The Ex..

Latley, I have been wondering when "I'm still getting over my ex" stops being what protects people from my hurting them by letting them fall for me, and then unjustly comparing every little thing to how it doesn't feel nearly as good as it did with exmanfriend....and when it becomes something that is only hurting me, by keeping people out of my heart.

Today, my Mom even said, "if you love him so much you should just be with him". As if it were all up to me. Plus, I haven't forgotten his aversion to committment, a.k.a the great heart break of 2011. I haven't.

So, I have been operating under the assumption that I will simply know when it is ok to move on. Not that I haven't tried.

Maybe my heart is just not ready to let go, even after all this time.

Backslide...

So around Halloween, I had a truckton of crap to eat, and I've been sliding ever since. Not just that, but I had decided beforehand I was done losing weight, and starting to maintain, and subsequently gained 10lbs.

I had been slacking, stopped outdoor runs, and went from 15 workouts a week, to 4, plus ate what I wanted so I knew it would happen.

So the last three days I have gotten back out there running. In the cold. With frozen buttcheeks, stingy lungs, tingly fingers, and watery eyes. Numb ears. Sweaty head, and a wind-burned face.

I need to invest in some sort of cold weather running gear, because it certainly has not been comfortable.

What else is not comfortable, is listening to the entire Adele CD on said runs, and spending an hour thinking about your exmanfriend, and wondering WTF is wrong with you?

I think that I may need to invest in hypnosis or something. Because this, is getting sincerely ridiculous.

He ripped out my heart and blamed it on his cat, and a 30 mile drive. And, I still spend hours each day thinking about him? Really?

This is how different men and women are. I went thru his phone, and I'm dead to him......

He cheats on me, dumps me, cheats on me, dumps me, moves some stuff in, decides not to move in, dumps me, loves me and dumps me, and I spend countless hours pining over him.

In my next life, I'm definatly going to marry the love of my life at like, 18 and spend many happy years with him. Because in this life, I sure am sucking at the love thing.

The Art of Letting Go...(which I havn't mastered)

The other day I had PMS. I know, shocking, right?! Especially since between my two botched root canals, and trip to a tooth specialist, two tooth infections, a pooper virus, upper respiratory, and sinus infections, topped off with bronchitis, I've been on three types of antibiotics (along with many other scripts) for roughly two months straight, and have basically been on my monthly the entire time.

This has been just short of awesome! Not completely awesome....just a bit short.

As happy as I am the nights I'm in my pajamas with my tivo remote, wet hair, and a glass of wine, being ever-so thankful to defrost one of my pre-made home-frozen dinners, not having to make dinner for anyone, wipe snotty noses, change any diapers, clean up anyone else's crap, or listen to someone bitch at me for being bored, hungry, unfulfilled, or tired...not doing a damn thing after my second workout of the night so I am presentable to others because the cats and dog don't give a shit either.......sometimes I get lonely.

My mother interprets this as a need to have children. (eh....huh?!!) Especially the part where I've had my period for over a month. Because according to her, I'm not using my vagina for it's intended purpose...child birth. I feel its intended purpose is actually to keep my guts from falling out. But, what do I know?

I enjoy being single for the most part. I don't miss most of the crap I hear my girlfriends dealing with. I mean it really is nice to not feel obligated to do anything. I spend all my free time doing things only I enjoy doing. But then when you are really in love it doesn't feel like an obligation, does it? And you'd happily give up your Friday night red box rental, bottle of Moscato, and rotisserie chicken shared with the dog, for some male-type companionship.

It's been almost a year since the great heart break.

This is the longest I've ever been single. There are times while I'm running (I do my best thinking then) when I am hit in an instant with panic at the thought of being alone.... forrreverrr!!!

(cue doom and gloom music)

This then instills a "woe is me" vision of myself falling drunk down my stairs, and subsequently being licked to death by my cats. (a single cat owning girls' worst nightmare) Or, breaking a leg while trail running, and having my eyes eaten out by foxes!

But then I put it out of my mind. Because I'm a firm believer that since I am an awesome catch, and do not wish to be a spinster, I won't be.

Right?!!

Yes...I DATE. But...I miss being in love. I love, love! I believe in happy endings.

