Childhood Rears Its Ugly Head...

Remember how I said when we were growing up we were poor? Like not eating dirt poor, but Mom and Dad divorced and Mom didnt make enough to support us really, and for instance, once a church brought us food. A big box of it. To me it was like Christmas!

We'd get trash bags of hand me down clothes from Moms friends...it was awesome! We lived in a trailer, with possums and skunks living underneath, which was totally cool.

We were on food stamps, which was pimp, cus we could get whatever we wanted to eat. We never felt deprived. We use to get the dreaded PINK FREE lunch tickets at school so everyone knew you were poor. My school fines were waived for a few years, cus we were poor.

And all my clothes were bought from Acme Click where my Mom worked, I never had name brands, I always had knock offs. And never anything new, we had to shop while Mom worked, and give her what we wanted, and she'd "put it back" aka hide it under the shoe bin in the shoe department until it went on sale.

Instead of a Pound puppy, I had a lonley puppy. Which is so generic I couldn't find a picture. Instead of a Cabbage Patch, I had Pumpkin Patch kids. I did have a cabbage patch once the hype was over.

I actually stole someones cabbage patch kid in grade school. Well not technically. But it was in the lost and found and I said it was mine. Someone saw me with it and her brother said I stole it and I had to give it back.

I never disclosed that when I got my job, and they asked me if I ever stole anything. *gulp* Have you ever done drugs? Sure, I smoked pot, who didn't? Did you ever steal? No! Never!

The moral of this story is, I am still that poor girl on the inside. And I still get generic things. For Christmas, Mom didn't get me a Snuggie...I got a Fuzzie Wuzzie.

Which I like better than a stupid old Snuggie anyway.

Die of Cute

I don't have much to share. So here is a picture of my adorable shih poo in his new Dress Barn
Original sweater, complete with a nubby on the hat. You can tell, he loves it!

Christmas was fantastic, I spent it with an awesome lovebug, that I felt blessed to be with. I ate too much at my Moms, and me and Magoo stayed the night over there, and sweated to death.

Mom has the heat on 65 or something, and I'm use to freezing at a cool 55. I was seriously too hot!

And now, I'm surviving on low sodium, no calorie chicken bullion, carrots, clementines, and cucumber water. I think I ate enough over the past few weeks for an entire lifetime. Some day I'll get that addiction thing under control. Until I can fit into my pants and breathe the way I did 3 weeks ago. At least I didn't quit working out, I bet if I did I'd have gained 20lbs.

I like food.

Too much!

For more cute, heres a video of Magoo and his new Christmas toy. He's unsure of toys and playing, since he lived his first 5 years in a breeding cage, and this is huge for him, and the squeaker, well he isn't so sure of that yet!

Christmas Prank..

At work, we are lucky enough to work for some of the big executives. With that, comes some pretty sweet gifts. One of the girls at work had one ask her, what she wanted for Christmas, and she said she wanted a lame ass gift card to Archivers (scrapbooking...puke) and he responded "oh, I was going to get you a /name brand of one of our big jewelry items this year that if I told you I'd have to kill you/ but if thats what you want, ok!"

Afterwards of course, she was kicking herself, wishing she'd just taken the original expensive gift. So she emailed him and said on second thought the name brand of said jewelry was a better idea.

Cut to a week later, when they have a fight. Executive is a hot head, and a bit of a douche bag too. So she thinks she isn't getting said jewelry item. She's off work today, and he dropped her gift at her desk, in a box that cannot be mistaken for anything but this certain gift.

So, since we are all stuck at the office, we took another jewelry box, filled it with tissue paper, and inserted a nice, but FREE company pen from our 100 year anniversary party, which we all have several of into the box, and topped it with a bow. We called her to tell her he dropped her gift off and it HAD to be the jewelry item so she has to come get it.

And the look on her face when she opened it...was worth coming to work for.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas isnt Christmas without wine..

I had wine on my desk today. I sure can't imagine why people buy me alchohol as a gift.


Ohh This is fun, I stole it from here.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Neither. I like hot cocoa, made in a pan and stirred constantly until delicious, and topped with marshmallows. Don't swiss miss, or Nestle Quick me, I want the real thing baby!


2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? If you tell me santa still brings you gifts, I might just cry in jealousy.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White, cus I'm a classy kinda gal.


4. Do you hang mistletoe? I don't need an excuse to kiss a cute boy!


5. When do you put up your decorations? As soon as possible! I love to enjoy the christmas tree glow!



6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Buckeyes, but mom doesn't do them anymore. She put rice krispies in hers, and ive never had anyones taste as good. We're not traditional though. We're having meatballs this year.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? When I finally got a cabbage patch kid. Even if they weren't as popular anymore cus we were poor and couldn't afford things when they were new. lol
Waking up at the crack of dawn to see what santa brought, opening all the gifts, and remembering....STOCKINGS!!!


8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I'm the baby. My older brother ruined it for me. He pointed out that santa always used the same wrapping paper as mom and dad.



9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open Christmas eve. Then Christmas day is when we opened santas gifts. Then when mom and dad got divorced we had the two split also. We still celebrate xmas eve. Just more fun and non traditional I guess.


10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I have two. One is for all my fun ornaments, and one is a theme tree that I use to change each couple years, but now has been blue silver and white for a while. This year I let a single mom at work borrow the tree cus she didn't have one. She better give it back! (see how humanitarian I am?)


11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I don't mind the snow. I hate the slush and ice.


12. Can you ice skate? I havn't tried in forever and roller skating recently was a challenge!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Like...ever? No I don't remember, probably my cabbage patch kid.


14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Well after watching the history of Christmas i dont feel obligated to say jesus or anything, because I know its about winter Solstice. It's NOT just a christian holiday people. Its about family, laughing, eating, and presents. And thats the truth. Pfffft.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? I love pecan pie. But frosted sugar cookies are my weakness! Or peanut butter kisses. Oh Em Geeee!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Hmmm. I like presents.

17. What tops your tree? A polish star. I call it the polish star, because I'm polish, but its not. its just a joke because growing up we got a star that was multi colored lights on the tree, and was the tackiest thing in the world and my MOM (the non polish parent) called it the polish star I believe. I have a gawdy diamond-y star, that I call the polish star in memorium of the good old days.


18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Please, everyone loves presents!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I love the muppets and john denver christmas album, and anything on it is my favorite.


20. Candy Canes? Yes? No? Color? Disss gusss ting. I like the flavory ones though. Like raspberry or something. The man bought sour patch kids candy canes and those are pretty tasty.


21. Do you feel Christmas is too commercialized? Since I work at corporate for a ginormous retail company, umm...hell, no. Go out and spend your money, raise our stock, and get us our BONUSES! Momma has a buttload of fines and taxes to pay!

Mean People Suck

I was up til 2:30am, working for ChaCha. Usually its entertaining but all I did was answer questions about the lunar eclipse. So I decided to stay up and see it. Its peak was at 3:17am in case you cared.

If you missed it, it looked like a freaking half moon. Big whoop.

But this made me tired today. When I am tired I get goofey.



So, can you tell that the celementines, are my grapefruits hair?

You should always play with your breakfast foods, and make your employees laugh.
If not, you suck as a boss, and people talk about you behind your back.


P.S. I'm aware that they probably do when you draw smilies on your fruit as well, but I'd rather be known for being fun, than being a bitch.

I like challenges...

I am going to start this fitness venture, after my incarceration.

By incarceration, I mean my six days in "minimum security" lock up for my DUI. Any time I am being held against my will, its incarceration to me.

And by fitness venture, I mean Crossfit! It looks pretty bad-ass and they opened one close to my house. I managed to lose 70 lbs a few years ago, but I've lost and gained 15lbs here and there ever since. And in retrospect, losing that was way easier than keeping it off. I didn't need to work out as much, just stopped eating an entire carton of ice cream, and 2 subway subs. You know, the basics.

I'm excited, this summer, I vow to not have fatty arms!

Guess what? I'm hungry.

When I'm an old lady I'm going to be fat, and eat whatever I want!!

Christmas Cheer...

I don't like shopping. I lack the genetic make up of normal girls who can spend hours looking at things and touching them, and either deciding I can't live without them, or walking away. I don't mind going once in a while, but 99% of the time I like to go for what I need, and leave.

So, Christmas is not my forte. Mostly because I don't just go out and buy myself things whenever I feel like it. So to go out and spend money on other people, makes me a little bit jealous. There, now you all know that when you get a gift from me, I'm jealous of it. Like when you buy your sister diamond earrings that happen to be bigger than yours you have to trade yours up because why would your sister have bigger earrings than you? You DO work for a jeweler!

Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't care.

For the first time, like...ever I waited until today to do any shopping. One week before Christmas.

I have to go to Wal Mart tonight.

Please feel bad for me.


In other news, I broke out my meal tracker from when I was in boot camp. I forgot what type of food I ate during that time..Here is an example of a typical day:

Breakfast: Turkey bacon, egg beater, 1 slice of wheat toast
Lunch: chicken breast and green peppers
Dinner: Healthy choice veggie soup (60 calories) turkey burger no bun
Snack: orange, carrots, celery
Water: 80 oz

I felt great while attending boot camp and I dropped a lot of sizes. But the truth of the matter is I was always starving.

Are skinny people just always hungry? Do you just have to come to that conclusion? Because I've heard many a skinny celebrity admit that.

Hoe Bath...

I'm hip to the whole sponge bath thing. Like, in the summer time, between showers perhaps, when you want to freshen up.

At home.

But for some reason, at work, people just love to stand at the sink in the locker room, directly beside where I am drying my freshly showered hair, (yes, we have nice showers to use) and wet paper towels, and proceed to clean their hoo-has and butt cracks with me standing right there.

I mean, fine if you dont want to clean your sweaty ass after you work out, but you can at least take the paper towels into the shower room, if not the shower stall, and do it there.

I cannot stand seeing people in the halls, knowing they cleaned their hoo ha right beside me.

It makes me feel dirty.

I'm the big 3 5...

I'm 35 Today. So heres 35 mostly pointless things to say.


1. 35 isn't old. I remember thinking 35 was mature. But, well lets face it, I'm still a kid in a lot of ways. A kid that pays her bills, and lives on her own.


2. I'm logically half way thru my lifetime. But we wont go there.


3. We got a ginormous storm in NE Ohio. I don't remember a time when it more than dusted with snow before my birthday. This is a bunch of horse shit. According to Mark Johnson, the devil himself was outside waiting to pitch fork you if you left the house. We got like 3 inches. I hate weather people. And this guy.

4. I didn't get drunk for my birthday. I'm growing up!




5. I ate three peanut butter with reese cup cookies today a girl at work made. Stay tuned, it's still early.


6. I'm not working out for my birthday so I'll probably gain 5lbs from the eating in #5. That's how my body works for me. Not very well.


7. I'm pertty sure I have arthritis in my foot from my old running injury. Getting old sucks.


8. My desk at work is decorated with all hello kitty stuff cus shes awesome. Yes, I realize I'm 35. So is Hello Kitty so shut up.


9. A crackhead decided to stand at the end of my driveway today for no other reason than he is a crackhead, and shuffeled into the street when I just kept backing up at him. I heart the city.


10. I am thinking of cutting most of my hair off. I'm afraid though, so don't quote me.


11. I had a mouse in my broiler of my oven, and I just caught him Saturday. Poor little disease ridden guy.



12. I turned my heat up to 55, which is huge, because I'm a cheap ass who never has a gas bill over $100, or really even close.


13. My favorite Christmas music is the Muppets Christmas w/John Denver. I really wish they'd put the muppets back on TV. Not a remake. The real original muppets. Please, and thank you.




14. I'm in love with a stripper.


15. Just kidding, but I was singing that song, cus we rented the wrestler this weekend, and I was suprised that Marissa Tome took it all off for that movie


16. I don't feel good from eating too many cookies. And a bagel. And chip dip.


17. Someone should come to work and clean my desk for me. It's really bad, and I'm setting a bad example to the department.


18. It's almost christmas, and I bought three gifts. I suck.


19. When I say I'm the big 3-5 i feel like it should be followed with "Elizabeth, I'm comin to join ya honey" ala Fred Sanford. Even though, its not old.


20. I thought when I was in high school, that I'd be practically retired at 35.


21. When you are in high school you are a total freaking dumb ass, aren't you?


22. I really miss Lost. They don't make shows like that anymore. I miss how excited I use to get when it was on, and how I'd slow mo the tivo to see hidden clues. I feel like all TV hope is lost. Especially now that the Walking Dead is over.



23. I learned at my ripe young age, I'm a clencher.



24. Don't be gross, that means I clench my teeth too much, and the dentist had to file down my teeth and recommended a mouth guard. I have sore teeth, and no cracks, cavities, or decay. What the fuck?


25. Doesn't wearing a mouth guard sound pretty hot? I bet next, it'll be circulation socks, and granny panties or something.


26. Just like everyone looks at their poop in the toilet, I know everyone picks their nose.


27. P.S. do you ever get mad at a self flushing toilet, when you don't turn around fast enough to look at your poo and it's flushed down???!!!!



28. I get mad when I don't get to see the fruit of my labor. Dr. Oz says you have to evaluate your poo.


29. Why do boys' legs fall asleep on the toilet? It's like the 8th wonder of the world.


30. I sent my mom a picture of my poo recently, because she sent me a picture of gum in her mouth.


31. You may not know but I have a gum phobia, so she deserved a poop shot.


32. Just like boy babies, boy dogs have crappy clothes, so I think I'm going to just dress him up as a girl cus they have the cutest sweaters and stuff!


33. I feel sorry for people who have boys. Isn't that weird? Cus i totally like boys, so someone has to suffer through the trouble of having and raising them. Just dont ever let it be me. If the universe wants to screw me over and give me a kid despite my carefulness, it had better not be a boy.


34. I had to get an echeck for my car and you know how i have that stupid breathalizer on it? Too bad I didnt have to get a real echeck, cus they cant mess with my electronics boyeeeeeee!

35. Thats the only good thing thus far about having a DUI. and in the grand scheme of things, its totally not worth it.

Trouble....

I just ate a block of cream cheese. By myself. With, a knife.

Just cream cheese.

It was light cream cheese. But I think when you eat an entire block of anything, the light part goes out the window.

Shit like this, and eating 6 zero bars in one sitting, and an entire loaf of homeade bread in a day, are the reasons I almost weighed 300 lbs.

I need to get this sorrow under control. Before I gain all that weight back.

Why can't celery comfort me the way cheese, bread, and reeses peanut butter cups do?

In Memory...

She was my first dog all my own. I saw her in the pet store and I had to have her. A small ball of fluff, full of life. Her entire life she suffered illnesses which I now know, are a result of buying her from a store, and subsequently, a puppy mill.

She was my tissue for every heartbreak, starting with my ex husband, and ending with exmanfriend. She muffled my cries when my dad passed away, I lost my house, my job, my car. She never minded being the one to silence my screams and sobs.

She didn't question how I would provide her with medical care, or afford to feed her, she simply trusted me with her big brown eyes, that everything would work out.

She was my crutch, and when I was sad, and lonley, she went everywhere with me. She loved to stick her head out the window, and feel the wind in her face, even when she was going to the vet.

I never felt like I was alone and she never complained when I told her the same story, or asked her why so and so broke my heart. She sat with me quietly, and let me spill my guts. I never slept alone with her, she always kept my feet warm, and hogged the blankets.

Little Hill (named for her parents, Rolling Hills Flory, and Pattyanne's Little Junior) was born April 6, 1996, and died today, December 8th, 2010. She was almost fifteen.

I petted her this morning, knowing that I planned to take her to put her down after work, and asked her to please go on her own. The thought of having to end her life wrenched me. I've had to put two cats down, and it is never easy.

I would say her passing was a blessing. I didn't want to make that choice for her. She didn't die alone, she had little Magoo by her side. And the only good thing I can say is that she looked very peaceful when I found her. Head on a blanket, laying on her side. Her body not in a final act of agony, but as if she had just laid down to go to sleep.

She had lymphoma, and lived several years with it. But recently tumors in her head, and throat made breathing and eating difficult for her, and it finally caught up with her.

The conclusion is, it's never easy to say goodbye to a friend. Whether they die on their own, or you make the decision for them. I feel somewhat relieved as the past few weeks she has been steadily declining, and I felt the impending decision I had to make for her.

She will meet two cat sisters, on the bridge. And I know my Dad will look out for her too.

Goodbye old girl.

Christmas Spirit...

I may have caught a bit of the Christmas spirit this weekend. I spent the weekend with someone super cute, putting up my tree. I havn't had a partner in Christmas crime in years. It's so much more enjoyable with help, flirting, laughing, and someone who has the patience to replace christmas light fuses, vs. just trashing them, as I was perfectly fine to do. Also, if not for my helper, my tree would be on the floor. It had the gangsta lean going on, and we ultimately had to screw it to the wall with wire. Now it's Beyootiful!

