"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


So, I get a bonus this year. Yay, fanfare, exciting. They told us this over a week ago. So we can all be excited, and dream about what we can do with our money.

Then they gave us statements, outlining, how much we are actually going to get in the end.

The government helps themselves to 40% of your bonus. Because, its "extra money."

So, I'm super happy I get a little extra money, but deflated because of the amount being stolen from me.

I think taxes are crap. I mean I fully expected to pay taxes on it, but you know, the normal percentage of tax. I googled it, and found out that overtaxing bonuses is common practice, and some people are taxed more, according to their state.

I suck at math but if you add up all the taxes we pay on junk, I'm pretty sure we're all living on minimum wage.

When I own my own island, there wont be any taxes. We'll use seashells for money, and life will be happy and free. It'll piss off the government so we'll need some people with guns to keep them out.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


In May, I should be golden with financials. Its such a short wait in the grand scheme of things. I will also get a merit increase, and enroll in our 401k. As of now, I'll be sharing cat food w/my cats when I'm old because I have absolutely no retirement. At least I'll have 40 years to save so I can graduate from cat food to ramon noodles!

I have no savings. No life insurance. I was not smart about my future.

Omg I have to work until I'm 74 to retire. I hope I live that long.

I am going to get my brakes done, which sincerely excites me after having a tire blowout on the hiway. I've been driving w/my brake light on longer than I was driving on a bad tire

P.S. arent my cats the cutest cats in the world? They were spooning with a the mouse, a.k.a the woobie. Pickachu (the spoon-er) carries this mouse to me nightly while crying, and drops it at my feet. He thinks its alive.

P.S.S. When I had a real mouse in the house none of my 4 cats tried to catch it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

What makes me, me?

Remember before I got my promotion 2 years ago, how I worked two jobs? Remember how much I hated it? And how I was so tired I would put conditioner on my face in the tub instead of face wash?

I didn't have a life. I worked from 8 am and got home at 11:15 pm to shower, and start all over again 5 days a week. Remember how I made my relationship work with manfriend, and still spent time with my friends on weekends? I did this for a total of 5 years, but 2 years consecutively.

I didn't do it because I was bored, or had nothing better to do, or was saving up for a house or a car. I did it to make ends meet because I lost my job, and had to take a job at my current company at an entry level secretary position making $12 an hour.

I had my wages garnished due to unpaid taxes, leaving me with hardly any money to live on for two months, but no one was there to pick me up. I had to struggle like most people do, and somehow I made it work, and I may have gotten behind on things, but I'm still alive, and I'm fed and clothed with a roof over my head.

I never complained on the job. My boss knew I worked two jobs because we had weekly meetings and I told her how tired I was. I still strived to do the best I could at my piddly little job, and worked on changing what I could, and did the best I knew how to do. I didn't half ass it because my job sucked.

Remember how my brother got sick, and was out of work for months and months and had to live with me, while I worked two jobs to support myself, and now, a man who ate and had Dr. bills and Dr. visits to get to, and medicine to buy?

I had just ended a relationship before manfriend with a drug addict, who stole from his family and me. I had a lot of those. It taught me in the end, how addicts manipulate you to get what they want. How everything is your fault. And they don't have money because of their addictions, somehow becoming your problem, was always beyond me.

Once and for all I learned how to handle that, and not allow it to affect my well-being. And get it out of my life. And recognize, when I am being manipulated.

The best compliment I can ever remember getting, were the times I sat in my weekly meetings with my boss, and would tell her everything I was going through, and she told me if I hadn't disclosed these things to her, she would never know I had anything going on in my life, because I left it at home.

My personal life is just that. Personal. I have feelings, and get down, but I don't push that onto anyone else. I give them my 100% and lead my team at work by example. I get angry but I don't snap at them because of it.

I can't expect from anyone in life, any less than I give. I have struggled my entire adult life with money, and relationships. My husband left me, and then I lost my job, my house, my car, and my self worth. No one picked those peices up for me. I did. No one could help me. Tell me what to do. Make me feel better. Bail me out. When I needed help, I helped myself.

After years and years of struggling, I still lay down EVERY night, and thank the universe for all that I have, one by one. Optimistic, that one day things will get better, because they always do. I don't cry about what I don't have. Because I have a lot.

Things are getting better for me. And I'm grateful. I'm happy, and I have the opportunity to fix some financial problems I've been carrying around for a long time. And after some things are taken care of, I won't need to live paycheck to paycheck. If my car breaks down, I will have a way to fix it. Now, My credit cards are maxed, and I would be screwed.

