No such thing as TMI...

I attended a friends wedding this weekend. It was at a private, intimate location. Mind you it was New Years Day, and I had been up til 5 am the previous night. Because, well it was NYE!

So..my morning poo at the FH (we're calling him this for future husband , cus, its good to have dreams) house was green. Now, I try to pretend I don't fart, poop, or burp but this time I had to tell someone I had green poo.

After much discussion about my green poo we decided that it was from the Grape Four Loko I had before going out to the NYE festivities. Phew. I'm not dying of stomach rot or anything.

I also had lots of vodka and seltzers. And...food I had sworn off for weeks prior so I could fit into my jeans. Buffalo dip, potatos, sour cream. I even ate a ham meatball on accident, so my body was probably rejecting the pig. (it was good, ok?)

Cut to the next day, hungover, rushing to get to this wedding over an hour away, in like, an hour, with the craps. We make it on time, the ceremony is over, I make my way to the toilet. And, do my green business. But when I try to flush the toilet. It doesn't flush.

At first I think, I'll just leave it, but then what if someone's outside waiting to go, and they KNOW I'm the green non flushing pooper? I keep fiddling with the handle and nothings happening. So I take the back of the toilet off, its not filling up with water!!!!! I was trapped. I panicked! I saw dixie cups and I started filling up the back of this toilet....

One...dixie...cup...at....a...time.

Which I think is about comparable to filling up the bath tub with an 8oz glass of water. In other words, slower than molasses! When I finally succeeded, I pulled the rubber plunger up and flushed the toilet that way. (My dad was a plumber so thank the stars I at least knew that...) When I finally emerged, FH asked if I was ok.

I had to tell him what happened, and he went in to look at the toilet for me.

And that's the story about the time I almost couldn't flush my green hangover poo at a stranger's house. And maybe now if you have a grape Four Loko, you won't freak out if you have green poo like I did!

I'm the big 3 5...

I'm 35 Today. So heres 35 mostly pointless things to say.


1. 35 isn't old. I remember thinking 35 was mature. But, well lets face it, I'm still a kid in a lot of ways. A kid that pays her bills, and lives on her own.


2. I'm logically half way thru my lifetime. But we wont go there.


3. We got a ginormous storm in NE Ohio. I don't remember a time when it more than dusted with snow before my birthday. This is a bunch of horse shit. According to Mark Johnson, the devil himself was outside waiting to pitch fork you if you left the house. We got like 3 inches. I hate weather people. And this guy.

4. I didn't get drunk for my birthday. I'm growing up!




5. I ate three peanut butter with reese cup cookies today a girl at work made. Stay tuned, it's still early.


6. I'm not working out for my birthday so I'll probably gain 5lbs from the eating in #5. That's how my body works for me. Not very well.


7. I'm pertty sure I have arthritis in my foot from my old running injury. Getting old sucks.


8. My desk at work is decorated with all hello kitty stuff cus shes awesome. Yes, I realize I'm 35. So is Hello Kitty so shut up.


9. A crackhead decided to stand at the end of my driveway today for no other reason than he is a crackhead, and shuffeled into the street when I just kept backing up at him. I heart the city.


10. I am thinking of cutting most of my hair off. I'm afraid though, so don't quote me.


11. I had a mouse in my broiler of my oven, and I just caught him Saturday. Poor little disease ridden guy.



12. I turned my heat up to 55, which is huge, because I'm a cheap ass who never has a gas bill over $100, or really even close.


13. My favorite Christmas music is the Muppets Christmas w/John Denver. I really wish they'd put the muppets back on TV. Not a remake. The real original muppets. Please, and thank you.




14. I'm in love with a stripper.


15. Just kidding, but I was singing that song, cus we rented the wrestler this weekend, and I was suprised that Marissa Tome took it all off for that movie


16. I don't feel good from eating too many cookies. And a bagel. And chip dip.


17. Someone should come to work and clean my desk for me. It's really bad, and I'm setting a bad example to the department.


18. It's almost christmas, and I bought three gifts. I suck.


19. When I say I'm the big 3-5 i feel like it should be followed with "Elizabeth, I'm comin to join ya honey" ala Fred Sanford. Even though, its not old.


20. I thought when I was in high school, that I'd be practically retired at 35.


21. When you are in high school you are a total freaking dumb ass, aren't you?


22. I really miss Lost. They don't make shows like that anymore. I miss how excited I use to get when it was on, and how I'd slow mo the tivo to see hidden clues. I feel like all TV hope is lost. Especially now that the Walking Dead is over.



