I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking right now. I have PMS. I'm getting a nasty cold. I barely got any sleep, and I really exerted myself physically yesterday...ifyaknowwhatImean. The man and I had the "where is our relationship going" talk last night. And at the time, I felt good about it. I guess I still feel good about it, but if I think about the future then I get upset. That is how I've been with our relationship for a while now. It's overwhelming to think about everything that will have to change for us to be together long term. And, I can't handle that sort of change all at once.
I thought he was dumping me. I really did. I mean, we had a good talk. He said he wants to see me more, and have me be more a part of his life, which is also what I want. But he said that there is no spontanaiety to our relationship, and it's so structured, and we can't deepen it by only seeing each other a few times a week. He started out by saying that the problem is circumstantial, and in no way a reflection of me or our relationship. I knew the distance thing would wind up being a problem eventually. And, I know where he's coming from. It sucks that we can't just hang out on a "school night" because there's a two hour drive (round trip) involved in seeing each other.
We don't get to hang out with each others friends, or stop by for the heck of it. There is a lot we don't get to do. But I also think that the time we do spend together is amazing. We talked about what could be done to make things better. I work a lot. I wont work a lot forever, that's not my intention. He will be going to school and working more, and we'll have even less time for each other than we do now. That thought scares me. I hate being apart from him as it is, for a few days!
A part of me feels like if he wants to be with me, then we should live together. But then thats also the part of me that makes stupid decisions, and wants to do things right this time. That's what the old me would do. Rush into things. But I also think sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and you can't tell it what it wants, so until it gets it, it'll ache. I think thems the ropes. It's got a mind of its own. I also understand, the need to live on your own without a girlfriend/boyfriend. Everyone should experience that, and I can respect his want/need for that as well. Which is what he wants to do before living with a girl again.
All in all it was a good talk, and positive things came out of it. But the long and short of it is we both want to spend more time together. The only solution I could offer is I move closer to work, and I've been tossing the idea around for a long time now. It's half the distance to his house. It's not something that can even happen any time soon, because I can't afford to live near work. It's way more expensive, and I have to pay down my debt first, and get some money saved up. So then I worry that I am going to lose what we have in the mean time. Which is silly, because I really believe we are meant for each other, and nothing can change that. Not even circumstances.