"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Anything with an Itis is bad...

So on and off I keep getting this horrible pain in the side of my foot. Mostly it's on but sometimes it's blazing hot. Last Friday I had to keep taking breaks from cleaning to rest it on ice. Well as any smart American would do, I googled it,in an attempt to self diagnose.

I found a chart of foot pain, linked to a break down by area, and the only things noted in the specific area I am having pain (on the outside, NOT the inside/arch area) is tendonitis. (or a ruptured tendon) OR it could be a stress fracture, as the pain is also on top between my toes and top of foot.

Exciting excerpt for people who care:

It is a tendon that is used to stabilize the foot during the gait cycle. The problem occurs where the tendon makes the sharp turn. As the tendon moves it slides across the bone (cuboid) and therefore can be easily irritated. Of course this can happen in athletic people, also in people who do a lot of walking on hard surfaces. The one common denominator that most people do not realize is the shoe that they are wearing.


We're back to shoes?

I swear to the stars, I am going to go broke buying shoes. I buy expensive shoes, a couple months later, I have to get more. Why hasn't someone invented a shoe that lasts longer. 20 miles a week doesn't seem like many miles at all. How do triathletes, or distance runners do on shoes? Is there a secret someone should share with me?

I'm like, frugal. I save tins and containers cus some day I might use them. I have a ton of half empty shampoo and hand soap bottles cus one day I'll run out of shampoo and need to consolidate them (which when I lost my job, I totally did!) So, I can't see throwing away shoes that look perfectly new.

As a result, I'm acquiring quite a collection of useless, yet still stylish looking sneakers. I did bring some to work during earth week to recycle for the kids playgrounds. (cus you know how I care about the kiddies!) What else do you do with them? They are broken, so you can't really give them to people, cus then they'll get tendonitis too and probably sue me.

Injured. Down for the count. Manfriend (who...mind you is a cute paramedic..) gave me a hard time about it, after he set me up with my elevated foot, and ice pack and said you can tell its fractured cus its swollen. (cute) Then he said that even though I don't think a stress fracture is a big deal, that if you leave a windshield alone, the crack gets bigger.

Then I argued that unlike windshields, bones have the ability to heal.

Then he said I didn't want to be crippled when I get older, and he made me promise to call the Dr. Ugh. I hate the Dr. I guess until then I'm going to ride the stationary bike as a workout. There isn't a working TV for the stationary bike. Which makes working out less appealing. I don't like to admit defeat.

I promised the manfriend. Now I'm in deep shit. I'm a horrible liar. So....I have to go.

P.S. Speaking of Dr.'s 19 days until I go to the dentist. Help. Me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Titleless Post...

Firstevly, Go here and enter to win a contest! I love contests! Someone has to win and that could be you! You can win the pictured necklace! While you are there you may find you want to buy some jewelry, you didn't think you would buy! I am going to buy "laugh" because I love this message! Now, go and enter! All you have to do is look!

They canceled that incentive trip to Mayacoba at work due to the pig flu. Honestly, I pictured the outbreak like, in the crappy areas where people live in boxes in Mexico. Not the fancy resort areas.

I witnessed this box living a few miles from where my ex husband and I were on our Shitheadmoon (can't call it a honeymoon when he isnt my honey) in Cancun. We ran out of money, and had to have my Mom and sister wire us some. The trip to pick it up was a memorable one. They live in boxes with carpets for roofs. And we went back to our air conditioned hotel room with marble floors, and free bottles of alchohol. America really is the land of opportunity, you can't blame them for wanting to come over. Though I think it should be done legally. (that's another story)

Cancun! Oh how I wish I would have went with someone I loved, instead of someone I thought I should marry in order to start a family by 25. My how things have changed! I thank the universe for knowing better what I needed than I did!

Is anyone else worried that we are catching animal sicknesses? Remember that book Animal Farm? We had to read it in school. I always knew they could talk, it's probably their way of taking over the world, first birds, then pigs, next cows. Except, I really think cows are adorable. It makes me cry when they show them with mad cow disease on the news. It literally pains my heart. So, instead of cows, flu, can you infect snakes? I could kill a zombie snake I think!

What scares me worse than some flu, is that flesh eating bacteria. Saw it again on Oprah yesterday. A woman lost her whole side of her body cus she cut her finger with a chef's knife! Eeek.

I havn't lost weight latley. But Kat sent me a picture last night of me 2 years ago (before losing 72lbs) and ummmmm....besides being horrified that I thought I looked cute, I remembered that I have made progress, and it's taken 2 years. Patience. I just want to lose 20 more. Isn't the last 20 the hardest? Ugh.

Rest assured though, I am still doing my 50 minutes at lunch treadmill/eliptical, sometimes both, and a couple days a week walking after work. I also added core work/weights 3 days a week with the balance ball, which I can already tell the difference in my balance. I'm getting there. I just have to get my food right.

It's hard to balance working out and eating, because you have to eat more when you work out, or you're always hungry. And that leads to eating 4 bananas a day and while this may sound good, they are high in calories and sugar. If you don't feed the hunger, you don't lose weight, despite working out 2 hours a day. IF you eat too much, you don't lose weight cus you had too many calories. Sometimes I want to scream and give up. But then a friend sends you a fat picture, and you remember why you are doing it.

P.S. Maybe if you think about me losing 10lbs I will? Anyone? Help?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Comparibly So...

Yesterday I mentioned in my post how I spent some time at home enjoying nature and peace, and beauty, and then went to Cleveland to see my manfriend, and saw a crack head. This is odd for me, because I come from such a different place. I think the kids around my parts smoke salvia and huff window cleaner or something.

Here are some statistics as to the differences in my small town, and the big city where my manfriend lives. In the city's defense, its like 400 times bigger, so theres more that can happen, right?

In my small town, there are 5,054 people.
In Cleveland, there are 478,403
I'm not good at math, but the calculator says, that's 473,349 more people in the big city. I don't like people all that much.

My towns average income is $45,359 a year.
Cleveland's is $28,512

My town's 97% white 3% other
Cleveland is 50% black, 41% white, and whatever percent other.

Ok, similarity...
My towns average age is 33.9
Cleveland's is 33.0

My town's average rapes in the past 4 years is 0
Clevelands, is 33 per year.

My town's average break in's per year, is 14 (which I suspect is people leaving their doors unlocked)
Cleveland's is 813. Per year.

That didn't include general larceny, or car thefts. That's in the thousands, compared to 4 per year where I live.

I don't advocate leaving your place open but I don't feel unsafe to walk around the woods behind my house. Or to go to the park by myself. Or sleep with my windows open, alone. People are considerate when you are out and about, and don't walk in the street in front of your car. The kids respect you. You can still get ice cream down the street for $1.25, and drum roll please.......WE GOT A SONIC! Booooom!

