"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Monday, September 26, 2005

I Got Thrown For a Loop....

Well Monday's come way too fast! Today should be my last stressful work day for about 1 or 2 days. They give you a break in between stress I suppose.

Saturday, was Ahnolde's suprise party. It killed me not being able to flap my jaws about things I know. But, I manage to keep things to myself. It was at the Bier Haus. We got our drinkon! Tayray tried to trick him into thinking they went far away. WG danced w/me to dont know whatcha got til its gone. No one else was dancing til we did, cus we are trendsetters like that.
Even the boys did the hula hoops. You know, alchohol makes you do some crazy stuff.

I called my momma from the bar that night. She said I drink too much. I told Beth, and she said her mom said the same thing about her! LOL!! Hey, I stay sober long enough to work 2 jobs every day, and do good at them! So pffffft!!! I'm not an alchoholic. Or a drunk. I just like to get my drinkon. So what!

So WG will probably be mad at me but its my blog, and this is on my mind. I found out yesterday that he is 'probably' still married...........Probably? How the fuck do you NOT know that?
You see, when you think things are going great, it is just like life to kick you in the head and make you forget that things were great to begin with.

I know, it seems impossible to know, if you are, or are not married anymore. That was my first thought too. I couldn't wait to get divorced. Now, I loved the SOB, but once I was 100% sure he was really divorcing me, I got my happy ass to court early, said I agreed, and was divorced on January 11, 1999. 9 a.m. to be exact. I might've been on some good drugs (courtesy of my mother) but I remember the details.

Now, without getting into all the details of his personal life, I will say this much, I thought his ex wife was remarried. She has kids with someone else, and wears a wedding ring......and, he refers to her as his ex wife. I am at no fault, no one call me an adultress, cus I have been there, and will never be there again.

So, of course, I am upset about it. I have no idea how anyone could let that big of a detail slide by. He said he never cared to look into it, because he never wanted a future w/anyone else. Which is all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that I am thinking about a future with a married man. He says its just paperwork, cus theyve been apart like 10 yrs or something. But to me, it isn't just paperwork. Their still married in Gods eyes too. I'm not even overtly religious. But it is a sacred thing to me. Marriage to me is more than paper. Even if your feelings fade, or are no longer there.

Of course, I called my momma. She gave me good advice as always. I'm still hurting over it. He was going to leave me yesterday because he thought I wanted him to. (men are sometimes dumb, this we know) I said that would make things worse! I'd think you didn't care about me. For what it is worth, he seems sincerely sorry. I just have a really hard time trusting people so for me to have trusted him already, and have this happen, crushes me. He let me cry yesterday and wipe my snotty tear face on his shirt. LOL. I know it isn't like cheating. I like his ex wife fine, shes nice, the guy she is with is nice, we've hung out. Of course, I'm going to feel really stupid in the future, which he doesn't understand.

I feel like he isn't really mine. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like my feelings are too strong for him and he isnt even available. And, so, I looked him up when we first met, at our county courts website. I do it for everyone I know. To see if you've been convicted of any crimes, civil or criminal. If you are married, or divorced. I thought it was weird he wasn't in there as being divorced, but my first thought was, it must not have been my county. I looked him up at 2 other counties I thought it could've been. Then I thought, ah, must've been another state he lived in, cus he lived in other places. I did try to dig dirt up on him, but I thought I was good to go.

I'm a little down in the dumps. My sister said it is important that his heart is with me, and that is all that really matters. Yes, in the long run, it is all that matters, but I kinda just feel lied to in a way. Omitting the truth is also a lie. So, I'm hurt. I'll get over it. But for today, that's how I feel.

I was dating a guy when I was separated from my husband. Granted, our separation/divorce time was like 3 months long, it flew by, we got it done with a quickness. But, I also told the guy the second I met him that I was married, but separated. I've done it too. I never talked about a future with him, ever really. And, I told him from the get-go. So, while I have dated while being separated, it isn't the same.

Today's Question:

What is the best way to get rid of a dead body?

I think I did this question before? But, acid. Like that crackpot Jeffry Dahmer. Fellow Ohioan! That's how we do shit here! (ok, so that was wrong! sue me!)


Ahnolde said...

Yes, acid is a great way. But you can't go wrong with cement shoes either. As long as the water is deep enough. My party was a blast, thanks to everyone for making it such a great time!! Thanks to Tayray for doing such a great job planning it and putting it together! It was a lot of fun.
About the WG thing, I am fairly convinced at this point that it was simply a big oversight. He's really into you, Mon, and I know he would do anything like that on purpose.

Anonymous said...

Its been awhile since I have stopped by your blog. From the sounds of it, WG cares alot about you. You have nothing to worry about, but I do understand how you feel about it. Wish I could say someone was that into me.

Mon said...

ahhh thanks ahnolde! and anonymous! He is the best.