What is it in this moment that I refuse to get past, so that I can move on. Why am I like a cute furry hamster on a wheel, endlessly running, and getting nowhere?

The obvious answer? I am still in love with exmanfriend. Until I put this to rest, I bet I remain alone and closed off. I've been trying so hard to just tuck it away and leave it somewhere, but like a curse it turns up on my doorstep again. I mean, I've moved on from countless relationships in the past without a second thought. Why does this one plague me?

"Oh...Hi, remember me? I'm the curse you can't pawn off, or drink away, you have to deal with me or I'm never leaving you alone!" And in my mind, my curse sticks its tongue out at me too. And makes me eat cookies.

So, GET OVER IT already, right? I've heard this all before. I wish life were so simple.

(if only there was a petfinder for men....unlike dating sites, they would live with real foster families who could vouch for their good and bad habits, and relationship needs...loves to snuggle, hates cats, no small children....)

Where Work Gets in the Way....

I was pretty sad today, when during workout #2, I see on the 5:00 news that my future husband #3, (Right behind Edwin McCain, and Jason Stathom) Matthew Fox (Jack Shepherd, and Charlie Salenger!!!) was a mere stones throw away from my very own apartment, filming with Tyler Perry in the new movie about a series of James Patterson books I love about Alex Cross! Perry is Alex Cross? ( I always pictured as a sexy Blair Underwood, and in the past was played by Morgan Freeman...really, movie makers? Didn't you read these books??)

This is a sign that I should read the local paper like a real adult.

I could have totally taken vacation. I have a week left with nothing to do, and no promising proposals on the horizon. I could have innocently walked Mr. Magoo down to the cemetary, and peeped some celebrities, if even from afar. I could have walked the same street he walked.

Sure, they also filmed at Stan Hewitt, which I attend once a year in October for the craft fair, and enjoy hot cider, and hot fresh gingerbread cookies. Or on the occasion that a friend gets married there. But, I can't walk there in minutes like I could at the cemetary. Just thinking they were so close, makes me want to cry.

Yes, Clevelanders, most of this is filmed in your city, but nothing ever happens in Akron. This is the biggest thing since that one rock lady opened the vegan restaurant downtown!

Sigh.

I'm just not meant to get married yet. I think he'll wait for me.

But, I swear, if I see the lunatic lady that lives across from me, and wears duct tape on her mouth in the movie, I will just die.

The wonderful wizard of oz....

I wish you really could make people walk a mile in your shoes. And feel your feelings, and live your life.

It seems I'm met with a lack empathy, and compassion. Too often people relate their own experiences to what you are dealing with, and often those are bad ones. Well this is what happened to me, so thats what will happen to you.....

Everyone is different. We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions. And while it is nice to get advice when you ask for it, sometimes, you just want to be heard. You want someone to say, "I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry....." You don't need the extra garbage that goes along with it. You know, the "get over it-s" and the "you're better than him-s". I don't blame myself a tall for the demise of the relationship I can't get past.

Usually by now, I am able to see my fault in what went wrong. But that's just it....nothing went wrong with it.

I've been dying on the inside every day for the last 5 months. And its time to start dealing with it, vs. stuffing it away, and turning it into hate.

Close your eyes, and imagine your perfect match. From the first communication, to the first time you meet, a spark and connection that you've never had. That you didn't know existed.

Imagine enjoying every second you are with that person, and loving the feeling of closeness you have when you are together. A warm feeling when you think about them. Imagine laughter, silliness, and a caring that you've never experienced before. Think about how you can't stand to be apart, and love to hold hands, and snuggle up together. Feel the butterflies in your stomach you still get at the thought of him after almost three years.

Imagine having everything you ever wanted, and not wanting to change one single thing about a person. Not a thing. Think about being able to accept every habit, and quirk they have....Then, imagine that person feels exactly the same way, and people actually envy what you have. YOU!?

Then..imagine it ends because that person is scared. Not because of anything wrong with your seemingly perfect relationship, or the fact that you cant get along, or the love has died... but because they are scared.

Now, try to get past that and move on. When everything is a disappointment, because its not him. Try to forget how it felt when he held you, and try to forget that the one person you fell so hard for, is no longer in your life. For no real reason.

