"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, October 11, 2010

The wonderful wizard of oz....

I wish you really could make people walk a mile in your shoes. And feel your feelings, and live your life.

It seems I'm met with a lack empathy, and compassion. Too often people relate their own experiences to what you are dealing with, and often those are bad ones. Well this is what happened to me, so thats what will happen to you.....

Everyone is different. We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions. And while it is nice to get advice when you ask for it, sometimes, you just want to be heard. You want someone to say, "I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry....." You don't need the extra garbage that goes along with it. You know, the "get over it-s" and the "you're better than him-s". I don't blame myself a tall for the demise of the relationship I can't get past.

Usually by now, I am able to see my fault in what went wrong. But that's just it....nothing went wrong with it.

I've been dying on the inside every day for the last 5 months. And its time to start dealing with it, vs. stuffing it away, and turning it into hate.

Close your eyes, and imagine your perfect match. From the first communication, to the first time you meet, a spark and connection that you've never had. That you didn't know existed.

Imagine enjoying every second you are with that person, and loving the feeling of closeness you have when you are together. A warm feeling when you think about them. Imagine laughter, silliness, and a caring that you've never experienced before. Think about how you can't stand to be apart, and love to hold hands, and snuggle up together. Feel the butterflies in your stomach you still get at the thought of him after almost three years.

Imagine having everything you ever wanted, and not wanting to change one single thing about a person. Not a thing. Think about being able to accept every habit, and quirk they have....Then, imagine that person feels exactly the same way, and people actually envy what you have. YOU!?

Then..imagine it ends because that person is scared. Not because of anything wrong with your seemingly perfect relationship, or the fact that you cant get along, or the love has died... but because they are scared.

Now, try to get past that and move on. When everything is a disappointment, because its not him. Try to forget how it felt when he held you, and try to forget that the one person you fell so hard for, is no longer in your life. For no real reason.

Time. Yes. I've heard it all before. I'm 34, I've had my heart broken countless times, suffered depression during my divorce so bad, I had to be coached for several weeks into how to take a bath and wash my hair, because I simply didn't want to exist anymore.

So, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been on this ride many times, and survived. But its the hardest one. And I wish I knew when the ride will end.


Carolyn G said...

I wish I had words to make you feel better. But everyone is different and it takes time to grieve and heal. All I can offer is virtual hugs ((((((hugs))))).

MzAriez said...

Much love to you. My bestie and I call them war wounds. Never pretty and always painful. Guess that is why we love a good girls night out. Maybe it would do us all good!

MzAriez said...

BTW, left a message for you at your myspace.

Fizzgig said...

thanks. if it were only that easy ya know!

i didnt know i still had a myspace ill have to try to navigate my way back there! ive been on fb for a while and i abandoned ship lol