I got a text this weekend from the old new guy. You know the one who said it didn't "feel right" to date me, and said our relationship was too sexual. That's why he texted me at 3:30 in the morning. Do you think he realized he messed up and wanted to take me to dinner? What a pig. I didn't respond. I was busy snuggling with someone who doesn't think it feels weird to be with me.

But if he does it again, I will tell him I've moved on, and maybe he should work on finding his good christian baby factory. Cus I'm not her.

And I'm utterly smitten.

Maybe leopards dye their spots...

When I was younger, I was crazy. I can say that now, but if you'd have called me crazy I probably would've clawed your eyes out! Most of it stemmed from my lack of self esteem that was sucked out of me by my ex husband, and then by several subsequent, and equally abusive relationships. I was so out of control, yet I tried to control everything. I even drove myself nuts!

I mean one time, I stabbed the bed just inches from where my ex husband slept. I constantly harassed him any time he was out of my sight. I'd pack all his shit, and drive it to his friends house if he stayed out too long, and throw it on their front lawn. Yea...I was THAT girl alright!

I didn't trust him, but I also had reason not to as he lied to me all the time, did drugs, spent OUR money on drugs and lied about it, while I had to wear shoes with holes in them, and cheated on me numerous times. (which resulted in a child with another girl) I chased him down at strip bars, stole the car from the clubs when he was out all night so hed have to find a ride home, and many times found his drug stash and burned it right in front of him.

Yea, I don't miss that jackoff, but the point is, I was a damned mess.

I was that way for a long time, and I kept meeting more dickwads who treated me like crap. (like attracts like) It wasn't until I stopped to think that hey...I don't even like me, how can anyone else like me..that I understood it was up to me to change who I was. That I even could change who I was. I

I am nothing like the person I was before. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not hot headed, insecure, and jealous. I am mellow, level headed, and confident (most of the time). I am always complimented on my ability to smooth over situations at work, and create a positive productive environment (aka I'm an awesome boss).

I only mention this because if I had not done so much work to change the person that I am, I would never believe that people can change. So I believe in people. I see life through rose colored glasses. I believe in the greater good, and that everyone has a good heart deep down. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances to prove themselves. I like to be positive, and optimistic, and that is just who I am. It took me many years to get here and I don't think anyone can ever take that away from me.

And having these sunshine and lollipop beliefs, sometimes gets me hurt. But the hurt is not nearly as bad as living as a cynical, skeptical, loveless person would be to me.

And that's ok!

I Mean I treat him like a baby, but he's a dog...

That's my Mr. Magoo!
(did I ever say I named him that cus he has a poopie left eye thats smaller than the other and cloudy due to his neglect? cute huh?)

My Mom said, he probably thinks he was rescued from the puppy mill and put into witness protection.

A friend says I'm confusing him

And a special guy friend says he shouldn't be wearing pink because he can't defend himself.



But I say, he looks freaking cute, and it kept him dry in the cold rain. He was a puppy mill stud who lived his life in squallar, listening to his friends be shot, and banging bitches all day. (no, seriously...) So I don't think he really minds being snuggled up on the couch on MY down comforter, hogging MY pillow (did you notice?) wearing a pink jacket.



I had to wear hand-me-down clothes too, so I can understand not having my own special things. It's just unfortunate that his older sibling happens to be a girl. She has good taste!

Better Than Pennies From Heaven...

I believe in the paranormal. Not all of it, I know people make things up, and dr. evidence to make good TV. But I am a member of a ghost hunting society (so what if I havn't gone out on any "hunts" in several years) and I have gone on many overnight trips to find ghosts, including spending the night in the woods to explore Rogue's Hollow, the cells of Mansfield Reformatory, and a haunted mansion. It fascinates me. Nothing really out of the ordinary has ever happened to me. I love scary movies, it doesn't freak me out to watch the Amityville Horror (which this real story is way more interesting than the movies) alone, or poltergeist. I spend weekends watching the haunted marathons.

So I don't overreact to situations that may seem strange. And realize most things do have an explanation. I don't believe in orb photography, because the Dr. in our ghost hunting group did a whole test about orbs vs. dust, and insects.

With that said...

Last night I was cleaning my apartment, jamming out to the new Nicki Minaj CD..Pink Friday (which btw contains some jams!) on the Blackberry via my headphones. I cleaned off my coffee table, dusted, emptied the glass ashtray, cleaned it, set it on the table beside a lit candle. Nothing else was on the table with it.

I sat in my foyer sorting tru a truckton of mail that's been piling for months. Mostly bills. Mostly court and BMV crap. When I heard it. A loud enough to get my attention through my headphones, "TINK". What it sounded like, was one of my damned cats when they knock over a glass of water I have on the table, because their water doesn't taste as delicious.

But I didn't have a glass of water on the table. My next thought was, maybe my candle broke the glass because it got too hot, no hot wax melting all over the table. No cats running away as if they'd just caused a ruckuss. No nothing. I sat perplexed for a minute or so scanning my living room for the source of the noise, but eventually went back to sorting my papers.

When it became time for a smoke break, I sat on the couch, and saw it, right in the middle of the ashtray, was a quarter. Face up. In my clean ashtray......

I picked it up and dropped it from about 12" and that "TINK" was the exact tink I heard while sorting my mail! Where this quarter came from I have no idea. Not that I think my pets could've picked it up and dropped it, but even if they could, where the heck they found it is another story.

This is the first time in all my time searching for the paranormal that I was actually a bit freaked out, because I could not explain how this happened. I set the quarter next to the ashtray and asked if there was more where that came from? (can't hurt to ask, right?) and said if you are a spirit and you are mean you have to leave. I also asked it to happen again. Which it didn't.

It was a 1991 quarter which bears no other signifigance to me other than that is the year my best friend in the world died. I had a dream about her shortly after she died that she got on the school bus and I was so shocked to see her, and I said "I've been looking everywhere for you" and she replied "I've been here all along". I remember that dream almost 20 years later like it just happened.

passively agress this...

This blog, has been successfully "anonymous" for almost 6 years. Sure, through the years you become friendly with the people who you read, and become friends..but rarely do you actually know them in real life. That's the beauty of having a blog.

Strangers don't know your friends, or exes that you talk about. Strangers only know what you allow them to know. What you share, is obviously one sided, and my point of view, this is my place, and that's what it is for.

It's come to my attention that this is no longer the case. All along I've kept a very journal-esque type format here, holding nothing back, saying whats on my mind. The anger I feel over a break up and the rejection I feel and express here, are my choice.

We've all been hurt in our lives. How I choose to deal with hurt is my choice.

Having a blog is a risk, sure, it's public. But to some who be visiting here now, this has been sent to you by one of your friends...a mutual friend.

I didn't create this blog to make 'him' look bad which is how this was presented to you all. I had this for several years before I even met 'him'. And it chronicles way more than just our lives together. The fact that I posted  "the letter"  he left do dump me, is my choice. It's my letter. It was the only explanation I was left with for ending what I felt was a perfectly good relationship. The fact that he shared it with all of you via my blog was his choice, and until then, it was and would've remained anonymous to people we know in real life.

He was a mixed up fellow, our relationship was amazing, and I continue to have a hard time getting over it.

MY PSA for the biggest drinking day of the year....

If I'm being thankful...I suppose I could start with saying, I'm thankful I didn't die, or kill anyone two months ago when I decided to drive after having a few drinks. And got a DUI.

I won't lie and say it was the first time I ever did it. Which I'm sure many people can also relate too. But it is the first time I got caught.

Ah, yes, it all makes sense now, right? This happened the same night I had my purse stolen. And let me attest, that getting arrested in your bridesmaid dress, with no shoes on, is definately not awesome!

It's just not something I was ready to talk about for a while. And other than its wrong, here are some reasons you should not drink and drive. Especially not in a podunk town where its the only thing they have to do and they treat you like dog shit. My biggest gripe is that if I'd been caught in an actual city, they would've still treated me with some sort of respect, and let me get my shoes and purse from my car.

• They tow your car. And if you have ever watched parking wars on A&E they really do make it impossible to get your car back. It took two days and a billion trips between the tow company, police station, and BMV.
  
• You miss a lot of work
• You have to find a ride everywhere
• You lose your lisence. For 6 months.
• You have to have those bright yellow plates on your car, that scream "im a drunk" because many people dont know that you do in fact, get these the first time.
• You have to park 2 miles from work to avoid embaressment
• You get an interlock device on your car, that you have to breathe into all the freaking time. Which you also have the honor of paying a monthly fee for.
• You have an interlock device on your car, that adds time to your coming/going to work, and driving in between because it is annoying and causes you undue stress.
• You have an interlock device on your car, even though you are only permitted to drive to and from work. Because everyone that gets a DUI gets drunk before work, right?
  
