"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Friday, June 30, 2006

All Rolled Into One.....

That damn crazy cat was back last night. Pounding my window. Yowling. I am at my wits end. I am certainly not touching the fucking thing. I had to throw rocks at it to make it leave. It looked at me with its crazy eyes and yowled. I am a cat lover, you know, four of my own, but not so much that I'll let some freak of nature attack me, or MY cats!!! On a cute nature note, the bunny outside that I thought the crazy cat ate, was eating my bird seed last night. It was the cutest thing EVER. I didn't know they liked bird seed, but whatever floats your boat bunny butt!

CP has been learning how to care for the animals in my absence. I told him he doesn't take control of the dog, she's a dog, he's the master. If you act afraid, they sense it and try to intimidate you! Rule the shih tzu! It's gonna take longer to master the care of the bunnies. Their hard work!

So, a tree got hit by lightning behind my house. 1 tree over and it'd have been in my kitchen! Luckily there was no fire! It's a little black and snapped in two. Nice. I'd have died poor, and alone. All the forest animals would have come have a taste of my rotting corpse. So, speaking of dying alone, it brings me to the question, of why women have it so hard? We have so much to do! So many different 'people' to be.

I bring up this up because they were discussing Polygymy on the radio this week. The men discussed How awesome it would be to have a wife for every occasion. The mom, the housekeeper, the trophy, the one that likes sex etc... And I dunno, I like to think I'm a little of all of that. I think that all women have many sides. None of us are just one thing, right? We have to be so diverse to make a man happy. You gotta be able to have a conversation, be good with money, have a job, be adventurous, love to travel, love to stay home. It just seems to me that women are expected as it is to have many different sides. I think that most men would be in over their heads with 5 wives!

Women on the other hand, WE are the ones who need 5 husbands. One to fix things, one to satisfy our sexual needs, one to help clean around the house, one to be a good dad, (if you wanna have kids), one who makes the money to support us, (and our other 4 husbands) and one to talk to us about our feelings!! Now, we're talkin! Maybe, make that 6, because one would have to sit on the couch and hog the remote. That position might actually have to be rotated to keep all the men happy.

Do you think you can find everything you want, in just one person? I think it's inevitable that there will be things you dislike about a mate. (I hate that word it makes me think of animals) And things you like. I feel that if you have most things you want, and a couple you don't, that's pretty good. Or, do you hold out and be picky until you find the person who fits your mold? And risk being an old maid who dates forever, and never settles down? What do most people do? Personally, I've never found someone who meets every requirement. I don't know anyone who has either. Sure, people all think that to begin with, or they are liars. Nobody is perfect. I think as long as you can communicate, and both get what you want, that's doing pretty good. Right?

P.S. Whoever invented the Reese's snack bar, must weigh 500 lbs. I gave one a whirl, and I do not suggest you do the same. I think about them always. They are rice krispy treats, ontop of pbutter, on top of milk chocolate. I never want to see one again. Ever.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Domestically Challenged...

Somehow, I got this brilliant idea, that during my 1 mile walk before my 1 hour aerobics class, I would exit the track, and go down 23 steps, then, up 23 steps, and continue walking the track. I did those God damned stairs 14 times. I somehow figured this would be easier than doing the machines, and just add to my walk. And, while it tired me at the time, it didn't bother me during the class too much. Today? I hurt. I hurt badly. And today? Step aerobics. More freaking steps! Funny thing, I found out yesterday a MAN use to teach the class on Thursdays. That just seems funny to me. C'mon girls!!!

I watched The Hills Have Eyes on DVD. Mind you CP was over so I need to re-watch it, he kept um, interrupting me. I had to pause it cus I knew when the disturbing stuff was coming up, and you don't want to be messing around with your fiance, while a girl is getting raped. Maybe you do....maybe it's your thing, but to me, yeck. Shuts me right down!! I think it wasn't as awful the second time, cus I was with a man, at home, with lights on, and I didn't have to go outside in the dark and think you locked your keys in the car and are stranded at midnight with Kat, your domestically challenged friend. I'll watch it again all the way thru and get back to you.

Kat invited me and my brother over for a cookout last weekend. So, she tells us it's gonna be fun, and she'll buy all the food, and drink. She lures me over with promises of chicken, and rum, for which I never saw any of btw. Firstly, I wanted some water out of her frig-i-dare door. It was broken.
She told me to "get some from the faucet, it's good".
She didn't have any ice. The ice maker is broken. I asked if she'd ever heard of an ice cube tray? She told me to have some pop, when I went to open it, she said
"I dunno if you want it though, it's warm."
So I had a baby sized evian water. I drink like a gallon of water a day mind you. And had to drink beer, I didn't really like (Molson) it was the only cold thing. So then she is gonna cook the corn, in a tiny pot that doesn't even cover 1/2 a cob of corn.
"We'll just have to flip it over, it's the only pot I have"
I said the middle isn't going to cook! She kept stating how she is not very domestic.

I told her she is domestically challenged. She needs a T-shirt. Eventually she found a bigger pot for the corn. Meanwhile my brother is trying to cook the burgers on the grill outside. And, it's taking forever. Cus....the propane ran out. Then Kat says she thought the corn was done, like, 5 times. And I finally asked if she took it off the stove.
"No. it's still boiling." She said.
Everything did however, turn out to be delicious! Then, she cleans and re-greases her cast iron skillet. Which.... seems domestic to me. And, me and Bubba showed Kat how to achieve good cleavage this weekend. That seems pretty domestic, right?

What I can't do, is I can't cook an egg to save my life. I can scramble them, but I can't boil them. I end up with eggs cooking outside the shell in the water, hard yolks, or half cooked yolks. I have to make a whole dozen to get 3-4 good eggs out of the batch. I don't know the secret. If I cook them right, then the shells don't come off well. I know their done by spinning them. I have an 'egg timer' but you know that stupid thing doesn't have any settings on it for a hard boiled egg. It's just a kitchen timer. Whey the fuck do they call it an egg timer?

I think everyone has something their really good at, and something their really bad at in the home. I think I'm excellent at time management, and multi tasking. But then again, I am a woman! It comes natural. I don't enjoy cooking. I do it, and I'm good at it, but it doesn't bring me happiness. Now, all this talk has made me crave meatloaf and mashed potatos, and corn. That's my comfort food. Plus, I think I have PMS. I always crave the cow at that time. Mostly, it makes me sick to think about. Weird. So, how are you domestically challenged?

And, can you believe it's June 29? Where the hell did June go?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Crazy Cat Lady....

I'm exhausted! Workout was awful cus of the heat, but it felt good. She played a bunch of Madonna songs, so it kept me going going going! I cleaned from 7-10 I got a lot done! So remember I dreamt Bubba got attacked by leatherface at an amusement park that turned out to be greenhouses? Last night I was on a ride with reindeer, water, and TWDSO, who missed me, terribly. I decided they were both bad, since TWDSO was in it, even if he didn't get hacked by a chainsaw weilding maniac, it was bad. (To have a bad dream with an amusement park in it, indicates that you have a problem overcoming your fear of physical risk (the rides).)

So, last week, I came home from work and my downstairs living room screen is bent in half, the metal is broken, and it's torn half out the window. WTF? CP was home. My first thought was he locked himself out and had to get in the window. It would be hard as I have a table and cupboard in front of it, but I digress. He said he left it the way he found it, for me to see cus it was that way when he got home. This happens, after there was some armed person last week running the streets. And, a sweeper salesman walked into Tayray's next door. So, I think someone broke in, right? CP said no one took anything, he checked. So I walked around, checked the doors, checked my change bank, jewelry, etc... nothing out of the ordinary. It just so happened to be the night CP was working all night at the gas station. I was all alone.

That night, around midnight, I heard my cats downstairs, making a godawful racket, banging, screeching, fighting noises. I have a very cohesive cat family, fighting never breaks out. So I run downstairs to see what is going on because this sounds seriously violent! They are all just sitting there on the floor, tails puffed up, eyes wide, looking at me as though I was the lunatic for running down there and interrupting their noise making. Ghost? I didn't know or care. I went back upstairs.