Time. Yes. I've heard it all before. I'm 34, I've had my heart broken countless times, suffered depression during my divorce so bad, I had to be coached for several weeks into how to take a bath and wash my hair, because I simply didn't want to exist anymore.

So, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been on this ride many times, and survived. But its the hardest one. And I wish I knew when the ride will end.

Maybe jobs aren't like exes....

I don't know that I really have been up to anything exciting. Other than the bachelorette party for the wedding I'm in come September 18th. And, you know those are top secret. We had a lot of laughs, lots of drinks, tons of dancing, and ended the night at my new favorite place, the gay bar near my house.

The gay bar is awesome cus its swanky, they play awesome music, and you can dance with anyone on the dance floor and not get dirty looks, or drinks spilled on you. It's like a happy family. If I didn't love boys so much, I'd be gay too.

What else is super awesome in my life is that my a/c compressor is going in my stratus. While you may say good thing its winter, unfortunatly the belt that spins on that part also runs my power steering so even though a friends uncle disconnected the compressor, it still "free spins" and makes noise, and eventually it will seize up and I'll lose power steering.

This means I have to fix it. This also means, that starting tomorrow I'm working my old second job again. I'm hoping that going back to old jobs isn't bad like a stupid ex boyfriend.

pause for disgust.....

What's different this time, is I don't need the job to survive, so quitting will be much easier. I'm only working 12 hours a week vs. 30. Three days vs. five, and I'm hoping to only do it for two months. They actually called me out of the blue last week to see if I'd come back as a temp for a project. So, I took it as a sign.

Until I learn how to grow money on trees, I gotta do what I gotta do!

Matters of the Heart...

I think I slept a couple of hours last night. In between crying. There was a period of time when i didn't cry, and that was when someone from the past called me. This time it wasn't an asshole ex boyfriend.

It was my booty call....This was all before I met my manfriend, it went on for about a year, thats all it was and thats what we wanted at the time. I started to miss being in a relationship, and it never came up. When I met manfriend online, and we started talking, I stopped communications with the booty call. I told him I was dating someone. And then that I was in love with someone.

There were a couple of times he would text me on a sunday, and id say, im good, im still with my BF, im in love. That sort of thing. He sent me a text first, and when i told him i wasnt doing well, and he asked if it was bad, and i responded "matters of the heart" then he called me.

My own manfriend never called me.

He did happen to see us together (me and the manfriend) at a mutual friends party. And I never said hey manfriend, there is the guy I use to bang for kicks. Because thats classless. But the BC said last night that he was jealous seeing me with someone else.

They always come back, don't they? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I seem to have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men who one day decide they are stupid so they try to get back with me. I know I'm someones perfect girlfriend and wife. I have that in me. I need someone to appreciate it, not throw it all away.

I talked to BC for an hour and a half. He told me he was sorry I was going through what i was going through, and it was nice to get a males perspective on it. Which was, its a cop out on manfriend's part. If he really feels the way he says about me then he wouldn't walk away. He also said sometimes girls are more mature and we seem to have everything figured out in our heads, and guys have a hard time catching up.

Then he told me how he always thought I was a really great girl, and we had fun together, but it didn't go anywhere. I said eventually I wanted more. He told me I never told him that I did, and I never gave it a chance to go anywhere. I said we saw each other for an awful long time for it to not go anywhere.

I said if there is one thing you learn in life, its not to bring up wanting more to a man, it scares them away. I am old fashioned and always thought it was up to the guy to make those decisions. (shouldn't I have followed my own advice, and not brought up the M word to manfriend?) He said do you think theres a reason I called? I said to complicate things. Everything happens for a reason. He made me laugh. We talked about life, marriage, relationships, kids (puke), and the future. It reassured me that yes, I am in fact a great girl, and that manfriend is making a huge mistake.

BC said he just wasnt ready for a realtionship when we were hooking up, and I said I wasnt either at the time, I was fine with things the way they were. He said sometimes he can be hit with a good thing and not know it. Sometimes he has to get hit a few times. He hasnt had a relationship for a few years, because he got hurt. And said he doesn't miss what I'm going through.

