"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Ho Ho!..

Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. I'm over everyones political correctness. Last night I read an old journal from when I met CP. This is where keeping a journal comes in pretty handy. God, from the first week we met, he was asking me for money, in a "kidding" manner. I questioned it and wondered what his intentions were. I actually called it red flag #1, and there were several more to follow. He also had mood swings from the drugs. And I began within the first 4 months to peice together how his drug use affected our sex life (or lack thereof). And..he peed the bed. He guilted me into letting him live with me when I wasn't ready. "Forgot" he was married.

Then, there was the porn. Not the occasional I'm checkin out the babes online, the hours upon hours of porn. The sick things I found like young girls. Which he denied was his, like, someone broke in and looked up porn on his computer. And the most important part, was all this time looking at it, and not doing it with a very willing partner, is also a freaking problem. I can vouch for the fact that it can do wonders on your self esteem. Like he was some prize, you know? I'm pretty happy for the way things turned out. Funny looking back at it all. I mean...do you ever look back and wonder, what the fuck you were doing with your life?

I also see everything I wanted, I've found. I'm where I'm suppose to be. I stop myself all the time from thinking about next week, or next month, because it's too overwhelming and I get too scared. Patience. I' m trying.

Merry Christmas, hope santa brings you everything you want! I'm opening prezzies tonight with my brother, cooking a turkey at midnight. And tomorrow I'm gonna visit with the man and his fam!

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