• You pay a buttload of fines
• You have to go to court. A LOT.
• You have to pay for every peice of documentation that they make you have
• You have to renew two sets of liscense plates in order not to lose your personalized plates
• You have to go to a 3 day driver intervention program at a stupid rehab center, and receive an alchohol asessment.
  
• You have to go to 3 days in jail directly after 3 days in your intervention program with "non violent criminals" which is still jail, and they will still look in my butthole upon arrival for contraband.
• You have to carry high risk car insurance
• You have to plan any drinking you still want to do. For instance, if I drink at 6:00 on a weekday I cant drink past 9:00 or I run the risk of still blowing a positive BAC test on my interlock and can't go to work the next day. So pretty much, just drink on Friday since you cant drive on the weekend anyway.
• Yes that includes having a measley glass of wine, because I'm paranoid. If you get one fail you automatically lose your liscense for a year.
  
• You learn how to get around in cabs
  
• You have to pay $500 to get your liscense back.
• You pay around $2000 in fines on top of all the other crap you pay for
  
• You pay for your "intervention" program too, which is $350 bucks
• You get to spend your vacation days in jail! And eat free food!
• You learn to say "I can't come to your get together" a whole lot.

What I don't understand is how people become offenders more than once. Lesson learned? Uh, yea. And as my mom likes to point out at least I didn't hurt anyone. Yes...yes. You know buzzed driving is drunk driving! At least in the eyes of the law.

And I might as well share this on the interwebs because my personal account of information is among very few out there. I have had the hardest time finding information. And the laws have changed so drastically since anyone I know has gotten in this sorta trouble.

I mean, clearly, I am investing in a portable breathalyzer, and making everyone test before they drive their cars. One drink is too many, and trust me, no one cares how often, or how much you drink or had to drink, if you fail a breathalyzer.

One thing I did learn, is it is wiser to refuse to take a breath test, and plead no contest in court, because then there is no evidence. And you will lose your liscense 6 months either way.

It was always my understanding you should never refuse the test. You learn these things after the fact. You're welcome.

Recapture...

Friday night I went out with my lady friends, for a couple of cocktails, and then to paint pottery. We took a class on some different techniques and made ornaments. It'll be interesting to see how they turned out, it felt like the lady rushed us the whole time we were there. Not like the class was free or anything. bitch.

Saturday I had an amazingly perfect date. I felt 100% at home. We had Mexican at a place I'd never been, followed by Harry Potter. All mixed together with more laughs than I can ever put into words before, during, and after.

So what if I fell asleep during Harry Potter. I mean, we had margaritas and the movie started at 10:30, so really what would you expect?

Doncha Know I'm Loco...(Not really)

I don't know that I've mentioned how completely and totally at peace I feel in my life after 6 months of constant anxiousness, sleeplessness, and heartache. I'm happy to be out of that spot for sure! And I hope to continue to do so!

On to better things. Like, the Four Loko ban in Ohio. (and other states that I don't live in so therefore could care less about) Can I live my life without this delicious $2 drink? Sure! But that should be my choice. Not the FDA's. Do the ingredients kill people? I have them all the time. I'm sorry people drink too much and died, but I guess then I'm also sorry that the homeless guy at the intersection near home is homeless because he probably drinks too much too. Only I bet its not Four Loko. It's probably something way stronger! Like whiskey.

I am also sad that countless people die in alchohol related deaths, and accidents each year, but that is all a result of people not knowing their limits, making mistakes. People die, but until we are all walking around in bubbles, thats the way this life goes.

You take your own life into your hands every time you step out the door. Birds could poke your eyes out! You could fall down the stairs! A wild dog could attack you! Vampires could stalk you! So, should we have birds' beaks cut off? Pad all the stairs? Kill all the dogs? (not the puppies!) And battle vampires?

My beef with this is mostly that more and more choices are being taken away from us. I'm not really political, but I'm also no dummy. I have to pay an extra tax to tan, because its not good for me. The 1500 warnings posted in the salon didn't tell me that, so I have to pay more ...to drive the point home. It has nothing to do with making anyone richer.

I smoke, so I pay like $5 in taxes per pack of cigarettes, but thats my choice. I know they are dangerous. Kids are going to take the new reformulated Four Loko, and add red bull to it. Probably more than is already in the pre packaged drink, and more will die. And then who's fault is that? Red bull? Or the kids? When do things become a persons responsibility?

Is it the Honda's fault Joe Schmoe lost control and crashed into a family? Or is it a horrible mistake made by Joe?

You know what they are doing these days? Besides buying up all the sudafed, and making ME feel conspicuous when I have to sign for this LEGAL drug at the pharmacy counter, and wonder how many times is too many before I'm flagged as a meth head?

Their huffing fermented poop to get high.

Look for poop to be banned soon. You will all be ordered to stop pooping, because kids could steal your old poop and sniff it until they are in such a poop stupor, that they probably die. When I was a stupid kid, we took cold tablets. I bet if you take enough cold tablets you can die. So everyone should have to suffer with colds, and have them banned? Please.

Too much of anything is bad. I think you learn this the first time you eat a whole package of zero bars in a day. Or a whole gallon of ice cream. Or a whole two liter of coke. Or drink beer, and wine, and vodka, and pucker, and you get so sick first you eat some guy on the streets chili cheese fries in the flats of Cleveland of all places....and then your Mom has to pick you up cus even your own husband abandoned you to wallow in your own puke. What? You havn't done those things?

Running Away Would Be Better For Me...

I woke up at 2 am from a dream that was one that you couldn't wake up from. There was a ton of bunnies, and kittens that were outside, and I decided that I had to rescue them. I started picking them up by the handfuls and running them to my Moms house.

The funny part about this is my mom is totally against anything with fur being in her house, as they shed on her things. She made up beds for them in her own bedroom and told me to put them in there. They were afraid of something, and on my second or third trip, they started following after me.

I was the pied piper of bunnies and kittens.

I'm all about dream analysis so I looked this up. Rescue signifies something you are neglecting in yourself, or you will be esteemed for good deeds. Hopping rabbits mean fertility. And cats an independence.

I don't think I'm neglecting my fertility or independence. And I most positively don't want to be repaid for my good deeds by fertility!

Those bunnies better not be trying to hippity hop their way into my womb cus this lady is yet to make up her mind about that one way or another.

Love Lessons...

I use to date this guy, who was a huge star wars nerd. Well, pretty much he was a nerd in general but he sure loved star wars.



He had all his childhood toys stashed away, and reveled in the ever popular collection of new toys, that never came out of their packages.

"They will be worth money some day" Yes, when they are pried from your cold dead hands! Nerds always say that, but seriously, they never intend to sell them, so why mention it?



As if that wasnt bad enough, he had several rooms dedicated to hanging toys on the wall. He made it an official past time to surf ebay and amazon for new toys. And the amount of glee he got at their arrival, was kind of embaressing.



I moved in with this guy. Knowing this about him. Despite his Star TREK collectible plates perfectly lined up on the wall along his windows in the um..living room. He was the first guy that was nice to me, and a lesson learned is that it takes more than nice to make a relationship work. Attraction helps. A lot. Even if theres a little. How do you have make up sex when the thought of sex with someone disgusts you?



This was my first lesson in not listening to what people say when it comes to love. If you don't feel it you don't feel it! "he'll be good to you" is something I think they said in the 50's. Because if you didn't find a man to be good to you, you'd be selling it on the streets. Did they sell it in the 50's? I duno.



This is the millenium!



I could go on forever about the women to men tolerance ratio being disgustingly uneven....leave your shit all over the house? thats ok! Don't clean the poop tracks out of your toilet? so what! live on eating only meat, and butter? Thats understandable! leave your beard hairs all over the sink? Ok! When do we get married? Drool in your sleep? Adorable!

Have you ever dated a nerd? Or a guy who left poop tracks in the toilet? I've dated both. And then some!

AT&T Phone Home...

I've been without the internet. Oh...pretty much forever. There was a time for like 6 months where I had it. And then my computer died from my undying devotion to limewire, and its disease ridden music. *sigh*

I got that work from home gig w/cha cha right, so I need the internet. I get a laptop from a friend, and have been now trying to get the internet since October.

Did you say trying?

Yes. I said trying.