I told him how I feel about manfriend, and that I'm definately not ready to hook up, or try anything else more serious. I would only transfer my emotions onto him and who would know if my feelings were real. I know what I want, and if I can't have it, I'll get over it some day. And I can move on then.

I always seem to be what every guy I date wants. But the timing is off. BC said that he is 33 and starting to think about the future, and that makes him think about me. Words I wish I could hear from the person I love.

I sent manfriend a long email. Everyone said it was good. But it laid it all out there. We're working on this or we arent. I can't have an in between. And he said he agrees we should get together and talk. And thats the plan for tonight. There is no real hope in the "we should talk" aspect.

I certainly don't want to be begging for him to take me back. But I want to honestly know if he wants this to work out. If he is not sure, he can fuck off. If he doesn't know what he wants, too bad for him. I do, and that gives me the option of finding it one day. Him? I honestly think hes going to be one of the guys that realizes he screwed up, and calls me when I'm with my new boyfriend.

And then I get a text this morning. Of course, my heart flutters at the hope it would be manfriend. It wasn't. It was the BC. He asked if I got any sleep and had good dreams. I told him no i didn't sleep very well at all, and he said he knows its rough, and to hang in there, he'll leave me alone for a while. Which, is what I need. Casual sex is a nice distraction, but it also fucks up your head big time when you have a broken heart.

There was a time when my manfriend use to ask me those things, Did I sleep well. How is my day. And now. I'm crying again. Love is grand.

I am looking at an apartment closer to work today. Hopefully two. If nothing else I need a fresh start. Too many memories at my place that I can't get over. And I need a distraction. A healthy distraction, something to focus on. I've been taking up space at work between smoke breaks a.k.a ive been useless.

The kicker...several of manfriends friends have messaged me that they think he is stupid, and one in particular told me I'm better off. I think that one sticks with me the most. Because it is almost as if he knows something I dont, and I'd like to explore that more. I want to ask manfriend about it but dont want to throw anyone under the bus in the meantime. I like to think maybe I'm better off because he doesn't know what he wants. Not because he did anything to hurt me behind my back.

But honestly that would make more sense than the reasons he gave me.

Remember when I said "i want to find my someone I can't live without?"

Maybe I wish I didn't get what I asked for. Cus living without someone you cant live without hurts.


I am confused. I'm tired of crying. I don't know how someone can talk to you about love and wanting to be together. But not know how to work through the issue we have. Together.

He's gone back and forth, and the truth is I need to decide what I want. Do I want to hold on to a glimmer of hope that he will want me? Wait, he wants to be with me and sees a future for us but he cant be with me cus we aren't together enough.

Its hard to get past this. I know he made a mistake and he will realize it one day but that doesnt stop the hurt.

I want to move so much to forget the memories we made there. I cant go on hoping, I told him we are going to work it out, or we're not. No in between with me. I can't take a break and start fresh.

I can't be away from the person who feels like my heart.

I think its stupid.

And selfish.

And undeniably painful. The problem with having such a deep love is the deep pain. I was never ever as happy as I was with him. And he sure fooled me.

There is something more to it. You don't leave what we had for a reason that can be fixed. We don't want to chang each other. It's geographical.

Unless you are completely stupid.

I think its not you its me, is the oldest one in the book. And I wasn't born yesterday.

If there is more, I would love to know. Getting thru this would be so much easier.

Broken...

And just like that I lost the greatest love of my life. Maybe I would have expected this if I had ever given an ultimatum. I was patient. Understanding. I knew from the get go he had problems from the past he needed to deal with. I was willing to wait.

He didn't want to hurt me. So instead he ripped out my heart. Don't we know how painless that is?

You don't find a love like we had every day. Even sobbing, I can't think of one thing to hate about him, except for the fact that he is a coward, and took the easy way out. We were always happy. Always laughing. Happy just snuggling on the couch. The way I felt in his arms was indescribable.

I have asked the question before, do you end a perfect relationship because he isn't sure about the future? He would tell me he saw us together. I am everything he wants. He told me today I am so good to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He told me he is holding me back. He needs to deal with his past hurts. I guess he can't do that with me. He said he wishes there was something else we could do, besides end it. Well there is but he wont live with me. He told me he needs an in between. When I'm sick he wants to come over and take care of me, but living far apart stops that from happening. He thinks it would help him move forward with me.