It's a completely different vibe. I think that's why me and the manfriend get along so well, we're different enough, yet similar enough at the same time. And, going to each other's houses is like a whole other world, he says its like vacation.

Speaking of that manfriend, last night he told me I was the cutest most delicious thing that ever happened to him. I like to be a good thing that happens to people. This is the first time I've ever been happy so long with someone. I mean, grossely, sickingly happy, and attracted to someone! 19 months! As I tell my cats, one day we'll all live happily ever after, and I wont have to leave them on the weekends.

We got some communication about that swine flu at work. Theres an "incentive" trip to Mexico in 2 weeks. Mind you, I didn't win, and I'm not sad about it. All those jerks are gonna bring back the Porky flu! So we were assured the "pandemic committee" at work met about it and it's perfectly safe. It's never a good sign when your work has a pandemic committee and they find it necessary to call a meeting..um, what the hell?

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Great Outdoors...

It was like 100 degrees in Ohio as I'm sure it was unseasonably hot all over the universe. I had a flat on my bike so I didn't get to ride at all this weekend, and my pump is broke. So I walked in the woods behind my house. I took pictures.. ..

Something that I'm probably allergic to...

The dirt bikes ride back here that interrupt my naps.

A little pond out back where the duckies swim.

I think this tree was molting.

I jogged up some hills, it made my buns burn.

A lake where the neighbors go fishing.

I jogged up and around this tree a few times. It made me want to puke.

I kicked this hills ass a couple of times.

I spent my weekend cleaning my downstairs. This meant I started out intending to clean my garage, but wound up that I moved a big old floor model TV to my garage by turning it end over end cus it was too heavy. I also painted a coffee table, and sprayed the glass and turned it into a chalk board. Crafty!

I also fixed the screen in my door leading to my garage off my laundry room, so now I can leave the door open and catch another breeze through there without the cats running out and causing me stress. I did it, cus I'm handy. Mmm hmm.

I caught about a half hour in the sun reading a book and enjoying the birds before heading to the big city for a party at the manfriend's house. We had a killer time, and I lost at beer pong a few times. Beer=calories and bloating. You really feel crappy after drinking beer. I miss the taste, but vodka doesn't make me feel fat the next day.

I ended the weekend quite differently. I started it out enjoying nature, and beauty. Sunday, the manfriend took me to IHop on Detroit Ave. This is where I saw my first real-life in person crackhead walking down the street. Quite the change of pace!! Then the unthinkable happened over breakfast.

Manfriend told me he didn't like Cheap Trick. I really considered this a deal breaker, but then he has the cutest smile, you can't resist it. I mean, they sing I want you to want me! And...the flame. Come on! (P.S. I'm going to see them in June with Def Leppard and Poison...i may have mentioned this)

Now I'm off to burn some calories. I hate Monday workouts.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Ever have a boyfriend that didn't buy you jewelry, or sucked at it? I can see why. Cus it is so hard to buy for other people. My gift of choice for everyone is jewelry. It's not cus I'm good at it, it's cus I work for a company that offers a discount, and once you get spoiled with the discount you can't even buy fake jewelry because even that's overpriced. No, I can't buy you something. It's totally on the up and up, and you can lose your job doing that stuff. I can buy gifts though.

I can buy for myself (and I do...) all day long. But when faced with a gift for someone else, I freeze. It is so stressful. Especially when someone has different taste than you do. And my manfriend is off the hook as long as I'm employed, because no way I can ever see someone spending retail on anything! It's crazy!

If you are ever having a bad day, go look at these shiba inu puppies on the web cam.

Mish Mash...

Remember when pagers were cool? My friends and I would page each other all sorts of numbered messages. Then it would take forever to "decode" them. It's like the early American "Pilgrem" version of texting. Did anyone else do that? We were so innovative.

843-2442536-47-46-843-227538 = The Chicken is in the Basket. (which I'm pretty sure was one of those stupid phrases we had to write out in short hand in school, along with "meet me in Reno". For some reason, the people in our business packets always went to Reno)

Ok, so I just posted about pagers, and taking an actual shorthand class in school. Next I may talk about how I had to walk to school in the snow. (Which, I actually did do...)
That reminds me. Manfriend told me in the city they didn't have buses. Or, rode the Metro! What? We had yellow buses that took us to school. City life seems so cruel.

I got a call yesterday, for CP. Not from him. For him. Why on earth someone is calling my PRIVATE cell phone number looking for that dickwad is beyond me. We've been broken up over 2 years. Hello?

I saw an old woman on the price is right (shocker) who had my name. I always tried to picture me old, like, my name doesn't sound like an old person's name. Weird.

Speaking of names. Someone with my last name friended me on Facebook. It turns out we are not even related. This is completely strange because I have such an unusual name. Hint: it ends in ski and it's polish. There aren't many of us out there.
It's been nice the past couple of days. This means, assholes in my neighborhood find it necessary to ride their 100 times louder than a harley dirtbikes in the woods behind my house until at least 9pm. I debated last night whether I hated that more until 9...or city noise (traffic, ambulance, fire, ghetto folk yelling at each other at the bus stop, loud buses...etc) more. Last night it was the dirbike that won because I just wanted to take a nap.

Reason 234,897 not to have kids. I love naps.
Reason 458,589 not to have kids they may have dirtbikes and annoy me
I got these in the vending machine yesterday. This may be why I gained 3lbs this week. Ugh. Chocolate covered pop rocks, I can vouch for being delicious!

I had to go pick up my birth control at planned parenthood last night. I've yet to have another exam at the real gyno (now that I have insurance) so I can get my script anywhere, because well...exams aren't fun and one per year is plenty. Am I right ladies? Point of this story is, I got a $10 discount on my birth control from the stimulus package. GO OBAMA! Say what you want but if I get something out of this deal, I'm loving it!
I'm going to a party at my manfriends on Saturday. He said on the invitation they will be playing cornhole. I despise when people say cornhole. I am going to start an anti cornhole movement. It's a disgusting word, that refers to your crapper, not a backyard game. It's called BEAN BAG TOSS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME! Gawd. You didn't play CORNHOLE in kindergarten! Look up cornhole in the urban dictionary. Yea. Not cool.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Board of Dreams.

I posted this at facebook, but it kinda goes along with my post from yesterday. Here is my dream board. If I had a computer at home hooked up to the internet (I'm thinking of going with AT&T, who has them....anyone...anyone?) I would have found some program to do mouse overs to explain everything. But then I'd be pissed if I went to all that trouble and no one appreciated it. I may turn into the hulk. Ah, fooled ya.

I took the things off of my board that I have gotten, like my phone, and a raise, and a new job, and a reiki certification. I really believe in these things. The idea is to just fill it with images that appeal to you, or of things you want to have. The message of mine is basically contentment, and happiness. All my sayings have to do with those two themes.

