Father please forgive me for I know not what I do
I just never had the chance to ever meet you
Therefore I did not know that I would grow to be
My mother's evil seed and do these evil deeds.....
So, I did a few mean spirited things in my life. So what? Most of them, never harmed anyone. I couldn't figure the best way to format my evil deeds, so I'm numbering them. I'm sure I'll be sorry I did that in the end. Mind you 96% of these were in high school, or my first real job which was like high school!!!
1. Ate string cheese and root beers with my friend Jen in the IGA parking lot until we had to poop. Pooped in a cup, and stuck turds under unsuspecting shoppers door handles. Parked, and watched them come out, touch the poop, and smell their hands.
2. Threw cups of pop in peoples cars where the windows were rolled down.
3. Let the air out of my ex husbands tires in school a few times.
4. Told the principal that my ex husband and his friends smoked pot before school in the parking lot. And lied to him about being the one who told on him. (whoopsie)
5. Picked on a girl named Gidget (yes that is her real name) she was in the band with us. We knocked her books out of her hands, yanked her backpack, tripped her. We were not nice.
6. Flicked puke into Angie Scalzo's hair in band one day.
7. Threw all my ex husbands clothes outside and soaked them so they would freeze in the winter time. (he deserved it)
8. Found my exes drugs, set them on fire, and woke him up to watch them go up in flames. Shouldn't have lied to me. Bastard.
9. Set up an ex with my friend cus he dumped me for her. Got him to think she was someone else, and met at Peppie's (where all good things happened) then made fun of him for falling for it and left.
10. The dessenex on my ex husbands butt...classic!
11. Might have egged a few people in my day.
12. TP'ing. We actually Tp'd our friend Jen once, and never told her it was us. Cus, she didn't come over that night! That's what she got!
13. Use to prank exes friend 'buddy' all the time. Buddy ol pal ol friend o mine. (he star 69'd me once, i said 'dont answer it' then, my machine came on...classic!)
14. Put an eyeglass screw and cigarette ashes in a coworkers minestrone soup. She ate it all. LOL!
15. Put my shoes in coworkers cubicles. If you smelled my feet, you'd know this was an evil deed!
16. Threw away loan applications if they were messy from a previous job. Hey, they'd be better off going to another bank anyhow!!
17. Moved my ex husbands car from the bar he was at, to another parking lot. Made him think the car was stolen.
18. Tp'd ex husbands car with chicken wings and tp while he was at the bar.
19. Broke into ex husbands car when we were split up and put holes in his condoms, and broke his cologne bottle. He caught me in his car. His dumb girlfriend ended up pregnant. (that he cheated on me with people!) I like to think I had a little part in that. They are no longer together. Muh ah ah ah ah! (guess what? he was at the bar!)
20. Sang a specially written song for an overweight girl in high school every day at lunch. We had it down pat on a piano and everything. Her last name was Moomaw. It was perfect. I actually really felt bad about that.
21. Stuck a used pad to my ex husbands forehead cus he wouldn't wake up from his drug induced stupor. That woke his ass up!!!
22. Knowingly fed rotten chicken to my ex husband. Cus he deserved it. He got the massive shits and i secretly laughed my ass off!!
23. Harassed a coworker through interoffice mail. (I'll deny this to my grave.. I dunno what you mean!)
24. Stole big butt becca's yearbook my sophomore year, after she had it already signed from her friends, covered it up with paper, and used it as my own yearbook. She cried over it. I couldn't afford one of my own. She thought she knew I did it. Prove it!
25. Stole a girl's cabbage patch kid out of the lost and found. Said it was mine. Her brother somehow found out it was me, and told on me. He harassed me on the school bus and I had to give it back.
26. Stole my friend in 2nd grades eyeglasses....why??? cus I wanted to wear glasses dammit!!!
27. Ruined countless customers food at Taco Bell. Be nice to those people!
28. Trying to ruin the juniors lives as seniors. (Bubba included) By blaming everything we did on them.
29. I dated a boy because he use to drive me to school, and buy me cigarettes. Poor Phillip. I didn't like him at all.
30. Put tuna fish in a coworkers cubicle ends. She deserved it. She is the one who told us we would have life figured out at 25. Shes a lying biznatch. We had a feeling she was a liar.
