"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Letting Things Go..

So, I've been working on this whole enlightenment thing. Which, I think is going to be a long journey for me, but so long as I stay on the path, I'll be happy with myself. I said before that Wayne Dyer said to him to be enlightened, is when you realize everyone is on their own path. Basically you let people be themselves. Give up power over what you have no control over. This is hard for me. But I have found, that when I am happy in my life with myself, it comes natural.

When I let other people ruffle my feathers, and get under my skin, I would tend to turn anger outward onto them. When really, I need to look at how I handle the situaton. This is hard. But, I've been doing it for a while now. One thing I learned in counseling that has stuck with me, is that just because something is important to me, doesn't mean it's important to other people. I can't expect someone to fold towels the way I do. If I want them folded a certain way...I do it myself and don't complain. I know I got this part of my character from my Momma. Not that I'm blaming her, but you learn what you live. My Mom wanted things "just so" and I have a bit of that in me too.

What brings this up, is that CP sent me a link to his blog. So, naturally, I went to read it. Which is basically a place where he is writing his journal entries from when he was in rehab. I understand the purpose of blogging, and that his perspective is his. What bothers me is that I have let it tick me off. It's amazing how you can have such different perspectives in life. I understand, he is on his own path. His view, and opinion of our time together is his own. It's not right or wrong.

However, it was my understanding that I was helping him out, letting him stay with me. While he never paid me a dime. He wrote that I didn't like to help people financially because if I could make it anyone can. Well.....? I saw it as...why should I work two jobs while you sit on your high, unemployed ass and do nothing? I had every right to be pissed off. We agreed he would pay me and he didn't. He also wrote, that I would recover from his owing me $3-$400 because I'm use to being disappointed by him. Is there any question why we broke up last year? Most addicts are like that. They suck the life out of you. Take whatever they can from you and never think about how you are struggling. Only that they are hurting for drugs.

My being pissed off, and ultimately kicking him out? I think this comes with having boundries. I was learning what mine were this past year, and starting to stick to them. I guess he hasn't reached this point in his own personal journey, and so I have to let it go.

Letting him stay with me and my brother was my fault. Insanity. You know, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I'm learning. Little by little. I'm getting my shit together more every day. I can now understand my fault in the whole situation. A few months ago, I would have blamed him still. I'm over that part, and I am letting it go.

I also emailed him and asked him (yet again) to change his address from my house, because I am tired of receiving his mail.

I get to see my man tonight, and I'm soooo excited! It's hard to go one day let alone TWO without seeing him. If you don't know the feeling. I feel for you. Seriously. Go out and get yourself a hottie like mine. Oh, I know it's not that easy. Trust me there!

I saw Saw IV Friday with Kat. Good. Fucking. Movie! I can't wait to see it again...the ending was sort of confusing.


EC said...

You DO have to let it go Mon - seriously, you are with a great guy now. CP was an ass, and you shouldn't care what the fuck he wrote about you which by the way he probably wrote it because he knew it would get to you. Don't sweat the small things, delete the blog, and move on with your life :)

Mon said...

I know, you're totally right, and I think I'm on my way! I also think youre right that he probably did it specifically to piss me off because god forbid i be so happy without him.