"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Wednesday, August 24, 2005

If I Only Had a Heart....

This love thing, is for the birds. I have turned into someone that I took great joy, in making fun of. Someone is in love? PFFFFT! on that! What happened? I dunno, I think I fell! I think I fell, cracked my head, bumped my elbows, and scraped up my knees. That is the only explanation I can think of.

I don't pretend to understand it. Because, I can see myself with WG forever. I hate to even say these words, because lurking in the back of my mind is that evil voice,

"some day you are going to be sorry you wrote those words for everyone to see"

I don't think I will. Because, even if something happened with us, and we didn't make it, I know that I can be this happy. I thought it couldn't happen again. This is why I don't believe in soul mates. If you believe that, you lose out on your chances at happiness. Oh, whats the point, I thought SO AND SO was 'the one'.

There are not many people who claim to have found 'the one' so why not call it, someone to love? That can happen more than once. And it can still feel fantastic!

In my true colors, I started thinking of reasons I shouldn't be with WG. I call this stinking thinking. I tend to do it alot. I'm afraid I will be hurt, so I think up reasons to not like him so much, so that I wont """"Get Hurt"""". I never said it made sense. Maybe I should listen to the reasons not to like him? Who knows!

I keep thinking, I really hope it is for real. I was so against meeting someone at this point in my life. Sometimes, we don't know what is best for us though. Everything happens for a reason. I don't remember the last time I felt the things I feel now. It is nice. I might even say, I love being in love. I had gotten so bitter, because I was miserable. I thought it was me.

I am still capeable of love. Amazing.

This line is perfect, from of course, an Edwin song:

'You're my survival, you're my living proof, my love is alive and not dead'

I stopped feeling about 6-7 years ago. Because I was tired of hurting. Once you start to have feelings for someone, you remember what you are missing. It actually takes more effort to not have feelings, then to let your feelings show.

I laid it all on the line for WG when we started to talk at first. I said that I didn't do this, or that, and this wasn't me, or that wasn't me. You won't buy the cow, you know....

Most of those things, have gone out the window. I didn't do those things, because I didn't have feelings like I do now. I am pleasently suprised.
I love it. Sometimes, it drives me crazy, that I can be sitting, or laying with him, and feel like, I want to be closer. I can only describe it as a hole. I just wanna put him in my hole....ok, well, that sounded reallllly bad! LOL!
I have no idea how to get closer. I keep thinking, the relationship is still new, of course I feel this way. There is more to it than that.

I use to be one to say "their all nice at first"

"your always happy at first"

Not really. You aren't 'always' happy to begin with. You get clues, warning signs, signals. At least I did, and I ignored them. You are normally on your best behavior at first, sure. But their not 'all nice' at first. It took my ex 'Z' exactly one week to spit in my face and call me a whore for talking to a guy in a public place, and I simply told him my name when he asked me. I wouldn't call that 'nice at first'. Maybe some people have better luck, and find guys who are 'nice at first'?

WG...genuinly makes me happy. He makes me want to be selfless. I have always called myself selfish, and to a point, I still think I am. But I have been more giving with him, than w/any man, in years. I don't remember the last time that I wanted to make someone happy. VS. wanting to be made happy. I am happy. I was happy when I met him. I think that is the key! I am not looking for someone to 'make me' happy anymore. I do that for myself. He enhances my life.

My main worry is finances. I worry about money a lot with myself. That is why I work 2 jobs. I am afraid to lose job #1. I have never been employed this long somewhere, so I am terrified to lose it. I know, I couldn't make it w/o my income. I am afraid. It scares me. I really don't want someone to 'take care of me' I want to work for what I have. But I also want to know that if God forbid something happened, I could make it. 'We' could make it. That holds me back. Money sucks!

This brings me to my shoe theory again. It really isn't my theory, but my counselors. That if you wear a size 8 shoe, and you put on a size 7 and it doesn't fit, what is wrong? The shoe, or your foot? I answered, the shoe because it's the wrong size. Wrong. Neither is wrong, the shoe is fine, for someone who wears a size 7.

People are the same. Everyone likes a different type of person.
Ever said this?
"If he's so great, why is he still single?"
Well, why are YOU still single? Same difference! And when someone makes you feel great, you want to do great things. (sometimes I'm Gay!)

