cus I was so uncomfortable, and needed some rest. He came to my house later in the evening, and did the cutest thing ever. He got me those things for the animals that you put a lot of food/water in and it lasts forever. So, if I got stuck away from home I wouldn't have to worry. Him understanding how much I love my pets=awesome. Have I also mentioned that he doesn't complain about them? He's a keeper, that one!

He stayed the night with me, and we cuddled on the couch and watched Harry Potter. I made him coffee for in the morning. I wanted to get up with him, but I had to get up to work out at 6, and I knew I wouldnt get up if I got up at 4:30. I sure could get use to having him around. I miss him so much when we're apart. Sigh.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Slumlord. Part 2...

I swear. You would think I live in the ghetto. I lost my power last night. Of course the first thought is....my bill's overdue, they shut my shit off! I work two jobs. Yet, am afraid my powers shut off? Is this sad or what? No one else lost power. I saw lights at the neighbors. But most people are asleep at 12:45 am.

It started Monday, when I had a space heater on, and I was drying my hair and flipped my power out in two rooms. Nice. I made my way to the garage and flipped the breaker. All by my lonesome. (I rock!) Poof, power's back!

Then, on Wednesday the neighbor called to tell me the whole building was without power. Nice. My lights had all been flickering off and on for a few days. Electric company came out, problem solved. Last night, about 12, I'm drying my hair, and the power goes out. All of it. I flipped the breakers. Nothing. After crawling around in the dark on all fours. Seriously, to find a small pen light I was playing with the cats with..I called the power company who took about an hour and a half to call me back. Meanwhile I envision my freezing to death with no heat. And wonder, how my brother can stand it, when he doesn't even have windows to close at his house.

They talk me through going OUTSIDE in the sub-zero weather, to flip my main breaker. It was kinda hard to do because the thing looks bout 80 years old. Neighbor said her power was half out last night, and the heat was off.

So, yea. The landlord moved to NC, and pretty much abandoned us. Remember when the power to my dryer plug went out? And she had some ghetto-ass electrician come and do this?

So, let's see if the landlord has our electric fixed. Just like she has our driveway plowed in the winter. Then the time I almost lost my car? I can hardly wait. Maybe this is more reason for me to move. I've been looking, but havn't found anything I can afford. And if I can afford it, there's NO PETS allowed. Bite me.

And another thing. I didn't get paid from the second job, in my bank account. They made me sign up for direct deposit 3 weeks ago. And I had a check last night...and no one told me. Fucking assholes! I hate that place!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Vibrations...

Ok, ok, so I might be a little crazy. The man and I had a great conversation last night about CP. And it wasn't the type where he was downing him, or telling me what to do, it was a real live conversation about what I could take away from the situation, and what I could ignore. I swear, that boy never ceases to amaze me. You know, I am going to marry him one day. I havn't said that in a while, so I wanted to be sure you all still remembered. It's insane how good for he is for me. I remember a coworker telling me that when we first started talking he seemed like the kind of guy who would bring out the best in me, and help me achieve my goals by supporting them. Seriously. She's dead-on! Oh, the crazy part. He fell asleep on the couch while we were watching Shrek the halls....and I took a picture of him sleeping. Does that make me crazy? I don't think it does. He had the most adorable sleepy face, and I had to capture it. I left him sleep too, since we DID have a great workout. Twice. P.S. I've looked at his sleeping picture about 5 times today. I might be crazy. Or, I might just be in love.

I spent the morning in a warm bed with a snuggly man, who I happen to also be madly in love with. I had car trouble. It was cold out you know. I also happened to get some awesome advice on my phone interview today. He gave me a great pep talk, and it really put me in the right frame of mind! He is an amazing guy. He also happens to have the nicest ass I've ever had the pleasure of looking at. I couldn't ask for a better person. I know how lucky I am and it's my goal to never let him forget that I know.

So, the interview? Fabulous! The recruiter was really easy to talk to, and I was able to be myself. I had all the answers to the questions he asked, like what I thought the job entailed...which he said impressed him. (I only read the description a bazillion times)At the end he said he thought I did very well and he wanted me to move forward in the process, and scheduled me an interview next Wed. Another phone interview. This one he said would be more specific. I got a twelve page application. Twelve. Pages. I have to fax it to the lady who will be interviewing me.

I have to do some homework for the next one. You have to work for what you want. So, it's worth it! The money is right, plus you get bonuses, and if you enter the mentoring program (mentor other people in your position) you make more money. Plus, there is like 8,000 branches of this place worldwide. I could go anywhere if I needed to. I told him I would travel up to 40 miles. I could work 1 job. Say what? Send me your positive vibes! I may start the new year with a new, more challenging job....where I use my brain and stuff, like, oh my god!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Letting Things Go..

So, I've been working on this whole enlightenment thing. Which, I think is going to be a long journey for me, but so long as I stay on the path, I'll be happy with myself. I said before that Wayne Dyer said to him to be enlightened, is when you realize everyone is on their own path. Basically you let people be themselves. Give up power over what you have no control over. This is hard for me. But I have found, that when I am happy in my life with myself, it comes natural.