I went with AT&T because I hate the cable company (time warner) in my area, and if you bundle with Direct Tv which I have adored for the last 7 years, your internet is $14/month for the $45 teir, and $10 off my cable bill so technically my internet is $4 a month.

That's called womens logic...spending money to save money. Gotta love it.

So far, my interaction has gone as such:

10/25 call to set up service. Ask if i can use the modem i already have.

10/25 call tech support go over modem specs, sure, modem will work, just need a new plug

10/27 buy new plug for modem, $27

11/5 My appointment for internet. Get home, no internet. Call tech support. Well its hooked up why doesnt it work? Go thru a billion tests.Wrong modem.

11/5 Buy $75 modem at Best Buy. Call Tech Support. No internet. Oh yea, I see here, that they noted on your account that they needed access to your apartment.

11/5 Why wasn't I informed that they needed access? They couldn't know why, they are simply customer service. Reschedule for 11/10 - with a note to call so I can give them the access they didn't have prior. Oh I see here we rescheduled your appointment, they left you a note. A note? Um, no note. No call. No nothin.

11/10 AT&T never calls. I go home, try net. No net. Call them. Um....why didn't they come out? Oh, it says here they came out and hooked you up. How can they have done that when they came out a week ago and needed access and now they don't? Oh they couldn't tell me why, they are simply customer service.

11/10 we're going to have to reschedule your appointment for friday the 12th. Someone has to test your lines. Oh, cus that couldn't be done when i took off work today and you never showed up? ok.

11/12 leave work at 3:30 to make my 4-8 window. Get an ELECTRONIC PHONE CALL at 7:30 that they were unable to make my appointment. They would have to come tomorrow 8-5. Tomorrow meaning, Saturday.

11/13 stay home on a Saturday that I had things to do, and never got a service call, or a courtesy call that they were not coming.

11/14 8am AT&T starts calling. After I had been out drinking four lokos and pudding shots the night before. Besides isn't today sunday? Didn't you say Saturday? Yes, I thought so!

11/14 AT&T shows up at my house, and decides that my phone jacks were disconnected during the remodel of my duplex.

11/15 Me, still no internet. Have to call landlords.

I would think most other internet providers would've not taken 3 weeks to figure out my jack wasn 't working.

Sports...meh...

I'm not sure how other places work, but growing up in Ohio, it always seemed like our sports teams were the suck. Except for Ohio State, who from what I hear never seems to disappoint.

I havn't been to a Cav's game since the whole lebron phenominon. Prior to Lebron, you could find tickets to a game laying in the streets. No one went. I dated a guy who had season tickets, and we were there with like 20 other people. Seriously.

(Right around the time the Cavaliers underwent their makeover. From orange and blue to wine and gold)

It was a lot of fun to go this time, post lebron (cus even though I dont like sports i really didnt like him) to see that all the seats were filled, and the game was close right up until the very last second, and everyone stayed to support the team.

I may have had alterior motives for cheering them on (a free chalupa if they hit 100 points, or if the other team doesnt score 80) but after they surpassed my free food expectations, I still wanted the team to win.

Despite my hatred for sports, and especially squeaky basketball sneakers, I had a good time! Even though we still had to pay $10 to park, AND THEN walk 2 miles. (my biggest Cleveland complaint besides traffic, is their ridiculous parking prices! I'm from the little city down South, we don't roll that way. We have things like.. free parking. Or Parking for a dollar! And free concerts every week! And mostly our homeless hang out around the shelter, and don't venture too far to hassel you at every turn)

Fun, that is..until my brother texted me that my being at the game made their winning streak stop.

We're a really loving family. Can you tell?

Life and Chocolate...

So much has been going on!

I got a new phone.

I still don't have the internet at home, AT&T sucks at service.

I bought new jeans.

I'm having a secret love affair.

Oh, and I got our company suite for tonights Cav's game. Boo ya!

Maybe this isn't alot for you, but it's pretty overwhelming to me!

Just a Dream...

I can't get enough of this new Nelly song. I think its my official song. Too bad I don't get the official paycheck from said song sales. Or better yet, number of times its played, because I alone, would pay my annual salary in song playage. Love.

I got two whole hours of sleep last night. I might have to break down and take my sleeping prescription.

Maybe being in a trazadone fog is better than not sleeping. I can feel sick coming on from it.

Wait, wasn't I just sick for 8 weeks? Yes. Yes, I was, and it was awesome!

I'm covering the windows this weekend w/plastic. I know you wish you were me. I really...really miss having a man around sometimes. Yes, I can do it. Yes, I ALWAYS do it..but I would just rather hold the scissors and tape, and tell him he looks cute or something. Manual labor equals the suckage!

Speaking of single, I feel like everyones token single girl. Like everyone wants to hook me up with every single person they know. Like I'm the last single girl on earth. Like I'm some oddity people just have to see...it makes me feel used. Sorta. I'm 100% uninterested in anyone right now. I'm on hiatus! officially. When the universe is ready to send me love it will. I keep telling folks I'm not ready.

Like, moving on with someone else just makes it all go away. I think I proved that theory wrong already. It's still here.

Cheap isn't a bad thing...

I just ordered a blackberry 8530. In purple. I know that by now everyone in the world has one, but I am a) cheap, and waited until it was FREE, and b) always the last to get everything.

I mean, I don't even have the internet, or a computer. Well, I do sort of now, I'm borrowing a friends laptop, and JUST got the internet.

Speaking of cheap - it was 28 degrees last night and guess who wont turn her gas heat on? Me. I have a space heater, and me and the furkids all hunkered down in the bedroom at a comfortable 65 degrees.

I also turn my gas hot water tank to "vacation" until 1/2 hour before doing dishes, or taking a shower. And 99% of the time I don't shower at home, because I work out at the work gym and shower there. I cover my windows w/plastic, and when I do turn the heat on its only to 50, and I use space heaters wherever I am at the time. And I rarely use the gas stove. I also signed up with a cheaper gas supplier the last two years.

And I prefer a $5 jug of carlo rossi over a $25 bottle of wine.

I'm so freaking efficient, it's a damn shame I'm single.

Don't you wonder what my gas bill must be in the winter? My highest bill was $60. (In the summer its $8-$10) My highest electric you ask? Also $60.

I do all this so I can afford $20 shampoos, and $50 moisterizers. Don't let me fool you.

You Know You Want Me..

I went to the annual Halloween party, the one we usually grace with our presence. Its a bonfire/garage party with a DJ and smoke and lights, and lots of dancing. And, probably lots of drinking too. Last year exasshole manfriend went with me. I thought I'd be sad about it, but instead I dressed up as a pink haired witch and drank vodka.

Nothing helps a broken heart like pink hair and vodka. Oh, and friends. And a real drunk friend to occupy your time.

All at once it seems one of my girlfriends spiraled out of control. I went to the bathroom, and when I got back my friends told me my she was humping a guy by the fire. I'd have never let that happen, so then it was my job to babysit.

Next, she was inside singing pants on the ground...with her pants on the ground. In her panties. So I had to make her pull them up, as funny as she thought it was. First I took a picture to show her the next day. Like you wouldn't?

Then, I had to casually dance saved her from her vodka goggles as she was grinding on the dance floor with someone ginormous, and it wasn't the costume, who probably thought he was getting super lucky that night.

All at once, she was outside puking. Game over. Like a good friend I sat in the back of the car and let her put her head on my lap. And had a plastic bag and told her a billion times the classic Garth line "if you're gonna spew...spew into this". Then it felt warm on my lap. She puked all over my witchy costume. Actually..it was Mommas witchy costume. Sorry Momma.

We were dropped at my moms house since it was close to the party where I had to take off her pants so she could pee, and she peed all over me in the meantime. Like, really. And I pulled back her barfy hair, gave her a puke bucket, and got her to bed.

This is reasons 455,459,987 and 455,459,988 I don't want kids. One, they make you drink to stupidity (cus she has two kids) and they ruin your nice chocolate and whipped cream vodka buzz. I was feelin pretty good til I had to sober up and take care of my drunk friend.

Do you ever see boys help each other? Usually they laugh and let each other pass out in the yard, and draw permanent marker penises on their heads. I'm glad I'm a girl, and I have good friends!

I like to Rumba...

And, ChaCha!

I took on a new work from home job, as, I have said I'm going thru some stuff, so I have plenty of time on my hands. I'm not goin anywhere for a while, so instead of a snickers, I grabbed another gig!

If you think you may be interested in working from home, with no committment to how many hours, or when you work, for 100% free, look into being a ChaCha Guide.