23. I learned at my ripe young age, I'm a clencher.



24. Don't be gross, that means I clench my teeth too much, and the dentist had to file down my teeth and recommended a mouth guard. I have sore teeth, and no cracks, cavities, or decay. What the fuck?


25. Doesn't wearing a mouth guard sound pretty hot? I bet next, it'll be circulation socks, and granny panties or something.


26. Just like everyone looks at their poop in the toilet, I know everyone picks their nose.


27. P.S. do you ever get mad at a self flushing toilet, when you don't turn around fast enough to look at your poo and it's flushed down???!!!!



28. I get mad when I don't get to see the fruit of my labor. Dr. Oz says you have to evaluate your poo.


29. Why do boys' legs fall asleep on the toilet? It's like the 8th wonder of the world.


30. I sent my mom a picture of my poo recently, because she sent me a picture of gum in her mouth.


31. You may not know but I have a gum phobia, so she deserved a poop shot.


32. Just like boy babies, boy dogs have crappy clothes, so I think I'm going to just dress him up as a girl cus they have the cutest sweaters and stuff!


33. I feel sorry for people who have boys. Isn't that weird? Cus i totally like boys, so someone has to suffer through the trouble of having and raising them. Just dont ever let it be me. If the universe wants to screw me over and give me a kid despite my carefulness, it had better not be a boy.


34. I had to get an echeck for my car and you know how i have that stupid breathalizer on it? Too bad I didnt have to get a real echeck, cus they cant mess with my electronics boyeeeeeee!

35. Thats the only good thing thus far about having a DUI. and in the grand scheme of things, its totally not worth it.

Singled Out..

I'm not the only single girl in the world. I know this. But at 34, it gets increasingly harder to be single. Not that I'm dying on my own, or I just cant function..but its different for different social circles.

All my friends are in relationships, or married, or have kids. Or, they all have some reason not to like one another, so getting everyone together is no longer possible either. I have to divy up my time with different groups of people. Which...sucks.

This leaves little girl time. I try to fill my time up with available friends whenever I can, but those times are few and far between.

My life consists mainly of work, working out, and cleaning up poop, pee, and pet hair. And rearranging my furniture and plants. I mean, I went through my self discovery time a few years back, and I'm happy with the result, so um. Now what? I'm always learning about myself, I meditate, I listen to self help books, so what am I suppose to do?

I don't see anything wrong with meeting people. I don't think my Mr. Right will come to my door and knock to get in. I have to get out, see and be seen, and when the right one comes along I'll know. I told the universe, no more frogs. I've had enough. I want my prince!

How I'm becoming my mother 45,678 I'm going to tell you that I started drinking fiber, which is my new attempt at appetite control, and its working swimmingly. It fills you up so you eat less.

Project? Lose the 30 lbs I've been trying to lose for years.

Everyone Poops...

Works kept me super busy. But I have time to share my poop story from last week.

I was working over, as usual latley...and I didn't use the potty before I left cus, well, I just wanted to get home and get to drinking something w/an alchohol content. I had to poo. I mean....Poo! The kind where you are dancing in your car seat as a distraction so nothing creeps out!

It was Ohio summer, so like, 40 degrees and I had my passenger window halfway down. I pulled up to a light, only a mile from home, my body knew I was close. I let out a very loud yell...

"I HAVE TO POOOOOOOOP" in a sing-songy way. Then I looked over and saw the man in the car next to me also had his window down. And was looking at me.

That was the longest light in history.

It has a happy ending. I made it home to poop.

I got a cat but he aint mine...

Like attracts like. Think positive and positive will come. I keep picturing my little girl on my porch, yelling at me as she loves to do in her bossy way.


So, I called my library, which happens to loan out humane traps with a library card. Whodathunkit? As my manfriend says, I live in the "country" but it's more rural I suppose than country. Fields, and sheep and cows and whatnot makes the country I guess when you are from Cleveland. I live like 2 miles from a grocery store and gas station. It's not little house on the prairie.

Since I have a dickhead ex, who took out a ton of stuff in my name and got hauled off to rehab, therefore leaving me w/hundreds in fines....my kind neighbor, Tara went to pick it up for me.