I have laughter, happiness, money, savings, river rocks, the ocean, Homes in Charleston, SC, beaches, a farm house, old dishes, working out, Australia, a happy patient with a dentist, TWO representations of being married, sunrises, sunsets, massage, meditation, fruit, vegetables, animals, my future husband Edwin McCain, a picture of what my arms will look like one day. And a really sweet card from my manfriend in the corner.

Then things I want, like a seltzer water maker, a new printer, a sleigh bed, new TV. I think everyone should make their own dream board. I've had one for a couple of years, it's ever-changing as I find new things to add. It wasn't always so full. You can read about them here, or google them.

Speaking of dreams, I had a dream this past weekend, that I had a huge backyard party, complete with a DJ and karaoke. I was singing with a group of friends, and they were waiting for me, and called my name, and I announced I wouldn't sing until my Mom was located at the party. Then, everyone started screaming and running in pandemonium. I thought...."what the fuck, what about my song???"

Then I felt a pain at my back, and instantly all the blood rushed from my body and I fell down the stairs, but I got up and ran away. Fast. I was stabbed in the lower back by a crazy madman at my party.

I have had a pain in my back for a couple weeks now.

P.S. I started using these arm circle things I got years ago....um, ouch!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

You wont like me when I'm angry!...

This past weekend I was hanging with my manfriend and one of his friends, and for some reason, I said something would make me mad, and he said "do you ever get mad?"

Interesting question. We all get mad. But I really don't do it much. At all. Manfriend always mentions this, and says he wishes he could be more like me. I'm non chalant about alot of things. I guess I just realize, it's pointless to get bent out of shape over things I can't control. This took almost my lifetime to achieve though.

Which is funny because I use to be such an angry person. Like, full of rage, and so much that it contributed to my abusive relationships, sure, I can admit that much.

But even my boss compliments me on my even keel tempermant (I totally sound like a dog don't I?) all the time. I don't let things get to me. More work? We'll finish it! If I meet a challenge, I'll conquer it. If something happens that sucks, oh well, try again. There's always next time. And I'm not feeling defeated when I do it, I genuinly have a sunny disposition. I am not on medication either. I'm telling you, it's the secret.

I use to get pissed off that my ex boyfriend would leave the bathroom "a swamp". Or not hang up his towels. When I was in counseling she told me, things that are important to you aren't important to others, and I have no right to get bent out of shape about it. If it bothers me, clean it up, otherwise, let it go. Huh? The world doesn't revolve around me? I'm not most important to everyone else? What eves!

I once got so pissed off at my ex husband, that I took a butcher knife and stabbed the bed, inches from his cringing body. I wasn't trying to kill him...just scare him a bit. *grin* I let him treat me badly, and then blamed him for everything. I had a part in it. If I loved me, I wouldn't have put up with the years of shit he put me through. I would put holes in walls, or cut myself, or spend all my spare time crying, and wishing so and so would love me. I also have a million stories of stalking boys, or following them, (BTW, they were always caught with someone else when I did this...) I felt like, they treat me badly, so I'm a bad person. I treated myself badly as well.
I had issues. I didn't start turning it all around until I started reading/listening to Wayne Dyer, and read the Secret, and started meditating. I can hardly believe I'm me too. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm so happy, it's sick. I am the person I want to be. When you are happy with yourself, everything else has to logically follow suit. It seems so simple. And...well, it is!

I'm thankful every day for what I have. If I park far away, I enjoy the walk, and see it as exercise, and that I have the legs to get me into the store. I learned to give up control. You can't control people. (hard one to learn) I learned to accept my responsibilty in certain situations, "my bad". I chose consciously to look at the bright side. Eventually, this becomes second nature.

Some people may view this as being a door mat, but I think that is what happens when you lay down and let people harm you, and do nothing about it. I have learned to genuinley let things go, and not fester. I'm not going to explode one day from not being angry. (I use to explode when I was an angry person!) Yes I get mad. Yes, when I have PMS, or a bad day, I'll scream "fucking asshole, eat a dick" at you in the car. Or, if you hurt my feelings, I'll cry. But the only thing I have control over in this world is me.

And I can also recognize being more in tune to myself, that the first thing I want to do when I'm frustrated at work (besides throw my computer into the wall) is eat.

Before, I'd have just eaten and never known why. It's the first instant thought in my head. Food! So, I can let those situations stay with me all day...or month, or year....or I can feel the anger, or the sadness, and then let it go on my terms, when I am ready. That's completely my decision.

It all starts with a choice. Choose to be happy. Constantly work at being positive. See the good in everything, even the bad. And it will become second nature to you. But starting, and staying on this path is a very hard, concious, and constant thing to do. I can only say it's the best thing I ever decided to do. I'd rather laugh at life, than cry over it.
P.S. Remember how bad-ass the incredible hulk was? When he was actually incredible, and not CGI?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

This and That...

As I was saying yesterday...Happiness is, putting on your summer clothes, and they are too big. So, Pictures! This is a picture of a waist line. Something that has started to show up recently, that I havn't had in....well years. I had a tire around there.

This was me Saturday when I put on my shorts from last year. I also took a picture from my point of view, which is I can see right down the leg holes to the ground. I remember when I first bought them, I had to squeeeeze into them.

In cute news, when I had trouble getting my contact out this weekend, and showed my cute manfriend my red eye, he took me into the bathroom and rinsed my eyes for me with saline, and then kissed me on the forehead. I've never in my life had a man take any kind of care of me. But I'm liking it a whole lot! It makes me get all sappy and weepy. He still puts me in the car like a gentleman too. I think its the most adorable thing in the world!

I bought these treats for my dog at Trader Joe's, that are made with people stuff. They are peanut butter flavored. I tried them. I found them to be quite good. Like a slightly overcooked peanut butter cookie minus the sugar! I might be on to a new diet trend or something. Stay tuned.

It's earth day week at work. We have to clean out our desks. What we don't want they are making into a "re-store" in one of the training rooms. On Wednesday, we get to go shopping for stuff in there. We also have a petting zoo at work for earth day. I already told the girls, they know where to find me. I'll just die if there are goats and llamas!

Do you watch Medium? I love that show, but last nights episode kinda freaked me out!

P.S. My foot hurts so horribly. I think I really hurt it inside. This working out stuff is for the birds.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Happiness Is...

So yes, my bunny died Friday. He's been acting weird for a while now. He'd eat here and there, but was not even excited about parsley or dandelion leaves, or kale. The usual things that make him happy. When I got him from bunny rescue (The house rabbit society) his old owners were gonna put him to sleep cus they didn't want him. That was 6 years ago. They also told me he was between 2 and 5. So, he was old. He was all black, and the hairs around his mouth had gone white. I found him sprawled out in his cage when I got home. My neighbors helped me bury him. Then I drowned my sorrows with margaritas. That's the third and final bunny I buried.

