"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Butterfly Effect?...

So, lately I have been going through all my old journals and re-reading the story of my life. Like I said before, there is a ton of shit I forgot about! WG seems to think, that I am altering my future by reading them, like in the butterfly effect! lol! I don't think that is possible. Is it?

Is knowing your mistakes a sure fired way to screw up your future? Not like I can or would go back to change anything. I am a firm believer in learning from the past. I think in other relationships I let the past haunt me, but not ruin them.

I did learn over the years, that your childhood indeed stays with you. I consider myself an ACOA. (Adult Child of an Alchoholic) My parents were divorced when I was 8. You wouldn't think it affected me, but it did. Mostly, not being comfortable with love. Receiving gifts, compliments, affection. It all made me sweat. I felt like it drew attention to me that I did not want. I couldn't accept it because I never felt like I deserved it.
I joined a group of other ACOA's and found a lot of similarities with us. Pretty much one of those things where you go, yea, I got that! Animals too. We all tend to love animals more than people. We think, because they don't 'leave' or 'hurt' us.

People ask a lot what you would change in your past. I think I would not change a thing. Knowing what I know now, I might have saved myself a lot of hurt, but at what price? I have dated guys who treated me well, and they fizzled out. I took them for granted. Now I know the other end of the spectrum. I know how it feels to be taken for granted too.

So...as I continue to delve into my past..if I suddenly stop blogging...or you can't reach me on my celly....someone rescue me from the past, maybe I'm stuck there. And I don't wanna wake up without any arms like Ashton Kutcher in that movie! I couldn't type fast then! How would I make any money at my second job?

This morning, was some sort of test I think. WG and I had an altercation. I dunno if that is a good word, but we get up late, have lots to do. I'm every day stressed out that I can't keep my house as clean as it should be. I wake up to dog piss every morning. I don't have time to get myself ready, and clean up messes. I do all the cleaning I have time for at night. When I get overloaded I snap. WG said I did that to him. But the difference with us is that, we talked about it on the phone on the way to work lol.

He said he was worried that I would be difficult to live with. I told him, that I told him that already, and he said I wasn't. I said I wasn't hiding anything, I told you up front! I don't think that stuff will bother me as much when I am not working 2 jobs. Some day, I will have a normal life again. Some day, working so much and keeping up 7 pets and a household and a boyfriend, will not seem so difficult. When I have more time, I will be able to appreciate it that much more, because I'm use to stretching myself too thin.

So, we talked about it. We communicated. In the past, I'd have had a screaming match with someone, or been ignored for 2 weeks because of it. This time, we talked. Amazing what can happen when you try. I think it's 100% true, that communication is everything. Because we have gotten through a lot with talking. Letting each other know where we stand. I love that.

We're starting our weight loss challenge again this week after a brief break. I have to lose 20lbs by my bday to meet my first goal. I'm on it! I can do it, it's 2 months away!


Tayray said...

I feel like I need to be in control of all situations and if im not it drives me crazy. I can't control my emotions when I am very hurt over something, I try to pretend all is ok, but not even five minuetes later im balling my eyes out. I dont hide my emotions at all, which could either be bad or good.

Rachel said...

I wouldn't change a thing about my past either. Not everything was good but it made me who I am today. I certainly wouldn't want to go back though. My life today is 100% more fulfilling than when I was younger.