The next day, CP and I are in the throws of passion, and I hear bang! ....bang! ....bang! And the yowling cats, and fighting noises, horrible noises, like cats being attacked! I leave CP high and dry and run downstairs. ...bang! ....bang! My cats take off running. And there it was...a cat that our old neighbors left behind when they moved. THROWING itself at my open front door, like it was his job. It was jumping and pummeling into the door, over and over, while making some horrible noises. I had to open the door and chase it off! WTF was wrong with it? Rabies? It seemed out of it's damn mind.

I know it isn't the cats fault it's asshole owners left it behind to fend for itself, but I have 4 cats already, don't guilt me into taking in these cats Oh k? I'm guessing I had a cat burgular. Of the feline kind. Now I can't even have the shit open when I'm home? Tayray said last year the cat jumped and hung on her screen trying to get at her cat. What do I do about the cat? I can't take it to the pound, that's just cruel! And, I'm not encouraging it to hang around either! But I can't live an entire summer with a half mad cat running around, harassing my kids. Maybe I'll call Carl Munday (our local investgative reporter) to get to the bottom of it. He can track down it's owners and embaress them on TV. I am going to try to get it on video, it's that freaking insane.
I always knew I'd be the crazy cat lady, but not at 30, and not because a cat is driving me crazy either!

Since I never got that nutjob cat on video, here's a splendid production featuring my cat Fizzgig, joined by her son Pickachu. I call this one "Clean Sheets". I might lend my services out for a fee, I'm quite the cinematographer. Ha. Really, the cats go nuts when I change the sheets and attack them for no reason, jump under the sheets, roll around. When I got the camera out, they tried to pretend they were shy. What. Ever.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Almost Paradise...

I had the most horrible dream! Me and Bubba went to an amusement park, so we thought, and paid to get in. The girl running it looked pretty shady. We got in and it turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of run down greenhouses. We looked inside one and it stunk really bad, and I turned to leave and the woman running it pushed Bubba inside, and I ran. I hid on the side under a peice of metal, and here comes Leatherface, from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!! He went in, chainsaw blazing, to kill Bubba. I heard her screaming, and I sat outside and hid! I dunno if she died, cus I woke up, scared shitless. I had to smoke and have some water to calm down! Um, if that really happened Bubba, uh, I wouldn't run. I'd uh, sacrifice my own body to save you, k? Yea.

So yesterday was the big 1 year anniversary for me and CP. Imagine that. A whole year, with no problems at all! HA! That was funny. He took me out on a date, which is a rare thing, but something he will be doing more of he says. He picks me up and opens the car door and everything. We went to that Jimmy Buffet place, Cheeseburger in Paradise, cus that's how we roll! High class and everything! They had the best pina colada's, and I hate them! It tasted like pineapple sherbet, it was delicious! I had a goombay smash. And they all come with these little fruits made into animals or birds with sunglasses. My food was awesome, I had a chicken wrap. Our waitress brought us ice cream for our anniversary too. There was a live band...or, man, who of course played Buffet, but other stuff too. When they sang Cheeseburger in Paradise, all the wait staff sang along. CP did too, while he ate his cheeseburger in paradise. Classic.

This place is right across from where TWDSO works, and I saw his stupid ass car there, I hoped he didn't decide to head over for a drink after work. To see him would have just been perfect! We went back to my house and I got a 1/2 hr massage. He even used the oil my sister made, which by the way felt amazing! It put my butt to sleep! And that's...the end! A year?

After work I had to rush home and wash the dishes, mop the kitchen, clean the dog pee in the laundry room, give her a potty pad, change her water, give her a new baby (a.k.a squeaky toy), let the dog out, feed the cats, clean the litter boxes, and get Chelsea into her carrier and off to the vet in 15 minutes! THAT my friends, is time management at its best! I got to the vet on time, and had to wait 1/2 hour until I was seen. My appointment was at 5:30 and I left at 7:05! I was the only new appointment too. It was just my vet there, everyone was sick, and they had emergencies. It's the only exotic hospital for hours, she said there were a lot of sick birds. It was funny to me to see people come out with their birds, and baby talk to them. I dunno why, as I stood there with my bunny, doing the same thing.

Chelsea had her abscess flushed. Dr Stewart said that it was not near as bad this time, as it was before, and just to keep on with her ear meds, and call next time it needs flushed and we'll keep at it. Chelsea seemed to feel better after the gunk was out. Poor girl!

More time management for me today at lunch, I have to run to order contacts, look for new glasses (mine are only 10 years old), buy a shirt while I'm there to workout in, and eat. All that, in 45 minutes. With a 20 minute drive there and back. Wish me luck! I can finally get back to exercising tonight. I have a ton of stuff to get done at home after that. I've been slacking !

Monday, June 26, 2006

I'm Officially Disinfected...

Since you care, a recap of my weekend. I saw the Omen on Friday. CP took me on a date. Dates are fun. It was a way better evening than it started out to when I woke up in the morning. I didn't win anything in that stupid work auction, but I jacked some prices up for charity. I care that much! Really, I forgot to rebid after lunch, and some jackass won this chest I wanted for a penny more than my bid. Dicks!! I decided God loves me. Because in the morning, I wanted to eat an entire chocolate cake. There was one for auction, that I did not buy (one, it was $20 and two, I really would have ate it all). The president ended up buying it and let us all have some. So, Bethie got me a peice of yummy cake. God loves me, because he knew I didn't need to eat a whole cake. It was perfect timing.

Around 7:30 we went to the Canal Boat for Tayray's big 2-5 (ya old fart). We sat outside on the deck, overlooking the canal. I kept saying it's just like we're on the lake! Only, it's the canal! The canal flooded when we had a storm a night or two previous. It flooded the entire parking lot they just spent like a million bucks building.

After a few drinks, me, Kat and Bubba shared the pisser, it was 2ft by 4 ft room with 1 shitter. When we went in, I sprayed a tiny bit of Lysol. Just to freshen it up for us. When my turn rolls around to piss, Bubba decides to exfixiate us all by laying on the Lysol!! Nonstop. Of course, it's making us laugh, and cough, and the more we laugh, the more we inhale, and the higher I think we got. We kept saying stop, trying to breathe in our shirts, to no avail. I kept yelling that my vagina didn't need to be disinfected. And after a while, I just gave up. I said "Mmmmmm..it tastes sweet". Only someone high off of Lysol would think that shit tasted good!

Tayray left way early and we were all still kicking it. The old 30 yr-old-farts, that is. She did wanna go to another bar, but it was too far for anyone drinking to drive to, and still have a good time once we got there. We were 1 mile from our house and if you get too shitfaced, you can walk your butt home. Bubba, Kat, Dave, and me went to the Bier Haus. I offered to take Tayray but they bought beer for home and didn't wanna go out then. I kicked some ass at silver strike bowling. Only the first game, I got a 169! After that I didn't beat everyone. But we all beat Bubba! We spent the night taking photos of our cleavage, and groping each other. They kept asking why my ass was hard. I said I work really hard at that, and they too could have hard asses. I wonder if we embaressed poor Dave with our PDA? I took the most awesome video of Bubba dancing to 'Riding Dirty'. Sadly, I deleted it. I blame them for taking a billion pictures of each others asses. It took me forever to delete them, and that was a casualty of war. It was funny. Oh well.

After we left there, I went to the bell, and ate in the parking lot w/Kat and Dave. Then I went to see CP at his night job. He put a sign on the door saying he'd be back in 5 minutes, and locked up. We had some semi-public sex in the women's bathroom. It was awesome, and way more important than any drunks that needed gas or lottery..they could fuck off, right? The beer cave was pretty inviting, but CP said there are cameras in there. I really don't wanna be the next Paris Hilton. Well...I wouldn't mind looking like that, but you know what I mean!

I leave you with this fact: Sugar free creamsicles suck balls. You can totally tell they are sugar free. The cream tastes like frozen sour cream, and the popsicle part tastes like frozen kool aid w/no sugar! Bleh. Opt for the sugar free fudgcicles. You cannot tell they are only 40 calories!!!! Well worth it!

Chelsea goes to the vet again today. Get the abscess drained. Yum.

Friday, June 23, 2006

C'mon Baby Make It Hurt So Good...

There's trouble in paradise. But I'm not gonna get into all that right now. Nothing new. I do know that I love my CP. Funny how when I was 15 I thought my whole life would be figured out at 30. I'm just starting on that path, nowhere near figuring anything out. I don't feel anymore grown up than I did at 23, or 25. I think we put far too much emphasis on age. For instance, CP is 36 and he isn't anymore together than the average 21 year old. On to better things!