When I let other people ruffle my feathers, and get under my skin, I would tend to turn anger outward onto them. When really, I need to look at how I handle the situaton. This is hard. But, I've been doing it for a while now. One thing I learned in counseling that has stuck with me, is that just because something is important to me, doesn't mean it's important to other people. I can't expect someone to fold towels the way I do. If I want them folded a certain way...I do it myself and don't complain. I know I got this part of my character from my Momma. Not that I'm blaming her, but you learn what you live. My Mom wanted things "just so" and I have a bit of that in me too.

What brings this up, is that CP sent me a link to his blog. So, naturally, I went to read it. Which is basically a place where he is writing his journal entries from when he was in rehab. I understand the purpose of blogging, and that his perspective is his. What bothers me is that I have let it tick me off. It's amazing how you can have such different perspectives in life. I understand, he is on his own path. His view, and opinion of our time together is his own. It's not right or wrong.

However, it was my understanding that I was helping him out, letting him stay with me. While he never paid me a dime. He wrote that I didn't like to help people financially because if I could make it anyone can. Well.....? I saw it as...why should I work two jobs while you sit on your high, unemployed ass and do nothing? I had every right to be pissed off. We agreed he would pay me and he didn't. He also wrote, that I would recover from his owing me $3-$400 because I'm use to being disappointed by him. Is there any question why we broke up last year? Most addicts are like that. They suck the life out of you. Take whatever they can from you and never think about how you are struggling. Only that they are hurting for drugs.

My being pissed off, and ultimately kicking him out? I think this comes with having boundries. I was learning what mine were this past year, and starting to stick to them. I guess he hasn't reached this point in his own personal journey, and so I have to let it go.

Letting him stay with me and my brother was my fault. Insanity. You know, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I'm learning. Little by little. I'm getting my shit together more every day. I can now understand my fault in the whole situation. A few months ago, I would have blamed him still. I'm over that part, and I am letting it go.

I also emailed him and asked him (yet again) to change his address from my house, because I am tired of receiving his mail.

I get to see my man tonight, and I'm soooo excited! It's hard to go one day let alone TWO without seeing him. If you don't know the feeling. I feel for you. Seriously. Go out and get yourself a hottie like mine. Oh, I know it's not that easy. Trust me there!

I saw Saw IV Friday with Kat. Good. Fucking. Movie! I can't wait to see it again...the ending was sort of confusing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Bah Humbug...

I was way too busy to update Monday. You know, give people a couple days off, and the world seems to fall apart. Pffft. Today we have a three hour meeting. Three. Hours.

I have a phone interview Thursday with a major financial company. One that would give me the freedom to move around if need be. The office I'm interviewing for is in my old hometown. I'm sure the phone thing is a weeding process, and hopefully I make it through that one and onto the next stage. There were a billion times to sign up for when I applied. I think I may enjoy the job, its as a manager of sorts, and it sounds like I could use my skills, and move up with the company.

You know, my face is still a mess? Now, of course, it's not as bad as it was, but it was almost cleared up when I was on my last week of "the pill pack" because I wasn't taking the damn pill. The stuff I have to put on it to make it go away is about in the laugh lines spot on my face, and it's drying my face out so bad, I have permanent wrinkles! This, is war! If those fucking dicks at planned parenthood don't change my script, someone is going down! Fo' show! I mean, you can do a lot to me before I get pissed, but giving me wrinkles? That'll cost me thousands in the long run to undo! Bastards! I'm telling them I've been blowing chunks for weeks and I need a new script!

Because I like to share, here is what I witnessed at the second job. I'm sitting facing an open office, where this one girl scans jobs. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her cus I felt watched. Turns out she was watching me to see if I was looking at her. Because, I witnessed her dig her finger in her ear.....inspect her finger for a while....and then stick that finger in her mouth and eat her ear wax. Biting the nail and everything. She isn't visibly retarded, and they have her running this big scanning machine. So, I think she's just nasty with no excuse!

I booked a nice cabin for me and the man to stay at for my burfday! (Which..is in um, 17 more days people) I'm so excited, I get to spend TWO nights with him, that alone is a slice of heaven. The place I got has three bedrooms, so we have plenty of area to cover. A fireplace, full kitchen, and a jacuzzi! Guess who is going to have a memorable birthday? That'd be me! Yup! Mmm hmm! Guess who gets to remember it with with the sexy man who rocks her world? Yep, me again! The more I think about things, the more it kinda sucks to not be me. Unless you like your job. Then, maybe you have one thing I don't. And then again, it's just a job. I'd rather be happy in all the other aspects of my life. Which, I am. So, I'm not jealous if you and your stupid job. Piss off!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Well At Least I'm Not THIS Girl...

I leave you with this fun for the weekend. Before, and after 50 lbs. I really can't believe I lost
50 lbs. It looks like it when you compare photos. I still have 20-30 more to go, but I'm quite happy with the results so far. Be kind. I'm not this girl anymore thank god. I sure treated myself like total shit! It's hard to find fat pics. Cus I avoided the camera!

This was me in August 2006.

This is me This month, November 2007

This is winter 2006. Debatable if it is February or November.
(nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll)
uh, yea, horizontal stripes rock on a big girl!