31. Fed alum to a friend saying it was candy (Note: alum is a pickeling spice and looks like crystals. My own sister fed this to me she taught me to be evil i think. It pickles your tongue! Its disgusting!)
32. Convinced a friend the seed pods on a daylily were edible. She got it to her mouth but someone told her not to eat it. Would've been classic!
33. Told the world on the radio that my boyfriend was a cheater. (lots of people do this so it shouldn't be considered evil!)
34. Stole a star wars statue from an ex.....smart girl that one is. Knows where it hurts she does!
35. I use to be so insecure I didn't want my husband to have friends. I would routinely pack his crap up in trash bags when he wouldn't come home, drive to his friends house, open the door and kick his crap into their driveway. I was a little psychotic! He always came home though. I had it like that......(til he left me lol)
36. Put food in a guy who lived w/me and my ex husbands crap that he left at our house, thinking when he came to get it, it would be stank. Instead, it got maggoty, and he never came back for the stuff.
37. Don't bother to stand on the seat, Amanda S****** crabs can jump 10 feet. (harassed this bitch for a long time but she stole my man! deserved it!)
38. Kissed an ex boyfriends friend, while he was at the store. Actually, he kissed me, but I didn't stop him. He also was 'seeing' a friend of mine.
39. (i wasnt the only one) Threw random objects in the tuba's in band. They had to send them out for 'service' a lot! ah ha ha ha hah ah a!
40. Used the *ahem* 'restroom' in the band closet sink, which didn't work. This is mean, cus people had to smell it all thru band season. lol lol!
41. Used the *ahem* 'restroom' in the football players closet at school. (they didn't let us back in to pee after football games, so thats what they get they were meatheads anyhow they deserved it w/o the band, their stupid games sucked!)
42. Used the *ahem* 'restroom' in the taco bell drive thru (so this one was more recent when you drink you cant hold it in man you just cant!) What makes this bad is that people in the long line were forced to look at my stark white ass!!!! Sorry folks!
43. smashed an egg in bubbas back of her car under the seat. It was while egging the Fahey. But it sure did stink! lol!
44. Asked a now ex friend to be in my wedding. She had to have her dress specially done cus she was bigger. She pissed me off and about a month before my wedding I forbid her to be in it. After, she spent 235 on a dress!!! We worked together, and things got ugly!
45. And the last and final evil deed for the day, was shared by an old friend of mine. We use to be nice to this old guy (prob in his 40s but we were in high school) in a wheel chair who use to frequent the plaza near my house. We were only nice to him so he'd buy us cigarettes (notice a pattern, that you can make men do things for you by using your womanhood.....I do not advocate this!) I should say, we flirted with the guy a lot. I sincerely believe he thought he was gonna have his wheelchair way with both of us. When he offered to drive us home (i literally lived next door) and wouldn't let it drop we stopped looking for him in the parking lot!
Well, they say karma is a bitch right? I think I'm paid up through 2010 at LEAST!
I will need to do a second installment, because I am full of mean-ness, but being that I am old now, I cannot properly recall all the things I have done. I feel this has been therapudic. I think I will be relieved of any guilt because of it.
And, who can blame me, seeing how I was born and raised, and still reside in Ohio. Which is quite literally the serial killer capital of the world. (Watch Forensic files on A&E!!) I mean, look how we raise our children! You hear that shit all the time around here!
For the record, today would have been my 9 year wedding anniversary. Too bad it only lasted 2 years. LOL! (never thought I'd be laughing about it, I give hope to all in the world!!!! 'cept that I still think about him from time to time)
What is the best quality you inherited from a parent?
I got my work ethic from my dad, and my sense of humor from my momma. Both are important qualities in me, and in others.