My legs? Yea I've decided that hurting is like their job. My hips? Who knew I had hips before going to the gym. Using muscles I forgot even existed. If I ever get another second job, remind me that I might want to do something where I'm not sitting an extra 20 hours a week. It's crazy. My back and neck hurt constantly, but since working out, I have no pain. Well, you know what I mean. The creaks and aches are gone.

There are some chicks that were there when I took these classes before, who don't look any thinner. They don't push themselves they kind of go through the motions. Going just to say they went I suppose. I can already tell a difference in myself. About 1/2 inch in my waist, and an inch in my thighs and hips! It's only been 3 weeks. I've been trying to walk the dog on top of the classes. So, it isn't reallllllly like I am not working 2 jobs, cus now, my job is getting in shape. I take it very seriously. I don't miss classes. I've been eating superb-ly too. If I fall out of my routine, it's hard to get back on for me. Aerobics is canceled Sat. and Mon. Whoever told those women they were entitled to time off is an asshole. So, I went Monday-Thursday to make up for it. Two of those days being intervals/step classes.

There was a sub teacher yesterday and we used the ball for crunches and leg workouts. I think I want one of those. It is so much easier to keep your form. I thought at first, this makes it too easy, then after about 10 I noticed, I felt the burn in a different way. Probably the right way. By the end, it was a better workout than the normal abs we do. Two of those days involved sex, it hurts my legs, I dunno about YOU all. I'm happy to be off tonight!

Poison ivy. Did you know it's rather difficult for people to contract poison ivy on the soles of their feet and palms of their hands? That is, unless you are me. I've come up with my own way of dealing with it. Since, patience is not in my vocabulary. I havn't gotten it this bad in a while, I have clusters of those nasty blisters. So, I put tea tree oil on them. It works on zits in a day or two, it dries them up. But, not fast enough, on the poison ivy blisters, those fuckers come back. My method: Poke each blister, and cluster with a pin until all the oozies come out, wash with HOT water until your hands lose feeling, apply fingernail polish remover to affected areas, and try not to pass out from the pain. Deep breathing helps. This stops the itching for a while. Cover with CalaGel. Turn the hair dryer on it full blast until you lose all feeling in your hand again. This takes care of the itch for several hours, so it's best right before bedtime. A little chemical burn never hurt anyone. And who needs nerves in their hands? You can barely see the lumps now. I'm brilliant. Or retarded.

We're having a silent auction at work. It's like live ebay. Some items are new, some are donated by employees. I freaking love it. I am the high bidder on 2 items, but I cant divulge them, as people I work with read this, and it's a secret. Some jerk-off keeps raising me 1 penny when I outbid them. So, I started doing it back. It ends at 3 today and I better get one of my freaking items. I let a few go. It's for charity, but I refuse to pay more than something is worth. Back-the-fuck-off! I know the suspense is killing you. Some dickhead is selling a rabbit pellet. It's not a wild rabbit either. I've never seen a white and black spotted rabbit in the wild. I kidded with my friends that I should have brought red paint and protested!!!! That's OK, no one is bidding on them. It's sick. There are also 2 rifles for auction. Yes..rifles. It clearly states on our door we are to leave our firearms in the car. The arguement is, that there is no ammunition, but anyone can buy bullets. I believe Wal-Mart sells them even to kids!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The First Cut Is The Deepest...Part 5. THE END!

We spent our second anniversary at the beach, with my sister. By this time, he couldn't function without coke. Me, still oblivious, but knew that something made him a different person sometimes. I always thought it was pot. I never knew the truth about it until we split up. He started to hate me on that trip. He didn't even sleep in bed with me in the hotel on the way down to Virginia. When we got there, he didn't want to do anything with me. I spent time with my sister. She took us out for our anniversary. He didn't even wish me happy anniversary. No card. Didn't thank my sister for dinner, nothing. He laid around on the couch. When we went to the beach he thought it was hilarious to push me into the waves when I told him I would drown from being so tired. It wasn't just playing around.

He made us leave two days early. I assumed later he ran out of drugs. I cried to my sister because I didn't want to leave. And, I knew somehow that we were over. Things had changed so drastically between us that there weren't any feelings from him at all. I could tell he hated me. The 10 hour trip was mostly silent.

The second we got home, he was out the door to his friends house. "Why do I have to stay here, we spent a week together". A couple times here and there he went golfing. One time it poured down rain, and he still insisted he golfed. I got in his trunk, and his clubs were dry, he said he had an umbrella and he dried them. I opened his umbrella, which, was bone dry. Two weeks later he left me. He came home from work, and told me he didn't love me anymore. He didn't want to be married. He was too young. He didn't want all the responsibility of what we had. He had left me before, and always come back. I thought he would come back again. A week after he left he told me he wanted a dissillusionment. He'd been talking to some guys at work. It's fast, and easy. Didn't want a separation. He was done. It was over. Whenever he would come over to get his things, or talk about who got what, I would beg him to come home. Literally, I begged. Please love me. Please come home. I can't be without you. I'm nothing. How could you leave me? I miss you. I love you. Don't you love me? Why don't you want me? He would leave every time I cried. He couldn't stand to see what I had become. Neither could I.

That was when my world fell apart. I've never again felt so low in all of my life. I didn't eat for weeks. I didn't deserve it. I lost the only man I could remember loving. I dropped 30 lbs in no time. I didn't bathe. I didn't wash my hair. I couldn't work. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't leave the house. I cried so much that I broke blood vessels in my eyes. My throat was raw. I never stopped thinking about him. Never. It consumed my every thought. I missed a lot of work. Mom kept begging me to get help. I got on antidepressants. I literally had to have assignments on how to care for myself.
"This week Mon, You are going to take a bath."
"Yes, Sitting in the bathtub is good. You don't have to wash, just get in the tub."
I remember sitting in the water and crying. Thinking, all you have to do is pick up the soap. It seemed so simple. I didn't feel like I deserved to be clean. I was worthless to D, I was worthless to me. My friends had to literally make me leave the house. Asking didn't work. I hid from the world. I didn't want to be out. I wanted to die. The only thing keeping me alive was thinking that he might come back. That was all I could think about.

I didn't know how to live without him. We lasted almost 8 years. That was a lifetime to me. How do you get past that? Me? I got another man. It seemed right at the time, it was a distraction. Something to boost my confidence. We got a separation before the divorce went through, and I met Z after 2 months of thinking I would die of lonlieness. The way he made me feel when he touched me, made me forget all about asshole who left me. They knew each other. They hated each other. D felt the need to protect me from Z. I really thought I was going to get him back. D did come back, a few times, just to have sex. I thought, he must still love me. Silly me. It was different, unfeeling. Rough, but not in a good way. It was wrong.

The whole time we were going through our divorce which was only about 4 months, it wasn't until the day we stood in front of that judge, that I really accepted it was over. Even then I thought he would tell me he made a mistake. Silly girl. The day before I was still begging him to reconsider. My mom gave me some kind of nerve pill and I didn't give two shits about him that day. I put on a happy face, and wouldn't hug him when he wanted to after the hearing. Divorced, at 23. Who would want me? I'm marked. I spent a good portion of my life in bars. Distracting myself from reality. It was my youth, alchoholism is in my family. It never has affected me to the point that it controlled me one bit, but I had other issues with addiction. Mainly food. Some drugs. Funny how that works.

It was a really bad time in my life. I lost my husband. Next, I lost my job, because I was unable to work. I would sleep at work, because I couldn't sleep at home. I wouldn't get out of bed for days. I lost my car, I couldn't afford it so I had to call to have them repo it. We filed bankruptcy, I got the house, and I was determined to keep it, but I only made 8.50 an hour which is like poverty when your trying to keep up a house. I went through a foreclosure. Next, my mom moved out of state. I had nothing. I felt so totally alone, and I didn't know how to live on my own. I couldn't. I never had! I wanted to move in with Bubba, but she ended up living with her boyfriend, and I had no choice but to live with Z. Or give up my pets, which were my only source of comfort to me at the time, and live alone, in the ghetto. That was an even worse 2 years. Filled with even more drama. But I had been through enough to make me stronger, tougher. I didn't let it hurt me as much.