This is October 2006. Nevermind the boob thing. It's how we roll.

Some day I'll have better photos. Like, of me swimming in my size 18 pants. Yea. I said it. Cus it'll never be me again! But I was bored at work so I decided to get something up here. Especially since today I'm feeling lardy!

Post-Turkey Day

Well. I opted not to weigh myself this week. Since, I only worked out once. And, I ate quite a lot of bad things. It's a whole new week starting this weekend, so we'll nip 'er in the bud. Mostly I just feel bloated. Too much sodium. Bleh. I'm over it! I'ts only temporary. Moving on!

Who's working today? Anyone...? Anyone...? I am. Me, and the rest of the secretaries. Who has a phone interview next week for a financial company and a way better position? Me. Who applied to work at corporate for a major restaurant chain? Me. Who wants to make more money? Me. I'm so sick of being an hourly employee. Clocking in and out. Waiting a YEAR for vacation. A billion other things. With the size of the company I work for, you would think I'd make bank. But I don't.

I had a splendid time on turkey day with the man's family. Me and the man had a miscommunication I suppose. But of course I called my Momma upset, who told me that he has boundries, and I am forgetting mine, and I'm over reacting. When the hell did I become so fracking emotional? Seriously? I have never been like this. It's really strange to me. I guess I'm still getting to know all the changes in myself. Being so head over heels about someone doesn't help in the emotion department I guess. Talking to my Momma did help I guess. I just have to learn what advice to take, and which to ignore. *ahem*

And, everything was perfection on Thursday. I got there about 9 am, which means someone didn't get to sleep in on her day off work, and got up at 7am. The family was super nice, and I offered to help a lot so I felt more comfortable around them. I made my ever-popular peanut butter pie, and people ate it. Which was a good sign! The man's dad had me oil the turkey. Have I ever mentioned how I pretty much despise touching raw meat? Yea, cus it makes me wanna hurl. Now, that's love.

The turkey was yummy! Everything was good! I even got to spend some quality time with the man, and it was long overdue. I'm pretty high maintenance where the quality time is concerned. I just wanted to kiss his lips off! Well, we also went thru music, and he burned me some CD's which I'm listening to at work!

I didn't get any rest. I started to doze off around 11 watching a movie, and he was snoring ever-so-adorably on my lap, so I took off. I made it home in 45 minutes, which was pretty good for me. Then I was up til 1:30 reminicing about how cute my man is, and how I can't stand leaving him, and I can't wait until I don't have to anymore. I know things will happen as they are meant to. It's gotten me this far, so I just have to trust in that.

Did everyone eat buckets of food, and have a nice family arguement?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I'm thankful for the fact that I don't have to work tomorrow. At either job! I'm also thankful for the fact that I don't work the second job on Friday. So, it's almost like a vacation. Almost, but not quite. I wore a stupid-ass Brown's sweatshirt, so I could wear jeans. You know, like in Office Space. "Friday is hawaiian shirt day! So, you can wear a hawaiian shirt...and jeans". It's the little things that make us paper pushers happy. New ink cartridges?! Awesome! Jeans day?! Look! We got different colored kleenex boxes!

What I'm not thankful for, is last night at the second job? They had me doing a job the tards do. Shut it about being politically correct, I don't care. They get paid an hourly rate, to hit 1 button. I don't. The job scans into the system, but can't read numbers or letters and it "flags" them. You hit a button. "1"..."g"...You get about 200 keystrokes per job. Normally, i get about 15,000. This means that I made 5.89 per hour last night. And that was only because I did my regular jobs for 2 hours. I made $7 for the 2.5 I did the tard work. You know, I made like $3 an hour my whole shift. Is that legal? I was totally pissed. They were behind so they had a bunch of us doing it. That shit didn't even pay for the gas for me to drive out there, and it's gonna fuck up my average hourly rate too! But that's messin up my positive post about being thankful and stuff.


I'm also thankful for Tara who is going to feed my poochie for me tomorrow and give her med's so I can go to the man's tonight and be in manly bliss! We're gonna go out for a while, and then I'm spending the holiday with him. Ack! It may be less stressful on me if I'm already there. We'll see. But tonight after work(s) I have to rush home, bath the dog (twice) bath myself (once) get myself ready, make two pies, pack my shit, and get the hell outta dodge!

Then, I'm thankful for my life, which as much as I complain, isn't bad at all. I really am lucky to have the friends I have who support me even if I'm sometimes irrational, and they always want me to be happy. A family that I can be myself with and they still love me. The fact that I know myself, and where I've been, and where I'm going. And a boyfriend that happens to be the sexiest man to ever live. He makes me smile, and laugh, and gives me the butterflies and tinglies just thinking about him. When I'm with him, I feel like the most special girl in the world, and he's everything I've ever wanted. Forever wouldn't be long enough. Sniff sniff.. *sigh*. Yea, I've got it pretty good!


I'm thankful the fucker that rear-ended me on my lunch break, didn't smash up my nice new car. Or make me hit the guy in front of me. And, it appears the damage may just need buffing.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I've always had a great sense of responsibility. Pride. Great work ethic. Of course, it's not the same as it once was, after being laid off the last job, I realized, that work is work and I don't really give a shit about it like I use to. But still, it does come before most things in my life. Unfortnately.