I deserve to feel a sense of peace. I worked hard my whole life to get where I am. No one can take that away from me.

Enlightenment to me, is a journey. When your mind is quiet long enough to learn the truth. I know my truth. And that is enough.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Goals...I got em..

As part of my working towards "management" and out of "supervisoryment" my old boss is making me write my own goals for this year as part of my review. Normally, she writes them and I achieve them.

Write your own? Sure, you think I'm lucky..But wait, theres more!

She said I had to write my goals as if there were no limits, and no one would tell me no. I have to basically write a "wish list".

This could be good or bad. I can show I have ambition, but what the hell happens if I do dream the impossible dream and don't accomplish it? that'll go against me on my next year review!

I don't know if I'm cut out for management. I would love more of a challenge, but I don't like to fail.

My boss told me I have to fail once in a while. Who says that?

In other news I did intervals on the treadmill. I set my lowest grade at 3% and the highest at 6.5% and every minute it went up and down for 50 minutes. I did 4.1 speed at the 6.5% and I ran at a 5 speed at the 3%.

I thought it would be easy because, psh, I run 4 miles a day. Yea, right. I'm so exhausted. Which is good. I challenged myself, and I think I'm gonna do it 3 times a week and just run the other two.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Uncle Buck...

I remember one time I got this list of how to poop at work. And described every annoying type of person in the bathroom. Like, the people that just hang out in the bathroom. Or the ones that fix their hair. Its like, get the hell out of here will ya? I have business to take care of.

Cats should have their own list.

I have four cats. But one, without fail, is a lingerer.

I have two huge boxes, for the four cats. Whenever I clean the box, Fozzie, will walk past the room about four times.

"done scooping out my piss and shit yet?"
She is also the one that has to always run 2 steps in front of me and act like she knows what I'm doing. "here I am running into the bedroom. Oh, you're going in the bathroom? (runs in front of me) Here I am to throw myself in front of you on the carpet and show you my belly...purrrrrrr"

She has to be the first to use the toilet after I clean it too, she can't stand it.
My cat also stands up to poop. I tried to get a picture. Does that make me weird? She stands in the corner and poops.

What are your cats quirks?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Spring Fever...

It's spring in ohio. That means, We have some days in the 50's then the 30's, then the 60's, and we wear shorts and open our windows, and drive around with convertible tops down. It could snow tomorrow, but today...it's warm.

I've been pining for this nice weather, because my new apartment has tilt in windows, for cleaning the inside and the outside. *eek*

I spent this past Sunday, cleaning all my windows upstairs. Then I thought, next weekend, I'm going to soak my blinds and my screens in bleach in the tub.

And, this excites me.

I also spent time putting together a spaghetti casserole, so I just had to "pop it in the oven" an hour before manfriend came home from work.

I'm so domestic!

I have no idea when I became this person, but it kinda annoys me, because I remember thinking my mom was soooooo stupid for doing these things.

It genuinely filled my heart with gladness.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm not blonde, and keep the polish jokes to yourself...

Um. Yea, this is my tire. I'm kinda proud of it. This past fall, I had a nail in my tire. Fix a Flat was the only option to get me home from cleveland, because no one, not even a towing company could get my tire off. Even with that stuff that loosens screws.

I had a friend try with an impact drill. No go.

In the end I had to pay to have my donut put on. I guess I'm kinda proud of the stratus and its inability to let go. We are working on this together.

At that time, the tow guy said, you need new tires you have steel coming through on the back. Eh, I'll get to it. Cut to the winter time when I'm sliding all over the place, and manfriend told me 50 times, you need new tires. Eh...I'll get to it.

Cut to about 3 months ago, when my car developed an odd "wobble" It kinda shimmied back and forth like it was dancing. Manfriend said perhaps I bent my rim, cus I like to check out a lot of curbs to be sure they are safe...wink wink.

Friday night I'm driving to Cleveland, and my wobble seems to be getting worse on the hiway. I slow down to about 50 and it didn't help so I proceed to call manfriend, and tell him he may have to come get me, my cars acting weird...and all at once I heard horrible noises falling from my back end, smelled something hot, and told manfriend my car was on fire.

I was a wreck, because, I'm awesome in an emergency. I must say he really has a level head and told me to pull over, get my purse and get out of the car. It turns out my car wasn't on fire, it just fell apart while I was driving.

The tire, that is.

