"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Deep Thoughts....by...ME....

Sometimes, when I am outside, I will look at the clouds, in the blue sky, and feel the sunshine warm my face. I take a deep breath, and let everything go. Sometimes it is the tree's that make me stop. Sometimes it is when I am watching the birds at my birdfeeder. It is almost like an out of body experience, because everything is clear, everything is quiet, everything is still...I get tunnel vision, and I say to myself..."self, it is wonderful to be alive, the world is a beautiful place, I am a very lucky girl" and nothing bothers me for those few short moments....but I always come back to reality! Usually with a sick feeling that jolts me right out of it. Self! happiness! Danger!!!! Danger!!!!!

I wish that I could hold on to those times longer. They slip away too fast. I have a messed up head that doesn't allow me happiness. I am trying not to let it get the best of me but it's a struggle. I am my own worst enemy. I know this. Changing it, has not been easy. While I have come a long way with changing myself, this part still haunts me. I have fear of intimacy. Fear of abandonment. What do you do when what you fear the most, has found its way into your life again?

I think of it as any one else's fear. Burglary, murder...it can happen anywhere, and when you least expect it, as much as you may try guard yourself with alarms, weapons, or, ...trying to hide from feelings you might have. People don't invite predators into their homes. This is what it feels like to me. Or, playing with fire. Or, sticking you hand into a piranha tank. Whichever best visualizes it for you! lol!

I spent most of my life, seeking approval, and love from men. I learned from various sources, that this comes from not having my dad in my life much. I remember crying a lot thinking my dad didn't love me. I remember thinking I had to be the 'good' one and sought his approval. He would tell me when I was in the paper, or cut out articles for my accomplishments. I felt like that was my 'in'...success. I never had flings, I clung on for dear life, and it just turns out that most of the guys were useless. I played my part, I am at fault for a lot of things. But I don't belive there is any excuse for hitting a woman. I never deserved that part. I can say, I provoked a lot of things, but I was out of my mind for a period of my life. Normal people, don't stab beds when their husbands are in them....do they? LOL!!!!

But, somewhere along the line, I lost my way. I wanted to be loved so much, that I gave up myself to try to find it. I didn't know how to function on my own, as an individual. My life, was my man. At first, this was the case with my ex-husband, as we met at 15(him) and 16(me). We were each other's world. But when he started to get a life other than me I panicked. That was the beginning of my downfall. While I am sure these subjects will come up from time to time in the future, I won't go into detail about it right now. But I did whatever I could to prevent him from leaving me, and ultimatly I pushed him away.

Funny thing is, now, I am just like he was. I need my space. My space makes me appreciate everything that much more. It enhances every aspect of my life. I never want to be to the point where I feel sick thinking about going home to someone cus they are always there.

And then, there is control. It comes from my fear of change. Funny how my biggest fears are things that are inevitable. I use to have to control others. This made me a miserable person, because anyone who has been there knows, it's impossible. It took the same thing happening to me, to make me realize, what I had been doing to others. Not fun. No one has a right to tell you what you can or can't do. If you want to do things that might hurt others, then you aren't with the right person. That is how I take it. Everyone has thoughts, their normal. Actions, are where the lines are crossed.

So, having had another moment of clarity today, seeing the world through untainted eyes....has made me think a lot about where I am today. Maybe it was my horoscope from yesterday. Talking about following my dreams. I have a lot of dreams. And, I know that you do not become what you want, you become what you believe. I believe my dreams are worth reaching for. I am trying. I don't know how much longer I can hide under my tough exterior. I want so much to be independant. I am battling this right now. How to be independant, and have someone special in my life. I get a flutter when I imagine it. It is that scarey to me. Bleh!

Obviously, I am a caring person. I say I am selfish. I say I am difficult. I don't think I would be blessed with all the great people in my life, if these things were true. And I do like myself a lot. I am fun to be around. I don't think I'd enjoy my alone time so much, if I didn't like me. There has got to be more to me than that. WG told me that I am a caring loving person, and that my outlet has been my friends, and pets. I guess, I am more open to that being a truth than I have been before. I can see it. He tells me I do nice things all the time. Maybe I have always been this way, and no one appreciated me? Because I don't feel like I am doing anything out of the ordinary. (besides, not cleaning as much....or sleeping...lol)

This song makes me think of this portion of my life whenever I hear it. It really holds true, for this post, because it is what is happening to me. I am struggling with my feelings, I feel them. They scare me. I havn't run away yet...They are there. I want to spit them out, divulge my secrets. I honestly think that he knows how I feel. I do feel connected, and yea, I know that sounds weird. It is an actual feeling this time. They are not just words. I am projecting my fear onto him. Afraid, that when he knows, he will leave. Because this is my fear.

I am determined not to let myself give up on what I deserve. Which, after this long and steep road, is ultimately happiness.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move 'til you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

You never know, what can happen. I keep saying I am not worrying about the future. I am not labeling anything. I am not going to let anything happen, so nothing can end, nothing can change. Yet, I am not actually doing these things. I slipped up and labeled him when talking about him with Bubba last night. It just slipped out, that I called him my boyfriend. I said, I didn't say that. She is in the same boat. Scared. You just get too afraid to trust that what someone does and says is true.


lyrics said...

OH NO, Ive been labled. Hmmmm, actually thats a good thing. If anyone remembers the 80's, when generic food first came out it was in these black&white containgers that just said something like "Macaroni" or "Beans". I dont feel generic anymore now that I have a label. OH, I wanted to say thank you for the kind words to HotforJR. Im glad Mon is happy with me in her life, especially since Im not doing anything out of the way. If I can make her happy by being me, imagine what would happen if I chose to do something really special one night, her head would pop. J/K LOL. And Mon, I like good labels, and I like that fact that Im not the only one whos slipped and said what they were actually thinking/feeling. I wont hold it against you, I will cherish it though. OH, and in that song theres a line that goes "I'm just scared to know the ending" I can solve that problem. Lets just not have an ending.
Except I will have to end this comment, I dont think they will let me type forever.


Rachel said...

I guess worrying and feeling the need to control is part of growing up. Remember how carefree we were as kids? I would ride the wildest horses, bike down the steepest hills, and climb the tallest, weakes trees on windy days to sway in the branches without a thought in the world that anything could ever happen to me. I miss those days.