I lost some friends through that divorce. Ones that I thought were truely my friends, but keeping in contact with D was more important to them. In retrospect, it wasn't a loss at all, but at the time it felt like more fuel added to the fire of my burning life. My true friends stuck with me. They helped me get back to being myself. I started to remember what fun was. I did things on my own eventually, and realized that it was pretty fun to not answer to anyone. That was when the working so much started. I was a temp at my current job, and they got a new computer system. All the old info wouldn't transfer, it all had to be re-entered. I worked 15-16 hour days here, 7 days a week. I made some sweet cash flow! That's also when I started having problems with Z. He had to control my every move. He would turn out to be worse than D ever was. But I tolerated it because I had already known abuse. It was normal.

To this day I have trouble with non-abusive relationships. I feel unfulfilled at times. I miss the drama. I sometimes try to cause my own. I feel most of the time that no one gets all that I've been through, and most peoples problems seem petty to me. I lack compassion, because of my past. That is something I want to change about myself. People always try to give me advice about marriage, as if I havn't been there, or about men, as if I havn't seen the worst. I know what's out there.

I've pretty much shut off my emotions, and I only let them peek through once in a while. I was made fun of for crying. Getting excited, being happy, being sad. I wasn't allowed to have emotions, without being made fun of. I find it hard to do this at all for myself. I can cry for my pets, or TV, but I can't feel any pity for myself. I believe whatever is making me upset, I somehow deserve. It's hard. So, now you see why I love Edwin's Sign On The Door. It's me.

"Wendy's sitting next to me trying hard to drink it away. Her eyes are screaming. Her lips are pursed. This aint her first heartache, but it feels like the worst. She said, can someone tell me how this can happen? I guess God only knows. My heart use to be a sweet shop of love, but now the sign on the door say's sorry, we're closed......she's been through all the pain that one can endure, and her new man thinks she loves him, but he can't be sure. And his heart pines for Wendy, she says that's how it goes. How am I spose to know you can't read the sign saying sorry we're closed"

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Day The Music Died...

I'm taking a break from the past as I'm still important in the present, and I got stuff to say. This guy, Jim Shambo that use to work with me, Kat, and Bubba at the spank, died. He was the maintenance guy, and he was older but really cool. He had parties all the time and he'd pass out flyers. "Bring a bag and crash on the floor" His house was known as the underground theater, because he had all sorts of bands playing. You could pick up some sticks, or a washboard, and play along with the band. There were all kinds of people, burnouts, hippies, preps. Everyone got along, and there was never a fight. Some of our best memories were at his parties. The long, long lines for the toilet. Being afraid to eat the food cus they might have special ingredients. Stealing someones disposable camera, and getting the best pictures out of it. I'm going to the calling hours after workout with Bubba. Check out his website, and get to know a little about him. He was an awesome guy.

Shocker, I got poison ivy again. I knew it was getting it. I'm that brilliant. I dug out all these weeds in the back at the edge of the woods, cus we have too many bugs. At least I did on my side. Tayray can fend for her damn self! I had 1 glove so I did most of it with 1 hand, but I picked up all the weeds with both hands. My left hand has it even on the palm. My feet, my legs, neck, thighs, armpit. I love it. Don't believe what you read. To rinse in cold water and dont rub after being exposed to poison ivy. I still got it.

Saturday was about 87 I sweat sitting still. I went to aerobics, walked the dog, worked in the yard for 4 hours, and went to a bonfire with Kat, my brother, and Bubba. It was a road trip, to Streetsboro. We got a little turned around getting there. Bubba wrote the directions, I read them. She really said we had to go to the far left land. We had a killer time. They burned pallets, and our legs and faces in the process. The coolest dog was there, it was carrying this huge kids ball around in its mouth. Drunk people were chasing after her, and falling. Some people camped out there, mostly the falling drunks. Bubba kept trying to get people to smoke weeds. Literally. But people believed it, and said nooooo thanks. She gave Kat like 4 good peices of wood, and kat threw them in the fire. Is that ungrateful or what? Someone stole Kat's chair, and gave her a mini rescue helicopter in return. It's pretty bad ass, and a damn good trade!

We left around 1:30 and went to Denny's. Mind you, we were way out of town, like 45 min from home. There were some awesome hills that took your stomach- we laughed going up and down them. Next thing you know, we ended up in Cleveland. Which, is another 45 minute drive away from home from. We got home at 4:30 am. Kat and my brother crashed at my house. CP was spose to work until 6am. And he was in our kitchen in the dark. Hiding from me. His car was in the garage but I didn't now.

I left my cell phone at home, he never calls me from the gas station anyways, and I was with my only other peeps who'd have called me. He thought I was bringing some guy home so he was going to "catch me". As if I'd be stupid enough to do something like that. He was pretty pissed cus he got off early, and I was out. This is all speculation, he claims the only thing he was mad about was that I left my phone at home, and he got off early to suprise me and I wasn't there. I'm pretty certain he thought I was up to no good. I got up after 4 hours of sleep and layed on the air mattress and napped. Kat's ass was in my face, I asked her not to fart on me. I don't think she did. That's friendship!

I'll finish up my saga tomorrow. Things were getting too depressing anyways!

BIG BROTHER IS ON TONIGHT! You can vote your favorites back into the house! I love having control! I love Big Brother! I love TV!

Monday, June 19, 2006

The First Cut Is The Deepest...Part 4...

At first, when our fighting became so bad, I was horrified. How could he do that to me? Who did he think he was? When he calmed down, sure, he felt really bad. He was really apologetic. He paid me loads of attention for days after. The smart me knows this as 'the honeymoon phase' and all abusers do the same thing. To me, it became addictive. A way for me to get him to shower me with affection. I would make up stories to explain how I got bruises. He threw a glass at me once and put a huge gash in my foot, I said I dropped it myself. He'd spit in my face, and throw dog crap at me. Grab me and shake me, push me into walls. He got satisfaction out of the fact that he never hit me in the face. This was some sort of accomplishment to him, and he would throw in my face when I would say he was abusive. Typical. His favorite thing to do, was to push me down. If I got up, he pushed me right back down again. Calling me names the whole time. Until I stopped getting up, and stayed down, crying.

It became sort of a secret life. No one knew about it. Except, as I found out later, our neighbors heard everything. We would have a fight, and go to a family birthday, it was like becoming two different people. We'd smile, and joke, and have a great time together, but it was all fake. All an act so that no one knew what really happened 10 minutes before we left the house. I always say now, what I heard from a professional. If something is so bad in your relationship that you feel the need to hide it, whatever it is, that means it is a problem. It makes sense to most people, but not when you are in it. You think if no one knows you can stay right where you are, safe from being alone. And nothing scared me more than being alone.

He'd tell me that I just push his buttons. I made him crazy. I'd find out later, that it was cocaine that made him crazy, not me at all. I blamed myself for everything. I certainly didn't start out being weak, I fought back. It would get so frequent, and so tiring, that It was almost like a game. I stopped crying about it. I started laughing at him, and doing things right back. Hiding my feelings so that he couldn't get what he wanted, he couldn't make me cry. When I did cry, I was called a crybaby. To this day, I have a very hard time crying, let alone, in front of people. That has stuck with me. It became normal to me, and to this day, affects the unabusive relationships I have. They do not seem normal to me. I know how to handle the crazy ones. I am not so sure about the nice guys.

I always forgave him. Surely he loved me. He loved me so much that he hit me. Hate is part of love, without one you don't have the other. If I made him have those extreme emotions, surely it was love. I found cocaine, and a scale in my car one time. He told me it was his friends. He was selling it. I believed him. When he came home without the money, he told me he threw it out the window and never sold it. I believed him. It was the day he introduced me to who in the future would be the mother of his child. Some young girl on his work softball team. I'm not entirely sure they weren't fucking at the time.

After a year of marriage, we were going to a party one night, and his sister called me, asked if he had talked to me. About what I asked? She wanted to speak to D. They got off the phone. I asked what was going on. He wanted to leave to go to the party. He wouldn't talk about whatever it was, and a few minutes later, the phone rang. It was his sister. Had he talked to me? No, I said. "I gave him the chance" she said. So, she told me. D was cheating on me. With their cousins roomate. She didn't know until that day, but their cousin knew the whole time.