It's super fun, and really interesting. It's similar to google sms (if you've ever used that) for ChaCha you text your question to 242242. The questions are always entertaining!

If you sign up, use me as a referral pleeeeease! monlink@yahoo.com

Happy ChaCha-ing!!

Setting a good example...

I work for a ginormous company, that is the corporate headquarters for lots and lots and lots of retail stores.I get to work today and we have two emails. All of home office systems are down. So you know, customers can't call to ask about their credit, or complain. When people can't complain they get pissed off. They start going up the chain of command and guess who works at the top with the vice presidents?

They turned off the phone number to customer service. Gone. You don't think people will find a way around that?

And I don't like customers. I did my time working with the public at Taco Bell for four years. You want to talk about time served. That's time served times 10 because they are 99% drunk, high, or both, plus I worked in the ghetto for most of that time. People stole our toilet tank cover almost every day.

No computer systems. How do you run a business w/no systems?

This reminds me of those late nights at the bell when I'd be the only one working (yes, we always had to CUT HOURS as shift managers) and I would be so slammed w/drive thru drunks, I never had a second to drop meat. So, I'd periodically run out of chicken, or beef.

Try telling a drunk person you don't have chicken or beef at Taco Bell.

Those are the days that I'd turn the lights off, and pretend to be closed. If you ever drove up on South Arlington Street Taco Bell and it was closed when it shouldn't have been after 2 am....I was probably managing that night.

P.S. This girl also scored Cav's tix in the company suite in two weeks!

Wounded...

You know that crappy saying people think helps you get over someone when your heart is wrenched out of your chest? "Time heals all wounds". What. Ever. Time doesn't heal anything. Not even a yeast infection.

I don't put much stock into religion, in that I understand that if I sit around and wait for life to change for me, it sure as shit is not going to change. I am the one who has to change it. I don't believe there is a god that swoops down into your life and fixes all your problems, just because you ask it to. You do.

I'm not for certain what I believe. But after seeing exnewguys post on his facebook about god working in his life.....it put a bad taste in my mouth. That is exactly why I am so turned off by organized religion. Hippocrites. He acted as though he was so godly, and then he lives a completely different way. I'm sure its a real christian thing to do, to solicit your ex for sex, right?

I prefer to govern myself, and be responsible for my own actions, and not count on any outside sources to make me a better person. I am better because I work at it.

Time doesn't heal your wounds. And neither does god. You do.

And I suppose you don't do it by pretending they aren't there for 5 months, or drinking them away, or asking someone else to handle them for you.

You do it by facing them. And feeling them. And telling yourself that he wasn't the love of your life, because how sad would it be to imagine a lifetime of never feeling that again.

And crying when you need to. And writing endless pages about how much you hurt in your journals (now this is always fun to look back on...like how many times can I write the same thing!) And remembering how he wanted to end a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason.

I need to get rid of my material posessions that remind me of him. But I'm not there yet. I want to burn them at the stake while I dance around (not naked, I live in the city) and tell them to burn in hell. If only that would make me feel better. Well it might. A little.

I miss him. I miss so much about him, but more and more, I kinda miss me more, without missing him less. I honestly know the only person this hurts is me. I carried a painful divorce for 10 years while he got remarried.

I really miss sleep, and most of all I miss my peace of mind. And I miss my rationality 5 months ago when I thought it was a good idea to not think about dealing with the pain of this break up for more than a couple of weeks.

Hoebag Isn't on my Forehead...is it?

I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 on Friday. Which was awesome, because it ties the first one into it, and you find out why the first girl is haunted, and its actually pretty messed up!

After having a fun night with my friends, I get out of the movie, and I had gotten a text around midnight from exnewguy. Midnight texts from an ex. You know what that means.

He wanted to get together one last time for "fun". Seriously. This is the same guy who decided our relationship was too sexual and bailed. Talk about being screwed up in the head. As if this doesn't scream....."I don't respect you enough to date you, but screwing you is just fine." Or, "I just might be afraid to commit to anything but sex"

As much as I may have wanted to hook up, I decided that nothing would change in my life if I didn't change it. If I wanted to be respected, I had to do the respectable thing, and make him feel like total dog shit. I told him that while it did sound fun I actually had feelings for him, and doing something like that isn't so easy for me as it once may have been.

Of course, he persisted for some time, and eventually gave up. Then the next day sent me an apology saying he was out of line, and had been drinking.

Yea, I'd say so.

Obviously, this is just another frog in the pond of life. I think eventually there has to be a good one. I believe I found it before. I know I will again.

New Meaning To the Term Ass to Mouth..

I love a good scary movie. I watch them alone. I watch them with the lights out. I can sleep fine afterwards. 99% of my DVD collection is all horror. The Others, Stir of Echos, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (old and new). I really havn't met one I don't like. I like em cheesy, I like em gory, I like em psychological...I like them all!

I own all the classic box sets, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street.

But once in a while, one just doesn't sit right with me. I can count on one hand the movies that have done this:

1) The Hills Have Eyes remake#1 they make you love that family and what happens to them is horrific. The mutant nursing? WRONG!

2) The Strangers the part that replays in my mind is the end after being terrorized for hours.. when Liv Tyler asks "why are you doing this?" and the creepy girl says "because you were home" aaaaaaaack!

3) Event Horizon which isn't the least bit scary, but for that one scene when the ship plays the video from "hell". Yea I kinda played that over in my mind a lot.

4) Rosemary's Baby mostly because I saw this as a kid, and when she is raped by the devil, it just creeped me out!

Now...the Human Centipede can be added to the list. Was it scary? Not to me. Was it creepy, yes, a little bit. Was it disturbing? Oh... hell yes! The whole time you are watching this wondering...what the fuck would I do? I can tell you one thing, it would probably involve my slitting my throat or something, because I could not live my life that way!

View Trailer Here

The Lloyd Dobbler Effect...

So, I'm going along, minding my business. Getting use to the idea that I'll likely be alone until my cats eat my eyeballs out. *Or, the mice overtake my house. I still pine for exassholemanfriend, and it pretty much annoys me, because it's not getting me anywhere. Wishing him back wont make him come back. And why should I wish for someone who obviously doesn't want me?


*(Yes..I have mice again. I've caught two...me two, my four cats...ZERO! They are lucky that they are cute fluffernutters! At least they do that job right.)



And I get a message from exnewguy. Just friendly chit chat. Why? He was overly concerned that we were "OK" after the dumping. I was assuming, just because we have many friends in common. I told him sure, I know we'll run into each other again one day. It's not like we were IN LOVE or anything, so whatever. Yes it hurts and I don't look forward to one day seeing him w/someone else...



But don't boys understand that it's not easy to hear from you once you dump us? Like, don't rip out my heart, and send me a message all about regretting it. Because what does that do? It makes me hurt for what we had all over again. If you wanted to do the right thing, you would get your shit together, and stand outside my window blasting "in your eyes" by peter gabriel on your retro boom box just like Lloyd Dobbler. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen" That sums it up.








Yes, that is definatly a signal, that you cannot mix. Especially since I live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm sure they'd love hearing it just as much as me. I think that like Cinderella ruined most girls, Say Anything ruined me.

Where is my prince charming with a boom box? Oh, I can believe it will happen one day. Because it gives me hope. Instead of a white horse, it'll be a beat up blue hoop-t!

Oh heck no. After friending Lloyd on FB...I was turned on to this video on youtube.

If theres one thing I'm good at, it's getting dumped!..

Yes, yes. I got dumped again. I really am starting to get a complex. Sort of. I mean, honestly, I cried a little bit about it, but mostly, my heart wasn't in it anyway. And he was looking for a reason to stay with me and I couldn't really give him one.

What happened this time. Well "it's not you its me" would probably fit here. The guys been single for like 5 years and he just wasn't ready. When he mentioned that he didn't feel "100%" that things would work out w/us, asked what I thought...and I said "I just spent the last three years with a guy who wasn't sure he was ready, and we had a good relationship, we were in love...I can't do it again".

Furthermore, new guy said we had too much sex. Um. firstively, this isn't the first time I've heard this from a man, but it never ceases to shock the shit out of me. Secondly, I really don't remember having to force myself on him thankyouverymuch.

He admitted, nothing may ever feel 100% to him, and thats on him, I'm an awesome girl and he likes hanging out with me and we have a lot of fun, blah. bliddy blah blah.

When you give up the universe will bring you love, right? I dunno, but I give up. Not on finding love, but that love will find me, and I'm not going out of my way to find it.

What's Normal...

