"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Well, My Insides Don't Hurt Or Anything....

See me using positive thinking in my title? Thinking away the fact that I'm in pain? Yea, that's not working for me at all.

I won't bore you to tears with how sad I was last night that I didn't get to see my man cuz he is sick. And, how, for the first time since we started dating, it will be a week since we've seen each other, given we still see each other this weekend. *siiiiiiiiiiigh*. I might have cried, but I'm not seeing it as weakness. I'm seeing it as positive because I tend to hide and deny my feelings. So, having them is a personal victory for me. I would've taken care of him, cus that's how much I love him. I think this is a time where the distance thing really blows. And I'm over talking about it cus it's just gonna depress me.

Instead, I'll focus on the positive of the evening.

I got to go tanning. I can only go once a week, cus I work god-awful hours. It felt nice, and I had my quick nap which always seems to get me going! And I also got a real-live workout in! Meaning, yesterday I walked for an hour and a half total, and did a 1/2 hour of abs/weights. This made me feel fantastic. Not as fantastic as "working out with the boy". *ahem* And not quite as rewarding either. Oh well.

I have no cable. They shut my shit off. Sad, that I work so much and can't pay my bills. Oh yea, they didn't pay me at the second job. Silly girl. Yea, how's getting that paycheck going for you? It's not. End of discussion. I'm beyond pissed about it. But there is nothing else I can do to change it. So, what's meant to be will be. After all I went thru to get money to cover my rent, do you think she's cashed my check yet? No. Fucking. Bitch! I get paid tomorrow and I couldn have saved myself all the trouble of borrowing money. You live and learn!

I have horrid cramps. Which I will be discussing with the Dr. today. I didn't even have such bad cramps not being on the pill, and that's bad because I had baaaaaaaaad cramps! Want a pretty worthless birth control pill? Try Desogen. The only thing good I can say about it is I didn't gain weight. And that could just be because I work out regularly, I wouldn't give credit to that shit pill. Why oh why can't I get my tubes tied? Seriously....it's my freaking body!

I'm listening to a really good book at work. "Transformations" by Wayne Dyer. It's a lot of the same ideas as "The Secret" which if you don't know by now...I swear by. Only it's explained a bit differently. Same idea, in that you can change your life by your thoughts. But think of it like this. All we are, are our thoughts. Think about your past. You have feelings and memories about it...but it isn't tangible. You can't touch it. You can't hold it, they are thoughts. Only thoughts. But we deem them so powerful. Thoughts are powerful.

Think of people in your life. You don't have them in your mind, you have thoughts of them. Being upset about, or wanting to change the past in your own life, is just as useful as thinking about the Veitnam War, feeling bad about it, and wanting to change it. You can't change that, and you can't change your own past. It's pointless to try, a waste of energy. You should focus on positive thought, because it's all we have. Thoughts are that powerful.

He also goes on to talk about not fearing aging, because the only thing that ages is our "shell" not our spirit. And that we are not even in the same bodies we were in 7 years ago, all the cells have been replaced. Isn't that interesting? I am really worried about aging, so this is particularly interesting to me. But then, I'm only on disc 2.

And, to make myself feel better, with all the womanly crap I've got going on, and missing the man....I just visited the diamonds. Diamonds always make a girl feel better. But I am no longer putting anything on my employee account, so I have to wait until I have the cash for stuff. You know, after I pay the cable bill. And then, it's Christmas time.

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