But in the same breath, it wasn't even given as an option. No chance. Obviously hes wanted to do this for a long time. It was hard for us. We cried. We sobbed. And eventually, he gathered everything he had at my house, and walked away. Out of my life. The best two years of my life have come to an end.

I have been crying for almost 12 hours. My mom gave me xanax and a nerve pill so I stopped for a while. I think he is afraid to be happy. He told me that he would say to himself that I was everything he wanted, and asked himself what is wrong with him that he cant move forward. Is it him or is it me?

You could ask anyone who knew us, they were all shocked. I really saw myself married to him. Rocking on the porch with him. Still chasing him around in a walker trying to pinch his buns. The truth is, my saying I wanted to marry him scared him. But I guess if he is too afraid to be happy he deserves whatever miserable box he puts himself into.

It makes no sense, and I really am starting to think there is someone else. You dont throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared. I was the girl I always wanted to be with him. I felt so loved. And loved so much. I gave freely of myself. I loved doing things for him and taking care of him. I trusted him completely, and never held him back from having his own life.

I supported all his decisions and always had his back. We were the two cutest people I've ever known. And I will miss that. I hurt. I miss him with every ounce of my body. I cant wait to run out of tears.

I was blindsided.

I'm confused.

But worst of all I'll never fall asleep in his arms again and wake up being so happy. I'm holding on to hope that he will wise up and come back. But I wish I wasn't. It's making this so hard. I sent him a message and his response was that he wished that it didn't have to end that way and that we could have come to a solution. Hes happy he learned to love again.

It sounds like all I was to him was a big fat lesson. And as I said before, he will learn from this and move on with the next girl that comes along.

With what I had. I just want to die.

You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel...

I got a flat tire Saturday at the manfriends. Luckily, I thought, I am with a man who can help me. It turns out, nothing can help me.

We spent a couple hours trying to get the wheel off. Manfriend is strong too. The landlord tried to help. A neighbor tried to help. They used some stuff that eats thru rust.

We called a mechanic that said we need an impact drill. Called the towing company they said they could get it off. They had a drill with 70 psi (whatever that means) and that wouldn't budge it. Finally, manfriend had fix a flat. Used that and drove to get another can.

I have a nail in my tire.

The neighbors brother has an air drill or whatever those shop things are, that does 100 psi (whatever that means) and that wouldn't budge it.

The world could implode, and there would sit my Dodge Stratus, with the left rear wheel still attached. Maybe it can cure world hunger or something spectacular like that. My Dad would be proud. "American" made.

You know, Friday my wages were garnished. I have no money. I can't pay to have my freaking tire removed. It's just about the stupidest thing I've had to deal with.

No, I can't get a flat, I have to have a bionic wheel, and no way to cash in on its sheer strength!

Oh, guess what else? I'm going to the gyno today. That tops off the wonderful weekend. At least I'm finally going to use my insurance, and go to a real gyno, with soft chairs, and mood lighting, and cloth gowns, and two stirrups (at planned parenthood inevitably one is always broken) and peaceful music vs. 16 kids screaming in the waiting room while their mom (they all belong to one teenager) is getting her 17th pregnancy test.

Upon relating my weekend to my boss. She told me to take a mental health day tomorrow. Not vacation, personal time, that I don't have to account for, even though, I still have 72 vacation hours to use this year.

Maybe I've mentioned that I have the best boss ever?

Chase Bank Can Suck It....

I've decided that besides selling all my worldly belongings (trying) to have money to survive, I'm going to get rich off of Chase bank. You know how they are screwing the world over? I'm one of them. I'm hoping for a nice class action lawsuit. Did you know that I love to have dreams?



My song and dance is that, (cue violin) I filed bankruptcy in 1999 due to the fact that my ex husband cheated on me (several times) and then abandoned me with all of our bills and a house I hadn't the slightest idea how to take care of. I made $7.25/hr. The past 10 years were spent rebuilding my credit because of that, because soon followed a reposession, a foreclosure, loss of job, and a personal breakdown. Toss in there my 12 year old cat died. It's not easy to rebuild your credit.


