"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort










Friday, December 04, 2009

Clear Conscience...

I am OK. I know this, because I'm confident in my efforts in this relationship. I gave everything I had. I treated him like gold. I supported, complimented, loved, craved, and valued everything about him. All the time. I never disrespected him. I never put him down. Didn't control him. I never made him feel like any decisions he made were wrong. I'm almost always upbeat and happy, and the one to make you laugh when you have a bad day.

I'm the perfect girlfriend. Seriously.

I was 100% myself with him. I never waivered from who I am. I trusted him completely. I let him have his own life, and was always there when he asked me to be.

Trying it again to me meant trying. So I tried. I did everything I could to make it work. Who else moves in two weeks? And makes all the effort to save something? I didn't want any doubts. No room for question. So I tried.

I cry now and then. But mostly, I'm ok. I cry because I hurt, and I miss him and things we did. And the cute things we said to each other. And when I see old people I cry because I use to see us in them. I cry and I feel my feelings and then I'm done.

I don't have those "if only I'd done this" or "I didn't give it my all" or "if only I were better". No "what if's". Nothing like the 24 hour crying bout when he dumped me, for no real reason.

The key to all of this, is that I was happy with my life when we met. I am a happy person. I know who I am, and I know what I'm worth. The fact that he met someone else or lost interest in me? Isn't my fault. I am a great person, who picks not so great people.

I'll never change me. I'll never "be a bitch" to keep a man. I'm not one, so why change. Someone will love and appreciate me for what I am. And they wont let me go, or run away scared because I'm everything they want.

I've done so much work to get where I am today, and I wont let anyone take it away from me again. Men have berated me and treated me like shit my whole life. I would get deeper and deeper into depression, and self hatred. Normally I'd have blamed myself for this falling apart. He doesnt love me whats wrong with me?

But knowing myself and doing all that work allows me to know with confidence, I love me. I am a hell of a person, and I have so much to offer. It truely is his loss, and that's not lip service. I have absolutely no doubts that he will if not now, eventually come to terms with what he lost.

And despite the outcome of this relationship, it was the happiest 2 years of my life with a man. I had never felt more loved and appreciated or important to a person in my life. I know it was real. I know what I wanted, and it was him. Of course, minus the inability to commit to me, everything was perfect. It was my first happy, loving relationship free from abuse.

And I know that he will be the one doubting his decision some day. He's the one w/questions. Why he isnt happy. Why things didnt work. What went wrong. How could it have been better. Why did I hurt her. Why can't I find "the one"? I tried to help him all the time with his "issues" but he isn't ready for change. He'll move from person to person...wondering...why am I not happy? For his sake, I hope he can one day turn that finger around on himself.

If he can get "bored" with our relationship, I feel sorry for this girl.

Well, I actually feel sorry for him. I know I'll be OK. My friends support me. They aren't behind my back telling him he is better off without me. (i cant get over that one...his friends secretly support ME. It speaks volumes about a person and their choices when their friends do that)

I'm not the best thing in the world, but I'm pretty damned special! And I'm gonna take my special ass to the next level, and be everything I am and more.

5 comments:

sazza said...

Good on you girl! x x

Damsel Underdressed said...

I am so proud of you and your attitude! You are spot on with everything you just said. There will be tough moments but they get to be fewer and farther between and you will do nothing but become even stronger and better than your already rockin' self. And Notsomuchamanfriend will not.

Andhari said...

I, Myself, am working hard to be that good of a girlfriend yet I'm nowhere near it, girl. That's why I really wanna kick your ex for not worshipping the ground you walk on and treat you like this. That is one dumb guy.

You'll be okay, like you said. You'll be more than okay, you'll be happy. With people around you loving you and caring about you. There'll be a man who can love you as good as you love him, and you deserve someone like that and nothing less.

Teena in Toronto said...

Great that you are turning it around.

Screw him!

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

on to the next one! on the the next one!

excellent pep talk lady