"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Monday, November 09, 2009

Broken...

And just like that I lost the greatest love of my life. Maybe I would have expected this if I had ever given an ultimatum. I was patient. Understanding. I knew from the get go he had problems from the past he needed to deal with. I was willing to wait.

He didn't want to hurt me. So instead he ripped out my heart. Don't we know how painless that is?

You don't find a love like we had every day. Even sobbing, I can't think of one thing to hate about him, except for the fact that he is a coward, and took the easy way out. We were always happy. Always laughing. Happy just snuggling on the couch. The way I felt in his arms was indescribable.

I have asked the question before, do you end a perfect relationship because he isn't sure about the future? He would tell me he saw us together. I am everything he wants. He told me today I am so good to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He told me he is holding me back. He needs to deal with his past hurts. I guess he can't do that with me. He said he wishes there was something else we could do, besides end it. Well there is but he wont live with me. He told me he needs an in between. When I'm sick he wants to come over and take care of me, but living far apart stops that from happening. He thinks it would help him move forward with me.

But in the same breath, it wasn't even given as an option. No chance. Obviously hes wanted to do this for a long time. It was hard for us. We cried. We sobbed. And eventually, he gathered everything he had at my house, and walked away. Out of my life. The best two years of my life have come to an end.

I have been crying for almost 12 hours. My mom gave me xanax and a nerve pill so I stopped for a while. I think he is afraid to be happy. He told me that he would say to himself that I was everything he wanted, and asked himself what is wrong with him that he cant move forward. Is it him or is it me?

You could ask anyone who knew us, they were all shocked. I really saw myself married to him. Rocking on the porch with him. Still chasing him around in a walker trying to pinch his buns. The truth is, my saying I wanted to marry him scared him. But I guess if he is too afraid to be happy he deserves whatever miserable box he puts himself into.

It makes no sense, and I really am starting to think there is someone else. You dont throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared. I was the girl I always wanted to be with him. I felt so loved. And loved so much. I gave freely of myself. I loved doing things for him and taking care of him. I trusted him completely, and never held him back from having his own life.

I supported all his decisions and always had his back. We were the two cutest people I've ever known. And I will miss that. I hurt. I miss him with every ounce of my body. I cant wait to run out of tears.

I was blindsided.

I'm confused.

But worst of all I'll never fall asleep in his arms again and wake up being so happy. I'm holding on to hope that he will wise up and come back. But I wish I wasn't. It's making this so hard. I sent him a message and his response was that he wished that it didn't have to end that way and that we could have come to a solution. Hes happy he learned to love again.

It sounds like all I was to him was a big fat lesson. And as I said before, he will learn from this and move on with the next girl that comes along.

With what I had. I just want to die.

8 comments:

Damsel Underdressed said...

I am completely and utterly sorry that this happened to you. I know it is hard to look at the bright side in all of this but I will try to point out a couple of things. If they don't help, I certainly hope that they don't hurt. That is not my intention but I do remember how things sound misconstrued when you are hurting and overwhelmed with sadness.

First, I am glad he didn't commit to marrying you. If he isn't willing to work on issues (his, hers, or ours), then he is not marrying material. You could have been married five years with a child and a house and have him walk away just like he did now.

Two, you are right. He is a coward. I agree that there is probably someone else. They usually can't do this by themselves unless it is a very bad situation and you guys didn't have a bad situation. I am speaking to you about this from experience. So it is almost like I'm you in the future. Don't you wish your future self could come and give you advice?

Three, you WILL be the one to come out of this stronger and better. He will not. I promise you that will all of my heart and would bet an entire year of paychecks on that. Pretty confident of me, huh? Again, it's because I KNOW.

Four, if you can afford it, take boxing lessons. It feels really really gooooooood to hit something. And it is great exercise. Your back and shoulders will hurt like hell but you will feel STRONG and you will look strong as well. Nothing tones your back and arms quite like boxing does. I'm serious. Check around and see if you can afford it.

Cry it all out. You're allowed. And please please email me if you want to talk. I know you are probably all talked out but I just want you to know, I am here.

Also, if this comment is too personal, I won't be offended if you delete it. It's okay.

Hugs, honey. You will see now what wonderful friends you have. They will hold you together and they will hold you up. You will survive this.

Suzi said...

Oh, Mon. I'm so sorry for your pain. Damsel Underdressed's comment was excellent. You can make yourself crazy trying to answer they whys and wherefores, but you're right—you are an awesome girlfriend, and in the long run the loss really is his. YOU will survive and be stronger and happier than ever, which is saying a lot!

HUGS to you, sweetie.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. This hurts a great deal right now, but it will get better... You are a strong woman and he didn't deserve you.

Good luck and hugs. Take care.

Patti Cake said...

Well damn. I'm so sorry....I've been reading your blog since before the two of you got together. I loved hearing you so happy that it gave me hope.

Keep your chin up. Keep a box of Kleenex by, and call on your girlfriends.

Sincerely, Jenni said...

Sorry this is happening. It doesn't make much sense, and seems pretty sudden.

I agree with everything the first commenter said. Move on as best you can.

Teena in Toronto said...

I'm sorry about all this. Who knows what goes on in their heads. Perhaps he needs some space to figure things out.

If you are still there when he comes back, great. If not, it's his loss.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i'm so behind on my reader, so i'm just catching up and i'm SO sorry my friend.

this is not something i know how to fix, and i'm sorry man friend blindsided you.

i hope it has started to hurt less.

Carmen said...

Ugh. I am so sorry this happened. Be strong. It really will all work out in the end. It will.