"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, January 31, 2011


If you ever listen to anything I say....

Never..ever ever.. beg a man to stay with you when all he wants to do is leave.

Good luck getting your pride back after that.

Upside...at least it wasn't a note this time. Even if it was an equally lame excuse.

Maybe more on this topic at a later date.

P.S. I also advise standing behind me on getting trash trucks banned from Monday morning pick ups. Really? Monday at 5 am? Fuckers.

P.P.S. I'm thinking of becoming a nun. On Oprah, they made it seem pretty hip, but I'd need someone on the inside to make fun of the rest of them with. Who's with me?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Stuffed Up..

A side effect of eating even some jail food is first, diarrhea, and then constipation. I don't know which is worse really.

All I know is that I am going on day # 5 with no "bowel movement" (proper!) My Mom said its cus I have nothing in my stomach, which isn't true, I did eat some food there, and have eaten since I've been home.

I've also taken three double doses of Metamucil the past two days, with no action.

Since it's pretty much the most painful thing I've endured, (wait..besides my month long ear infection!) I have decided when I give birth to this 2-3 pound monstrosity, I should do it on the courtroom steps...for all my sistas in the 203 (that was my dorm) who are still stuck eating that crap.

Oh...sorry sistas, that may land me back in the slammer. You're on your own.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


You have a lot of time in jail to think. Mostly, about how your life isn't so bad because most of those people were addicted to drugs, alcohol, or both. It makes the little things that piss you off seem nonexistent. You wonder why you got mad about this or that. I sat and thought about how good a few days in jail would do everyone who isn't grateful for what blessings they do have.

Their lives were always shitty, still are shitty, and they have nothing to be happy about. If I weren't me I may have gotten drug down into the abyss of sadness. I guess the only way you have a second, third, or fifth offense, is that you have a problem and simply can't stop yourself from drinking, and therefore driving. Because you certainly should learn your lesson the first time.

In Ohio, the "legal" limit is .08 which is a drink. I think most people assume when you get a DUI that you are loaded, and you deserve to be punished the way I was. You are impaired after a sip according to the law. However, many people had a lower BAC, because there is no limit in the state. All you can really do is never have a drink with dinner if you are driving, or leave the house or a party if you've consumed any alcohol.

I spent three days in an educational jail, which is...jail, aside from the fact that we had some classes. Where we really did learn a lot about the law. Which should really be more accessible to people who aren't already in trouble to prevent first time offenses, but what do I know. They assume that everyone has a "problem" and give you billions of tests, and assessments to decide if you do. However, you never meet with the same person more than once, or more than five minutes so how they decide that is beyond me. Some people were referred for more treatment, and are thus stuck in the system until it's complete. I wasn't referred but they did deduct that I am stubborn from their psychological test.


Everyone in that jail was pretty cool, but after three days with a bunch of women, people get on your nerves. It's jail, so we ate jail food. Bread block, (sometimes with a bonus peach, or blueberry..at least we think that was a blueberry) milk, and mystery meat, and thats if you are lucky. All we did for days was crap, and you didn't want to shower, but those of us in for 6 days, had no choice.

My three days in real jail, was worse. We were housed with men in the same building, who did whatever they could to get you to "show them something". We are instructed not to look at them and I never do. Who wants to first...pick up a guy in jail and second, be there any longer than necessary. They tell you when to get up, when to get down, when to move from one room to another, when you can go outside, when to come back in (three minutes later) and are always harping at you on the loud speaker for one thing or another.

All you do is lay in your bed, starving, in pain, and listen to people bitch and moan about being there, as if it makes it any better. You get tired of hearing peoples "stories". I lay in my bed and read, and cry. And think about whats really important in life. Which is everything I don't have in jail. I will never go back. I keep to myself to save from any of the drama going on, and time ticks by slowly. And you think. Alot.

It makes me feel better about life, because I do have something to come home to. My boyfriend doesnt beat me, I don't have kids missing me, and I am not going through any sort of withdrawl from a substance, locked in a room with nothing to do. I have a car to drive, and a place to go home to.

It sucked, and I have been shaking from malnutrition, and nerves for days. I am so happy to be done, that I can't say I didn't deserve it. If I had only gotten a slap on the wrist I'd soon forget the law I broke. I have this memory to last me a lifetime. So, while it sucked hairy balls that I had to go to jail, have party plates, a breathalizer, numerous fines, and liscense suspension, I can say that I did learn a valuable lesson. I'm alot luckier than 99% of the women I met these past few days, and for that, I am thankful.

And while I've been through a lot in my lifetime thus far, I can add to the list that I've been to jail, and I can truly handle anything.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Pardon Me...

While I'm off the grid for a while. I go to jail this week, and the impending doom has set in for me.

I plan to be filfthy because a) im not showering in a room of women I don't know, and b)you try finding all your hygeine products in clear original bottles.

You are only allowed clear..and no alchohol in anything. Because the first thing I want to do when I get there, is drink all my hygeine products to get the buzz on...totally. I'm going to be with those kind of people. I'm not those kind of people. To each his own but I prefer my drink in a glass, chilled, maybe shaken depending on the cocktail.

What have I learned...hmmmm....don't drink and drive, and especially not in podunk Ohio, where they treat your first offense like a 5th offense.