Manfriend came to rescue me, and gave me his coat, and was generally cute and sexy all at once, because I love nothing more than a man doing menswork (changing the tire) aaaand being protective of me all at once. *swoon*

I helpd. I mean, held the flashlight. I wanted to hold the nuts too (lug...) but visions of ralphie losing them and using the "F dash dash dash" word stopped me.

So it turns out, the only thing wrong with my tire was it was balt and wearing unevenly. My car drives like a dream on the donut. Only now, I have the fun task of buying a new odd sized tire for my car when I don't have the money.

Reason 567,981 not to have kids. They don't listen, and could die on the expressway one day.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I'm exhausted. Working out exhausts me.

Maybe I'll remember that the next time I think about polishing off a block of cheese.

Or consuming an entire packet (4 servings) of mashed potatos. With cheese added. On bread.

Or having pizza until I want to puke.

Or a couple bottles of wine.

But I doubt it.

Cus seriously. I'm on track to be my goal weight. If I wanted to. I shouldnt' have to work out anymore than I do. I do however, need to stop eating like a champ.

I make good choices 99% of the time. But there are days still that I do all of the above. Or I eat the whole pint of ben and jerrys. Or 6 reese cups. And coke. Or, I opt to have fried tater tots for 89 cents at work as a side to my nice turkey burger. Or turkey sandwhich on pumpernickel and NO CHEESE. (and a coke)

I love coke. (coca cola, if it was the other, I wouldn't be lamenting)

My addiction is worse than drugs. Food.

You don't have to drink or do drugs to live.

You don't take an alchoholic to a bar and say ok, sit here and drink a club soda while I have a nice chocolate vodka and orange monster. (which btw tastes like an orange tootsiepop and is by far my new favorite shot)

I maintain my weight by working out. If I did better with food, I'd lose. I've been stagnant for like, 2 years. I gain and lose gain and lose gain and lose. I recently added the stupid incline to my runs, and I cant run for 50 minutes anymore, but I jog, and walk fast on an incline. I'm hoping changing my workout will do something too.

On that note, I'm going out tonight with the manfriend who I love to peices, to and drink, and eat pizza.


Monday, March 15, 2010


I've been in the supervisory field for like two years or something. I dunno, when your mind is full with power you forget these things.

Jussst kidding. I'm actually a stellar boss, who I'd love to work for.

My recent capers with annoying coworker are, I gave her a less than glowing review. Lets remember she is a less than glowing employee who has been written up. Of course your score will drop.

She tried to question my review which is totally unacceptable. This was Friday. Today, my big boss wanted to meet with me. Of course, I asumed it had to do with annoying coworker, and was worried. But no, it was good.

He wants me to report to him vs. my current boss. She is a manager. He is a director. Which is one step below a VP. And we will work on my professional development. He says I should be a manager because I supervise more people than managers at our company do. Say huh?

My boss then called to see what I thought about it all and I said um, well I'll miss reporting to you and she said I seemed "underwhelmed". So I'm guessing that when they make the announcement that I'll see exactly what it means. I took it as I'm working toward a promotion, but then my boss acted like it was one.

Either way I'm gonna be a manager. Its a level higher than I am now. I wonder if I get a raise?

Respect my authoritah!

And....power to positive thinking! Cus seriously, I'm just being me. I'm not doing anything super spectacular.

Friday, March 12, 2010


Sometimes, things just seem to fall into place on their own without trying.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Do You do This?...

I know that the definition of normal is not comparing yourself to other people, but you always want to know if others do things you do. It makes you feel better?

It's OK that I let the dog eat off my fork, stick it in my food and keep eating. Why? Because I know other people do it. That makes it normal. Right?

When I'm at a red light, and it turns green, if I'm paying attention first, and see the light change, and get the urge to drive, but no one else is moving, I always second guess myself.

Then I go thru a mental evaluation process..I say to myself...self, is the light green? Yes. Green means go? Yes. And then I go. It never fails.

I don't know when I started doubting my ability to operate a vehicle but I can only suspect this gets worse with old age, and maybe I don't feel so much hatred towards old people and their crappy driving?

P.S. I have yet another massive blister from working out. Inside of it, is two more blisters. I am thinking of entering it into the guiness book. I thank Bob harper for saying to intensify a workout do it on an incline. I was blister free for months.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Ode to corey haim...

I'm not a poet. So this isn't really an ode. But really, its about me.

Growing up girls have dreams. Dreams of getting married and living happily ever after. Of course, these dreams are usually to princes, that don't exist, but we seem to think they do.

Or, celebrities, that we never think will let us down by having real life problems. Like...drugs.

So, to that end, I will miss Corey Haim. He was my favorite Corey. But it just goes along with the fact that I always go for the druggies and alchoholics.