Where does the sense of responsibility stop, and self preservation begin? It's very possible, that my brother will be going back into the hospital, for another skin graft. Not because he is a poor healer. Or, it didn't take right the first time. Because he did it to himself, by the way he lives, and what he does to his body. I think I am the only one who really see's this for what it is. I remember when my mom was going to Al-anon when we were growing up, and she was getting into "tough love" and we would tell her how mean she was, and she said it wasn't that she is being mean at all. She hung up this sign that said "You have the freedom of choice, but not of consequence".

This goes for my brother. He chooses to live the lifestyle he does. He chooses to go to the bar and drink all his money away. He chooses to not have a car. He chooses to work at a restaurant when he is really smart, and can do anything he wants. He chooses to not care about himself. Those are choices he makes, because they are easier than trying to better yourself.

I did all I can do for him, and I'm at a point in my life where I come first. I have spent the last couple decades, putting myself on the back burner, for the needs of others. It wasn't even in a healthy exchange. I was just taken advantage of, and I let it happen. I'm still young enough to be able to enjoy my life. And I plan to. I can't however enjoy my life, when I work 60 hours a week. Working from 8am-10:15pm 5 days a week. I can't keep doing it. These are suppose to be the best years of my life. Do I HAVE to do it? No. But I want things for myself that require me to pay my bills off. So I do it.

Having my brother stay with me, put me further into debt. Prevented me from paying off any bills for 4 months. I realize, he is family. I love him. I care about his well being. But while I struggled working two jobs, trying to support the both of us, he did nothing to help. Instead, complained about the food I bought. The fact that I had no cable channels. Didn't take him anywhere. He wouldn't even fill out paperwork to get food stamps to help us out. Had no desire to learn how to budget his money, and ran up our phone bill to over $200, and watched me have a nervous breakdown....without so much as an "I'm sorry".

I am 31 years old. I don't have kids, because I enjoy my freedom. I'm too busy working on myself, and bettering my own life, to be concerned with caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves. I know in my own heart, this doesn't make me a bad person. I know, that sometimes you have to hit the absolute bottom before you can come up. I had mine about 8 years ago. When I lost "everything" at once. No one could make me see what I did to myself. What I allowed to go on around me. When you are in your own bubble, you have to see it for yourself, and the same is true for my brother. He has to ask for help. He has to see that he needs it. And until then, I am going to live my life like I have been doing. I stressed all night about what to do about him. But you know what? I bet my brother was having a jolly time at the bar, not worrying one bit about what he would do. And, theres something wrong with that.

Until he decides he wants to better himself, and ask for the help he needs, I'm not responsible for him, and I'm ok with that.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Million Dollar Doggie...

I'm so tired. This morning, I tried to put deoderant on my toothbrush. I'm perpetually tired. I never get enough sleep. I guess it doesn't help that I spent time being upset last night. But let's not get into that, nothing bad happened. It's just my stupid heart. Motherfucker get's in the way sometimes!

Saturday, I woke up at 9am. When was my vet appointment? 9 am. I had to call and lie that I was running behind, and I made the 30 min drive to the vet in about 15 minutes. The dog, cost me $241. She had a total overhaul. I took her to the exotic hospital where I take the rabbit. Cus, they do their own testing, and my old vets nice and all but, old school. Anyway, they scraped her skin twice and made her bleed to see if she had bacteria, or mites or something. Because she stank. And when I say stank, I mean, my entire house has smelled like the dog for months. It doesn't go away.

The dog's new medicine arsenal is this, two shampoos every other day. So in addition to the billion other things I have to do after work at 11pm, now I have to give the dog a 45 minute bath. Love it. She's on antibiotics for a month, for her upper respiratory and nasty skin. Steroids for her itching. Wipes for her face/ears because, she has a yeast infection of the entire body, and some bacterial infection on her stomach. A new eye medication that she will be on daily forever in addition to her already daily eye medication. And fish oil capsules.

The good news is, after one round of all the medications, she feels better! Yesterday, when I got home she was doing her little doggie dance. And she was eating like a horse! She's worth it. I told her I had to work two weeks at my second job to pay for her vet visit but she could care less.

Basically all the plans I made with the man this weekend fell thru. We still had a good time though! We went to dinner, and went to see American Gangster. Yesterday we went to the store (aaaah) and got stuff to make yummy breakfast, which was fun, cooking with the man. Cus, you can do fun stuff like grab his junk, and bask in his many skillz. We cuddled all day and watched movies, and it was heavenly! I just want to be with him forever. I don't really think that forever even seems long enough.

I'm pretty unhappy at the old J-O-B. Job hunting on my lunch. My ring came in however, and that makes me smile!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Assessing My Fit-ness...

It's Friday. Normally this is where I shock everyone with my weight loss. (silence) But, we see, I did that earlier this week because I gained the week before, and I couldn't wait to see if I lost. Anyway, I did maintain the 3lb loss, and am still at a 50lb deficit today.

