"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


What has been a common theme throughout my dating years, is that I tend to date men that are not emotionally available. Usually I don't know this, or I wouldn't get into any type of relationship with them to begin with. But I had to begin to wonder, what is the common denominator with every failed relationship I've had?

Usually, the guy always comes back, and professes his regrets, and apologies, for losing a great girl, and treating me like crap.

This dates back to middle school. So really, there has to be a lesson here, right? some were bad, and I could tell they were bad and I should get out of them, but the last one. The exassholamanfriend one, was seemingly flawless.

This brings me to the present, and that I did in fact, receive that apology and regret email from exassholemanfriend over the weekend. Granted, it was much better written than the break up letter, but still somewhat meaningless.

It did bring a tear to my eye because as I've said many times, that was a love like none I'd ever known, and I couldn't point out a single flaw in that relationship other than the fact that he was afraid of being happy, and I finally got my validation.

Who's afraid to be happy? What's the worst that could happen, you're happy?

Maybe my reaction would be different if I were still "single". But I doubt it. The only way it would have mattered is if he had said he spent the last 4 months going to counseling, and he found out the reason *why* he ran from me. Not that he's sorry he did.

I am glad that he let me know he realized he screwed up, but really it changes nothing at this point, as much as I wish it did. I have no idea why he even contacted me. Just to get my hopes up...ever so sligthly?

I responded that I'm happy where I am, that I'd already forgiven him, and I cant fault him for being who he is. I had no regrets, I considered him the love of my life thus far, and I'm sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't. I told him I am seeing someone else, and I'm where I'm meant to be right now.

I thanked him for helping me open up and know that it's ok to be vulnerable. Because, while I got hurt in the end, I am here to live another day, and love again.

No one knows what the future holds but I'm not running back to someone just because they decided they should have manned up and made things work with "the best girlfriend he ever had". I want to make things work with someone who knows what he has, and wont let it go in the first place.

And I want to stop thinking about exassholemanfriend! I don't understand why I can't.


Sister Copinherhair said...

I am so proud of you. :)

Teena in Toronto said...

I wouldn't have written back.

Fizzgig said...

thank you! its definatly not easy. i still miss him and what we had. minus the crazy part where he dumped me out of nowhere.

i had my reasons!!