I had a picture to go along with my happiness is post, which I will post whenever it's not Monday, and raining, and I havn't stepped in a huge puddle and my leather shoes are soaked thru, and my pants are wet to halfway up my shins. In other words, today started off on the wrong foot, but it's getting better.

Happiness is, getting out your clothes from last summer and realizing you can't even wear your shorts anymore. You can put them on, but when you move around, they fall off. All on their own. I took pictures. They're fabulous! It's hard to believe I've lost that much since last summer. Now I have to spend money on clothes. If I were rich this may be fun. But I'm not.

This weekend I got up at old person time (9 am) and went to find some new shorts, which I didn't find. Then I met Kat and we did 7 miles on the towpath, and jogged some too. Have I mentioned how much I dislike jogging in the out of doors? Inside is so much easier! On our journey, we saw a buttload of turtles, two BEAVERS in the canal, and wild turkeys! Oh, and a disgusting (yet small) snake that Kat insisted we stop to rescue off the trail. Euw! It was sunny, and I got burned even though I have a tan.

When we got back I got my flower beds cleaned up and ready to go, and planted some wildflower seeds around my bird bath, and back porch. Cus, I'm one of those people who enjoys watching the birds and butterflies while enjoying mojitos in the back yard (with my home grown mint) soaking up the sun.

Then I trekked up to the big city (Cleveland) to see my manfriend. We cooked out Saturday night and talked. Then on Sunday I asked if he'd take me to Trader Joe's to see what all the hype is about, so he took me to Crocker Park. I didn't much like Trader Joes, it was like going grocery shopping out of state, I didn't recognize any brands. I'm big on knowing what I like. Crocker park was pretty bad-ass. Except that you have to walk. And it's fancy. And, in my out of town-ness I only brought shorts because it was near 70 Saturday. And like 30 on Sunday. I. Was. Fre-ezing! Manfriend put his pullover on me, and then zipped it up so I was warm. He is the cutest ever!

Then we headed to the manfriends and I helped him clean his apartment. He was going to pay me that was the idea but when I was done, I thought....that's kind of rude to accept money so I didn't. He however, was in the hall doing manly stuff like sanding his drywall joints, and dirtying up my hard work til he put up a tarp to contain it.

Happiness is also...winning contests! I won another contest over at Carolyn in Carolina. Yessss! I'm on fire with this stuff! Now, I'm ready for the lottery. Lottery, you will be mine. Oh yes.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My bunny died while i was at work 2day. My neighbor buried him 4 me. Im havin margaritas w the neighbors. :-(


I dreamt the other night, about my ex boyfriend, whom was referred to in this blog years ago as those we dont speak of...TWDSO. This was the first relationship I had that didn't involve abuse, and he was decent to me. The bad part of being treated crappy your whole life, is that once someone doesn't you may latch on to them, and forget what you really want in a person.

I was guilty of that with TWDSO. I wanted rescued. But he had only child syndrome, and while he did treat me well for the most part, he didn't want to take care of me. He was also what I would call "priviledged" and never had to really struggle for anything in his life, and we couldn't relate on a lot of levels. So, of course I moved in with him!! We were together like 4 years or something.

He was one of those star wars nerds. And....he had two rooms dedicated to all the toys he had, plus the collectors plates he had hanging in the living room. It was kind of um....gay.

Toward the end I lived in the spare bedroom. I would put on my sleep mask and pretend to be asleep at 9 so I wouldn't be propositioned for sex. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him, and he sucked in the sack. We had no chemistry. Eck. Like, I can think of exes and not get grossed out. But him? Yea.

It was one that had to end so we could get on with our lives. I blamed him for a long time. But really, it was both our faults. He genuinely cared about me and I didn't feel the same, so I put a lot of distance between us. And gained a lot of weight. I think subconsiously I thought he'd dump me for being fat.

Anyway, I dreamt I was at his house searching through all of his things, looking for something. I don't know what it was I was looking for. But it made me remember that relationship I had when I started this blog. And how much has happened since then.

I am going to the dentist (cringe) a few blocks from his house.

Like how I can appreciate when a man is nice to me, and know how to trust my instincts when something is right and wrong. My manfriend told me this weekend that I will always be beautiful, as we were talking about aging. I think he's pretty darned sweet.

Happy weekend! I'm going to take the things off my dreamboard I have acheived, and add new things. I'll take a picture for the blog so you can see it too.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mental Dental...

So, sometimes bloggers inspire each other without knowing it. I was at work listening to coworkers talk about the dentist. For, like 2 hours. (why they weren't working, I dunno, they don't work for me) I kept thinking OMG, I'll end up losing my teeth too if I don't go to the stupid dentist. Root canal? Crowns? And abcesses.....oh MY! How long as it been you ask?

Six. Teen. Years.

I had a horrid experience at 17 which was, I had my wisdom teeth pulled while I was awake, and just had numbing shots. Until I talked to more and more people, I thought this was normal. I remember the blood gushing down my throat, him bracing my head against his stomach and pulling my tooth and hearing the crrrrruuuuuunch of my tooth being ripped from my head. I had to be re-xrayed during the procedure, blood all over myself. Nothing short of atrocious. I have since been traumatized, and refused to go to the dentist. I don't know how else to describe this. Except, did I mention the blood?

Since having my teeth pulled, I have had one tooth way in the back next to one of the wisdom's that were pulled, that didn't heal quite right, the gums never grew down my tooth. I'm pretty sure its half rotted away because it hurts like nobodies business, and I can feel a jagged edge at the top. Probably not good. Plus it sends pangs of torture through my body if anything food like touches it.

I realize no one enjoys the dentist. But...I am terrified. So, I'm all about being gassed. Who will gas me? I need drugs, I'm sweating now thinking about it!

So, I called the dentist. Me. I think I had an out of body experience because I was looking up the number, and dialing the phone in a matter of seconds. It occurred to me, that I use to work with a woman, who's daughter was going to dental school. This was a long time ago, and I remember she said that she had a practice the next town over from me. DUH! Then I read this blog about someone else terrified of the dentist, who is going SOONER THAN ME. (bless you) And before I know it I called the dentist.

Who answered the phone, but another person I use to work with, who is the dentists sister in law! Small world! So at least I have a friendly face before I am whisked away to the torture chair! I'm scared. To. Death. To have them cleaned. I don't want them to be touching my sore tooth, I know how they are! Poking around with their metal sticks. Have I told you I don't even like metal forks touching my lips. Bleh. I know they will touch my sore tooth! I'm also pretty sure all my bottom teeth are cracked. For serious!

I'm going to take a valium. It helped me fly. It can help me not be hysterical at the dentist! I need to put on my dream board, a happy person at the dentist! Dreams really do come true. Gulp.


Anyone watch? What the hell? Miles' dad is Marvin Candle? Baby miles and grown up miles are in the same place? He was contracted to speak to the dead on the island by Naomi and Widmore? Hurley is writing the Empire Strikes Back before George Lucas does? That cracked me up.


