If Being a Superfan is Wrong..I Don't Wanna Be Right...

Whenever I gush about my favorite artist of all time, Madonna...people actually say "she still releases albums?" Um...excuse me? She's always been relevant!

When I saw her for the first time in 2012..some people sitting next to me, who also obviously paid $200 for their tickets as well...were upset she was playing music from a new album. I wanted to push them off the balcony for being half assed-fans, but I was having way too much fun dancing and singing!

The countdown for Madonna's latest album annoyed many of those close to me. The arrival probably annoyed people even more! It's all I talked about! When her new single Ghost Town hit the airways...I screamed in the car...I was so excited, you would have thought that it was my song I was hearing on the radio for the first time!

Superfan? That's an understatement!

After 27 years of loving her,  I finally got to see Madonna. Live. In concert!!   It was a pretty magical moment, even if I had to sit alone because no one I knew wanted to pay that much for a ticket.

And now, in 2015, she is once again, not coming to Cleveland! But now that I am 39 years old, and not 10...I have the means to see her in the nearest city!! For once, being older has its perks!

I was able to first buy two tickets of my liking to the Detroit, MI concert, a mere 3 hour drive. Next step, was inviting someone to a FREE Madonna concert!  Who can resist that?

No one!

Most importantly...Madonna is FROM MICHIGAN!!  A home town show is going to be even more awesome!

One of my longest BFF's is  road tripping it with me to the big (and honestly...scary) city with me! She works for a hotel chain, so we get a discount on our room, and we got a respectable suite for dirt cheap.

I mean, there are concerts I go to that I love...but not as Iconic as Madonna...and not of an artist who has been such a constant in my life!

I am probably not going to shut up about this for the next 7 months. And then, probably never!

Since I'm in a Blowfish Mood....

I've been listening to my greatest hits CD. I have always listened to this song in the past, wishing I had someone to think about when I sang to myself in my awesome car singing voice....
I think the birds are singing, and the bee's are buzzing....

(Well, actually, the bee's are drunk and flying into things. This is an actual true fact, the bee's are drunk. They drink fermented flower nectar and that is why they chase you down when it gets cold out, and run into large objects. I am thinking of trying this out, so if you see me shoving flowers in my mouth, and falling down... you will know why. I'm trying out a new high! That, is your lesson of the day!)

All your life you've waited, for love to come and stay

now that I have found you, it must not slip away

I know it's hard believing the words you've heard before

Darling you must trust them please, trust them just once more

Cause baby goodbye doesn't mean forever

let me tell ya goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again

if you wake up and I'm not there, I wont be long away,

because the things you do my goodbye girl, will bring me back to you

I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again

you fight the love you feel for me, instead of giving in

I can wait forever ohh, helping you to see

that I was meant for you my love, and you were meant for me

Remember goodbye doesn't mean forever

let me tell ya goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again

though we may be so far apart, you still have my heart

so forget your past my goodbye girl, now you're home at last

Only Lonley On the Inside....

I woke up lonley this morning. Funny thing. For someone who enjoys being alone huh?

Of course, I thought of this song:

Hello again, your words they make me smile.

As I drift away in my little room upstairs.

Then I realize I don't even know your name.

If we could share our time, would I disappoint your fantasies?

But I believe that I could be the one you need 'cause I'm...

Only lonley on the inside

And I could start to give apologies

for all the stupid things that I will say and I will do.

If we should ever cross the same place at the same time

would your world skip a beat 'cause it was me?

If we could share our life would I disappoint your memories?

I believe that you could be the one I've needed.

And I'm...

Only lonley on the inside...

If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your treasures,

don't you think that I would change my world?

But there's so many things trying to pull us together.

And even though we're far apart, I can still watch you walk away.

It had been a week since I stayed a night alone. Weird. I think that was the reason I didn't want to start staying with anyone, cus it is so weird when you sleep alone. It felt weird. Not right. Like we broke up. I woke up on the other side of the bed. I was all out of sorts. Late. To top off waking up late, I got behind a truck, putting new lines on the road. Going 5mph. When I'm already running late. Boy, that put me in a fun mood! WG called me though. To tell me that he felt weird too. All the signs are pointing towards my wanting to be w/him all the time. I'm still not ready for the official move-in. I have my mind set on that. Maybe I think it will prevent my getting hurt? You can still get hurt if you don't live together. Maybe I think we wont break up if we are engaged....

we could still break up. I don't know. Maybe its stalling? I really don't know. I know, that if I stick to my guns I will at least know in my own mind and heart that it is real. Have I said lately how great it feels to be in love? I dunno if I have mentioned it. I know, I'm sickening!

That's what matters.

What I think.

I had a successful rabbit date last night. My poor bunny lost a toenail! Boos! No wonder he has been a big fat lumpy grumpy bun!!!! I clipped his nails and cleaned his bum. He is too fat to clean himself. We're working on that. He doesn't eat too much, he just is lazy w/o his wifey. Last night he followed Chelsea Bear around, so he will work off some of his weight.

I started watching another show. Battle of the Network Reality Stars. It is similar to the battle of the stars from years ago. It is funny. It has all the greats on it, from all shows!

I can't wait to watch Big Brother tonight. I like nothing more, than watching people I don't know fight on TV and make asses of themselves! I just do!

Bubba got a little thing we like to call "Payback" on that biznatch from job 2 that was rude to me for using the pisser. Sweet.

I think it might snow tomorrow. Saturday night it was around 100 degrees out. Now, it's freezing. And, it takes some pretty cold weather for ME to say I'm cold!!!!!