I duno who gets to decide normal. But Oprah had a show all about it. Like it's normal to pick your nose 5 times a day, because so many people do it. Is normal what most people do? What if all those nose pickers are retarded? Are they still normal? I mean, who decides these things?

I think its us. We are our own survey of normal.

I'm trying to determine when I make the turn from...

"I'm just feeling my feelings"

to....

"maybe I'm pathetic"

Of course, this stems from a miriad of things. Much which I havn't blogged about, but I'm goin thru some giant crap other than man/relationship things, and spending a lot of time on my own as a result.

Alone gives you time to think. Unless you drink your thoughts away, but I think my liver says that's not normal, and the first three months of me and exassholemanfriend's break up is proof of that.

Things I've tried:

1. Crying. Lots.
2. Sobbing and crying. Lots.
3. Turning sadness into anger. Replacing I miss him, or I love him with I hate him, and he's dead to me.
4. Drinking wine.
5. Revenge ie; keeping things he left at my house that he asked for back but doesn't deserve.
6. Drinking vodka
7. Revenge ie; maybe someone took his grill from his house, that I know nothing about.
8. Drinking a 6 pack of beer as shots. which is awesome
9. Thinking he died
10. Imagining feeding him poop. I think of this alot. And really, its the only thought which brings me joy when it comes to him
11. Crying
12. Dating someone else
13. Drinking. Lots. Until I pass out. this works for a while but you get tired of hangovers, it costs a bundle, and eventually, you gotta be drunk all day to not think, and luckily I'm gainfully employed.
14. Ignoring that I have feelings
15. Positive thought...."I use to turn the right blinker on to turn right when exasshole manfriend was in the car" *sob* into..."someone else will appreciate the way I signal my intent to turn"
16. Giving up everything "we" did together. Besides sex. Because, I'm not stupid.
17. Revenge ie; wiping your butt with the boxers you gave back to him.

Honestly, I have no clue what else to do. I've never been in this predicament. I've had plenty to hate about my old boyfriends. Plenty to look forward to, because let's face it they were all losers.

But I guess if after 5 months I'm finally starting to question if my missing him is bordering on being a little obsessive, maybe it is.

Maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad.

My Happy...

I think everyone should have a pet. Not just because they are fantastical in so many ways, but because they kinda give a single girl purpose.

I can't sleep my life away and be depressed, unless I want poo and pee all over my floors. I gotta get up and take the dogs out.





When your cat jumps up and lays next to you and starts purring when you pet her, it makes you feel needed. Not just for the food and shelter, but for the love you provide.


They make good kleenex for tears, and they never ask if you are "still crying over that jerk who hurt you". They just offer their love and support in a silent way.

And when you don't have kids to raise, or a man to really call your own..it makes you feel good when your "little family" is happy. When they all play nice, and learn new things. When they follow you around ever interested in what you are doing.

Today I'm thankful for that.

I might not even care if I become a crazy cat lady. It just may come to that!

My g g generation...

I use to be annoyed by old people. But latley I have a new appreciation for them. Mainly because they make me believe men still care about taking care of women.

No, don't pay my bills, or wipe my mouth, or tell me what TV I can or can't watch or what to wear. Rather, hold my hand on the inside of the road not the outside, so if I fall off the sidewalk I'm not hit by a car. Help me over ditches, open jars and bottles for me, and offer to change a tire, carry something heavy, or kiss me on the forehead.

I find nothing more attractive than being treated like a lady.

A couple weeks ago I'm in the grocery line and an old man in front of me started unloading my cart for me. I thanked him profusely. How sweet was that?

And Saturday, an old man with a cane at the circle K said "well helllllloooo beautiful, your man must sure be proud of you" I simply said "thank you sir".

Guys my age would never pay you a public compliment without trying to be skeevy, it would probably include something about "tapping that ass" too. And they certainly wouldn't unpack your grocery cart, just to be nice, they'd expect your number or something and when you refuse, they'd call you a stuck up bitch.

Sometimes I wish I were part of another generation. Mine kinda makes me sick. I hate to hear about the abuse, the neglect, the general disrespect men seem to have for women.

I just want to be loved the way that I love. Fully and unconditionally.

The wonderful wizard of oz....

I wish you really could make people walk a mile in your shoes. And feel your feelings, and live your life.

It seems I'm met with a lack empathy, and compassion. Too often people relate their own experiences to what you are dealing with, and often those are bad ones. Well this is what happened to me, so thats what will happen to you.....

Everyone is different. We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions. And while it is nice to get advice when you ask for it, sometimes, you just want to be heard. You want someone to say, "I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry....." You don't need the extra garbage that goes along with it. You know, the "get over it-s" and the "you're better than him-s". I don't blame myself a tall for the demise of the relationship I can't get past.

Usually by now, I am able to see my fault in what went wrong. But that's just it....nothing went wrong with it.

I've been dying on the inside every day for the last 5 months. And its time to start dealing with it, vs. stuffing it away, and turning it into hate.

Close your eyes, and imagine your perfect match. From the first communication, to the first time you meet, a spark and connection that you've never had. That you didn't know existed.

Imagine enjoying every second you are with that person, and loving the feeling of closeness you have when you are together. A warm feeling when you think about them. Imagine laughter, silliness, and a caring that you've never experienced before. Think about how you can't stand to be apart, and love to hold hands, and snuggle up together. Feel the butterflies in your stomach you still get at the thought of him after almost three years.

Imagine having everything you ever wanted, and not wanting to change one single thing about a person. Not a thing. Think about being able to accept every habit, and quirk they have....Then, imagine that person feels exactly the same way, and people actually envy what you have. YOU!?

Then..imagine it ends because that person is scared. Not because of anything wrong with your seemingly perfect relationship, or the fact that you cant get along, or the love has died... but because they are scared.

Now, try to get past that and move on. When everything is a disappointment, because its not him. Try to forget how it felt when he held you, and try to forget that the one person you fell so hard for, is no longer in your life. For no real reason.

Time. Yes. I've heard it all before. I'm 34, I've had my heart broken countless times, suffered depression during my divorce so bad, I had to be coached for several weeks into how to take a bath and wash my hair, because I simply didn't want to exist anymore.

So, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been on this ride many times, and survived. But its the hardest one. And I wish I knew when the ride will end.

Crash course in Mommy Dearest...

Being a supervisor is mostly like being a Mom minus the horrid memories (I'd imagine) of child birth.

This week I had this conversation:

"I stood up and saw so and so emailing so and so about me being on the rampage with my pregnancy hormones. So I asked her if she had a problem with me, and she had nothing to say. I know she doesnt' know I know she was emailing so and so about me, but I know. Me being the way I am has nothing to do with pregnancy. If I were some people, I'd be offended, and have this taken to HR"

Seriously people. This turned into an hour and a half meeting. And I had to take it seriously.

Do I manage teenagers you ask? Oh no, we're all in our 30's.

In other news, I'm on 3 more weeks of antibiotics, nasal spray and claritin. I have fluid in my ear. Doesn't look like I'll be hearing for some time now.

I have a date with new guy this weekend, and I'm super excited about it.

If I were in charge, life would be fair...

Recently I was talking with a girlfriend about our current and past relationships. We both had a 7 year run, mine ended in divorce, hers a break up. Both were over 10 years ago, and neither were the greatest of matches.

She asked if I ever thought fondly of the ex husband, or missed what we had. We were high school "sweethearts" (puke) and had all of our firsts together, and for a while, I thought I'd never get past that, and move on. Even 8 years later when he remarried, and I'm still hopelessly flailing around the dating pool, it hurt me.

But as I've said before, running into him and his not remembering all the shitty things he did, reminded me that only I can hold myself back. And only I have control over how I feel about anyone at any time.

But if I'm being honest...I still miss that exassholemanfriend of mine. In my 34 years I was never that in love with anyone.

The only thing I can do is remember how he dumped me because he was afraid to move forward like a coward....on facebook no less. Moved his shit out while I was at work. And left me a letter.

So...almost as quickly, I imagine covering cat poop in chocolate, nestling it into pretty paper cups, and shrink wrapping it in a whitmans sampler box...and sending it to him. I imagine with delight, the look on his face when he bites into a chocolate covered cat poop.

Hopeful...

I'm on day 9 of having partial hearing. I've been sick 15 days. I went to urgent care a week ago with a horrid ear infection following the worst pain I've ever felt..which turns out was a ruptured ear drum due to a sinus infection/strep throat.