I learned some valuable vaginal information on The Doctors. Like, that now you can safely dye your "betty" with products made specifically for that. Eh, I just shave it. But I remember being terrified when my mom and sister told me your pubes turn gray! What kind of sick shit is that?

This weekend my manfriend came to my neck of the woods. We went to the neighbors on Saturday and hung out. I had some MGD 64 which was awesome, and...hello? 35 calories less than my old lite favorite, bud select. I can enjoy beer again, and only 2 carbs! I love whoever invented this, and if they want to marry me, perfect, because they are probably rich too.

Except for I'm in love with someone else. Dammit. You know what he said to me this weekend? "you'll always be beautiful". We were talking about getting older and all the surgery I wanted to get. I swear he makes me tear up so much I can't stand it. He always tells me sweet things like that. And it gets me every time.

Oh, anyhoo...what calories I saved with beer, I more than made up for with food. I have decided not to weigh in this friday for fear I may go into cardiac arrest! I had chocolate, TWO kinds of potatos, lots of bread, and cheese, and fake ribs (which were pretty good) so I'm off weight loss for the week. I'm looking to get back to where I probably was before Easter happened.

Know what sucks about not eating healthy? You feel bloated. Like even my eyes are bloated. My fingers are bloated, and my stomach is bloated. And you wonder why you did it...for like two seconds because I know why I did it. The freaking food was delicious!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

make me a bird so I can fly far far away....

Last day for taxes! I still have to file my state. And my city, but we're not going there with the city taxes. State, I'll file as I should be getting a refund. Cha-ching.

I perused flights yesterday to the beach. I admit I suck at this crap,which is something I do for work, but we have a program, and it's not my money I'm spending. Way easier.

Flights to VA Beach are 248 per person round trip in July. This is the same price as last year. How come there are no deals? I looked up other sites, tried to book one way there, and one way back to save money. That way tickets were $69.......Yesssss! Plus, $55 fees/taxes. Nooooo. So, no matter which way you slice it, it's gonna cost $300 when all is said and done to fly to Virginia. I use to work with a girl who could find flights to anywere for like 50 bucks cus she could pick connecting flights and whatnot.

Personally, I don't mind a 10 hour drive, I'm hella fun, and great at I spy. Manfriend says it's a waste of two vacation days. Pffft. I could really use a trip to look forward to. Its rough to have perfect attendance with no vacay.

Living on the cheap, aka... having shitty cable, has turned me on to a few good shows like Southland, and The Unusuals. I'm pretty sick of the Price is Right, while working out, I've turned to the Today Show at 11. I have to Tivo the price now, because I'm so sick and tired of the commercials, which are all for old people. It's the same four commercials, and If I hear this old broad say "BINGO!" one more time, I may barf up a lung!

Repeat after me...I am going to be debt free in 2010. It's going to happen. I even put it on my dream board. Which I'm thinking of posting....

I'm also thinking of finding a group or something to meet new people. I kind of thought this was sad, but I guess its what people do nowadays! I thought about volunteering at an animal shelter but there arent any close to me. And then...I have enough animals, and I know me, and my big soft spot for furry things, and I'd wind up with a billion homeless pets taking up residence in my home. Sucking up more of my income than the ones I already have do...So, thats out.

I win another contest! This one was from Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom! She has all sorts of fun contests you should go check her out! I won a box of South Beach protein bars, and a water bottle, and a beach ball and note cards! It's always fun to get a package in the mail for just entering a contest! I think everyone should have them!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I'm having one of those moments. The one where it feels like everyone is paired off and you are the sole single girl. Only, I have a boyfriend. I just don't live with him. So I guess it feels like everyone is paired off in living arrangements, and I'm not.

Or, we're at that age where we all have our own lives, and its harder and harder to get together with friends, and more and more you are on your own. I like time to myself. But I also like to hang out with friends. I don't know.....do you get new friends, or are you expected to change too? I don't want to change. So there.

I'm at a weird spot latley, and I keep thinking it will pass but it doesn't. You know, people get married. They have kids. I don't know why it just seems that I've been on the outside of all these things. In a funk perhaps. (not with the kids thing, ok?)

My one friend says to me when I feel this way...."you've been married". As if I had my one shot at happiness and since that didn't work out for me, its OK if I never get married again.
I'm happy with my relationship. It's the rest of my life that is getting to me. The outside the relationship stuff seems to be lacking, and I don't know what you do for that. I think maybe I had two jobs for so long, because I didn't have another life. And it was an excuse.

Because I keep thinking about getting another job. As miserable as it made me, it is a distraction.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Rosanna...I Love You...

Click to watch this cat video with his head in a bag. He likes it. I saw this on a friend's face book. (yes I said facebook......I gave in like a month ago)

I saw my manfriend on Wednesday. *swoon* It was still daylight when he came over. This was clearly a breakthrough! I dunno if you know this but he's super cute. He bought me a whole pkg of plastic forks. You know, romance. It means that he appreciates the fact that I am kinda goofey and prefer to eat with plastic forks! I can't explain the feeling I get when I'm with him but it's best described as the warm fuzzies mixed with butterflies and lust. Some day I'll go to sleep every night in his arms. *sigh*

I had a dream that he bought me a bunch of scrapbooking stuff for Christmas. Only he made me wait until now to open it, and said that it was hard for him to be patient. It was a bunch of wedding scrapbook stuff. Like to make a wedding scrapbook, brides, and grooms and stuff. he didn't propose to me, just gave me that stuff.

Just like my recurrent dream about forgetting to feed my (nonexistant) fish, has nothing to do with fish, it has to do with fertility. This dream had nothing to do with getting married.

(when I looked up weddings in my dream book, it said they are often negative and represent anxiety and fear...see?)

I didn't lose weight this week. In fact, I gained weight but we're not going there. I'm blaming it on the fact that I've started weights and more resistance with the eliptical. Cus seriously I havn't ate bad. And I have worked out 90 minutes 3 days this week, and 50 the other two. (Three days were double workouts!) I've stared at buckeye cake (chocolate cake w/pbutter middle!!) and not had any. As much as I want a reese's egg, not one! No jellybeans either!

So even though on the biggest loser they say its crap to say you gain muscle weight, that weight gain is weight gain...I'm saying you do. So as not to get discouraged. I'm on the last 21lbs. I think its mostly mental. I'm kicking that 21lbs ass!

P.S. New girl at work said while the classic "Rosanna" by Toto was playing on muzak..."is he singing Rosanna?".

Yea, she'd never heard it before. Never. Heard. Rosanna. This goes up there with her calling Debbie Gibson the oldies. I never thought this would happen to me. When did I get to be older? When did people start being born the year I graduated, and beign old enough to drive a car?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lunch Lady...

I heard in the news something about how the poor kids get cold cheese sandwiches for lunch and a fruit and milk. While the other kids who buy or pack get whatever they want. Or something to that effect. It singles the kids out, and they feel bad about being poor.