Maybe this finally has freed me from the chains?

I wonder sometimes if a real live boy will ever realize that I am an awesome catch, and want to marry me? I feel like I'm standing still. Then I tell myself to enjoy the ride. I'm starting to think the ride is long, and my ass is starting to hurt.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Huge is just a number...

I know what it feels like when someone complains about being fat and they are smaller than you, and your like, omg that means I must be HUGE. Since I've been there, I can complain about my little situation.

Being in a wedding is fun. You get to be there for the bride, your friend through all her important moments. The nerves, the parties, making the favors, cleaning up messes....going in on a stripper....

You also sign on for the dress. The uber expensive dress you'll never wear again. (although, I am STILL holding out on having a "PROM" night where we all wear said dresses and rent a limo and do things you couldnt do on prom night, like drink legal, and take a boy home to YOUR OWN place)

This weekend I went with my fellow bridesmaids to be to be measured for a friends Fall wedding. While it isn't a fun experience go get semi naked and have a twig of a girl seem to struggle to measure your gozangas, its what you sign up for when you say yes to being in a wedding. What I didn't expect, was the following.

The dress size.

I know it's just a number. But I'm not ashamed to say that after all my hard work and eating pretty much what I want every day, I am a size 12/14. I would like to be an 8/10 but for now, I'm happy with that. So I know dresses run small, I went in fully prepared to have to order a 16 or an 18. What do you suppose my dress size was?


Um, before I lost 70lbs, I wore a size 18. I was never a 24. Nothing wrong with being a 24, except that if you are a 24 and went to this bridal shop, youd have to order a dress size 48.

The worst part is that I have to pay $30 extra for more material. Like, I'm some heffer that has to have a tent sewn for her. Extra material? I shop in a regular store, I'm not in the tent and tall store or anything. What is gonna tick me off is having to have it taken in 10 sizes and pay another 50 bucks. I'm on a mission to find a cheap seamstress. If not, I'll pawn it off on my Mom. Say wha?

To make myself feel better, I went to Old Navy, where they don't sell a size 24, and bought myself a clearance rack pair of jeans for $12. Size? ....12!

And then I went to Melt Bar and Grilled, and ate a Peirogi grilled cheese sandwhich that was a little slice of heaven on earth, wrapped up in about 600 grams of carbs. Eat THAT size 24!

Thursday, March 04, 2010


Things with me have actually been pretty splendid. I have been super busy at work and having a bit of a backslide on my training of my employees, but im looking ahead to getting it all fixed.

I have been doubling up my workouts this week because were picking out bridesmaid dresses. The bad news is I got hellacious blisters again. The good news is I lost 6lbs. This of course, is after I gained 14lbs getting back w/manfriend. I lost 10 when we broke up, i got the flu...and then the breakup...

Its never ending. But if I would just lose 30lbs more id be happy as a clam.

P.s. I don't know who said clams are happy.

Manfriend still makes me smile. And being with him makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Ream isn't just for paper.

After month end this week I wont be so bogged down with work. Bogged down financially is another story.

You know I got reamed for the first time last week. It wasn't my fault ...but it was. A girl I supervise royally fucked up a project a monkey could do, and she did it three times. The second time, I checked her work extensively, and then she did something afterwards to screw it up. I then had to do it for her. So technically this simple thing was done 4 times. I just gave her a review about how she does not check her work. It's the third one she's gotten. Not to mention we have weekly one on ones where it comes up quite often.

It may have been ok but I told her to get it back frm the VP's before they noticed it was wrong the first time, and she didnt' listen to me, and EMAILED them that it was wrong and to toss it. I had a talk with her about that. They would have never known if she didn't do that.

Of course they were all pissed and it got to my boss.

This girl has been marked as my successor should anything come along, and I've been training her forever. I have no idea what happened to her. I just had the talk with her two days prior about how she is training as my replacement some day.

She got knocked down a few pegs.

Now...I play catch up, and start all over again. We rarely get a chance to shine in my department, and the one time we do, its fucked up.

As shit rolls down hill, I reamed her too. I don't want to let it hold me back.

Good news? Friday I had an orange tootsiepop. It's chocolate vodka and orange monster. Um, well I had quite a few of them I should say.

In a winter storm. Have I mentioned, how over the snow I am? I dont remember a time when we had so much snow. It's really getting to me. I don't mind the cold. I mind the snow. All. The. Time. Snow on the ground...perfectly ok with it. Falling from the sky for days and weeks? Come on.