Sick. I was so sick. I felt dirty. I felt used. I felt disgusting. I felt betrayed. He told me it was 'just sex' and can' t we go to that party and talk about it later? Let's just have a baby, it will make everything better. I couldn't breathe. I think my heart literally broke. We were together almost 6 years, to me, he was everything. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt ashamed. I went to his Moms. I felt broken. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I couldn't live. How could he? I couldn't get over how dirty I felt. As if I had been the one who cheated. I asked if he used protection, and he told me that he "tried to" every time. So, on top of everything emotinally I dealt with, I had to go get an STD test, lord knows what kind of disease a husband fucking skank could have! After all that I put up with from him, this was how I was treated. We always had sex. Every night. I thought he'd never cheat on me. It's not about the sex. Cheating is always about how the other bitch makes you feel. We fought all the time, so anyone could have made him feel good.

His sister called this skank with me on the phone. I heard how she said I had nothing to worry about, she didn't want him. It was just sex. She had a kid, she'd sit in front of the TV while she went and screwed my husband. His sister screamed at her. She said what I wished I had the balls to say. Called her a whore. Told her that he is married. Married! To her brother! Told her what she did to me, and how it made me feel. D told skank we were having problems. She brought this up as an excuse. "They were having problems!" This is obviously whore code for "feel free to fuck my husband".

I asked questions. I wanted him to tell me everything. For some reason I had to know. I wanted to know what she did for him. How much he liked it. He wanted it all to go away. Kiss and make up. Forget about it. Have a baby. It'll all get better. Always pushing me to have a baby. I'm so thankful through it all I never let him talk me into it. We went to counseling. That didn't work. He got hurt at work, almost cut his finger off. I went to the hospital and stayed with him. It never was the same finger and barely was useable. This sticks out in my mind because of the woman who called from his job to tell me he had been taken to the hospital.

He cheated on me again. This time he told me. Some girl he worked with. The one who called me when he got hurt. She is the one who took him to the hospital. He said he didn't think he could stop cheating on me. As if it is some tick, like tourette's syndrome. I still couldn't let go. 6 years together. We grew up together. He was my everything. I didn't do anything alone. I didn't shop. I didn't go out. I didn't handle the money. He was everything to me. Without him, I was lost. Yea, it hurt that he cheated. Yet, through all of that, it never once crossed my mind to cheat on him. Ever.

Despite all of the drama in our lives, we managed to stay married 2 years. Just about 2 years to the day.

To be continued...

The First Cut Is The Deepest... Part 3...

When we last left the couple, they were happily married. After the honeymoon, D started to work a lot of hours. We needed the money with the new house, and his spending habits. He always had to have Tommy Hilfiger, or Polo clothes, jewelry, and shoes. Oh, yea, and drugs too! I was oblivious to this for a long time, because I trusted him. How did we afford such things? Credit. To make up for his spending, I would wear hose with runs, and socks and shoes with holes in them. I never bought things for myself. I was kinda the joke in my group of friends because I was so pathetically dressed. I was the only one who had any sense with money. Although, I didn't handle the finances. He did it all. In fact there wasn't much that I did do without him. Huge mistake.

I was a good wife. I made his dinner, I packed his lunches. I did his laundry, I clipped his toenails, I SHAVED HIS BACK! Had sex with him every single day. I went to all his family functions. I cleaned the house, and went to work full time on top of it all. He got me another cat, to keep me company. Fizzgig. My precious, who I still have. I might interject that he got me a cat, and stepped on it when he was high on something or other, and killed it. And I made him take it back and get another one. That devastated me.

I got myself a dog. My shih tzu Little Hill. I really did it just to piss him off because he was never home, and how was he gonna stop me? He made me get rid of my bunny, and one of my cats had feline leukimia and had to be put to sleep. So I had 2 cats, and a dog. The more time he spent away from me, the more desperate I got for him to pay attention to me, and that was when it got worse. I stopped liking myself, because I based my self worth on what he thought of me. He started lying to me about where he was.

I started to follow a.k.a stalk him. Once he told me he was at a bar that he wasn't at. I tracked him down, cus I was crazy like that. I always had to spy on him to see where he was at. This time, he was at a dance club. We never went out together. So, I took the car and moved it to another parking lot, and drove my happy ass home laughing all the way ha, ha, ha... He called me at 3 a.m. to tell me that someone stole our car, and that I had to go pick him up. When he realized he'd have to tell me where he was, he got a ride home instead. I didn't tell him I moved the car until he was home. After he told me he was at his friends, when I knew he wasn't. I thought it was hilarious!

Another time he told me he was at 'some bar' he couldn't think of a name, so my friend Katie went with me, and we tracked him down at this real classy joint, Bottoms Up. We saw the car and sat in the parking lot waiting for him to come out. When that didn't happen we went up to the door, and she asked this guy if girls ever went in there. "All the tiiiiiime" he said. So, after she bit it on the pavement, (a little fall never hurt anyone) we went inside. I found him, having a lap dance when we walked in. The look on his face, was priceless.

I took the car that day too, and stranded him and his friends. I'm sure they were real sad they had to stay at the tittie bar all night. I kicked him out numerous times. I'd pack up his shit, drive to his friends, and throw his stuff out the car. He always came back. He was always sorry. He was spending ungodly amounts of money and I didn't know where. Drugs. He always lied, and I always found them. I use to burn his weed in an ashtray and wake him up to show him. I got a kick out of that. Until he would get so pissed at me that we would fight, and it got physical. That became the norm, and it wasn't just him, I fought back.

The whole time he was sneaking around to bars, he called me names, and started to tear away at my self esteem. I loved him so much, that if he thought I was horrible, I must be horrible. I stopped being the me that I knew. I look back at those times and think I was pathetic. I let him tell me who I was, and I became it. I stopped having a life outside of him. He became my life. I couldn't function when he wasn't home. All I could do was think about where he was, and what he was doing. It consumed me. I have entire journals that span only a few months, filled with "poor me's" and "why doesn't he love me's". I don't know that girl anymore, but for a long time she sucked my will to enjoy life.

I became obsessed with my weight, even more than I was before, because it was the only thing I had any power over. I popped laxatives like candy. I took them every couple of hours. I never went without crapping, or throwing up anything I ate. I ate to stuff my pain, then hated myself for doing it, and threw it all up. I didn't eat for days, so I could eat what I wanted. I got obsessed with exercise. I would run on the treadmill starving, until I started to dry heave. And I kept going until they became so bad, I couldn't breathe, and my entire body was so weak I shook. To me, it was an accomplishment. I had pushed myself to the limit. I did it. I controlled it. No one else.

I thought if I were just thinner, he would love me. Nevermind the fact that he was 5' 9" and 250lbs of pure fat. And I was perfectly fine, being a size 12. He made me feel like shit, so I thought he was a God.

He left me a couple of times without my kicking him out. He stayed gone for a week one time. I never left him alone, and he always came back. I made him feel bad for me, it wasn't that he missed me. That started a pattern. We could do whatever we wanted to each other, and we'd always be together. That was when it started to get ugly.

To be continued....

Friday, June 16, 2006

The First Cut Is The Deepest..Part 2..

Suprisingly, back when I was young and naieve, I wanted to have kids. Mostly looking back, I think it was more D that wanted them, not me. Plus it was what you did. Not that I really always wanted to be a Mom, because that's not true at all. He had a big bad job at Arby's, and I had my super Taco Bell career goin' on! Once he graduated, he got into a machine shop so we could afford to move out on our own. Where did we move you ask? His friend's garage!

Yes, we had big dreams for this garage. It was already turned into a guest "house". Of sorts. Minus walls, and a toilet. And heat, and a stove. It had a refrigerator! We spent all our spare time drywalling, and painting it. My dad was a plumber, so he got us a toilet, and ran a line for us to have a sink. We got a camp stove to cook our mac and cheese on. We had a waterbed, with no heater, and no heat. We nearly froze to death a few times, and had to go to one of our Mom's to shower, but dammit, we had our own place! And I had my 7 year old cat, Maggie. Life was good!

That arrangement only lasted about 3 months, and we got a real apartment, with a real landlord. A nice two bedroom with a balcony in Akron. Heat, a bathroom, you know, the works! I got a real job, working at a bank office doing auto loans. Kat got a job there too. And, that's where we befriended Heather. Whom, we disliked in high school btw. We refer to it as "the spank" because it was the biggest joke of a job. They treated us like third graders. It was hell for 3 years!