'Theres nothing wrong with Ohio...'

'Except the snow and the rain...'

Good song!

Today's Question:

What is the thing of highest value that you have lost?

That'd be my house. Can you say foreclosure?

Deep Thoughts....by...ME....

Sometimes, when I am outside, I will look at the clouds, in the blue sky, and feel the sunshine warm my face. I take a deep breath, and let everything go. Sometimes it is the tree's that make me stop. Sometimes it is when I am watching the birds at my birdfeeder. It is almost like an out of body experience, because everything is clear, everything is quiet, everything is still...I get tunnel vision, and I say to myself..."self, it is wonderful to be alive, the world is a beautiful place, I am a very lucky girl" and nothing bothers me for those few short moments....but I always come back to reality! Usually with a sick feeling that jolts me right out of it. Self! happiness! Danger!!!! Danger!!!!!

I wish that I could hold on to those times longer. They slip away too fast. I have a messed up head that doesn't allow me happiness. I am trying not to let it get the best of me but it's a struggle. I am my own worst enemy. I know this. Changing it, has not been easy. While I have come a long way with changing myself, this part still haunts me. I have fear of intimacy. Fear of abandonment. What do you do when what you fear the most, has found its way into your life again?

I think of it as any one else's fear. Burglary, murder...it can happen anywhere, and when you least expect it, as much as you may try guard yourself with alarms, weapons, or, ...trying to hide from feelings you might have. People don't invite predators into their homes. This is what it feels like to me. Or, playing with fire. Or, sticking you hand into a piranha tank. Whichever best visualizes it for you! lol!

I spent most of my life, seeking approval, and love from men. I learned from various sources, that this comes from not having my dad in my life much. I remember crying a lot thinking my dad didn't love me. I remember thinking I had to be the 'good' one and sought his approval. He would tell me when I was in the paper, or cut out articles for my accomplishments. I felt like that was my 'in'...success. I never had flings, I clung on for dear life, and it just turns out that most of the guys were useless. I played my part, I am at fault for a lot of things. But I don't belive there is any excuse for hitting a woman. I never deserved that part. I can say, I provoked a lot of things, but I was out of my mind for a period of my life. Normal people, don't stab beds when their husbands are in them....do they? LOL!!!!

But, somewhere along the line, I lost my way. I wanted to be loved so much, that I gave up myself to try to find it. I didn't know how to function on my own, as an individual. My life, was my man. At first, this was the case with my ex-husband, as we met at 15(him) and 16(me). We were each other's world. But when he started to get a life other than me I panicked. That was the beginning of my downfall. While I am sure these subjects will come up from time to time in the future, I won't go into detail about it right now. But I did whatever I could to prevent him from leaving me, and ultimatly I pushed him away.

Funny thing is, now, I am just like he was. I need my space. My space makes me appreciate everything that much more. It enhances every aspect of my life. I never want to be to the point where I feel sick thinking about going home to someone cus they are always there.

And then, there is control. It comes from my fear of change. Funny how my biggest fears are things that are inevitable. I use to have to control others. This made me a miserable person, because anyone who has been there knows, it's impossible. It took the same thing happening to me, to make me realize, what I had been doing to others. Not fun. No one has a right to tell you what you can or can't do. If you want to do things that might hurt others, then you aren't with the right person. That is how I take it. Everyone has thoughts, their normal. Actions, are where the lines are crossed.

So, having had another moment of clarity today, seeing the world through untainted eyes....has made me think a lot about where I am today. Maybe it was my horoscope from yesterday. Talking about following my dreams. I have a lot of dreams. And, I know that you do not become what you want, you become what you believe. I believe my dreams are worth reaching for. I am trying. I don't know how much longer I can hide under my tough exterior. I want so much to be independant. I am battling this right now. How to be independant, and have someone special in my life. I get a flutter when I imagine it. It is that scarey to me. Bleh!

Obviously, I am a caring person. I say I am selfish. I say I am difficult. I don't think I would be blessed with all the great people in my life, if these things were true. And I do like myself a lot. I am fun to be around. I don't think I'd enjoy my alone time so much, if I didn't like me. There has got to be more to me than that. WG told me that I am a caring loving person, and that my outlet has been my friends, and pets. I guess, I am more open to that being a truth than I have been before. I can see it. He tells me I do nice things all the time. Maybe I have always been this way, and no one appreciated me? Because I don't feel like I am doing anything out of the ordinary. (besides, not cleaning as much....or sleeping...lol)

This song makes me think of this portion of my life whenever I hear it. It really holds true, for this post, because it is what is happening to me. I am struggling with my feelings, I feel them. They scare me. I havn't run away yet...They are there. I want to spit them out, divulge my secrets. I honestly think that he knows how I feel. I do feel connected, and yea, I know that sounds weird. It is an actual feeling this time. They are not just words. I am projecting my fear onto him. Afraid, that when he knows, he will leave. Because this is my fear.

I am determined not to let myself give up on what I deserve. Which, after this long and steep road, is ultimately happiness.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move 'til you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
Mmmm..
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

You never know, what can happen. I keep saying I am not worrying about the future. I am not labeling anything. I am not going to let anything happen, so nothing can end, nothing can change. Yet, I am not actually doing these things. I slipped up and labeled him when talking about him with Bubba last night. It just slipped out, that I called him my boyfriend. I said, I didn't say that. She is in the same boat. Scared. You just get too afraid to trust that what someone does and says is true.