This things pretty big. I walked for an hour thru my neighborhood putting up more flyers. It is now raining, which pisses me off because I'm going to have to go back again and replace them all. Then I set the trap back in the woods behind the neighbors apartment complex. There is a shed back there so I thought what the hell. I surounded it with my cats pee and poo from the litter box. And, I have a lot with four cats. I used a lot. I also put in my tshirt I slept in for the past few nights, and my sweaty gym socks. I've read a lot about trapping your cat. 70% of indoor only cats are returned by using a humane trap!



I have been depositing lots of pee and poo in my area to make it smell like my kitties territory, and familiar so she will come out of hiding. I checked my trap around 10, which I had covered in a Hello Kitty blanket my other cats and the dog had slept on...and I saw it had been sprung. I peeked in with a flashlight and I saw black, and instantly fear struck me....I caught a skunk!! Then I heard the hissing from a cat, and knew what I had.



I had to cart his ass back to my house so I could set him free in the light and until I did he was cussing up a storm. Once he was out he seemed friendly. He was a huge black male with huge black balls. He tried to go right back in that trap for food. Men! The good news about this is that even though I havn't seen other cats, they are around. So my cat can be around. Also, he can be scaring the shit out of my Fizzgig, because she doesn't understand hissing. She looks at a cat like, huh



I also left my back door open. I locked my cats up downstairs, and left the door open where my cat escaped. It's called turning your house into a trap. It's raining. I'm hoping she will come back on her own? I really don't want to deal with like, raccoons or possums or skunks or squirrels in my house. But....I love that damned furball to peices!



So keep sending me positive vibes, I just may trap a cat!



Nice story, this cat was finally trapped, gone for weeks!







"We miss our Mommie"!!

Is No News Good News?...

I slept like crap last night. I slept good Saturday and Sunday, with the manfriend. I feel safe with him. Why does he have to make me like him so much?

Still no word on my little kitter butt. Thank you for all the kind thoughts. Keep us in your daily thoughts. I firmly believe in the law of attraction.

I also believe that every bad/tragic thing happens for a reason, and the thing to ask during these times is.."what leasson am I to learn from this". Which, I've been asking the universe this. Nothing comes to mind whatsoever. I really thought (with my morbid mind) I would find a dead body in the woods while searching. Maybe I was meant to find someones missing person on my search for my missing cat? Really, that's how I think.

My gut tells me that she is ok, somewhere. My eyes hurt from crying so much. My manfriend put a cold three olives bottle on my swollen eyes when he was there. That's love.

My efforts last night consisted of me grabbing two grocery bags of used cat litter, a baggie, and making a Hansel and Gretel trail of stinkies in the woods behind my house. At the time I didn't find the humor in it. Now, it is kind of funny. But, nothing I wouldn't do for my kitty to come home!

I read online that indoor cats usually stay within a 5 house radius and will not come when you call them, no matter what you think your cat would or wouldn't do. And they'd rather starve than come out of hiding. The best thing to do is to make the territory smell like theirs. She may look big but she's a tiny little thing under all that fur.

I'm most sad that her babies are sad. When they hear each other's bells, they look like, ..."Mom?"... They stare out the windows, and I know its not the usual cat window watching because it's at night. They aren't even comforting each other. When Fizzgig was home, they were a happy cat pile of purrs. Now, they are separated, and seem to be pissed at each other. They aren't even sleeping with me, and it use to be a struggle to fit all their fluffy butts on my pillow at night. She's the furry kitty glue that holds the family together.

I feel like she is OK. I have to keep positive about it. That's all I can do. I read countless stories online yesterday about cats who are gone weeks, months, years and they were indoor cats too. And I posted to my catster account that she is missing, and got lots of support from fellow kitty lovers there. Anyone kind enough to take in a lost cat, has to know that there is someone heartbroken that she is gone. Anyone have any returned animal stories? They make me feel better.

I went last Friday out with people from High School. But, I don't much feel like blogging it just yet. My heart still hurts. And, I feel guilty for going cus she got out sometime before I left.

My Shit Don't Stink...

I'm going to relate the dumbest shit I ever heard. Besides asking me if boys have a colon....(new girl) . I use to work with a girl who said she didn't believe in the courtesy flush, because poop hits the water, therefore the smell is trapped in the water, no need to flush during a poo so your neighbor doesn't pass out from noxious fumes.