D was forever talking about having a baby. Some of his friends had kids. I kept telling him no way until we were married, and when the hell was that gonna be anyways? By that time we were together for 3 years. When you are 19, that's like, a lifetime! He was telling me we needed to buy a house cus we were throwing money away in rent. I got my first bunny, Bumper. And we found a siamese companion for my siamese mix cat Maggie. 2 cats and a Bunny. The menagerie starts. That first Christmas, he bought me a sweeper. That was my big gift, at 19. And I married him?

Yes, he proposed finally, without a ring. At 2 a.m. after being out with his friends, drinking. I didn't care. I called everyone with the news! Katie wanted me to point out that she always told me he was an ass. But the truth is, everyone told me that. No one was that super excited for me either. The older me says, this should have been a sign. But, who believes in signs at 19?

I picked out a ring, and the house hunting began. We took a while to find our house, looked in different areas, there wasn't much to choose from in our price range. Our house, cost a whopping 48,000. It was a teeny tiny cape cod. It was really nice, but really small. The kitchen didn't even have room for a table, we had a bar attached to the wall with stools, that took up most of the space. But it was home, and it was ours. We spent the next year planning our wedding, and fixing up our house.

Of course, things weren't always blissful. He started to spend more time with his friends. That never included me. He lived two separate lives. I took him from his friends, and they took him from me. It was a constant battle. He had a cousin that just got out of jail for drug trafficing at that time. Once he came into the picture things got worse with us. I wouldn't let him invite him to our wedding. I'm a bitch like that. We did also have a lot of couple friends that we hung out with all the time, so it wasn't all bad. We had a lot of good times. He made me laugh. And I was completely myself with him. He was good at taking care of me.

Our wedding was pretty easy to plan. His uncle was a photographer, so that was a gift to us. My dad got his union hall for free, and paid for the food. His cousin and her husband were DJ's so that was free. We didn't have alchohol, cus we were too young to drink. That didn't stop people from drinking in the parking lot. We only really had to pay the preacher, tux, my dress, and my mom did all my flowers. The cake cost more than anything else did.

We were married September 14, 1996. He was 19 and I was 20. It was the happiest day of my life. It really was. I was confident that I was marrying the right guy, it felt right. I also thought in the back of my mind...marriage would change him. He wasn't my ideal mate....but he COULD be.

We also released two doves after the ceremony, that didn't stay together, they flew apart. It should have been another sign. I couldn't believe I had everything I always wanted. We honeymooned in Cancun. That, was worth the whole sha-bang if you ask me. I remember every detail like it just happened. You think when you are young, that marriage will change the other person. If their willing to marry you, they must be willing to stop doing things, you know, for love. Boy, was I wrong.

To be continued.....

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The First Cut Is The Deepest Part 1...

So what's the deal with that ex husband? It will take 5 posts to sum up this little ditty! We met when he was 15 and I was 16. He was the cousin of my friend's boyfriend. (got it?) "D" is his name. D is also the first letter in dick, that's certainly no coincidence. I went to a good school, grew up on the good side of town, where most people were rich, stuck up assholes. Myself excluded. We lived in a trailer when Mom and Dad got divorced. I wasn't trashy mkay?

D? He lived in the mother heffing projects! For real! He talked different, dressed different, he WAS different. I didn't even like him at first. We talked cus my friend was with her boyfriend making out and they stuck me on the phone with him. To keep me occupied. I had a man. He was away in the army. We dated for a couple of years. My first real love. My first everything. IfyaknowhatImean! *sigh*

I threw that all away for D. Cus he was like a fungus that didn't go away. He bothered me. He was totally on my nutsack! I gave in, and we started 'going together' (remember that? Where were we going?) He ended up using open enrollment to go to my school his junior, my senior year. We were absolutley adorable. Peas in a pod. We fought all the time. He was bad, he drank, and he smoked pot. I was an angel. That's the truth. I was such model teenager, that I told on him for smoking pot before school, and laughed when I saw the principal take him out to search his car. I denied it, of course. We were so different, but inseperable.

We also got in trouble for arson. I was never officially charged, but questioned at my SCHOOL for attempted aggrivated arson. Katie will recall giving me advice on how to break the news to my Mom. I only drove the car. I was taking him and his friend to a girls house, I really had no idea what they were doing until I got there. We were grounded from seeing each other for like a month. I had my car taken away too. He would ride the metro to my house on the weekend when our Moms worked, and only had an hour together til he had to leave because it took so long to get there.

We broke up all the time. We always got back together. We broke up for the longest his senior year. Why? Oh, he said he was out with his friends, and something wasn't right, I had a feeling. I parked my car outside his friends house, and caught him with another girl! Red handed. We called her two backs. Cus, she had two backs. Then he dated another girl who use to be my acquaintence in school. She had a rep for having crabs. Lemme tell you, it was hell being so perfect! I had finally moved on. With an older boy, who was way hot, and the twin brother of my good friend Katie's boyfriend. D found out about this, and would drive by this guys house when I was over. One time, he went to the door looking for me. Couldn't let go. Sucked me back in.

The worst part of getting back together with him was he was still in school with those skank hoes he had dated. All my friends graduated. I had to go to a dance with him, and I hated all his friends, cus they hated me. I hid in the bathroom and cried. For real!

I did not get along with my Mom back in the day. We were too much alike. We butted heads. I don't really remember the events leading up to it, but I moved out when I was 17, to stay with D at his Moms. He had moved in with us before because his Mom was an alchoholic. So, it was like, returning the favor. And his Mom loved me, and always took my side. Cus I was always right, of course. We had big dreams. Marriage. A family, and we couldn't wait to get it started!

To Be Continued...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Lost In Manslation....

I watched that new show last night "How to get the guy". It is a reality type show, where dating coaches help chicks pick up guys. Me and CP laughed our asses off. Dating sucks! It especially sucks for women. Although, having watched that, I'd hate to be a guy and have to be the one to pick up the chicks all the time too. It seems way too stressful! On that show, I heard my new favorite word. Manslation. As in, a mans translation for things. I kept asking CP to manslate things last night.

And, then this morning. I bought myself those cute hanes boxer briefs. Their only slightly longer than the 'boy short' underwear I wear 99% of the time, that the man just loves. They are excellent for a girl having her monthly visitor, because you don't get pad in your butt, and your draws don't shift around on you. So, I'm standing at the sink, brushing my teeth in my T-shirt and boxer briefs. CP comes up and starts rubbing my butt as he often does when I'm brushing my teeth. Then he felt the need to tell me, that those underwear didn't flatter my figure. I guess in the grand scheme of things, he worded it politely. I let him know that I wasn't trying to be flattering while on my period. Thanks anyways. Manslation? They probably make my butt look big. It's the whole wearing underwear in the tanning bed theory. I swear that it makes your naked butt look smaller, because there is a break up of color. Works for me.

I'm thinking about getting another second job. Crazy? Nah! The Movie Gallery 1 mile from my house is hiring. If I can work 3 days a week it's way better than 5, and it can't be that difficult to watch movies, and check people out, right? The bad part of that is I always fear seeing someone I know, and them thinking "that's what she's done with her life?". Ugh. I dunno. I am jonesing from the cash flow withdrawl. It's hard to be out a second income! Especially when you have sick pets! I havn't saved anything to pay back to the fed's either. They can suck it.

Aerobics kicked my ass. I walked a mile before class. I am fairly certain they fixed the a/c in there! I felt cold air and saw the fans moving in the vents above! Last year, we all nearly died in the heat there! It was cruel and inhumane! Tonight I am going to friggin' interval's class. It's step, and weights. Why? Because I'm a good friend! Kat wants to check it out, and I'm sacrificing my personal body for her well being. It's going to kill me, especially when I have to go to aerobics tomorrow too. I didn't take this class until I had gotten 'use' to aerobics and was doing the hops and jumps. But, what doesn't kill me will inevitably make my butt look smaller!

Monday, June 12, 2006

I wouldn't say i've been missing it......

It's hard to believe it's back to work already! I'm suprisingly awake and alert. Of course, it is only 8:00 a.m. We caught a virus on the computer at home. That's fun.

Friday me and CP had a date! We went to see the Break Up. Which was a funny flick. The moral of the story was communication is key. Some old farts behind us talked the whole time every time Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaugn would fight, they'd say they were leaving, they couldn't stand it. Um, it's called the break up did ya think it was a love story?

