"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, December 06, 2007

They Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage...

All day yesterday? I thought about having sex with the man. It's his fault. When I got home, he was there already, we kissed, and the rest is history. I mean, seriously folks, this is what coming home is suppose to be like. First of all, I couldn't wait to see him. Second of all? We have amazing sex. I can remember a time when I dreaded going home, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. What I also don't want to feel again? Like I don't want to have sex. I quite enjoy it. CP and me had a pretty crappy sex life. If you can even call it that. Now that I know how it can be, I'm forever spoiled.

As usual we had a pretty good conversation. Marriage. Kids. He said that he's dated girls that say that's what they want right off the bat, and he would ask them why they wanted that and they had no response. I can relate to this, people want it because you're "suppose to" want it. It's exactly the reason I got married. It was the next "logical" step. We were together for five years, so depsite the fact that our relationship pretty much sucked, we decided it was a good idea to get married. Cus that is what was expected. Same reason people think I'm nuts when I say I don't want kids. "But...but, you're suppose to".

I can say that I know I want to be married, but it's not that if it doesn't happen I will be devastated. I guess I should say, I want the kind of love that will bring marriage without a second thought, it shouldn't be a question in my eyes. And kids? I doubt I ever decide I want them. But I also know that I've never loved anyone enough to want to have their children. The idea scares the crap out of me. Everything from the pregnancy, childbirth, to 18 years (plus) of being responsible for another life.

But I have looked at the man, and thought....I could have his babies. Don't freak out. I'm not stupid. Nor have I completely lost my mind. I've just never thought that. The ex husband wanted to make me want to have his babies, but luckily I didn't fall for it. To me, it's only a sign of how much I love him. I still don't think the kids thing is going to change. And, I sure as hell didn't tell the man that I had those thoughts. Boys have a way of hearing what they want. And I think he may get the wrong idea. Or stop having sex with me. Both, could be horrific!

So, in the long run, I told the man that I think he hasn't been divorced long enough yet. I'm pretty sure I had the same feelings about marriage for a while. You have a bad experience, and that's what you remember. Like bad service at a restaurant. The food could be great. And, that waitress could be long gone, but you still remember that one time you went there, and the service really sucked. When people ask you to go there it's the first thought on your mind "oh, I had really shitty service there, no thanks". But in time, you go back, and have a positive experience. I think if it's meant to happen for us it will. When the time is right. What I do know, is that I am madly in love with him, and that's enough for me.

One of the billion things that relationships have taught me, is that you have a right to be picky. I dated several people who were not good to me at all. And instead of standing up for what I wanted for myself, I somehow rationalized it into being OK, simply because I was afraid to be alone. On the flip side of that..there is always another guy. Sometimes you think there will never be anyone else. But they always come along. And as long as you learn from your mistakes, they are progressively better. I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I found a "prince".

BTW...I think the man has cured the mess on my face. He told me the medicine the Dr. gave me was for something else and if I was allergic to the pill I should use an allergy cream, so I got one, and its almost gone! It's not puffy and peeling like it has been. Imagine that. He's pretty handy. I might have mentioned that.


Anonymous said...

Well, marriage and kids are a heavy responsibility. I never decided to have kids or not, it just happened. Well, I guess using nothing is kinda like deciding but still....

I wouldn't trade nothing for any of'em.

Glad the man fixed the face peeling :p


Nice post today... sounds like new love. The best kind. Even better when four years later you're still feeling the same way. Keep it up and you will be too.

Janet said...

Your post makes a lot of good points. I know that we've discussed the whole doing things like marriage and kids and how so many people do it bc they feel they are "supposed" to. It's weird to analyze the why and realize for the most part, that is the reason.

EC said...

oh man, you've got it bad. Great post though -really thoughful and introspective.

Now go watch a football game and get over it ;)

Just Expressing Myself said...

Sounds like someone's got the glow.
Nothing like the glow.
Keep shining baby.
Your Sagg buddy,

RR Johnson Jr. said...

Make sure that both of you discuss dreams, finances, and babies TOGETHER. That is very important.

citta.poplin said...

i'm telling you, we are in the exact same place. i may not have an ex-husband, but i have kissed a lot of frogs only to happily discover a shiny and beautiful prince.

"What I also don't want to feel again? Like I don't want to have sex."

love it.

Mon said...

yea it kinda happening is the best way to do things in my opinion. Well except for the kids thing. I'm pretty meticulous about preventing that one!

Thank you! Thats the kind of love I want, so I know I'll have it! All things are possible with a little effort!

its true..people esp want to have kids to have someone to take care of them. not for any good reason. its quite interesting! i know i got married because i thought i should not really cus i felt it was right.

I watched a game yesterday. No way it can compare to sex. ha ha ha.

Yes, I sure do have it bad!!

I'm sure we will. We did discuss most of those things. But i dunno that its time to be anymore in depth with it.

Awesome, what a wonderful feeling!! Yea, right? You shouldnt be with someone who makes you not want to have sex. Seriously, I hope I'm never that stupid again!