All day yesterday? I thought about having sex with the man. It's his fault. When I got home, he was there already, we kissed, and the rest is history. I mean, seriously folks, this is what coming home is suppose to be like. First of all, I couldn't wait to see him. Second of all? We have amazing sex. I can remember a time when I dreaded going home, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. What I also don't want to feel again? Like I don't want to have sex. I quite enjoy it. CP and me had a pretty crappy sex life. If you can even call it that. Now that I know how it can be, I'm forever spoiled.
As usual we had a pretty good conversation. Marriage. Kids. He said that he's dated girls that say that's what they want right off the bat, and he would ask them why they wanted that and they had no response. I can relate to this, people want it because you're "suppose to" want it. It's exactly the reason I got married. It was the next "logical" step. We were together for five years, so depsite the fact that our relationship pretty much sucked, we decided it was a good idea to get married. Cus that is what was expected. Same reason people think I'm nuts when I say I don't want kids. "But...but, you're suppose to".
I can say that I know I want to be married, but it's not that if it doesn't happen I will be devastated. I guess I should say, I want the kind of love that will bring marriage without a second thought, it shouldn't be a question in my eyes. And kids? I doubt I ever decide I want them. But I also know that I've never loved anyone enough to want to have their children. The idea scares the crap out of me. Everything from the pregnancy, childbirth, to 18 years (plus) of being responsible for another life.
But I have looked at the man, and thought....I could have his babies. Don't freak out. I'm not stupid. Nor have I completely lost my mind. I've just never thought that. The ex husband wanted to make me want to have his babies, but luckily I didn't fall for it. To me, it's only a sign of how much I love him. I still don't think the kids thing is going to change. And, I sure as hell didn't tell the man that I had those thoughts. Boys have a way of hearing what they want. And I think he may get the wrong idea. Or stop having sex with me. Both, could be horrific!
So, in the long run, I told the man that I think he hasn't been divorced long enough yet. I'm pretty sure I had the same feelings about marriage for a while. You have a bad experience, and that's what you remember. Like bad service at a restaurant. The food could be great. And, that waitress could be long gone, but you still remember that one time you went there, and the service really sucked. When people ask you to go there it's the first thought on your mind "oh, I had really shitty service there, no thanks". But in time, you go back, and have a positive experience. I think if it's meant to happen for us it will. When the time is right. What I do know, is that I am madly in love with him, and that's enough for me.
One of the billion things that relationships have taught me, is that you have a right to be picky. I dated several people who were not good to me at all. And instead of standing up for what I wanted for myself, I somehow rationalized it into being OK, simply because I was afraid to be alone. On the flip side of that..there is always another guy. Sometimes you think there will never be anyone else. But they always come along. And as long as you learn from your mistakes, they are progressively better. I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I found a "prince".
BTW...I think the man has cured the mess on my face. He told me the medicine the Dr. gave me was for something else and if I was allergic to the pill I should use an allergy cream, so I got one, and its almost gone! It's not puffy and peeling like it has been. Imagine that. He's pretty handy. I might have mentioned that.