The long story would tell you how after my asshole husband, I lived with a few other assholes who treated me like crap until I finally got back on my own. Where I had no cable, free heat, and lived on ramon noodles, and McDonalds hamburgers for a few years, did my laundry in the bathtub, and owed my ass to cash advance.

Then I started a second job.

So, I've struggled. I've been there. A good 10 years was rough, but there were times that were harder than others. Up until almost 2 years ago I worked two jobs. 8am-11pm. Or, when I worked at the police station, I worked 8-5, and then 11-7am. I had no life. I was miserable. I did things like I don't want to struggle again. I didn't pay my taxes because I didn't have the money. I only in the past year got a promotion and raise, and was able to quit my second job and have a "normal" life.

So, that's what scares me about being faced with this tax stuff. I've been there.

On to the weekend. Cookout at the manfriend's tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to see the Akron Aeros in a suite with some school friends, and the manfriend. Free fun rocks!

Check Your Bags at The Door...

There is nothing worse in my opinion, to bring your old crap into a new relationship. I spent years and years doing this. "that guy was a total douche, so therefore you will be a douche too". Boys do it too...."she controled my life, so you will too, so here I am being a dick and I'll do what I want" The result of that, is not giving any new person a fair shot. Seeing them only through your own filters. Not hitting the 'reset' button between relationships. Taking time to process the ups and downs. Feel the pain. Be on your own. I'm guilty of it.

He hit me so you will too. He hated to talk so you do too. He loved to yell so you must love it too.

I carried around a ton of baggage my whole life. Mainley the baggage from my shitty-ass marriage. I never knew that I could let go of it, or even start to unpack my bags until I heard the following which I think was probably on Oprah..."allowing someone from the past to affect your future, is giving them power over your life, why would you do that after all this time".

Huh? You mean, after like, 7 years of being divorced, the fact that I'm unhappy is because I am allowing him to still make me unhappy? Yes. That's exactly it. It's now been 10 years, and the past few years after this epiphany for me have been amazing. What made it easier, is seeing this asshole and having the conversation with him about things he did to me, and him not remembering any of it. He'd moved on. He didn't think about how he hurt me, not one bit. Yet, I was still carrying it around using it to be a victim.

That was all it took for me. Realizing that someone else was ruling my emotions. Affecting my attitude, controling my future. I choose how my life will be. It's not dictated to me by anyone. (this is why I follow the buddhist beliefs vs. Christian)

I only wish I knew how to help other people have the same realization. That the only person carrying your old crap around is hurting, is you. But then I realized....

It's also hurting the person that loves you. And that is where I am. In the moment, I'm so exceptionally happy, and I feel loved, and give love. If I go past the moment and dip a toe into the future, I'm in turmoil. The turmoil comes from the manfriend not letting go of his past. It's holding back a future for us together. The more I think about it the more I panic. The more my own baggage tells me to run away fast, but I am not giving into it. I make my rules. Not my stinking thinking.

I wish I could help him get past it, but I can't. They are his bags to unpack. I just wish he'd at least take out the socks (har-d-harrrr) But more and more I realize that I'm allowing someone else's "crap" to hurt me. Just like I did for so long with my ex-husband, and more and more I realize that I'm not going to be able to accept that. And it hurts.

**************LOST!*****************
All I have to say is I TOLD YOU JIN WAS ALIVE! Having seen Kate on the island, and also knowing she is in "real time" back home, reinstates the fact that the whispers on the island were the losties time traveling. Also, the times you thought you saw ghosts, they were just time traveling. Now, I want to know why Walt went back to distract shannon, and why she got shot. Something worse must have been in the works for her.....You know they'll cover all that, cus c'mon its LOST!

Obviously benry gale (or whatever you call him) has something to gain from getting everyone back to the island. But what? I have to search my sites today to see what those medical papers were Sun had...and who was in the pictures with Jack she had in her back seat. Something is not quite right with Sun.

Holey hell.....the french lady? I totally knew when they were speaking en francais that it would be her. Also, have to look for a translation today to see wtf those fools were saying. I don't like that Juliette's nose bled. You besta not kill her off before her and Sawyer do the nasty. Oh, it's happening.

That asian guy who's name I cant remember, maybe isn't a ghost whisperer after all...maybe he just has been time traveling all this time. I sure cant wait to time travel. There's some people who's nads I'd like to kick!

