"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Friday, September 16, 2005

The Anatomy of a Slut?!...

Ever block things out? I did.

I blocked out just about an entire year of my life. The time was 1999-2000. I got divorced.

I turned to a page in my journal and was shocked. I had a boyfriend for about 2 yrs off and on, 'Z'. Ass. When I finally broke free of him, we never stopped seeing each other. Not until I met TWDSO. Regardless of who either of us dated, we still 'hung out' and by 'hung out' I mean we slept together.But what I forgot, was that I also cheated on Steve. With three people. So if one were to get technical, I cheated on 3 people.

Steve, was a friend of Bubba's ex. We had really good sex, all. the. time. And I mean all the time, several times a day. Every day. (when he didnt disappear) And man, did it felt really good to be wanted that much! Even if it was just sex, who doesn't want to feel like the person they are with can't get enough of them?! I really don't think I would ever get sick of it. But man....it was good!! And he still took care of business himself at least once a day! lol! I think we had the most compatible sex drive out of any of the men I've dated. He was also my shortest relationship. 8 months.

I was at that point, still talking to the married guy that I had a fling with. And by talking to I mean sleeping with. This was maybe a once or twice a month thing because I no longer worked at the mtg. place.

Around the time my dad died, my ex husband came sniffing around. He pretented to care about me and want to be my friend. He called me telling me how good it was to have sex with me, and how it was never like that with anyone else. (this is pretty good proof that cheating is not about sex entirely, cus he cheated on me, when we did have some good sex. I did more with him than with anyone. ever.) He ended up showing up at my apt. at 3am one night. And by showed up, I mean, I opened my eyes, and he was hovering over my bed!!!!!!!!

M: "holey shit what the fuck are you doing?"
D: "The door was unlocked"
M: "that doesn't mean you should walk right in"

He wouldn't leave, he said he was messed up and wouldn't leave me alone, I ended up having relations but not intercourse with him.

My point is, at that time in my life, I was writing all about these different encounters I had, with 4 very different guys, and I ended one entry with:

"I just want to be loved...."

I think that was the turning point in my life. When I decided to stop feeling. It's really good to keep a journal because your whole life is laid out for you. I was desperately trying to find love, any way I could get it. Because I really thought I knew what I was doing. I had all those guys around so there was always someone in my life.I thought if I didn't let myself have feelings, I wouldn't be hurt. (btw this doesn't seem to work)

One time, Z put a note under my bed stating that he was 'doing' me. Then, called my house one day while I was at work, and left a msg on my answering machine for Steve, telling him to look under my mattress for that note. Mind you, Z had a girlfriend himself.

((So, I went to his house one night when his girlfriend was there, and I told her, and then watched them duke it out on the front lawn in front of his grandma. LOL LOL LOL! Classic!))

While I really enjoyed sex, I also thought of it as a way to feel loved.

Do I still feel this way?

Hard to say. I enjoy sex. I don't need to be in love with someone to have it. I'm like a man that way. I think it means more when you are in love, sure. It's different. I also did this with people I was in a relationship with at some point, so to me, it was 'ok'.
I also think, that when you are in love, you can have all the stages in a sex life....which is best, because even if you are going at it like spider monkeys, you know you still love each other, and it means more in the end. Cus your not a slut!

At first it was in a weird way my payback for being cheated on. Even though, they were in no way related. It gave me a sense of power, which I had never had over a man before. And I liked it!

But having had that experience, taught me something. I know what it feels like to see several people. I know I didn't like it. I didn't trust any of them, because I was deceitful myself. I was hiding from what I wanted the most, which was love. Making it seem like it was my idea to have no love, made it hurt less...I thought.

I'm not that girl anymore! Thank God! I know more about myself. How I tick, and what makes me happy. I only learned that by being on my own for almost a year. Having NO man in my life. (aside from the occasional booty call with my ex, but that's life!) It taught me more than anything else I had ever tried. I had time to figure out what it was I enjoyed doing. Lived my life for myself. Filedl it with things that made me laugh, and not cry.

It ended up being the best year of my life. My friend Beth was single then too, and we went out a lot. Having fun without a man, was the best kind of fun I ever had! When its just you, it doesn't matter where you go or when you get home, or who you talk to. You don't have to consider another person at all. Being alone, which I feared more than anything, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. When you aren't wrapped up in drama, you have time to think. Time to sort out feelings. I decided that what I wanted was love. And, nothing more. I had always known that, but was too afraid of being hurt to admit it. It took a long time to get over feeling lonley. My mom had moved out of state, and I really was...alone. When I decided what I wanted, and admitted it to myself, I found someone.


So, whattya do, when you have good sex, and the feeling that a peice of you is missing when you aren't together? You call it love, and don't lose it! =)

And, maybe I would've called myself a slut back in the day. But I really am not. I know myself, and in the end, my relationship with me, is the most important one. I took the time I needed to build on my character. I am still working on not allowing people who hurt me, to continue hurting me, through me. The past made me who I am. There was a time when I would have told you I hated myself. But, now, I'm the coolest chick I know!!

On another note, I received an email from a guy at OKCupid. He said I showed up in his matches for Tivo fans! (im dying) I'm not on there as looking for love, I came up as a friend match (WG!) anyhoo, he sent me this website for tivo fans. I am so joining....and becoming another public freak about my TV!!!!! He owns 2 tivos. I...am jealous!

Went to the Bier Haus last night with WG. Met Tayray and Ahnolde. There was NO karaoke. But, they DID play Pussy Control by Prince (he was still prince then), and Pussy by Lords of Acid....Tayray and I decided we are singing Pussy next karaoke night. It's gonna be classic. Of course, that was crunk Tayray that agreed to it. Real Tayray might forget. LOL. I'm cat-sitting Bullwinkle (Tayray and Ahnolde's cat) this wknd. He loves me when they aren't home, he's my best friend!

When I got to work and sat at my desk, I thought...

"Isn't my pocket normally on my left boob??"

Yea, my shirt was inside out. Maybe I'm still floating on a cloud from (fantastic) sex last night....maybe I woke up late....Maybe its cus I had 3 beers and a shot on a work night....
maybe its all of the above!

Tonight, I'm for real going to the movies w/WG. Our first movie! *ahhhhhhhhhhh* I know, firsts are so fun!! And it's also the thing you dread most about a new person in your life. Getting to know them. I love getting to know my man! He keeps me interested!

And....HES COMING BACK TO WORK MONDAY!!!!! Which reminds me, I got my 'stats' from work that tells how much money I made, how much work I did. I got a 94% productivity. That means, I was actually keying, not just at my desk 94% of the time. Mind you, not long ago I got a warning cus I got down to 70%!! I think that is the minimum you can get before you get in trouble. 94%!!!!! Classic! I am a stellar employee! I averaged 12.70 an hour. I also had a $24 hour last night. ONE HOUR! It's gonna be so hard to quit that job!!!!!

Today's Question:

What do you have the worst reputation for? And the best?

Worst, being on time. Whether its to work, or to meet friends, I'm always at least 5 min late. I'm not as bad as some people I hang out with that I wont name. The best? I am usually the one people come to for advice. My screw up's are other's warnings. lol!

2 comments:

Rachel said...

I need sex!

Mon said...

I feel for you!!! I really do!!!