I bet you can guess who always got blamed for stinking up the shitter. I mean seriously. If this were true, no one would stink up a bathroom, doesn't all of our poop land in the water? Does that mean the reason a crapper is still fuming, because someone decided to take a poo on the floor? I'm sure it wouldn't help, but come on. Poop stinks. Period.



I'm helping the world be harmonious. Why we should all love each other: We all bleed red. Put our socks on one foot at a time. And all our poops land in the water. And stink.

Speaking of harmonious this was on Oprah....and I can relate to this 100%....

"Spirituality is an individuals waking up to a dimension of their being, or soul. It is the most real part of us. When one starts to really feel into the spiritual part of their being, they bump into love, they bump into compassion, they bump into beauty, they bump into real peace and real joy. And that begins to be where they live their life from. Real, authentic beings that have a tremendous amount of meaning in their life. Begin to notice what you have in your life that you are grateful for. When you look at life through gratitude you dont see as many obstacles or hinderences, you see potential, you see possibilities, then you become an open vehicle for inspiration, or wisdom, or guidance coming from the spiritual part of your being."

They suggested to start meditation, by sitting quietly for 1 minute each morning. I say this, it's a fantastic suggestion, because you become connected to your thoughts, and learn what your inner voice is, and what inner noise is. I had a very hard time getting past this, and I still struggle at times. Trust your gut.

Certainly Not a Boyscout..

I wouldn't complain about the manfriend. But if ever I wanted to complain about something it would be his lack of preparation. I'm pretty sure a nice organizer, used properly would fix that. He forgets a lot of events, or details of events. This weekend was one such incident.

Saturday night we met his friend and his girlfriend out at BW3 to watch UFC, which if you don't know is fighting. I really had no interest in it at all, but it was kinda funny to watch the boys roll around together on the ground. (gay) They also had interesting choices in underwear. The girlfriend told me I would like it if I watched this reality show on Spike TV. She is also obsessed with Big Brother so she must know what she's talking about. Reality show? I'll pretty much watch a reality show about anything, so I may check it out.

We're outside for a smoke and non chalant the boy says "Oh, tomorrows the (insert manfriends family name) reunion at 3, do you want to go for a while?" Meeting the reunion family? Kind of a big deal to a girl. Remember, we have a "long distance" relationship so what I have with me is what I have with me. I can't just 'drop by my house' and get a few things. I said "I don't have supplies for the shower. And I don't have anything nice to wear" He told me it's informal. Then he said it was at the Cleveland Yacht Club. Uh. Yea. He apologized for springing it on me but kept assuring me that it was no big deal that I wasn't wearing something nice. (side note he never said I didnt have on nice clothes, I did..)

So, I showered with my girlie stuff I have at his house (from his mom, cute!), but had to wash my hair with his manpoo. Which doesn't leave your hair soft and shiney at all. Then, the best part, was blow drying my hair with a high velocity fan in the hall way. I had a great wind blown look going on. Then, I put on my jean cut offs and t-shirt and trucked it to meet the family. I felt so classy.

The best part of this story, is that you know how I've been doing a body cleanse, and my pipes have been sort of clogged since vacation? I have been that cleansing system for 5 days, and when does it decide to start working? At the (insert manfriend's family name) family reunion. With two of his relatives in the small bathroom with me. Oh yea, have I mentioned it makes it smell 100 times worse than poo would normally smell? Yes, I can imagine I'm the manfriend's classy girlfriend who drops a stinker in the crapper, and under dresses to family functions.

I saw a toddler picture of the manfriend. They had a baby photo contest. He was probably one of the cutest kids ever, and I don't like kids. My new name for him, is goldilocks. It's pretty cute.

Have I ever stated how much I hate sports? Especialy when they interfere with my freaking TV shows? Big Brother didn't record. I got the first 10 minutes, which was the HUGE blowout with everyone over Jessie going home. Does anyone outside the house even care that he's gone? I didn't think so. I'm watching the episode right now. Here are my thoughts. Um, when did Jerry get so high and mighty? Wasn't everyone pissed at him for lying the first week? And he "took off all my marine gear so that makes lying ok". Dan took off his cross, so whats the difference? I hate hippocrytes. I wish I could smack the shit out of Michelle. I hate her.

Not as much as I hate Jessie. If you havn't watched the House Calls where he got the boot, you have to. It's right here. Evel Dick asked him 10 times how it felt America voted him out, and he won't admit that they did. He is a total freaking idiot. This is classic.