We Interrupt This Breakdown for an update...

I miss the rain. The rain makes puddles, and one could trip, and fall face-down into a puddle and find some peace. I'm having a bad existance right now. I was doing so well with myself. Upbeat, working out, eating good, feeling good, laughing and carrying on at work, having fun at home. And as is typical with me, it takes one thing to throw me off-balance. One "crisis" can uproot my whole flow. And throw me into a hopeless, depressed state. Well, to be fair this time, it's not just one thing. It's a bunch of things having to do with my brother.

Stuff I'm forbidden to even talk about publicly. The gist of it is, my brother's got some serious issues, and I'm soley responsible for him and his well-being. And even that isn't as bad as it really is. I spent half a day looking for ways to help him, only to have the ideas shot down by everyone involved. No one wants to find help, but they sure want to tell me the help I did find, wouldn't be good enough for him. The simple problem is, he is still in the hospital. Having to go visit him. Take him food. Worry about the procedures they do. Then, when he gets out, he's staying with me. I have to learn how to clean his wound, change bandages, and hook up this vaccume to it to suck out the pus and blood. You're jealous.

Add to the stress of my brother, which is a truck-ton of bullshit, the fact that I havn't slept for days. When I do I have nightmares about me, about my family. I havn't had time to workout. for 3 days. Pile on a super-busy-shitty week at work. Then give a few dashes of your roomate not getting paid for their job. Freak out, and wonder how are you going to care for your brother, when you can barely support yourself? How can you pay the increased bills, when your roomate isn't helping, but sucking up the energy? Think about the mess you have to get your brother out of. Call yourself a fucking idiot, for trusting said-roomate. Beat yourself up, as only you can do with such precision. Let all of this soak in, and then leave the house to have your nervous breakdown. In private.

Go to work after spending time at the hospital, unpacking brother's wound machine, wash 4 more loads of his laundry, dry, fold and hang them. Steam clean your carpets, because now, the dog has also taken to not giving a shit about life and she's pissing everywhere she can. Argue with your roomate about not having the money he owes you, take a bath at 11:30 and go to bed. Toss and turn, and realize that you think you threw away your $300 earrings. Yea. Last week. I turned the house upside-down last night.

Go to work and have to re-do a project 16 times because your boss gives you the wrong info. The whole company uses said project, and no one does anything to take responsibilty for the fuck ups off of you. Then, have another manager get in your shit cus you didn't FILE A CONFERENCE CALL LOG. Seriously. This was the breaking point for the day, at 9 am, I proceeded to lose my shit at work. So, I had to tell my boss everything that's going on. She feels super bad, and said to take whatever time I need. Sure. Go ahead and have time off work, just don't expect to get paid. No thank you.

My brother needs more help than I can give him. I have a long list of things that need to be done to help him. He's not working obviously, while he is healing. He'll be relying on me. Me..who feels overwhelmed and unable to handle the task. When did two wrongs make a right? When did we start letting the blind lead the blind? Have I mentioned, that my dog is partialy blind too? Because I can't count on her to lead me anywhere. I'm not mentally stable myself. Obviously.

It's a hopeless situation. There is no possible way 1 person can fix the problems he has. Have I ever mentioned, how I don't want kids? Um, I think I have. Why? Because they are too much fucking work. Because if it's ok for my brother to live how he does, and we still love him, and bend over backwards to help him, why can't I get some handouts?

I get really sick of hearing how hard life is. People who think life is hard are fucking idiots. I have no compassion for them. All you have to do is live. How hard is living? Really? Your body does it for you. Feed me. Let me pee. I have to shit. Phew I stink. I'm tired. Oh yea, is that beathing I detect? I don't even have to remember to breathe? Damn! Life is easy. It sort of just happens.

It's what YOU make of it YOURSELF, that makes it difficult. Get a job. Go to work. Live somewhere that makes you happy. Have some fun. Surround yourself with people you like. I mean, seriously, what's hard about it? You don't make enough money, but you want to enjoy yourself sometimes, and have nice things? Get another job. Can't get another job? Get a second job. Quit complaining about what you dont have, and learn how to get it for yourself. Stop expecting other people to support you and your lack of ambition for your own life. If you dont give a shit about yourself, no one else will. I've been down. I've been out. I can certainly see how PEOPLE and CHEMICAL IMBALANCES can bring you down. But life? It's not life. Get some mental freaking help, and move on.