Everyone is going to have annoying habits. Like leaving lights on all the time, or cupboards open. I did learn, that if something bothers me and you ask them to stop and they don't-- to do it yourself. Because everyone has different issues. Things don't bother you that bother them. So, I close them, and turn the lights out. It's nicer than bitching about it.

I will admit there are a lot of things about WG that scare me, that hold me back from thinking it will be forever. Just that glimmer of doubt. I do have a little apprehension left from being afraid of being hurt. But nothing like I normally have. For some reason I trust him, more than I have ever trusted anyone else. And according to his track record with his past, it makes no sense. Maybe because he was up front with me about it from the get-go?
I told him my deepest darkest secret, that only 1 other person knows. (That goes to the grave with Bubba) After only knowing him like a week! Why? Don't ask me!!!!

I know that people don't generally change. But, I also believe that the right person can bring out the best in you. It's happened to me. I never thought it would. I found someone who makes me want to be a better person.

I have always wanted to say that. And now, I mean it. If it can happen to me, it could happen for him right? I like to think so. I am mostly worried, about finances. I wont be working 2 jobs forever. Right now, I am living comfortably. Paying my bills. Spending money. I know once I quit working another job, I wont be able to spend money. He is not good with money. I am not great with it, but I am not in the poor house. I pay the bills. I am responsible.
He told me he isn't good. I am hoping he can change that. My ex husband was that way, spending all the money, while I had to pinch pennies and go without, to buy things.

For instance, I told WG I don't have the money to go out this past wknd, cus I was getting my hair done. It was going to cost almost $100. He couldn't believe it. I said, well, it'll be $70. (It actually costs 58 for a hilite/cut but with tip its 70) Different things are important to different people. I will never stop having my hair done by Angie. I'm a girl. You don't find someone you like to do your hair that often. It took me about 24 years to find someone I like! It's important!

Those are the little sacrifices you have to make when you are a couple, sharing a residence, and life together. Let each other have their thing. As long as you can afford it, I don't see a problem. As long as you work for it, you deserve it.

I have always been super responsible with work. It's the way I am wired. I think my divorce and losing everything is what did it. I did get fired once for missing work, and that is scarey. It'll never happen to me again. And, it helps when you like what you do, and where you work.

So, I'm still happy. It's been almost 2 months we have been together. I keep having deeper feelings. I think I question it so much, because I didn't want this, and now, I am up to my eyes in love. If I had made the decision to find someone, I might trust it. Even if it didn't feel right, because I decided it.

Things do happen when you least expect it. Good, and bad. I always told my friend Dusty, that when God found the perfect child for her and her husband, they would be able to adopt it.
They tried for so long, and kept getting let down, and I'd say, you wait, when you find that baby, it will be right. It will be perfect, because of all that you have been through.

You know, they found a baby. He has been like their biological son since he came home. It is really weird, how well he adjusted. He is perfect for them,and they for him. Thats what the wait was for.

If I can believe this for them, I have to believe it for myself.

Maybe, everything did happen for a reason. I do know, that if I had not gone through all the bad, I wouldn't appreciate the right thing when I found it. I probably would've taken it for granted.

And in closing, this is for the Momma. I was talking about leaving TWDSO and told her how he is jealous of my pets. She told me that every guy would be. (I am a little extreme in my love for them, some might think) I am thinking this time momma may be wrong. I knew there was a guy for me, that loved animals. Can I say that last night, Chelsea jumped up on the couch a few times for cuddles, and laid down on WG? He petted her too! It was only the cutest thing EVER!

I've rambled enough! I have to weigh in today. I'm not feeling any lighter. I didn't work out much. I have been slacking. I gotta get my butt in gear before someone beats me!!!!!

Today's Question:

When do you love yourself most?

I love myself most when I stick to my food/exercise plan. I have had problems w/this area of my life for YEARS!! So, when I do good, I feel good! Which, isn't exactly good, because its going from one extreme to another. But no one said I was perfect!

2 comments:

hot for jr. said...

I like the new look, but it's harder to navigate around your blog now. At least for me. I guess at this stage in my life you could call me an old dog. I'll have to learn the new tricks of the younger, hip crowd!

Mon said...

Well, It'll be a while before its changed for good. It isn't so easy for this old dog either!