"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, July 11, 2005

I'm Baaaaaack! ...

Well, although I did miss writing, I still wrote a ton in my journals over the past few days. I really love to get my thoughts out that way. It helps. And I had a lot going on up there!

I spent 45 minutes trying to talk a coworker through updating our website via cell phone from Columbus. Turned out, that its royally screwed up, and says page cannot be displayed. I don't have a back up person. And, it isnt my problem! That is what I am trying to fix today. It should be easy. It isn't something you can walk someone through over the phone very well! It shouldn't be too hard to fix! But, connecting to our FTP site, is the problem!

The trip was fun. I was only there for the actual trade show for 1 day. The others were set up. My feet, are still pounding! My arms, back, neck, hands, toes hurt!! Next time you attend a trade show, even the smallest booth, took those people at least 1 day to set up! You just dont realize all the work that goes into it for people to walk by and say hm, plants. nice. Whatchu got for free? (which, was nothing for us BTW...cheap!)

My room kicked ass, one of the very few places you are able to smoke in Columbus. Funny, how they tax the shit out of us, make us pay for arenas, and concert halls, then ban us from smoking there! How about taxing the drunks since you can still legally annoy people while drinking alchohol....but not smoking! Go ahead and get shitfaced and grope women, and make an ass of yourself...Oh, heaven forbid someone smell your smoke, but go ahead and get sloshed and drive home and kill somebody!!

But, my point was, I could smoke there. It was my haven from the heat and smokeless world!! I got a big king bed at the Hyatt, and 4 pillows! A feather bed, down comforters, and cable TV. I turned my a/c down to 55, so I was COLD cus I LOVE IT! My room, My rules!

I missed my Bubba....I think she missed me too, she said she did! lol. We still talked a bit on the phone, but it's just not the same. *sigh* We were reunited yesterday too. We spend so much time together, it's funny.

I had some good times, lots of laughs, not so much drinking, but there was drinking. Mostly, I missed WG. I know, coming from me, this sounds so pathetic!!!!!

Talking to people who I havn't already bored to tears with my talk of WG these 4 days, gave me new perspective. Everyone has noticed how I go on and on about him. I can say that yes, in the past when I first met someone, I would be excited, and miss them, and talk all about them. I know all things start out great. (this is what scares me most....CHANGE!)

Mostly, in the past the way I acted, with men, was mostly reaction to how they were acting towards me. If they were being affectionate, I reciprocated. It was rarely because it was an extension of how I was feeling at the time. I can say that now it is. WG keeps telling me that while I don't want to label what we have, that we are in fact in a relationship. Which, we are. I said I was spoken for this wknd.

The "L" word has slipped out. And, it was caught, before the whole word came out..., and the second time was in reference to the future, so it wasn't a big deal. I agree that not saying it doesn't mean it isn't there. I know I feel something that makes me sick when we are apart, and it isn't a jealous sick, like I think something will happen. Although, I do still think he or I will die in a tragic accident. Because I have never been able to have everything I wanted. I am sure I still won't. I am trying not to pursue happiness...I am trying to just let it happen!
I have a tendancy to run for the hills. My feet aren't moving though..oddly.

Sad, that I think being treated badly is normal. There are so many girls out there stuck in that same spot, and I wish I could give them hope. You really don't know how great life can be when someone is holding you down. Because they feel bad about themselves, they don't want you to be happy either. It's sick! But, that's life!

It took forever for me to get home yesterday I just wanted to see WG and not let go of him. I don't want to say I felt complete, because thats been overdone, and I am already a complete person on my own! That took therapy! lol!

I will write more about that in time. Right now, things are good!

My pets missed me. How cute it was, that Little hill whimpered when I was kissing WG. And he said that he understood they missed me too. TWDSO would've been pissed if I so much as said hello to my pets first. But then again, WG met me at work so we didn't have that problem =) Loves it!

Tayray took good care of my pets in my absence. Everyone was present and accounted for, and well fed and watered! Bubba came over to dry laundry cus her dryer is broken. She said she was at Tayrays and came to get her clothes and Hill was in her clothes.. How cute!! She was comfy cozey and lonley!!!!

I developed a 'tumor' on the trip. I think something bit me. I had a huge lump on my eyebrow. It was in a good spot so you couldnt really see it, on my brow bone, and my bangs could cover it. It started on Wed. and on Fri, it was bad! My right eye swelled shut twice in the morning and crap oozed out the corner of my eye overnight. My eye hurt constantly even if I didn't touch it. Pounding pressure! Hard as a rock. It was as big as a dime at one point!I have no clue what it was. I iced it and put hot compresses on it! And the swelling went down after being up about 1/2 hr. Today it is finally smaller and not nearly as painful, and no swelling this morning!

I learned a new word which is cattywampus. I am unsure of the spelling, but 2 people I work with actually used this word separately. I told them each the other said it, and the rest is history. It means askew. I think! That's cattywampus. Er, something!

We had great food. I am not a big meat eater. I eat meat usually once or twice in a week, if at all. I just don't crave it. Then, I only like chicken or turkey. Tuna sometimes. Once in a while hamburger but thats the extent of it. I had meat every meal, very unlike me. I ate enough of it to last me for 2 months! Bleh. We went to this really neat italian restaurant, I think there was around 12 of us. They ordered a meat plate. It had pork chops, some steak or something, and sausages. 2 big, fat sausages. people actually cut it up and ate the meat. It was all weird things, and by weird I mean things most people would love and consider a delacasy. Calamari? blah! Salmon? blah! Caesar salad? Ummmm, do you have iceberg lettuce? thankssssss!!
Everything was weird, I am easy to please. I like a chicken breast, and some broccoli, thats good! Even the pizza was weird there! But, the atmosphere made up for it.