Speaking of love, I miss my CP. You'd think I'd get to see him all the time, but I barely saw him at all last week. He kept telling me I was on vacation, not him. Yea, yea yea. Still! Him working that second job cuts into several days with his having to sleep it off, and being gone overnight. Bleh! I miss him a ton. Now I know how he felt with me always working. He really DID mean that he missed me!

Saturday I finished my projects set forth on vacation, the garage. I mopped my garage floor. Is it only a woman that would mop the garage floor? I dunno, it looks awesome! CP cleaned my car too! I went to his work and he did the carpets and upholstery. It looks like a brand new car, I love it! We went to a couple yard sales too. The crowning jewel that I found, was a bath spa. $4! The best $4 I ever spent! It's the kind that has a mat you sit on and tons of holes, and it is JUST like a jacuzzi. Except not as big, of course. The bubbles are so strong it jiggles the parts you don't wanna jiggle! It has heat too. I love it! Especially since the aerobics instructor on Saturday tried to kill us with her freaking leg workout. I couldn't even sit comfortably.

I took a nap with CP Saturday evening he had to work at 10pm. I slept pretty much the whole night until about 11. Then I got up and watched the end of Lost season 1 for the third time. We finally downloaded season 2 and I'll start that this weekend! The fools who don't watch Lost do not know what they are missing. I slept in with him yesterday til 2pm. Man, wasn't THAT nice!

I'm going to aerobics tonight, I'll go right after work so I'll have 45 minutes to walk, and do some weight machines before class. Tomorrow I'll be in for a world of hurtin! It's hard to believe I did this crap 5 days a week a year ago. But I can already tell my bodies changing. I don't think I'd lost all my muscle, it's already waking up! And it feels great! I logged all my steps in the woman's challenge, and I've averaged 13,000 steps a day. I've achieved active lifestyle status kids! We've trucked it to Missisippi!

Now that I'm back to work I have lots to do. My boss and coworker are going to a show tomorrow so I'll be just as busy this week as they were last week. Lucky me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Late Night...

It took forever to load my stinking blog tonight. We're downloading Lost season 2. You know you're jealous! I love the internet! I'm intoxicated. Typing while drunk is like in slow motion. My fingers work way faster than the brain and I'm making a billion errors. I got a turkey burger goin on the foreman grill. It's 2:30 a.m. I'm feelin it!

I went to the Bier Haus with Kat, My brother and CP. Kat took me to dinner at my brothers work to cheer me up. Bad news about my bunny Chelsea. She needs surgery, that I can't afford at $1,000. We're trying to treat her medically but it won't get better more than likely. I brokedown at the vet. I'm done crying today so I got drunk. I hope she makes it on all the meds she is on but I can't afford surgery when it's not guaranteed to not come back.

On a more fun note, I kicked my brother, Kat, and CP's asses at that Silverstar bowling game at the bar. I made fun of everyone playing it until I became the master. They couldn't stand that I kept winning. Like it's my fault I am a bowling prodigy??? CP sang at karaoke. He owned the joint. Some skank told him to take it off. She's lucky I'm a nice gal. CP saw a guy there that's always there, who is in his drug rehab therapy for DUI. Classic, at the bar huh?

CP came home at 1:30 and I went back til closing. It was only me Kat and my brother in the bar. Fun times man! I'm gonna be hung over. Good thing I'm off on vacation. So I'm going to eat my turkey burger and watch an episode of Lost cus it's only the best show ever. It took me forever to type this short post. Alchohol is baaaaad m'kay? I lost a whole lit cigarette in the car, tomorrow that will piss me right off too!

Good thoughts for my Chelsea bear she is sick but i'll elaborate sober.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Til Debt Do Us Part....

I don't really have much debt. But, my problem is my credit cards are too close to their limits. I only have 2. I have raised my credit score almost 100 points this past year. I guess that damn second job did me some amount of good! One thing that helped was having a loan in default removed in the amount of $4,000 that my EX husband got AFTER we were divorced. Nice. Always check your credit report!

Why can't I pay off my credit cards? Hmmm...well, I get charged more fees a month than my minimum payment would cover. That, blows! It's discouraging. I have 29% interest!! I pay double the minimum and it barely puts a dent in it! Plus, I got a cash advance um, 7 years ago, and I am charged a monthly fee for that as well. I havn't even activated either card in 6 years. I'm simply paying for shit I bought that long ago!

I...like many, have filed bankruptcy. This was back in 1999 and due to the fact that my asshole ex-husband up and left me with EVERYTHING, on $8.50 an hour, after running up both of our credit. (what's mine is yours!) We had no choice. Slap a foreclosure on top of that, add a dash of losing your job having your car repoed (and subsequently stealing one from your ex husband at work, with your dad's help, as it was titled to ME and my dad was the cosigner), and you come up with the perfect combination for shitty-ass-credit!!! (I do not recommend using this recipe)

My advice for any girl going through a divorce, is to soak that sumbitch for everything he's got! I was such an idiot! I thought I'd get him back by playing 'nice' with the divorce. I didn't get anything. I only requested spousal support to pay off past utilities!!!! DUMB ASSSSSSSS! I used his lawyer even though when I consulted one of my own, I could have gotten that dick for abandonment, and he'd have had to help me for much longer!

Why do I seem so bitter? That's a story that will never be told in one post. 7 years with that dill hole, and I put up with his physical, and mental abuse. Then, forgave him for having an affair. Twice. It wasn't so much that I was stupid, but that to me, marriage was forever, and I honestly thought we could get through anything. I had it bad for that boy, and I have never given myself to anyone as much as I did him ever since. I'll elaborate on that whole mess another day.

But now, 7 years later, no one will give me a loan to pay off my friggin credit cards. I can't get another card to transfer the balances to either. Not even from the bank I've been with for 16 years. So much for customer loyalty!

I dunno why either! I have a car, that I pay on time every month. So, twice in three years, I've paid it late, but within the grace period, so what! I got approved for a mortgage this year, you know, to buy a HOUSE. All by myself. Just me, no down payment, no co-signer. I got approved for my washer and dryer, that I paid off with 6 months same as cash, before the end of the loan. But I can't get any help paying off two measley credit cards?

CP was gung-ho on fixing his credit a while back. But, he lost his gung. Or, his ho, I dunno which. See, we're not getting married until our debt is fixed, that's my decision. Cus, of that what's mine is yours and all that crap! I don't want to start out being screwed, we'll get screwed enough once we get married.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Is Technology a Good Thing?...

The reason I had to work this weekend was because of Kinkos. I hadn't used them for months, because we got a new printer, but this is a 2,000 copy job, sort, 3 hole punch job. I'm not doing it. I'm on vacation, helloooo! So I called to have Kinkos do the work.

After having to submit my order online, which took me 45 minutes, I felt relieved that the job would be done for me, and ready to be put into the training books I've been working on. We have someone coming in to put them together while I'm away. So it arrives like 4 hours late on Friday, NOT 3 hole punched. AND missing one of the files. So, I had to insert a file in the middle of each of the sets, plus 3 hole punch them all. Had I not been on vacation at 4:30 they'd have gotten the damn job back to fix for themselves!

What else sucks thats automated? The auto checkout at the grocery store. You know you don't get a discount for checking out your own food, and bagging it. You put people out of work, but what do you get in return? Nothing. You get a computer telling you, your bagged item weight doesn't match the scanned item, and have to wait on a cashier to come rescue you anyways!

Ahh, vacation. I spent too much money today at Target. I also re-arranged my living room which took me 5 hours. I'm anal like that. I love new stuff! I purchased a microfiber cloth. Exciting? Yes! It cost $4, but this shit really works. It actually picks up dirt. And rinses clean. I love it. I also got CP some cute boxer briefs. He's sporting some tighty whities, that are like 2 sizes too big. He lost a bunch of weight yet, still wears the same draws. His butt was hanging down to his knees. Plus, I'm not liking the look of a brief, not my thang. He looks so cute in his new panties. I'm not allowed to call them panties either. But I did!