I also got my December Fitness magazine in the mail. Which, was a gift subscription from Kat, and they keep asking me to subscribe to it. That happened when Heather got me a gift subscription of Glamour, and they quit sending it. Flippin' rip off, ok? Anyway, in Fitness, there is a assessment you can do, to test your fitness level. For the aerobic endurance, I was in the mid-level for that section. You did things like, time your mile (15 min, thankyouverymuch) do the stairs 6 times and take your heartbeat, jumping jacks timed etc..Mid level! I know skinny people who couldn't hang with that shit, I'm awesome!

Then there was a flexibility one, and apparently I'm quite limber..above average! The man said I am...*ahem* but seriously, I didn't think I was any more than average. Taking this test made me feel really good about myself, and how far I've come! Alot of the time I still see/think of myself as fat. I have to constantly tell myself that isn't me anymore. This whole weight loss thing isn't easy people. It's 95% mental. Everything else is easy, if you get that under wraps. The mind is the most powerful tool you have, and it can be used for good, vs. telling yourself you suck, your fat, etc... Try it!

It helped that yesterday a coworker left her badge at home so I let her use mine, and she gave it back to me and said "Oh, my, god I can't believe how much weight you've lost since that picture, I never noticed you were that big" Yea, I lived with myself and I didn't notice either. I've decided when I hit 60 lbs is when I'm going to do before and after, cus thats my goal weight. Of course, I want to lose 10-20 more after that, but if I don't that's ok.

One good thing about working two jobs? The work week flies by! Another good thing? Fucking paychecks, hollaaaaa! I finally got paid. One month to the day after starting there. A shitty thing? Exhaustion. I got to work 15 minutes early last night. I set my phone alarm, and slept for 15 min in the car. That 15 minutes was heavenly.

I only have one more day to wait til I can see my man in his manly man-ness. *angels sing*. I smelled him in my bed last night, and boy he smells goooood! We're spose to go to dinner w/Katie and her husband, and to Columbus for his friends bday. Good times. I'm thinking, there might also be some sex in there, but I don't want to pretend to be too sure of it, cus then the man might not give it up. Yea.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Love is a Many Splendor Thing...

I was sitting here at my desk daydreaming. Staring at my wall thinking about the man. Then I had to go outside and cool off. Pretty funny how that works. I don't know what it is with him, but he definatley does "it" for me, that's for sure. It was so nice to spend the night with him. Of course, I mean the sleeping in the same bed with him, not just the sex. (but it's the kind that when it's over your like...wtf just happened? Oh yea...like that!) I love to be close to him. God, I hope I don't scare him off! It seems to be a mutual thing, so I don't think he's gonna run off. But then, no one ever said that men make sense. I mentioned again how in the past I've been accused of being "over-sexed" he said he thinks it's perfect. I hope he means that. Then again, it was only with the last one that said that to me. And CP was a pretty strange bird. We had it out about that topic a lot. A man? Not liking sex? Like in this post. (which looking back at...makes me wonder what the fuck was I missing at the time, to not know something bigger was going on?)

Then, the man asked me an interesting question. He asked me what love was to me. I don't know that I've ever really tried to put it into words before, and it was definately not easy. I said it's a feeling more than anything..trust, not fearing what will happen. I guess it's hard for me to distinguish, because it's "felt" different with every person I thought that I loved. I've never felt as intensley for someone before. This one tops the list. If I had to describe it, I'd say it's like there is a string that runs from my heart to his, and when it's pulled too thin (when we are apart) it sort of hurts.

Of course, love is trust. And honesty. And not letting your own issues get in the way of those two things, isn't always easy. Sometimes I let bad thoughts get into my head, but the difference between how I am now, and who I use to be, is that I can see that it's just stinkin thinkin. It's my own issues, creeping up, and I have no reason to feel them, so I shut it off. The old me, would have created havoc over this sort of thing. Love is being your own person, and knowing that its OK. Love is not jealousy. Love is letting the other person grow, and be who they are, and knowing that their love is true. Trusting that it is. Not doubting it.

But ultimately, it's a feeling. A wonderful feeling. One that I havn't felt in this way before. A lot of this is all new for me. The only other time I was remotely close to having this, was when I was married, but I didn't love myself. Having self love, on top of being in love, is a feeling everyone should experience. I'm still a work in progress too. I know, things can only get better for me.

I didn't answer all this to the man. But if I had to do again, I would simply say love is what I feel for him. I'm a very lucky girl to have met him. And I thank the universe every day for bringing him into my life. And that's the truth.

What is love to you?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'd like a job where I get paid to sleep.....

I didn't get off early last night. I also, got a new log on since mine quit working at the second job. The "big" boss was there. I said, "now, is this going to affect my pay, because you know I havn't been paid in a month?" He acted shocked when I told him the story. Whatever. I busted my freaking ass last night, and made 11.57/hr. Not too shabby for a part time gig. I also wrote the # of every batch I did, and am doing this from now on. Don't be fucking with my pay bitches. I work too hard for the shit! And, my hand hurt like a motherfucker! (the jobs I do are 99.9% numbers)

Tayray went over and aired my place out for me while I was at work so I could go back in safely and let the pets upstairs after the flea bomb. Then I worked out. I only did 45 minutes, but for the half hour I was on the treadmill I was running. Normally I walk fast/jog. I was running. I probably shouldn't have done it, because I had a hard time keeping my breathing steady, but I did it anyway. Trying to change my workouts a bit. Lose my final 20. 20 is nothing. If I continue to lose weight, I might try to stop smoking next. After I reach my goal. One thing at at time. Inch by inch.

