"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, August 05, 2005

My Coming Out....

Whoever pissed God off today, should apologize. I think he might be taking us all out for it! We had the worst storms. I HATE storms! I am afraid I will be struck by lightning while I sleep. I have a really positive attitude! It was flooded here, the streets, the yards, my potted plants, were all swimming! My poor dog was cuddled up UNDER the blankets with me this morning. Followed me from room to room, she is adorable when she is scared! My poor baby!

I am coming out this wknd. In public. I will be wearing a bathing suit. This will be the first time in like, 8 years that I have done this. Last year, I wore one on vacation at my mom and sis's. I never owned one until then, since I was 20. But we're family, and were the only ones at the pool every day. And I'll never see those other people again. TWDSO didn't swim either (he was a pretty big pussy since he was taller than the deepest end of the pool!!) so I didn't have to worry about him seeing me either. And no one can see you in the dirty ocean of Virginia Beach. Cept, the sealife. And, what do they know?

I am going to the beach with Tayray and Ahnolde. (beach = lake in Ohio) WG said he wanted to go swimming sometime. I told him I wouldn't. It didn't make sense to him, why he can see me naked but not in a bathing suit. Guys just don't seem to get it! There is something different about being 'in public' and in a bathing suit. They squeeze and squish you. Or suck up all your fat into one spot. We don't have people taping our boobs together, and airbrushing us thin like in those sports illustrated magazines you know!!! Photoshoping cellulite away. Giving you cleavage.
I didn't even go shopping for my suit last year. I bought it online and hoped for the best. Something about shopping for them too! It is just a big ordeal to me.

While I am not completely comfortable being seen, 'the beach' is far away and Tayray and Ahnolde are my friends. I won't feel on display. Can't really explain it, thats just how it is OK?

While talking about being uncomfortable, and bodies, heres a weird fact I have yet to understand. Last year, I joined the gym. I took step aerobics (1 hour) twice a week. This class was an interval class, so we did the step aerobics, weights, back and forth.
I led a body sculpting class at work before that class, that was about 1/2 hr long. Weights, abs, toning.
I took aerobics (1 hour) three times a week. I did weights for 1/2 hour before that class started. I worked out 5 days a week. Hard. Plus I got at least 10,000 steps a day on my pedometer. I didn't change what I ate very much at all, but I tried to make better choices.

Know what I got out of all that exercise? I got a hard butt, and nicer arms. I never really lost weight, and only went down 1 size after 6 months of that. Granted, I did gain a lot of muscle, but I didn't look that different. I did FEEL good, all that exercise was like a drug for real!! I was addicted to going, because I felt awesome!

That is another thing that scares me about living with someone else. Food. Sounds silly. But, it's an issue for me! I need to have complete control over my food environment!! This will be a life long issue with me, and that is the only way I have been successful. I am not happy with myself and I am changing that. This is the only way I know how.

I watched a new show last night (Tivo found it for me cus we have a love affair) it's called Starved, and it is on FX. It is a comedy about eating disorders. Sounds sick, but it is funny if you can relate. There is a group of friends who are all food obsessed. They go meetings. They talk about how society makes you think you are fat. They weigh their food, they binge and purge. Some bulemic, some anorexic, some both. It was a good show. I think I'll watch it again. I'm sure there are a ton of people pissed off about it, but they really aren't 'making fun' of it. It is just something no one ever talks about. It shows how their minds work. Like eating certain foods to know when to stop throwing up. It sounds sick, but its a reality.
One guy ate cake out of the trash. LOL. There was an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda baked a cake. And couldn't stop eating it. So, she threw it away. She ate it out of the trash. She had to soap it with dish soap so she would quit eating it. BEEN THERE! That is why I don't like having 'crap' in the house!

My personal success:

Last night I successfully did 5 sit ups. I don't mean crunches, of which I do 100 each night. (Britney Spears does 1,000 I use to tell the girls that when they complained in class! lol)
I mean these roll ups, that we had to do in class at the gym. I tried, and tried every time and couldn't do 1. This is while I was working out all the time!!!!!! I tried so hard once, I let out the loudest fart known to man, and acted like I didn't hear it!
Now, I did 5! I was the class loser, who couldn't get off the floor! You lie flat on your back, and lift your arms over your head and when your arms reach your ears, you roll up one vertibrae at a time, using your abs and not your legs to bring your body up, and touch your toes, then you slowly roll back the same way.
I dunno why I decided to try them last night, but I am really glad I did!!! It is my own little victory. Yay me!!!!

Today's Question:

What was the worst vacation you ever took?

Easy! My ex husband and I went to visit my sister. It was our anniversary. 2 years (married...we were together 8) I knew something was up cus on the way down, we stopped in WV and he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me at the hotel!!!
He didn't want to do anything with me. He stayed in the apt. the whole time. We went to the beach (right across the street) once. He was trying to kill me I think cus he kept pushing me into the waves. I was so tired I kept saying stop! My sister took us to dinner 'on' our anniversary. He never thanked her. Never wished me a happy anniversary. We left a day early, and a week later he left me for good!!! Found out later, he was coked out the whole time, and pissed off cus he ran out and thats why we had to leave early.
I do not miss him at all. Crackhead!


hot for jr. said...

worst vacation ever taken? I would have to say mine included my ex husband as well. We traveled to Ohio to see my sis Mon, and he caused nothing but trouble the whole time. He was so jealous and possesive, he pouted, and argued, accused me of wanting to sleep with my sister's husband, (the same one that was coked out at my house on their vacation) anything to get me away from family and spend time with him. Even if we were fighting, at least he was getting my attention.
I have to put that vacation above the time I got so sunburned on vacation in Charleston S.C. that my eyes swelled shut and I had to stay indoors for a couple days. That should tell you how bad it was!!

Mon said...

I remember that vacation! Cus we went to the haunted houses! My ex was such the prize man, everybody wanted him, and his hairy back I had to shave for him! And his brillo pad chest. Oh the stories....some day! lol!

Mon said...

I remember that vacation! Cus we went to the haunted houses! My ex was such the prize man, everybody wanted him, and his hairy back I had to shave for him! And his brillo pad chest. Oh the stories....some day! lol!

hot for jr. said...

I can totally relate to the boyfriend / bathing suit thing. I had the exact same conversation with my new man!! He didn't understand why seeing me naked was ok, but I wouldn't let him see me in my suit. I told him last night that my sister feels the same way. I said it's a woman thing - you men don't understand. He said it's at least a sister thing! We are getting more and more alike everyday Mon!!!!