Oh. Cus, that's something new. There weren't poor kids before now, who ever felt different. Now, I never really thought I was poor, but when my mom and dad got divorced, we moved into a trailer, in a snobby community where I had no friends, and was always embaressed to say I lived in the "trailer park". We had a nice place, but my mom worked at Acme, and we never went without, we just usually went generic.

You know, like instead of a Pound Puppy, I had a Lonley Puppy. Instead of a Cabbage Patch Kid, I had a Pumpkin Patch Kid. (This happens to be the exact one I had...Penny!) Instead of Cavaricci's I had some other generic brand with a similarly placed white tag on the crotch. You get the idea. But I had new clothes every school year, and shoes on my feet, and we ate, and had cable (in high school).

But I remember we got reduced school lunches. Each week your home room teacher would call you to the front of the class to get your tickets. Everyone got a blue ticket, mine was bright pink. Everyone knew, that I got reduced lunches, or I was POOOOOOOR. But I really wasn't traumatized over it. I don't understand the world today filled with such sissified children. (Or rather, their parents teaching them to be sissies!)

I also remember getting free food for Thanksgiving from the church and telling my mom it was fun to be poor. And when we got food stamps, it was way awesome, cus we were allowed to buy name brand things, and like, cereal. We would get bags of clothes from her friends' kids, and that was always like Christmas!

I like how I grew up. It taught me to be frugal. I don't take what I do have for granted. And, nevermind that maybe I have several almost empty bottles of soap and shampoo, cus I might need to use all those little bits when I run out of the real thing. Or, how when my razors need changed, I still save the last couple I changed in case I can't buy new ones, then I have some not so new not so old ones to use! And that I save all the little last bits of my Yankee candles in a giant plastic bag, becaue SOME day I'm going to melt them together and make candles. I'm always thinking about how I might not have have something.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


I don't buy junk food. Because I can't stop myself from eating it. Remember this classic moment in Sex and the City history? I wouldn't say I've done that. But I won't say I havn't. If there really was a betty crocker clinic, I might be president and CEO. Same reason I don't make cookies. I can't stop myself from eating them. I need rehab for junk food.

I'm on a mission this week to hit a certain weight, that will bring my total to 75lbs. I didn't weigh last week so I'm not even sure how much I do or don' t have to lose. Which is fun, I like the mystery. I did the eliptical on Tuesday. For 50 minutes. Normally, I either do 20m eliptical/30min walk/jog, or the same thing at 30/20. Fifty straight min on the eliptical, blows. Hate. It. I mean, I totally love it!

Know what's delicious, and not bad for you? Buckwheat pancakes. I've rediscovered their yummee goodness. I can eat them on a log, I can eat them like a hog!

Know what is bad for you? Frappucinno's. I may or may not have mentioned a while back that they were putting in a Starbucks at my place of employment. Gulp. We already have a ginormous grill with all kinds of food, and a salad bar, and breakfasts, and sandwiches, and soups, and chicken and featured pizzas and pastas, and lunch specials, and brownies and cupcakes, and pies. There is this one thing, that is a peanut butter cookie, with a peanut butter bar on top of it.

Ummmm..yea, so again, it's peanut butter cookie, with a delicious peanut butter bar confection on top, covered in chocolate. You have no idea how bad I want to try one. The only thing stopping me is I'm too cheap. One day, I will cave. One day like, when it's my time of the month.

Starbucks? I don't have to get in my car, and drive anywhere. I can walk my happy ass to Starbucks, and have a carmel frappuccino (light!, like it matters) whenever I want. I can also get a massage for $1 a minute on Thursday's. Have I ever complained about my job? Cus, honeslty it's a cool place to work! And should someone drop the bomb on us, I'll survive in the vault, and have plenty to eat.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Things I find horribly important...

*Reason 235,687 you should help me with my evil plot to slip my manfriend some untraceable homeade rufies, and lock him in my closet...he's a good cook. I mean if the list of things I like about him gets much longer, I might have to start thinking he is a robot created by one of my crazy ex boyfriends as part of their evil plan to steal my soul by sucking me into a happy abyss and then having my manfriend short circuit, leaving me broken hearted.

And, then I'll have to buy a boyfriend pillow. But seriously, I bet if I got one of these, I might be able to sleep in my bed again vs. the couch. Kidding, that's not the part of the manfriend I miss. When they make a spooning manfriend pillow....send me the link.

I swear I don't do drugs.

I want to see the New Kids on the Block at blossom. I think getting drunk on $7 white zinfandel (probably boxed, my favorite) and watching the new kids prance around on stage and do the "oh, oh, oh, oh oh...hangin tough" dance is a killer time! while I scream "donnie i love you!" would be so freaking awesome. The shitty thing is that my friends aren't as cool as me, and no one wants to go. Who wants to adopt me as a friend and take me to New kids? I say take me because obviously, I will need a designated driver. And B) you can't also like donnie. He's mine. Back....off.

Speaking of concerts, and what's mine. Edwin McCain (my future husband) is coming to concert in August. I'm going to take my manfriend, and he will have fun, of course cus it's a killer time. I think it'll be a true testament of his love for me. If he can still love me high on Edwin, then he's totally going to marry me. (don't squash my dreams) You have no idea how hard it is to not buy tickets to this concert until this Friday. I can't use credit. Bad, credit.

Anyone want to adopt me? And by adopt I mean, be my sugar daddy that get's nothing but the satisfaction of calling me his sugar pop? Cus, I'm kinda in love with someone else. Please?

I miss my cable pretty bad. I mean, I don't even have cartoon network. Appartnely, cartoons aren't in gods plan. Because I have god/family tv. Cus its cheap.

Reason 345 I should write a book, someone may deem me god some day when they come across my brilliant writings.And everyone will say what I say is what everyone should do. Kinda like the bible. (unbunch your panties)

Books! I read a book once about a group of girls that murdered a classmate by beating her with a tire iron in the head, stuffing her in the trunk, and setting her on fire. This was during my true crime/Aphrodite Jones phase. The truth is way worse than any fake stuff.

I have to take three cats, single handedly to the vet this weekend at 9 am. On a Saturday? This is blasphemy. I believe in sleeping until at least 11 on a Saturday. Being a single mom is way hard. I don't know how anyone takes human kids anywhere. Especially more than one. I have some serious anxiety over how I'll manage! At least I don't have to dress my cats. Bonus for me. Even though I don't want kids, I think Moms should be sainted or something.

This weekend I watched The Unborn, A Haunting in Connecticut, Bride Wars, The Eschelon Conspiracy (which is a total low budget rip off of Eagle Eye), and Monsters Vs. Aliens. All in my PJ's on a comfy couch with a comfy movie partner. Illegal schmillegal.

*Reason 235,688 would be that I can bribe you with jewelry. Everyone loves diamonds!