I know the dear state is hoping they will make me never drink again by telling me how horrible I am for doing it. But fear not taxpayers, your money is not wasted. I got the honor and priveledge of paying for this intervention.

Let's pray that I don't wind up knifed, razored, ball point penned,. or salad tossed in my sleep...which is a legitimate concern seeing how I have to bunk with "non violent criminals" out in the open. I watch that show Lock up...I know what goes on in this type of minimum security jail. And it aint pretty if you are straight, or enjoy breathing.

Oh yea...this is gonna be totally sweet. I'm so not the type of person that will fare well in lock up.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Moms know just what to say..

A 3:30 a.m. text to my Mom.

Me: "I just woke up from a good dream, and I woke up peeing the bed. I just peed two hours ago. I guess like an old dog now I have to stop drinking water before bed time"

Mom: "Lol everybody does it..prob trauma to the bladder from sex"

Ok, but really? Peeing the bed? And what kind of sex would cause bladder trauma (the good kind...holla!!)

So, I stopped myself before it got thru my underpants to my pj's but when you are peeing the bed, do the details really matter?


Diapers look to be on the horizon.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Be Careful What You Wish For...

You know, I'm all about thinking yourself happy and visualizing the end result of what you want in life, and seeing the good, and blah blah, you know you wanna be me, blah blah.

Well, you know the universe works in strange ways. I have for a long time hated my fat arms and started and stopped working them out with weights, because its too hard and "I work out enough dammit!".

So, in order to make my dream a reality, (awesome arms ARE on my vision board) the universe made my power steering go out on my car.

Now, every day I have sore arms from trying to steer my way to and fro. (I said fro) And I imagine in just a few short weeks I'll have fabulous looking arms at this rate.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I don't wanna die...

I'm really suprised that more people are not completely freaked out about all those dead birds and fish in Arkansas and Louisiana.

I mean, don't you people watch movies? Birds are always the first to die when we are attacked by aliens, or chemicals, or nuclear warheads. And remember how miners would take birds into the mines, and if the bird died they had to hightail it out of there? Birds are kind of important. Maybe I should quit making fun of my mom for having one....(pause for contemplation)...nah, she's still crazy for having a bird.

Havn't you seen The Seventh Sign? The bird flu? Aren't dead blackbirds your first indicator of a West Nile Virus breakout? What about The Happening??? Werent there a bunch of dead blackbirds in the beginning of "The Event" this season???

Ummmmm...yea. I think birds are kind of important. I don't like the BS they are feeding the world about fireworks. Um, why arent there more mass bird deaths in July then? Anyone? Or, the weather, or HAIL or RAIN got them? How many birds do you see flying around out in the freaking rain?

Call me silly but when I was little that was how we knew to go inside from playing when all the birds were gone and the wind picked up. They know its going to rain so they hide assholes. By 'assholes', and 'they', I mean the government who is trying to cover up some big horrible thing that is happening!!!!!

Since I'm well versed in movies and heresay, I also know that there have been many times when the world was ending, and one of the safest places to live was Ohio. I believe even Nostradamus said that.

So, while all the rest of you will be fighting off zombies, and dead birds, I'll be holed up safe and sound in my house. Don't even think about coming to my house and eat my cats either! I wouldn't eat your kids, leave mine alone! Plus they look big and fat but its all hair!

Oh and Pee, ess....holeyfuckingshit did you see that Hurley's numbers from lost were almost the exact mega million winning lottery numbers?????? Did you know that I miss Lost? Sigh.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

No such thing as TMI...

I attended a friends wedding this weekend. It was at a private, intimate location. Mind you it was New Years Day, and I had been up til 5 am the previous night. Because, well it was NYE!

So..my morning poo at the FH (we're calling him this for future husband , cus, its good to have dreams) house was green. Now, I try to pretend I don't fart, poop, or burp but this time I had to tell someone I had green poo.

After much discussion about my green poo we decided that it was from the Grape Four Loko I had before going out to the NYE festivities. Phew. I'm not dying of stomach rot or anything.

I also had lots of vodka and seltzers. And...food I had sworn off for weeks prior so I could fit into my jeans. Buffalo dip, potatos, sour cream. I even ate a ham meatball on accident, so my body was probably rejecting the pig. (it was good, ok?)

Cut to the next day, hungover, rushing to get to this wedding over an hour away, in like, an hour, with the craps. We make it on time, the ceremony is over, I make my way to the toilet. And, do my green business. But when I try to flush the toilet. It doesn't flush.

At first I think, I'll just leave it, but then what if someone's outside waiting to go, and they KNOW I'm the green non flushing pooper? I keep fiddling with the handle and nothings happening. So I take the back of the toilet off, its not filling up with water!!!!! I was trapped. I panicked! I saw dixie cups and I started filling up the back of this toilet....


Which I think is about comparable to filling up the bath tub with an 8oz glass of water. In other words, slower than molasses! When I finally succeeded, I pulled the rubber plunger up and flushed the toilet that way. (My dad was a plumber so thank the stars I at least knew that...) When I finally emerged, FH asked if I was ok.

I had to tell him what happened, and he went in to look at the toilet for me.

And that's the story about the time I almost couldn't flush my green hangover poo at a stranger's house. And maybe now if you have a grape Four Loko, you won't freak out if you have green poo like I did!