I still can't hear out of my left ear and the extreme annoyance, and lonliness at work because its so quiet can't be described. I'm on medicine, but it just takes time. And a follow up appointment in 4 days with my regular Dr.

I feel fine now, aside from occasional sharp pricks in my ear, and being hella tired, I "feel" great.

This weekend I had my first four wheeler ride! I may be sheltered, but after a talk w/new guy about the state of our "relationship" we decided we don't see each other enough. (duh) And he'd been too busy wondering whether or not I was "the one" rather than enjoying our time together and seeing where it lead.

And boys say GIRLS are confusing. He's really hung up on the kids thing, which I said I'm not like most girls, who would have a baby at any cost....I want the whole shabang, the love, the husband, happy marriage, laughter, respect, the house, and THEN the kid. I don't want any one without any other.

I have been with guys I thought about having a baby with. Well two. My ex husband, and that asshole exmanfriend of mine. I don't think I'll feel incomplete without having one. But for me, its an extension of my love for someone..not something I feel the need to do to validate being a woman.

It was an awesome talk, which was followed up by him asking me to spend the day with him on Saturday. He took me on his four wheeler, which I thought would scare the crap out of me, but I ended up having so much fun! We went fast, and I got muddy, and subsequently, some bruises.

Then we spent the day with a couple that he's friends with, he made his deelish homeade mac and cheese, and we played cards.

Which by the way...we won. Not only do I have a uechre partner again (I've missed playing so much!) but we're a pretty good team!

Apology...accepted?...

What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.

Wedded Bliss..

The rehearsal, and wedding were just perfect. Topped off by spending it with the cute boy I like, who was also in the wedding. Dancing, laughing, talking. Hearing everyone say how cute we are "together" (to which I'd reply...we aren't technically "together") And my friends that were there that hadn't spent much time with him, decided they just loved him, and his infectious smile, and fun personality. Even my MOM likes him and she's the pickiest person I know.

I kinda like those things too.

Too bad he is afraid of committment. This situation is screaming with undertones of the exassholemanfriend, and his fear of letting the past go. I mean, we talk all the time about how much we like each other, how much fun we have together...but the bottom line is, he always tells me he is afraid. We talk about how we want to be exclusive, but really the only thing different than what we have now, and being a "booty call" is we spend more time together before, and after.

I'm not a part of his life. He thinks about me when we aren't together, but we aren't together an awful lot.

How long does one wait around for a scared person? Last one I waited three years for, only to be dumped mid-move in! And new guy is all about starting a family, but we're not getting any younger, and he's not getting any less afraid.

Aside from all the fun I had over the weekend it was unfortunatly overshadowed by a really shitty turn of events, where the least of my worries was that my purse was stolen practically out from under my nose at a bar. New guy ran after the douche and luckily was coming back with my purse by the time I got to the door.

The cops were waiting on him outside, apparently he had been trying this on other people at a bar next door.

All I can say is that I know everything happens for a reason, and I'll get through the BS I am dealing with and live to enjoy another day. I can't change the events, I can only accept them, and move on with my life!

Misery...

Here I sit a day before being stuffed into a very fitted bridesmaid dress (after having it sized down 5 sizes. I didn't lose that much weight, they ordered it that big cus their awesome) with some sort of fake and bake sun induced rash all over my mid section.

It's spread to part of my neck, which I've satisfied not itching, by itching the rest of my body.

I suspect large amounts of vodka will make it all tolerable at the wedding.

Old...

While discussing favorite scarey movies at work:

Me: I really like the scream trilogy

Coworker: What's that about?

Me: What? You havn't seen it?

Coworker: When did it come out?

Me: 1996

Coworker: I was nine

Me: I was married

Weight a minute...

Happiness is...dreading going to the Dr. because you know they will make you step on the stupid scale, and finding out you GREW.

I grew a quarter inch! I have always been 5'4.5" and now I'm 5' 4.75"!!! And I didn't have to get those leg extenders like in Gattica. Maybe I'll make 5' 5".

I guess growing is as awesome same as losing weight. I guess!

When the Dr. came in, the first thing she said to me is "You maintained your weight an entire year!!! Hardly anyone does that, usually they gain some or all of it back!" So, I guess that made me feel good about not dropping another pound since my last visit.

She suggested what everyone does. Weight training. Reluctantly, I started this up again a few weeks ago. I just hate it. It hurts. I also started doing more eliptical than running. I'm ready to lose the last 30lbs once and for all. I am in very good shape, I just have more weight to lose. I have great endurance, and strength, and you would probably never guess it from looking at me.

Gawd! I'm sick of it!

Who's that knocking on my door?...

Saturday night, I was having a glass (or two) of wine, and watching some of my 25 episodes of "Who's the Boss", when there was a knock at my door. It was midnight. I live in the city. With crackheads. And ladies who wear duct tape on their mouths. And, um, shady characters. I looked out my side window and no one was in my driveway, I had been texting with new guy, but he wouldn't just show up. Plus, he'd park in the drive. No car.

Knocking again...

I left my front blinds open so clearly whoever was knocking, saw me sitting there ignoring them..drinking and smoking when they came up on my porch.

More knocking...

I snuck out of my own living room and upstairs to see if I could determine who it was from the bedroom. I didn't see a thing. I went back downstairs. I watch too many horror movies so by this time, I'm pretty scared.

Knock knock...of course, no dog barking from my attack dogs!

You would think, that at midnight, at someones house you obviously don't know, if they aren't going to answer after the first time, maybe you should just give up?

Knock knock...I had to look up the police number on google, because who has a phone book anymore? This took forever!

And by the time I found it, they had left. And I fell asleep (passed out) on the couch. The next afternoon, when I left to go tanning I noticed my sunroof was open. And my car windows were down. It had rained. My car was flooded.

I thought, what if it were just a concerned neighbor telling me I left my car open in the rain? I'm such an ass. Clearly a crackhead could've taken the valuables (CD's or cigarettes) out of my car as it was wide open.

But a single girl can never be too careful. I never open the door even in daylight, if I don't know you!

*Thats a pic of my little rescue, gooder (Magoo) desperatly waiting for me to wake up and play with him which is his new most favorite thing to do. Both wake me up at the butt crack of dawn, and playing.

Which you can watch a clip of here. I may or may not have been on the toilet for that. Don't judge.

Heres another one.

It's taken him 5 months to play!

And Just Like That...

I'm done with my new job. When they called me they said it was for a specific project my guess was, this was to let me know what the job payed. Mind you its been about two years since I worked there, and I didn't remember. I also didn't think to ask, because I'd always made between 10-19 an hour averaged out.

I spent my first night working, typing my fingers off, almost up to my full capacity of typing speed, and I made 9 bucks in 4 hours.

This is fabulous for someone else, but not for me after working 9 hours.

It's hardly worth my time.

So, I'm cashing in my stock savings plan at work next month. I'll also get an extra 80 a month in my check as my employee account will be paid off. (no more buying jewelery boo hoo) And my friends uncle will fix my car for cost.

Maybe the second job came along to remind me how lucky I am to not HAVE to work it, and to be more thankful, and SAVE money.

I got home from working two jobs, to the lady across the street who I call "duct tape lady" cus...she wears duct tape on her mouth, obviously, begging passers by for money or cigarettes.

I also had an offer from the new guy to massage my fingers for me. He can be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll keep him.

Maybe jobs aren't like exes....

I don't know that I really have been up to anything exciting. Other than the bachelorette party for the wedding I'm in come September 18th. And, you know those are top secret. We had a lot of laughs, lots of drinks, tons of dancing, and ended the night at my new favorite place, the gay bar near my house.

The gay bar is awesome cus its swanky, they play awesome music, and you can dance with anyone on the dance floor and not get dirty looks, or drinks spilled on you. It's like a happy family. If I didn't love boys so much, I'd be gay too.

What else is super awesome in my life is that my a/c compressor is going in my stratus. While you may say good thing its winter, unfortunatly the belt that spins on that part also runs my power steering so even though a friends uncle disconnected the compressor, it still "free spins" and makes noise, and eventually it will seize up and I'll lose power steering.

This means I have to fix it. This also means, that starting tomorrow I'm working my old second job again. I'm hoping that going back to old jobs isn't bad like a stupid ex boyfriend.

pause for disgust.....

What's different this time, is I don't need the job to survive, so quitting will be much easier. I'm only working 12 hours a week vs. 30. Three days vs. five, and I'm hoping to only do it for two months. They actually called me out of the blue last week to see if I'd come back as a temp for a project. So, I took it as a sign.

Until I learn how to grow money on trees, I gotta do what I gotta do!