By this time, it's midnight...when, I stripped my bed, washed and dried the sheets, comforter, pillows. Everything smells like my dog every couple of days. It's great fun. I swept the furniture, vaccumed, cleaned the bath tub, and sink, swept downstairs, did dishes, wiped the counters, dusted, and got a bath. Made rice and beef for the sick dog too. I was up until 2:30 though.

Remember when I worked these hours back in 2005/2006 and I did stupid shit like putting hair conditionor on for face lotion? I can see this in my future. I was sleeping at work again. It's an odd thing to do. Because I'm fully aware of my surroundings, and I don't stop typing, and I don't drop my head at all, but I jolt awake and think....."how long was I sleeping???" It's so freaking weird. I bet it's how people fall asleep at the wheel and crash, boom, bam! I get so tired on my way to the second job. But when I leave, I'm so happy... that I'm wide awake. Then.. working out so late, makes it nearly impossible to sleep no matter how tired I am.

I'm looking for a cabin or something like that to do for my birthday with the man. I wanna get away. Get the hell outta dodge. Have lots of sex, and drink a buttload of wine. What more does a girl need when she turns 32?

By the way. Officially, one month until my birthday. It's huge. So, you might want to start planning my suprise party, or, take up a collection to help get me out of the hole since I'm not receiving any pay for my work.

I also get to see that man tonight. I can't wait to give him a big hug, and kiss him, and smell him and touch him, and kiss him, and, well, you get the picture! I'm in love with this one!!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Flash Gordon...

I sat at work last night for half an hour not getting paid (notice a theme with the second job?) because my logon quit working. I asked if I could leave, cus they couldn't fix it. Why the hell I gotta sit there and not get paid? Hopefully they call me off tonight. Guess there isn't much work til one job is finished, and they called a bunch of folk off. I need a freaking break, wtf do I care? Not like I'm making any money.

So on my night off, I worked out, cut the dogs hair, mopped the kitchen, took trash down, carried a TV upstairs, mopped the laundry room, emptied (cleaned) the hot water tank, swept, cleaned litter boxes, had a bath, dishes, moved the pet food downstairs, and prepared for this morning. I was home for 3 hours before I went to bed. I'm the fucking queen of time management.

This morning, I set off a bomb. A FLEA bomb. Yes. I've got fleas. While I don't think it's quite an infestation yet, you can't be too careful when you have 6 pets. You have to nip that shit in the asshole. I bathed the cats over the weekend. That's a load of fun. I took a picture of one afterwards, and laughed at myself for the entire hour drive to see the man, because I couldn't wait to ask him if he wanted to see a picture of my wet pussy. Hee Hee...I'm so easily amused!

Did you know what a gentleman the man is? (I decided he's a man....so I should call him one) He opened my car door for me all weekend. I mean, seriously! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?

So, this morning, I locked everyone downstairs for the day which I'm sure they are going to just love. Fourteen hours of animal bliss. Of course the only one that's going to mind is Tai, she's the outcast.

I also achieved my goal of a 15 minute mile without dying. Normally, I do 3.6 miles in an hour, so it takes me over 15 min to do a mile. I was pretty proud of myself for getting there last night, and staying there the whole time, maintaining the incline, and form so I didn't hurt my knees or my back. I didn't feel like I was going to die. Though, if you were a fly on the wall you'd see that it wasn't so easy, and my whole body was sweating, and I said things like, "mother fucker" and "don't stop" along with heavy breathing. Yea... it was kinda like sex. On an incline. With sweat. Hell yea!

Then, when I weighed myself today, it happened. I hit the 50 lb mark. Angels sing!!! Let me state here, that 50 lbs is half of 100. Half of 100! That is a lot of weight. I don't know if I could even lift 50 lbs. I could almost lose 100 lbs and still be a functioning human being. Almost, but not quite. My goal, is only 20 more lbs, and 1 more size. I am so excited, I can't contain myself! All while working two jobs! I'm so fucking proud of myself. I rock. That's all there is to it. And, I deserve to toot my own horn, because I do a lot of shit every day, in addition to working 60 hours. Did I mention how I work all the time? Cus, I like to mention it. I'm also 100% drug free..unless you count my natural endorphines. And caffine. Lot's of caffine. But still.

Edit: I got myself this ring I had my eye on for the past year....for meeting my major goal. I said I'd buy me something. On my account. *gulp* It's tanzenite.

Monday, November 12, 2007

And Then, There's Monday...

Today is one of those days, that if you had super powers, you'd stop time, go back to bed, and forget happened. That, by the way is my super power of choice. Stopping time. For sleep. When you work all the time, that's all you think about. And sex. I could also stop time and work out, and clean my damned house. Perhapse even throw in taking advantage of the man while time is stopped. He'd never know the difference. Right?