And the wine was excellent!!! I don't normally like chardonnay either, I guess I just didn't have a good one! I'm a blush, or white zinfendel girl. There is a winery here, that makes the best desert wine, which I can down a bottle of in no time!!! It is the best! It's called Vignoles, from Wolf Creek Winery. MMMMM! We use to go to the winery a lot after work. Now that we work 2 jobs we dont have much time. You drink a bottle of wine and don't know it and go pee and get sick! lol!

Anyone who has had one, knows that nothing is like a wine hangover! NOTHING! I made it almost home, and TWDSO said to hold my puke, but I let it out all over the side of the car. At least I made it out the window! Long story short, I let the dog out in my drunken stupor, and when i opened the door to let her out, i went out too. I woke up outside on the sidewalk, I had fallen down 2 steps. TWDSO woke me up and got me inside. I woke up w/a tshirt on, no idea how my clothes got off. My head pounding, band aids all over my knees and elbow. And I lost an earring! I stayed in bed the entire day and threw up. I never stopped. Id drink, Id throw up. Id drink, Id throw up. Id wake up, throw up. Pee, throw up! Horrid! At least TWDSO took care of me in my drunken state. I wouldnt be suprised if he took advantage of me too! Asshole!

All I can say, is luckily I was hauling, and moving, and working, because I have a contest to win, and I ate more than I normally do in a week!!!! Bleh! I just feel crappy! I need to get back on track! I barely had time to work out working 2 jobs and having 6 pets! Now, I have a man in my life too! Not that I'm complaining!

Those jerks at my second job, got Thurs. and Fri. off cus it isn't busy, they could take it off!
Ummmmm, I used my hard earned comp time to go away for my job!!!! Booty!
I do however, get 2 days off for going, which I am happily taking week after next!
I'm going to see Staind, 3 Doors Down, and Breaking Benjamin, with Bubba and Milk that week.

I LOOOOOOOOVE Staind! Gimme some Aaron Lewis any day of the week, I wouldn't complain!
Their music helped me out of my slump. I went from Country to alternative as top choice! Some people, think that kind of music is dark, and hateful. But if you can appreciate music, you can appreciate the lyrics to any songs, and realize that singing about things you understand makes you feel you aren't alone. It doesnt make you kill people! Or hate! It's more like an outlet for those feelings. That is today's lesson!!! So, they mean a lot to me!!! I especially love


You take away
I feel the same
You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me
you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again
Cause you can’t feel my anger
You can’t feel my pain
You can’t feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can’t fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can’t take away
Make me whole again
I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can’t deal with shit anymore
I just look away
Cause you can’t feel my anger
You can’t feel my pain
You can’t feel my torment
Driving me insane

And..."For You"

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you’ve said
The silence gets us nowhere,
Gets up nowhere way too fast.
The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don’t know how to listen
And let me make my decision
All your insults and your curses
Make me feel like I’m not a person.
And I feel like I am nothing.
But you made me so do something.
Cause I’m fucked up because you are
I need attention, attention you couldn’t give.

Rock on! I can't wait to go! I have more to say as always, but I have to save more for later!

Today's Question: (for all!)
(btw I think my FAMILY (over there) should be required to answer these. More for your book momma! More for your book!)

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in a relationship?

Good lord, how do you pick one when your life is riddled with bad relationships? LOL! I guess I would say looking back, staying in situations that were bad for me, because I felt like no one else would want me. I bought into the BS they told me. But, I can also appreciate the person I am today, which I wouldn't be, w/o having walked in those shoes for a while.

What makes you most content?

Time to myself always lets me get in touch with where I am in my life, where I am going, and where I have been. I need that time, to function like most people do normally. ME TIME!


hot for jr. said...

What makes me most content - It used to be laying down to watch tv, and have my kitty, Miss Ashley, laying on my chest purring. A purring cat is so relaxing and calming. Now, I'm content being next to my man!! Resting my head on his shoulder or chest, or just laying next to him.

Biggest mistake in a relationship? There were a few. The biggest one is something I prefer not to put into writing here, but family may know what I'm talking about. I didn't want to get 'yelled' at again for not answering questions, so I had to put something!!

JustDes said...

Glad you're back! I love wine too! Oh and i think it's sweet you miss WG....AWWW you can talk me to death about him, being that i don't have a love life. *SIGH*.....Anyway

The Answer: lol...WHat a question. I think my biggest mistake was letting my "ex" walk over me.....Letting him get away with ish.....DAmn i was silly.

Answer 2: I agree mon....ME TIME!

Mon said...

hot for jr: I am quite content cuddling (yea, i said it! so what?)
but I was thinking big picture here, with or without a man. Youre askin for it btw!

Neodes: I missed your witty comments! lol! I'm sure I will have lots of interesting things to say about this!

I would agree on the ex thing. But, now you know what you aren't willing to deal with. And, you had to learn from your own mistakes. Thats the best way. Then you can say 'been there, done that' and move on. Otherwise, the good tends to far outweigh the bad, regardless of how bad the bad is!