And that my friends, is the mood I've been in latley!

Everything I Need To Know About Love, I Learned From My Pets....

Like I said yesterday, I'm delving into my issues with food, and trying to fix the real problem in my life. This is going to take a long time. I'm using "When Food is Food & Love is Love" By Geneen Roth. At the end of the program, she read the following peice, that made me bawl, each time I listened to it. And I'm not very emotional.

For me, I don't feel like I deserve love. This comes from a past of physical, and mental abuse from those I thought loved me, the men in my life. I turned to food, and I still do to this day, but I'm working on it. It's hard.

I often wonder, why it is that I am so connected with animals. I know the obvious is that they love unconditionally, and they do not hurt me, and the definately won't abandon me. I treat my pets better than most people treat their children. Anyone who knows me, can attest to that. They are a source of constant love and forgiveness. In this book, she read an excerpt from another one of her books "The Craggy Hole In My Heart and The Cat Who Fixed it" It's 'written by' her cat, Blanche, the day before his memorial service. It spoke to my heart, as I can hear any one of my pets saying these words to me:

You cannot see me splayed in the sun room looking as if I am surfing on a wave of light. You cannot see me lapping up the dripping water in the bathtub,
curled on the couch in the TV room, or snoring in the laundry basket.

This deceives you into believing I am not here.
But you're only looking with your physical eyes
Look again.

Look with the eyes beneath your eyes, the quivering life beneath what you call your life. As you are beginning to discover, it's what you can see with those eyes, that is most compelling.

It's time to begin living the shimmery, glimmery, sun-lit life you gave me, but havn't let yourself fully inhabit.

Everyone knows I had a better life and death than most people on the planet.
Between the acupuncturists, and the psychics; between being hand-fed and carried everywhere, having mice heads to eat, dogs to chase, fences to jump, and corn on the cob to nibble on, there was nothing the physical world didn't offer for my pleasure.

And who wouldn't want a death like mine; carried around in a cashmere snuggly, touched sweetly until my last breath with a zen preist, and a pearly godmother chanting softly beside me.

All that was good, but the pleasures of the physical world; jeweled collars and sparkly necklaces, white downy blankets and dried salmon flakes, were not the real treasure.

It was the love.
It was always the love.

It was the fact that you delighted every time you saw me. Every time for seventeen and a half years I knew, that just by walking into a room, your heart would fling out streamers of joy.

So I kept walking, so that your heart could keep flinging.
And I kept putting my paws on your face, so that your body could keep relaxing.
And I kept purring, so you would know there was safety in this world.
But it wasn't me, anymore than it was the jeweled collars.

It was you.
It was always you.

You use to mistake the symbol of the treasure, for the treasure.
The marker for the thing itself. The gift from God, for God.
As if all you could possibly hope for, was a thing you could touch.
A token, rather than all of shining existance.
Since you hadn't let yourself know that shimmering fully, you kept turning to what reminded you of it; glitter, and baubles, and sparkles.
As if having those, was having the real thing.
As if that was the best you could do.

It was time for me to go. I told you I would stay until you were strong enough to live without me, and I did. And you are. Until your heart spread like dragonfly wings, until you didn't need me to know you had a heart. As long as I was in the pysical body you relied on me. You believed I was the locus of that love.

Now you can find out for yourself, what is true.
Do not greive for me, I am in a place where tuna fish juice flows like water. Where I can jump like the wind, and every place is silky, and sunny.

If you must, greive for what you wont allow yourself to have.
Grieve for all the ways you separate yourself from this radience.
From laying down in a patch of sun at 2:00 on any old day, and from knowing you are beloved, on this earth.

It really made me realize, that while I see myself as un-loveable, and un-loving, it simply isn't true. I show my pets such love, and it comes back to me through them. They have taught me without my realizing it, that it is ok to love. And ok to trust. The connection we share, is out of the love that I am able to give. I am not really hiding, like I thought I was.

It's what Oprah would call an "Ah-Ha" moment.