Monday, April 06, 2009

Pets, they're just like kids...

So you know how when you were little and you got the flu or the chicken pox, your Mom made you sleep in bed with your brother to catch it too. Or if not your brother, then her boyfriends dumb kids? Was that just me? That may explain all the years I spent getting my head straight. With pets you don't have to make them hang out together, they do it themselves. And, since you have to pay a per pet fee at the vet, you don't want to have to take them all. Things at my homestead are going as such:

The dog. She's chronically got ear/eye/skin/stank problems. Sometimes you can get the ears under control with a viniger/alchohol/boric acid mix. Then, there are times you come home and your whole house smells like a.....well let's just say a nasty yeast infection. That's me now. That's when you have to go to the vet. Since they took her off steroids, I have to deal with her smell. Steroids long term are bad for the liver you know. My dog isn't 13 or anything. Not like she has 15 more years to live. Assholes.

The cats. Well we all remember how my cat decided to disappear for 5 days and cause me horror and grief. She's been eating for almost 2 weeks now and not gaining weight back. She's a small cat to begin with, despite her mountains of fluff, I'd put her at about 5lbs or less. Worms. My damned cat has worms. I know this by the peices of worm segment that are on her butt hair. (euuuuuuw!!) To make matters worse, since I have a fluffy pile of lovebug cats, who groom and snuggle each other, and share the same 4 potties, her two kittens have worms.

Worms. You know, this means I have to constantly wash everything, until they get to the vet, right? If I were in charge of the universe, I'd do away with parasites. Cus seriously, whatever eats them, can get over it and eat a fly or a spider, they are equally as disgusting, but don't need to attach themselves to your intestines and suck the life out of you slowly.

The bunny. Well for some reason my bunny has decided to stop eating. Rabbits come either free, or $25 bucks. They turn out to be the most expensive pet to care for. Vet visits, are $70 because they are exotic. Rabbits? Yes, rabbits. Rabbits are like horses they have to have constant gut motility and are always eating hay for this reason. If they don't eat, it's not long until they die. Granted, he is almost 10 and bunnies live about 5 years, but seriously? Now?

So I've been feeding him greens which he will eat a few bites of. He wont eat carrots, or strawberries or apple or banana, all the "treats" he likes, he wont even eat. I cooked pellets for him (enhances that grassy smell) and he had a few bites. I gave him some gut motility meds. Patted his belly in case he had gas.

So, my whole household is in turmoil. And I'm thinking I wont see much of my paycheck this Friday. The only thing I don't like about pets vs. human kids is that I can't put them on my health insurance. Pet insurance is too much if you have more than one pet.

Friday, April 03, 2009


We do only see each other two maybe three times a week because of the "distance", but to me, quality wins out over quantity. For him, it was when you have a good thing you want more of it. Who can complain about their manfriend saying that? But then, it never changed. You know, nothing changes if nothing changes. It wont happen on its own, something has to give.

We fell into a routine that first started because I worked two jobs, and I wasnt home until 11pm each night. Then I only worked one job but worked out each day. Then I joined boot camp and my life as I knew it revolved around working out. Now I do my workouts strictly at lunch, and I don't do much of anything at night. (especially now with no good tivo to watch)

So I brought it up to the manfriend that its not easy to see him, because his schedule was such that he didn't get home until 9pm. Guess what, guess what? He changed his schedule! Now he will get off at 6, and we are both excited about how this will help us to see more of each other! Heres to hoping this will make things a little more "normal" for him. He says it's what we need to move forward. When really, its what he needs. Boys have needs too. (I guess)

When I stay with the manfriend, he changes his toilet paper on the roll for me. I like Cottonelle (I'm picky) and he likes Scott's ONE PLY. I might be able to live with some other two ply toilet paper, away from home, but not one ply. Girls have girly parts that like soft things. For a while I was bringing a roll of my own to stash there. Now, he gets me my own TP and actually puts it on the roll when I stay over. He's pretty much the cutest manfriend in the universe.

I mean, personally, this is the most romantic thing anyone has done for me. To me, being romantic is being thoughtful. He's always thoughtful. I'm in love with him. *smile*

Speaking of toilets...I always find it necessary when I'm changing to workout at work and come out of the stall to announce "I just changed my clothes". Because the automatic flush goes off 15 times, and I don't have time to wash my hands for no reason, when I'm in a rush to get the good treadmill. It annoys me that people would take it upon themselves to spread rumors about my non hand washing ways. Why do I care?

I didn't weigh in this morning, because I got up at 7:35. I am spose to be to work at 8, and I live 27 miles away. Whoopsie. I don't feel like I lost anyway.

I want this. Bad. I spend a lot of moolah on club soda (sodium free) cus it makes me feel like I am having a tasty treat aka pop (soda for you southern freaks) only its just water. And, it's yummy when mixed with Cherry vodka. It's on sale at kohls. It will be mine. Oh yes....it will be mine.

As for my TV situation. I have direct tv. I was paying 64/month for 200 channels. And I switched to 34/mo for the Family package, which is the only other cheaper plan. I looked into a local cable company (I'd NEVER go with Time Warner) and they are more expensive too. So, hopefully I can hang with no TV for a while. I have gone to recording a ton of daytime TV talk shows.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Any Pranksters Get Pranked?...

I don't get into the spirit of April Fool's day. My dad died on april fools day, and I wished it was a joke. But I can't shake the feeling that it still may be a joke. I think he's on an island with Tupac and Biggie Small's. I know for those of you who knew my dad....knows he wouldn't be caught dead on an island with rappers. Or, in a foreign car.

So, I don't pull pranks and I kinda find it annoying when people do it to me. On april fool's that is. I use to pull some office doozies. You know, taking all the insides out of someones pens, taking the phone and put it on someone's computer screen, and make a rainbow that lasted for days. I don't know if the new LCD monitors prevent this, or if it's a change in the phones, but I miss it. I also miss the mouse ball being replaced with laser mice, because it was fun to remove the ball.

My favorite all time prank pulled on a coworker, I did to my neighbor back when we worked together. I figured out her password one day which was something like "Rocky" (her dog's name) and I took a screen shot of her desktop, and saved it as a jpeg.

Then I went into her desktop and changed her picture to the picture of her desktop. Only she couldn't click on any icons, or her start button because it was just a picture of them. I think this was my most brilliant prank, because she got really pissed off, and couldn't figure out what was wrong.

What's your best prank?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


We have assigned spots at work for our VP's. When they travel, we get to use them. This is golden because our parking lot is like 3 miles big and in the winter especially, you don't want to truck it across the lot of doom. After all the recent "changes" due to the economy, they had to reassign spaces.

One of the VP's complained about their spot to our security department, and when they issued the list,

It's All About My Dad...

It's April 1. 6 years ago today, my Dad died. I still don't think I ever accepted it. Silly as that sounds. Since he is gone, I rarely talk about him, but I think about him a lot, and this is all about him.