What else did I buy..new sheets! Love new sheets! 300 thread count. I'm living in the lap of luxury people! Their like silk! I love them! I also got my period after 4 months of freedom. That didn't cost me a thing. Lucky me. I'm officially a dork, because I spent time today stalking 2 squirrels, and a chipmunk. The bastards keep dumping my bird feeder, and stealing all the food. I caught them in the act. Did you know chipmunks climbed trees? I didn't, the fucker ran like nothing I'd ever seen and he sat on a branch and stared at me. Every time I chased the squirrels away, I'd go inside, and watch. They came right back! My birdie friends were afraid to come eat. They were in the trees chirping at the squirrels. I made noises, I threw rocks. I ran at them. By the end of the day I had to shake them off the tree and scream and run away. It's 6/6/06 folks, those shits could have been satan in disguise! It's war.

Sadly, my uncle died. My Momma's brother. He had been fighting cancer for 9 years. He was my Godfather. We didn't see him much, he lived in Florida. Mom was really upset, and I feel bad for her. Death is a rough thing, and each one is different that you have to deal with. Think happy thoughts for my Mommy. She isn't able to go to Florida for his memorial service, and I know that is hard on her.

Monday, June 05, 2006

How I Do R&R...

Boy, I kicked my own ass today! Day one of official vacation. I got up early. I was working all weekend on a freaking project for work. On vacation. Cus I am one of those annoying people who can't let anyone else do something, cus only I'll do it right. My fault. I had to drop it off at work bright and early.

CP brought the van home and cleaned the carpets. I helped him with this sprayer thing, and I complained the whole time. That's mens work! I said I am so happy I sit on my ass all day. But all the carpets are clean. And the furniture too! Everything is misplaced off of the carpets and it's a wreck, but having a clean floor is a whole new world! I made the dog a little sleepy spot in the laundry room so she can't piss all over my clean carpets anymore!

After breaking my back doing carpets, I headed to aerobics class. First time in 16 months. I thought, this isn't so bad. Til we did the leg toning. And the abs. I wasn't up to par but I did the whole class, and when I got home I took the dog for a little 20 minute walk in the woods. There's a dead raccoon back there. And I saw a doe a deer. I love nature it just makes me smile! Not the dead raccoon, but you get the drift. I feel great. Now. Tomorrow will be a whole other story! It's amazing what a little exercise can do for your mood.

I've been watching season 1 of Lost. Cus, It's an addiction. And I've been catching up on the 4400, as the new season starts soon. I hate to say that I'm officially bored. I am seriously a workaholic. I like to complain, but I'm lost without it! I'm going to get some new shelves and rearrange the living room. We have over 200 DVD's and they just look sloppy on the shelves as is. I'm on a mission at the thrift stores!

Bubba came over saturday for a fire. We had girl talk. Me and CP found a place on the road that sells wood, on the honor system. Who does that? You put the money in a lock box, and take what you need. We got 20 peices for $4. That's a good deal!

I'm going to see The Omen tomorrow. Cus it's just a friggin' movie. The headline in our paper today was "End of the world, or just Tuesday?" Uhhh. It's just tuesday folks!

Friday, June 02, 2006

Free At Last!! Free At Last!!....

I'm a free woman! I went home at 4:30 after work. It was freaking thrilling! It was raining, so me and Tayray didn't walk. I cleaned my whole upstairs in 3 hours. It was still a wreck from the party last weekend. I went to bed at 11:30 which is early for me! I got up early, and got to work on time! Good things happen when you don't work 2 jobs. Yoo hoooo! CP got a friggin car. A probe with 190 THOUSAND miles on it for $650. Like we could afford that. He borrowed the $ from work. His other car was a bigger heap than this one, so whatever. He likes driving a heap and owning it. I prefer to ride in style and pay for it. He took me for ice cream in his own car, and even opened the door for me like a gentleman. So, that was nice! You know, doing what regular folks do. In the daylight.

Now that I quit my second job, CP is starting a second job on Monday. He's only working 2 nights a week, so it's not as bad. It'll be good for us financially. Let's see how long he can hang at 2 days vs. my 5. Of course he is going to work Saturday nights. So, I'll be able to participate in some girls nights with no flack from the man. Hey, I try to get him to play with his friends! His 'me time' he likes to spend on the computer playing that stupid game. He says it's social for him so, to each his own as they say!

Tonight is the ghost hunt at Rogues Hollow. Its from 9p.m. to 3 a.m. We tried going there a few times for free, but the person who stays in the mill to keep an eye on things let the dog chase us away. Too bad I just watched that movie abominable last night. Cus my Momma said it was good. It was OK. But I hope those guys don't live in Doylestown. I'm looking for ghosts, not monsters m'kay? My sister was suppose to go, but we all remember that they stood me up for vacation, right?

I'm on vacation next week. It's ok to be jealous, I would be too. Am I going anywhere? No. But I'm not working! I'm starting back to the gym on vacation, taking walks, organizing my closets and my garage, going to the movies by myself (which I love!), taking the dog and the rabbit to 2 different vets, and you know what? For some reason this excites me. I would have thought I was a total loser 5 years ago. But I'm perfectly content to do this shit now. I'm mature like that.

I will most likley be working over today, the last day before vacation I have a ton of shit to get done. I'm working on training manuals, 60 of them. I have help coming in today, hopefully we crank out as much as we can. I dressed up on dress down day cus it's so humid you can drink the air, and I'll be slaving away in receiving. With no A/C! Well, as long as they don't shut our internet off I'll also be blogging, and surfing blog explosion. Which is my computer addiction.

Anyone else think this is freaking incredible? The story of the two girls that were in an accident and one died, and they had their identities mixed up?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid...

One night we were talking a group of us, around the fire. The guys were discussing about porn. We all laughed as we talked about different terms for a 'money shot' and whatnot. Us girls got a kick out of how the guys knew all this special terminology. For porn. Yea. You should always be proud you know what a rusty trombone is. (gross!)

Then, one guy said something about those women with grotesquely (is that a word?) Huge breasts and how it is nasty. Another guy said "I like small tits". Then CP pipes in "Me too, A or AA!!!". Mind you, I'm sitting right next to him, sporting my double D's.

So, I pinched him, discreetly, and said that's a real nice comment to make right in front of me and my friends. He then told me, "I like yours too". I know we all like an ideal man or woman, but you don't mention those ideals in front of the person you are with, and her friends.

So, I told him that would be like me saying 'ideally I like big cocks, but yours is ok too'. Because honestly? But do I ever mention that? No.

Get the picture? After that he was mad at ME for it. Because I turned it into a big deal. I insulted his manhood. Maybe I did, but I am the one who felt insulted. He is honestly the first guy I have personally dated, that has ever not liked ample breastage! Then, one of the guys kept saying, "Boobs are a bonus, if you got em you got em".

Some things are just better left unsaid....another example:

My ex TWDSO was really excited when Debbie Gibson was in Playboy. TWDSO had to countdown the days until Debbie was in the magazine. "15 days til the new Playboy...14, 13... he said that shit to me. Every. Day. Like I cared. The day of the release, he emailed me at work:

"Debbie Gibson comes out today I'm so excited! I'm going on my lunch break to pick it up!"

I replied:

"(so and so joe schlong) comes out today, I'm so excited"

He asked me if it was a CD I was buying. Who is so and so joe schlong? I just took my happy ass down to the adult book store on my lunch break, which is way classy btw, and got a Playgirl. After all my girlfriends got a kick out of it, I laid it around the house every day with the buff men and their huge packages face up. Since, He read his Playboy in bed next to me, I found this an even trade.

It wasn't the playboy. He had hundreds of them. It was that he had to go out of his way to tell me every day that he couldn't wait to see some other chick naked.

It's not the fact that men do this stupid shit, for me, it's when they have to make it a big deal. It's ok to watch porn, or look at playboy, whatever. What you do in your spare time is your business within reason. If you want to jerk it to someone else, don't tell me!

But don't have guy talk in front of your girl, and don't tell her how excited you are to see another chick naked. Or how you prefer small breasted women, when clearly your girl is NOT! Thinking it, is one thing, saying it to her is another!

When you ask a guy what he looks for generally, it's physical. Hair color, breast size, thin, thick, complexion etc... When you ask a woman, generally it's a personality. Sense of humor, caring, kind etc...

We are far more likely to overlook someones appearance, than men are. I'm not saying that men don't, but not as often as women. We talk to the guy that doesn't catch our eye, because he makes us laugh. Guys tend to talk to the girl who catches their eye, until she talks. How right am I?