My day? All I did was submit 5 travel requests for one of my VP's weeks ago. One came back needing ok'd. I didn't check it, because they never need ok'd 3 weeks out the way I submitted it. Turned out the guy called wanting approval last week or it would be canceled. My VP wasn't in the office. I got back to them Friday and it needed re-booked. Long story short, I've got both the dept managers, the divisional, and senior VP all involved, giving me shit about it because it cost the company more money. I really don't see what I did wrong, as I do this all the time with no problem. The travel guy claimed he left me 4 msgs and never heard back from me. Which is BS I contacted him twice.

It's apparently a huge deal. And, now, I'm going to get reemed about it. I've heard shit from everyone. Who needs this? Not me. I have enough stress. Like, how I work two jobs and still have no money to pay my car payment on Wednesday, because I still havn't gotten paid. I have no time to take my dog to the vet, who is now sick again. Nor do I have the money. Remind me again why I'm working 60 hours a week? Cus, it's kind of hard to remember. Seeing how I'm worse off than I would have been working 1 job.

The good news is that my physical health feels better. I have decided to blame it on lack of a healthy dose of the man. Because as soon as I saw him on Saturday, everything went back to normal. Why he gotta be affectin' my body that way? I dunno. I guess since it's fantastic being with him, it's worth the pain on the in between. *sigh*

We had a good time this wknd, we went out to eat with his friend and his girlfriend, and to the bar. I had this yummy draught cider. I could take a bath in it, and still drink the whole tub. It's that good. We just hung out on Sunday, and watched 1408. That was a good movie! We did have some time to ourselves which felt good. If you consider that I had to share him with two dogs, who also made themselves at home on his lap. How adorable is that? Pretty damned!

Also, Kat is back from Japan, which makes me happy because she will go out with me. I was so lonley without her. She's not allowed to leave me again. She did however get me some cool hello kitty stuff, and a bad-ass buddha! I also got a rock from the temple! I love my rocks man!

I'm going to look for another job.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Don't Hate Me Because...

First and foremost. I didn't hit 50lbs. In fact, I hit 47. Meaning, I GAINED two pounds. I blame my period for starting next week, and since I am a woman, and I have to deal with it every month I earned that right. Enough about it. It's not staying for long. Moving on.

I wouldn't consider myself a vain person. But, who the hell wants to walk around with scabby crusty shit on their face? And swollen lips? Not me! I've always been blessed with nice skin, and to have this stuff take over suddenly, has been detrimental to my self esteem. So I went to the Dr, without insurance (anyone want to adopt me? I do the dishes? Feed myself?) which cost me $60 bucks out of pocket for him to shine a light in my face for 5 minutes.

The conclusion? The pill can cause this sort of thing.

Dr: "can you live without it for two months?"

Me: "The pill??? Uh, no!"

Dr: "Right, I don't want you to get pregnant"

Me: "I don't want me to get pregnant either!!"

Then asked if my swollen lip could've been a cold sore. I said, I've never had herpes in my life! Gross!

So, I'm staying on the pill. Supposedly, if it's caused by the pill, it will subside by the second week into my next pack, which is in 3 weeks. All the crap should stop. Cramps, dizziness, headaches, ROSACEA! Nice!

Then I paid $79 for a prescription to clear it up. Yea, you heard me. I charged that shit. Massa-cawd say he don't care when I pay him back. Mmmm hmmm. Guess what 80 bucks'll get you? A 50% improvement on your crusty ass face, that's what! In a day it's better. Me likey!

The boy said the cutest thing, which is a total lie, but he said that the only thing he noticed on my face was my smile and his lips. Is this one adorable, or what? I am having other health issues. Like, my heart aches. And, to think about being in his presence again makes me squeal. Uh! And guess what? They wrote a song about him. Love the first line. Who wants to lock her man in the closet? Me!

I'm going to his house tomorrow, we're going out for his friends birthday. So, this means I'm not going to have my fill of him. If youknowhatimean.

I still havn't gotten paid for the second job. Calling the fucking assholes today. I am learning that to be an enlightened person, you understand that everyone is on their own paths in life. And they shouldn't bother you. That's where they are. This is where you are. Well...I mean, being nice and letting the world be the world is only ok for so long. Until it fucks with my income. Then we got problems!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Well, My Insides Don't Hurt Or Anything....

See me using positive thinking in my title? Thinking away the fact that I'm in pain? Yea, that's not working for me at all.

I won't bore you to tears with how sad I was last night that I didn't get to see my man cuz he is sick. And, how, for the first time since we started dating, it will be a week since we've seen each other, given we still see each other this weekend. *siiiiiiiiiiigh*. I might have cried, but I'm not seeing it as weakness. I'm seeing it as positive because I tend to hide and deny my feelings. So, having them is a personal victory for me. I would've taken care of him, cus that's how much I love him. I think this is a time where the distance thing really blows. And I'm over talking about it cus it's just gonna depress me.

Instead, I'll focus on the positive of the evening.

