"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Sweet Dreams....

I dreamt last night, about Sea Lions. I only remember, petting them, and the funny noises they made. This has signifigance to my family, because it was my dad's navy ship. I have something like that as my liscensce plate. My dad's birthday would be in September. I like to think that he was visiting me. I believe in visits through dreams, and I believe I have had several in my own life. The way you tell the difference?

What did you dream about last night? The night before? Before that? Chances are, you have no idea. I had a dream when I was 15, that I remember vividly, like it was yesterday. (FYI that was 14 years ago)

My best friend, Valerie died in a car accident when I was 15. We spent a lot of our time together, we were in the band (not fags!) and stayed with each other all the time. We did everything together. It was her boyfriend's graduation, they were suppose to be picking me up, and they didn't come.

This part is fuzzy, but I remember calling his house and someone told me they were in an accident. My mom called the hospital, who wouldn't tell us anything on the phone. When you are 15 you don't know this is bad news.

My boyfriend at the time was with me, and my mom took us to the hospital. I remember they took my mom in a room, and when she came out, I knew it was bad, by the look on her face. Hardest thing I have ever been through, losing a best friend. And, I have lost grandparents, and my dad. Valerie was almost decapitated. She was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. Her boyfriend had some cuts, scrapes. His sister was in the car, and she was in bad shape, punctured a lung, her face is forever scarred badly.

I didn't know how to deal with this. In middle school, I was a cutter. Back then, they didn't have a name for it, now it seems to be pretty common. I felt so lost and out of control, I did it again, I just cut myself with a carpet cutter. No one understood, that I only wanted to feel physical pain, to hide the emotional pain I was feeling. Because I couldn't handle the thought of life without her. I didn't even understand it. My friend Katie called the ambulance, so that when my mom came home from work, I was in the ambulance. I wasn't trying to kill myself. If I were, I'd have tried slitting my wrists, not cutting my arm all over the top. That was one of the times I went for therapy. LOL!

They played 'More Than Words' by Extreme at her calling hours, because that was her favorite song at the time, and to this day, the song reminds me of her. The dream I had, was shortly after her funeral. I was on the school bus. I didn't ride the bus, nor were we even on the same bus. But she got on and walked up to me.

Me: "Where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you"
Valerie: "I have been here the whole time"

And that was that. I remember she had on a green (lime green, it was the 90's!) tank top, and a black shirt over it, the shirt was off one shoulder, and she carried her school books. That, my friends, was my first visit from the other side. I will always believe thats what it was.

The way the story ends, is that her boyfriend, called me a lot for moral support. We cried together, talked, reminiced. He stayed at her parents house a lot, to be close to them, and her. He wanted to date me after a while, and I thought it was too weird, and it wasn't right. They dated a couple of years, thats way serious in high school!! He turned on me, and started to hate me, got his skank sister to screw around with my boyfriend of 3 years. (now I am a grown up I realize it takes TWO) And he pranked me every night, and called me fish! ha ha! Sorry bout your luck! As it turns out, he married a skank we went to school with and had a few kids. I think they are now divorced. He was never charged with anything because her parents dropped the charges. He had a T-top camaro (remember them?) and hit a parked semi at high speeds, they went underneath the semi.

I have had some strange feelings lately. I don't want to say I'm psychic, but more in tune with my feelings I suppose.

It's Wednesday which means, we weigh in at work. It is the first day of a new month. Those fuckers are waiting until 3pm. They got my damn scale! So I don't know how much I lost til then! Assholes!!!!! All I know, Is I am almost down another size, I'm in between again. And, I bought normal size underwear (S,M,L) at Victoria's Secret. Applause.....applause!

To add to my pissy mood now, I missed out on morning sex! Cus of my bunnies! grrrrrrrrr!
Today is day #5. To me, this is freaking FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pity me!

Words of Wisdom from my good friend Katie:

Whatever it is that you might die from, is not as bad, as having an MRI. She said it was worse than child birth. which, she also told me not to do. She said she would not do it again for a million bucks. Damn! I'd eat some rank worms for a million bucks, and I don't even like hot dogs!!

I can say this for sure. I will gladly turn 30 before you, any day,,,,,,so long as you keep having the firsts. First kid, first MRI, first mammogram. I did have the first pap test, because my mother took me when I was 14!! But that is it for my firsts! Oh, and the first divorce. But that is definatly it now! I'm done!

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