"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Relapse...

I've had a very busy time off work. I got my old apt all cleaned out. Single handedly took down my hill of doom a floor model TV, treadmill, couch, chair, coffee tables, dresser, and a host of other crap. Plus cleaned, and lugged crap to my new apt and my moms. It was hell. Remind me of all this next time I want to move.

Especially in 2 weeks because I think it will help my relationship. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd had more time. That cocksucker can eat a dick and die. He didn't even plan on being with me and he let me move in two weeks. In retrospect, I'm happy I did.

I'm very happy in my new home though. It's so nice, and homey and so much bigger, and nicer and close to work, and I dont have to pay extra taxes. I spent my Friday at the tax dept. The latest is they are filing criminal charges against me cus I didn't file for 2007. I'm trying to work all that out by getting my w2s as I moved and cant find SHIT. Its always something.

My word of advice, dont move to canal fulton.

Saturday I had my first official party. It was a lot of fun! I did end up inviting the new guy. And he had plans to watch the fight, but he did come later =). One of my girlfriends got wasted and was hitting on him, and another married guy. And then decided to text notsomuchamanfriend.

Nice.

She then began reading said text from him out loud. I asked her to be quiet. I couldn't send her home though she was making everyone uncomfortable cus she was clearly too drunk to drive. The next day I asked her what she said to the ex, and she didnt remember but had one text that said something like...'i broke up w/her for valid reasons plus i was an asshole, shes a sweetheart why would she want me there anyway there is no way to repair the damage thats been done'

translation, im a dick that cheated on the best girl in the world. What pissed me off as I told her, is I dont want him to know about me and my life. He doesn't deserve to. I never did anything to hurt him and now I have to think he thinks I wanted him to come over. He hurt me. He doesn't get to know about me.

So i just texted him "fyi i didnt have (insert drunk friends name) text you, she knows what happened. I've moved on 2, i dont want or need a response from you just wanted that to be clear"

He responded "i didnt think you did, thanks for clearing that up"

Dick.

And, I saw pics posted over the wknd on his friends page that were taken at his house, and it was hard not to click on them to look. (facebook) But I didn't. I don't care what hes doing. It'll only hurt me more to see for myself. He can't be happy. He might think he is. For some reason its easier for guys to move on than girls. Because they never deal with things. Thus the reason he's haunted by his marriage from years ago. Sucks to be him.

I then had my date with the new guy on Sunday. I had a lot of fun, and noticed that he's super polite to people, and he did open the car door for me, which is a major plus. But a lot of the time I was distracted.

Because I didn't know if I should put my hand on him when he put his arm around me. I kept thinking about how easy it was with notsomuchamanfriend, and how happy I was. How I loved to swoon over him and flirt with him and it came so natural. I was smitten with him right from the start and he consumed my every thought. I miss that. And I don't know if its a good or bad thing I don't have that now.

I am questioning everything, because I thought I had a perfect relationship. Per-fect.

My hairdresser even wanted to cry for me. She had also never seen me so happy. After a while I made her change the subject. I'm like how many times can you go over the fact that you were completely taken by suprise and shit on? I'm trying to pick up the peices.

Break ups are so much easier when the relationship falls apart first. Being blindsided like this has really shaken me up. I spent my birthday crying most of the day. Over an asshole. And I had a nice guy take the time to wish me a happy birthday (among all my awesome friends).

I know I am better off. He was holding me back. I just wish things were different. I wish I could forget him easier like he can obviously forget me. If its meant to be this way why isnt it easier. I hate it.

And I don't want to be mean and wish bad on anyone, but I can't believe how much he hurt me.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are better off with out him. You will be a trillion times happier now! Trust me, one day you will thank me!

merider (M.E.-rider) said...

I'm sort of reading backwards to get caught up. But Fizz, "this too shall pass" - keep repeating that. Maybe you could take a break from ALL men and just spend a couple of months enjoying your new place and finding something new (a class, a hobby, etc.) Clear your mind. New man sounds nice but maybe a rebound? I mean that with respect. Also, remember, be kind to yourself.