I got to go tanning. I can only go once a week, cus I work god-awful hours. It felt nice, and I had my quick nap which always seems to get me going! And I also got a real-live workout in! Meaning, yesterday I walked for an hour and a half total, and did a 1/2 hour of abs/weights. This made me feel fantastic. Not as fantastic as "working out with the boy". *ahem* And not quite as rewarding either. Oh well.

I have no cable. They shut my shit off. Sad, that I work so much and can't pay my bills. Oh yea, they didn't pay me at the second job. Silly girl. Yea, how's getting that paycheck going for you? It's not. End of discussion. I'm beyond pissed about it. But there is nothing else I can do to change it. So, what's meant to be will be. After all I went thru to get money to cover my rent, do you think she's cashed my check yet? No. Fucking. Bitch! I get paid tomorrow and I couldn have saved myself all the trouble of borrowing money. You live and learn!

I have horrid cramps. Which I will be discussing with the Dr. today. I didn't even have such bad cramps not being on the pill, and that's bad because I had baaaaaaaaad cramps! Want a pretty worthless birth control pill? Try Desogen. The only thing good I can say about it is I didn't gain weight. And that could just be because I work out regularly, I wouldn't give credit to that shit pill. Why oh why can't I get my tubes tied? Seriously....it's my freaking body!

I'm listening to a really good book at work. "Transformations" by Wayne Dyer. It's a lot of the same ideas as "The Secret" which if you don't know by now...I swear by. Only it's explained a bit differently. Same idea, in that you can change your life by your thoughts. But think of it like this. All we are, are our thoughts. Think about your past. You have feelings and memories about it...but it isn't tangible. You can't touch it. You can't hold it, they are thoughts. Only thoughts. But we deem them so powerful. Thoughts are powerful.

Think of people in your life. You don't have them in your mind, you have thoughts of them. Being upset about, or wanting to change the past in your own life, is just as useful as thinking about the Veitnam War, feeling bad about it, and wanting to change it. You can't change that, and you can't change your own past. It's pointless to try, a waste of energy. You should focus on positive thought, because it's all we have. Thoughts are that powerful.

He also goes on to talk about not fearing aging, because the only thing that ages is our "shell" not our spirit. And that we are not even in the same bodies we were in 7 years ago, all the cells have been replaced. Isn't that interesting? I am really worried about aging, so this is particularly interesting to me. But then, I'm only on disc 2.

And, to make myself feel better, with all the womanly crap I've got going on, and missing the man....I just visited the diamonds. Diamonds always make a girl feel better. But I am no longer putting anything on my employee account, so I have to wait until I have the cash for stuff. You know, after I pay the cable bill. And then, it's Christmas time.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Adverse Reaction....

I've decided that I'm having more than just "a" side effect from my birth control. I've started cramping in my ovaries in the evenings. Dizzy spells. Nausea. Now, I have some sort of rash on my face, it's not just acne...It's a full blown rash, and it's affecting all my skin. I've never had a problem my entire life. This morning? I woke up and my upper lip is swollen bad enough that my coworkers can tell, I can barely smile, and its hurting my gums. What......the fuck? This is the only thing different I have done in the past 3 weeks.

Today's mission? Calling my old Dr. (that delivered me.....) and seeing what he can do about getting me a new prescription. Hoping he can get my records from PP. I am not going thru another exam. I was run thru the gammit with all the scraping and swabing for the tests I had done. My va-jay-jay is closed for that sorta business. I'll make payments, I'll pay full price monthly for the pills, whatever. I cannot live my life looking like such a freak. I apologize to the freaks out there, but I can't do it. PP doesn't have any of the other three pills I have tried with no problem in the 17 years I've been on the pill, and they don't write scripts, you have to buy from them. Wish me luck. Not like I can just stop taking the pill either, so until I get something else, I suffer. *sigh*

I'm at work last night, minding my bizness, as I always do, and I hear my name. CP was there. Waving at me. I gathered that he was there to visit my supervisor, as she was also his supervisor when he worked there. I know he isn't trying to get his job back, because that would just be silly, right? Not to mention, he up and quit one day with no notice, so I doubt they will hire him back. Then he emailed me today to say it was nice seeing me. Said something about being beautiful as ever and that he meant it in a friendly way. I dunno kids.... That doesn't sound friendly to me? I mean I'm only super duper, head over heels in love with someone else! So, no worries!

Got my stats for week before last. I made over $100 more in one week than at the police station. I smell financial freedom on the horizon!

I get to see that boy who invades my brain, and makes me crazy tonight! Yippppeeeee! I absolutely cannot wait to feel him. Ugh. Just the thought makes me nuts! I might have to jump him right away..... For some reason it feels like it's been for-ev-er! Let's see in 6 months, if the boy still has no problem with my sexual appetite, he said he has no problem with it. It's been my experience that boys tire of my sexual prowess.

P.S. My new favorite thing to eat is cottage cheese, peas, and sunflower seeds. I know it may sound gross, but it's actually quite good. One of my VP's eats the peas and cottage cheese every day. See if this helps me meet my 51lb weight loss goal on Friday! I've had way too much bread in the past few weeks, so I'm not having my delicious breakfast sandwhich. *sigh*