It was April, 2000. I was 24. I had borrowed a plumbing snake from my dad to snake Bubba's toilet. I just moved out on my own from my ex 'Z'. Dad came to see my apartment. A week later, I took his plumbing snake back to him. A week after that, he died.

I was on my way to Hilarities, for a fun night, to laugh, and hang with friends. I was meeting a guy I recently started seeing there. I was luckily with Bubba and her boyfriend when I got the call. It was my brother.

He told me that dad died. I laughed. I said "thats not funny." He told me, he wished he was kidding. I didn't cry. I was still in denial. I went to Bubba's, we didn't go to hilarities. I ended up being stood up by that guy anyways. (icing on the cake!) I got home, to a billion messages on my machine. People I hadn't talked to forever had called me, urging me to call them. No one was able to find me. That's, I knew it was true.

Dad wasn't sick. He was seemingly healthy. I had that year, started trying to make an effort to get to know my dad as an adult. We never had a close relationship, I always felt like a burdon. He didn't make me feel that way, I just had issues. He was always there for me when I needed him to be. I just had trouble asking. It ended up being that we only called him when we needed money, so I made it a point to call him just to talk. Or stop by, so he knew that I needed him for more than that. I think that is also why I have such a strong work ethic now. I always wanted to prove to my Dad how good I am.

The day it happened, Dad was helping stepmonster (I call her that cus she earned the title over the years...from St Elmo's Fire, classic flick) move furniture, after cutting the grass. They were getting ready for church, and he collapsed in the bathroom. Aneurysm. Hardening of the arteries. Bam. That fast. He had just had a physical, he was fine.

I didn't cry, until the calling hours. I didn't see or talk to him every day, so it was sort of like, any other day as long as I didn't see him. Then it all came out at once.

It's hard to see other people hurt. It's hard to hear people tell you that you are too young to lose your father. It's hard to hear that other people miss him too. I felt really bad for my brother, who you could tell wanted to cry, but didn't. He felt like he had to hold it together for his sisters, I know how he is.

What especially made me feel bad for my brother, was the flag.

My dad was in the navy. He was really, really proud of that. He went to reunions to keep in touch with the guys he was on the ships with. It was a big part of who he was. The wife, gets the flag. If my mother were still married to him, she would have gotten it.

Stepmonster, got the flag. My mom called her before the funeral to ask her if she would give it to my brother, and she wouldn't. Maybe if they had kids together, it would be different? But, no, we were his kids. She will move on, and find another man, but we will never find another Dad. My brother is the only son. He is the one who will carry on our name. He is the one who should have gotten the flag. When stepmonster dies, it's lost to us forever. Seeing them fold it up and hand it to her, was like a knife in the stomach.

Within 3 days of the funeral, she had called us to come get dads things. All of his stuff was piled into a bedroom. We had to go through everything. His kids. The ones who probably missed him more. She wanted nothing. She said what we didnt take, was being given away. We took as much as we could get, whether or not they seemed important, because thinking some stranger would have his things, was just depressing.

I've lost people. Grandparents. A best friend. Uncles. Your parent, is different. Their all hard, but their all different. You sort of feel orphaned. It made me that much more afraid to lose my Momma. In a way I think that was why she had to leave the state. I was really attached to her.

She moved away from us. That was really hard on me too, but it happened before my dad died. I think that it was a way for me to gain some independance. Count on yourself. In a sad way, it has worked.

Our time on this earth is short. I have a lot of beliefs about life after death, but that's another post. Everyone should cherish every minute they have here. You don't know when it will end. It is sad that it takes death to remind us of that. You might not have a tomorrow. Everyone says this, yet when you wake up in the morning, you still take things for granted.

The only happy thing about being married to my ex husband, is that at least I got to have my dad walk me down the aisle, even if it wasn't to the man I would spend my whole life with. I still have that memory.

For some reason, it was really important to me to get his praise, his approval. Maybe because I'm the baby and had the least time with him and Mom together? I worked really hard in school, so he would find my name in the paper for being student of the month, or being on the merit roll, so I got a good student discount on my insurance. He would cut these little recognitions out of the paper for me. I was in the band, in office for S.A.D.D., and Business Professionals of America (where I placed second in my region thank you -and went to state!).

My Dad was an alchoholic, which affects us all to this day in different ways. He was never abusive to me, but the knowledge that your dad gave up being 'a family' for alchohol, never goes away.

At my 20th birthday party, my drunk dad was going to get a ride home with my brother's friend. They came back inside in about 5 minutes to get my car keys. My dad refused to get into his Toyota. (Jap peice of crap he called it) He would ride home in my trusty cavalier though. He was big on American everything, and Ohio everything.

He loved the three stooges, and would laugh his butt off when he watched them.

What would you most like to hear from your father?

"I'm proud of you"

......and, that made me cry.

Some Anniversaries suck..

April Fool's day loses its allure, when your brother calls you to tell you that your Dad died, and you really want to think that it's just a joke, only it isn't. But it has to be, because it's April fool's and what better way to play a joke than to tell you something you'd never expect, right?

Eight years ago today my dad died.

No foolin. Sometimes I still think its a joke. Even though I just stood at his grave on Saturday.

Mom Knows Best....

(I was impressed with some of the pics I took of my cats the other day. This of course, is the little shit that ran away. )

So, I'm at the manfriends Sunday night. 52 miles from home. And I get a text from my Momma:

Momma: Look up sex offenders. U got 10 close to u

Me: Thx mom, way 2 scare me!

Momma: Getting pics online, scars n all

Me: Nice!

Momma: most like kids

Momma: email page to u got (? I don't know what this means either)

Mind you, I live alone. Not in a desolate area, but rural. It's dark out. There's a big tree/bush by my front door where a sex offender could hide and grab me. I was out in the woods behind my house last week, with a flashlight at 10 and 12 calling my lost cat, all alone! The more I thought of it the more it made me mad. Home is my safe haven. I always feel safe there. I watch scarey movies by myself with the lights out.

Not that night. I wouldn't even watch Silence of the Lambs at the manfriends! I think that I much prefer ignorance in these cases. Then I kept thinking someone was going to jump me on the way in my house. I'm kinda mad at her now for that.

I got my review at work. I was pretty awesome. Of course, we don't get raises. Our insurance went up, so I actually will bring home less than I did last year. Even with that big fat stimulus we get! (this was just about the biggest joke yet....$12? all for me?)

Now...I'm working on my people's reviews. I keep a performance journal on my people all year in Access, and put the notes in categories according to the review form, and then run a report according to review category, so it's not too hard to do since I'm prepared, it's pretty much all done. I'm kinda impressed with myself too.

A new show was on last night, on regular TV, and I liked it! Cupid! I seem to be a sucker for love since falling madly in love myself. Speaking of mad love, I get to see my lovebug tonight! Eek!